Stepson issues--long

[m0mmaBuck]

My stepson came to live with us about 3 years ago. He came for a Christmas visit and his mom told him not to come back. Long story short, she had raised him to be codependent (on her) and when his behavior became unpredictable, moody, sullen, irresponsible, sometimes violent, untrustworthy, immature for his age, unmotivated, lacking direction, blah blah blah, she no longer wanted to deal with him. She didn't like the person she had raised him to be so she 'dumped' him. She actually told my husband that she was happy that the she had made him the way he is because she knew it would make my husband miserable. Anyway...

 

We have struggled to try to 'undo' some of the bad influences of his early years. He sees a counselor. We go to Church. He is in Scouts. We do a lot of family bonding type activities. We encourage his healthy friendships. We try to involve him in activities to improve his sense of self and sense of selfworth. We try to follow his interests. But, in spite of our best efforts, he remains disrespectful, lazy, untrustworthy, cruel, vindictive, and a generally miserable individual.

 

We cannot trust him to watch the younger kids, even for a quick errand. He is a mean, irresponsible bully. For instance, Friday we had to take a car to the shop. I woke him and asked him to get up and watch his younger brother and sister. Apparently as soon as we left he went back in his room, shut his door and went back to sleep. A few weeks ago we left him with DS, DD, and DS's friend while we went to get dinner for everyone. The next day DS's friend's mom calls to tell us that DSS shot the kids with an airsoft gun and then threatened to kill them if they told. He has stolen money from our younger kids piggy banks. I caught him biting the dog. There are many other incidences but these are the freshest (within the last month).

 

I have known him for 14 years. It saddens me that this child that I love is not someone I would choose to have in my life. It angers me that the stress he causes in our house causes issues for the rest of the family (both physical and emotional). It scares me to have him here because I don't think his behavior is in the realm of normal and I wonder when he's going to just completely snap.

 

I was looking forward to his graduation thinking he would move on. His 'plan' was to move back to his mom's (she had told him he could stay in her basement 'forever' and wouldn't have to work or go to school, just be there) because we told him he could stay here but only if he had a job or was going to college. He is not interested in either of those things. He is not interested in the military, the Peace Corp, the Job Corp, a job, a career.... No direction at all. None. So he planned to move back to NC to be with his mom. Well, she committed suicide in January and he is only upset by it because now he feels like he lost his 'life plan' as he calls it. He is mad at her because she killed herself and now he has to come up with something else to do. At least that's how the counselor sees it. So....

 

He is currently failing 3 of his required-for-graduation classes so that he can take a fifth year of high school. In his mind, since we told him that after he graduates he either has to find a job or enroll in college in order to live here, as long as he doesn't graduate he is in the clear on that.

 

Sigh...I don't know what to do. I'm at my end. I am just. Eh. It is so beyond/beneath anything I would have ever expected from my child.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. If you have any advice, please tell me because I am just so sad and frustrated with him for all of his 'choices' and worried that another year of this may do irreparable damage to my family, my marriage, my other children....

[Aggie]

What does your dh say? Does he understand what's going on? Does he see any of it?

 

I would have him move out the day he turns 18. Gone.

 

Your other children and their lives are too precious to waste on this one boy, imo.

 

And lots of hugs, too...I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you!

[secular_mom]

Do NOT leave your children or any other children in his care ever again- that is just irresponsible (sorry, I just can't see a gentle way to say that). That sounded like the 'worst' of your problems, so that's what I addressed.

[Truscifi]

I would at the very least require him to get a part time job once he reaches the point where he should have graduated. I also would not leave him alone with the younger children, and if dh were on the same page I would be seriously talking about kicking him out once he turns 18. It sounds like he has been through a lot and needs help, but you have other children to think about. Also, telling him he has to start taking responsibility for himself doesn't mean you have to completely cut him off or cut him out of your life.

 

I would not leave him alone with the younger children though.

[Lawana]

If you can afford it, you might consider a "phase out" plan. Once he is 18, install him in an apartment within walking distance of school, etc. Pay the rent for a year, then each year reduce the amount of support you give, down to nothing. My mother had to do something of this sort with my brother, who refused to take responsibility for his own support until and unless forced to do so.

[Twinmom]

The very best thing you can do for this child is to require him to move out as soon as he reaches 18, finished with high school or not. Tough love is the best kind for him right now, IMO. He will struggle, but a dose of reality is the best you can do for him AND for the rest of your family. He will wise up far faster this way. DO NOT allow him to extend his living arrangements by deliberately failing classes...he is just taking advantage of you.

 

Ask me how I know...my 28 year old DSS has finally now gone back to college, straightened out his life and become a wonderful young man after we kicked him out at 18 to live the life he was determined to live anyway. Maturity comes slowly to some, unfortunately, and it did take him awhile to grow out of a need to take the easy way out! In some ways, sadly he may be better off than was my DSS, whose mom remained around to rescue him for years after he left our home. Maybe yours will grow up faster without her around to catch him when he falls.

 

:grouphug:

[m0mmaBuck]

Thank you ladies. I haven't figured out how to do the multiquote thing so...

 

Re: the other children, he will not be left alone with them ever again. My husband wanted to give him a small amount of leash (i.e. 15-30 minutes while we dropped the car off) to see if he 'passed' but he did not. I told my husband that I would no longer entrust him with the other children, even for a brief moment. I told him that as far as I was concerned, the teenager was less reliable than the dog and I wouldn't leave the kids with the dog so I certainly was not going to leave them with the stepson. My husband thinks I'm taking it out of proportion but it's been one small thing after another and I cannot give him another chance where they are concerned.

 

My husband sees what's going on. He gets stressed and then he is grouchy and unpleasant. Basically, he knows the stepson is the major source of stress in our house and that it affects how we relate with each other and the rest of the family. However, it is his son and now the son only has one parent so he feels like his hands are tied. I say the stepson can move down the street to his grandparents' house (they've said it was OK) for a while because the current situation does not work for anyone but the stepson. There was another incident a few weeks ago where my husband actually told him to go there but then he and the boy had a long tearful talk and my husband caved.

 

On Friday we told him that he has to have a job when he turns 18 (May). Even though he will have over a month of school left (and then a whole year due to his slacking), he has to have a responsibility to someone outside this house. He has to have a means of making money, something to put on a resume, some sort of involvement in the world beyond himself. Of course I don't know what we will do if he doesn't have one.

 

I would like to kick him out when the school year is over but it would be a burden on my inlaws (because I know they would take him in). I would like him gone. Not gone from my life, but gone from the day-to-day influence on our lives. My husband knows how I feel but, like I mentioned before, he feels like he has to take care of him since he is the only parent left.

[justamouse]

Love him and keep walking. Support him now with boundaries, but I'll wager he won't be living with you much longer. Be there to give a hand up when the pieces fall apart.

 

BTDT :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jen500]

You've gotten some good advice.

I would let your husband deal with what to do with his son...and you make sure to protect your other children. It sounds like your dh is downplaying the seriousness of his son's problems? Your dh needs to step up and be the parent now, and not leave it to you/grandparents/someone else.

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Wow. I feel so badly for your ss. He's been raised not only poorly, but abusively. Then dumped. He *knows* he's been dumped. How shattering it must be to have that knowledge. Then his mother commits suicide.

 

 

Honestly, I can't imagine any child not being angry, sullen, miserable, depressed, directionless, given all he's experienced.

 

That being said, you also cannot manage him being a danger to the little kids.

 

And your dh is so in the middle, loving everyone involved.

 

I'd say this young man requires heavy duty counseling, from a psychiatrist, not just a counselor. He needs serious help, before he injures himself or someone else.

 

The pattern of behaviour you describe would be expected in an older child adoption, which is essentially what happened here. He went out of his way to reject everyone, make himself unlovable, so as to be returned to his other parent...which not only didn't happen, but she didn't care enough about him to even stay living (this is how he would see her suicide, another rejection of him).

 

I pray that he gets the help he needs, so that he can learn to trust and love...which is really the best outcome for everyone involved.

 

Poor kid.

[kalanamak]

Not to sound the heavy here, but you don't need a counselor for him, you need a psychiatrist, and a good one. Suicide in a parent gives a child a high risk of mood disorder. I'd bet a hundred dollars this poor guy ends up on meds if he's lucky, or jail if he isn't. Also, he is at grave risk for drinking and drugging, so be alert for that (kids can huff gasoline without getting anywhere near a drug dealer and just melt their neurons...it is awful).

 

You need help on how to cope...rules backed up with caring, but you (and your husband) may have to face the fact that, neurologically, he is so damaged (by genes and upbringing) you may end up having to limit your contact with the adult he will become.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I work with these cases every day, and it is really heartbreaking.

[PollyOR]

How does he get along with his dad? The reason I ask is I have a little experience with my own dd. My DH and I split when our oldest was a baby. We remarried when she was six, but they never bonded as well as he did with our younger daughters. She could see it and it hurt her. I don't think he understood how important he was to her. From our experience, I think a greater effort, in terms of bonding, is needed with these kids who didn't have Dad in their lives at a young age.

 

Also, we have found a combination of psychiatrist and psychologist (cognitive behavioral therapy) to be the best.

[Sputterduck]

I'm sorry. If I found him biting my dog! and threatening to kill my children, he would be out of the house then and there and in a residential facility on a 5150 and not welcome back into my home, ever.

 

Btw: Airsoft guns hurt. I hope it wasn't one of the automatic ones. Those will leave pretty bad bruises at close range.

[Impish]

I agree with you, SD...but feel bad for the kid. Its not his fault he's been so damaged by his mother's actions.

[melissel]

I'd say this young man requires heavy duty counseling, from a psychiatrist, not just a counselor. He needs serious help, before he injures himself or someone else.

 

Not to sound the heavy here, but you don't need a counselor for him, you need a psychiatrist, and a good one. Suicide in a parent gives a child a high risk of mood disorder. I'd bet a hundred dollars this poor guy ends up on meds if he's lucky, or jail if he isn't. Also, he is at grave risk for drinking and drugging, so be alert for that (kids can huff gasoline without getting anywhere near a drug dealer and just melt their neurons...it is awful).

 

You need help on how to cope...rules backed up with caring, but you (and your husband) may have to face the fact that, neurologically, he is so damaged (by genes and upbringing) you may end up having to limit your contact with the adult he will become.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I work with these cases every day, and it is really heartbreaking.

 

ITA 110% percent. I can't believe the counselor you've had didn't go this route already. I would think that he was already at risk for a mood disorder even before his mother committed suicide. I know that doesn't make your situation easier, but this boy needs serious help. I'm so sorry that you and your little ones are in the middle of all this. There's no easy answer here :grouphug::grouphug:

[m0mmaBuck]

Thank you all again. I really do appreciate all the input.

 

I feel bad for him. I really do. I've known his since he was 3. His mom got custody because DH lived in the barracks and was a single soldier so the state decided DSS was better off with his mother. We fought for years to try to get him with us but ran into roadblocks, I believe at least in part due to the fact that we were "Yankees" dealing in a Southern court system that tended to side with the mother and against military fathers. Anyway... The kid has had a rough life up to this point (mother had drug issues, multiple boyfriends, moved a lot, was emotionally dependant on him for support... His favorite uncle on her side committed suicide, his grandmother died from cancer after 2 yrs of hospice care in their house, etc.) and we have tried and tried to "un-do" some of the damage but we can't put the rest of the family at risk emotionally and physically so we are in a tough spot. He will flip from being fun and caring to a complete and utter cruel and manipulative bully at the drop of a hat.

 

Re: therapy, after 3 years of going through different psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors, we finally found one (a counselor) that DSS would open up to right before Christmas 2009. After his mom killed herself (January 2010), we sat down with the counselor and talked about the fact that he may need more (in terms of treatment, medication, etc.) to deal with all of the layers of dysfunction but we decided to keep him with her for a while since she was getting more out of him than any of the others had been able to achieve. I do think we may need to pursue an actual psychiatrist, perhaps in addition to the counselor. Someone mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy... What is that?

 

We have been fortunate on the drinking/drugging end of things thus far but I'm sure this could become an issue, especially if DSS is left to his own devices.

 

Re: DSS/DH relationship, it is rocky primarily because DSS went from being the only child and the only grandchild and the only nephew and the only only only once DS was born and he has had a hard time adjusting to not being the center of the universe where DH's side of the family is concerned. DH tried to engage DSS in family activities as well as one-on-one activities but DSS is often resistant or sabotages the efforts by getting himself into trouble right before an event or activity is supposed to take place.

 

Re: the airsoft gun, he wasn't even supposed to have it. We keep everything but the Nerf guns (including Airsoft and paintball guns) locked up. He broke the lock on the cabinet to get it. The story is that DS and his buddy shot DSS with a Nerf gun so DSS felt an appropriate reaction was to cut the lock and shoot them with the Airsoft gun. He doesn't seem to understand normal reactions/consequences. It seems like his compass is off.

[Sputterduck]

I agree with you, SD...but feel bad for the kid. Its not his fault he's been so damaged by his mother's actions.

 

 

I feel bad for him, too. First priority for me would protecting the innocents (the dog and the children). Then I would worry about getting him help, which I would definitely do in her case, but not at the cost of innocents. It isn't his fault what his mom did to him. Changing though? That'll have to be his choice in the end. Whether he makes that choice or not is entirely up to him.

[Impish]

I feel bad for him, too. First priority for me would protecting the innocents (the dog and the children). Then I would worry about getting him help, which I would definitely do in her case, but not at the cost of innocents. It isn't his fault what his mom did to him. Changing though? That'll have to be his choice in the end. Whether he makes that choice or not is entirely up to him.

Totally agree with you, unless there's an organic reason for this behaviour, in which case it won't be as simple (or as hard but straightforward) as a choice.

 

I seriously question if this child doesn't have issues with depression/bipolar....certainly impulse control is lacking...

 

Did mom drink or do drugs during pregnancy?

[PollyOR]

My dd was an only child for 8 years. She was rarely kind to her sisters but she didn't physically hurt them. In fact she could be hateful (sad but true). Once she moved out this radically changed. She is constantly asking me if they can sleepover.

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy This article says it is short term, but we've been at it for about 1 1/2 years. It sounds like this counselor has clicked for your step son which is a good thing.

[TechWife]

Wow. I feel so badly for your ss. He's been raised not only poorly, but abusively. Then dumped. He *knows* he's been dumped. How shattering it must be to have that knowledge. Then his mother commits suicide.

 

 

Honestly, I can't imagine any child not being angry, sullen, miserable, depressed, directionless, given all he's experienced...

 

I'd say this young man requires heavy duty counseling, from a psychiatrist, not just a counselor. He needs serious help, before he injures himself or someone else.

 

 

I can't agree more with this post. It is urgent that you get this young man some psychiatric care. He can still see the counselor if that is a beneficial arrangement, but psychiatric care is essential. You loose leverage when he turns 18 and you cannot make him get treatment. I'd call on Mon. morning and get an appointment. I'd let whoever you talk to at a psychiatrists' office know that you are working against time to have him evaluated. Medical treatment just may save his life. Don't delay.

[Mergath]

I can't agree more with this post. It is urgent that you get this young man some psychiatric care. He can still see the counselor if that is a beneficial arrangement, but psychiatric care is essential. You loose leverage when he turns 18 and you cannot make him get treatment. I'd call on Mon. morning and get an appointment. I'd let whoever you talk to at a psychiatrists' office know that you are working against time to have him evaluated. Medical treatment just may save his life. Don't delay.

 

:iagree: as well. It's great that the counselor is helping, but this kid sounds as if he needs all the help he can get.

 

And, to the op, while I agree that you need to take steps to make sure the children and pets are safe, I also would urge you to show a little more compassion. You seemed, well, rather nonchalant in the original post about the fact that your ss's mother took her own life. She may not have been the greatest person in the world, and you may not have had much respect for her, but that doesn't change the fact that this boy's mother died in a horrible, tragic way. If everyone around him has an unspoken "good riddance" attitude about her death, that's only going to make things worse.

[m0mmaBuck]

:iagree: as well. It's great that the counselor is helping, but this kid sounds as if he needs all the help he can get.

 

And, to the op, while I agree that you need to take steps to make sure the children and pets are safe, I also would urge you to show a little more compassion. You seemed, well, rather nonchalant in the original post about the fact that your ss's mother took her own life. She may not have been the greatest person in the world, and you may not have had much respect for her, but that doesn't change the fact that this boy's mother died in a horrible, tragic way. If everyone around him has an unspoken "good riddance" attitude about her death, that's only going to make things worse.

 

but there is a long history there that I was trying not to go into. In brief, even though this woman (who, by the way, broke up her/DH's marriage by moving in with 2 of his soldiers and then tried to ruin DH's career) took a sledge hammer to my car, broke windows in my apartment, harassed me at work to the point where the hospital I worked at took out a retraining order, had my husband thrown in jail and then dropped her false charges, kidnapped DS and kid him for 2 yrs until her own mother contacted us with his whereabout because she feared for his safety, and so on.....was no friend of mine or DH's, we have done our best to shield DSS from that side of his mother for the last several year. We have not given him any details of her behavior toward us as we felt they should not impact his relationship with her. These are the reasons we tried to get him out of there, but they were not things he needed to know about.

 

That said, I was still the one who encouraged him to visit her, call her, write to her, buy/send her gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day... Typically I would have to remind him to do these things, take him shopping, help him pick things out, ship them, and so on... Because while DH hated who she had become (not the woman he married, but the woman she became) he had once loved her and couldn't think about her as she was in the now.

 

I had encouraged DSS, nearly 18, to spend some time with her at Christmas. While there she asked him to load a pistol 'for self-protection.' It was that weapon that she used to kill herself, but not before she put a letter in the mail to tell DS that she was committing suicide because he didn't need her anymore. BTW, he has not seen that letter.

 

Anyway, I guess I am mad at her not only because of how her behaviors in life affected who he is now but also because even the act of her death involved her son involuntarily. And because her final act was such a selfish, cruel thing to do to her son. And now we are left to deal with yet another layer of it.

[Sputterduck]

Holy Moly. How does a woman go from being normal to that? Drugs? A psychotic break with reality?

[melissel]

Anyway, I guess I am mad at her not only because of how her behaviors in life affected who he is now but also because even the act of her death involved her son involuntarily. And because her final act was such a selfish, cruel thing to do to her son. And now we are left to deal with yet another layer of it.

 

Good grief, how incredibly awful. I'm not excusing her, but frankly, it sounds like she had an undiagnosed mental illness of her own, and I would not be surprised at all to find out that your DSS has inherited it and/or others.

 

I'm so sorry. I wish there was some magic advice for you. I doubt that there's any way out of this without pain and sorrow for someone :grouphug:

[Mergath]

but there is a long history there that I was trying not to go into...

 

I understand that you are (justifiably) angry with this woman. It sounds like she did a lot of really horrible things throughout her life. But the fact that, when I urged you to show compassion, you jumped right into a list of what she's done wrong, sort of reinforces what I was saying. If you act like she deserved what she got by killing herself, even unconsciously, you're going to cause your ss more pain, and probably make these issues worse, though I'm sure you don't mean to.

 

It doesn't matter that she did these things. She was his mother, and he would have loved her, no matter what she did wrong. Regardless of how you felt about her, you should try to treat his loss the way you would any other kid who has lost a parent. Don't try to play it down, or he'll probably act out even more because he's being sent the subconscious message that his feelings don't matter as much as other people's.

[DawnM]

This was my first thought as well.

 

In the case of your DSS it is possibly hard to tell which is the chicken and which is the egg. He may be acting out BECAUSE of her abusive actions towards him through the years or he may have a mental illness himself, or a combination of both.

 

Have you and your DH sat down with the counselor and discussed all of this in terms of what to do when he turns 18, etc....What are her/his suggestions.

 

I would be cautious of taking any real solid advice from a message board, especially since we have a limited picture. I personally could not just kick him out of the house without having a place for him to go. I think it could add to his issues.

 

Dawn

 

Good grief, how incredibly awful. I'm not excusing her, but frankly, it sounds like she had an undiagnosed mental illness of her own, and I would not be surprised at all to find out that your DSS has inherited it and/or others.

 

I'm so sorry. I wish there was some magic advice for you. I doubt that there's any way out of this without pain and sorrow for someone :grouphug:

[m0mmaBuck]

I understand that you are (justifiably) angry with this woman. It sounds like she did a lot of really horrible things throughout her life. But the fact that, when I urged you to show compassion, you jumped right into a list of what she's done wrong, sort of reinforces what I was saying. If you act like she deserved what she got by killing herself, even unconsciously, you're going to cause your ss more pain, and probably make these issues worse, though I'm sure you don't mean to.

 

It doesn't matter that she did these things. She was his mother, and he would have loved her, no matter what she did wrong. Regardless of how you felt about her, you should try to treat his loss the way you would any other kid who has lost a parent. Don't try to play it down, or he'll probably act out even more because he's being sent the subconscious message that his feelings don't matter as much as other people's.

 

I certainly have never, would never, say anything negative about his mom to him. She was his mom. Anything that happened between us was grownup stuff and not the concern of a child. He should be allowed his happy memories of his mom.

 

He tends to play down the whole situation. He cried once. When he and DH went to her house to find sentimental things for DSS to keep, DSS went to bed and slept while DH and my father-in-law tried to figure out what might mean something to him in the future. DSS said he didn't want any of it but we felt that in the future he may so they tried as best as they could to figure out what he may want some day.

 

I've asked him how he is doing and he says "It's no big deal." But it is a big deal. It's huge. I just don't think he's ready to deal with it yet. Kubler-Ross's stages of death and dying, he's still in denial.

[m0mmaBuck]

I think I will call the counselor on Monday and get him started with a psychiatrist ASAP. We only have a month until he's 18 so that needs to be addressed.

 

Thanks again!

[kalanamak]

Holy Moly. How does a woman go from being normal to that? Drugs? A psychotic break with reality?

 

Sounds like a "bipolar with psychosis". Many people with bipolar are non-violent, but when they tend that way, they can exert a huge amount on energy on chaos. Not everyone who is bipolar shows it as a kid. Meth addicts can do similar things. Meth is disgustingly common. I've seen meth-heads in their 70's. Many end up with permanent brain damage. TBI (traumatic brain damage) can alter someone radically, too. But, people with drug and mental disorders seem to have more accidents/beatings/jumps from buildings/etc and end up with more TBI than the general population. What comes first is often a mystery, as once people so disturbed are in the system, many no longer have a stable relative to sanely relate the person's pre and post TBI/drug behavior.

 

Her son, by genes and behavior, is at high, high risk.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: What a difficult situation.

 

I would watch to make sure he is not suicidal as well. If he equates himself as being as "worthless" as his mother he may intentionally be making others upset at him to justify any action he might take against himself.

[Joanne]

Sounds like a "bipolar with psychosis". Many people with bipolar are non-violent, but when they tend that way, they can exert a huge amount on energy on chaos. Not everyone who is bipolar shows it as a kid. Meth addicts can do similar things. Meth is disgustingly common. I've seen meth-heads in their 70's. Many end up with permanent brain damage. TBI (traumatic brain damage) can alter someone radically, too. But, people with drug and mental disorders seem to have more accidents/beatings/jumps from buildings/etc and end up with more TBI than the general population. What comes first is often a mystery, as once people so disturbed are in the system, many no longer have a stable relative to sanely relate the person's pre and post TBI/drug behavior.

 

Her son, by genes and behavior, is at high, high risk.

 

Yes. Both for addiction, and apparently mental illness. If I am reading correctly, mental illness is present in the bio mom family beyond just mom.

 

This situation is so off the scale and bizaare that ..... well..... let's just say that I'd normally dismiss a post like this.

 

The child, by genetics and upbringing and life events is at great risk to himself and others. Terrible risk. He needs competent and ongoing medical and mental health care. Probably for life.

 

I'd like to encourage you, poster, to stop thinking/posting about the dead mom's history and transgressions against you, your DH and instead only understand them in an effort to assist your DSS into some kind of autonomous adult living.

 

I've lived through, am living through, co-parenting issues. I hear (and understand) your anger and venom. As a rule, I don't *normally* or often, or regularly say anything negative about my children's dad (with a textbook disorder). But I slip. Even in ways as subtle but real as facial expressions. I beleive it's highly likely you do, too.

[m0mmaBuck]

Yes. Both for addiction, and apparently mental illness. If I am reading correctly, mental illness is present in the bio mom family beyond just mom.

 

This situation is so off the scale and bizaare that ..... well..... let's just say that I'd normally dismiss a post like this.

 

The child, by genetics and upbringing and life events is at great risk to himself and others. Terrible risk. He needs competent and ongoing medical and mental health care. Probably for life.

 

I'd like to encourage you, poster, to stop thinking/posting about the dead mom's history and transgressions against you, your DH and instead only understand them in an effort to assist your DSS into some kind of autonomous adult living.

 

I've lived through, am living through, co-parenting issues. I hear (and understand) your anger and venom. As a rule, I don't *normally* or often, or regularly say anything negative about my children's dad (with a textbook disorder). But I slip. Even in ways as subtle but real as facial expressions. I beleive it's highly likely you do, too.

 

The situation is bizarre. It's more like a soap opera than real life. But it is very real.

 

There is mental illness in his family on mom's side. Her brother committed suicide. Her other brother is in prison (not sure for what). Her mother was treated for bipolar. Definitely some existing familial issues.

 

And you are probably right. The subtle subconscious reactions are probably present on my and DH parts. It's difficult to know what he reads into our concern, too. He seems to think we don't care when in fact we really truly do because it affects him so deeply (whether he will admit it or not). Thank you for reminding me to keep myself in check.

 

I am hopeful with the help of counseling and psychiatry we can somehow find a way to help him be the person I know in my heart he could be. I know he could be/is someone special, he just needs... I don't know.. He needs to find that person that he could be.

[Cheryl in NM]

I agree with others, do not leave your stepson alone with any kids. He was not raised in your house with the other children as his close siblings. While you and your dh may want to throw everyone together and expect them to behave as the siblings you see them as; your stepson isn't capable. He wouldn't be capable even if his mother hadn't riased him the way she did. I found with my step-children that, while dh and I saw them and "our" son as equal siblings and children, they did not see it that way. They spent weekends with us so it's not like they didn't know their little brother, but they weren't raised with him so they didn't have the "sibling feelings" that we expected of them. We later learned of their abuse towards our son and their younger sister (from their mom) while they were babysitting. They saw themselves as an island is the midst of parents who had moved on with their lives and left them behind. We had no idea they felt that way; we just wanted to include them as we would have if they had lived with us (and that's what we did when they DID live with us).

 

I would caution you not to throw this boy away when he turns 18. Yes, you need to protect your younger children. We kicked my daughter out when she 16 due to drugs and skipping school. We later found out that our son, unaware of her drug problem but very aware of all the fighting and tension, had very strong feelings for her and grieved similar to if she had died. Don't take for granted your younger childrens' feelings in this and also don't take for granted what you are teaching them. That when people don't do what you want, dump them. Of course, your younger children don't understand the complexities of this situation.

 

I urge you to take a few moments to consider your step-son's life. His parents are no longer together; his dad started another family. It sounds like you have been with your husband for 14 years; that would mean that this boy was raised without his father. No matter how often your dh saw his son while he was growing up, they didn't get to live together. Your step-son got to visit his dad and then move in with his dad's new family. Now your step-son is being told to conform or he will be thrown away again. Of course, his response is "so, do it, what do I care? No one cares about me anyway!".

 

All of this is compounded by his mom's suicide. The counselor's comments disturb me greatly. Your step-son has deeper feelings than he's letting on; he needs a counselor to help him; not judge him. He probably has survivors guilt; he probably feels that if he had behaved so he could live with his mom, then she wouldn't have committed suicide. Step-children feel alot of guilt about the parent that raise them, but they no longer live with. They also feel abandoned. He needs someone to listen to him rant, cry, rage and then to help him put his life together.

 

This young man needs help and it would be great if his dad could be the one to help him. OP, if you have read this far I commend you. This post would have been difficult for me to read if I were in your shoes. I wish I would have listened to people who tried to give me this advice when my step-children were younger. No matter how much we, the parents, try to just move on the step-kids need more than just being thrown in with the new family.

 

I'm not suggesting letting him do whatever he wants. I am suggesting he not be left alone with the other children, but that he always be invited on all family outings. It's not a punishment; it's in respect to his wishes. If you had a niece or nephew living with you who didn't want to babysit your kids you wouldn't force them to. Meet him where he is; respect his wishes when you can. Celebrate every small "good" in him that you can, out loud, to him and others. Don't expect him to react to you as if you raised him. He doesn't know how, no matter how much time he's spent with you. It's not natural because he wasn't raised with you. Don't harp on his upbringing. It is what it is and it's over; the damage has been done. Now we want to help him heal and to we want him to feel loved.

 

Your dh needs to spend time alone with him. It took years before I realized that this would bring us together as a family and not divide us. Your stepson wasn't raised having access to his dad, now he needs it. Your stepson also needs to know that his dad is willing to spend some time alone with him. This time should not be: okay, sit down, let's talk, let's work this out time. It needs to be casual; that's how guys do it. It sounds like there is a big age gap so this time could be disguised as "older" boy time with dad. My dh did this with hunting, welding and computers. Have your dh include his son in things that he is interested in, but also try to do something his son is interested in.

 

Please remember that even though your step-son is almost 18 he is a damaged young man who was not giving the life skills necessary to have loving relationships. You and your dh need to rise above the "crap" and be strong pillars of love for him. He might say that he's mad at his mom because now he has no place to go when he's 18. Do you really believe that's why he's mad? Really? He's hurt and feeling abandoned.

 

I am sorry this is so long. I feel very compelled to step in here since so many posts are geared towards just tossing this young man out. My step-daughter is now almost 20, has her own apartment, holds down a job and has finally started college. We pay about $100 of bills a month for her and give her gas or food money if she needs it. She doesn't ask very often. She has a strong drive to be independent. If she is still doing drugs; it isn't getting in the way of her life. While I don't condone drug use; I focus on the positive. We text or talk to her every week and see her whenever we can, about once a month. She's very busy. We meet her on her terms because we realize that we want to make the most of every moment we have with her. My step-son passed away a year and a half ago. It was a simple, stupid motorcycle accident, his fault, but something that all motorcycle riders have done and survived. He was a great kid, in honors classes and was enlisted in the Marines. He would have graduated high school in 2009. We had just reconciled all the childhood trauma. Looking back now, we can easily see our mistakes and take every opportunity we can to help others that are making the mistakes we did.

 

I know you are frustrated and hurt by this situation. Please remember that your step-son needs you. Also, please remember that your husband needs you. He knows that his son feels abandoned and he feels guilty. Then when he realizes that his son might be a danger to his new family he feels guilty. Again, he's probably not saying all that he's feeling; he might even be able to admit all that he's feeling. That's okay. Support your husband in love, but protect the youngers. Put your feelings aside and focus on the actions that will help this situation and those involved. It's hard, but will help, I promise, BTDT. Good luck to you and your family.

[Caribbean Queen]

Can he go to summer school and get his diploma?

 

I have a relative who is similar to your step son. Dead mother, cruel to animals, sleeps instead of babysitting, no ambition - the girl went to high school for 6 years and still wasn't a senior! Her family forced her into Job Corps. The kids in her Job Corps were shockingly badly behaved. She got a high school diploma and a job training certificate. She said Job Corps was going to help her go to community college. Then she did something in order to get herself on probation with the police and got kicked out. It is hard to get hired with a police record. It wasn't her first brush with the law. Now she has a chip on her shoulder, since she has a high school diploma and job training. She wants a good job, and won't settle for less. Of course, she has no job.

 

I think her family is waiting (in vain) for her to WANT to change, and then make a miracle 180 turn, instead of preparing her to be an adult. She is 21 years old. She could be doing the grocery shopping, housework, and cooking. They need to knock some sense into her about what kind of job she is qualified for. She could get a job and pay them rent. These things would prepare her for moving out on her own.

[tex-mex]

I hope you had him evaluated for depression or mental illnesses? There are a lot of "red flags" in your OP that really concern me... plus the fact his mother committed suicide. Please consider SSRI or psychotic meds (along with therapy) to HELP him before he reaches 18 and legally you cannot help him. :grouphug:

Edited April 11, 2010 by tex-mex

[tex-mex]

I can't agree more with this post. It is urgent that you get this young man some psychiatric care. He can still see the counselor if that is a beneficial arrangement, but psychiatric care is essential. You loose leverage when he turns 18 and you cannot make him get treatment. I'd call on Mon. morning and get an appointment. I'd let whoever you talk to at a psychiatrists' office know that you are working against time to have him evaluated. Medical treatment just may save his life. Don't delay.

 

Forget the Cognitive Behavior Therapy!! This is not anxiety or OCD.

 

I agree with the above message - go to a psychiatrist ASAP for an thorough evaluation. Plus get a full health checkup lab blood workup to rule out any health situation that would cause psychosis or depression.

[tex-mex]

I understand that you are (justifiably) angry with this woman. It sounds like she did a lot of really horrible things throughout her life. But the fact that, when I urged you to show compassion, you jumped right into a list of what she's done wrong, sort of reinforces what I was saying. If you act like she deserved what she got by killing herself, even unconsciously, you're going to cause your ss more pain, and probably make these issues worse, though I'm sure you don't mean to.

 

It doesn't matter that she did these things. She was his mother, and he would have loved her, no matter what she did wrong. Regardless of how you felt about her, you should try to treat his loss the way you would any other kid who has lost a parent. Don't try to play it down, or he'll probably act out even more because he's being sent the subconscious message that his feelings don't matter as much as other people's.

:iagree: This is dss' battle -- not yours. You cannot vent your feelings (justified as it may be) into his life. That was his mother. Obviously she was mentally ill and most likely he may have issues too biochemically. Your job is to be neutral and help this child get help ASAP. It hopefully is not too late for him. How tragic.

[Night Elf]

On Friday we told him that he has to have a job when he turns 18 (May). Even though he will have over a month of school left (and then a whole year due to his slacking), he has to have a responsibility to someone outside this house. He has to have a means of making money, something to put on a resume, some sort of involvement in the world beyond himself. Of course I don't know what we will do if he doesn't have one.

 

That's one major issue I see with this situation. You have absolutely got to have a plan. Otherwise, your stepson has no motivation. Empty threats are not motivating. What has the counselor suggested for this situation? Nothing?

 

And just to toss this out there, but if this young man is as bad as you say he is, why on earth would the grandparents want to take him in? Would they be able to handle them? Would he steal from them or harm them in any way? Would he take advantage of them? They may allow all of that thinking that one day he will wake up and be 'normal', but truly they would be enabling his behaviors. That seems like a mess!

[Impish]

I agree with others, do not leave your stepson alone with any kids. He was not raised in your house with the other children as his close siblings. While you and your dh may want to throw everyone together and expect them to behave as the siblings you see them as; your stepson isn't capable. He wouldn't be capable even if his mother hadn't riased him the way she did. I found with my step-children that, while dh and I saw them and "our" son as equal siblings and children, they did not see it that way. They spent weekends with us so it's not like they didn't know their little brother, but they weren't raised with him so they didn't have the "sibling feelings" that we expected of them. We later learned of their abuse towards our son and their younger sister (from their mom) while they were babysitting. They saw themselves as an island is the midst of parents who had moved on with their lives and left them behind. We had no idea they felt that way; we just wanted to include them as we would have if they had lived with us (and that's what we did when they DID live with us).

 

I would caution you not to throw this boy away when he turns 18. Yes, you need to protect your younger children. We kicked my daughter out when she 16 due to drugs and skipping school. We later found out that our son, unaware of her drug problem but very aware of all the fighting and tension, had very strong feelings for her and grieved similar to if she had died. Don't take for granted your younger childrens' feelings in this and also don't take for granted what you are teaching them. That when people don't do what you want, dump them. Of course, your younger children don't understand the complexities of this situation.

 

I urge you to take a few moments to consider your step-son's life. His parents are no longer together; his dad started another family. It sounds like you have been with your husband for 14 years; that would mean that this boy was raised without his father. No matter how often your dh saw his son while he was growing up, they didn't get to live together. Your step-son got to visit his dad and then move in with his dad's new family. Now your step-son is being told to conform or he will be thrown away again. Of course, his response is "so, do it, what do I care? No one cares about me anyway!".

 

All of this is compounded by his mom's suicide. The counselor's comments disturb me greatly. Your step-son has deeper feelings than he's letting on; he needs a counselor to help him; not judge him. He probably has survivors guilt; he probably feels that if he had behaved so he could live with his mom, then she wouldn't have committed suicide. Step-children feel alot of guilt about the parent that raise them, but they no longer live with. They also feel abandoned. He needs someone to listen to him rant, cry, rage and then to help him put his life together.

 

This young man needs help and it would be great if his dad could be the one to help him. OP, if you have read this far I commend you. This post would have been difficult for me to read if I were in your shoes. I wish I would have listened to people who tried to give me this advice when my step-children were younger. No matter how much we, the parents, try to just move on the step-kids need more than just being thrown in with the new family.

 

I'm not suggesting letting him do whatever he wants. I am suggesting he not be left alone with the other children, but that he always be invited on all family outings. It's not a punishment; it's in respect to his wishes. If you had a niece or nephew living with you who didn't want to babysit your kids you wouldn't force them to. Meet him where he is; respect his wishes when you can. Celebrate every small "good" in him that you can, out loud, to him and others. Don't expect him to react to you as if you raised him. He doesn't know how, no matter how much time he's spent with you. It's not natural because he wasn't raised with you. Don't harp on his upbringing. It is what it is and it's over; the damage has been done. Now we want to help him heal and to we want him to feel loved.

 

Your dh needs to spend time alone with him. It took years before I realized that this would bring us together as a family and not divide us. Your stepson wasn't raised having access to his dad, now he needs it. Your stepson also needs to know that his dad is willing to spend some time alone with him. This time should not be: okay, sit down, let's talk, let's work this out time. It needs to be casual; that's how guys do it. It sounds like there is a big age gap so this time could be disguised as "older" boy time with dad. My dh did this with hunting, welding and computers. Have your dh include his son in things that he is interested in, but also try to do something his son is interested in.

 

Please remember that even though your step-son is almost 18 he is a damaged young man who was not giving the life skills necessary to have loving relationships. You and your dh need to rise above the "crap" and be strong pillars of love for him. He might say that he's mad at his mom because now he has no place to go when he's 18. Do you really believe that's why he's mad? Really? He's hurt and feeling abandoned.

 

I am sorry this is so long. I feel very compelled to step in here since so many posts are geared towards just tossing this young man out. My step-daughter is now almost 20, has her own apartment, holds down a job and has finally started college. We pay about $100 of bills a month for her and give her gas or food money if she needs it. She doesn't ask very often. She has a strong drive to be independent. If she is still doing drugs; it isn't getting in the way of her life. While I don't condone drug use; I focus on the positive. We text or talk to her every week and see her whenever we can, about once a month. She's very busy. We meet her on her terms because we realize that we want to make the most of every moment we have with her. My step-son passed away a year and a half ago. It was a simple, stupid motorcycle accident, his fault, but something that all motorcycle riders have done and survived. He was a great kid, in honors classes and was enlisted in the Marines. He would have graduated high school in 2009. We had just reconciled all the childhood trauma. Looking back now, we can easily see our mistakes and take every opportunity we can to help others that are making the mistakes we did.

 

I know you are frustrated and hurt by this situation. Please remember that your step-son needs you. Also, please remember that your husband needs you. He knows that his son feels abandoned and he feels guilty. Then when he realizes that his son might be a danger to his new family he feels guilty. Again, he's probably not saying all that he's feeling; he might even be able to admit all that he's feeling. That's okay. Support your husband in love, but protect the youngers. Put your feelings aside and focus on the actions that will help this situation and those involved. It's hard, but will help, I promise, BTDT. Good luck to you and your family.

Absolutely beautiful post. My condolences on the loss of your stepson. :grouphug:

[Nicole M]

I agree with finding a psychiatrist for this young man, as soon as possible. And, since no one else has mentioned it, I would suggest that the whole family seek counseling, or at least mom and dad.

 

I would also urge you not to toss him out at 18.

 

This must be so hard. I'm so sorry, for him and for you all.

Edited April 12, 2010 by Nicole M

[jld]

I agree with everything Mergath said -- please listen to her carefully.

 

This is all so sad. Like other posters, I feel terrible for your ss. He needs people in his life who truly love him, who care deeply about him, just like they care about themselves. His dad is probably one of these people, and maybe his grandparents, too.

 

Please consider removing yourself from his life, at least temporarily, and perhaps your children, too. That way the children are not at risk, and you will not be worried for them. I think living with the grandparents sounds okay, especially since they live close, and he could still have easy access to his dad, who should only be as compassionate as possible. He really needs to listen to, and nurture, his son. Someone mentioned guy activities that your son really enjoys -- that would be great. The idea is to pour love into this young man -- in the way he defines love, like quality time with people he feels truly love him.

 

I'm heartbroken for your stepson. Life is terribly, terribly unfair and unkind to some people.

Edited April 12, 2010 by jld
added a comma

[mirth]

There was another incident a few weeks ago where my husband actually told him to go there but then he and the boy had a long tearful talk and my husband caved.

 

So he wants to stay with you all?? Or is it that he really doesn't like the grandparents?

 

That letter you mentioned sounds like a keg of dynamite! Can the people who know about it be absolutely trusted not to reveal it to the boy until he's in a more stable position?

[Terabith]

He BIT the dog????

 

How did he even do that? Was it a joke? Or in a rage?

 

I feel so awful for this young man, and I can feel your fear and worry. I can tell you care for him a great deal. I think he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist asap. Not only does it sound like medication is in order, but I would want a thorough evaluation to know what you are dealing with and get his/ her recommendations.

[Sonshine]

I seems to me that a combination of a structured living situation outside your home) counseling for the whole family (or at least you, dh, and ss), and psychiatric diagnosis and treatment would be good. Is there a place near you like Youth Reach? That is a facility that takes in young men who are in trouble and need help. It is a Christian facility and costs nothing, with a home in Houston and one on the Gulf coast of Alabama. And they will let you take him out for therapy apointments. They do great work and turn many young men around. The only catch is that the boy has to go willingly. Before I kicked him out, thus losing all control and opportunity to guide him, I would want to offer a few alternatives. I agree that his mother's suicide recently is a tragic event that he deserves some time and help to recover from. I know that his behavior isn't someting that sprang up since then, but I would try to have the same mercy on him as a non -problem kid who had just had this to deal with.