Advise needed for this sticky situation.

[Desert Rat]

Here's the scoop:

 

We take archery lessons every other Tuesday. The classes were started by a homeschool group and the group collectively quit attending so it's just been my 2 boys and a friend's 2 boys for about 8 months now. We love it!

 

Yesterday, a lady shows up who belongs to the original hs group. She insists on hugging when she meets someone and says so. She also insists upon hugs when leaving. I have personal space issues and I admit it freely. I don't like to be hugged by people I DO know, let alone ones I don't. I was honestly relieved when her family quit coming to archery because I didn't like the hugging. Now she says she will be attending regularly.

 

Ugh. In the past, yesterday included, I just let her hug me. Today, I'm carrying around this yucky feeling. I shouldn't have to compromise on this, should I? Without being completely nasty to her, does the Hive have any suggestions on what I can say or body language I can use to discourage this hug attack? I've tried remaining seated and that doesn't work.

 

BTW, I completely understand people who like to hug. My question is simply how I can discreetly and politely deter her.

 

Thanks for your input!

[vettechmomof2]

Personally I would insist right back that she is crossing a personal space line.

Hugging is viewed in my eyes as for my hubby and children. Sometimes family and friends but not for people I do not know unless I OFFER (example, emotional break down of a client or something).

I would be polite but back up if she tries to hug and explain that a hug is not needed but a handshaek would be great :). With your hand extended.

[Miss Peregrine]

:lurk5:

 

Because I am the same way.

[Desert Rat]

Whew! I'm not alone!:o

[Mrs Mungo]

Sneeze on her? :D

[Wendi]

She insists on hugging when she meets someone and says so.

:glare: :confused:

 

If she insists on hugging, even if a person prefers not to be hugged and states their preference, doesn't that negate the general intention of the hug (i.e., to show affection, warmth, and friendship)? Wow. :001_huh:

 

Hmm. Tell her you have a rare communicable disease? No, maybe not.

 

I guess you'll have to pull her aside at next week's lesson, and say, "Susie, I do appreciate your warm and friendly greetings/leave-takings, but I'm just not a touchy-feely person, and really only feel comfortable hugging members of my family. It may seem weird to you, but I promise I like you, and it's nothing personal. I just don't want you to hug me anymore. But I'd love a handshake!"

 

If she insists, after that, she's wacky and you might have to fall back to the communicable disease excuse. :D

 

Wendi

[4kiddies]

Truthfully, my skin is crawling just thinking about it.....:tongue_smilie:

 

I guess that means I'm not a hugger...

 

I would just nicely but firmly state you are not hugging. You are not being rude by not hugging, she is being rude by forcing the issue.

[2cents]

You could make sure you are carrying a large coffee or soda in one hand and something in the other. She probably won't want you to spill stuff on her so she won't hug. I don't like the huggy thing either.

[stripe]

Give her a big juicy kiss before she can hug you? ;)

[BridgeTea]

Sneeze on her? :D

 

This made me laugh. :) I have a BIL who claims he sits and flamboyantly flosses his teeth right after boarding an airplane in an attempt to scare off any potential seat-mates.

 

To the OP: I'm so sorry I don't have any solutions for you. I don't mind hugs too much, myself, but I realize there are others who mind tremendously so I don't tend to be the instigator. There's got to be a way to protect your personal space. Thrust your shaking hand right out there, get it done quickly, and do an about-face?? Would that work? Oh, wait! This is archery? Woman, keep your loaded weapon out in front of you at all times. A crazed look in your eye wouldn't hurt, either.

[FaithManor]

Is it possible that you could say to her that because she has missed so many classes and the other four boys are ahead, that it wouldn't be feasible for her to rejoin the class?

 

If not, I would certainly pull away and extend my hand. A handshake is the culturally acceptable public greeting. She shouldn't be forcing more.

 

Its unfortunate that we have a society in which huge numbers of people don't respect any boundaries.

Once you've politely expressed your feelings, you should not allow her to hug you.

 

Faith

[Desert Rat]

Good excuses! My favorites are sneezing and keeping my weapon handy. :) Unfortunately, it's the kids' lessons not mine. I was thinking of just going on another day and not telling the big group. Heeheee. I think that would show just how antisocial I tend to be.

[RoughCollie]

I would just put my hand up between us, and with a big smile on my face say, "No hugging." Kind of like warding off a dog who wants to jump on me.

 

If she became pushy and demanded an explanation, I would say, "If you hug me, I will be forced to bite you". With a straight face.

 

I've done both and this works. I admit I've only been able to use the biting threat one time.

Edited March 17, 2010 by RoughCollie

[fairfarmhand]

I don't like impersonal hugs either. YUCK!

[SheilaZ]

She hugs for greetings and goodbyes. She'd drive me insane.

 

I'm not a hugger at all. And hugging people who don't want to be hugged...I find that sort of thing horriby rude and it would make me feel very resentful and uncomfortable.

 

First, I would would put up my hands as she approached me, visably cringe, and say "Oh, please don't hug me. I really a huggy person. I save those for my husband." This usually works for me.

But for those who won't take no for an answer, I joke, "You must really not want me around. I really don't like hugs."

 

If someone really insisted after that, I would find it rude and that would open the door for me to recipricate. I have never had to go this far but I think I might be forced to in your situtation.

The next time she came at me with arms wide, I would smack her on the butt when she hugged me and then smile and say, "I just insist on smacking people on the butt when they hug me against my wishes."

 

Then she could pick if she'd like like to continue the battle.

[Danestress]

"Sue, after last week, I was really bothered by the fact that you insised on hugging me. I absolutely can't stand hugging. I've been agonizing over how to handle this without hurting your feelings but also without feeling like I have to do something that I just hate doing because you insist on it. I guess I just decided to be honest and say that I simply don't hug people and I expect you to respect that but I hope that you will know it's not you personally - I don't hug anyone but DH."

[chiguirre]

I was going to suggest you tell her you have sensory issues and hugging is unpleasant for you. But I like Rough Collie's answer better!

[Ellyndria]

"Sue, after last week, I was really bothered by the fact that you insised on hugging me. I absolutely can't stand hugging. I've been agonizing over how to handle this without hurting your feelings but also without feeling like I have to do something that I just hate doing because you insist on it. I guess I just decided to be honest and say that I simply don't hug people and I expect you to respect that but I hope that you will know it's not you personally - I don't hug anyone but DH."

 

:iagree:

[Desert Rat]

Ooh! Good answers. I think I'll try RoughCollie's next time and if that doesn't work, maybe I will just have to sit there with a loaded bow on my lap. It is archery after all. Thanks for making me feel like less of a freak though! I didn't realize so many others didn't like hugs. I'll check in later tonight if anyone else has input.

[Snickerdoodle]

I'd pull a Chuck Norris if someone touched me without my permission. ;)

[Remudamom]

Ask her if she's making a pass at you, tell her you're straight, and married anyhow.

 

Scream "No Touchy, No Touchy" at the top of your voice.

 

Wear heels. Stomp her.

 

Let her hug you then yell "Pervert!" and slap her hard.

 

Or like RC said. Put your hand up in her face and firmly command "Stop, sit, stay". Then praise her and hand her a doggy treat.

Edited March 18, 2010 by Remudamom

[Lisa R.]

First let me say that I think people should respect boundaries. While shaking hands is a common greeting, if I felt that someone objected I certainly wouldn't insist. I would think it was odd, but I wouldn't insist.

 

I'm not one to go around initiating hugs, either. But if someone wanted to give me one, I wouldn't object. Can I ask what you object to? I guess if someone wanted to hug me hello and good-bye, I'd just realize that she was different from me and meant well. I can't imagine confronting someone and risk making them feel badly when they were, in their mind, trying to show kindness. Isn't this an area where we can get outside our comfort zone and accept this gesture?

[Garga]

First let me say that I think people should respect boundaries. While shaking hands is a common greeting, if I felt that someone objected I certainly wouldn't insist. I would think it was odd, but I wouldn't insist.

 

I'm not one to go around initiating hugs, either. But if someone wanted to give me one, I wouldn't object. Can I ask what you object to? I guess if someone wanted to hug me hello and good-bye, I'd just realize that she was different from me and meant well. I can't imagine confronting someone and risk making them feel badly when they were, in their mind, trying to show kindness. Isn't this an area where we can get outside our comfort zone and accept this gesture?

 

Not sure why I don't like hugs, but I really don't.

 

I'll try to articulate one part of it: To me, hugging someone means that there is a deeeep connection between you. A hug (to me) is an expression of love. Real, deep love.

 

If someone I barely know hugs me, I feel like they're forcing a connection that isn't there. (Yes, I know that they don't see it that way, but I do.) It would be like having one date with some guy and then him assuming you were engaged. Having people hug me feels like we're moving waaaay too fast.

 

So, then after the hug, I feel out of my depth. Does the hug mean that we love each other? That we're like sisters? Does it mean that we have a deep, rich friendship? So, for a few moments, I feel completely off-kilter. And I feel slightly violated.

 

It's all because a hug means a lot more to me than to other people. So, if you hug me, I'm receiving a message that we're deeply connected. You might have just sent a lighthearted, "What's up?", but I've received something more complex.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm not one to go around initiating hugs, either. But if someone wanted to give me one, I wouldn't object. Can I ask what you object to? I guess if someone wanted to hug me hello and good-bye, I'd just realize that she was different from me and meant well. I can't imagine confronting someone and risk making them feel badly when they were, in their mind, trying to show kindness. Isn't this an area where we can get outside our comfort zone and accept this gesture?

 

I'm a huggy, touchy person. However, I *don't* hug or like hugging people *I don't really know*. I think it feels fake. If it's a comforting gesture because I'm upset, I can understand that. If someone *insists* on doing it upon each and every meeting and good-bye? And this person doesn't really know me? It's weird. I think a kiss on the cheek is less weird and intimate than a hug...maybe it's just more common in our circles? This may feel different to people who grew up in one small town v. people who have moved around a lot and/or grew up in cities.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm a hugger but another person's body language is pretty clear. If she's not respecting this, I'd politely tell her that you enjoy seeing her but that you're not a hugging type of person - it makes you uncomfortable no matter how well you know the person. I wouldn't be offended if someone said this, but I'd definitely respect it.

 

I know someone said something to me once. Wish I could remember what it was. I wasn't offended at all and this other woman shouldn't either.

[Danestress]

I think it just feels intimate.

 

I thinking forcing physical intimacy on someone who doesn't want it is always awkward, and I think that one just reaches and age when one decides that feeling obliged to be more physically intimate than one is comfortable with is not healthy. That's everything I want my children NOT to do. Why should I do it? I'm not saying that I want them not to hug - I just want them to have the strength to not do things that make them uncomfortable just to avoid hurting someone.

 

I don't kiss men to avoid hurting their feelings. Why should I hug a woman if it makes me feel icky?

[laurad1125]

:glare: :confused:

I guess you'll have to pull her aside at next week's lesson, and say, "Susie, I do appreciate your warm and friendly greetings/leave-takings, but I'm just not a touchy-feely person, and really only feel comfortable hugging members of my family. It may seem weird to you, but I promise I like you, and it's nothing personal. I just don't want you to hug me anymore. But I'd love a handshake!"

 

 

I've had some luck with the above. For me, adding a bit of "haha I know I'm strange" made it easier on us both. But people have respected it.

[Ibbygirl]

I was going to suggest you tell her you have sensory issues and hugging is unpleasant for you.

 

:iagree::iagree: I would just be honest with her and tell her that you don't like hugs. If she gets bent out of shape over it then that is her choice. There is no reason you should have to hug someone if you don't want to. Just my 2 cents.

[stripe]

I'm a huggy, touchy person. However, I *don't* hug or like hugging people *I don't really know*. I think it feels fake. If it's a comforting gesture because I'm upset, I can understand that. If someone *insists* on doing it upon each and every meeting and good-bye? And this person doesn't really know me? It's weird. I think a kiss on the cheek is less weird and intimate than a hug...maybe it's just more common in our circles? This may feel different to people who grew up in one small town v. people who have moved around a lot and/or grew up in cities.

I agree. Give me a kiss from a stranger anytime! Er.

 

There's something more physical about a big bear hug than a peck on the cheek. You may get a better feeling for someone's breast size, or, in the case of men, well, you get the drift. A peck on the cheek (or two, or three), especially if air kisses, is just less intimate and yet more...fun somehow. Less BO, perhaps.

 

What about those people who want to change the world by hugging strangers?

[kathkath]

how about a cricket toy? They're something like $5. Squeeze it when she hugs. Do it every time. Sooner or later she'll catch the drift. You can't tell where the cricket sound comes from when it chirps lol.

 

http://www.thecrickettoy.com/intro.php

[stripe]

Or a whoopie cushion, where you could tell where it was coming from...

[bookfiend]

This phrase works for me in a slew of situations. Say it in a very kind, but quite firm tone while looking her straight in the eye.

 

"I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable (fill in the blank)." Repeat as necessary.

 

She will no doubt, push back with her hugging philosophy. To which you respond with Version Two of the above:

 

"Yes, I understand; nonetheless, I'm simply not comfortable with ...."

 

If you are hit with another round of objections, the final phrase is:

 

"I can see that you feel strongly about this, but I'm certain that you can respect how I feel as well. This isn't a reflection on you personally."

 

Works 99% of the time, and the best part is you don't have to give an explanation or justification for your preference.

[elise1mds]

I love the responses. Some of them crack me up. Thankfully I have never had people like that who feel the need to hug all the time (except for some of the older church ladies, but they do it because they honestly DO love you, and I can manage to avoid them - not so much when it's three parents at an archery class). I do not hug because I was not brought up in a touchy-feely family, and it just makes me VERY uncomfortable. Could I go outside my boundaries? Yes, and I sometimes do, when a friend gives me a good gift or is having a rough time. But a weekly archery class is not therapy, and I would feel no need to accommodate this woman and her fetish.

 

And if it takes repeating yourself ad nauseum as she walks toward you, arms extended, and you're backing in circles around the room... well... so be it! :D

[Parrothead]

I would feel no need to accommodate this woman and her fetish.

 

 

That is what this sounds like to me. I grew up in the south and hugging for greeting or leave taking is common. But not for casual acquaintances. What the OP has described just sounds like this lady is some kind of weird strange person or someone with a fetish.

[Desert Rat]

First let me say that I think people should respect boundaries. While shaking hands is a common greeting, if I felt that someone objected I certainly wouldn't insist. I would think it was odd, but I wouldn't insist.

 

I'm not one to go around initiating hugs, either. But if someone wanted to give me one, I wouldn't object. Can I ask what you object to? I guess if someone wanted to hug me hello and good-bye, I'd just realize that she was different from me and meant well. I can't imagine confronting someone and risk making them feel badly when they were, in their mind, trying to show kindness. Isn't this an area where we can get outside our comfort zone and accept this gesture?

 

She has met me on three seperate occasions and introduces herself and comes in for a hug and says at the same time, "Sorry, I'm a hugger." She has yet to remember my name so really she's not sincere at all. It's rather creepy.

 

In certain situations, Lisa, I have no problem with hugs. My mother's friends for instance or a high school acquaintance. These are situations when I normally wouldn't hug someone and will accept one. But in this case? This lady doesn't know me. She doesn't bother to try to remember my name. And she's pushy about her hugs.

[Lisa R.]

That is what this sounds like to me. I grew up in the south and hugging for greeting or leave taking is common. But not for casual acquaintances. What the OP has described just sounds like this lady is some kind of weird strange person or someone with a fetish.

 

The OP said that these hugs gave her an icky feeling. While she said she was uncomfortable, she did not confront or ask this person to stop. (At least this is the way I understood her post.) She's trying to "tell" the hugging lady with her body language. There's no way for us to know if the OP is being too subtle or if this lady is being completely clueless.

 

I've witnessed many causal acquaintances hugging. I don't think it's that unusual.

[Desert Rat]

This has touched off a nice debate. I'm glad! Thanks for all the responses, funny and heart felt. I've got ammo next time I take the kids to archery. I'll let y'all know how it goes! :)

[Parrothead]

The OP said that these hugs gave her an icky feeling. While she said she was uncomfortable, she did not confront or ask this person to stop. (At least this is the way I understood her post.) She's trying to "tell" the hugging lady with her body language. There's no way for us to know if the OP is being too subtle or if this lady is being completely clueless.

 

I've witnessed many causal acquaintances hugging. I don't think it's that unusual.

I'm not following you here.

 

This lady doesn't know me. She doesn't bother to try to remember my name. And she's pushy about her hugs.

This is what I mean. The lady does not know the OP yet insists on hugging the OP and it sounds like every adult at the class. That is weird. That is not an appropriate way to say hi. I spent the better part of 20 years in a culture that accepts casual hugging, and I find the description the OP gave as strange.

[Barb_]

Isn't this an area where we can get outside our comfort zone and accept this gesture?

 

No. Just no.

 

I can tell this is going to be like shoes or no shoes.

 

:D

[OnTheBrink]

I'm not a huge touchy person; I don't mind hugs, when appropriate, but definitely not in the situation you're in.

 

I'd put my hands up and say, "I'm sorry, I do not wish to be hugged." When she insists, say, "I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear; I do not wish to be hugged." If she comes at you, keep your hands at the level of your neck/chest and stiffen up. Look her right in the eye and say, "I think we're having a communication problem. I. Do. Not. Wish. To. Be. Hugged." Surely by then she'll get the point. If not, tell her you'll charge her with assault and battery, because you've made it clear to her that you don't want her to touch you and if she forces it, you have no other choice but to interpret her actions as intent to harm.

 

Extreme? Yeah. But obviously this woman isn't responding to normal methods of communication, so you may have to get extreme.

[Ibbygirl]

No. Just no.

 

I can tell this is going to be like shoes or no shoes.

 

:D

 

:lol::lol::lol: no shoes! Of course! ;) :D

[Barb_]

:lol::lol::lol: no shoes! Of course! ;) :D

 

Unless you have really ugly feet, like mine. Then people beg you to put your shoes back on.

 

Barb

[Ibbygirl]

Unless you have really ugly feet, like mine. Then people beg you to put your shoes back on.

 

Barb

 

hahahahahaha You and your ugly feet would be welcome in my home. :grouphug: ;) hehe

[Barb_]

hahahahahaha You and your ugly feet would be welcome in my home. :grouphug: ;) hehe

 

Okay, I'll give you a call next time I'm in town :D My Ecuadorian husband and your crazy Dominican can hang out.

 

Barb

[Ibbygirl]

Okay, I'll give you a call next time I'm in town :D My Ecuadorian husband and your crazy Dominican can hang out.

 

Barb

 

Cool!! I'll cook! :) We can compare feet and see who's toes are nastiest! :lol::lol::lol: I have a feeling my husband will win! hehehehe

[stripe]

Inspired by the scene with the insurance agent in "Groundhog Day" -- maybe you need to really hug back.

 

Or perhaps

She has met me on three seperate occasions and introduces herself and comes in for a hug and says at the same time, "Sorry, I'm a hugger."

To which you could respond, "Sorry, I'm a bum-pincher!" and go for it? Hmm.

She has yet to remember my name so really she's not sincere at all. It's rather creepy.

Or just laugh and say, "Not until you remember my name!"

Edited March 18, 2010 by stripe

[elegantlion]

This phrase works for me in a slew of situations. Say it in a very kind, but quite firm tone while looking her straight in the eye.

 

"I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable (fill in the blank)." Repeat as necessary.

 

She will no doubt, push back with her hugging philosophy. To which you respond with Version Two of the above:

 

"Yes, I understand; nonetheless, I'm simply not comfortable with ...."

 

If you are hit with another round of objections, the final phrase is:

 

"I can see that you feel strongly about this, but I'm certain that you can respect how I feel as well. This isn't a reflection on you personally."

 

Works 99% of the time, and the best part is you don't have to give an explanation or justification for your preference.

 

:iagree: I'm a hugger, but I don't hug just anyone, especially if I can't remember your name. Sheesh. IMO Huggers should be good at reading body language, doesn't sound like she is, so she will need to be told outright.

 

I'd feign a cold for a few weeks to avoid her embrace. :lol:

[KidsHappen]

how about a cricket toy? They're something like $5. Squeeze it when she hugs. Do it every time. Sooner or later she'll catch the drift. You can't tell where the cricket sound comes from when it chirps lol.

 

http://www.thecrickettoy.com/intro.php

 

The person who made this toy lives in my neighborhood, just few doors down from my house. There is a place in hubby's play where there are crickets to indicate an akward silence. They sell the toys at the play and of course all of my kids had to have them. Now I get seranaded by crickets on a regular basis. I can only hope that they are cheap toys that will die quickly. You should be the guy's car. It is a PT cruiser painted to look like a cricket. Oh and by the way, the poor boy does not know the difference between a cricket and a grasshopper. :001_huh:

[Denisemomof4]

Ask her if she's making a pass at you, tell her you're straight, and married anyhow.

 

Scream "No Touchy, No Touchy" at the top of your voice.

 

Wear heels. Stomp her.

 

Let her hug you then yell "Pervert!" and slap her hard.

 

Or like RC said. Put your hand up in her face and firmly command "Stop, sit, stay". Then praise her and hand her a doggy treat.

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

I *double dare* you to do this!!!!! :D:D

[*********]

I'm another non-hugger. :D

 

I did not grow up in a touchy-feely home, and hugs just don't come natural to me. My dh's family, however, always hugs everyone when they arrive, and when they leave. We've been married 8 1/2 years, and I *still* am not completely comfortable with it. Lots of times, when we're leaving, I make myself very busy with the children, or carry lots of stuff, so I have a 'reason' not to hug. :blush: I'ver really tried to work on it, since I know they do it out of love. But it still doesn't really come natural to me. I mean, except for my dh and my kids; I guess I just have to feel really, REALLY close to someone to want to hug them.

 

Also, I do not hug men other than my dh. Well, most men; I mean my fil, dh's stepdad, my dad, and grandfathers I'm ok with. But pretty much any other man, nope. Even my bil's who are my age. No thanks. I'm just not comfortable with the, um, physical closeness of a hug with other men. I'm very modest that way. Plus, I had a good brother in the Lord tell me how he felt it was just inappropriate for him to hug women. That sort of cemented it for me. :tongue_smilie:

 

If some lady I barely knew was trying to hug me, I may very well tell her 'I'm sorry, I'm not a big 'hugger'. Nothing personal; I just don't hug people outside of my family.' Every time she tried, I'd say the same thing again. She'll either get it eventually, or she won't; either way, she's NOT hugging me. :001_smile: