umsami Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I know some of the Mamas here have had experience with children who were born with addiction. My brother is a 30 year+ addict. About 8-10 years ago, he upped his game to cocaine, meth, and most likely oxy. In and out of jail his entire life for drug offenses... in and out of rehab, etc. He is in his early 50s. Apparently, when his girlfriend was last arrested, they gave her a pregnancy test in jail and she is preggers. She is 48 or 49, and has been in jail on major drug charges for at least 15 years.... manufacturing, selling, running a drug house. Currently she is in jail for the offense of "dangerous drugs". Not sure what that means, but probably not good. We kind of assumed that because of her age or her addictions, she'd miscarry, but she hasn't. She is now around 4 months pregnant. I have no idea what will happen, if the baby will be born healthy/alive, or what not. I don't know if CPS in Michigan will automatically take the child due to both parents being addicts. But I'm exploring if that does happen, do I want to step up as the only relative able to take this child. So looking for advice, experience, possible issues to expect, etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) I am on my phone and in transit so will be brief. This is coming from a place of caring for you and your children and sympathy for this baby. In your shoes I wouldn't do it. You are already dealing with quite a bit. And the child may end up with extreme special needs Edited February 21, 2018 by OneStepAtATime 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoseInABook Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 If CPS knows to flag the child to look for a positive meconium test in the hospital, then CPS will likely be involved. Sometimes they remove the child, sometimes they do not. If she's still in jail when she births the child, you can pretty much bet on the child being placed into foster care. It honestly depends on the child. There is a better outlook for a child who was only exposed to drugs compared to one who has alcohol exposure on top of the drug exposure. The child probably would have learning disabilities and perhaps ADHD or similar diagnoses. The majority of my previous foster children were exposed to some drug/multiple drugs or alcohol in utero. I have zero regrets fostering them and we're finalizing the adoption of two of my babies on Friday. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) Have a moment more. I would just add that while I don't have immediate personal experience I do have a relative that did this for their grandson. Hopefully someone with more solid feedback will respond since I don't have a ton of facts but I do have some feedback based on their anecdotal situation. I also totally sympathize with your wish to step in for this child and applaud you for your caring nature. In a perfect world you could step in and take this child under your wing and give the child a much better chance at a healthy and happy life. However, one of the things that consistently cropped up with my relative was the years of trauma the drug addict parents caused at one time or another, drifting in and out of their lives since the one parent was the child of the grandparents. That adult child caused havoc. It was a hard road. The other thing was the extreme attitude issues and health issues that cropped up as the child aged. Don't get me wrong. They saved his life. I am convinced of that. Both biological parents are dead. One from a drug overdose and the other in a shootout with police. It was a hard journey, though, and they only had the one child to worry about. Their other children were already out of the house when they took in their grandson. They also had a lot of financial resources and there were two adults in the home able to help since one retired soon after the child came to them and the other grandparent retired relatively soon after that. I just don't know, Umsami. You are having to deal with so much already... Edited February 21, 2018 by OneStepAtATime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 No advice. Many prayers. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I know some of the Mamas here have had experience with children who were born with addiction. My brother is a 30 year+ addict. About 8-10 years ago, he upped his game to cocaine, meth, and most likely oxy. In and out of jail his entire life for drug offenses... in and out of rehab, etc. He is in his early 50s. Apparently, when his girlfriend was last arrested, they gave her a pregnancy test in jail and she is preggers. She is 48 or 49, and has been in jail on major drug charges for at least 15 years.... manufacturing, selling, running a drug house. Currently she is in jail for the offense of "dangerous drugs". Not sure what that means, but probably not good. We kind of assumed that because of her age or her addictions, she'd miscarry, but she hasn't. She is now around 4 months pregnant. I have no idea what will happen, if the baby will be born healthy/alive, or what not. I don't know if CPS in Michigan will automatically take the child due to both parents being addicts. But I'm exploring if that does happen, do I want to step up as the only relative able to take this child. So looking for advice, experience, possible issues to expect, etc. Reading your post I realize I know a lot of people who have adopted or fostered babies born to drug addicts. One couple adopted a baby who born in prison.....since the bio mom was in prison most of her pregnancy baby avoided the worst of addiction.. Would it make a difference if the baby turns out to not be your brother's? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Are you able to contact her? Maybe there is somebody else already wanting to take the baby? What if she wants to keep in contact with the family? Would you be willing? Would you want to foster it until somebody can adopt or would you want to adopt it? What if it isn’t your brother’s? What if you don’t know it isnt his until you have had the baby for a few months? Would you still keep it? Can you handle multiple medical issues and the doctors appointments that come with them right now? Would you take the baby if it was terminally ill? Do so much research on drug addicted babies, or babies born to drug addicted parents, or older kids who were adopted that were from parents who were users. And figure out insurance issues. Just musing, really. I can’t remember everything you’re going through, but fwiw, I would also be very likely to also seriously consider taking a child like this regardless of whatever else I had going on. Even as a temporary foster. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I think there's no sure way of knowing. Ds was in the hospital 4 months dealing with withdrawalafter birth. 2.5 when he came to us. We've dealt with speech issues, reading delays, some concerning addictive behaviors, but overall, nothing major. But you just don't know. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoseInABook Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Popping back in with some practical thoughts. Are you willing to do visits bare minimum twice weekly for one hour each provided that parents are released from jail? You'll have doctor's appointments, possible therapy, family team meetings, and court dates as well. It's a lot to do but if you are committed to the child, it's worth it. There is a lot of people in your business all of the time. They dig into EVERYTHING. If you do take the baby as a kinship placement, consider being licensed as a full foster home so you receive the monthly fostering stipend, clothing allowance, etc that comes with being a licensed home. Also know that WIC is available for all foster kids which helps with formula and later on baby food. There are plenty of foster closets in the state to help with clothing the baby too and often foster parents will band together to provide the baby gear and other necessities you may need. It helps ease the financial strain of adding another person to your family. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Whether you decide to pursue this or not, I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts and love and hope. :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) If you have ever read any of my posts about my youngest daughter's struggles and the impact on my bio-kids, you will understand when I say.....run away from this situation and don't look back. If you don't know our story, then just know that worst case scenarios do happen and it isn't just the parents who are stuck dealing with it, it can absolutely shatter a bio-family's normal home life. DD11 (my bio great-niece) is likely drug affected and had a heaping dose of bad genetics too. We are likely the best case situation for a home for dd11, but it has cost us dearly when it comes to my older daughter, my marriage and my sanity (not kidding, I have PTSD from raising her). Edited February 21, 2018 by Tap 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixpix5 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I have three examples of this in my family. The first was my cousin who used meth in the first trimester and some in the second. She had triplets; one died and the other two have significant learning and behavior issues. The second was also a cousin who smoked weed and drank wine the entire pregnancy. Her son has been diagnosed with sensory issues, non specific learning issues and ADHD. He has violent outbursts as well. Third situation is the most bizarre. My uncle, who was 60 yo at the time, got his 44 year old girlfriend pregnant but they didn't know it. She thought she was going through menopause. She used crack cocaine, marijuana, cigarettes and copious amounts of alcohol through the entire pregnancy. She didn't know she was pregnant until she was in labor. No joke. Her daughter is now 12 years old and there isn't a single thing wrong with her. Mom ended up going to jail and my uncle has raised her. She is calm, focused, kind, gifted and an honor student. She is an avid snowboarder, does karate and plays piano. She is a living breathing miracle after the 9 months of incubation she must have been subjected to. I have also counseled dozens of teens who were adopted that had tough in utero beginnings. Some had mental health and behavior issues, some just had adoption issues and were perfectly fine otherwise. You just never know I guess is the moral of my story. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 With no way of knowing what the long-term outcome will be, I'd say only if you're prepared for the possibility of the absolute worst. With the ages of your kids, I would think that's probably a no. Wanting to do "what's right" is a lot easier than recognizing what's best for everyone involved. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) Not personal experience, but that of others. I would first attempt to convince the parents that the best thing is to do a closed adoption to someone not related. If you raise the baby, they will be in and out of the child's life exacerbating the physical problems with emotional ones. Going to an emotionally stable family without that baggage will give the child a much better chance of overcoming the obstacles. (Not saying you couldn't do it, but you would have a better chance adopting a stranger's child, so you could provide stability.) Just the lawyer's fees every time the parents get clean and sue for custody can make it a nightmare. It's my personal opinion, but I don't think blood trumps the trauma that the situation will involve. But all of the adoptive parents I know treat their children the same as those who have birthed theirs, so blood doesn't seem important to me. I know it is an extremely hard and painful situation for you to think about and decide on. Hugs to you. :grouphug: Edited February 21, 2018 by Joules 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I spent a summer taking care of a group of siblings that were being adopted by the family one right after the other due to a situation like you described. I don't know if the kids had drug or FAS similar but the parents involved were doing such a great job with them but they were there only kids. They were able to send the kids to Montessori school, rather than the local public. and those kids (I think there were four, this was about 35 years ago) were better behaved and more pleasant to be around than the one other girl I was also at times taking care of who was NT and just whiny and a bit of a brat. We also fostered an 8/9-year-old right before we had kids. I don't know if her mother had used but she was coming from a drug sellers/buyers background. She was intelligent, charming and when we took her to the psychologist because she was always lying and manipulative, we were told that yes, she was well on her way to becoming a (probable) non=violent sociopath. She hoodwinked at least one teacher in the private school we had her in, people at church, etc. We did not give her back because of just that but I was pregnant and we had just found out we would be moving cross country as soon as our baby was born (a topic on another thread here). I have also observed another mother who homeschooled doing this with babies. It was another job on top of her homeschooling the kids she had who were older and helped too. She was fostering young babies who were taken away and they also needed scores of appointments. The takeaway is that it is that fostering in particular even if the child is not so damaged from drugs/alcohol takes a lot of time, and is a big stress. The best people to handle that are people without other children or with children old enough to help. You do not want to have this extra burden throw you and your family into another more stressful place. Temporary placement is one thing, but long-term and adoption is very different as Tap said. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 The risks are mitigated by mom being in jail. I would do it in your position. My little brother and sister were foster-to-adopt and they're great kids, both born to meth addicted mom, with prenatal drug exposure. It's not nearly as scary/problematic as FAS. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 The risks are mitigated by mom being in jail. I would do it in your position. My little brother and sister were foster-to-adopt and they're great kids, both born to meth addicted mom, with prenatal drug exposure. It's not nearly as scary/problematic as FAS. And even with an open adoption YOU control the comtact. If they aren't clean and sober, no contact period. With no guilt. I have a good friend who just adopted a 10 year old girl with a drug addict mother. It is a foster to adopt but basically open adoption due to the age of the child. My friend and her husband send the mom pics once in a while ( agreed upon amount of times per year) but no contact and that includes no phone. The child is ok with this and she is thriving in her new home. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upennmama Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I have three children who were exposed in utero and all are amazing blessings. Foster care is an incredibly hard process. If you do this I would only do it with the legal protections of being an actual DHS license foster/kinship parent, not informally. One of my kids has no problems, one has CP, and one has some more medium issues. All are delightful kids and I’m thankful for them. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 What if it isn’t your brother’s baby? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I would first want to know if 1) are they drinking alcohol too? and 2) are they planning on taking advantage of court-ordered rehab and cleaning themselves up or not? Drinking during pregnancy causes much worse long term issues than drugs. We don't take infants with known alcohol exposure, the brain damage is too likely to end up with something approaching sociopathy as an adult. If they're doing drugs and only drugs, they may go through several weeks in the NICU going through withdrawals. The baby will likely have tremors and a high pitched scream like colic for many months. They will be more likely to experience complications like a stroke at birth, or issues with vision or hearing loss. They will be at higher risk for respirator failure, needing oxygen, and RSV. They may need to be swaddled to stay calm, but be so strong they can roll over sooner than 6 weeks, making it unsafe to leave them swaddled in a crib, forcing you to wear them in a baby wrap most of the day. The baby may be born with either high or low muscle tone, and need periodic follow up with a physical therapist to learn stretches and/or exercises to help. They will do best with a highly structured environment, meaning if you're more of a loose, feed on demand kind of mom the specialists will encourage you to have this baby on a schedule before 3 months old. They will be much more likely to have severe ADHD. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 We adopted a four sibling group from a similar situation. Past thread searches will give you more details. I can discuss through pm. It is a hard road. One it is hard to be prepared for. Although, I would do it all over again, there were days that were unbelievably hard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 If you're not sure you want to do this, you should know that most foster parents who take newborns are very good parents IME. They tend to be older professional couples who are financially secure, the mom can afford to be a stay at home parent and devote as much time and energy to the child's special needs and numerous appointments. They tend to have advanced knowledge about all aspects of child rearing and learn quickly about special needs. They tend to provide stable and secure environments. They tend to be the placement worker's favorite couples. They tend to adopt the children who come into their homes who can't be reunited with biological families. Most of them are happy for a baby to maintain contact with biological relatives as long as the relatives are functional and not a threat to the child's well being. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 My parents had this opportunity when my cousin was a baby. My dad said no because he didn't want the mother around our house. The child, who happened to be healthy and very bright, went to another relative. This is such a tough decision. It's probably true that you will have the mom around your kids more than you prefer. It is unknown what kind of issues the baby will have. Could be severe or the child could be essentially normal. In your shoes, I would probably agree to foster while the parents are in jail, but hold off on further decisions - take each day as it comes. I know that sounds kind of crazy. But there are so many unknowns here. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 My brother thinks the baby is his. I don't really know the Mom except for her rap sheet, so I have no idea. That is a good point, though....and DNA testing is so much easier/cheaper these days. I have no idea about alcohol issue, but I'm betting that there was at least some. I know my brother is still a heavier drinker, but if he can get drugs, he'll choose them over alcohol. I think his fiancee/girlfriend is the same, but I'm not sure. I think, in all honesty, if they can get a good family placement for the infant with a couple that can devote all of its time to this baby it would be better than my taking it with my four kids. So I think that should probably be the first choice. If that is not possible, then maybe we consider fostering until Mom is out of jail. Both my brother and I are adopted, so I have no issues with that...either adopting myself or giving up a child for adoption. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 I know some of the Mamas here have had experience with children who were born with addiction. My brother is a 30 year+ addict. About 8-10 years ago, he upped his game to cocaine, meth, and most likely oxy. In and out of jail his entire life for drug offenses... in and out of rehab, etc. He is in his early 50s. Apparently, when his girlfriend was last arrested, they gave her a pregnancy test in jail and she is preggers. She is 48 or 49, and has been in jail on major drug charges for at least 15 years.... manufacturing, selling, running a drug house. Currently she is in jail for the offense of "dangerous drugs". Not sure what that means, but probably not good. We kind of assumed that because of her age or her addictions, she'd miscarry, but she hasn't. She is now around 4 months pregnant. I have no idea what will happen, if the baby will be born healthy/alive, or what not. I don't know if CPS in Michigan will automatically take the child due to both parents being addicts. But I'm exploring if that does happen, do I want to step up as the only relative able to take this child. So looking for advice, experience, possible issues to expect, etc. CPS in this state may not automatically put the child up for adoption, but being born to a mother in jail on a serious charge usually means being placed in foster care or with relatives if the dad is known to them as an addict. If neither one has already had children taken by CPS, then this state is a bit notorious on the "bouncing back and forth front". Once one child has been taken away permanently, then future children are more readily removed and parental rights terminated more quickly. Until then, that first child can really suffer because he/she can bounce around between bios and care for four years before social services and the courts finally admit that the parent is not able to pull together on behalf of the child. Sadly, long term rehab is in short supply here despite the need. If your brother really wanted to parent, the state paying for some significant in-patient rehab would be the way to go, BUT it is not common in Michigan. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Also check the level of subsidy the child will get before you adopt. If it is low, likely it will not cover services that you need that Michigan Medicaid will not. You need state insurance and a good medical subsidy so you can afford respite help, in home therapy that might only be paid for out of home or even not at all, etc. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 Thanks Faith. Father has been in rehab (private pay mainly) on and off for at least 20 years. I know there were issues with his other children with CPS, but I don't believe any were removed. However, if they spoke to his now adult daughter, she would likely tell them that she should have been. She moved out at 14 to live with a friend's parents. Father is known in the system as a drug addict, but not sure if those records would make it to CPS. The house he currently owns is a known drug house to the local police. Once again, I have no idea if that information would make it to CPS or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Thanks Faith. Father has been in rehab (private pay mainly) on and off for at least 20 years. I know there were issues with his other children with CPS, but I don't believe any were removed. However, if they spoke to his now adult daughter, she would likely tell them that she should have been. She moved out at 14 to live with a friend's parents. Father is known in the system as a drug addict, but not sure if those records would make it to CPS. The house he currently owns is a known drug house to the local police. Once again, I have no idea if that information would make it to CPS or not. Passing credible information between agencies is not a strong suit here. But there is absolutely no harm in calling CPS, explaining the situation, and letting them know you are not sure if the baby is your brother's or not but that you are concerned if it is and wonder if they know about your brother's history and current place of residence. Give your name and degree of relationship because non-anonymous reports can garner more attention. It may not help, but it could because if someone listens and puts notes in the system, it may red flag when she gives birth especially if she births while incarcerated. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 Passing credible information between agencies is not a strong suit here. But there is absolutely no harm in calling CPS, explaining the situation, and letting them know you are not sure if the baby is your brother's or not but that you are concerned if it is and wonder if they know about your brother's history and current place of residence. Give your name and degree of relationship because non-anonymous reports can garner more attention. It may not help, but it could because if someone listens and puts notes in the system, it may red flag when she gives birth especially if she births while incarcerated. Good idea. I'll do that. Thanks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 My brother thinks the baby is his. I don't really know the Mom except for her rap sheet, so I have no idea. That is a good point, though....and DNA testing is so much easier/cheaper these days. I have no idea about alcohol issue, but I'm betting that there was at least some. I know my brother is still a heavier drinker, but if he can get drugs, he'll choose them over alcohol. I think his fiancee/girlfriend is the same, but I'm not sure. I think, in all honesty, if they can get a good family placement for the infant with a couple that can devote all of its time to this baby it would be better than my taking it with my four kids. So I think that should probably be the first choice. If that is not possible, then maybe we consider fostering until Mom is out of jail. Both my brother and I are adopted, so I have no issues with that...either adopting myself or giving up a child for adoption. To quote a relative that's a social worker, "It's never the first person they claim is the father. It's rarely the second person either." Unfortunately by the time they get to the point of that level of addiction, many women don't have a clue who the father is. DHS is only going to want you to take the baby in if you can commit to planning on adoption - with addiction histories that long, chances that they'll work the reunification plan are slight. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 And I agree, pass on any information you have. DHS has strange rules. In one case I know of, there was a Maury Povich style paternity fight on a woman's Facebook page, but DHS wasn't allowed to look at Facebook to figure out potential paternity suspects. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 My brother thinks the baby is his. I don't really know the Mom except for her rap sheet, so I have no idea. That is a good point, though....and DNA testing is so much easier/cheaper these days. I have no idea about alcohol issue, but I'm betting that there was at least some. I know my brother is still a heavier drinker, but if he can get drugs, he'll choose them over alcohol. I think his fiancee/girlfriend is the same, but I'm not sure. I think, in all honesty, if they can get a good family placement for the infant with a couple that can devote all of its time to this baby it would be better than my taking it with my four kids. So I think that should probably be the first choice. If that is not possible, then maybe we consider fostering until Mom is out of jail. Both my brother and I are adopted, so I have no issues with that...either adopting myself or giving up a child for adoption. If you are not 100% committed to adopting this child, no matter what their issues, do not pursue the child. Lots of people want newborns to foster/adopt. If you don't think you are committed for the long term, let the baby to go his/her forever home so they can bond with that family as soon as possible. This is how we ended up in our situation. We agreed to foster for a few months. DD11 came to us at 5mo. The parents were supposed to be getting her back once they jumped through some hoops (no abuse, just pending jail time for an old crime). By the time we figured out they weren't getting her back, we didn't think it was fair to the kid to make her go to another home. She was under 2yo and already violent. She was very attached to me. Due to her early behaviors, we thought she would get bounced in foster care and likely end up aging out. I would always blame myself for what ever she ended up with in life. I couldn't handle the guilt of making this poor kid change homes again. Back then I thought that through therapy, meds and treatments we could overcome the biggest hurdles. After well over 500 sessions, I now know we can buffer the edges of her issues, but she will always be dangerous. I know I made the best decision for her....but I sacrificed my older daughter and my marriage for her. I will never, ever be the same emotionally. If I could do it all over again, I would have never got involved. I love dd11 fiercely, but she has put my family through living hell and we will never regain what we lost. I have raised my kids and kept myself in a very abusive relationship. The abuser isn't an adult, but the permanent damage is just as significant. You know the old adage....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger......isn't true. You can break people and damage relationships, and when you try to put them back together, sometimes there are too many pieces broken to end up with anything resembling what you started with. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 (edited) Also check the level of subsidy the child will get before you adopt. If it is low, likely it will not cover services that you need that Michigan Medicaid will not. You need state insurance and a good medical subsidy so you can afford respite help, in home therapy that might only be paid for out of home or even not at all, etc. Yep! DD gets $300 a month, inexpensive daycare and medicaid. Nothing else. And I have to jump through extensive (ie faxing 30- 50 pages of documentation) hoops every 6/12 months to get those. When we fostered she got more because she was considered special needs due to medical issues but she doesn't qualify now. Her issues are considered mental health, not medical now, so she just gets child support. (we are permanent legal guardians) ETA/ Part of the legal/financial issues are related to the fact that she was removed from care in Oregon and we live in Washington. She doesn't qualify for the support programs in Oregon, because she doesn't live there, even though we are only 15 minutes from the county her case it based out of. Interstate compacts (during the foster years) help, but are also complicated. Edited February 22, 2018 by Tap 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 (edited) Don't go the foster until the parents come out of prison route. It will kill you if the mother takes her and goes back to drugs. Her best chance of a good home is as an infant. She would probably be safer in an out of family adoption somewhere the mother is unable to get too easily. Edited February 22, 2018 by kiwik 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 If you are not 100% committed to adopting this child, no matter what their issues, do not pursue the child. Lots of people want newborns to foster/adopt. If you don't think you are committed for the long term, let the baby to go his/her forever home so they can bond with that family as soon as possible. This is how we ended up in our situation. We agreed to foster for a few months. DD11 came to us at 5mo. The parents were supposed to be getting her back once they jumped through some hoops (no abuse, just pending jail time for an old crime). By the time we figured out they weren't getting her back, we didn't think it was fair to the kid to make her go to another home. She was under 2yo and already violent. She was very attached to me. Due to her early behaviors, we thought she would get bounced in foster care and likely end up aging out. I would always blame myself for what ever she ended up with in life. I couldn't handle the guilt of making this poor kid change homes again. Back then I thought that through therapy, meds and treatments we could overcome the biggest hurdles. After well over 500 sessions, I now know we can buffer the edges of her issues, but she will always be dangerous. I know I made the best decision for her....but I sacrificed my older daughter and my marriage for her. I will never, ever be the same emotionally. If I could do it all over again, I would have never got involved. I love dd11 fiercely, but she has put my family through living hell and we will never regain what we lost. I have raised my kids and kept myself in a very abusive relationship. The abuser isn't an adult, but the permanent damage is just as significant. You know the old adage....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger......isn't true. You can break people and damage relationships, and when you try to put them back together, sometimes there are too many pieces broken to end up with anything resembling what you started with. The trauma these poor children may have suffered can be lasting and will affect everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 No advice, only :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Are you in close proximity to where the parents are from? Another alternative, if the baby does go into care, is to be a respite provider for the Foster family, maintain contact as a relative, etc but not take placement. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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