Need to vent and you'll see why

[Alicia64]

Hi Everyone,

 

In a nutshell, I went out for drinks and appetizers w/ a friend who I really liked (past tense) but don't see that often because our kids don't get along.

 

At the last minute, she invited someone to join us which didn't bother me at all. (I had comped tix for a lecture and gave them each one. They both wanted to see the lecture.)

 

After the lecture we had margs and food and one of them brought up homeschooling. I kept it light and said it was going well and that I just had been given some really neat new ideas from another homeschooler. That was it.

 

I could see them making eye contact across the table and almost, not actually, but almost rolling their eyes while making eye contact. Like I couldn't see it happening right in front of me.

 

I won't go into detail, but it seemed obvious that they'd discussed the fact that I was homeschooling before we all met up for the evening. The other woman didn't even know me, but seemed to know a lot about me. (I also have a 1/4 time job that I do from my home and they "wondered" how I was able to fit it all in. It's work that's hard, but looks glamorous to others; my husband says they're jealous.)

 

My boys started karate a few months ago and we all LOVE the teacher. He's awesome w/ kids. The other mom said something like, "isn't that really competitive? Like, don't you have to go every day or something like that?"

 

Um, no. It has everything to do w/ the teacher. And we go twice a week.

 

Then she started going on about how "everyone" is in soccer. We're not. How everyone in her smallish community does soccer. She said it several times.

 

Are we in 8th grade??? The thing that bugged me the most is that my friend had pulled her boy out of a competitive school in Kinder and put him into Waldorf and was concerned about being judged for it. Even though I'm not doing a Waldorf curriculum, I've always been very supportive and positive about her decision.

 

So, that she's clearly discussing me and homeschooling behind my back floored me.

 

From a deeper perspective: I need to be choosier w/ friends. I hate to think that I can only have homeschool friends, for crying out loud, but I am going to be more careful about choosing people who are supportive and caring vs. whatever it was that I got a dose of Friday night.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Do I feel better? Not really. (The sad thing is that I'd been looking forward to the evening for awhile and really was hoping for a fun time.)

 

Alley

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I hate it when you feel like you've been talked to behind your back.

[Alicia64]

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I wish I had skills to better defend myself, verbally, when this sort of thing happens. Any tips for dealing with this kind of thing?

 

To make matters worse, I don't see well in the dark so my friend had driven and I couldn't just claim a stomach ache or whatever and drive home.

 

Won't be doing that again.

 

Alley

[Ginevra]

Alley, I'm sorry that happened. :grouphug: Most of us probably have a similar situation under our belts. I had a buddy I used to go out with almost every week. Now, we never get together anymore. I miss the going-out part more than I miss the actual friend, but it still hurts that she turned on me. Some people can't seem to get away from thinking my homeschooling is somehow an indictment of them for not homeschooling.

Edited September 27, 2009 by Ginevra
grammar goof

[secular_mom]

Hugs, situations like that stink big time. It's one of the reasons I have distanced myself from MOST people. I am very weary of sharing any personal information with 'friends' and acquaintances, as it seems most times anything I do share is used against me in some way. I detest gossipy 'friends'.

[kpupg]

Then she started going on about how "everyone" is in soccer. We're not. How everyone in her smallish community does soccer. She said it several times.

 

Ugh. I would probably have blurted out something like "I'm glad I don't live there -- sounds really boring." Sorry you had this experience. People can be so ... yah.

 

Karen

[hsmom3tn]

Feeling like people have been discussing you behind your back is one of the worst feelings. :(

 

This is our 8th year of homeshooling and I no longer have any "friends" that don't homeschool. Not purposely, it just ended up that way. There were a few that I stopped talking to because of our differences in opinion (we couldn't agree to disagree) and knowing that they were talking about me behind my back. Other friendships just faded because we never seemed to have the time to do things together, or just didn't have much in common.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible to have friends that don't homeschool - it just hasn't happened for me. :(

[Guest sarathan]

Ugh, that really stinks. I've also been in a couple of situations where it was very obvious that I had been talked about behind my back.... not about homeschooling, but other things. It's extrememly unnerving. *hugs* :)

[hsmom3tn]

Some people can't seem to get away from thinking my homeschooling is somehow an indictment of them for not homeschooling.

 

That is so true.

Many times I have tried to have a conversation with someone I've just met who doesn't homeschool; and as soon as they find out that we homeschool, they immediately start defending the fact that their kids go to public school. I don't understand this. :confused:

[Garga]

You poor dear.

 

So sad for you to have to go through this. Way back in my twenties, I went through a time when I was gossipy. I just happened to have friends like that and we all talked about each other. But I still loved my friends, even when we gossiped. So, she probably still loves you and didn't really mean to be cruel.

 

However, I currently have surrounded myself with people who do NOT gossip and I'm proud to say that I make a point of NOT gossiping behind people's backs. I like myself a lot better when I'm not being a gossip!

Edited September 27, 2009 by Garga

[Garga]

as soon as they find out that we homeschool, they immediately start defending the fact that their kids go to public school. I don't understand this. :confused:

 

I'm just thinking aloud here, but maybe next time this happens, we could interrupt the person and say, "Let's make a deal--I'll never judge you about public school if you never judge me about homeschool. Deal?"

[dangermom]

Wow, that is really stinky. Bummer. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And after you'd given them free tickets to an event! They were rude on so many levels I can't even count them!

[Alicia64]

Garga ~ I appreciate what you're saying. But this sort of thing has happened before and I looked the other way hoping it was an isolated incident.

 

We all did things like this in our 20's. Learning not to gossip is a standard thing to learn in your 20's. This woman is 37 years old. If I thought this wasn't an ingrained part of her personality, I might be more inclined to take the higher road and talk to her like you're suggesting.

 

DangerMom ~ Thank you, that's how I felt. When somebody gives you free tickets to a $50 event, you don't trash them before you even meet.

 

The thing that bothers me most of all is that she's not coming from a truly concerned place. She doesn't really care that I homeschool or not. She's just gossiping for entertainment value.

 

I think I would be less irritated if I thought she genuinely cared and thought I was doing the wrong thing.

 

I think she definitely takes it personally -- as if my homeschooling says something bad about her.

 

Alley

[starwarsmomma]

wow!

 

I had a friend tell me the other day, "you know, your kids are NORMAL! Most homeshooled kids are freaks, but yours aren't!" I thought, gee, thanks! LOL

 

There's some nasty stereotypes about homeschooled kids. It's hard to break through that to find the truth. Some people just aren't willing to do that.

 

Sorry about your experience. Sounds to me like she wasn't a good friend, or she wouldn't have done that.

 

I too have noticed that many friends have seemed to not drift away, more like run away . At frist, I thought God was housecleaning-- getting things ready for even better friendships, but I don't know.

 

I'm starting to wonder if we have Body odor or something... LOL

[LauraGB]

 

I think she definitely takes it personally -- as if my homeschooling says something bad about her.

 

Alley

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. I get this same sort of thing not from my friends, but from my inlaws. They like to exchange those "knowing looks" when they ask "how's school?" The all have children about the same age as ours. What I've learned over the years to perfect is the the "smile". You know the one; its the one that makes it seem as though I think they are entertaining. You just smile and say nothing, looking thoroughly interested in where they will go next with what's going on. Its insulting without you having to say a single word, or even really do anything but smile.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry, and it totally stinks. It might be best to just leave the ball in this friend's court. You are who you are, you ideals are what they are, and you really don't need anyone in your life who is facetious enough to do this sort of thing.

Edited September 27, 2009 by LauraGB

[Rosie_0801]

I've been told that I lack tact, but I'd have asked why they were rolling their eyes.

 

Rosie

[MIch elle]

Some people can't seem to get away from thinking my homeschooling is somehow an indictment of them for not homeschooling.

 

:iagree:

[Desert Rat]

That stinks, Alley. The 8th grader in me would have called them some choice names and left them, hopefully stranded for a ride. Lucky thing I've evolved. :o

[kalanamak]

 

I could see them making eye contact across the table and almost, not actually, but almost rolling their eyes while making eye contact. Like I couldn't see it happening right in front of me.

 

 

 

This is the childish gambit of making closeness by having an "other" to exclude. You were the other. Yuck, yuck, yuck, and I hate it, too. It makes me want to kick shins, especially when I meet one of them days or months later and they are so chummy. They insult my long-term memory, as well.

[Annie Laurie]

What's that quote- Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

 

I would have felt hurt too, I'm sorry that happened. I didn't have a friend treat me like that over hsing, but I did have a friendship that seemed to slowly dissolve after she put her kids in PS and I started hsing.

[ConnieB]

 

From a deeper perspective: I need to be choosier w/ friends. I hate to think that I can only have homeschool friends, for crying out loud, but I am going to be more careful about choosing people who are supportive and caring vs. whatever it was that I got a dose of Friday night.

 

 

 

Alley

 

What's wrong with having the majority (or even all) of your closest friends being homeschoolers? If you were one of those soccer moms that your "friend" talked about, don't they all tend to hang out together. Or if you are deeply involved in something else, church, karate, sports, politics....don't you tend to have a lot of your friends be involved in the same things?

 

For our family, homeschooling isn't just something we do....it IS our life. Almost all decisions we make, and all things we do, come from the perspective of how it will fit into our homeschooling life. Therefore, we tend to have probably 95% of our friends be homeschooling as well. It's just what fits for us. When I was a lawyer, most of my friends were either also lawyers, or court staff or cops (I did criminal law too). I had a few other friends, but the core group, or at least the largest group fell into the category of "work related". Once I had kids a lot of those folks started falling away because their life still revolved around getting a drink after work or going out to dinner (hard to do when you're the only one with an infant).....and started revolving around folks with kids. Now it's homeschoolers....and I imagine in a few years it's going to be retirees, lol.

 

This season of your life appears to be like mine....it revolves around my kids, their education and our family life. So our friends fit in there as well. The ones that don't fall into that category seem to still fit in, but they're definitely requiring more "work" to fit in....in other words, we tend to put other parts of our life on hold to spend a day/weekend with them, whereas other homeschoolers just come over and hang out while we finish up school or ride along with us while I drop off/pick up a kid, lol.

[nono]

If she's acting like your homeschooling is an indictment of her kids PSing (verb?), then she deep down believes that her kids should be homeschooled. And, she's not stepping up. That's what I think.

 

That we're "brave" enough to do this scares the heck out of some people. (I'm teaching K -- yeah, that's brave. :confused: ) The fact that we do this makes people think, and some prefer not to do so. The fact that collectively we're very successful really makes some people jealous. The non-homeschooling friends you can keep are secure in their choices, and genuinely understand that choosing a different path can be successful.

 

:grouphug: What a lousy situation. Kudos to you for not having an extra drink and telling them off (probably what I would have done!).

[Tree House Academy]

I am so sorry your evening turned out that way. My father in law made a comment just this evening that rubbed me the wrong way. He has never been a fan of our homeschooling. However, one thing that really helps me is knowing that my dh and I are 100% for it. I have nothing to "prove" to the other person who *made* these children with me...so it is all good! :) No matter what you do, others are going to talk about it. It is just part of chosing the road less traveled. *hugs*

[Nestof3]

:grouphug: I'm sorry -- that does sound horrible. I hope you find some supportive friends.

[woolybear]

Oh, yuck! I'm so sorry! Wish you were here....we could hang out, have tea or whatever and NO judgment. (Alright, an aside here....that spelling looks wrong, but that's what the spell check is telling me. I feel so silly. I should be able to spell for goodness sake. I *thought* I could. How do you spell that word?)

 

I know all about that feeling of having been talked about, but not have people say it to your face. That happens with my family sometimes. I try to have a thick skin and know how to avoid certain conversations. Not easy. Also, this was supposed to be a friend!

 

Well, here's a great big :grouphug: and vent all you want. It's good to do that sometimes.]

 

Woolybear

[EKS]

That is so true.

Many times I have tried to have a conversation with someone I've just met who doesn't homeschool; and as soon as they find out that we homeschool, they immediately start defending the fact that their kids go to public school. I don't understand this. :confused:

 

YES! Defending or apologizing for...

 

The one that sticks in my mind is my former neighbor who has two sons with extreme special needs (one with apraxia of speech and the other with very disabling cerebral palsy). After we had both moved away from the neighborhood we shared, we met in the grocery store. She asked where my son was going to school, and I explained about the homeschooling thing. She actually apologized for not homeschooling her boys. Like I was judging her for using the resources available in the school district! Oh my goodness! I have so much respect for this woman for her ability to deal with what life has dealt her. No judgment here.

[forevergrace]

I really feel for you, and can hear your anger. Last year when I decided to teach classical ed. to dd, I was met w/much resistance and odd looks at our hs group. Also, I was asked when did I decide to become religious? I have always been more of disciplined educator w/dd, and expected her to do school work every day. But, when I read the WTM I decided that I wanted dd to have core beliefs, read amazing literature, and so much more. You would of thought I dropped a bomb on some of my hs friends.

 

I realized later that I have to surround myself w/positive, supportive, and caring people. For me, when I start feeling defensive, I have to ask myself; what is it that I need to prove to this person, and what buttons are they pushing.

 

Much easier said then done. Just like you, I want to let them know how great, hard, and rewarding homeschooling is. Your friend may have feelings about not being able to hs their children, and feel jealous that you are.

 

Thinking of you,

Forevergrace

[Jean in Newcastle]

Both of them sound insecure. Your friend was insecure (as we often are with new things) when she put her son in the Waldorf school. Her friend sounds insecure when faced with anyone who makes decisions different than her own: homeschooling, working at home, karate instead of soccer. . . I think I would tend to just say something along the lines of "Isn't it great, that you've found what works for you and your family?" But I wouldn't be inclined to spend more time with them. You need to find people who like your for who you are, not for making choices that match their own.

[Alicia64]

Thanks to every one of you!

 

Kalan ~ Yes! What you said about "insulting long term memory." Totally. She's going to behave as if nothing occurred.

 

Connie ~ You make a good point. I'm still new to hs and didn't think that I'd "lose" my ps friends. Oh, I knew some wouldn't be cool w/ the decision, but I didn't expect this particular mom to care at all.

 

But, yes, you're right. It may be the time to hang with friends who get why I've chosen this path. So much less to explain.

 

Forever ~ It's horrible to think that we even judge each other within the hs culture. Hello? We're hsing so that we can make our own choices.

 

Thank you, everyone, I really do feel better.

 

Alley

[kdeno]

for sharing so candidly. :grouphug: Your humility encouraged me to examine my own life.

 

Kari

 

 

You poor dear.

 

So sad for you to have to go through this. Way back in my twenties, I went through a time when I was gossipy. I just happened to have friends like that and we all talked about each other. But I still loved my friends, even when we gossiped. So, she probably still loves you and didn't really mean to be cruel.

 

However, I currently have surrounded myself with people who do NOT gossip and I'm proud to say that I make a point of NOT gossiping behind people's backs. I like myself a lot better when I'm not being a gossip!

[Mom In Missouri]

Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it. ~ Belgicia Howell

 

New to homeschooling or not, there are some people that surround themselves with others who resemble or immulate their personal values. Most often it's for self assurance needs and other times because of a lack of a multi faceted life. That makes me sad for them.

 

We're in our fifth year. I enjoy diversity and variety, but there are some that are so right in knowing their own life purpose it overshadows the fact that it doesn't mean everyone's purpose is a carbon copy of their own. It's not always to be hurtful, but it can certainly end up that way.

 

Friends who are supportive and genuinely interested in you achieving your specific goals and life purpose are ones to seek out. Move this friendship to the 'surface only' category and consider it a lesson learned--albeit the hard way.

 

:grouphug:

[Alicia64]

Thanks Mom in MO ~ I'm a relatively laid back person. Not much ruffles me with friends. I understand being a mom is hard work and I cut my friends tons of slack.

 

But this went over the top. I like your idea of putting her to the surface!

 

Thanks again everyone. I'm so impressed with the level of homeschool moms (and dads). Very thoughtful, intelligent, independent people.

 

Alley

[Aubrey]

If it comes up again, pull a B'fast at Tiffany's. Just slip out to the bathroom & then slip out & be done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lol: Sometimes I *so* wish I had the guts to go w/ the ideas I have for other people. When it's me, I just stare & gape. Sorry!

[angela in ohio]

I agree with your dh. ;)

 

Some people are easily threatened by others making different choices.

[CherylG]

 

 

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Do I feel better? Not really. (The sad thing is that I'd been looking forward to the evening for awhile and really was hoping for a fun time.)

 

Alley

Dear Alley,

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" You were looking forward to this night and the connection that it offered; so of course you feel bad about the way it turned out.

 

Your children are so young. You don't have a lot of homeschooling time under your belt. :) I think you were wise to just keep your mouth shut. Even though I have graduated two from high school and college, I still keep a low profile when talking with non-homeschoolers.

 

You've been friends with that one woman a long time, you said. Maybe that other woman was a new friendship for her, and the "How do you know her?" question came up. She answered and was kind of bragging about you homeschooling but then the other woman, that was obsessed that all had to play soccer, got nervous and started judging your lifestyle because you didn't do what every one else did.

 

Maybe you should talk to your friend.

[elegantlion]

I've been told that I lack tact, but I'd have asked why they were rolling their eyes.

 

Rosie

 

If you add a wide eyed stare and a smile those questions can come across as innocent instead of tactless. ;) We could probably get in a whole lot of trouble together, but I bet we'd have fun.

[sunshine]

What a pain. In many ways too. I hate being disappointed in friends, finding out they are not who you loved.

 

I used to get soooo irritated at people who had something negative or worse the "knowing" attitude, and felt like I had to prove that what I was doing was the right thing. Fortunately, time tends to bring people around or down whichever is needed. Having graduated 3, I can honestly say that the comments are nothing but positive from everyone who knows me. It is only the ones who I have just met that I want to box in the head to give them some sense.. but I digress.

 

Your choices will be proven in time, do exactly what you think is right for you and say it loud and proud!! Even a little mockingly if you are anything like me..which I hope you are not cuz I am not a sweetie!!:D

[Saille]

If you add a wide eyed stare and a smile those questions can come across as innocent instead of tactless. ;) We could probably get in a whole lot of trouble together, but I bet we'd have fun.

 

My MIL does exactly that, and it works. Also, if someone says something really rude, she asks, "What did you say?" in the same wide-eyed, smiling way. A lot of times they don't have the chutzpah to repeat it.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Both of them sound insecure. Your friend was insecure (as we often are with new things) when she put her son in the Waldorf school. Her friend sounds insecure when faced with anyone who makes decisions different than her own: homeschooling, working at home, karate instead of soccer. . . I think I would tend to just say something along the lines of "Isn't it great, that you've found what works for you and your family?" But I wouldn't be inclined to spend more time with them. You need to find people who like your for who you are, not for making choices that match their own.

This would be My response.

 

Dear Alley,

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" You were looking forward to this night and the connection that it offered; so of course you feel bad about the way it turned out.

 

 

Maybe you should talk to your friend.

I found this to be excellent advice. At least you would Know where you stand by her answer or lack thereof

 

If it comes up again, pull a B'fast at Tiffany's. Just slip out to the bathroom & then slip out & be done.

 

:lol: Sometimes I *so* wish I had the guts to go w/ the ideas I have for other people. When it's me, I just stare & gape. Sorry!

But this is my favorite answer :D

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry they ruined your outing. I know those are valuable for us competitive child raising, home schoolinging rebels! I have to say, after that description, I'd be very happy Not to be playing soccer, living in that neighborhood, or sending dc off to those schools...I smell jealousy.

[PineFarmMom]

Dear Alley,

 

Your children are so young. You don't have a lot of homeschooling time under your belt. :) I think you were wise to just keep your mouth shut. Even though I have graduated two from high school and college, I still keep a low profile when talking with non-homeschoolers.

 

.

 

I'm seeing the wisdom of that the more I go along. It's best just not to discuss it. It doesn't matter how cozy and wonderful I make it sound, some people just do. not. like. it!!

[PineFarmMom]

 

 

:lol: Sometimes I *so* wish I had the guts to go w/ the ideas I have for other people. When it's me, I just stare & gape. Sorry!

 

Me too!! I hate that I stare and gape, but I so do...the brilliant responses come while I'm dwelling on the encounter later on, never in the moment. ;)

[Tess in the Burbs]

I didn't want our kids to only have homeschool friends but it's happened. It's such a weird situation(homeschooling) for some people to accept and they never can find anything else to think about when around us ;-)

 

My kids do play with the neighbor kids but as adults we just really try not to talk about school. One is a teacher and I do really want to hear about the system but she rarely asks us about our day. We won't ever be close b/c of that "homeschool" thing, lol.

 

on the other hand...we are doing a fun coop this year and I am finding that I don't want to be friends with a lot of the homeschool parents either! it's almost like you have to do what they are doing or you are wrong!

 

so yes be choosy but realize you may end up friends with people that homeschool in the style you do with kids doing the same activities :-) We wanted more diversity but just aren't finding people open minded enough anywhere to hang out with.

 

but the friends I do have...I love them dearly!!!