Mother-in-Law S/O -- What do you want out of a mother-in-law?

[Rebecca VA]

For some reason the threads about mothers-in-law really upset me. Maybe it's because I never had a mother-in-law (my husband's mom died when he was a child). I haven't had a mom since I was nine. I would absolutely ~love~ to have had either or both, but that wasn't to be.

 

I also have a son who's 18, and it may not be too many more years before I'll be a MIL myself (no prospects on the horizon yet, thankfully!). So I want to know how to be a good one. I want to know what daughters-in-law want out of a MIL, and what they don't want.

 

So what would your ideal MIL be like -- not what you would like out of your current one, but what an ideal one would be like? Would she stay out of your life entirely (maybe live 3,000 miles away)? Would she live close by? Would she give you advice (in a polite and respectful way), or keep her mouth shut totally? Would you like her to treat you as her own dear daughter, or keep her distance? If she were disabled in some way, would you feel it was your place to care for her, or would you want to stay away?

 

Would there be any feeling of not needing another mother (because you have your own mom), and so the MIL just becomes a *woman* that you're really too busy to deal with? I'm just throwing things out there.

 

Sometimes reading the MIL threads on this board, I have a horrible feeling of dread for the time when my own children will be married. I'm afraid my future son- and daughter-in-law will despise me the way so many MILs here are despised. I'm afraid that the things I say and do will be misinterpreted and cause them to get angry. I love my children so much, and I would love for them to marry spouses who will love my husband and me and want to spend time with us. It would break my heart to find out my daughter-in-law was telling the world my faults (real and imagined) on a public chatroom.

[LibraryLover]

Sweet thread! I Heart my MIL!

Edited September 26, 2009 by LibraryLover

[mom2koh]

:grouphug:

 

Just be respectful of your child's future spouse.

 

My MIL problems stem from her inserting herself into our lives when she's not welcome and trying to be in charge. MIL tries all the time to discipline out children, has gone so far as to twist situations to FIL that he demanded my dh to file for divorce. Thankfully dh knows their antics and won't acknowledge them. The funniest thing about dh and myself is when we sought counseling we went to the counsler and told her we were OK as a couple but needed help dealing with dh's mom.

 

I tend to think a lot of people with MIL problems expereince what their spouses grew up with. For me it was dh was used to his mom being controlling and manipulative but he had learned to tune it out. I was new and not used to this so I rebelled and still do! :lol:

 

I promised ds (2yo) the day he was born I would love and accept whomever he married! I repeat that promise to him every birthday (only 2 so far but I will continue to do it!). :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

I would like a mother in law who treated her son and his missus as though she actually liked them. I would like a mother in law who wants to be part of our family on our terms, understanding that we do things our way for well thought our reasons that are not a criticism of her. If she does not agree with us, she should mention it, then leave the topic alone, humouring us, unless she has some new and well thought out reason for bringing it up again. She would make some effort in understanding our point of view. I'm ok with "I think that's weird, but hey at least you've thought about it." I'm not ok with "you shouldn't do that, and no I'm not interested in what you have to say about it." She should be a grandparent to our children, and have fun with that. She would understand the concept of "grandma rules" and not cross the line into undermining us or trying to "fill the gaps." Ideally she'd be the sort of person I wouldn't mind turning up unannounced, because she wouldn't get offended if I told her it wasn't a convenient time, wouldn't mind chatting while I put the washing on the line, and would say something pleasant like "looks like everyone's been having fun" if the house looked like a bomb site. She'd be the sort of person who I'd feel like dropping in on because we actually like each other, and she's been good enough to childproof her home just in case we dropped in. She'd be a person we trust in our "inner circle" and felt comfortable to share ourselves with.

 

Rosie

Edited September 26, 2009 by Rosie_0801

[Scarlett]

Rebecca, I worry too. I have one child---a son. I want to be a good MIL so that they WANT me in their life. I've looked around a lot as the years have gone by and I see all kinds of situations.

 

Basically, it is about boundaries. Respect, kindness. My MIL is the worst of the worst. She didn't attend our wedding. She tried to have our wedding announcment in our small town retracted (we were both of age). She told my mom she would pray for our marriage to fail. She told me she gave us 6 months. She is cruel about me and my family and my religion. The first thing she said when we told her I was pregnant was 'oh no he will be raised as a (my religion).'

 

She has no natural affection or love toward her 2 grandchildren and very little toward her own sons. Our son is a joy and yet she will say things like 'don't let him wear his hair like that it makes his ears look big!' Or once when he was 6 and dancing to some music in the mall she made some comment about him being weird and trying to copy Michael Jackson (which whatever, but ds had never heard of MJ)

 

Stbxh has been out of this house since June and she didn't find out for about 2 months. In all that time she has not made one call to check on me or ds.

 

DILs just want to be accepted. They want to be appreciated. They want their MILs to love her because her son has chosen her to be his wife.

[Harriet Vane]

My in-laws are truly lovely people, and I have always been glad to have them in my life.

 

They have never spoken an unkind word to me intentionally. Never.

 

They have welcomed me into their lives from day one.

 

They have accepted my quirks and my foibles.

 

They have also accepted my freakishly unhappy and dysfunctional family.

 

They compliment me.

 

They adore their grandchildren and lavish them with affection, praise, time, and gifts. (Okay, too many gifts, LOL.)

 

When we have made choices that are difficult to accept, they have gone to great lengths to understand, accept, and even participate. For example, they were concerned when we chose to move to a neighborhood that is low-income, urban, high crime, and wherein we are the racial minority by far. My in-laws had many calm conversations with us about this, and have never hesitated to come to our neighborhood and even to get to know our neighbors personally. They were also concerned about homeschooling but again, have talked it through calmly, accepted, even participated.

 

They have been generous with their home and their money--more so than we would ever ask or expect.

 

Our relationship hasn't always been perfect, but any small difficulties along the way have been easily worked through because underlying it all is love and acceptance.

 

I hope I can be as lovely to my children's spouses someday.

[patchfire]

I think what I would like most from my mother in law is if she made an effort to "speak my language." She and I are very different people, and I have tried many times to "get" her, but I still feel like we are speaking two different languages. Overall, I have fewer complaints about my mother in law than my dh's father (note the shift in phrasing!).

 

Based on my experiences with that man, here's how to be a great in-law.

 

1. Don't yell about how much you hate the girls your son is dating... while he's on the telephone with them, and they can hear you.

 

2. Be excited that they're getting married! Tell your son how happy you are for him, and help plan where asked. Smile for the wedding photographs.

 

3. Don't spread rumors at your workplace (where your daughter in law's mother also works) about how your daughter in law got pregnant to make sure your son wouldn't file for divorce. Don't talk about how the baby is showing traits solely from your side of the family. Don't take a four month old grandbaby out of your house to show the neighbors without both parents' permission.

 

4. Read the signs. If your child is pulling farther away, or you're getting invitations to see your child but not your child's family, something's wrong. Be humble enough to ask - it may not be you, but it may very well be. If your child says that something needs to change, or an apology needs to happen, try to give it. Don't sacrifice your relationship on the altar of Being Right.

[Rosie_0801]

DILs just want to be accepted. They want to be appreciated. They want their MILs to love her because her son has chosen her to be his wife.

 

That's pretty much it, isn't it? If you don't know why your son is with a girl, go ahead and ask! Then cross your fingers that she really is that great, and look for examples to prove his point.

 

I was pondering on this sort of thing after I had my son too. It seems the best way to continue a relationship with your adult son is to treat him like an adult, act as though you like his partner and cook him the desserts his missus can't or won't cook. I asked dh's friends about my theory and they agreed that'd be nice.

 

Rosie- who wonders if Strider's inlaws would like to adopt my hubby...

[Evergreen State Sue]

My mom passed away 5 years before I even knew my husband. I was so blessed to get another wonderful mom when I married my dh. She considered me her other daughter from the first and would refer to me as her daughter-in-love. She always had kind words to say about me, but then again, she was the kind of person who would always have kind and encouraging words to say to anyone. My in-laws lived about 30 minutes away and we spent most of our holidays and birthdays together. If we had another place we needed to be, they were fully supportive and understanding. We always greeted with hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and we left the same way with my mil adding "We sure do love you!"

 

I sure do miss them. They have been with the Lord now for almost 4 years. I hope I can be the same great mil if I'm so blessed with a sil or dil.

[LisaKinVA]

My ideal MIL would:

 

1) Put the best interests of her children ahead of her own desires.

2) Request instead of demand.

3) Respect that my children are MINE and decisions regarding them are not hers to make.

4) Not assume that because she's Shaun's mother she has a RIGHT to know everything about our lives, and that we are entitled to our privacy.

5) Think before she speaks... if SHE wouldn't want to hear about it from HER mother-in-law or mother, I probably don't care to, either.

 

I don't think there is anything about any of this that would be asking too much.

 

My MIL has improved greatly in the past few years -- however for the first 9 years of our marriage (especially the first 5, when we lived in the same town) it. was. horrible. Mind you, Shaun and I were 30 when we married, too. However, here is a sample of what my MIL has done:

 

1) Let herself into our home on a Saturday morning (no phone call, no knock... and being newlyweds dh and I were otherwise occupied -- thinking we were "safe" to "do as we wanted" "wherever we wanted" in our own home :001_huh:

 

2) Calling the house at all hours (after 10pm, before 6am), and when we didn't answer the phone at 6:00am (because we turned the phone in our room OFF due to the calls at all hours), she drove over to our house, and rang the doorbell and banged on the door until we answered... demanding to know why we didn't answer the phone. :tongue_smilie:

 

3) Calling the house at 9pm to tell us she was coming over and to make sure our newborn son was awake so she could PLAY with him (he was asleep)

 

4) Inviting us to dinner on Sunday, and then calling back and asking me what I would be cooking :glare:.

 

5) Refusing to allow the grandchildren to open gifts at their house on Christmas Eve, and stating that if her grandkids wanted their presents they would have to come over on Christmas morning.

 

6) Showing up to my BIL's wedding with a dress for my 3yo daughter to wear (we were already dressed for the wedding, and no one told me there would be a dress for my daughter who was NOT in the wedding to wear which didn't coordinate with our family's outfits, and then raising holy hell because I refused to dress HER grandaughter in the dress she spent all night making so ALL of her grandchildren would be dressed alike (well, not including her two grandsons) And THEN telling the photographer not to bother taking photos of our family at the wedding, because she "already had photos of us wearing THOSE clothes." :confused: Oh, and to this day she talks about how she doesn't understand why there was no photo of our family at the wedding. :lol:

 

These are just a few of the major highlights in a 9 year period, and doesn't include a long list of other things throughout the years. But, like I said, she has gotten MUCH, MUCH better. Moving away was the absolutely BEST thing we did for the family. Now, if she would stop telling my husband that he had better get fixed, and telling me how I'm getting "too old" for babies.... and that I'd "better not" have any more (my poor husband has told her that saying things like THAT to me pretty much ensures there WILL be another baby :D).

 

Anyhow, I don't think anyone goes into marriage wanting problems (or even expecting problems) with their MIL. And, I think if you can put yourself in a posiiton of not being your DIL's mother and treating her like you would treat one of your friends you will be fine. Most of the MIL problems we've had seems to be due to my MIL wanting a daughter, so she treated me like HER child instead of a grown woman in my own right (She would never tell her friend how to dress her children... or use the emergency spare key to let herself into their home without their knowledge).

 

I love my MIL -- I love her more from a distance, though;)

[mommy&herboys]

I have two sons as well and I often think about this. My kids are just 7 & 4, but I am afraid to turn in to my MIL. I really don't like her. She has been very mean to me. She is the most dishonest person I have ever met.

 

I have asked my MIL too during one of our arguments, "What does she expect from me? " I would have really loved to have a wonderful relationship with her. She is so nice to everyone else and it really hurts me.

 

The saddest aspect of our relationship is that I had to ASK for her love, kindness & respect. I had to figure out ways to win her heart and I could not do it. When a DIL has to ask for her basic rights as a new member of the family from the elders, relationship starts to grow bitter.

 

Based on my experience, this is what I expect from a MIL....

 

Please, please be nice, respectful and kind.

 

Please do not criticize my parenting, cooking or lifestyle. Your son loves me for it.

 

I do welcome your suggestions, but use the nice words.

 

Please do not hold me responsible for any disagreement you have with your son. I did not cause it.

 

Please remember that you are a grandmother, not my child's mother. Do not undermine my authority as a mother.

 

Instead of reflexively repeating "you will be a MIL too", please try to remember that you were a DIL too!

 

Please be honest instead of being passive aggressive. If anything I do upsets you, please kindly address it with your daughter in law. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.

 

Please don't gossip and spread lies about me to the rest of the family. It really hurts my feelings when I hear sarcastic comments at family reunions.

[Amy loves Bud]

I would prefer that my MIL not tell me to "lose the gut".

 

Yep, that gem popped out of her mouth just last night after I invited her to my home and cooked dinner for her.

 

For the record, I'm about 10 lbs over my ideal weight. I've never had major weight issues, just a few extra pounds since having a baby at 40.

 

Also:

 

"I hope you're happy now" is not a great response to your DIL when you find out she is pregnant (after fourteen years of marriage and two other children).

 

Maybe go to one of your grandson's soccer games ...a season? a year? ever? If you live 5 minutes away and are offered a ride, then pretend interest in your grandchild enough to be bothered once or twice a year.

 

Don't hold Christmas gifts hostage to guilt your son and DIL into coming to your house on Christmas Day when they've made it clear they will be having Christmas at home and they would love for you to be a part of it. Either give them the gifts ahead of time, after the day, or preferably show up on Christmas Day with your gifts and a smile. You got to do Christmas with your kids, now let your children have that privilege with their own without putting on the guilt trip. (Thankfully Bud put his foot down and stopped that nonsense before it got legs.)

 

That's all for now. My MIL basically has no social skills and rarely interact with anyone but us, so I've learned to let it go. But with the "lose the gut" comment so fresh, I had to participate here.

 

I hope my MIL will live long enough so that my future-DIL will see that I'm not so bad. Also, maybe she'll mellow with age. That would be nice.

[RanchGirl]

Rebecca, I'm sorry about your Mom. I think the fact that you are already considering how to be a good MIL means you will be a great one!

 

I have a frustrating relationship with my MIL. I have 2 boys so I have thought about it a lot. I think it does come down to respect, but I don't think it's very easy. You need to somehow (a) gracefully allow/encourage your son to cleave to another woman, and at the same time (b) accept that woman into your family despite how imperfect she may be.

 

DO: show respect, courtesy, kindness, honesty, love. do give the benefit of the doubt in all areas.

DON'T: gossip, complain, try to cling to your son, try to get in between your son and his wife, etc.

 

And maybe somehow find a way to consider the success of your child's relationship with his/her spouse more important than your own personal needs/issues/demands/etc.

[Denisemomof4]

]I want to know what daughters-in-law want out of a MIL, and what they don't want.

 

**DO WANT:

 

Kindness

respect

acceptance

support

at least SOME effort into me and my kids

 

**DON'T WANT:

 

constant criticism

one who brings their own food to my home when invited for dinner, and then talks about how good it is

one who complains over EVERY gift

open and constant criticism

open and constant jealousy

constant guilt trips

constant provoking

 

(FWIW, I have all the DON'T WANTS in my MIL and none of the DO WANTS)

 

 

Would she stay out of your life entirely (maybe live 3,000 miles away)?

 

**no, but it would be nice for her to KNOCK at the door before barging in unannounced

 

Would she give you advice (in a polite and respectful way), or keep her mouth shut totally?

 

**if we had a good relationship, that would be welcome. If it was another way to throw out criticism, no matter how loving it was delivered, NO.

 

Would you like her to treat you as her own dear daughter, or keep her distance?

 

**Treat as own dear daughter. They're family now.

 

If she were disabled in some way, would you feel it was your place to care for her, or would you want to stay away?

 

I can't wait to be a Titus 2 woman to help my children, their spouses and my grandchildren. But if they want their space, I will respect that.

 

Would there be any feeling of not needing another mother (because you have your own mom), and so the MIL just becomes a *woman* that you're really too busy to deal with? I'm just throwing things out there.

 

**If both parties are on board, it's a wonderful thing. If one is rejecting the other, kindness and respect should be shown on all parts. See how the relationship grows and leads.

 

Sometimes reading the MIL threads on this board, I have a horrible feeling of dread for the time when my own children will be married. I'm afraid my future son- and daughter-in-law will despise me the way so many MILs here are despised. I'm afraid that the things I say and do will be misinterpreted and cause them to get angry. I love my children so much, and I would love for them to marry spouses who will love my husband and me and want to spend time with us. It would break my heart to find out my daughter-in-law was telling the world my faults (real and imagined) on a public chatroom.

 

Well, my MIL treated me worse than anyone I had ever met. After 17.5 years of marriage I finally gave up on her when a) she told me my husband should be able to have a girlfriend because of all he does for me (we have a farm, mostly rescue animals - I'm a HUGE animal lover! I bring NOTHING home without dh's prior approval) b) I had a quilt made for her in China when I went there to pick up our adopted daughter. She gave it back to me. I had finally had enough. She pushes everyone out of her life by her constant provoking and fighting. She's angry and bitter and nasty and treats EVERYONE horribly. If I wanted to vent here, I'd be thankful to have such a great support and a wide array of responses. Honestly, some MIL'S truly are awful, and some people find it necessary to vent and find support. If someone is the type of person who constantly offends people, provokes them, criticizes them, and belittles them every chance they get, then OH WELL if the person on the receiving end needs to get this off her chest and vent.

[Rosie_0801]

Anyhow, I don't think anyone goes into marriage wanting problems (or even expecting problems) with their MIL.

 

Wanting, no. Expecting, yes. I was warned about mine by dh's friends! Let's all vow right now not to have bad reputations precede us!!

 

Rosie

[Coleroo]

I would like to preface this by saying I have 3 mother-in-laws! My husband's birth mom (lives 10 miles away), my husband's adopted mom (lives 800 miles away), and my husband's adopted father's new wife (lives 800 miles away).

 

My perfect MIL would be one who would accept me into her immediate family as "one of their own". I would not be looked down upon or treated differently because I wasn't "blood". She would never try to run OUR household. Offering advice is fine IF asked, but she would never dictate the way I should do things. I would not call her "Mom" because that's a sacred title reserved for my own mom. To expect me to do so is a No-No. She would never ever look down on our personal private family decisions (such as choosing to stay at home or homeschool), even if they greatly differ from her own. She would treat my children with as much love as she would any other grandchild she may have.

 

She also wouldn't be quick to defend her son's every move just because he's her baby!

 

I say that last one because a.) that's the way my Granny was with my dad, and b.) that's the way I'm afraid I'll be with my own son! lol

[ciyates]

I have prayed many times that I would be a good enough Mother in law that my son and his future wife would want me around. I come at it a little differently and look at what I want out of the relationship with my son and his future wife and my one day grandchildren.

 

I have come to realize that it is 100% my responsibility to mold myself into something that is needful for their lives.

 

So what do I want?

1. I want to be included in the holidays but not feel like I am guilting them to spend every holiday with me. That means I will have to be more than willing to be flexible and creative. I have a friend who spends the Saturday after Thanksgiving with her kids and their wives. The make lasagne (they are tired of all the turkey!). Because she is willing to let them spend every Thanksgiving with the DILs families she gets Christmas Eve. :D

 

2. I want a friendship with her that she feels comfortable enough with me to invite me to lunch and a day at the mall or whatever she enjoys. That means I am going to have to be accessible to her. I can't be offering her advice at ever turn or telling her what she is doing wrong. I have to make an attempt to get to know her and realize that my wonderful son picked her for a reason. I need to find those reasons.

 

3. I want to be involved in my future grandchildren's lives (do you know how odd that is to write when you are 34?). That means I am going to have to offer to babysit and not tell her how to raise their children. I am going to have to respect their style.

 

4. Finally I want them to come to us when they are in need. That means I am going to earn their trust by being wise, compassionate and loving to them both.

 

I pray that God gives me the ability to be someone that she is happy to say is her MIL. I don't want her posting these horrible things I have done to her. And if for some reason we do get off course, I pray that God gives me the wisdom to correct it and go to them and make amends.

[kewb]

 

So what do I want?

1. I want to be included in the holidays but not feel like I am guilting them to spend every holiday with me. That means I will have to be more than willing to be flexible and creative. I have a friend who spends the Saturday after Thanksgiving with her kids and their wives. The make lasagne (they are tired of all the turkey!). Because she is willing to let them spend every Thanksgiving with the DILs families she gets Christmas Eve. :D

 

2. I want a friendship with her that she feels comfortable enough with me to invite me to lunch and a day at the mall or whatever she enjoys. That means I am going to have to be accessible to her. I can't be offering her advice at ever turn or telling her what she is doing wrong. I have to make an attempt to get to know her and realize that my wonderful son picked her for a reason. I need to find those reasons.

 

3. I want to be involved in my future grandchildren's lives (do you know how odd that is to write when you are 34?). That means I am going to have to offer to babysit and not tell her how to raise their children. I am going to have to respect their style.

 

4. Finally I want them to come to us when they are in need. That means I am going to earn their trust by being wise, compassionate and loving to them both.

 

 

That is exaclty how I feel.

 

I love my MIl and I do not think she is a bad person but she is the exact opposite of all these things. And whatever she does she follows it up with "I do this out of love". No doubt she does but I often want to tell her this MIL piece of advice for behavior during the wedding-"Shut up and wear beige."

[the4Rs]

You know what I love most about my MIL? She accepted me from the first. I think it helped that she had two sons and always hoped for a daughter. She tells people I am not her daughter in law, I am her daughter. I love that. My mom lives about 600 miles away and MIL lives about 5 minutes away.

 

It hasn't always been easy but I wouldn't trade her for the world.

 

Here is what I love about her:

 

She accepted me faults and all

She gives advice but only when asked for

She is willing to drop ANYTHING to come to our aid

She loves her grandkids to death and is the best grandma

She does not try to assert her authority over our kids without our express permission (which she gets sometimes)

She genuinely wants to spend time one on one with me and though I don't do it often, it is always a wonderful time.

She values my opinions and thoughts

She respects that I love my mom dearly and knows to back off after I have come back from seeing her to give me time to readjust

 

Some things I would highly recommend you avoid at all costs as a MIL:

 

Don't let your son and DIL move in with you even temporarily....2 women in a household used to doing things their own ways grate on each other's nerves.

Don't pour out the problems you are having with husband and other children to your DIL who feels overwhelmed with it all

Don't pout if you think you aren't getting enough time with your son and family- they have lives too

 

 

The mere fact you worry about being a good MIL will make you a better one. It's the ones who dont' care a whit that end up being the canker in the relationship.

[st_claire]

The ideal MIL should love the partners of their children. She should be intersted in their lives. Go out to lunch and call her sometimes. Offer help, especially when children are born. Be supportive. Be kind. Be friendly. Basically think of them as a new child of yours.

[NavyWifeandMommy]

I wish mine was here so I could apologize to her for being a crudy daughter in law. She did love us but her on going woes as me with her health drove me nuts. My oldest is starting to forget her and the other two were babies when she passed.

[MamaT]

I have given this subject a lot of thought lately. My two oldest sons are going to be married next year. I want to be a good MIL, and unfortunately, I don't have an example to go by. All my MIL taught me was what NOT to do.

 

These are my thoughts so far:

 

1. Accept the women your son chooses for who they are. Don't try to change them or focus on their faults (we all have them). My son wants this woman to be his wife. That's good enough for me.

 

2. Make them feel like part of your family, not an outsider. I will treat my son's wives like they are my daughters.

 

3. Accept their decisions and support them. Only give advice when asked.

 

4. Recognize that your son and his wife are their own family. They may not do things your way, but that is THEIR decision. Support them

 

5. Do your part to nurture friendship with your DIL. Pay attention to what is important to her.

 

6. Never try to get your son to "take sides." I have told my sons that if I have a misunderstanding with their wives, they are to take her side ALWAYS. She and I will work things out, and I don't want resentment because of me in their marriage EVER.

 

7. Always be there when she needs you. Be someone she can count on.

 

8. Never try to manipulate or use guilt to get your way.

 

9. Never say negative things about them when they aren't present, and don't let anyone else do it either.

 

That's all I can think of right now. So far, the girls and I have a good relationship and I will be happy to have them for my DILs. I am determined that I will be a different kind of MIL than I have had myself.

[TraceyS/FL]

I have given this subject a lot of thought lately. My two oldest sons are going to be married next year. I want to be a good MIL, and unfortunately, I don't have an example to go by. All my MIL taught me was what NOT to do.

 

These are my thoughts so far:

 

1. Accept the women your son chooses for who they are. Don't try to change them or focus on their faults (we all have them). My son wants this woman to be his wife. That's good enough for me.

 

2. Make them feel like part of your family, not an outsider. I will treat my son's wives like they are my daughters.

 

3. Accept their decisions and support them. Only give advice when asked.

 

4. Recognize that your son and his wife are their own family. They may not do things your way, but that is THEIR decision. Support them

 

5. Do your part to nurture friendship with your DIL. Pay attention to what is important to her.

 

6. Never try to get your son to "take sides." I have told my sons that if I have a misunderstanding with their wives, they are to take her side ALWAYS. She and I will work things out, and I don't want resentment because of me in their marriage EVER.

 

7. Always be there when she needs you. Be someone she can count on.

 

8. Never try to manipulate or use guilt to get your way.

 

9. Never say negative things about them when they aren't present, and don't let anyone else do it either.

 

That's all I can think of right now. So far, the girls and I have a good relationship and I will be happy to have them for my DILs. I am determined that I will be a different kind of MIL than I have had myself.

 

This is a great list.... mine could have used it, as could my STBXH used a lesson in #6.

 

Most of all i'd say, respect that THEY are the family. Their lives, their choices, and what works for them might never have worked for you, not should it matter if it works for you now.

 

And don't guilt them if they move. Ye gads (which goes with #9 too). My in-laws moved to CA from PA away from their family for a better life. The family followed at some point, then they moved about 3 hours away.

 

We, as a FAMILY, made the decision it was time to leave CA and move somewhere. FL "won". It's been 6 years of h*&& basically from them.... apparently i hog tied their only son to the roof and moved him here. They can't remember apparently moving themselves for a better life.... I tired to make it easy and cheap to keep communication open. Paid for unlimited long distance on the phone... they/she freaked if we didn't call on "her" schedule. We have free mobile to mobile with FIL yet, MIL wouldn't use it and would instead talk about how she had another calling card to use and blah blah blah.

 

I've given up on that front. It doesn't matter what "I" do - it will never be good enough because she can't see past herself.... she will now copy this post in a file and use it in court against me in my divorce. Joy.

 

Basically, it's a mess. I too have learned a lot of what not to do - and have a wonderful example of how to be in my grandmother to my parents. My STBXH invited my parents to live with us... i'm not sure at this point what he could say they have done badly by him at all. Most of what he will/could say just turns to him and makes him look bad.....

 

Anyway, you've gotten some good tips on what not to do.

[Orthodox6]

.

Edited September 29, 2009 by Orthodox6

[stripe]

I also think that it is equally important to examine our own characters and ask "What does my mother-in-law deserve from me that I am not currently giving her?"

Excellent idea. (Or, what is an ideal daughter-in-law and how could I become one?)

[kmacnchs]

So what would your ideal MIL be like -- not what you would like out of your current one, but what an ideal one would be like? Would she stay out of your life entirely (maybe live 3,000 miles away)? NO! Would she live close by? sure Would she give you advice (in a polite and respectful way), or keep her mouth shut totally? advice ONLY when I ask Would you like her to treat you as her own dear daughter, or keep her distance? whichever If she were disabled in some way, would you feel it was your place to care for her, or would you want to stay away? I hope I would *want* and offer to care for her (w/o her having to ask)

 

Would there be any feeling of not needing another mother (because you have your own mom), and so the MIL just becomes a *woman* that you're really too busy to deal with? I'm just throwing things out there. No, not really. I enjoy another older women's company (incl my own mother and my MIL)

 

 

My MIL is more supportive of me than my parents sometimes. Some things that bug me are that she won't "cut the cord" with any of her children...won't let my hubby leave and cleave fully. Please let your son do that. Other things are just some of the ways she raised my dh have made my life harder and I love my dh so I don't want to be angry with him so I place my frustrations on her...it's wrong, I know. That being said, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE teach your son to clean up after himself and how to manage his money! Your DIL will THANK YOU if she knows what's good for her :D

[sagira]

Sometimes reading the MIL threads on this board, I have a horrible feeling of dread for the time when my own children will be married. I'm afraid my future son- and daughter-in-law will despise me the way so many MILs here are despised. I'm afraid that the things I say and do will be misinterpreted and cause them to get angry. I love my children so much, and I would love for them to marry spouses who will love my husband and me and want to spend time with us. It would break my heart to find out my daughter-in-law was telling the world my faults (real and imagined) on a public chatroom.

 

:grouphug: I've been thinking this for some time, and my ds is only six :tongue_smilie:

 

I really like my MIL. She's a very good person, very patient, very generous.. very kind. Truly a blessing. Everyone has their faults, and although she does come close to being a saint, nobody is. I don't expect her to be. She's human.

 

I guess for me she would be someone who is supportive, tries to be nonjudgmental, helps when she can, is not critical, doesn't say snarky things, is not too needy.. loves her grandchildren and wants to be involved with them and is not cold or distant but not so mushy that she insists on dinners every night or all holidays at her house. I guess that she respects and feels compassion for the other side of the family too.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I would prefer that my MIL not tell me to "lose the gut".

 

Yep, that gem popped out of her mouth just last night after I invited her to my home and cooked dinner for her.

 

 

 

I thought I was the only one!!!!

 

Yep, a good MIL will not tell her DIL (the 3rd time they've met) in three different ways how heavy she is.

 

Also, showing a genuine interest in the grandchildren is helpful! Even if you live thousands of miles away, it can be done! My own parents make it a point to visit the grandchild that lives out of state at least once a year, and fly him out to our state too. It takes effort, but loving grandparents will put in that effort even from across the country.

[CalicoKat]

the rift between my mil an dI stems mostly from gossip.

 

It wasn't until 14 years into our marriage that I realized that anything I told my MIL was fair game for her to gossip about.

 

When I was diagnosed with diabetes my dh and I went to them for some emotional support. I specifically looked them in the eyes and asked that they not share this with anyone as I was still adjusting to this and felt shamed by it and I didn't want to talk with anyone else about it.

 

hmmmm..... Christmas time came around and everyone seemed to know what I should or shouldn't be eating and they were asking questions to me about why I was eating such and such. The little urchin in me still won't confirm to any of them what they heard from MIL and they know better than to ask because MIL will get another earful.

 

I understand now why it was so difficult for my entire marriage to have a conversation wtih anyone else in the family. Everyone knew my news already from MIL and didn't care to listen to me explain it to them personally.

 

So my ideal MIL would be one who can keep my trust by respecting the relationship/friendship I thought existed.

 

I did confront my inlaws about this and they only said, "we wanted everyone to be praying for you......" Ooops, they play the religion card. See ya!

[greensummervillian]

I haven't read all the replies, but I wanted to say that I like my mother-in-law. She lives in the neighboring town. She's kind, respectful, and helpful. Sometimes she gives advice. Sometimes I agree with her, sometimes I disagree, and sometimes she gives me something to think about. I've seen some MIL-DIL relationships there is a defensiveness about minor things on both sides. I'm not sure how that sort of relationship is cultivated. I think especially in the early part of their relationship, it's best to be very supportive and keep your criticism to yourself. Also, don't say anything bad to your son about her because it might get back. People really don't like being talked about. If my MIL was disabled, I would help take care of her. Obviously, I'd prefer that she stay healthy though, lol. I think the ideal mother-in-law would just be a respectful, loving person who wants to be involved without forcing herself in.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I have two sons, and two MILs, so I have thought about this before.

 

Dh's mother is just not nice. She is shallow and makes underhanded comments about everything and everyone. She is still bitter about her divorce that happened almost 40 years ago. She looks down her nose at me and gave me a very hard time at the beginning of our marriage. She has come around a little, tiny bit because of the grandkids. She knows dh will stick up for me, because he has in the past, and also, we support her financially, so she can't really make us too mad. But, I don't enjoy being around her at all. She is not very affectionate with my kids (or with anyone, for that matter). I hate how she treats her own daughter, who has no self esteem because of the continual criticism.

 

Dh's stepmother, is very different. She married dh's dad when dh was 13, and was married to him for 24 years until he died in 1997. Dh was very close with his dad, and spent a lot of time with his step-mom and their kids. So, he feels close to his stepmom and half siblings. I love this MIL. She is far from perfect, and sometimes interjects her opinion without being asked, but she is loving, kind, caring, non-judgmental, and funny. She never makes me feel bad about anything I do. If she has an opinion on something, she'll state it openly, not as an underhanded criticism. She'll tell you if she thinks you've done something stupid, but she'll also fess up when she's done something stupid. She does not hold grudges, and does not make you feel guilty for anything. She would like us to come and celebrate holidays with her, but we usually end up giving precedence to dh's mother. Step-mil does not make us feel guilty, but says, "We'll miss you, but maybe you'll be able to come next year." It all in the tone of voice, too. Dh's mom could say the exact same words, and it wouldn't mean the same thing at all.

 

So, in short, I'd like a mil to keep her criticisms to herself, unless an opinion is requested. I'd like her to act like she enjoys being around me and my children. I'd like there to be a flow of support back and forth.

 

That's how I hope I can be as a MIL.

[Impish]

What not to do as a MIL

 

1. Don't have NPD would pretty much sum it up.
   
2. Understand that you will never again have first place with your kids. That's reserved for their spouses and children.
   
3. Don't compete with their spouse or children (especially children!) for your ds/dd time, attention, affection.
   
4. If your ds/dd is old enough to get married, then they're old enough to be respected as adults. Their choices do not need your consent or approval.
   
5. Your ds/dd chose this mate. Respect that and them.
   
6. Do not expect/demand that you will be taken care of by them. Children are not a retirement plan. Its also ESPECIALLY BAD form to say to a bride on her wedding day that she's to take care of you.
   
   

 

Here's a really, really short version of the do/do nots. "Would you treat a FRIEND this way?" If that's the guiding premise, I can't see serious issues happening. Assuming there's no NPD to deal with, of course.

I think the OP has a good question.

 

I also think that it is equally important to examine our own characters and ask "What does my mother-in-law deserve from me that I am not currently giving her?"

A punch in the mouth? That's about the only thing I can think of that my dh and I might be willing to give that might actually have her attitude change at all. :glare:

 

No, we'd never assault anyone over anything...unless a child was in danger sort of issue. There are moments, however, when my MIL mouth is wide open, criticizing, haranguing, etc that the expression 'put a sock in it' plays out in a literal fashion on the movie screen of my mind. :lol:

[Impish]

And, for the record, before meeting my dh, I used to tell friends that I looked forward to getting married and having a MIL because, 'she HAS to be an improvement over my mother!' :glare:

 

Ha ha ha. It is to laugh. :glare:

[Orthodox6]

,

Edited September 29, 2009 by Orthodox6

[Laurie4b]

I also have a son who's 18, and it may not be too many more years before I'll be a MIL myself (no prospects on the horizon yet, thankfully!). So I want to know how to be a good one. I want to know what daughters-in-law want out of a MIL, and what they don't want.

 

Sometimes reading the MIL threads on this board, I have a horrible feeling of dread for the time when my own children will be married. I'm afraid my future son- and daughter-in-law will despise me the way so many MILs here are despised. I'm afraid that the things I say and do will be misinterpreted and cause them to get angry. I love my children so much, and I would love for them to marry spouses who will love my husband and me and want to spend time with us. It would break my heart to find out my daughter-in-law was telling the world my faults (real and imagined) on a public chatroom.

 

 

I feel the same way, as the mom of 4 sons. This thread has touched a button for me. What I've read on this board (haven't read recent m-i-l threads) has produced real anxiety. Clearly, some women have very bizarre m-i-l's, but there are plenty of petty d-i-l's as well.

 

Three things that stand out to me in terms of what I pray I won't have to deal with in a d-i-l:

 

1) Jealousy : Dils who are so possessive of their husbands that if his mom wanted to spend some time with him without her, dil considers that inappropriate and a threat to the special nature of her relationship with her dh. ( I have two parents who remarried after a divorce, and so I experience a similar thing in this regard. It's not a rejection of the spouse to want some 1:1 time with a loved one.) This type of thing has been rather shocking to me when it's come up on threads. I can't imagine competing with my mil. We have two different kinds of relationships with dh.

 

2) Working out a relationship with mil doesn't seem to have very high value. I wonder sometimes on reading threads if there is a simple misunderstanding--if criticism is inferred when it's not implied. It bothers me how frequently someone will describe a problem and a significant number of the responses say: "Cut her off" in some way or another if not altogether. ("Setting boundaries" is a good thing, but I see it way overused to replace talking and working things out. This is both here and IRL.) This seems to me to be becoming a knee-jerk cultural reaction. This advice isn't given only when dealing with someone who is clearly very bizarre, but often over stuff that could have been a series of misunderstandings. Families have different cultures.

 

3) This not from threads but from life: Daughters tend to favor their mothers and own families of origin in terms of holidays, time with grandkids, etc. I suspect that this flows from part of what I said in #2--that families have different cultures. I hope I get to see my grandkids regularly because I love kids and I want to continue a close relationship with my ds's. I realize that it's almost entirely up to my dil.

 

:rant:

 

To answer your other questions

Would she stay out of your life entirely (maybe live 3,000 miles away)?

 

No. She would want to be involved with her son and grandchildren.

 

Would she live close by? She doesn't, so I can't wrap my mind around this one.

 

Would she give you advice (in a polite and respectful way), or keep her mouth shut totally? She could give advice. Probably a lot of praise would go a long way to that not being misinterpreted.

 

Would you like her to treat you as her own dear daughter, or keep her distance?

Be treated as a daughter.

 

If she were disabled in some way, would you feel it was your place to care for her, or would you want to stay away?

 

I feel biblically obligated to care for both sets of our parents. I would see it as a repayment (that's not quite the right word) for all the care she gave to dh as he was growing up.

 

Would there be any feeling of not needing another mother (because you have your own mom), and so the MIL just becomes a *woman* that you're really too busy to deal with?

 

My parents are divorced and I was sensitive to the "another mother" issue. I was more or less forced to call them mom and dad and I have always been uncomfortable with that. In our family (cultural difference) parents in law and son/d-i-l tended to be called by first names. I would have preferred that. My parents both enjoy dh calling them mom and dad.

 

However, for me, once past the name part, I would have liked a close relationship.

 

With us, though, it's not going to happen. I tried to move toward a closer relationship, but m-i-l shows closeness through "doing things" for people and isn't someone who talks much. We live about 6-7 hours away, so talking is not only my "love language" but the only practical means of building a relationship. They send presents at birthdays/Christmas, but don't make an effort to ever come to see us. (They will "stop by" on their way somewhere to a cousin's birthday or something, but we are not the destination.) That makes me sad for dh. He's a good son.

 

I've been disappointed in our relationship but I always encourage dh to make an effort to go visit when he can (eg when he's out of town on a business trip within an hour or two of his parents') and we make sure that we split time evenly between my parent, who lives about an hour from them, and dh's family. We're not close, but I try hard to make sure that I don't come between dh and his parents.

[Truscifi]

For me this is 2 separate issues: my ideal MIL's relationship with my child, and her relationship with me and dh. Ideally, my MIL would love and cherish my child and be as involved as possible in his life without trying to countermand or undermine our parental authority. My MIL does a GREAT job at this. When ds was learning to read, she started writing him fun letters in large print featuring different letters of the alphabet with pictures of something that started with that letter. She has since moved on to interesting stories about animals, poems, etc. She makes a point to write about things ds likes - which of course means she has to keep up with what ds likes. (My inlaws live about 400 miles away.)

 

She would also like me and be polite and respectful of my culture/beliefs/etc even if they are different than her own. She would make an effort to reach out and build a good relationship with me. My MIL truly believes that if you have nothing nice to say you shouldn't say anything, so we had very few actual conversations for the first 6 years dh and I were married - we are in year 7 and she seems to be warming up to me a bit.

 

She would be supportive of dh without trying to be 'in charge' of his life, and recognize that he is a grown up now. My MIL also does a good job at this.

 

As for the ideal DIL - I think making an effort to build a relationship is required there too. And really trying to keep MIL involved with your family (with boundaries) and make her feel welcome is essential. I know that can be difficult to impossible with some MILs and I would not try to do it if my MIL was like some of the ones described on this thread!

[Orthodox6]

.

Edited September 29, 2009 by Orthodox6

[Paz]

posted in wrong place, sorry

Edited September 26, 2009 by Paz
posted in wrong place

[jujsky]

An ideal MIL would pretty much be the mothers of any of the guys I dated before DH. I guess I could have had a toad of a husband and a great MIL or a toad of a MIL and a great husband ;)

 

Anyway, an ideal MIL would treat me like a DD and welcome me into her family. She would be supportive and helpful, but not over-bearing and interfering. She wouldn't be judgmental. She would be very involved with the grandchildren (mine actually does have this attribute) but would not interfere with my parenting and would support our parenting rules/decisions. She would never try to drive a wedge between DH and myself, and would instead be very supportive and nurturing towards our relationship as a couple. If I did have the ideal MIL and she became disabled, I would absolutely help care for her because I would be close to her and view her as a second mother. My mom and I are extremely close, but I don't think a person can have too much love in their lives. I wouldn't shut out a MIL who wanted to have a warm, mother-daughter relationship with me even though I have a great mom. I wouldn't be comfortable calling my MIL "Mom" even if we were close, but that's more out of respect to my own mother than anything else. I would want us to be friends. I'd want to be comfortable hanging out one-on-one with my MIL, and I'd want to be able to do things like go shopping or go out to see a play. I could do those things with my MIL, but it would be uncomfortable and awkward because we just don't have that type of relationship.

 

Kudos to you for wanting to have a great relationship with your future DIL (whoever she may be). The fact that you don't want to be the type of MIL many of us complain about here says a lot.

[WTMCassandra]

1) Respect for her son as a grown man making his own decisions (especially when he is not characterized by foolhardiness).

2) Respect for me as his wife.

3) As much respect for us as parents of our OWN children as she would want for herself and her children.

4) Respect for our autonomy as an entire FAMILY (as opposed to an extension of her).

5) An attitude of helpfulness as opposed to manipulating/controlling/criticizing.

[Impish]

Orthodox,

 

Can I just offer a gentle reminder that there are many reasons why someone wouldn't care for their MIL that has nothing to do with 'rank selfishness'? Each situation is as unique as fingerprints. To label all with such an inflammatory and negative label is being judgemental, assuming facts not in evidence.

[Tokyomarie]

I'm purposely not reading the rest of this thread before responding.

 

I was very fortunate to have a mother-in-law who loved me like a daughter. She just had two sons herself, so her daughters-in-law became like the daughters she never had. I was blessed to know my MIL for almost 25 years before she passed away and by that time I had long thought of her as my second mother. It probably helps that our personalities meshed fairly well and we shared a few common interests. But we got off to a good start by assuming the best of one another and accepting each other as we would accept members of our families of origin. Though there were times when she said or did things that upset me, overall the tone of our relationship was very warm.

 

My MIL was a giving woman. She made my wedding dress and knitted sweaters for me. She spent time with me in conversation over tea; I still remember her Norman Rockwell teacups & assorted herbal & black teas. We went to farmers markets, took walks, and went camping together. She introduced me to Sam's Club when I came back to the USA for one of our regular summer visits and paid for my order. She shared her love of birds with my daughter and taught her to knit and crochet. And more.

 

When I was in the dating stage of life, someone wisely shared with me that I would not be just marrying my husband but I would joining his family & I should be careful to consider whether I could have good relationships with his family members. I'm glad for that, because heeding that advice meant that extended family relationships have been a positive in our marriage.

[TraceyS/FL]

That is very true.... i can tell stories if you come over for the day. :D

 

One thing to keep in mind in my case, is that my MIL has 2 DD's and a son. Personally, she treats her oldest DD worse than me, and strongly considers her and her chosen life the worlds biggest disappointment. I see my SIL turn to strangers and offer them unconditional love/friendship because of this treatment.

 

But overall, i figure it's an uphill battle when she can't even treat her own DD well, nor not talk badly about her. I don't take it personally to an extent - i'm not even sure if she realizes how bad she is in projecting the negativity. My BF's mom was with SIL & MIL for SIL's b-day lunch, and was appalled at how my MIL treated her.

 

Anyway, i just hope i can take what i have experienced and use it to be a good MIL someday... what not to do from mine, and more of what to do from my (paternal) grandmother and mother. My maternal grandmother was good as showing the, "what not to do" type of thing.

[Audrey]

For some reason the threads about mothers-in-law really upset me. Maybe it's because I never had a mother-in-law (my husband's mom died when he was a child). I haven't had a mom since I was nine. I would absolutely ~love~ to have had either or both, but that wasn't to be.

 

I also have a son who's 18, and it may not be too many more years before I'll be a MIL myself (no prospects on the horizon yet, thankfully!). So I want to know how to be a good one. I want to know what daughters-in-law want out of a MIL, and what they don't want.

 

So what would your ideal MIL be like -- not what you would like out of your current one, but what an ideal one would be like? Would she stay out of your life entirely (maybe live 3,000 miles away)? Would she live close by? Would she give you advice (in a polite and respectful way), or keep her mouth shut totally? Would you like her to treat you as her own dear daughter, or keep her distance? If she were disabled in some way, would you feel it was your place to care for her, or would you want to stay away?

 

Would there be any feeling of not needing another mother (because you have your own mom), and so the MIL just becomes a *woman* that you're really too busy to deal with? I'm just throwing things out there.

 

Sometimes reading the MIL threads on this board, I have a horrible feeling of dread for the time when my own children will be married. I'm afraid my future son- and daughter-in-law will despise me the way so many MILs here are despised. I'm afraid that the things I say and do will be misinterpreted and cause them to get angry. I love my children so much, and I would love for them to marry spouses who will love my husband and me and want to spend time with us. It would break my heart to find out my daughter-in-law was telling the world my faults (real and imagined) on a public chatroom.

 

 

I'm with you on this one. My mom died many years before I married. My mother-in-law was a wonderful lady, but died 2 years after I married dh. I would love to have both of them back. It would be nice to have a woman in my life like that again -- someone wise to confide in; someone to lend a hand every now and then; someone to just sit and have tea and not have to be anything other than ourselves.

 

I'm truly sorry for people who have (or feel they have) monsters for mothers or mothers-in-law. 'Twas not my experience, and now I've neither one nor the other.

 

So what would I want in a mother-in-law? How about alive, for starters.

[lgm]

 

So what would your ideal MIL be like -- not what you would like out of your current one, but what an ideal one would be like? Would she stay out of your life entirely (maybe live 3,000 miles away)? Would she live close by? Would she give you advice (in a polite and respectful way), or keep her mouth shut totally? .

 

Is doesn't matter how close or far; advice or non; it's a matter of respect and treating others nonabusively and of course not manipulating for personal gain.

 

Would you like her to treat you as her own dear daughter, or keep her distance? .

 

More as an younger friend. Her own dd will be likely be jealous of having competition.

 

If she were disabled in some way, would you feel it was your place to care for her, or would you want to stay away?.

 

No, it would be her husband's responsibility to take care of her. After FIL passes, in my culture, the daughters take care of a disabled mother in their own homes unless it is a situation where constant medical care is needed (in which case the mama would be in a facility near her dds). If there are no daughters, then it goes to the oldest son's wife or whoever's situation in life it works out best for.

 

Would there be any feeling of not needing another mother (because you have your own mom), and so the MIL just becomes a *woman* that you're really too busy to deal with? I'm just throwing things out there.

 

I have a mother. She can't be replaced, especially by someone who will not place me first in her loyalties.

 

Not too busy to 'deal with'; but certainly there are times when we can't rearrange our priorities (generally for 'wants' rather than 'needs').

 

 

Sometimes reading the MIL threads on this board, I have a horrible feeling of dread for the time when my own children will be married. I'm afraid my future son- and daughter-in-law will despise me the way so many MILs here are despised. I'm afraid that the things I say and do will be misinterpreted and cause them to get angry. I love my children so much, and I would love for them to marry spouses who will love my husband and me and want to spend time with us. It would break my heart to find out my daughter-in-law was telling the world my faults (real and imagined) on a public chatroom.

 

The biggest problems I've had are all related to the MIL & FIL not wanting to move on to the empty nest stage in life, and then not into the grandparent stage. Other people have descibed some of these problems, so I wont'.

 

Lastly, the money issues can cause hard feelings. I think this area is going to heat up in the future for the baby boomer's kids, simply because so many of the bb children no longer have a pension plan. It's pretty nutty to be drawing social security, on a pension, with a home and vacation home and asking your kids who do not have a pension to chip in for your wants...so I know when I become a MIL I'll be living within my budget...I'll also arrange and prepay the end of life expenses so the kids don't have to pony up right when they should be helping their children transition out of college.

[Orthodox6]

,

Edited September 29, 2009 by Orthodox6

[Impish]

I don't exactly understand why your reply takes this slant. Each poster's response in this thread represents what applies to herself, and to herself alone. They are answers to specific questions posed by the OP, who asks what individuals conceive as their "ideal" situation. Nowhere did I pick up that anybody's individual response was to be misinterpreted as being applied globally to the readership.

I don't see pointing out that there is more than 'rank selfishness' involved in someone not caring for an inlaw/parent is a bad thing.

 

You may find yourself in a position where its not possible in the future, and my response might come to mind...cutting you some slack that you don't see at this point.

[Elizabeth Conley]

This is an excellent question. I've had a mother-in-law for about 26 years, and she's a good one.

 

Here's what I'd like in a mother-in-law:

 

1. Happiness: I'd like my mother-in-law to be a relatively happy, fulfilled person.

 

2. Safe and wholesome lifestyle: I'd prefer that my husband not be anxious about his mother's safety. I'd also prefer not to worry that my children might be at risk simply by being left alone with her for a few hours.

 

3. Sound judgment in fiscal matters: I prefer that my mother-in-law be able to manage her own assets, or willing to permit someone trustworthy to manage her assets for her.

 

4. Reasonably well behaved: I prefer that my mother-in-law keep the drama down to a dull roar, and leave us out of it to the greatest extent possible.

 

5. Reasonably gracious: I prefer that my mother-in-law be bearable company for 4-6 hours at a time.

 

6. Decent to her grandchildren: I prefer that my mother-in-law be warm and kind to all of her grandchildren.

 

Yes, order matters. I listed the items in order, from most to least important.

[BridgeTea]

I was married very young, and got lucky in the in-law department.

 

MIL has always been very gracious and loving towards me, even when I was young and doing stupid stuff. She guided at times but it was very, very gentle and she was good at just mentioning something once, then letting an issue drop. My own mom also stayed out of our marriage. It was like they both knew we'd figure stuff out on our own. It has always been a good feeling, because I saw it as being respected.

 

I hope I can do half as well. I have been practicing on my grown girls' "men". Arrghhh, in one case it is hard to not give advice...with a baseball bat. ;) There's a lot of prayer involved. But my girls are smart, and I trust them to figure things out.

 

FWIW, sometimes MrTea and I lived near Mom, sometimes near MIL. Thousands of miles between the two, so they've each had nice breaks from us! I'm sure it helps.

 

MrTea and my mom had a great relationship. He teases me that "Your mom loved me more than she loved you" and I can tell him he is probably right. He was one of her primary caregivers during her last weeks. I would do the same for his mom, because she deserves it.

[BridgeTea]

To clarify my own last line: I would take care of my MIL because she deserves it. I just mean that she is wonderful. Honestly, I hope I would take care of her even if she was a nasty old wretched thing. I'd have to follow MrTea's lead on that, I suppose.