lincap Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 My brother is getting married in October. His fiance picked her five bridesmaids immediatly after engagement last July. My sister and I were not asked to be in the wedding. My sister got angry and demanded that myself and her be in the wedding last week. So after a big fight my brother and fiance say FINE we can be in this wedding. The problem: I don't want to be in the wedding. I am 35 weeks pregnant, the dress needs to be ordered no later than 4 weeks from right now. Plus it HAS to be ordered measured etc in a place 3 hours from me. I have been dealing with pre-term labor, I cannot drive 3 hours for a dress measurement, they will NOT take a phone order and i cannot just say give me a size 8 and hope to be an 8 by the time the wedding comes. The maid of honor wants a minimum of $200 for the bridal shower. Plus extra money for a group shower gift, group honeymoon gift, group wedding gift, we all need to have matching shoes (thye like some $150 pair... yikes), matching manicures, pedicures, hair, makeup. $$$$ YIKES! Plus the Bachelorette party. OMG I am embarrassed for what they want to do.. shocked, I think it is inappropriate and going to be very expensive. I will have 3 kids by the time Oct comes and I don't think I can participate financially and won't go to the bach party. I wish my sister never said anything. I was happy not to be involved in the wedding. Is it ok to talk to my brother and his soon to be wife, and say that the cost is too much? I will be MORE than glad to do a reading at the wedding to participate plus both my boys are ring bearers. Is that tacky/wrong to ask to not be a bridesmaid??? Should I suck it up and just be in it? I asked my sister and she said I am rude and antisocial for not wanting to be in the wedding. I don't mind being in a wedding but cannot do all those extra things.. sigh.. Any words of wisdom? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Yes, it's completely fine. Be gracious and say thank you so much for including you, but given the pregnancy issues etc., you will have to bow out, sadly. Pretend the whole fight never happened. Your pregnancy really gives you the perfect excuse (though I'm sorry you're having PTL! :grouphug:). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I think your sister was rude to demand to be in the wedding. I think I would go to your brother and fiance and explain that you would love to participate in this wonderful day for them, but ask if you could help behind the scenes or in another capacity. Explain that you were not on the same page as your sister and that you don't think you will be able to uphold all the responsibilities a good bridesmaid would have. Be very honest and gentle about it. I would be very uncomfortable thinking that I was not wanted as bridesmaid but had pushed my way in. I would always worry about what others were thinking and saying. But I have approval addiction. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktkcb Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 If I'm right in thinking you didn't really involve yourself in your sister's nastiness/demanding-ness, then I don't see why you couldn't just call your brother and graciously bow out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 My brother is getting married in October. His fiance picked her five bridesmaids immediatly after engagement last July. My sister and I were not asked to be in the wedding. My sister got angry and demanded that myself and her be in the wedding last week. So after a big fight my brother and fiance say FINE we can be in this wedding. Considering that part, I think you are perfectly justified to back out. And then pile on all the rest of the very legitimate reasons you listed, I think you are good to go. I would suggest calling your brother and saying thanks, but you were fine not being a part of the wedding party in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I would speak privately to your brother about it. Let him know how you feel and ask to be "excused" from being a bridesmaid. Your sister was wrong (in my opinion) to force them to have the two of you as bridesmaid and is wrong to say what she did about you. I certainly wouldn't be a bridesmaid under all those circumstances. And a big :grouphug: to you for having to go through all that drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Your pregnancy and impending delivery alone excuses you. You don't have to give any other reasons. I wouldn't bring up the other reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Well, I don't know what Miss Manners would say or anything, but given what you've shared here, if it were *me, there's no way I'd be in the wedding. And I wouldn't call my brother and 'ask to be excused', like a pp said (no offense, pp; that's more polite than my answer is gonna be :tongue_smilie:). I'd call my brother and tell him that I am not able to be in the wedding. Period. I'd pick one or two of the reasons that you shared here. Like, oh, I dunno, say giving birth ONE WEEK before you have to have the dress ordered?! Be kind, be polite, offer to be involved in some other way if you want. But if you really don't want to be a bridesmaid, be firm, and TELL him you can't; don't ask him for permission not to, or ask him if he 'wants' to let you off the hook. Thinking from the pov of the bride and groom here; I wouldn't want someone to feel forced to stand up in my wedding. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be about, you know? Good luck. Families sure can be fun, can't they. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I think your sister has crossed more than one line here. It was rude of her to demand to be a part of the wedding. While it is nice to include the groom's sisters it is not necessary or required for them to be bridesmaids. The choice of bridesmaids is for the BRIDE, not anyone else. Your sister is also rude to tell you not to be in the wedding and to place judgments on that decision. Your issues are valid. Can you go to your brother and his fiancee and just tell them that your sister does not speak for you, that you feel awkward about the whole thing, that you love them and want to celebrate with them, but cannot do the bridesmaid role for all the totally valid reasons you have listed here? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 It is absolutely okay to decline to be a bridesmaid. No explanation needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Yes, it's completely fine. Be gracious and say thank you so much for including you, but given the pregnancy issues etc., you will have to bow out, sadly. Pretend the whole fight never happened. Your pregnancy really gives you the perfect excuse (though I'm sorry you're having PTL! :grouphug:). :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Your pregnancy and impending delivery alone excuses you. You don't have to give any other reasons. I wouldn't bring up the other reasons. I agree. I wouldn't mention the sister's cattiness or the financial aspect (they might feel compelled to help with it if it's a financial issue). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Agreeing with others here: you have every right to decline. Have a heart to heart with your brother (and soon to be s-i-l if you feel close enough to her) and I'm sure they will understand. Your pregnancy circumstances alone are sufficient reason, I wouldn't bring up the money stuff personally. (But that's just me.) Your sister, on the other hand, had no right to demand to be a bridesmaid and certainly had no right to speak for you without your consent. She will have the chance to choose bridesmaids when it's her wedding, but she doesn't get to choose bridesmaids for other people's weddings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 My brother is getting married in October. His fiance picked her five bridesmaids immediatly after engagement last July. My sister and I were not asked to be in the wedding. My sister got angry and demanded that myself and her be in the wedding last week. So after a big fight my brother and fiance say FINE we can be in this wedding. The problem: I don't want to be in the wedding. I am 35 weeks pregnant, the dress needs to be ordered no later than 4 weeks from right now. Plus it HAS to be ordered measured etc in a place 3 hours from me. I have been dealing with pre-term labor, I cannot drive 3 hours for a dress measurement, they will NOT take a phone order and i cannot just say give me a size 8 and hope to be an 8 by the time the wedding comes. The maid of honor wants a minimum of $200 for the bridal shower. Plus extra money for a group shower gift, group honeymoon gift, group wedding gift, we all need to have matching shoes (thye like some $150 pair... yikes), matching manicures, pedicures, hair, makeup. $$$$ YIKES! Plus the Bachelorette party. OMG I am embarrassed for what they want to do.. shocked, I think it is inappropriate and going to be very expensive. I will have 3 kids by the time Oct comes and I don't think I can participate financially and won't go to the bach party. I wish my sister never said anything. I was happy not to be involved in the wedding. Is it ok to talk to my brother and his soon to be wife, and say that the cost is too much? I will be MORE than glad to do a reading at the wedding to participate plus both my boys are ring bearers. Is that tacky/wrong to ask to not be a bridesmaid??? Should I suck it up and just be in it? I asked my sister and she said I am rude and antisocial for not wanting to be in the wedding. I don't mind being in a wedding but cannot do all those extra things.. sigh.. Any words of wisdom? They didn't want you. They relented because of your sister. If they don't want you and you don't want you, seems like you have an agreement. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 From what you are saying here, I almost think your soon to be SIL will be relieved. I think it will be fine to just say you are unable to do it right now. Personally I'd bow out and let brother know you weren't informed of the demand until after the fact. There's no sense in starting off on the wrong foot with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 The maid of honor wants a minimum of $200 for the bridal shower. Plus extra money for a group shower gift, group honeymoon gift, group wedding gift, we all need to have matching shoes (thye like some $150 pair... yikes), matching manicures, pedicures, hair, makeup. $$$$ YIKES! Plus the Bachelorette party. OMG I am embarrassed for what they want to do.. shocked, I think it is inappropriate and going to be very expensive. :eek::eek::eek::eek: that is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY out of control! I just can't believe how tacky that is!!!!! No matter how much money I had, I would NOT agree to the above. You're 35 weeks pregnant and don't want to be in the wedding for good reasons. You have every right to bow out gracefully. I'd thank them for including you but tell them that you're very sorry but for obvious reasons (pregnancy, preterm labor) you can not be a bridesmaid. Wow. I just can't believe the MOH and bride expect everyone to go to such an expense! That's just SO WRONG. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Is it ok to talk to my brother and his soon to be wife, and say that the cost is too much? I will be MORE than glad to do a reading at the wedding to participate plus both my boys are ring bearers. Is that tacky/wrong to ask to not be a bridesmaid??? Should I suck it up and just be in it? I asked my sister and she said I am rude and antisocial for not wanting to be in the wedding. I don't mind being in a wedding but cannot do all those extra things.. sigh.. Any words of wisdom? oh, I missed the cost part. No, I do NOT think it's rude to tell them that you're having your third child and you cannot take on that expense. My opinion about your sister is that she was rude when she demanded being a part of the wedding party, and even RUDER to have you involved in that!!! She is actually the one who put you in this predicament! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I asked my sister and she said I am rude and antisocial for not wanting to be in the wedding. Any words of wisdom? :eek: Seriously?? I think it was very rude of your sister to demand to be in the wedding in the first place!! I don't think I'd take manners advice from her at all. If your sons are ring bearers then you will probably have to get them tuxes which will cost you 2 tux rentals. I think it is totally fine given your new baby, expenses, traveling, etc. to ask to be out of the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I wouldn't want someone to feel forced to stand up in my wedding. That's not what a wedding is supposed to be about, you know? I was. My 28yo brother was having wedding #2. I was 30. I wasn't asked to be one of the 12 bridesmaids or do anything in wedding #1 (which was fine with me, I'd never met her, hadn't seen him in a few years and we all lived in different places around the country). Wedding #2 roles around. I'm living 10 minutes from my brother, still never really see him. Don't know her. However soon to be wife #2 knows I wasn't in wedding #1 because she was there, and here sister was one of the 12 bridesmaids in wedding #1. I tell my mother in no uncertain terms, IT IS NOT NECESSARY FOR ME TO BE IN THE WEDDING! I don't want to and they don't need to feel like I have to just because I'm related to him. My mother throws a big hissie fit and basically tells me when she asks, I better say "oh yes there is nothing I'd love more!" I tried to get out of it, but it was always through my mother, never really saw the bride. (I wasn't even ever invited to any of the wedding showers.) In the end the tension of that just added to a bunch of already not great stuff, and the weekend before their wedding my brother was acting like a major ass, we got into a major fight, and my husband said screw it, we just aren't going to go! So we cancelled our hotel reservations and had a nice long weekend at home. In the end it would have been better to tell her I didn't want to be a bridesmaid (truely, that had so little to do with why we didn't go to the wedding. I was willing to suffer through, I was mad at my mother, not her. We really stayed home due to my brother being an idiot.) but my mom made it out like it was some huge thing to this girl (who didn't even know me). When my SIL talked about it later she was pissed my mom pushed me into it. I think she was only asking me because she felt like she had to because I'm related to my brother (but we don't really have a relationship) and that's the proper souther thing to do. So yes, drop out know. They'll be happier. You'll be happier. If you don't you'll be resentful of all the time and money. And when you sister starts complaining to you about how much all that craziness is going to cost her, remind her she was the one that opened her big mouth in the first place! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I think you can politely bow out, your pregnancy and new baby demands are reason enough. don't mention the money part of it at all..it will just aggravate them more, they are already on the defensive with your sister, and they might think you are hinting that they should pay your way. thank them for thinking of you, but say you cannot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Your issues are valid. Can you go to your brother and his fiancee and just tell them that your sister does not speak for you, that you feel awkward about the whole thing, that you love them and want to celebrate with them, but cannot do the bridesmaid role for all the totally valid reasons you have listed here? :thumbup1::thumbup1::thumbup1: I like this very much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolally Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Yes, it's completely fine. Be gracious and say thank you so much for including you, but given the pregnancy issues etc., you will have to bow out, sadly. Pretend the whole fight never happened. Your pregnancy really gives you the perfect excuse (though I'm sorry you're having PTL! :grouphug:). :iagree: Absolutely!!!!!! When you're pregnant, there is nothing wrong with putting your needs (baby is counting on you!)first in a situation like this. Not to mention the expense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. I think I'd be finding an excuse even if I wasn't pregnant with PTL issues! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I think your sister has crossed more than one line here. It was rude of her to demand to be a part of the wedding. While it is nice to include the groom's sisters it is not necessary or required for them to be bridesmaids. The choice of bridesmaids is for the BRIDE, not anyone else. Your sister is also rude to tell you not to be in the wedding and to place judgments on that decision. Your issues are valid. Can you go to your brother and his fiancee and just tell them that your sister does not speak for you, that you feel awkward about the whole thing, that you love them and want to celebrate with them, but cannot do the bridesmaid role for all the totally valid reasons you have listed here? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 They didn't want you. They relented because of your sister. If they don't want you and you don't want you, seems like you have an agreement. ;) :iagree: And I can't say I'd take advice on what is rude from your sister. She was WAY out of line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lincap Posted February 1, 2010 Author Share Posted February 1, 2010 I feel so much better. I feel horrible and would want to be in it for my brother, but not all that extra stuff. I am going to let a few days go by and talk with my brother and bow out as gracefully as I can. Thanks for not thinking I am crazy for not wanting to be in it.. my sister and mom think I am nutso.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I would just use the pregnancy excuse. I would not tell your brother and his fiance that you thought your sister was out of line. You do not want to fan the flames or get yourself somehow on the bad side of anyone involved. Pregnany and a new baby are excuse enough and if someone takes offense at that, you can't please them anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 My own sister declined to be my maid of honor. While she regrets that decision now, it was her decision to make. It never came between us, & in no way was an indication of the state of our relationship. When she got married, I was her matron of honor, but I was out of town w/ 2 dc, & she knew I wasn't going to participate in all of the things that had been planned. She kept me on the lists as things were discussed, but we both had a pretty good feel for what I would/could be involved in. As far as sisters of the groom go, I really do believe that they should be invited to be in the wedding party as bridesmaids, but more & more, I've found that I'm in the minority on that point. To me, it represents a blending of families, & for a bride to choose her friends as attendants *over* her future sils seems wrong. But like I said, I'm in the minority on this point, at least with regard to weddings I've been to in the last few yrs. No one even seems ruffled by it, so I've really tried to quit being offended on behalf of the sisters-of-grooms. :lol: And, come to think of it, my sis & I weren't asked to be in bro's wedding. I think he & sil had one attendant ea, but I can't remember for the life of me who they were. Their wedding was kind-of awkward, though, for...a lot of other reasons. All of this to say, while I sympathize w/ your's sis's feelings, I think it's a TERRIBLE idea to voice them...really, to anybody. :grouphug: Oh, & when it comes to the role of attendants, I think it's helpful to remember that serving in such a capacity is a *favor* to the bride & groom. Which means that it's always ok to say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I think you can politely bow out, your pregnancy and new baby demands are reason enough. don't mention the money part of it at all..it will just aggravate them more, they are already on the defensive with your sister, and they might think you are hinting that they should pay your way. thank them for thinking of you, but say you cannot. :iagree: Definitely don't mention money! I would not mention your sister either, there is no need to exacerbate that problem. Just pretend you don't know about that whole debacle and graciously let them know you that you appreciate the sentiment, but you cannot participate right now due to the baby and you would be honored to help out in a smaller way or just happy to attend if there is nothing they need in that area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Any words of wisdom? Your sister is rude. She was rude to demand, she is rude to call you antisocial. I would politely speak to brother and say you are sorry this is going on, and to please count you out. Smile. Ignore sister. :grouphug: around that nice round belly of yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnitaMcC Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 I would talk to your brother and tell him the truth... be honest about how you feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 I would just mention that being pregnant and having a newborn by the time the wedding takes place would not make you a good candidate for a bridesmaid. I'd leave out the financial part since "expensive" is often a subjective issue and you would not want her to get the impression that you think her wedding is not worth the expense. Since you mentioned a bachelorette party that is not to your taste, the pregnancy again works in your favor...oh and if anyone says:"But you wanted to be there...", just say, :"No honey, sister wanted to be in the wedding. I was always more comfortable sitting in a seat watching." :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 I am going to let a few days go by and talk with my brother and bow out as gracefully as I can. I wouldn't wait too long. They are having to find groomsmen to escort each of you. If you wait too long to back out, and they ask another guy friend to be in the wedding, it will be that much more awkward to back out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 I would call your brother, explain to him that you didn't realize your sister had asked for you to be included, and say that while you appreciate the invitation, your pregnancy precludes you from accepting. I would not mention the financial issues at all. I understand why other posters would say not to mention your sister, but the reason I think you should (very gently) mention that you were not aware of her request, is that if you just decline without mentioning it, then they may think you were in on the original demand, then changed your mind after they went to the trouble of including you. And that's also why I wouldn't mention money ~ they may wrongly assume that you were demanding to be included, and now you're complaining that it's too expensive! If you let them know that you never expected to be included, that you are fine with that (in fact, it's your preference given your pregnancy), but you would be happy to help if there's anything they need, I think you're soon-to-be-SIL will be relieved and appreciative. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 I wouldn't wait too long. They are having to find groomsmen to escort each of you. If you wait too long to back out, and they ask another guy friend to be in the wedding, it will be that much more awkward to back out. Good point!!! Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Your sister sounds like a controlling arse. You don't need to feel that you have to be in the wedding. After all, the two people getting married only asked you because of your arse of a sister. You are having a baby! Relax and enjoy. Leave the drama to the drama queens. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Is that tacky/wrong to ask to not be a bridesmaid??? No, it's tacky and wrong to demand to be included in a wedding. It's tacky and wrong to forcibly include someone else in the demand against her will. It's tacky and wrong to try to manipulate the "someone else" into doubting her own good sense by attacking her with silly names. The question I have for you is, why does your sister have this much power over you? It's perfectly obvious that you have every reason not to be a bridesmaid, and that bowing out is the most sensible option. But you're afraid to work it out with your own brother because your sister called you antisocial? Sweetie, she doesn't think you're antisocial. If you bow out, your sister will have no one left to provide her with cover for her self-centered drama. My own sister acted a little bit like this when I got married. I had chosen someone else to be my matron of honor, and she wouldn't settle for being a mere bridesmaid. It was all or nothing. Given the fact that my sister tried to talk me out of getting married in the first place, I didn't think she'd be a good fit for matron of honor. So she got nothing. I was almost as surprised as she was. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Sweetie, she doesn't think you're antisocial. If you bow out, your sister will have no one left to provide her with cover for her self-centered drama. Bingo! By including both of you in her demand, she could make it seem as if the issue was "including the groom's sisters," rather than being all about her. The only reason she's trying to manipulate you into participating ~ knowing full well that you're pregnant, you don't want to do it, and you can't afford it ~ is so that she will not be exposed for self-centered person she is. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 (edited) I think it is a kind gesture to offer the role of the bridesmaids to any future SIL... I did the same with my soon to be SIL and barely knew her. I also had my sister, cousin, and friend as bridesmaid. It worked out great. My cousin was my maid of honor as she was my BFF. I find the bride's allowing of this to escalate to an argument is wrong for her and her SIL -- putting bro in the middle. Rude. Most likely this will be the "vibe" with your hen-pecked bro if he allows his soon to be wife to treat his family like this. Be the better person and pass the bean dip. Say thanks, but no thanks. (The $$$ involved for being a bridesmaid is NUTS, IMO.) Time will show everyone her true colors if she will ignore her hubby's family. And if your sis is a drama queen... well, most likely everyone prob already knows this by now? SIL will realize you are a delight. :) Edited February 2, 2010 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 (edited) So, not to cause a brouhaha here, but aren't bridesmaids supposed to be single? They were back in my day. IMO, it is a serious breach of etiquette not to ask ones future SILs to be bridesmaids if the ladies are single, barring complications. Same goes for the men -- if the future BILs are single, then they should be asked to be groomsmen or ushers or whatever they are called now. If asked, one may politely decline. There is no need to give an explanation. Indeed, if anyone asks for one, they are being rude. Edited February 2, 2010 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 To be honest...I think it was pretty tacky of your sister to demand to the point of a fight to be in the wedding! Asking to be a part, fine, but fighting with the groom/bride about, not my idea of proper. Now...if you were a part of the argument, then yeah, you need to be in it even if it is expensive, but it sounds like you were the collateral damage part of this war, lol. So, I would call and tell them that you are honored that she asked you to be a bridesmaid (keeping your cool about it being a forced asking) but that given your pregnancy right now and the fact that the fittings have to be done while you're obviously a different size than you will be.....and that driving 3 hours to do this is probably not wise at this time.....you'd like to find another way to be a participant in their happy day. Frankly I'd use the pregnancy as the excuse instead of the $$.....since it sounds like bride didn't really want you there anyway, it will give them a nice way to accept your decline and you don't have to get into the whole "too expensive, inappropriate party" mess. I'm guessing that at this point the bride (and maybe your brother) are going to be quite sensitive to ANY critisicm from family after your sisters stunt. Then tell them the ideas you have for participating.....a reading sounds wonderful.....some weddings I have been to lately seem to also have select people stand up and tell a story about the couple, usually funny though not overly embarassing, often more of an extolling of their wonderfulness. Some have been wonderful, some a bit tacky, but it appears to be a new trend. Perhaps you could participate behind the scenes, making favors or centerpieces for the reception. My niece recently got married and I offered to handle the details of the reception....especially all the little things AT the actual reception. Typically that's either the bride herself or her mom that deals with it all, but it can also be rather stressful for them already and add any little problem with the caterer, hall, decorations, music, etc....well, it dampens their enjoyment of the big day. I'm a decent organizer so I did all the calling a couple weeks ahead to confirm everything, work out details about times for access to the hall, etc, stopped by the hall on the way to the wedding to be sure it was moving along in a timely fashion (something neither mom nor bride could possibly do, so it's left to chance and the little details aren't fixed until the guests are already there). Etc. etc. I hope that you can find a way to celebrate with your brother and his bride that honors them and works better for you! Congrats on the impending baby!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vkay Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 ...My sister got angry and demanded that myself and her be in the wedding last week. ......I asked my sister and she said I am rude and antisocial for not wanting to be in the wedding. ......Any words of wisdom? :blink: Oh my. My mouth just dropped open when I read that she got angry and demanded to be in the wedding, had a fit until they said yes, made you part of it, and then turned around to tell you that YOU are being rude?!?!?!?!?!?!? wow.....that's something. I don't think you have a problem really. You weren't "really* invited to be part of the wedding, so there wouldn't be any ill feelings if you decline. Even if they had asked you legitimately in the first place, you have a list of very good reasons for declining - nobody could fault you for that. Case closed. Now, your sister on the other hand....... She is going to have a hissy fit if you're not in it. Probably because it only makes her look foolish to have forced them to say you both can be in it and then it turn out to only be her. There's power in numbers and she used you to get what she wants. I'd be furious with her!! To top it off, she is seeing that you might not go along with her plan and now is verbally bullying you into it?!?!? Oh no no no, I'd put my foot down with her and make her stand on her own two feet. If SHE feels so inclined to be in the wedding, then that's between her and your brother. Leave you out of it. You know, if she does push you into it, make her put her money where her mouth is. She can pay all of those expenses for you! What to do about the dress???? I have no idea. This all makes me wonder if I offended my sil. It never occured to me to include her as a bridesmaid. ?????? oops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehogs4 Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 I asked my sister and she said I am rude and antisocial for not wanting to be in the wedding. I don't mind being in a wedding but cannot do all those extra things.. sigh.. Any words of wisdom? i thought it sounded rude of your sister to demand to be in the wedding. geez...it's the bride's choice, and i think your sister was way out of line. if she's offended, that's her problem. i think you should totally have a heart to heart with your future sil, disassociate yourself from your sister's wishes and demands, and tell her how you feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astrid Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 ....... But I have approval addiction. LOL OMG I LOVE this! My new self-diagnosis! astrid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astrid Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 ........And when you sister starts complaining to you about how much all that craziness is going to cost her, remind her she was the one that opened her big mouth in the first place! :iagree::iagree: And it will happen. Oh yes. It will. Think how much more comfortable you'll be in your own outfit and with comfortable shoes on your feet, not expensive dyeables! :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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