When is it rude and when is it curiousity?

[Tutor]

When is it wrong and when is it right for a child to ask a question about something which an adult may categorize as too personal or rude but is really just a matter of innocent curiosity for the child?

 

The thread about children asking about another child's family size is what brought this question to the front of my mind, but I have been pondering it for quite awhile.

 

When discussions about race, religion, disability, poverty, social issues, lifestyle differences, etc come up (often in the forms of disagreements or in the context of someone staring at, pointing at, or making comments about something/someone they apparently know little about), I have heard many people comment that they just wish people would ask them about their situation or perspective rather than speculate. However, these questions (if one is brave enough to ask them) can come across as rude or nosy - especially when asked by a child who has not mastered social graces.

 

I tend to assume that when a child asks me a question, that when asked by an adult I would often take as rude, it is purely innocent curiosity and answer their question to the best of my ability. However, I can see where someone if asked a similar question over and over again, would become tired of answering the same question repeatedly as it may bring up painful memories or force them to repeatedly confront their "otherness."

 

I have one child who is very inquisitive about other people... he wants to know how he can help everyone he meets. We once met a woman working at the local Salvation Army Store who was missing most of her teeth. My son (I think he was 6 at the time) leaned over to me and asked (in the loudest whisper possible) why the woman didn't have any teeth. The woman smiled and told my son that she did not take care of her teeth properly when she was younger, then she grew up and took drugs that harmed her teeth but she was poor and could not afford to see a dentist to fix them. By the time someone helped her get to the dentist, all he could do was pull most of her teeth out and give her false teeth. She found them uncomfortable, so she didn't wear them. My son told her he would pray for her to get better teeth, thanked her, and we left.

 

This same son, around the same time, noticed that one of the grandfathers of a soccer player on his sister's team was missing a leg. Every week he would ask me why the man only had one leg, and every week I told him that I didn't know. One week, he walked up to the man and asked him if he could ask him about his leg. The man did not hear him, so my son asked again. My son asked three times, and the man never even acknowledged my son's existence. My son came back to me very hurt and said, "He won't talk to me. I don't want to make fun of him. I just want to know him." I just hugged him and told him that maybe the memory of what happened was too painful and he just didn't want to share.

 

I think that we need to prepare our children that there are some issues that some people find too sensitive to discuss. But how do we balance that with teaching our children to really get to know people and care for them - which involves intimate and possibly painful questions? How else are we going to grow as a society made of people with mutual empathy and understanding if we don't talk to each other about those defining, sacred, personal things?

 

ETA: Sorry for the title typo, but I can't fix it, so I've just decided that I've invented a new spelling and will move on. :)

Edited December 8, 2009 by Tutor

[Barb_]

I think the answer is twofold. First would be, in what spirit is the question asked? Was the question respectful or does there seem to be some underlying snark or pushiness? Secondly, how well does the person on the receiving end tolerate personal questions? Generally, most questions don't bother me. I can take anything from family size to homeschooling to churchgoing (or lack thereof). Yet, a question I find perfectly acceptable might feel intrusive to a more private person. In general innocent questions from a very young child should be overlooked or tolerated, but as the child grows he should learn to draw a boundary between public and private, I think. It can be tricky asking intimate and painful questions of people with whom you have a close relationship. It's probably better to get to know someone on a superficial level before diving into subjects that may be painful to them.

 

Barb

[Amber in AUS]

To be perfectly honest I completely disagree with your promotion of curiosity in this instance. It is none of your business or your DS's business what happened to the ladies teeth or the mans leg and you should teach him that!

 

Everyone is different and we should be respectful and tolerant. If that person chooses to share with you their situation they are trusting that knowledge to you. Most people share if they want to, once they are your friend.

[Tutor]

Actually, I didn't promote his curiosity in the case with the woman. He was asking me but was whispering at 6yo volume and the woman overheard him (much to my embarrassment) and answered.

 

I wasn't sure how to handle the situation with the gentleman because my son had been asking me for a long time then one night approached the man on his own. He asked if he could ask, and the gentleman could have said, "No, I prefer not to talk about it." I felt like apologizing to the man for my son's questioning (pestering?) would have just exacerbated the problem.

 

I tend to be shy and not ask such questions. However, I have also heard many people say that if someone wants to learn about something to just ask, especially in the cases of racism and religion, but I also have an acquaintance who has said numerous times she wishes other kids/ parents would just ask why her son is acting oddly in the store rather than just point and whisper at her son with mental illness and make assumptions. I guess that's what prompted my question. One group is saying such questions are rude and another is saying that asking is the only way to learn. It seems a fine line to walk to know when to ask and when to ignore. I guess I am feeling like I am shushing a lot of questions from my children out of fear of their or my be perceived as rude, but at the same time I want my children to go to the primary source and ask a question rather than relying on speculation via secondary sources... including me.

 

What do you do with extroverted children who just ask whatever is on their minds? Do I grow a thicker skin and just accept that sometimes I or my children are going to offend someone but pray that we don't? Or do I continue to walk on eggshells and not ask questions and teach my children to be fearful to ask questions? (I have to admit this is what I feel I am doing, but it doesn't seem right.)

[Tutor]

Barb and Amber, thank you both for your responses. I really appreciate your taking the time to answer.

[Scarlett]

Actually, I didn't promote his curiosity in the case with the woman. He was asking me but was whispering at 6yo volume and the woman overheard him (much to my embarrassment) and answered.

 

I wasn't sure how to handle the situation with the gentleman because my son had been asking me for a long time then one night approached the man on his own. He asked if he could ask, and the gentleman could have said, "No, I prefer not to talk about it." I felt like apologizing to the man for my son's questioning (pestering?) would have just exacerbated the problem.

 

I tend to be shy and not ask such questions. However, I have also heard many people say that if someone wants to learn about something to just ask, especially in the cases of racism and religion, but I also have an acquaintance who has said numerous times she wishes other kids/ parents would just ask why her son is acting oddly in the store rather than just point and whisper at her son with mental illness and make assumptions. I guess that's what prompted my question. One group is saying such questions are rude and another is saying that asking is the only way to learn. It seems a fine line to walk to know when to ask and when to ignore. I guess I am feeling like I am shushing a lot of questions from my children out of fear of their or my be perceived as rude, but at the same time I want my children to go to the primary source and ask a question rather than relying on speculation via secondary sources... including me.

 

What do you do with extroverted children who just ask whatever is on their minds? Do I grow a thicker skin and just accept that sometimes I or my children are going to offend someone but pray that we don't? Or do I continue to walk on eggshells and not ask questions and teach my children to be fearful to ask questions? (I have to admit this is what I feel I am doing, but it doesn't seem right.)

 

I am right here with you! These boards have really opened my eyes to the fact that people have probably been calling me rude my entire life. Shrug. I guess they move on and aren't my friend or they shut me down enough to make me realize I've crossed a line with them.

 

I don't understand why so many things are so hush hush. As for children, what I've tried to teach my extrovert son is that he should not stare and ask questions about things that might draw unwanted attention to a person. However, I give him fair free reign in this area...I figure that he will learn there are questions that take people aback and stop asking those questions.

 

However, even now, I might not ask a woman why she has no teeth, but I certainly might start a conversation about religion or family size or whatever. If people don't want to discuss a topic---just tell me! I mean good grief!

[Scarlett]

It's probably better to get to know someone on a superficial level before diving into subjects that may be painful to them.Barb

 

Yes I do agree with this. And my mom has said this comes to children naturally....that they learn such social graces---under our guidance---in a natural way. Reading social cues.

[Coleroo]

I think probably up to age 10 it's curiosity. I remember embarrassing my mom many times with the questions I would ask people. I worked in daycare for many years as a teen, and the 3-7 year old bunch were the most notorious for popping out the personal questions - "Why do you have those bumps on your face?", "Why does your breath stink?", "Why are your teeth yellow?", "Have you kissed your boyfriend?" (said to me by a 4 year old), "Who do you live with, your mommy or daddy?" (question asked to me by a 5 year old little boy who apparently thought divorced parents were the norm). At that age it's nothing more than the desire to know about the world and the desire to connect with others.

 

It only becomes rude if the parent of the child never tries to guide the child into more appropriate social behavior. A 5 year old child asking why a severely handicapped man is drooling in his wheel chair is fine..... an 11 year old raising an eyebrow and loudly stating "what happened to him?" is another story. Each and every instance that a parent witnesses their child (no matter how young the child is) asking too-personal questions should be used as a teaching tool as to how to act, social boundaries, manners, etc.

 

My son just turned 19 months and I have been enforcing and stating aloud the simple rule of "you don't touch things that belong to other people- it's rude" for months now. I will begin teaching him in the same manner once he begins to talk and exhibit social curiosity. I have no expectations for him to be able to completely control himself until years from now - but I will do my part in guiding him in the social graces and repeating those directives over and over.

 

In turn, I've always formed more of an opinion towards the parent than the child. How a young child acts reflects heavily on the parenting. The only time "rude" comes to my mind when asked a question by a little child is if the parent doesn't acknowledge what has just happened (if they were in earshot). Then I simply think the parent is rude, and answer the sweet curious child as politely as I can.

[Coleroo]

I tend to be shy and not ask such questions. However, I have also heard many people say that if someone wants to learn about something to just ask, especially in the cases of racism and religion, but I also have an acquaintance who has said numerous times she wishes other kids/ parents would just ask why her son is acting oddly in the store rather than just point and whisper at her son with mental illness and make assumptions. I guess that's what prompted my question. One group is saying such questions are rude and another is saying that asking is the only way to learn. It seems a fine line to walk to know when to ask and when to ignore. I guess I am feeling like I am shushing a lot of questions from my children out of fear of their or my be perceived as rude, but at the same time I want my children to go to the primary source and ask a question rather than relying on speculation via secondary sources... including me.

 

What do you do with extroverted children who just ask whatever is on their minds? Do I grow a thicker skin and just accept that sometimes I or my children are going to offend someone but pray that we don't? Or do I continue to walk on eggshells and not ask questions and teach my children to be fearful to ask questions? (I have to admit this is what I feel I am doing, but it doesn't seem right.)

 

 

My mom's sister's son has severe cerebral pausy - he needs a wheelchair in public and has the motor skills & cognitive skills of a late developing 12 month old. He was born in 1979...3 years before I was. I've heard my aunt state on many occasions how she would prefer someone to ask rather than just stare at him - and have personally witnessed many times when she (with obviously relief) answered a nearby young kid's questions about my cousin. The staring and making fun of him is what none of us can tolerate - that's why the questions are welcome as it says something more positive about the person than staring does!

 

Then again, there is a fine line between what you should and should not ask. I'm about as easy going as they come, but even I can think of a few questions that I would NOT want to be asked publicly by a (loud) curious child! One thing that might help - be sure to teach your children that even if they do want to ask a personal question, it should be done OUT of earshot from others. An adult who is by himself may answer far more pleasantly than an adult who has other adults in earshot. For instance, it didn't bother me in daycare when the kids would ask why my breath stunk (did happen a few times!) or why I had bumps on my face (zits) - but I would have been absolutely and horrifically mortified if they would have asked in front of one of my peers at the time....especially if it was a cute opposite sex peer! haha :) Nowadays I would not like if I was asked loudly in public by a child why I have grey hairs (I'm 26). Sometimes it's easier to answer personal questions children ask, but it's not necessarily something we want other adults hearing us answer as it may be extremely embarrassing in regards to other relationships in that persons life. If that makes sense....

Edited December 8, 2009 by Coleroo

[Amber in AUS]

The staring and making fun of him is what none of us can tolerate - that's why the questions are welcome as it says something more positive about the person than staring does!

 

More bad parenting IMO. If you teach your children respect and tolerance from the getgo you wont have this problem, society is seriously lacking! I have the super inquisitive, outgoing, loud DD but she knows not to stare or ask questions of strangers, even disabled ones, it is just rude!

 

I have actually said to complete stranger children, "How rude, don't your parents teach you any manners" they quickly run back to their parents. I wont be put on the spot by people i don't know, nor will i accept them intimidating my children with their rude questioning.

 

Your, or your child's world isn't going to fall apart because you don't know why someone is the way they are. Who cares what they look like, where they live, how much money they have or how many children in their family! It isn't your business unless they volunteer the information.

 

And yes, it is like a red rag to a bull for me ;)

[Melissa in Australia]

More bad parenting IMO. If you teach your children respect and tolerance from the getgo you wont have this problem, society is seriously lacking! I have the super inquisitive, outgoing, loud DD but she knows not to stare or ask questions of strangers, even disabled ones, it is just rude!

 

I have actually said to complete stranger children, "How rude, don't your parents teach you any manners" they quickly run back to their parents. I wont be put on the spot by people i don't know, nor will i accept them intimidating my children with their rude questioning.

 

Your, or your child's world isn't going to fall apart because you don't know why someone is the way they are. Who cares what they look like, where they live, how much money they have or how many children in their family! It isn't your business unless they volunteer the information.

 

And yes, it is like a red rag to a bull for me ;)

:iagree: But I wonder if it is a cultural thing. I think American people tend to be a little more nosey than Australians.

[Amber in AUS]

You could be spot on Melissa.

[Sara Mac]

More bad parenting IMO. If you teach your children respect and tolerance from the getgo you wont have this problem, society is seriously lacking! I have the super inquisitive, outgoing, loud DD but she knows not to stare or ask questions of strangers, even disabled ones, it is just rude!

 

 

:iagree: too.

 

My 9yo dd and 4yo ds are both very loud and outgoing yet whilst shopping last week we saw a young lady in a wheelchair. Her body and arms were only the size of a 5yr old and her legs were about the size of a 2yo's legs. All three of my children saw the lady as we walked past and not one of them said a word about it! After we had walked a bit further I casually mentioned (very quietly) her difference in appearance in case any of them wanted to ask me about her yet although they had all observed this lady and had noticed that she was different they just seem to accept that people have differences. Difference in hair colour, difference in skin colour or difference in body all have the same impact to them.

[Amber in AUS]

:iagree: too.

 

My 9yo dd and 4yo ds are both very loud and outgoing yet whilst shopping last week we saw a young lady in a wheelchair. Her body and arms were only the size of a 5yr old and her legs were about the size of a 2yo's legs. All three of my children saw the lady as we walked past and not one of them said a word about it! After we had walked a bit further I casually mentioned (very quietly) her difference in appearance in case any of them wanted to ask me about her yet although they had all observed this lady and had noticed that she was different they just seem to accept that people have differences. Difference in hair colour, difference in skin colour or difference in body all have the same impact to them.

 

That is awesome! Great work Sara :D and kids ofcourse :tongue_smilie:

[Peela]

I think people get way too sensitive about such issues. I love that a kid feels free enough to ask questions such as asking a man about his missing leg. It all depends on where his heart is, but honestly, one of the things I like about kids is their disarming honesty and curiosity. They grow up and we teach them to behave nicely, to not show their feelings, and to lose their curiosity- to become just like us. I think we should be learning from them and worry less about them becoming like us.

As far as I am concerned, the man with the missing leg missed a beautiful opportunity.

[2squared]

This same son, around the same time, noticed that one of the grandfathers of a soccer player on his sister's team was missing a leg. Every week he would ask me why the man only had one leg, and every week I told him that I didn't know. One week, he walked up to the man and asked him if he could ask him about his leg.

 

I think I would have handled this question differently the first time my dc asked about the leg since I would have foreseen that they may ask questions or stare at the man at some future soccer game. We would have discussed (quietly and briefly while at the game) that God makes everyone differently. We all are loved equally and have equal value regardless of what we look like. What matters is how we look in our heart and not on the outside. Then, I would have brainstormed (with them) ideas of why this man didn't have a leg. Maybe he was born that way, maybe he was in an accident, etc. Then, I would have let them know that it would be rude to ask the man. We may never know why God made him the way he is and that is OK. We don't need and shouldn't expect to know everything.

[angela in ohio]

I guess my question would be: Why does the child need to know? Basically, they are just curious. I don't think a child's curiosity trumps a person's right to privacy.

 

I see no relationship between treating someone who is different well and understanding why they are that way. You can very easily do the first without the second. That is what we focus on. I think teaching our children that the only way we can have empathy for someone is if he or she is willing to tell us all the details is wrong.

[MIch elle]

I think people get way too sensitive about such issues. I love that a kid feels free enough to ask questions such as asking a man about his missing leg. It all depends on where his heart is, but honestly, one of the things I like about kids is their disarming honesty and curiosity. They grow up and we teach them to behave nicely, to not show their feelings, and to lose their curiosity- to become just like us. I think we should be learning from them and worry less about them becoming like us.

As far as I am concerned, the man with the missing leg missed a beautiful opportunity.

 

 

:iagree:

[MIch elle]

all the responses to the original question of why do you have X children in your family?

 

How do I know it was probably an innocent question, because my babysitter who comes from a family of 8 asked me if I plan to have more dc and why not have more dc. I knew her and KNEW it was an innocent question and she was truly interested in how other people think about family.

 

Was I rude when I asked a homeschooling mom so many years ago about homeschooling and socialization?

 

Rude depends on many factors.

Edited December 8, 2009 by MIch elle
typo

[katilac]

I don't think you should have allowed your son to ask the man about his leg. When he showed ongoing curiousity about it, I would have gone further than "I don't know what happened" and explained that people might be missing limbs for different reasons: they are born that way, they are in an accident, etc. And that's the time to remind him that we don't stare, point, or ask personal questions.

 

If he wanted to get to know the man, the way to do it would have been to say hello and start a low-key conversation. Knowing what happened to his leg doesn't mean he knows the man any better, kwim?

 

The teeth incident is more understandable, in the sense that he intended to whisper, and the lady chose to respond. But when that occurred, I really think you should have told him that this lady didn't mind talking about it, but it's not polite to potentially embarrass people by commenting on or asking about personal things. Tell him that he can always ask YOU, but not that person, and not at that time.

[Tammy]

I agree.....and I am probably one of those people who ask too many questions. If they don't want to answer.....they usually say so.

[katilac]

As far as I am concerned, the man with the missing leg missed a beautiful opportunity.

 

That's a bit unfair, don't you think? It would have been lovely if the man was open enough and patient enough to answer, or at least politely deflect, the question. But we don't even know why he ignored him.

 

Perhaps he's deaf. Perhaps the backstory is so horrific that he can't speak of it. Perhaps he simply did feel offended, and felt that silence was a better response than fussing at the child. Perhaps he wasn't offended, but embarrassed and taken by surprise, and didn't feel equal to responding.

 

I don't think we should expect other people to constantly be ready to turn their life history into "teachable moments" for our kids :D.

[TravelingChris]

I agree with Amber and with several posters who reflected that while young children can be excused, older children are being rude. It is up to the parents to properly teach the children. It is rude to stare or ask personal questions of strangers or casual acquaintances. It is rude to ask another person about someone else's issue (wife about her husband's missing leg, child about family's income, etc.) It is quite a different matter if you have a need to know such as you need to know about a child's problem to help them in SUnday School. I don't need to know if they come from a wealthy family or poor family unless I am requiring monetary expenditures. Even then, we never ask but set things up in a way so no one is embarrassed or put on the spot. Do we fiund out about others? Sure. HOw else would we know that some fellow students have diabetes, have had a parent commit suicide, had two parents disabled and money was very tight, etc, etc. But we don't pry and don't put people ill at ease as best as we can. WHile a three year old can be excused and taught that we don't say "I smell stink" in a museum where a certain patron had a pronounced body odor, a 8 year old is just plainly rude.

[littlebug42]

My youngest daughter was born with a clubfoot and spent a good portion of her infancy in and out of casts on her left leg and/or braces on her foot. I was at the opposite end of staring, nasty questioning about what I did to my child from adults and usually generally interested questions from children. I was pretty tolerant of the questions from the children. However, there were days in her treatment where any discussion about it could really send me off the deep end as I would get emotional as I watched my child struggle with things. From this experience, I have determined that it is really just better to go about your business and satisfy your curiosity elsewhere. It is truly no one's business but ours and I would have liked to take my child out in public without feeling on display. I teach my children that if they have questions about something/someone, they can ask me later but to not call attention whoever it is. People deserve the right to their privacy and if they want to discuss it they will.

[katilac]

I forgot to say that the "3 question rule" I learned as a child covers most situations. Before you say anything, aks yourself three questions:

 

Is it true?

 

Is it kind?

 

Is it necessary?

 

If you can't answer 'yes' to all three, you likely shouldn't say it. It's never necessary to ask this type of question out of simply curiosity, and it's not kind to intentionally ignore the potential for hurt or embarrassment.

 

I'm just as guilty as anyone of letting my mouth get ahead of my brain, and I'd hate to imagine what I'd sound like if I didn't at least try to curb myself, ;). One trick I've learned for the 'gray areas' is to compliment, rather than question. If you honestly compliment whatever you're curious about (large family, home schooling, going back to school at 50), that gives an opening for the person who ENJOYS talking about it to do so. The person who doesn't can simply accept the compliment and move on.

[Pajama Mama]

I disagree that someone with a missing leg should answer a curious child's question. It would be different if you knew the man. But to ambush him at a public event is kind of rude. It might have been a painful memory that he didn't want to get into with a group of strangers.

 

People with disabilities are made aware of their disability numerous times-- every single day. People who stare or those who ask questions can frustrate a disabled person. That man might have been asked that same question a hundred times and just didn't want to answer it anymore. He just want to be treated normally. He just wanted to be a grandfather watching his grandchild. He's allowed.

 

I have a child with multiple disabilities. *I* don't mind questions. I would rather kids and adults ask questions than stare at my son. We get stares every single time we go out. At a restaurant. At the mall. At church. I glare back at folks who think my son is some type of freak show attraction until they stop staring. If you want to come over and say hi that's fine. But the unwavering stare makes me nuts.

 

I wouldn't have been upset with the boy at the soccer game asking *me* about my child's disability if it wasn't during the game. If my child(grandchild) was playing, I wouldn't want to be bothered during the game.

 

I think kids' curiosity is a great thing. But they must understand that they will not be given answers to everything they want to know. People are allowed to keep it to themselves.

 

ETA:I almost deleted my post because I worried about the tone. Please read my post and realize that I am not scolding or admonishing anyone. Tone is difficult when writing online. I am very matter of fact when stating my thoughts--not angry.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Pajama Mama

[Ferdie]

That's a bit unfair, don't you think? It would have been lovely if the man was open enough and patient enough to answer, or at least politely deflect, the question. But we don't even know why he ignored him.

 

Perhaps he's deaf. Perhaps the backstory is so horrific that he can't speak of it. Perhaps he simply did feel offended, and felt that silence was a better response than fussing at the child. Perhaps he wasn't offended, but embarrassed and taken by surprise, and didn't feel equal to responding.

 

I don't think we should expect other people to constantly be ready to turn their life history into "teachable moments" for our kids :D.

 

Or maybe he is just sick and tired of being asked that question, and just wants to go to a sporting event without fielding questions.

 

To answer OP's original question, I think it is rude if the question is about a person's physical characteristic, (how tall are you, how old are you, missing body parts, blindness or disabilities). Do you really need to know the answer to the question?? Probably not and you end up putting that person on the spot by asking.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Ferdie

[Trixie]

I disagree that someone with a missing leg should answer a curious child's question. It would be different if you knew the man. But to ambush him at a public event is kind of rude. It might have been a painful memory that he didn't want to get into with a group of strangers. ... I think kids' curiosity is a great thing. But they must understand that they will not be given answers to everything they want to know. People are allowed to keep it to themselves.

 

I agree completely.

 

Curiosity and rudness are not mutually exclusive. When people ask personal questions simply for the sake of their own curiosity, it's rude. There's nothing wrong with teaching children that other people's personal lives don't become their business just because they're curious about them.

[Tutor]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate how thoughtful you all were.

[angela in ohio]

I forgot to say that the "3 question rule" I learned as a child covers most situations. Before you say anything, aks yourself three questions:

 

Is it true?

 

Is it kind?

 

Is it necessary?

 

If you can't answer 'yes' to all three, you likely shouldn't say it. It's never necessary to ask this type of question out of simply curiosity, and it's not kind to intentionally ignore the potential for hurt or embarrassment.

 

That's it. I was trying to think of how to say this. This is it exactly.

 

I can't imagine what life would be like for someone with a missing limb if every child/person they met thought they had a right to know how they lost it. There are other things about that person than just a missing limb.

[stripe]

Perhaps he's deaf. Perhaps the backstory is so horrific that he can't speak of it. Perhaps he simply did feel offended, and felt that silence was a better response than fussing at the child. Perhaps he wasn't offended, but embarrassed and taken by surprise, and didn't feel equal to responding.

 

I don't think we should expect other people to constantly be ready to turn their life history into "teachable moments" for our kids :D.

Yes, how many children or adults might be prepared to hear a long retelling of how the leg got blown off? Or how he didn't take his medicine and had to have it amputated? Or whatever? And is it fair that the survivor should have to get into this, with everyone s/he meets? It is as if someone's identity is now "the one-legged man" or "the lady with no teeth," and that person has NO OTHER qualities.

 

I feel the same way whenever the cashier has a broken arm or something. I have told such people I hope they feel better soon or something, but I don't think they need to tell me what exactly happened, although some do volunteer.

 

Or maybe he is just sick and tired of being asked that question, and just wants to go to a sporting event without fielding questions.

I agree. People regularly stare at one of my children for a certain medical reason, and they think they are entitled to know the whole story, share their own stories, and so on. Having someone shout out "What happened to you?" is just not polite! Given that my child is under medical care, we don't require advice in the grocery store. Some children need to learn to close their mouths instead of having a big gaping hole that a fly could land in, but honestly adults are not much better. Including stranger adults who share with my child how awful it must be and how much they themselves hated it, blah blah. Er? That being said, from someone who knows us, it is a different matter, and the questions come from concern.

 

Then again, I've seen people who want an accounting of birthmarks (what are they? what happened?) and such and ask if they'll go away and other ridiculous questions. Or who tell me my child's hair is not nice. Repeatedly. (When it seems to be more of a cultural matter, because people in their culture don't have hair like my children's, therefore my children have bad hair. What?) In my opinion, always pointing out someone's "deficiencies" is just not polite!

 

Idle curiosity is not really a good character trait.

[Trixie]

I guess my question would be: Why does the child need to know? Basically, they are just curious. I don't think a child's curiosity trumps a person's right to privacy.

 

I see no relationship between treating someone who is different well and understanding why they are that way. You can very easily do the first without the second. That is what we focus on. I think teaching our children that the only way we can have empathy for someone is if he or she is willing to tell us all the details is wrong.

 

I agree completely. Well put.

 

I forgot to say that the "3 question rule" I learned as a child covers most situations. Before you say anything, aks yourself three questions:

 

Is it true?

 

Is it kind?

 

Is it necessary?

 

If you can't answer 'yes' to all three, you likely shouldn't say it. It's never necessary to ask this type of question out of simply curiosity, and it's not kind to intentionally ignore the potential for hurt or embarrassment.

 

Yes, that's it exactly.

[Mommyof4ks]

If a child is asking a question to better understand something, then I think that is a great thing. If they continue to 'bother' someone about something, then that is rude.

 

At my kids gymnastics place there is a man that works there who is missing a leg due to an illness (he truly is amazing). My middle son (6) asked me rather loudly about what happened to Mr. Xs leg as he walked by. I answered the question as best I could, and as it turns out Mr. X' friend overheard us and thanked me for explaining it rather than avoiding the question and possibly having my son avoid him out of fear. I think alot of the kids who make fun of people do so out of ignorance, because they don' understand difference between them and another person.

 

I am working on having him wait until after we leave the area before asking such questions, but he has gotten alot of 'thank you for asking' responses which surprised me.

[angela in ohio]

The only two options are not:

 

(1.) treat people badly because we don't know what the cause of their difference is, or

 

(2.) ask them so that we know and then can be kind.

 

There is another option: We can just teach our children that we should treat everyone kindly no matter how they are different than us. That we should not fear anyone or make fun of them or avoid them no matter what. Then they will be prepared to treat every "different" person they meet well without having to first ask them for an explanation.

[MIch elle]

That's a bit unfair, don't you think? It would have been lovely if the man was open enough and patient enough to answer, or at least politely deflect, the question. But we don't even know why he ignored him.

 

I don't think we should expect other people to constantly be ready to turn their life history into "teachable moments" for our kids :D.

 

such is life.

 

The boy learned a valuable lesson - people will not always respond to his questions. :001_smile:

[Impish]

I was on a bus, over a year ago. Last time I was on a bus, incidentally.

 

Princess was fussing. She does this 'ahhhh' sing song thing when she's preparing to sleep somewhere that isn't home. The bus driver didn't like it at all. He turned around and told me to make her be quiet. He later pulled the bus over, glared at me, and snapped, "Pick her up! Make her shut up!" I had to admit, in front of an angry bus driver, and a bus load of passengers, that I couldn't pick up my (then) two year old and keep her safely in my lap, as I only had one working arm. He sneered at me, "What do you mean you only have one working arm?" And I had to explain the details of why I cannot use my right arm.

 

Princess fell asleep a few moments later, and thankfully, we came to a stop that we were close enough to walk home from. Diva was upset for me, I was in tears. I felt completely humiliated, crushed.

 

There are adults who are incapable of asking about a disability nicely either.

 

I've had many people ask about my arm. I've had people notice, and without comment, assist me with putting cash in my wallet, etc.

 

If a child were to ask, I'd answer...but I'd also feel the sharp sting of 'You're different, you're disabled' too...and hope my kids didn't witness their mother being singled out in that manner.

[Tutor]

I forgot to say that the "3 question rule" I learned as a child covers most situations. Before you say anything, aks yourself three questions:

 

Is it true?

 

Is it kind?

 

Is it necessary?

 

If you can't answer 'yes' to all three, you likely shouldn't say it. It's never necessary to ask this type of question out of simply curiosity, and it's not kind to intentionally ignore the potential for hurt or embarrassment.

 

I'm just as guilty as anyone of letting my mouth get ahead of my brain, and I'd hate to imagine what I'd sound like if I didn't at least try to curb myself, ;). One trick I've learned for the 'gray areas' is to compliment, rather than question. If you honestly compliment whatever you're curious about (large family, home schooling, going back to school at 50), that gives an opening for the person who ENJOYS talking about it to do so. The person who doesn't can simply accept the compliment and move on.

 

Thank you. This is exactly the type of guidance I was looking for.

[elfinbaby]

If a child is asking a question in a sincere manner, he knows tolerance:D He's not judging the people with missing limbs, missing teeth. Doesn't sound like he's whispering mean comments/making jokes/judging them. I have four kids and, I've certainly been in the situation where my dc asked me a question about another's appearance, etc.

 

If it's something that would cause embarrassment for the other person (and my child is not aware that his question is rude), then I certainly try and take care of the answer myself. I also let them know that's not a polite question. However, I also have a child w/severe disabilities and I am thrilled when children ask sincere questions. They have always been genuine curiosities about "What's wrong?" with my dd. I'm happy to tell them about her so they WON'T be intolerant. I always let uncomfortable parents know it's okay to ask questions.

 

What I don't like is when people stare and that happens a lot. Frankly, it's not usually kids either - mothers are the worst. DD has almost caused some accidents b/c grown women can't stop staring. Those are the ones that also allow their children to stare. Not cool. On the other hand, kids will walk right up and say "Why is she in a wheelchair? Why can't she talk? Why does she have those things on her arms?" IMO, this is the best time to teach tolerance - when they are genuinely curious. The children I've encountered seem to naturally want to accept my daughter. They just need to know more about her and how to interact with her.

 

The difference between being mean spirited and innocent curiosity is so obvious. I don't understand "It's not their business." People fear the unknown. I'd rather have a discussion so we can all embrace one another.

 

So, no, every question is not okay but it's not difficult to judge when the question is in the wrong spirit or inappropriate. But, yes, I absolutely believe (and welcome) questions help to dispel some intolerances.

[Daisy]

Why can't it be both? The child was curious and rude.

 

Curious because in his innocence he wants to have a question answered.

 

Rude because he asked and hasn't learned yet about personal boundaries.

 

Now whether the person being asked will take it as curiosity or rudeness depends on THEIR temperament.

 

If the child had asked me (his mother) about the man's leg, I would have replied with a variety of possible scenarios that would have hopefully satisfied his curiosity and I would have told him that asking people about such things can be very painful and often is taken as intrusive and rude.

 

I found this quote by the op interesting....

 

I think that we need to prepare our children that there are some issues that some people find too sensitive to discuss. But how do we balance that with teaching our children to really get to know people and care for them - which involves intimate and possibly painful questions? How else are we going to grow as a society made of people with mutual empathy and understanding if we don't talk to each other about those defining, sacred, personal things?

 

Getting to know people doesn't, in my opinion, involve intimate and painful questioning. It is always up to the other person to SHARE what they wish. I would never dream of playing 20 questions in personal sacred areas. Getting to know someone involves mutual SHARING, not mutual questioning. Just my slightly different point of view.

[mirth]

"Who do you live with, your mommy or daddy?" (question asked to me by a 5 year old little boy who apparently thought divorced parents were the norm).

 

This made me tear up and tugged at my heart.

[zimom]

This is my first post and I'm really not sure what to say but this thread obviously caught my eye..... although most of the conversation has centered around the child's curiosity of when it comes to an adult who may have differences, what about when it is a child????

 

My DD, 5 years old, is the one missing the leg. She uses a beautiful prosthestic leg, this time the top is covered with pink flowers. She runs, she jumps, she swims, she dances. I don't mind answering a child's question when they are asked with kindness, but my daughter honestly is tired of the attention, tired of the questions and tired of the staring. She has been laughed at, pointed at, last week a little girl of about 5 said over and over it was 'disgusting' while her mother looked on. So yes, curiosity may be fine, but doesn't my child have a right to be just a kid too?

 

Kelley

[angela in ohio]

This is my first post and I'm really not sure what to say but this thread obviously caught my eye..... although most of the conversation has centered around the child's curiosity of when it comes to an adult who may have differences, what about when it is a child????

 

My DD, 5 years old, is the one missing the leg. She uses a beautiful prosthestic leg, this time the top is covered with pink flowers. She runs, she jumps, she swims, she dances. I don't mind answering a child's question when they are asked with kindness, but my daughter honestly is tired of the attention, tired of the questions and tired of the staring. She has been laughed at, pointed at, last week a little girl of about 5 said over and over it was 'disgusting' while her mother looked on. So yes, curiosity may be fine, but doesn't my child have a right to be just a kid too?

 

Kelley

 

This is a very important first post. :001_smile:

 

We all need to teach our dc to look past what it is that is different about someone and treat/see them as a whole person. Your dd is no doubt a wonderful and intersting girl, but if we focus on having to know why she is missing a leg rather than who she is, we miss that.

[Scarlett]

If a child is asking a question in a sincere manner, he knows tolerance:D He's not judging the people with missing limbs, missing teeth. Doesn't sound like he's whispering mean comments/making jokes/judging them. I have four kids and, I've certainly been in the situation where my dc asked me a question about another's appearance, etc.

 

If it's something that would cause embarrassment for the other person (and my child is not aware that his question is rude), then I certainly try and take care of the answer myself. I also let them know that's not a polite question. However, I also have a child w/severe disabilities and I am thrilled when children ask sincere questions. They have always been genuine curiosities about "What's wrong?" with my dd. I'm happy to tell them about her so they WON'T be intolerant. I always let uncomfortable parents know it's okay to ask questions.

 

What I don't like is when people stare and that happens a lot. Frankly, it's not usually kids either - mothers are the worst. DD has almost caused some accidents b/c grown women can't stop staring. Those are the ones that also allow their children to stare. Not cool. On the other hand, kids will walk right up and say "Why is she in a wheelchair? Why can't she talk? Why does she have those things on her arms?" IMO, this is the best time to teach tolerance - when they are genuinely curious. The children I've encountered seem to naturally want to accept my daughter. They just need to know more about her and how to interact with her.

 

The difference between being mean spirited and innocent curiosity is so obvious. I don't understand "It's not their business." People fear the unknown. I'd rather have a discussion so we can all embrace one another.

 

So, no, every question is not okay but it's not difficult to judge when the question is in the wrong spirit or inappropriate. But, yes, I absolutely believe (and welcome) questions help to dispel some intolerances.

 

Yes. This. I can't believe how many people think children should just shut up. Children are a work in progress. They WILL learn. Sometimes, as strangers we get in the middle of , through no fault of our own, a teachable moment. They are learning social cues and all you people who like your privacy can help them understand that some people are like that---but you can do it kindly. I can think of several phrases that come to mind, 'Well, that is sort of personal.' 'That is not something I'm comfortable discussing.' Or a silent smile. A grown up asking a too personal question might get a deadpan stare from me....but a child? No.

 

Wow. This thread mostly makes me want to never speak to another stranger as long as I live.

[Scarlett]

This is my first post and I'm really not sure what to say but this thread obviously caught my eye..... although most of the conversation has centered around the child's curiosity of when it comes to an adult who may have differences, what about when it is a child????

 

My DD, 5 years old, is the one missing the leg. She uses a beautiful prosthestic leg, this time the top is covered with pink flowers. She runs, she jumps, she swims, she dances. I don't mind answering a child's question when they are asked with kindness, but my daughter honestly is tired of the attention, tired of the questions and tired of the staring. She has been laughed at, pointed at, last week a little girl of about 5 said over and over it was 'disgusting' while her mother looked on. So yes, curiosity may be fine, but doesn't my child have a right to be just a kid too?

 

Kelley

 

Well, yes she does! Of course! However, there is a huge difference between being laughed at and stared at and someone asking a very sincere question in kindness.

[mirth]

I'm not sure why a legless man owes anyone an explanation or has an extra burden to fulfill teachable moments.

[Garga]

I agree with what Scarlett said early on in this thread--that after reading these threads, she realizes she's probably been offending people all her life. That describes me to a tee! I'm nervous about talking to anyone about anything lately! I'm realizing now that I'm very naive about a lot of things!

 

Until this thread, I had no clue that it would be offensive to someone if a child asked a question, out of curiosity and with respect. I think the man with no legs was horrible not to answer the child. He could have simply said, "No, I don't want to talk about it." All I can think is that his soul was scarred or something, for him to be so ungracious to a 6 year old little boy.

[Tutor]

I am sorry that I gave specific examples. I am realizing that they are distracting from my original intent rather than helping to clarify as I had intended. I struggle with knowing when to give details and when to just ask a basic, open-ended question. This was probably a question that would have benefited from being basic.

 

Basic question I was considering: When does a child's natural curiosity become socially unacceptable behavior?

 

That doesn't seem like the right wording, either, but oh well. I'm not sure how else to ask it.

 

Thanks for all of the responses. And I am sorry if I offended anyone with my question. No offense was meant.

[elfinbaby]

He doesn't. Neither does my dd (or me, since I'm the one doing the answering). I could just as easily say "I don't usually talk about my 'fill in the blank'."

 

No biggie. Nothing lost but nothing gained either. In my situation, it is not to mine or my dds benefit to say "We don't like to talk about that." For us, if we don't talk about it, it would be impossible for you to ascertain if dd hears you, understands you, can communicate with you, etc.

 

I'm not trying to create an extra burden for myself by fulfilling teachable moments. I (and dd) have something to gain personally by answering questions - acceptance, normality, getting the obvious out of the way:tongue_smilie: We are also fighting an uphill battle of preconceived notions that people have for those with disabilities. I think our perspective and need to answer questions is very different for the legless man.

[Tutor]

When people ask personal questions simply for the sake of their own curiosity, it's rude.

 

What if it is for their own enlightenment?

[Scarlett]

I'm not sure why a legless man owes anyone an explanation or has an extra burden to fulfill teachable moments.

 

I didn't say the man had an obligation to fulfill a teachable moment. I said he was in the middle of a teachable moment---the parents of course have the obligation to train their children---and THAT is a work in progress with children. I am not sure the man even heard the child's question, so that situation is not one I'm referring to.

 

If a child ask you (the general You) an inappropriate question....why get all up in the air about it? Answer it or not. Understand that they are being trained (or not) and let it go.