So, we were woken up at 2:30am by a call from the sheriffs....

[Krista in LA]

And 2 1/2 hours later, I still can't get to sleep.

 

My dd14 had a neighbor friend spend the night and at some point in time, my dd thought it would be fun to go toilet paper a boy's house. She then text a few other friends and recruited them. They snuck out her window and a friend with a driver's license came and picked them up, went to Wal-Mart to buy tp, and then drove them to the boys house in the next neighborhood over. They got caught by the homeowner when they actually tp'd the wrong house. The sheriffs showed up to supervise the cleanup and call parents. All this is bad enough, but the fact that she had a friend over who we were responsible for and had never spent the night here before, makes it so much worse. Her friend is not in great shape to the point that I'm worried about her and keep checking on her to make sure she is okay. Her dad is military and very strict. Her parents had troubles with her older brother and seem to expect the worse out of her. I'm very concerned about how they are going to handle it. She says that her dad probably won't talk to her again and that they will probably send her off to some camp for troubled teens. I've never seen a child so upset and literally afraid. But, we have to let them know what happened. In the meantime, the friend who drove texted dd (I have the phone now, so I saw it) letting her know how much she was in trouble and how her parents are saying what a bad influence my dd is on her. My dd did say it was her idea, I'm just sad that her friends are the type that would go along with it all. Did I mention that she started public high school this year? These are all friends from school. I'd like to think that she wouldn't have done such stuff before going to school, although we have been struggling with her for a couple of years now.

 

So, any advice on how to deal with all of this? Apparently we need to get an alarm on her window. Of course the cell, ipod and computer are all taken away and she is grounded - I haven't decided for how long yet. No sleepovers here or anywhere else for a very long time, if ever. How do we deal with the other parents? We were thinking that dd and dh will walk the neighbor girl home tomorrow and our dd will have to explain to her friend's father what happened (hopefully to take some of the heat off of her friend). I guess I feel very embarrassed about the driving friend's mother thinking my child is a bad influence on hers, but I wonder how much of that is just denial that her child might ever do anything bad. Her dd is actually older than mine by nearly 2 years and the fact that she was at home and had to illegally drive here since it was after 11pm would have made it so easy for her to say no. Should I just not worry about that? What other punishment is appropriate for my dd and for how long should she be grounded? How do I straighten her out? She is pretty non-communicative with us and we have been worried about it. Any other advice? I'm just sick over this.

[Renee in NC]

I wouldn't worry about your dd being a bad influence on the illegally driving 16yo - that's just ridiculous! *She* drove to your house and picked up two younger girls to drive them to another neighborhood to TP someone's house. I would tell the mother what a contributor to your dd's delinquence *her* daughter is!:lol: Really, the mother is giving her own dd an excuse for behaving badly and not holding her responsible for her own actions.

 

As for the rest, I would probably not allow sleepovers anymore simply because I don't want to be legally responsible from someone else's delinquent teen. I would also try to get to the bottom of *why* they thought this was a good idea. Was she just being foolish? Did she like the guy? Was it a bullying tactic (I would be more worried about that one)?

 

I did some REALLY REALLY stupid things as a teen. I snuck out of my grandparent's house with a friend and a cousin, met some older guys I knew at a local shopping center, and went to another town with them in a speeding car. What an idiot! And that is just *one* of the really, really dumb things I did (and I always seemed to get CAUGHT!) Now I am a perfectly respectable mom of 7. There is hope yet!:D

[Lolly]

First time offense? I think the punishments you are handing out are fine (especially the no more sleepovers for a long while). Then, I wouldn't worry about it. While your dd may have come up with the idea, all the other girls chose to participate. The only one I would have any remorse over is the one spending the night. It would be far harder for her to decline the invitation. :glare: Of course, I don't know any background; but I don't particularly see any need for straightening out. She and her friends pulled a fairly typical teenage prank and got caught. I'd probably ground her for a couple of weeks and let it go. I think you should be proud of her for admitting it was her idea. That shows some strength of character. She obviously has some good leadership skills. Perhaps you could find a way to have her apply them more constructively.

[Carrie12345]

:grouphug:

 

I don't have any advice, but I do want to point out that I had a friend who was a bad influence on me (not that that absolves me.) HER mother insisted I was a bad influence on my friend.

Try to ignore that blame game. ALL of the kids were wrong, and some of the parents are bound to be in denial.

 

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, maybe I'm just weird, but I honestly wouldn't worry about your daughter or the other kids based on this! This seems SO minor and certainly not the next step into delinquency! All sorts of kids have done this in the past. If they get caught, they clean up the mess, get grounded for a week, and all is fine. I would never think poorly of my child or her friends based on one silly prank!

 

Maybe I don't understand because I haven't been there, but....

 

BTW, to that list of consequences, I'd add a formal apology and offering the homeowner some sweat (yardwork, clean out garage, whatever).

[Haiku]

I haven't read the replies so maybe I am the dissenting opinion but ...

 

I tp'd a house or two as a teen, and I turned out just fine. I think a window alarm is too extreme. I might ground my kid for a week or so, but really, getting caught by the police is the natural consequence. I wouldn't be thrilled that my kid snuck out, but I would think that the police encounter would be enough to discourage that in the future. It seems that piling on the punishment makes the problem yours and removes the child's responsibility ... now she gets to be mad at you for being punished instead of contemplating how exactly she got into a police situation to begin with.

 

I guess I feel very embarrassed about the driving friend's mother thinking my child is a bad influence on hers, but I wonder how much of that is just denial that her child might ever do anything bad. Her dd is actually older than mine by nearly 2 years and the fact that she was at home and had to illegally drive here since it was after 11pm would have made it so easy for her to say no. Should I just not worry about that?

 

Don't worry about it. Her child is responsible for her actions. Your child is responsible for hers.

 

Tara

[JulieJ]

My advice is coming from an experienced "did lots of stupid things" as a teen.

 

Teenagers for the most part just do not see the dangers of what could happen to them (driving to wal-mart in the middle of the night) and that is the scary part.

 

Toilet papering is usually a kid prank, but I would find out why they were choosing this particular boy like the previous poster had suggested. Liking the boy and being a bully are 2 totally separate subjects to work on.

 

As for the girl that was sleeping over. Maybe her parents already have some valid concerns about her and her brother? Most kids will be very scared when they get caught, but as long as you can feel confident she is not being abused, I would let it go.

 

As for the thing that would bother me the most from the whole thing is that she snuck out the window in the night. I realize it was to toilet paper this time but what about next time? Party she wants to go to? Meet with a boy? Some other crazy plan? Trust is a big issue here and I personal would remove the door from her room, ground her from all her things like you have said and get a handle on her now! As for sleepovers, that would be a thing of the past, I would never put myself responsible for another teen again. These girls will still probably be friends at school, no matter what the other parents say.

 

She is pretty non-communicative with us and we have been worried about it. This is a huge issue! I had to do a shake up with my son (just turned 14). I do beleive it is an age issue, because this is when they get the frame of mind that we are old and we could have no possible idea what goes on in school. I solved this about making comments about social circles, jocks, nerds, druggies, ect. and proved to my son that things really have not changed as much as he thinks they have. This has helped and now he is more open to talk about what goes on in school.

 

:grouphug: A hug for you cause I know you need one at this time. Let me just say some people might think I am a bit harsh or mean; but if I had parents that would have gone the extra step when I was younger, I might have made some different choices when I was younger! Good luck to you!

[Beth in OH]

I am editing my entire post, because I just reread the OP's post and discovered that this dd is one who seems to push the edge a bit. I couldn't tell if the OP is a Christian or not, but I wanted to recommend a Christian resource that I found very helpful: Parenting Adolescents, by Kevin Huggins. http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Adolescents-Kevin-Huggins/dp/0891096973/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270469718&sr=8-1 This book is old (1989), but it is wise.

 

I parent a child who pushes limits, sometimes unwisely and inappropriately asserts her independence, has made some rather large mistakes in judgement and has caused me numerous sleepless nights. I have learned a few things along the way--1. prayer is powerful; 2. it is a hard lesson to learn that I cannot control another's behavior; 3. I love my child no matter what, and I never give up; 4. God loves our children and holds them close; 5. additional rules and discipline were not going to produce a desired result.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Beth

Edited April 5, 2010 by Beth in OH

[Renee in NC]

Okay, maybe I'm just weird, but I honestly wouldn't worry about your daughter or the other kids based on this! This seems SO minor and certainly not the next step into delinquency! All sorts of kids have done this in the past. If they get caught, they clean up the mess, get grounded for a week, and all is fine. I would never think poorly of my child or her friends based on one silly prank!

 

Maybe I don't understand because I haven't been there, but....

 

BTW, to that list of consequences, I'd add a formal apology and offering the homeowner some sweat (yardwork, clean out garage, whatever).

 

:iagree:

 

I don't think there is one person on this forum who didn't do something equally stupid when they were young. You face the consequences for your actions and move on. No one is *really* a delinquent over this.

[CalicoKat]

I bet she won't repeat this adventure. :D

 

Sounds like the resulting actions by the sheriff, home owner, and other parents and you have had an impression on her.

 

1. She told you the truth. HUGE.

 

2. She's owning up to her responsibility.

 

If this were my dd I would have her apologize to the her friends for getting them in trouble, to their parent's for being a poor leader, to the home owner who's house they were tp'ing and to you.

 

Give her a hug and reconcile your relationship. Lesson learned.

[delaney]

:iagree:

 

I don't think there is one person on this forum who didn't do something equally stupid when they were young. You face the consequences for your actions and move on. No one is *really* a delinquent over this.

Yup. Did my fair share of TPing as a teen and worse. It all shakes out in the end.

[KnitWit]

Oh my goodness! I tp'd so many houses...and never cleaned up! LOL! A church youth leader used to take us sometimes! LOL!

[Tidbits of Learning]

I also want to point out that military parents may seem more strict, but when the police are involved it goes straight to their commanding officer. This guy will get pulled in and talked to about this incident with his child. It can effect his job and how his superiors perceive him if he has an unruly child. So he is going to be answering for his child's actions as well.

The child knows this and is probably afraid and ashamed that she is going to cause her Dad embarrassment with his superiors and peers. I don't think everyone realizes that everything the family does reflects on the person in the military.

As for the blame game, all the children involved are to blame. They all participated. I wouldn't worry about what the other parents thought of my child. I would worry about how to handle the situation and deal with my child not other children. You are taking care of the sleepover problem by putting the brakes on sleepovers.

I'm assuming you and your DH aren't going to be explaining your child's actions to a boss. I would seriously think about the fact that this Dad is probably going to be explaining the behavior of his child to his superior before forming any judgment on their punishments. If the older brother had similar issues, then the Dad has probably been pulled in by his superior a lot. You may not be able to take any heat off of this child for her actions.

[hsbaby]

So, the homewowner called the sheriff because their house was being TP'd by some teenage girls?!?! Geez...talk about extreme! I think you have handled it well. As PP's have said, I wouldn't continue to pile on the punishments. No sleepovers, grounded, along with the trauma of being caught...i'll bet she learned her lesson!!! I think it's a rare teenager you will find that didn't do something similar. I know I did...many, many times:)

[Danestress]

Try not to let it get under your skin. Who knows what the parents really said and what they really think. I can easily imagine my child trying and trying to say that something is another kid's "fault" and responding, "Well, if this kid is such a bad influence, maybe we need to keep you apart" as a way to call his bluff. I wouldn't necessarily think the other kid was a bad influence as much as I would just want my child to not blame things on other kids and then expect to hang out with those kids.

 

Anyway, I would not allow myself to worry about what the other parents are thinking as long as your daughter really is a good kid and not inclined toward trouble. This incident alone does not make me think this is a group girls who are headed to trouble. It sounds like normal kid bad decisions to me.

 

I also would not worry about what this other girl is saying about her parents being so strict. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Not your problem. She's afraid of being in trouble, and that's okay. Perhaps that will keep her out of trouble in the future.

 

This seems like a very small thing to me except for one thing. The driving. I would feel really differently if these kids had walked somewhere after sneaking out than I do them driving somewhere. I guess I just think that there is so much more really bad that happens when kids are out driving around in the middle of the night. So I would let my child know that if she EVER goes out driving in the night, either her driving, or her in another teen's car, without permission, it will be a very very big deal.

 

But I would probably let this one slide. It's a great opportunity to talk about issues, peer pressure, house rules, parental worries, etc and to show her that you are reasonable parents who love her and don't over-react but who have rules for a reason. It would be one of those, "Someday you will be driving yourself, and before that happens, I need to know that you are a kid who follows all my rules" conversations.

[babysparkler]

Okay, maybe I'm just weird, but I honestly wouldn't worry about your daughter or the other kids based on this! This seems SO minor and certainly not the next step into delinquency! All sorts of kids have done this in the past. If they get caught, they clean up the mess, get grounded for a week, and all is fine. I would never think poorly of my child or her friends based on one silly prank!

 

Maybe I don't understand because I haven't been there, but....

 

BTW, to that list of consequences, I'd add a formal apology and offering the homeowner some sweat (yardwork, clean out garage, whatever).

:iagree:

[JeneralMom]

I have never TP's a house, nor did anyone I know growing up. Maybe it just wasn't a "thing" that was done in Montreal, but I don't remember ever seeing a TP's house IRL until I moved to the States. I personally didn't think it was a harmless little teenage prank the first time I saw it. My first thought was "oh how humiliating for that family, their house has been covered in something you use to wipe bodily excrement {being polite here, not the actual word I thought}" which basically in my mind meant whoever did it thought those people were the equivalent of that same bodily excrement. Then, I realized it was common-ish where I lived and people thought it was funny. My neighbour's house was TP'd on an almost weekly basis because his son was part of a sports team, and they all did it to each other's houses. It was annoying to have TP floating into my yard, and it was ugly. I still don't think it is funny, cute or harmless and will institute serious consequences if any of my children do it.

 

Perhaps the owner called the sheriff because he had several underage girls on his property who were obviously out without consent and one was driving illegally. If he had let them go and there had been an accident, he may have thought he would be accountable.

[jenL]

Try not to let it get under your skin. Who knows what the parents really said and what they really think. I can easily imagine my child trying and trying to say that something is another kid's "fault" and responding, "Well, if this kid is such a bad influence, maybe we need to keep you apart" as a way to call his bluff. I wouldn't necessarily think the other kid was a bad influence as much as I would just want my child to not blame things on other kids and then expect to hang out with those kids.

 

Anyway, I would not allow myself to worry about what the other parents are thinking as long as your daughter really is a good kid and not inclined toward trouble. This incident alone does not make me think this is a group girls who are headed to trouble. It sounds like normal kid bad decisions to me.

 

I also would not worry about what this other girl is saying about her parents being so strict. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Not your problem. She's afraid of being in trouble, and that's okay. Perhaps that will keep her out of trouble in the future.

 

This seems like a very small thing to me except for one thing. The driving. I would feel really differently if these kids had walked somewhere after sneaking out than I do them driving somewhere. I guess I just think that there is so much more really bad that happens when kids are out driving around in the middle of the night. So I would let my child know that if she EVER goes out driving in the night, either her driving, or her in another teen's car, without permission, it will be a very very big deal.

 

But I would probably let this one slide. It's a great opportunity to talk about issues, peer pressure, house rules, parental worries, etc and to show her that you are reasonable parents who love her and don't over-react but who have rules for a reason. It would be one of those, "Someday you will be driving yourself, and before that happens, I need to know that you are a kid who follows all my rules" conversations.

 

:iagree: This is harder said than done, but I think your daughter has learned a great lesson in this, and I think you have handled it appropriately. In a couple of weeks, loosen the punishments slowly, and learn to trust her again. What she did was silly and of poor judgement, but perfectly normal teen behavior - even from the "good" kids.

[DarlaS]

In the meantime, the friend who drove texted dd (I have the phone now, so I saw it) letting her know how much she was in trouble and how her parents are saying what a bad influence my dd is on her.

 

You really don't know that her parents actually feel that way--just that she says they do. People do like to think of their kids as the innocent ones but truly, this girl is every bit as culpable--if not more so. I'd bet she knew more (in advance) about what they were planning than she will admit.

 

Oh and I agree with the PP'ers who said TP'ing is so not a police worthy offense. :tongue_smilie:

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I also want to point out that military parents may seem more strict, but when the police are involved it goes straight to their commanding officer. This guy will get pulled in and talked to about this incident with his child. It can effect his job and how his superiors perceive him if he has an unruly child. So he is going to be answering for his child's actions as well.

The child knows this and is probably afraid and ashamed that she is going to cause her Dad embarrassment with his superiors and peers. I don't think everyone realizes that everything the family does reflects on the person in the military.

 

I was wondering if it was still this way.

 

I was a military brat and one time I walked to the commissary to get something to drink without my military ID card. They called my dad's boss at work to tell him and he was HOT, he did not like being called at work to handle any "delinquent type behavior." It can make you a little quirky over what you say and do as a child. That's just how it goes.

[HRAAB]

TPing a house is mild. When I was in school, it was expected that the girls would TP certain football player's houses before certain games. Then we did a few other times, too. I think getting caught by the police is a big punishment. My concern would be the sneaking out in the middle of the night. I would cancel sleepovers for a certain time and probably ground her for a week. Then we would move on. Please don't think of your dd as a bad influence. The other mothers are just trying to find someone to blame for their dd's behavior.

[Giraffe]

I was wondering if it was still this way.

 

I was a military brat and one time I walked to the commissary to get something to drink without my military ID card. They called my dad's boss at work to tell him and he was HOT, he did not like being called at work to handle any "delinquent type behavior." It can make you a little quirky over what you say and do as a child. That's just how it goes.

 

:iagree:Another brat here - yeah - the girl is freaked because what she does affects her dad and his work. Let them handle it, check in on her, don't worry too much about it.

 

Luckily, I never got caught.... ;)

[TravelingChris]

I am the mother of two teens and one adult. We are also a military family. I would be so upset if any of my kids did this but then I couldn't see them doing this. I consider tping without permission to be vandalism. There is some decorating/tping that goes on with athletic teams but parents know this and are normally fine with it. THe tping I knew about as a kid and as a parent was normally that type of variety and not particularly hard to remove. The kids were normally doing it as part of the evening out- not a sneak off in the night activity. The only kids I knew about who were sneaking out at night and driving around or being picked up and driven around were kids on the wrong road. IMHO, nothing about this is benign. TP on the house of a boy you like is incredibly stupid since most likely it is a chore he will have to take care of. Nice way to get him to notice you, not.

If my house was tpied without permission and I caught the kids doing it, I would call the police. It is vandalism and a crime, as is often being out at night without parental permission.

[fivetails]

So, the homewowner called the sheriff because their house was being TP'd by some teenage girls?!?! Geez...talk about extreme!

 

 

????

 

If there were people throwing toilet paper [or anything else] all over MY property, I would also call the police. It's disgusting, disrespectful, and illegal.

[sparrow]

:iagree: with the many PPs that your punishments seem appropriate and that the other girls need to take responsibility for their own actions in the incident.

 

What struck me is that the sheriff's department called you at 2:30am for this:svengo:! Calls at that hour from the sheriff's department are often for MUCH worse reasons and I'm shocked that they would put you through that jarring wake up call for TP'ING!!! They couldn't tell the girls to go home and that their parents would be getting a call in the morning? I mean, your dd could even go wake you up and tell you when she got home, but hearing the phone ring at 2:30 and hearing the other end say "sheriff" is enough to give a parent a heart attack.

[fivetails]

If my house was tpied without permission and I caught the kids doing it, I would call the police. It is vandalism and a crime, as is often being out at night without parental permission.

 

:iagree:

 

 

Glad to see I'm not the only one.

[RegGuheert]

All this is bad enough, but the fact that she had a friend over who we were responsible for and had never spent the night here before, makes it so much worse.

That's the bit that would upset me the most. When this girl was invited to sleep over at your house, her parents had to decide whether she would be in a 1) safe and 2) appropriate environment while away from home. Because of the actions of your daughter, this girl ended up doing unsafe and inappropriate activities while under your direct care. To me, it is one thing to make bad decisions when the consequences impact only the decision maker. It is quite another thing to make bad decisions which impact others. If I were in your shoes, I would be impressing upon your daughter how she failed to take into consideration how her decisions and actions were impacting you, her sleep-over guest and the guest's parents. Yes, TP'ing a house is a minor deal, but leaving the safety of your home with an invited guest is not, IMO. Edited April 5, 2010 by RegGuheert

[JulieJ]

 

What struck me is that the sheriff's department called you at 2:30am for this:svengo:! Calls at that hour from the sheriff's department are often for MUCH worse reasons and I'm shocked that they would put you through that jarring wake up call for TP'ING!!! They couldn't tell the girls to go home and that their parents would be getting a call in the morning? I mean, your dd could even go wake you up and tell you when she got home, but hearing the phone ring at 2:30 and hearing the other end say "sheriff" is enough to give a parent a heart attack.

 

Umm having a young 14 year old girl out in the middle of the night misbehaving is serious. If my child did that and were caught by the police and they DIDN'T call me right then, I would be very upset!

[fivetails]

Umm having a young 14 year old girl out in the middle of the night misbehaving is serious. If my child did that and were caught by the police and they DIDN'T call me right then, I would be very upset!

 

:iagree:

 

 

i don't think the police could NOT call ~ they have charge of a minor child and need to release that child to an adult, don't they?

[Tree House Academy]

I would not worry one second about the friend who was driving. If you are 16 and taking your cues from a 14 year old, then you have bigger issues. Good grief!

 

I would be terribly upset about the friend who was spending the night, though. You are right, you were responsible for this child and anything she did will fall back on you guys. I know this isnt' what you want to hear, but if one of my kids were spending the night with someone and this happened, my first thought would be "where were the parents???" I am not saying this against you, just trying to prepare you for what might be the reaction of the other parents. Kids will be kids and they do "bad" things sometimes. They are also sneaky. In my home, it would result in complete and utter removal of "spending the night" privileges. There would be lots of grounding and lots of discussions about how the driver could have wrecked and killed all of you, you could be in juvenile detention right now, and making good choices.

 

I know that you are upset about this and didn't even know it was happening...nor expect it from your dd. I am sorry all this is happening. :( I hope everything goes okay for you guys and the other child when she is finished talking to her parents.

 

Another consideration is that this child may just really not want her parents to know what happened. Maybe it won't be as bad as she thinks. ?? :(

[sparrow]

:iagree:

 

 

i don't think the police could NOT call ~ they have charge of a minor child and need to release that child to an adult, don't they?

 

 

Wowzer. I never got in any trouble with "the law", so I had no idea.

 

In any event, I still think it's over the top, but if they have to release to an adult so be it. I didn't get from the original post that the sheriff's department dropped her off, too.

[Tree House Academy]

That's the bit that would upset me the most. When this girl was invited to sleep over to your house, her parents had to decide whether she would be in a 1) safe and 2) appropriate environment while away from home. Because of the actions of your daughter, this girl ended up doing unsafe and inappropriate activities while under your direct care. To me, it is one thing to make bad decisions when the consequences impact only the decision maker. It is quite another thing to make bad decisions which impact others. If I were in your shoes, I would be impressing upon your daughter how she failed to take into consideration how her decisions and actions were impacting you, her sleep-over guest and the guest's parents. Yes, TP'ing a house is a minor deal, but leaving the safety of your home with an invited guest is not, IMO.

 

 

She said it better than I did...this was my point.:iagree:

[fivetails]

 

 

i don't think the police could NOT call ~ they have charge of a minor child and need to release that child to an adult, don't they?

 

Wowzer. I never got in any trouble with "the law", so I had no idea.

 

In any event, I still think it's over the top, but if they have to release to an adult so be it. I didn't get from the original post that the sheriff's department dropped her off, too.

 

They committed a crime - they vandalized someone's home. If having the police call their parents is *all* that happened [from a "legal" standpoint], then those girls are very fortunate.

 

They could have been arrested & charged here:

 

Criminal Code of Canada

 

Section 430(1) states: "Everyone commits mischief who wilfully (a) destroys or damages property, (b) renders property dangerous, useless, inoperative or ineffective, © obstructs, interrupts or interferes with the lawful use, enjoyment or operation of property, or (d) obstructs, interrupts or interferes with any person in the lawful use, enjoyment or operation of property."

 

Particularly ©, I would imagine. If someone throws toilet paper all over my property, they are indeed interfering with my family's use, enjoyment, and operation of the property.

[aggieamy]

If my house was tpied without permission and I caught the kids doing it, I would call the police. It is vandalism and a crime, as is often being out at night without parental permission.

 

????

 

If there were people throwing toilet paper [or anything else] all over MY property, I would also call the police. It's disgusting, disrespectful, and illegal.

 

Umm having a young 14 year old girl out in the middle of the night misbehaving is serious. If my child did that and were caught by the police and they DIDN'T call me right then, I would be very upset!

 

:iagree:

 

Maybe I'm just the world's strictest parent but if I caught anyone TPing my house I'd call the police. I cetainly would if I was home alone with my kids in the house because I wouldn't be going outside to see if they were TPing my house or maybe they were breaking into my shed to steal tools or trying to find a ladder behind my house to break in. They are illegally on my property in the middle of the night. Nope. Unacceptable. If I ever catch my kids doing something like that they will be in more trouble than they can imagine. I grew up in Texas and there were stories of kids doing silly harmless pranks like that on someone elses property and getting shot.

[RegGuheert]

 

They couldn't tell the girls to go home and that their parents would be getting a call in the morning?

No, they couldn't, because none of the children involved were legal to be driving at that hour.

[hsbaby]

????

 

If there were people throwing toilet paper [or anything else] all over MY property, I would also call the police. It's disgusting, disrespectful, and illegal.

 

Well, I understand, I guess. Personally, I wouldn't have called the police. I TP'd so many houses in my day. It was always done as a joke to friends of ours (usually boys) and I had it done back to me. Not saying I think now, as an adult, it is funny or a great joke to play, just recognizing that I did the same juvenile things when I was young and I was far from a troubled teen!! It's so easy for us to forget what kids think is funny.

 

ETA: I think it is a far bigger deal that her dd snuck out of the house and was driving with someone illegally. That would definitely result in some punishment....

Edited April 5, 2010 by hsbaby

[Haiku]

my first thought would be "where were the parents???"

 

This type of thinking also removes responsibility from the girls and places it on someone else. Where were the parents? In bed, asleep, which is a perfectly normal place for them to be at that time of night. I would never send my 14 year old to another person's house expecting that person to be actively supervising my child in the middle of the night. If my child chose to do something dumb, it would be on my child alone ... unless the other parent were actively egging my child on.

 

Tara

[kayben]

First time offense? I think the punishments you are handing out are fine (especially the no more sleepovers for a long while). Then, I wouldn't worry about it. While your dd may have come up with the idea, all the other girls chose to participate. The only one I would have any remorse over is the one spending the night. It would be far harder for her to decline the invitation. :glare: Of course, I don't know any background; but I don't particularly see any need for straightening out. She and her friends pulled a fairly typical teenage prank and got caught. I'd probably ground her for a couple of weeks and let it go. I think you should be proud of her for admitting it was her idea. That shows some strength of character. She obviously has some good leadership skills. Perhaps you could find a way to have her apply them more constructively.

:iagree:

[Krista in LA]

Thanks for all the replies so far - they have really helped calm me down. My dh and I must be real prudes because neither of us ever snuck out of the house in the middle of the night to tp someone. Not saying I never tp'd, I just never snuck out like that.

 

I did get a little more information from dd this morning. Apparently the boy whose house she thought she was tp'ing broke up with her yesterday, except that they weren't really going out; whatever that means. She doesn't like to talk to us, so this was how she decided to handle it. We had a talk about that and I had a good cry with her to help her realize we have all been through breakups and it's okay. It's a constant struggle to try to get her to communicate with us. I keep plugging away though hoping that someday she might realize that it's okay to talk to me.

 

As to her friend that spent the night, I do see this as the worst of it all. My dd truly believes that this girl's dad will send her off somewhere. Her older brother had lots of problems, including alcohol, and I think the parents might be at the end of their ropes. She does not believe that her friend has actually done anything else to warrant being sent off. If that happens, I guess my dd will just have to deal with her actions affecting this girl in such a profound way.

 

Oh, and the guy who lived there was outside supervising the cleanup when I went to pick up dd and he was very kind. He admitted to doing the same when he was a teenager and told me not to worry about it. I did make dd apologize before we left.

 

Thanks again, and I will keep reading.

[bookfiend]

Two more wonderful books to help promote better communication because this is just a single prank, but the relationship is for a lifetime.

 

Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp

 

Love Languages for Children.

[Tree House Academy]

This type of thinking also removes responsibility from the girls and places it on someone else. Where were the parents? In bed, asleep, which is a perfectly normal place for them to be at that time of night. I would never send my 14 year old to another person's house expecting that person to be actively supervising my child in the middle of the night. If my child chose to do something dumb, it would be on my child alone ... unless the other parent were actively egging my child on.

 

Tara

 

I agree, and I understand what you are saying. That would still be my first thought. I am trying to say that the responsibility of that child falls on the parents in this situation. The parents of the friend were trusting that their dd would be safe, etc. I am not saying this is "logical" at all...I am just saying that would be my first thought and I think it would be many other parents' first thought as well. Like I said, another poster made my point better than I did. I quoted her post below mine.

[hornblower]

She doesn't like to talk to us, so this was how she decided to handle it. We had a talk about that and I had a good cry with her to help her realize we have all been through breakups and it's okay. It's a constant struggle to try to get her to communicate with us. I keep plugging away though hoping that someday she might realize that it's okay to talk to me.

 

 

If there was an alarm bell icon, I'd be putting in a whole line of them.

 

THIS is what you need to deal with. Do not let this go - & it's oh, so easy, I know. I've seen it with my cousins and nephews and it's so easy for parents to just let go.

 

You will need to fight for this. You say you've been plugging away at it & that's wonderful!! I'm glad you see how important it is!

 

Have you read Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld?

 

Also if you can afford it, I'd order the dvd's of his course Making Sense of Adolescence. http://gordonneufeld.com/booksvideos.php

 

best wishes

Edited April 5, 2010 by hornblower
every once in a while it's clear English is not my 1st language :-)

[Supertechmom]

????

 

If there were people throwing toilet paper [or anything else] all over MY property, I would also call the police. It's disgusting, disrespectful, and illegal.

 

:iagree:

 

there were stories of kids doing silly harmless pranks like that on someone elses property and getting shot.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[sparrow]

She doesn't like to talk to us, so this was how she decided to handle it. We had a talk about that and I had a good cry with her to help her realize we have all been through breakups and it's okay. It's a constant struggle to try to get her to communicate with us. I keep plugging away though hoping that someday she might realize that it's okay to talk to me.

 

 

 

Oh, this is big and the thing I would be concerned about. :grouphug:

 

It sounds like your family is involved and aware, so that's awesome! Keep plugging away.

[Guest Barb B]

TPing is the minor thing here - sneaking out, driving with someone (who is 2 years older!) with out permission - big offenses IMO. My kids at 16 are not allowed to drive anyone else nor are they allowed to be passengers of friends. At 16 - they are either driving alone or with Mom or Dad. Too many instances of kids crashing because they just can't handle the distractions of friends in the car. I haven't read all the responses but this is my opinion. If it were my kid I would lay down the law about not being in the car with teen drivers. Also, sneaking out is also a big deal. Even during the day my 17 year old is expected to tell me where he is going. I don't expect sneaking. I am sure she is a good kid - but here is where she will learn how serious you are about these rules. If she doesn't learn how serious you are now - you could have bigger trouble later.

 

Another thought - research shows that teens don't have the development yet to really think through actions. We need to lay down the law, follow through with consequences and also explain why. Explain why we do or don't do things is important - because what is obvious to us is not obvious to them!

 

Barb

[Guest Barb B]

Just quickly skimmed replies. I guess I disagree with most. I can't see why no one sees the big issue here is sneaking out and driving with another teen without your permission. It would be a minor offense if they walked to a neighbors house to TP.

 

Barb

[Haiku]

I can't see why no one sees the big issue here is sneaking out and driving with another teen without your permission.

 

I think that the evening was a series of dumb decisions, culminating in police involvement. To me, having the police involved and her friends in trouble, and possibly not able to come to her house again, would make a bigger impact on a child than being grounded (perhaps "grounded again," in the child's mind). I got grounded occasionally as a teen. It didn't mean that I didn't know or understand my parents' rules. It meant thats sometimes I was willing to take the risk of being grounded to do what I wanted to do. I see grounding as a rather generic, uninspired punishment (not that I haven't grounded my teen before), and as a parent I would be cheering that the police got involved. I think that's FAR more likely to deter a child from doing something dumb in the future than "another grounding" would. I would think that this is the type of scenario that many parents would be praying for: a mistake that didn't result in injury that has serious real-life ramifications without having a lifelong negative result, and one that doesn't paint me as the "bad guy." Talk about a chance for a kid to learn! I wouldn't go through the list of infractions item by item and impose a punishment for each one. I would see the police involvement as consequence for everything. That doesn't mean there wouldn't be a long series of discussions, though.

 

Tara

Edited April 5, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[mom4him]

A similar thing happened to our middle son many years ago. He had a friend spend the night (it was summer so they 'slept' in our back yard), they were joined by two other boys, one that was 3+ yrs older, stole eggs out of my fridge and egged the car of one of our neighbors.

 

Our next door neighbor is the chief of police, just happened to be up at 1 a.m., looked out his front door and witnessed the egging. Guess what, our son was the only one he recognized!:hurray: He called dispatch and they were all hearded up except for my ds who headed home. I woke up to him at the foot of our bed saying, "Mom!Mom! The police are going to be coming to our house real soon!" :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: I just have to laugh when I think back to that time.

Long story short, we had to go to the pd, then they got to go the the neighbor that has an egg covered car, wake her up, apologize to her and scrub the car(by now it was about 5 a.m. He also had to go before a juvinile judge. The judge basically told him that it was his first offence so he wasn't going to give him any sentence but if he EVER saw his face in his court again he would through the book at him.

Fear of the judge was well instilled. :lol:

As far as us, we had been talking about the influence that a couple of these boys were having over him and this seemed to bring the whole thing home. HE cut off relationship with them and he never had to go before the judge again.

Your dd was the one that instigated the thing. I would suggest that she go to each of the set of parents and apologize for her part in this. If it had not been for her all the other kids would have been safe in their homes. I think that her heart felt apology will possibly carry her a long ways as far as these other parent trusting her.

I agree with everything else that has been removed from her possession along with no more sleep overs. I don't think my ds ever asked to do another sleep over. :lol:

[myfunnybunch]

It's a constant struggle to try to get her to communicate with us. I keep plugging away though hoping that someday she might realize that it's okay to talk to me.

 

:grouphug:

 

Hang in there. Keep trying.

 

She's talking to you now. She's taking responsibility. She's not trying to blame anyone else for her actions. These speak as much to her character as those impulsive actions. Make sure she knows you can see those things too and that you want to help her build those up.

 

Communication is a challenge with my 14 y.o. We're doing the same thing, plugging away, staying open, trying to fill her heart as much as possible when she does let us in.

 

I don't know specifically what I might do in your shoes. You seem to be searching for that precarious balance between preserving the relationship and helping your dd experience reasonable consequences for some pretty serious actions. Sounds like you're doing great so far. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Laurie4b]

I like your idea of walking over to the home of dd's overnight guest and having dd take the heat. Also, you taking the heat for being responsible for them. (Not that you could have done much without prior notice, but just "the buck stops here.")

 

Dd probably did this as a silly prank, so I would not over-react. Keep her heart. I would suggest things like an apology to other friends and their parents for coming up with the idea. When you're the leader, the buck stops with you. That would help with her reputation. Just an apology for not thinking through the consequences and for getting everyone in trouble--no huge mea culpa. I would also lean heavily on that "You're a leader" thing. She was the leader; she has to decide what kind of leader she is. Her leadership hurt all of her friends and they could have been hurt more. She has a gift of leadership, but she needs to decide how to use it. Don't berate her--invite her to think about it from that angle. (I wouldn't spend time second-guessing yourself that she wouldn't have done this if she hadn't gone to ps either. It sounds like it was coming... and has come now when she's still under your roof and can guide it better than if it had come once she'd gone off to college.)

 

I would not put an alarm on her window. That is falling into a cat-and-mouse game. If she wants to sneak out, she can, alarm or no. I would tell her that, too. You are powerless to prevent this kind of action--only she can prevent it. I would deal with her heart-to-heart on the unanticipated consequences of sneaking out. Thankfully, they were minor this time.

 

I think I would also have dd offer her services weeding or mowing the victim's yard. Serving the person she (inadvertantly) targeted is a way of doing restitution.