What would you do in this situation?

[Mommamia]

We have some new friends who live up the street. We have known them for less than a year, but have gotten to be close friends in that short time. We go to the same church and we both home school (they just started). We also have children around the same age. Everything is going great except.....they NEVER invite us over. They either invite themselves to our home or we have had them over for dinner a couple of times.

 

I'm at the point where I don't want to invite them over anymore. They have a large home. I just can't figure it out and I'm too whimpy to come out and ask them. Again today, she sent me an email talking about how they needed to come over for such and such.

 

What would you do in this situation?:tongue_smilie:

 

With our other friends, we take turns.

[kmacnchs]

I know this is back-handed and everything but if I was in that situation, and got an email saying they needed to come over and have lunch soon I would email them back something like, yeah, we do...hows Xday? We could come over to your house around X time...I could bring chips, what do you think?...like it's nothing...that may not be the 'right' thing to do but I'm not one for confrontation and that is what I would do... :D

[lynn]

some people just are not comfortable entertaining and just rather not entertain or invite people to their home and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't take it personally. I don't mind going to a friends house or meeting up for lunch or going to a friends for a bbq but I am not one to do the inviting. It takes me weeks of planning to host bunco at my house once a year and that's about all the entertaining we do.

[JFSinIL]

email back to her "Could we meet/do this at YOUR house this time - I need to get out of this house/it won't work to come here this time." or words to that effect.

[Mommamia]

email back to her "Could we meet/do this at YOUR house this time - I need to get out of this house/it won't work to come here this time." or words to that effect.

 

 

That works...simple and to the point:)

[Remudamom]

You could try the above. I wonder if she's got some issue with having people over? Maybe she's a hoarder? Dirty toilets?? Dead bodies in the basement?

[chickenpatty]

:lol: classic remudamom :lol:

 

You could try the above. I wonder if she's got some issue with having people over? Maybe she's a hoarder? Dirty toilets?? Dead bodies in the basement?

[4kiddies]

I wouldn't take it personally. I don't like to have people over. I don't like to have people in my space...plus it just stresses me out to have people over. The cleaning, the preparing....it just sucks the fun out of having people over.

[Scarlett]

You could try the above. I wonder if she's got some issue with having people over? Maybe she's a hoarder? Dirty toilets?? Dead bodies in the basement?

 

 

 

:smilielol5:

 

Yer hilarious!

[Mommamia]

You could try the above. I wonder if she's got some issue with having people over? Maybe she's a hoarder? Dirty toilets?? Dead bodies in the basement?

 

Interesting:lol: I know that she has had people over before. She had one of those home jewelry parties once. I know that her extended family comes for dinner etc. So strange.

[teamturner]

Perhaps your house is always tidier than hers and she would be embaressed for you to see it a mess. Or it could be that her kids just LOVE coming to your house where there are different toys/activities, etc. I agree with the suggestion to email her back asking to do it at her house this time for whatever reason sounds good. You'll never know until you ask.

[Chris in VA]

I'm guilty of this. I know this doesn't apply at all in your situation, but for me, I did not want her kids in my house. They were obnoxious and messy from time to time, and it stressed me out to see her constantly trying to reason with them instead of just saying "stop it."

[Mommamia]

I understand that she might not want the stress of having to clean and prepare to have others over, but that's just part of having friends. I cannot imagine always only going over to someone elses home and never inviting them back...whatever the reason. We have other friends and we all go back in forth with invitations. :001_huh:

[MIch elle]

It's always one way and so I get tired of it and I stop calling & inviting people over - then the friendship is over.

[unsinkable]

I understand that she might not want the stress of having to clean and prepare to have others over, but that's just part of having friends. I cannot imagine always only going over to someone elses home and never inviting them back...whatever the reason. We have other friends and we all go back in forth with invitations. :001_huh:

 

It sounds like it is not a good friendship for you if she is not meeting your standards of friendship.

 

Either you change or she changes...and you can't make her change. You can just let her know you want to be invited to her house from time to time.

[SquirrellyMama]

Interesting:lol: I know that she has had people over before. She had one of those home jewelry parties once. I know that her extended family comes for dinner etc. So strange.

 

I was thinking the hoarder thing also. I think I've watched too many Hoarder shows. I also thought maybe they had a big house but that is all they could afford and would be embarrassed by the lack of furniture.

 

If they are having other people over then it isn't that.

[Murphy101]

Well that's par for the course here.

We always have people over. No problem.

But most other people kind of spaz at the notion of my family of 11 arriving on their doorstep. lol. I don't take it personal.

 

I know people who think they have to have a beautiful and organized event to have people over. Thus they rarely have people over.

 

We tend towards the far more casual treat everyone like family attitude towards having people over. Eat, drink and merry conversation.

 

If you feel slighted by this friend, I suggest one of the above ideas for giving her a hint. But the real question is whether this is a friendship breaker or not.

[Mommamia]

I just wanted to clarify....they have their own family over, but I've never known them to invite friends over. I think they do like coming to our house, which I should see as a compliment. As someone else said....eventually, it may become too one side and then I may re-evaluate.

[Stacy in NJ]

email back to her "Could we meet/do this at YOUR house this time - I need to get out of this house/it won't work to come here this time." or words to that effect.

 

yes, and/or include an outside the house option like: "Could we do this at your house OR (INSERT FAVORITE INEXPENSIVE RESTAURANT OR PUBLIC PLACE HERE)."

 

You could meet at a fast food place for desert, the library, a park, the mall food court.

[*********]

I have a few bible verses to share with you:

 

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. - Romans 12:10-13

 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. - 1 Peter 4:8-10

 

Dear friend, you are faithful in what you are doing for the brothers, even though they are strangers to you. They have told the church about your love. You will do well to send them on their way in a manner worthy of God. It was for the sake of the Name that they went out, receiving no help from the pagans. We ought therefore to show hospitality to such men so that we may work together for the truth. - 3 John 1:5-8

 

 

These three passages are specifically addressing Christians showing hospitality to other Christians.

 

I don't quote these to condemn you, but rather to encourage you to study and apply them. I think rare is the Christian woman who has *never struggled with joyfully showing hospitality to other believers. I sure know I have; perhaps your friend is right now, too. But these passages don't say 'show hospitality to other believers if they show hospitality to you, too'.

 

Be encouraged. I know as I have purposed in my heart to show hospitality to others with joy, I find great enjoyment in my service to others as my service unto the Lord.

 

Ask the Lord to gvie you a heart for service to other saints; at the same time, pray for your friend that the Lord would remove whatever is hindering her from the joy of showing hospitality to others. It really is great to serve others with no expectation of an earthly reward. After all, the Lord of the universe has chosen me as his daughter; it is my reasonable service to show love to other believers.

 

 

Blessings to you. :001_smile:

[katemary63]

some people just are not comfortable entertaining and just rather not entertain or invite people to their home and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I think there is something wrong with calling to invite yourself, often receiving someone else's hospitality and never reciprocating. It's kind of selfish, like, she's willing to let someone else go through the effort and she receives the benefits, but is not willing to do the same for her friends. I don't get that. Where I grew up, if you were invited, you reciprocated in some way. If you can't seem to figure out how to have another family over for an evening, then take them out and pay. Also, I think it's rude to invite yourself into someone else's home for an evening of fun unless you are VERY close with someone and often reciprocate.

 

As far as the OP, I would simply say, "How about your house this time!" I wouldn't avoid the subject at all. Just ask. If she has a reason that makes sense to you, great, now you know. If she is just being lazy and selfish, you'll learn that too by reading between the lines so to speak, and then you can decide if you want to keep hosting her family anyway or not.

[Mommamia]

:iagree:

I think there is something wrong with calling to invite yourself, often receiving someone else's hospitality and never reciprocating. It's kind of selfish, like, she's willing to let someone else go through the effort and she receives the benefits, but is not willing to do the same for her friends. I don't get that. Where I grew up, if you were invited, you reciprocated in some way. If you can't seem to figure out how to have another family over for an evening, then take them out and pay. Also, I think it's rude to invite yourself into someone else's home for an evening of fun unless you are VERY close with someone and often reciprocate.

 

As far as the OP, I would simply say, "How about your house this time!" I wouldn't avoid the subject at all. Just ask. If she has a reason that makes sense to you, great, now you know. If she is just being lazy and selfish, you'll learn that too by reading between the lines so to speak, and then you can decide if you want to keep hosting her family anyway or not.

[sleepymommy]

I don't invite people over to our home. But I also do not invite myself over to others. Whenever I want to get my kids together with others I try to encourage a park playdate. We have been invited over to other people's homes and we do go when invited, but I always feel bad because I know I'm not going to reciprocate.

 

For us, our place is just too small to host any playdates and we have no yard for kids to go out and play in. On top of that, it's not always tidy. The living room, dining room, and kitchen are always clean and tidy, but not necessarily the bedrooms and that's where most of the toys are, plus you have to go through the bedroom to get to the bathroom. It's kind of embarrassing and I'm trying to wait until we get around to buying a house.

[Mrs Mungo]

The question was "what would you do in this situation?" But it wouldn't bother me. I've had friends like this. I've had friends with messy houses who didn't let anybody in. If the friendship is good in other ways, if they are a good friend to me in other ways, if the friendship is important to me then I let the issue go.

[Murphy101]

Does she do nothing?

Altho it's rare for an event to not be at my house, most will usually offer bring something or help in some way. I personally don't care about it, but it is a socially expected thing.

 

So she is inviting herself over and presuming you will feed and entertain them?

 

That's off and odd.

[tricia]

Could it be that maybe she doesn't think her home is a nice as yours? Maybe she feels her furniture is inadequate, maybe she doesn't keep as clean a home as yours, etc. Just throwing out ideas.:bigear:

[Mommamia]

Actually, she talks about how lovely her house is. I was in it once, for the jewelry party. It's a lovely home. I think that it's probably not a black and white thing. There are probably reasons that I just have not figured out yet.

 

Maybe I should not have asked the question, but it has been on my mind. I've never experienced this before. We sometimes have friends who spend more time at our house than we do at theirs. It's not the same thing, I guess I really can't put it into words. Also, it's not very easy when they come over. Their kids can be hard to please.

[Denise in Florida]

This could be me. :tongue_smilie: I really love hanging out with my friends, but I have told them bluntly (with a smile) that I can't handle the hostess thing. It stresses me out (I wish there were an icon of a smilie with its hair on fire). I wish I could, but even with close friends I am comfortable with I am literally sleepless the night before I know someone is coming over.

 

I don't know her situation, it could be something else, but please consider your friendship with grace. Is she otherwise a warm person, does she offer to drive places, does she contribute to friendships in other ways?

[lynn]

I think there is something wrong with calling to invite yourself, often receiving someone else's hospitality and never reciprocating. It's kind of selfish, like, she's willing to let someone else go through the effort and she receives the benefits, but is not willing to do the same for her friends. I don't get that. Where I grew up, if you were invited, you reciprocated in some way. If you can't seem to figure out how to have another family over for an evening, then take them out and pay. Also, I think it's rude to invite yourself into someone else's home for an evening of fun unless you are VERY close with someone and often reciprocate.

 

As far as the OP, I would simply say, "How about your house this time!" I wouldn't avoid the subject at all. Just ask. If she has a reason that makes sense to you, great, now you know. If she is just being lazy and selfish, you'll learn that too by reading between the lines so to speak, and then you can decide if you want to keep hosting her family anyway or not.

 

 

-

[Mommamia]

I thank you all for your feedback and input. I think I'll just wait and figure it out with time....or the right timing to ask her why. I've re-written this a couple of times. With message boards it's hard to have written words expressed the way they are meant to. I have to admit, when I read a couple of responses that assumed that I am not offering her grace or showing Christian sisterly love(I guess?) it made me feel :tongue_smilie:.

 

If she had once said "I don't like entertaining" "I don't feel comfortable having you over" anything like that, I would have understood. I try to be a generous hostess and take into consideration situations. I know their situation, they are financially well off.

 

They have also had us pay for them when out and about in a couple of situations. Again, this is something that I have never experienced with friends. She is always making comments about what someone has bought them or gave them. It's just different than what I am used to or how I do things.

[Carol in Cal.]

I have an acquaintance who had a party for several families and someone sat on one of her chairs outside and the seat broke. (It was old, and probably had been left outside too much--the wicker had gotten very brittle.) So everyone rushed over, and the hostess said, "Oh, don't worry about it. That was just one of my older chairs." Imagine, being more concerned about the chair than the young woman who was climbing out of it!

 

The hostess is a fairly nice person, but definitely has a clueless streak.

 

Wonder whether your neighbor is the same way.

[rookie]

a series of excuses like "maybe they do not like to have people over" or "don't take it personally", etc....

 

What about just basic manners??? It's not a friendship standard. It's basic. How can a person think it is OK to ALWAYS eat/play at a friend's house and NEVER ask them over. That does not make the hosting friend demanding or sensitive for wanting to be invited over occasionally. THat makes the person who never invites RUDE.

 

Can you tell I have been on the hosting end of this situation? :tongue_smilie:

[babysparkler]

email back to her "Could we meet/do this at YOUR house this time - I need to get out of this house/it won't work to come here this time." or words to that effect.

 

I like that response :)

[Murphy101]

a series of excuses like "maybe they do not like to have people over" or "don't take it personally", etc....

 

What about just basic manners??? It's not a friendship standard. It's basic. How can a person think it is OK to ALWAYS eat/play at a friend's house and NEVER ask them over. That does not make the hosting friend demanding or sensitive for wanting to be invited over occasionally. THat makes the person who never invites RUDE.

 

Can you tell I have been on the hosting end of this situation? :tongue_smilie:

 

I know that is a social faux pax, but I don't agree with it.

 

I don't invite people expecting anything other than their good company.

 

I do think it's rude to presume upon another tho. To invite themselves and or to not assist in some manner is presuming to me.

[rookie]

to invite people from time to time - of course you should invite without expectations. It's quite another to regularly host another family and for them to never reciprocate. We had friends who came over for play and a meal at least once a week for two years and NEVER asked us over for anything. Maybe that makes me foolish but it still makes them rude. Friendship and hosting should be a shared, reciprocal experience. Not one sided.

[tex-mex]

I wonder if she's got some issue with having people over? Maybe she's a hoarder? Dirty toilets?? Dead bodies in the basement?

 

:iagree: Dunno 'bout the dead bodies... ack. ;)

[tex-mex]

I'm guilty of this. I know this doesn't apply at all in your situation, but for me, I did not want her kids in my house. They were obnoxious and messy from time to time, and it stressed me out to see her constantly trying to reason with them instead of just saying "stop it."

 

Guilty too of this one -- 'cept I finally caved in and had them over. Never really rested when they came over -- and she NEVER helped. Got to love the kids! They minded me fine at my home. At their home -- another story. LOL The mom was clueless and it was a one sided relationship. Very shallow. Hubby and I ended the friendship after 5 years of drama.

[unsinkable]

This could be me. :tongue_smilie: I really love hanging out with my friends, but I have told them bluntly (with a smile) that I can't handle the hostess thing. It stresses me out (I wish there were an icon of a smilie with its hair on fire). I wish I could, but even with close friends I am comfortable with I am literally sleepless the night before I know someone is coming over.

 

I don't know her situation, it could be something else, but please consider your friendship with grace. Is she otherwise a warm person, does she offer to drive places, does she contribute to friendships in other ways?

 

I have told friends and family that I will transport or cook an entire meal at their house if they host. And I do it!

 

This summer, I made a point to start cleaning out my basement so the kids can go somewhere & the adults can be in the living room.

 

It has taken me a while to be able to do this. I was very lucky to have friends/family that understand.

[unsinkable]

a series of excuses like "maybe they do not like to have people over" or "don't take it personally", etc....

 

What about just basic manners??? It's not a friendship standard. It's basic. How can a person think it is OK to ALWAYS eat/play at a friend's house and NEVER ask them over. That does not make the hosting friend demanding or sensitive for wanting to be invited over occasionally. THat makes the person who never invites RUDE.

 

Can you tell I have been on the hosting end of this situation? :tongue_smilie:

 

Because sometimes in this world we carry those we love and sometimes they carry us.

[rookie]

"Because sometimes in this world we carry those we love and sometimes they carry us."

 

 

But it's not too much to ask that they offer a glass of water once in a while as you carry them.

[eternalknot]

Friendship and hosting should be a shared, reciprocal experience. Not one sided.

 

Agreed.

 

So the question for the OP, then, is: Is this isolated aspect of the friendship (the unreciprocated hosting) an indicator of the relationship at large? That is, - is the entire friendship feeling one-sided? OR, is it just this one part of the friendship that feels one-sided ...

 

If it's a friendship worth keeping, I'd approach the situation from the same angle she has. Simply ask when you can come over. If she hems and haws, take that as an opportunity to ask the burning question.

 

Maybe her kids are atrocious at her home, and she's worried about how that might play out (not good about sharing, fighting, etc.) -- which is a valid reason to want to avoid hosting, but not an altogether successful way to address the issue! Have you noticed if it's just YOU she doesn't reciprocate with, or if this reciprocation is an issue in general with her?

 

Maybe she just is one of those folks who feels entitled to things. Not necessarily in a selfish, bratty way but perhaps in a self-absorbed-just-doesn't-occur-to-her-to-think-about-others kind of way. I have inlaws like that. Clueless about social etiquette, but never intending to be rude. They're just not very aware of anything beyond their immediate bubble. Even when you point it out. They pretty much have to be hit over the head with social etiquette, but the flip side is that they're rarely offended by it :D

[unsinkable]

"Because sometimes in this world we carry those we love and sometimes they carry us."

 

 

But it's not too much to ask that they offer a glass of water once in a while as you carry them.

 

:grouphug:

[Mommamia]

Agreed.

 

So the question for the OP, then, is: Is this isolated aspect of the friendship (the unreciprocated hosting) an indicator of the relationship at large? That is, - is the entire friendship feeling one-sided? OR, is it just this one part of the friendship that feels one-sided ...

 

If it's a friendship worth keeping, I'd approach the situation from the same angle she has. Simply ask when you can come over. If she hems and haws, take that as an opportunity to ask the burning question.

 

Maybe her kids are atrocious at her home, and she's worried about how that might play out (not good about sharing, fighting, etc.) -- which is a valid reason to want to avoid hosting, but not an altogether successful way to address the issue! Have you noticed if it's just YOU she doesn't reciprocate with, or if this reciprocation is an issue in general with her?

 

Maybe she just is one of those folks who feels entitled to things. Not necessarily in a selfish, bratty way but perhaps in a self-absorbed-just-doesn't-occur-to-her-to-think-about-others kind of way. I have inlaws like that. Clueless about social etiquette, but never intending to be rude. They're just not very aware of anything beyond their immediate bubble. Even when you point it out. They pretty much have to be hit over the head with social etiquette, but the flip side is that they're rarely offended by it :D

 

I have noticed that we are the only ones that have them over and I have not heard of them having anyone over (other than their extended family). I don't believe it is about us. I have noticed there are other things that they are one sided in (we always have to drive for example). I think that she may think that people need to take care of her. Just guessing.

[Murphy101]

I can't help but note that this is entirely within your control.

If you don't mind occassionaly having them over, then make a note on the calendar to do so once a month or so.

At other times, when she presumes, simply state that you'll have to talk to your dh or look at your schedule or whatever excuse you prefer that boils down to "sorry not this time".

 

If she cannot be friends with you unless you are catering to her, then she will soon find someone else.

 

However, if she wants the friendship to continue, she will make an effort on her part.

[Mommamia]

I can't help but note that this is entirely within your control.

If you don't mind occassionaly having them over, then make a note on the calendar to do so once a month or so.

At other times, when she presumes, simply state that you'll have to talk to your dh or look at your schedule or whatever excuse you prefer that boils down to "sorry not this time".

 

If she cannot be friends with you unless you are catering to her, then she will soon find someone else.

 

However, if she wants the friendship to continue, she will make an effort on her part.

 

Yes! That's just what I was thinking. Actually, that is just what I've been doing. You summed it up perfectly.

 

I just was curious as to what others might do in this situation.:001_smile:

[gardening momma]

I understand that she might not want the stress of having to clean and prepare to have others over, but that's just part of having friends. I cannot imagine always only going over to someone elses home and never inviting them back...whatever the reason. We have other friends and we all go back in forth with invitations. :001_huh:

Does she have pets, and do any of you have allergies? We went to someone's house for dinner once, and I'd love to have them here, but we have cats, and I know they have bad allergies to cats. So I can't have them over at all. Although I might try to have them over and do an outdoor cookout next summer.

[joannqn]

Perhaps your house is always tidier than hers and she would be embaressed for you to see it a mess. Or it could be that her kids just LOVE coming to your house where there are different toys/activities, etc. I agree with the suggestion to email her back asking to do it at her house this time for whatever reason sounds good. You'll never know until you ask.

:iagree:

 

 

My house is embarrassingly old, run down, filthy (too old to get clean), and cluttered. I'm VERY selective about who I allow in my house. There are a few people I know that I would NEVER ever ever consider inviting over. I'm working towards the clutter issue but we simply can't fix the other issues without the money that we don't have.

 

I have a friend who only does play dates at her house. She finds it too stressful to load up six kids so she doesn't. If you want to see her, you have to go to her. She's well-loved and has many friends and many visitors despite this.

 

So, I've seen and understand both ways.

[katemary63]

:iagree:

 

 

My house is embarrassingly old, run down, filthy (too old to get clean), and cluttered. I'm VERY selective about who I allow in my house. There are a few people I know that I would NEVER ever ever consider inviting over. I'm working towards the clutter issue but we simply can't fix the other issues without the money that we don't have.

 

I understand this completely. But if this were the case and a friend had you over repeatedly, wouldn't you say something? Wouldn't you explain how much you would like to repicrocate but just can't due to these issues and then apologize, express thanks that she does all the hosting, and often bring lots of food with you?