Explaining a "no sleepover" policy

[Moxie]

Tonight, while I was grocery shopping, one of the neighbor boys (age 6) came over with his mom to ask if he could spend the night :001_huh::001_huh::001_huh:. I really don't get people; I've only met this mom twice, she has never been in my house and I doubt if she remembers my name (I can't remember hers) and she is asking us to keep her child overnight?? That's weird, right?? Anyhoo, DH said that I was out until late and so the answer was no. We have a no sleepover policy. With close friends who have asked, I've just said that we don't do sleepovers and they were fine with that. How do I explain that to this woman who clearly has fewer boundries then I do? I thought about just saying that we save sleepovers for special occasions but I'd rather nip it in the bud if they ask again. Sigh, I get tired of being the freaky homeschooling mom some days.

[5KidzRUs]

My dh grew up in a culture that didn't 'do' sleepovers - dh was floored the first time our oldest son (then 5) was invited to a sleep over, by a classmate we never met, parents we never met, who lived in another town.

Dh's response was "No, he can't sleep over at someone else's house, he has a perfectly good bed at home".

anyway, oldest son is now almost 25 years old and not doing sleepovers has not harmed him <;o) Stick to your guns - you are not accountable to anyone and stop feeling like you have to justify saying no.

[teamturner]

We don't do sleepovers either and I've had to say no to another homeschooling mom. I don't think it has to be a hsing thing but rather just a family choice thing. :D

[TracyR]

Its not being freaky. Its being cautious because people like that expect you to watch their kids for them. I have this same problem. We live in an apartment complex and a few months ago a family moved in. The first day they moved in these two children who are about 9 and 5 are playing outside with my daughters. No parents in site. I had no clue who they were. The mother never came out to check on them to see where they were. I had no clue WHO their parents were. They've attached themselves to us and its hard to get rid of them because their parents don't do anything with them. The 5yr old is running around all day and you never once see the mother come out and find out where she is. The one day she was in the woods playing near a creek.

I've had them ask if they could stay over night and I tell them no. I don't know their family, and after briefly meeting the mom I don't think I really want to know them. That meeting was followed by her asking us if we could take her kids to Vacation Bible School too.

 

Anyways I've been taken advantage of before. My daughters befriended a little girl who also likes to come over because we feed her and she gets attention. The mother thought she'd have her daughter ask to spend the night. Well when I did let her the mom decided to go out and go out of town for two days and I had no idea where she was or where she had went.

 

I do allow sleepovers but they are few and far between. I've learned a very good lesson. I am not a free babysitter because these people would not ever do the same for me.

Edited June 16, 2009 by TracyR

[lisasaysto]

Just say you don't allow sleepovers in a matter-of-fact way and then change the subject. Maybe you could offer to meet the family at the park so the kids could play in the afternoon or something, but I don't think you should feel like you have to explain your decision to anyone.

[stripe]

I agree -- if you start listing a bunch of reasons, or sound like you are in a debate, you suggest that you can be convinced to change your mind, that it's up for discussion. But if you would like to get to know them better, suggest an alternative, so you don't sound antisocial.

[Mom-ninja.]

I've been wondering about the sleep over thing myself. I'm not sure if I'll allow it. I don't really want to, but I had a blast at sleepovers when I was a kid.

 

I agree though. You don't need to explain. Just state that you don't allow them.

[Remudamom]

We don't do them either except with one family.

[Starr]

We only do the occasional sleep over with close friends. Among other things I can't stand the grumpy kids the next day. We survived the younger years with the "just say no" policy. And yes, it took many years, but dd's friend at church has found a Mom that is even stricter than me. Yea!

[Heather in Neverland]

We don't do them either except with one family.

 

That's us too. And even those are becoming more rare as I do not like the direction this boy is taking and his influence on my ds.

[cin]

. Sigh, I get tired of being the freaky homeschooling mom some days.

 

 

So do I. And that's in a group of homeschool moms. :001_huh:

[WTMCassandra]

I think the key is NOT explaining. Just state the policy, repeat with a smile if necessary, and pass lots of bean dip. Explaining seems to be an invitation to boundary-challenged people to argue with you (boy, have I had some long hard lessons in THAT department!).

[mama2cntrykids]

I've learned a very good lesson. I am not a free babysitter because these people would not ever do the same for me.

 

Sorry, trying not to judge here, but you probably *wouldn't* want them to do the same for you;).

[angela in ohio]

Similar to PP's dh, I always just look at people like they are strange and say, "Why? He/She has a bed right here in our home he/she can sleep in." :D

[Sunshine State Sue]

I used to shrug my shoulders and just say "We don't do sleepovers". No need to explain. If an explanation from an adult is requested, I say we've had bad experiences with it.

 

Eventually, it turned into "Not until we've known you for a year". After knowing someone for a year, you should have a good idea of whether or not they are "safe". Many friends don't last a year.

 

And, it's definitely not a regular thing here, even at 13yo. I make it very clear that if I get a cranky kid the next day, there will be no more sleepovers. I don't need that. :glare:

[Garga]

My kids are 6 and 4 and we've been doing sleepovers for a few years.

 

HOWEVER, only with people we know VERY well and completely trust.

 

The kids LOVE sleepovers. They have a blast. Since they are still little, they stay up all the way till 9:00 and then fall asleep. They wake up around 5 or so, but stay in their room and come out around 7. Eat breakfast, then go home around 10 or 11.

 

It's a lot of fun. I used to love sleepovers as a kid.

 

But, if I ran into a family that said they don't do sleepovers I wouldn't be judgmental or insulted in any way.

 

And if someone we didn't know well asked our kids to come there for a sleepover, I'd say, "No, thanks" without an explanation.

[lionfamily1999]

We do sleepovers. We do not, however, require an explanation if someone says 'no.' I could not imagine needing or demanding a reason. A simple 'no' would suffice.

Edited June 16, 2009 by lionfamily1999

[lulubelle]

A family ministry we follow opened our eyes to a no sleepover policy. Just isn't necessary. Little sleep, cranky kids, and unknown stuff possibly going on. But, my husband heard a story from a man at church who told him that he also had a no sleep over policy, but let it go when the pastors son invited his son for a sleep over. It turned out that night the pastors older son got the younger kids into watching porn on the internet! Just so sad. Just what the man was trying to avoid and clearly thought he had. I think the no sleep over policy is a very good thing.

[Sheila in OK]

:iagree: This is why I hate sleepovers. We do them *very* occasionally (as in, birthdays and maybe once over summer break) and only with family. My dd doesn't like spending the night away from home so we only do them at our house. It hasn't been too much of an issue in our group of friends, but I agree that you don't really have to explain.

 

We only do the occasional sleep over with close friends. Among other things I can't stand the grumpy kids the next day. We survived the younger years with the "just say no" policy. And yes, it took many years, but dd's friend at church has found a Mom that is even stricter than me. Yea!

[SquirrellyMama]

Similar to PP's dh, I always just look at people like they are strange and say, "Why? He/She has a bed right here in our home he/she can sleep in." :D

 

I'm fine if people do not want to do sleepovers but I'd be a bit offended if this was the answer someone gave me. Why look at someone wanting to do a sleepover like they are strange if that isn't how you want to be looked at?

 

We do sleepovers but so far with about 3 families that we know well. They all have younger kids (none above 9). I also loved sleepovers as a kid. There is one that I can think of that I shouldn't have been allowed to attend. It was junior year hs after homecoming dance. It was a sleep over of friends and boyfriends. Yikes! My parents even knew the situation and still let me go.

Edited June 16, 2009 by kwiech

[dcjlkplus3]

Our kids do sleepovers with grandparents (not really the same thing).

My girls had their first one last night with a friend since birth. I am not opposed to sleepovers, but am NOT looking forward to discussing with my sister why my kids can stay with friends but not her and her daughters. (My husband says no, but I am the one she asks)

[Danestress]

No offense to the person who posted, but if I invited you to dinner and you said, "Why? I have food at home?" I would think that was weird, and I think the same thing about sleep overs. It's a very nice thing to invite someone over to eat, to sleep, to see a movie, and I think we have to respond nicely.

 

We've been a "no sleep over family" with your younger kids. Sleepovers just aren't my cup of tea. My sons are 11 now and there are two kids that they do sleep overs with once in a while, but it's rare and my reasons are many - the prime one being that they simply don't get enough sleep.

 

So I am not into sleeping over, but I think the best way to handle that is to thank the person graciously but to explain that we just don't do sleep overs. No one has *ever* pressed the point with me (besides my children, lol).

[angela in ohio]

I'm fine if people do not want to do sleepovers but I'd be a bit offended if this was the answer someone gave me. Why look at someone wanting to do a sleepover like they are strange if that isn't how you want to be looked at?

QUOTE]

 

If you knew me IRL, you'd laugh. Humor doesn't translate as well over the internet...

 

(I honestly don't understand the point of sleepovers at all, but I don't argue that point with those who invite, I just use humor to deflect the situation.)

[martinswife]

When I was young, my parents did not allow me to have anyone sleep over or to sleep over at anyone's house. My mom finally let me when I was about 10 or 11. This was at my neighbor's house across the street whose mom and my mom were friends and we played together every day. Anyway, my friend had an older brother who was like 19 or so. After falling asleep that night, I awoke the next morning with her brother passed out next to me on the bed! He hadn't done anything to me, but I was so freaked out, I got up and ran home! I didn't tell ANYONE! I never slept over at her house again or went over when her brother was there! I didn't go to another sleepover until I was 13 and it was with like 10 girlfriends. The girl hosting the sleepover had 1 little brother who was maybe 8. Anyway, my daughters are NOT allowed to sleep over ANYWHERE! Even when I have gone into the hospital to give birth, my husband has come home afterward and picked them up from my SIL's house and stayed home with them. The only person I feel comfortable watching over my girls is my SIL. My dd's friend's moms have talked about doing sleepovers for their next bday party (they are only 6 now!) and although they are Christians, I will not allow my dds to spend the night. Call me old-style, but I wouldn't sleep otherwise.

 

Adriana

dd7

dd4

dd10mos

[joannqn]

I think just saying you don't do them, without an explanation is best.

 

My 9 year old has slept over at someone's house twice. My 7year old has slept over someone's house once. We've had two sets of kids sleep over our house twice, as part of my son's New Year's Eve birthday. So, it's pretty rare here.

 

We knew (acquaintances) a family in which the children who would invite my daughter to sleep over nearly every time we saw them. We only saw them a couple times a year at homeschool park days. I finally sent the mom an email explaining that we allow sleepovers very rarely and only after we've really gotten to know the entire family, including dad, (We've never even seen dad, let alone meet him) and suggested we get together for a play date instead. She's never replied, and I haven't heard from her since.

[Nakia]

Definitely sounds like she is looking for some free childcare. And it will only get worse.

 

My girls are allowed to spend the night with my mother. That's it, period. They've spent the night with my best friend, whose daughter is their best friend, but I slept over too! Now, that was fun!

 

As far as having people friends spend the night here, we'll just have to see. We will deal with that as it comes. My best friend's daughter, mentioned above, has spent the night several times. But she is an awesome kid and I love her to pieces so she is welcome anytime!

 

I don't think you should have to explain anything at all. We don't have to justify our parenting choices! That's why they are our kids! Just be firm and matter of fact.

:grouphug:

[Guest dpreeju]

My daughter(6) thought it was okay to bring over her close friend home for a play date without consulting with me or her dad first. She walks home with her brother from school which is very close to home, and along comes her friend. Her mum came later on to ask if it was okay with me. I kept cool and said it was okay. When it was time to leave, the friend asks her mum if she can sleepover that weekend. I was dumbstruck. The mum seemed as eager as her and didn't try to talk her out of it, rather waited for me to reply(positively) from her facial expressions. Anyways, i gave in.

 

Another day the friend and her dad drops by unannounced asking if she can play for a while. I didn't want to be rude, so i said yes. (Yeh, a pushover, sigh! :crying: ) He comes up with excuses like didn't know the number, name blah blah... free babysitting more like :glare: .. when it was time to leave, the friend asks about sleepover, AGAIN! I was like what?!! But the mommy dearest was looking at me with those eager expressions.. ..........bloody hell.!!.no wayy.!!!. I said sorry.!!! lets think about it..

 

the mommy remembers to text me asking about the sleepover almost all the weekends until i openly ask them to leave one day, when yet again my daughter decides to bring her home for a play date.. I lost it.. I felt bad but i had to do it.. the mum was using me like a day care free of charge.. sorry lady!!! I felt better reading the stories here 'coz I thought i was the only one who had an issue with sleepover ... :seeya:

[eloquacious]

I can't really think of anything scandalous happening at any sleepovers I attended as a child, and I always had a blast, but so far we have only allowed my MIL and SIL to have the boys overnight. We have hosted my best friend's daughters when she gave birth to her first son, and then her son when she had her second son. I would be totally comfortable leaving our boys with her family, but the need/opportunity has never arisen.

 

The boys will have a 1-4 day "sleepover" at their cousins' house when I give birth. At this point I can't really picture myself saying yes to any other sleepovers, but we shall see what the future brings. Definitely not unless we are well-acquainted with the family.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This thread is 4 years old. . . 

[Jenny in Florida]

I agree -- if you start listing a bunch of reasons, or sound like you are in a debate, you suggest that you can be convinced to change your mind, that it's up for discussion. But if you would like to get to know them better, suggest an alternative, so you don't sound antisocial.

 

I saw a great saying the other day: Confidence is silent, but insecurity is loud.

 

It perfectly sums up how I like to approach these situations. When I feel confident in my decision, I don't feel the need to explain it much. I simply state it and move on.

 

I'll mention that we do allow sleepovers, lots of them. But when I confront something similar to what you describe, I just say something like, "I'm sorry, Timmy, but our family doesn't have sleepovers. Maybe I can talk to your mom about arranging a play date?"

 

That's it. There's no need to explain or defend.

[Jenny in Florida]

This thread is 4 years old. . . 

 

Ooops!

[Mom2TheTeam]

This thread is 4 years old. . . 

 

:lol:  I usually notice that.  I liked a few posts up-thread.  Opps!

 

Just to add my 2 cents since I've been reading an liking posts....My husband and I have not discussed it.  However, I plan to have a no sleep-over policy.  It hasn't come up, but if I have to I just plan to say, "We don't do sleep-overs. Would your whole family like to come over for a movie and/or game night?"