When is it rude and when is it curiousity?

[zimom]

Well, yes she does! Of course! However, there is a huge difference between being laughed at and stared at and someone asking a very sincere question in kindness.

 

I do agree 100%. and I will answer a child's sincere questions all day long and my daughter TRIES too. But she has certainly had spells, sometimes they last just days, sometimes longer when she has just had enough. So I just want people to please think about the fact that maybe my daughter just wants to be a kid first, and then maybe AFTER she gets to know your child, then maybe she could answer that question for the 100th time, 'what happened to your leg'...

 

We actually love to educate kids about prosthetics, everything she can do, to take the mystery away, again, I guess I'm just trying to drive home I don't think kids have a 'right' to know over my child losing her 'right' to just be a kid... try to be her friend first. Other things I try to stress is when they are old enough, kids need to talk to her, not me. She's not invisible. Lastly, it is never ok to touch my daughter's leg without asking first. It is part of her and just like it's not ok to touch someone in general, you don't touch her leg without asking first. Probably TMI, but I was on a roll :)

 

Kelley

[angela in ohio]

I'm not sure why a legless man owes anyone an explanation or has an extra burden to fulfill teachable moments.

 

I guess that's my question, too.

 

The only two alternatives are not (1.) dc don't learn anything about people who are different than them and never get to ask, or (2.) dc ask strangers personal questions. Luckily, asking strangers is not the only way for our dc to learn about these things. We can teach them to wait and ask us later and then discuss it with them. We can also be proactive and teach them before it ever comes up.

 

In our family, we have chosen to teach dc up front about medical and physical issues, so that they are prepared with how to act ahead of time. Do not fear that because I teach my dc not to ask people these questions, they will not be able to treat them properly. My dc are prepared to act with respect and comfort around people of all types. They know, for example, that if they meet someone missing an arm that the person may or may not need help and we should not just do things for them as if they are helpless. They know that if someone has a seizure, they should not crowd around and stare. We have read many books about people who overcome all sorts of obstacles to live great lives. I have taught them that people who have a visible difference are probably questioned or ridiculed by the world for it, and that these people need our love and our ability to treat them "normally" very much. We should ask them about other aspects of themselves: their interests, their family, etc.

 

The public schools often do units on this subject; more homeschoolers should, too.

[Tutor]

I do agree 100%. and I will answer a child's sincere questions all day long and my daughter TRIES too. But she has certainly had spells, sometimes they last just days, sometimes longer when she has just had enough. So I just want people to please think about the fact that maybe my daughter just wants to be a kid first, and then maybe AFTER she gets to know your child, then maybe she could answer that question for the 100th time, 'what happened to your leg'...

 

We actually love to educate kids about prosthetics, everything she can do, to take the mystery away, again, I guess I'm just trying to drive home I don't think kids have a 'right' to know over my child losing her 'right' to just be a kid... try to be her friend first. Other things I try to stress is when they are old enough, kids need to talk to her, not me. She's not invisible. Lastly, it is never ok to touch my daughter's leg without asking first. It is part of her and just like it's not ok to touch someone in general, you don't touch her leg without asking first. Probably TMI, but I was on a roll :)

 

Kelley

 

Thank you! This is what I am struggling with... the balance between knowledge/ enlightenment about a general topic of curiosity and personal privacy of an individual living that topic. (I hope that made some lick of sense. :D )

 

I guess the answer (if we can call it an answer, per se) is that each circumstance is different and that we need to use as much discernment as possible in each situation. To teach our children to distinguish between learning and verbally gawking. Not to hide in a hole and refrain from asking questions just because they might be uncomfortable, but to be sincerely sorry if they offend and to try to think how the other person might read them before asking a question so they can be prepared to be silent or receive criticism.

 

Thank you. You have helped me clarify some things in my mind. Blessings to you!

[angela in ohio]

What if it is for their own enlightenment?

 

They can google instead. :001_smile: I'm not being flip. If you truly don't understand a condition, look it up. You don't need to know that specific person's case.

[stripe]

I never said children should shut up. But they should consider when they ask a question as well as how. For example, my children asked me about a friend of theirs who has a hearing aid when the boy was not there; I was able to explain about hearing aids to them so they understood, and it didn't require him to explain. Children have asked my child about his situation, and I've encouraged him to answer when it seems appropriate, but I do think we as parents, and adults, should ourselves be considerate and teach our children to do the same.

 

So, no, I don't think any question to a stranger that are along the line of "What happened to you/your body part?" are very courteous because they start from an assumption that the person is deficient, this is all we notice about that person, imply that we have a right to know, and suggest that the person is obligated to respond, all in one go.

 

I don't think one should approach someone they don't know and demand an explanation about anything. (Why are you fat? Why is your hair like that? Why do you have such a big tummy? What happened to your foot? Why are you wearing that?) If it is in any way relevant, it will be possible for explanations to come out later. Someone is not their disability, their hairstyle, their clothes, their shape, or any other single characteristic.

 

I also think it's worth considering that that person could be you. People do become disabled/fat/ugly/hairy/bald/blind/toothless, too. You could be next.

[Pajama Mama]

We actually love to educate kids about prosthetics, everything she can do, to take the mystery away, again, I guess I'm just trying to drive home I don't think kids have a 'right' to know over my child losing her 'right' to just be a kid... try to be her friend first. Other things I try to stress is when they are old enough, kids need to talk to her, not me. She's not invisible. Lastly, it is never ok to touch my daughter's leg without asking first. It is part of her and just like it's not ok to touch someone in general, you don't touch her leg without asking first. Probably TMI, but I was on a roll :)

 

Kelley

 

This is what I was trying to say. I don't mind questions about my son's disabilities. However, I prefer it to come from folks who know us in some way--not some random person I've never spoken to before. With younger kids, I will gladly answer all questions. With older kids and adults, I would prefer to answer questions to a neighbor or someone from my kid's Girl Scouts meeting. I had a lady that I never met before come up to and start asking questions about my son. She proceeded to talk about a nephew that reminded her of my son. She said how sad it was that he died. Ummm, thanks for that. Why the heck was THAT necessary?

 

My son is unaware of the stares but his brother and sister are. We would like to go out as a family and not play 20 questions. I don't mind if our waitress asks us after she's chatted with us. But not if she blurts it out immediately.

 

 

Kelley-I can't believe someone would think it's ok to touch her leg. Wow-that's really intrusive. I thought it was bad when people would touch my pregnant belly.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Pajama Mama

[Tutor]

I never said children should shut up. But they should consider when they ask a question as well as how. For example, my children asked me about a friend of theirs who has a hearing aid when the boy was not there; I was able to explain about hearing aids to them so they understood, and it didn't require him to explain. Children have asked my child about his situation, and I've encouraged him to answer when it seems appropriate, but I do think we as parents, and adults, should ourselves be considerate and teach our children to do the same.

 

So, no, I don't think any question to a stranger that are along the line of "What happened to you/your body part?" are very courteous because they start from an assumption that the person is deficient, this is all we notice about that person, imply that we have a right to know, and suggest that the person is obligated to respond, all in one go.

 

I don't think one should approach someone they don't know and demand an explanation about anything. (Why are you fat? Why is your hair like that? Why do you have such a big tummy? What happened to your foot? Why are you wearing that?) If it is in any way relevant, it will be possible for explanations to come out later. Someone is not their disability, their hairstyle, their clothes, their shape, or any other single characteristic.

 

I also think it's worth considering that that person could be you. People do become disabled/fat/ugly/hairy/bald/blind/toothless, too. You could be next.

 

Oh, I know you didn't mean for kids to never speak.

 

Obviously, we have taught our children to not just go up to perfect strangers and ask questions. This particular son took a little longer to get the message. These two instances occurred within a couple weeks of each other three years ago and just stand out to me. I should not have used them as examples. I'm sorry I did.

 

I do get questions and comments quite a bit... especially from children. My children get them as well. For example, we are all rather short, and many kids have asked us why we are so short. This son I was speaking of gets asked quite a bit, in fact. Maybe that's why he's felt freer asking other people questions and why it was so hard for us to reel him in. :D (I always find it funny that we've gotten more questions about our height than any other physical condition. The only things I get asked about more are the number of children we have and homeschooling. :D )

[Scarlett]

I guess that's my question, too.

 

The only two alternatives are not (1.) dc don't learn anything about people who are different than them and never get to ask, or (2.) dc ask strangers personal questions. Luckily, asking strangers is not the only way for our dc to learn about these things. We can teach them to wait and ask us later and then discuss it with them. We can also be proactive and teach them before it ever comes up..

 

Yes Angela. Of course this is ideal. However, what about the child who asks a question of a stranger even though that child has been so well instructed by good parents like you? It happens you know. Kids are kids and they do things that as a grown up they will not do. I'm saying, not that kids be allowed to be rude, but that they are being trained and therefore why get all up in the air if a child asks a inappropriate question? Or inappropriate to you (the general you). Because every one, clearly, doesn't feel the same about appropriate vs. inappropriate questions.

 

I guess I'm just saying chill people.

[zimom]

Kelley-I can't believe someone would think it's ok to touch her leg. Wow-that's really intrusive. I thought it was bad when people would touch my pregnant belly.

 

I still remember at tumbling over two years ago one of the mom's called her daughter over like my daughter was a Ripley's exibit... I about blew a gasket. "Come here Susie, come touch her leg!" in this super sappy voice. I can still hear it in my head. My daughter's prosthetic knee when it activates, if your fingers are anywhere near it, watch out! A lesson we all learned pretty quick. I hate to admit I was having some pretty unkind thoughts about then hoping Susie's fingers (or better yet her mom's) might find her knee.

 

If you aren't sure what I am talking about, this is what her current knee looks like: http://www.ossur.com/?PageID=13444

 

Sorry, I know I am getting off topic, but think about this as an educational moment :)

[stripe]

Well, all things considered, it's better to just go ASK the question than stand around staring. At least this acknowledges the person can talk and speak for him/herself, instead of gossiping within earshot or staring, which is fairly dehumanizing/disrespectful.

[justamouse]

I think this is an extremely fluid situation, and adults even have trouble with it. So much depends on tone, demeanor, physical posture. As a rule, I tell my children that it is rude to ask unless they know the person as more than an acquaintance. Otherwise I let the person bring it up. But I think it's asking a lot for children to get such a sensitive area right all of the time.

[angela in ohio]

Yes Angela. Of course this is ideal. However, what about the child who asks a question of a stranger even though that child has been so well instructed by good parents like you? It happens you know. Kids are kids and they do things that as a grown up they will not do. I'm saying, not that kids be allowed to be rude, but that they are being trained and therefore why get all up in the air if a child asks a inappropriate question? Or inappropriate to you (the general you). Because every one, clearly, doesn't feel the same about appropriate vs. inappropriate questions.

 

I guess I'm just saying chill people.

 

I'm not seeing the same conversation then. I thought we were discussing whether we should train our dc to ask or not to ask. I don't know who said we should be upset when dc ask an inappropriate question? I thought the OP was asking about training our own dc, not how to act when other people ask us questions. That is a whole other matter (in which my opinion is that we should always assume the best of people and respond kindly.)

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it becomes rude when you continue questioning someone who is clearly uncomfortable. For example, if someone is pretending not to hear you then they don't want to answer and you probably should cease.

[Scarlett]

I'm not seeing the same conversation then. I thought we were discussing whether we should train our dc to ask or not to ask. I don't know who said we should be upset when dc ask an inappropriate question? I thought the OP was asking about training our own dc, not how to act when other people ask us questions. That is a whole other matter (in which my opinion is that we should always assume the best of people and respond kindly.)

 

Well you are right---that was the OP's question. This thread has morphed though and maybe you and I weren't on the same wave length. I do tend to go down rabbit trails. :tongue_smilie:

 

Still....I don't know how we can cover every topic with our children that might come up. Sometimes it is just going to be a matter of oops child opened up mouth and asked a question before anyone could stop him/her.

[Ellie]

Children should be taught that it is not polite to ask personal questions of complete strangers.

[elfinbaby]

If children didn't ask questions about my dd, they would never get to know her. Every situation is going to be different. There are no pat answers.

 

Again, a child has never offended me with their questioning. Otoh, adults certainly have. I have actually been asked (by total strangers) if her life span is going to be shortened, that's the same thing as asking if she's going to die. Adults have asked me that at homeschooling get togethers more than once.

[Carol in Cal.]

 

Basic question I was considering: When does a child's natural curiosity become socially unacceptable behavior?

 

 

 

 

I'm going to try to answer the question I think you're really asking.

 

I think it is always rude to comment on differences. It is more rude to a stranger than to anyone else. If someone wants to volunteer the information, and they are not gross about it, it is a compliment to you and to your friendship, but that comes later, after you have gotten to know and accept that person as a friend.

 

You don't get to know someone by asking about their differences. You get to know them by sharing yourself, and giving them the opportunity to share themselves.

 

Children don't understand this, so they get a free pass up to a point, on the assumption that parents are gradually teaching them to be polite and warm. Parents need to start doing this as early as possible, but children are extended grace in this area as long as parents are clearly trying.

 

That's the way I see it.

 

BTW, my best friend in third grade was born missing one eye, and when I met her she had a deformed eye socket with a glass eye in it. I asked my mom about it, and she told me never to ask this girl about it. Later when we got to be friends, the BF told me that she really appreciated that I never asked her about this, and that it embarrassed her and she refused to answer everyone's questions, but that she would tell me all about it specifically because I didn't ask. My silence on that subject gave us the room to become friends.

 

I teach my DD to ask me in private about things like that. When she was very young we had a code word for it.

[Peela]

That's a bit unfair, don't you think? It would have been lovely if the man was open enough and patient enough to answer, or at least politely deflect, the question. But we don't even know why he ignored him.

 

Perhaps he's deaf. Perhaps the backstory is so horrific that he can't speak of it. Perhaps he simply did feel offended, and felt that silence was a better response than fussing at the child. Perhaps he wasn't offended, but embarrassed and taken by surprise, and didn't feel equal to responding.

 

I don't think we should expect other people to constantly be ready to turn their life history into "teachable moments" for our kids :D.

 

Oh I agree....the man may have been taken aback, or any of a number of reasons why he didnt respond. I just don't think the child was rude, and I do think the man missed an opportunity. Doesn't make him wrong, or anything like that. All compassion to him- and neither is he responsible for teaching the child- not at all, I am not putting a "should" onto him. But it's a gift to share with a child, not a burden. But I don't think the child was wrong, either, and he will learn whatever he learns from the situation. I just wouldnt want to step in and control it for the sake of social niceties. I say let things happen as they do, and the natural consequences will play out and everyone will learn. You never know the affect it had on the old man, either, even if he apparently didn't respond.

 

 

I am really surprised at the number of people who find the boy rude and I find that sad. Rudeness is in the eye of the beholder, and one can only get offended if one chooses to.

[fivetails]

If children didn't ask questions about my dd, they would never get to know her.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Our ds11 is, among other things, blind & autistic. If people don't ask questions, they're not going to understand how to interact with him. I welcome any questions that someone - adult or child - may wish to ask, so long as their intentions are good. :)