DD's doctor irritated me today.

[Lisa R.]

While I realize HIPPA laws protect a patient's privacy, I get irritated when this applies to my child who is still under our insurance. If my dd gives permission, I still have a right to be in the office or room with the doctor.

 

Once my child turned eighteen, the doctor pretended I was no longer in the room. When my dd and I sat across from the desk the doctor was sitting at discussing my child's ongoing health issues, she looked only at my daughter when she spoke. If I ask a question, the doctor will look at me and answer. Otherwise, she only speaks to dd. I know dd is moving toward independence, but I do think most 18 year olds still need help and guidance from their parents. While dd is normally very articulate, she seems to leave our details when speaking to the doctor.

 

I listened to the discussion and only speak up when I feel it is necessary. She is still young and forgets some of the details that may help the doctor diagnosis the problems. I'm trying *hard* not to be the overbearing mother. On the last two visits, the doctor has let me know that she does not appreciate my presence once I've asked a couple of questions. (Sometimes dd goes alone, and sometimes I go with her.)

 

Today the doctor was trying to diagnosis a problem. She doesn't feel dd has an infection but knows there is something wrong. She's sending off lab work and plans one more test. Shortly before the doctor left the room, I mentioned that dd is unusually pale, so I knew that there had to be some issue going on. Looking back, it wasn't the brightest thing I've ever said, but I wanted to relay my concern about dd to the doctor, especially since she was insisting dd doesn't have an infection.

 

She looked at me and said, "Oooookay," as if to indicate that I'd said something not too bright. Then she condescending said, "Well, *that's* why I'm trying to find out what's wrong with her."

 

This doctor is typically good natured. She is very friendly to dd. She is friendly to me when I visit her as a patient. However, she seems to want me to know that she does not appreciate or want my presence if I choose to speak up.

 

The doctor seems to be a good one at solving some of dd's health issues. The doctor's attitude toward me is my only complaint.

 

Anyone else experienced this?

[AnnetteB]

Oh yeah, I ran into something similar to this with our oldest sons. The pediatrician wanted to talk to them alone about sex, drugs, smoking, etc. The boys said they wanted me in the room and proceeded to tell the astonished dr. that they intended to wait for marriage, had no intention of smoking, drinking, or trying drugs, BUT if they did that they could talk to Mom and Dad about it. They answered that, "Yes, I know that I could buy condoms if I need them." The doctor really wasn't used to such articulate kids. I tried to imagine what crisis this guy had seen and how maybe he thought he was helping them by giving them "a chance to have an open discussion." Dh says that he had "alone visits" with his pediatrician and thought that the docs meant well by it.

 

That said, we experienced a maddening health crisis with the college infirmary with our third child. He didn't tell us that he was ill and went in to see the campus dr. who diagnosed him with an infection "caused probably by hygiene issues" without any tests to confirm. Apparently, the last 3 young men presenting with such symptoms were not cleanly types.... After several days on an antibiotic and in terrible pain he was seen again. They refused to give him anything for the pain since college kids in their opinion are just wanting pain meds. They sent him to a radiologist...still not suggesting that Mom and Dad be phoned and he was a bit embarrassed by the entire diagnosis, etc. Finally, he phones me from college to tell me that he has testicular torsion and that they are telling him that he has to "wait it out" for the next six weeks! I asked his permission to do the "mom thing" and scheduled him that day with a urologist and he was taken into surgery. Really, sometimes it takes a full adult with experience to ask the right questions and I really believe that parents need to be advocates for their children.....sorry to go on so, this is a touchy subject for me!

 

Our dd, was pale, headachy and tired all the time and it turned out that she has low iron...really low and unhealthy cells at that. Our current pediatrician was a peach running the test for that :)

[PiCO]

If your daughter is 18, the doctor should be talking to her and not you. Your daughter's legally an adult.

 

That said, adults are always welcome to bring someone with them to a doctor's appointment. Maybe your daughter should say she wants you in with her to make sure the doctor gets all the details of her current issues. Maybe the doctor think's you're being an overbearing mother because she hasn't heard otherwise from your daughter.

[JoyfulMama]

If your daughter is 18, the doctor should be talking to her and not you. Your daughter's legally an adult.

 

That said, adults are always welcome to bring someone with them to a doctor's appointment. Maybe your daughter should say she wants you in with her to make sure the doctor gets all the details of her current issues. Maybe the doctor think's you're being an overbearing mother because she hasn't heard otherwise from your daughter.

 

:iagree:Well said!

[Lisa R.]

If your daughter is 18, the doctor should be talking to her and not you. Your daughter's legally an adult.

 

See now, this rubs me the wrong way. We're paying her insurance. We're paying her doctor bills. We're paying her living expenses. Sure, she's legally an adult, but she's without real adult responsibilities. I don't intend to follow her into the office when she's 25, living on her own and paying her own expenses. However, she's not yet equipped to answer or ask all the questions.

 

The doctor seems to disagree with me. I'm sure others do, too.

 

I appreciate your viewpoint, though. You expressed this nicer than the doctor did. :) I'm struggling to find the balance of supporting my child while still giving her independence.

[littlebug42]

I understand why the doctor would speak to your daughter but you are her mother, your daughter has you there with her so I feel there should still be some respect there on the part of the doctor. My daughters are younger but an attitude like that from a doctor is one thing I will not tolerate. No one knows my children better than I do and most of the time, I know more about what is going on with them then they do. My younger daughter has some issues and we are now on our third orthopedist, who we drive 6 hours one way to see, and our second urologist who we drive an hour to see. Probably at this point though your daughter is going to have to speak up and let the doctor know in no uncertain terms that you are going to be part of her care.

[Harriet Vane]

If your daughter is 18, the doctor should be talking to her and not you. Your daughter's legally an adult.

 

That said, adults are always welcome to bring someone with them to a doctor's appointment. Maybe your daughter should say she wants you in with her to make sure the doctor gets all the details of her current issues. Maybe the doctor think's you're being an overbearing mother because she hasn't heard otherwise from your daughter.

 

:iagree:

 

I wonder if you should turn your energies to coaching your daughter through that situation? Perhaps help your daughter write her concerns in a list ahead of time so that she doesn't forget those details? The doctor legally has no other option but to deal directly with your daughter, who is a legal adult.

[Lawana]

I've often transported and accompanied my MIL (who lives with us and is dependant on us) to the Dr, and while I try to let her handle things as much as possible, I find that lots of doctors will at least look at me occasionally, as if to acknowledge that I may be part of the information/ decision making loop.

But I think that it is handled entirely differently with young persons - teenagers and preteens. There's almost a militant atmosphere of "they should be handling this themselves." "Legally an adult" is given much more weight than "a dependant still at home not ready yet to face the world alone." It seems clear that the parent is regarded as the "enemy" at times. My dd12 has Type 1 diabetes which requires routine dr. appts. every 3 months, so I have seem this end of the spectrum as well. I am not looking forward to what the next several years will bear. We do plan on keeping dd in our homeschool until she is 19, so that she will continue to have insurance coverage for insulin and supplies and we will be able to help her with the relentless blood sugar checks, carbohydrate counting, and insulin dosing that must be done multiple times each day, every day- no vacations, no breaks.

 

Lawana

[bkpan]

 

I'm sure you have your daughter's best interests in mind. However, I'm a little weirded out by your instance that she is "not yet equipped to answer or ask all of the questions". This is about her body and her health concerns. I think at 18 she should be able to handle that. Unless there is some reason why she cannot speak for herself, the doctor is in the right here. Legally your daughter could insist you not be in the room. It wouldn't matter if you are paying the bills or not. The fact that she wants you with her should mean a lot to you. That she feels comfortable involving you in her life and with her health issues says a lot about her relationship with you. What more could a parent ask for in that case?

 

How does your daughter feel about the doctor? Does she feel confident that the doctor will address her concerns? That is what matters. Not whether or not you like the doctor.

 

I don't mean to come across in a harsh way, but I think you need to start letting your daughter learn to be an adult. In part that means taking care of her own health concerns. There is nothing wrong with you being supportive. But insisting that the doctor treat her like a child is not the way to go.

 

You know, I was thinking the same thing. Your adult dd may need your help more in growing in self-confidence and independence. I agree with the idea of coaching dd in handling authority figures and really, backing off, allowing your dd to grow up. I dont want to sound harsh either, but I really cant imagine my mother attending a doctor visit with me at 18yo, and I do consider us quite close. Who pays for it has absolutely no relevance, IMO. HTH

[Sonshine]

once. The doctor looks us all in the eye, speaks to everyone, and and treats everyone with utmost respect. I left the room for any physical exam. There are reasons for people of any age to bring someone to the doctor with them. Unless the doctor thinks the presence of another person is under duress, the doctor should include whomever the pt. wants included.

[ChristusG]

I totally get what you are saying. Moms tend to have more "push" to get the doctors to figure out what's wrong with their kids. A good doctor should acknowledge mom's presence and role during a doctors appointment. I mean, 18 is just a number....an 18 year old is still very much more a teen than an adult. Yes, she needs to gain independence, but having mom at the doctor and adding things here and there is not going to make her incapable or anything like that. There's something about walking into a doctors office and you suddenly forget the mental list of things you need to tell them. Heck, I'm 28 years old and I still do that. I even have MY mother come to the doctor with me at times to help me remember what to say/ask them. And the doctor acknowledges her and answers all of her questions. She asks them things and remembers things that I would not have thought to ask them. Sometimes when you are the patient, it helps to have someone there who can look at the situation from a different perspective and say what needs to be said to the doctor.

[Paz]

I am surprised at all the reponses that seem to indicate the mom needs to "back off." If I was sick (and I am well over 18 :lol:) and the Dr. did not know what was wrong with me and was trying to figure it out I would probably want my mother or dh to go to my appointment with me. I would not care if they asked questions and I would not appreciate my doctor being short with them. My brother and I have both had ongoing health problems from about age 17 on. It was very helpful having an advocate go with us. It is difficult to remember all the questions to ask and more often than not we worked with the doctors to make suggestions and ask for testing to determine what was wrong with us. Before I was married my mother would often attend appointments with me and my husband would go after I was married. All of my doctors treated them with respect and talked to both of us and answered both of our questions.

 

Maybe you have extremely mature and together 18 year olds who can handle being sick, trying to find a diagnosis, and advocating for themselves. My ds is 19. While he is very mature and capable and can handle just about any crisis on his own he still calls to ask questions and get advice. This summer he was away from home working at a summer camp and got poison ivy which developed into an infection. They were thinking that it might be staph. I think it would have been bad of me as a parent and friend not to give him advice about what to ask the doctor, what tests to ask for, etc. If he was in town, he probably would have appreciated dh or I going there with him. I hope the tone of this comes across right. I am just surpised because we tend to look at things differently. I don't want to sound angry or condescending. (I am in a bad mood about other things tonight and don't want it to come across here:))

[OnTheBrink]

The law doesn't care who pays for the insurance or the bills. The law says that she has the right to privacy regarding health issues. The doctor may have been trying to drive the point home that your dd is legally an adult and she's not obligated to tell you anything.

 

If your dd is comfortable with it, ask her to sign a release of info, allowing you the right to her health info. Then, there's no issue with the laws and what the doctor can say in front of you.

 

But, just because you pay the bills and the insurance doesn't mean you have the right to your daughter's medical information. She's a legal adult now.

[Holly IN]

I firmly believe if the parent is paying for the insurance and/or the child is on their insurance plan then parent is to be respected. :glare::glare:

 

I really feel that this dr was very disrespectful!! Sorry I will have to be the odd one out on this.

 

Even though the child is legally an adult (which is laughable) at the age of 18 but is still on the parents insurance plan and still living with the parent then the dr needs to respect the parent!!

 

 

That is my take on it!

Holly

[cathmom]

I firmly believe if the parent is paying for the insurance and/or the child is on their insurance plan then parent is to be respected. :glare::glare:

 

I really feel that this dr was very disrespectful!! Sorry I will have to be the odd one out on this.

 

Even though the child is legally an adult (which is laughable) at the age of 18 but is still on the parents insurance plan and still living with the parent then the dr needs to respect the parent!!

 

 

That is my take on it!

Holly

 

Why is it laughable?

[OnTheBrink]

Insisting that one gets to call the shots because they are paying the bill reduces the 18 year old to a piece of property. I think an 18 year old has a right to privacy regarding their medical issues. If they want their parent there that is fine. Maybe it was rather insensitive of the doctor to ignore the parent. I wasn't there. But I don't get the argument "I pay the bill, I get to be there".

 

Good point. :iagree:

[fivetails]

Sometimes when you are the patient, it helps to have someone there who can look at the situation from a different perspective and say what needs to be said to the doctor.

 

:iagree:

 

I've gone to the doctor with a friend before - and she's well over 18 - who is quiet and shy, because she wanted me there. Had the doctor been rude, I'd have been ticked as well. If the OP's daughter wants her mom there, then her mom has every right to be there and the doc should treat her with respect. :)

 

(sidenote: this kinda had me start wondering..I've seen other threads where people spoke of their kids being over 13 and the docs not needing to tell the parents anything...I'm thinking that's prolly a US thing, I don't know what the laws are in Canada..but I'm wondering how that works with a special needs child... Or even when they get to 18... Our son will never be able to make medical decisions for himself, visit docs on his own, etc. He'll never live on his own. So I wonder what happens when he turns 18? He'll continue to live with us, I'll still be taking him to any and all appts...what do they do then, I wonder....Never really thought about it before.. of course, he's only ten! ;) )

[PiCO]

We're paying her insurance. We're paying her doctor bills. We're paying her living expenses. Sure, she's legally an adult, but she's without real adult responsibilities. I don't intend to follow her into the office when she's 25, living on her own and paying her own expenses. However, she's not yet equipped to answer or ask all the questions.

 

I agree that your dd needs adult help at the doctor, but she needs to express that to the doctor. I think Hippa puts doctors in a difficult place. No need for them to get snippy, though.

 

As an adult, sometimes I wish I had another adult at the doctor with me! It's hard to think of the questions I need to ask while I'm there.

[Highereducation]

I'm with the OP on this issue.

 

For years I had ongoing medical issues that required doctor visits on average of every three months. The issues started at about age 18. Due to things that were going on in my family at the time, I handled most of those visits alone.

 

It is very difficult as a patient, especially one who is not feeling well, to take in all of information provided during a doctor visit. There were many times that I didn't agree with the decision the doctor was making, be it for tests or medication or even surgery, yet there was an intimidation factor. As a young adult, the doctors expected me to submit to their know-how simply because they were older and had a med school degree.

 

When I was about 28, I was told by someone who worked in a hospital never, ever to try to go it alone. She was adamant about the need for an advocate, a second pair of ears, an independent perspective. I've never forgotten that advice.

 

I find it very ironic that people are strongly encouraged to accompany elderly relatives or friends to the doctor for just that reason, while the same medical personnel have a problem if a parent tries to be that same safety net for her child.

[Alice]

Sounds like the doctor was unreasonably snippy with you. (And I just wanted to use the word snippy because I like it. :)) If your daughter hasn't done it already, it probably would help if she expresses to the doctor that she wants you there. But there is no reason for the doc to be rude in any circumstance.

 

As far as the law goes though, it's not really the doctor's choice whether or not to share info. By law they cannot share information with you if the person is over 18. And by law, adolescents have the right to seek medical care for drug/alcohol/sex or reproductive issues confidentially. It's the law and the law doesn't give an out if the parents are still paying for the insurance. I've had this issue brought up by parents many many times but in reality there isn't anything we can do about it as long as the law is the way it is.

 

Still not an excuse for rudeness though.

[fivetails]

(sidenote: this kinda had me start wondering..I've seen other threads where people spoke of their kids being over 13 and the docs not needing to tell the parents anything...I'm thinking that's prolly a US thing, I don't know what the laws are in Canada..but I'm wondering how that works with a special needs child... Or even when they get to 18... Our son will never be able to make medical decisions for himself, visit docs on his own, etc. He'll never live on his own. So I wonder what happens when he turns 18? He'll continue to live with us, I'll still be taking him to any and all appts...what do they do then, I wonder....Never really thought about it before.. of course, he's only ten! ;) )

 

Yes, a person that young does not have to tell a parent stuff regarding STDs/pregnancy and substance abuse. I believe the reasoning behind that (and I agree with it) is that we don't want a person to avoid seeking treatment for drug abuse, or an STD because they are afraid of their parent finding out.

 

One can be the decision maker for a person of any age if the circumstances warrant it (and they are legally appointed to do so).

 

But shouldn't the parent of, say, a 13 year old girl, NEED to know if their child has something medically wrong? (I'm talking typical kid in this case, not a sn kiddo)....I cant imagine my daughter - she's 12 - heading into a doc's office alone and trying to make medical choices. She's a little kid! I don't know what our laws are here (Canada), if they're like the US or not....(I find it very contradictory - a 13 year old kid could make medical decisions - that could potentially be life risking - but they can't sign up for swimming lessons without parental permission. ??).....

 

Yeah with our ds10 ...I guess when he's 18 we might have to get some legal paper or something...(talking about "severe disability" here, as they often classify him) ....funny, I just never really thought about that...we know he'll always live with us, never be capable of living on his own...I just never considered some of the little legal bits.... *thoughtful* ...still eight years away though.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think I too would back off a bit. I COMPLETELY understand that you're CONCERNED. However, my daughter's doctors don't talk to me either. I really TRY not to pipe in and only go in if dd wants me to.

 

What *I* would do is teach dd to advocate for herself. For example, it is a good idea for people to spend a little time the few days before an appointment to write down symptoms and such. If they write down what they can remember 2 or 3 days before, they can add to the list if they need to. She could do the same thing with questions for the doctor. More than a couple times, I've also said things like, "my hubby says...." which your dd could change to "my mom is concerned about XYZ."

 

Anyway, by encouraging her to do these things, she'll become more independent and confident. And she won't forget to mention things.

 

BTW, another consideration....doctors KNOW we don't remember everything when we go in. They ask leading questions to get a better idea. And they'll know even more questions to ask after getting test results.

 

Obviously, we, as patients, MUST give as much information as possible, but a good doctor can help us even if we leave out a detail or two.

[Guest Katia]

However, she seems to want me to know that she does not appreciate or want my presence if I choose to speak up.

 

The doctor seems to be a good one at solving some of dd's health issues. The doctor's attitude toward me is my only complaint.

 

Anyone else experienced this?

 

My adult dc are 24yo and 19yo. and I have a 16yo.

 

In the waiting room, when the nurse calls their name to come back, I always ask them in a clear voice so that all can hear: "Do you want me to come with you, or are you ok on your own?"

 

Once they say they want me with them....that's the final word. Their word. And quite frankly, my dc always want me with them. Well....this last time my 24yo ds actually went in and had his ingrown toenail operated on without me there. That was a 'first' for him, but I was happy to let him deal with it. He was ready. Before then, he was not. My 16yo dd wants me there with her ALL the time EVERY time, as does my 19yo dd.

 

In your situation, I would have called the dr. on the attitude right then and there. "Excuse me, but dd requested that I come with her" (turn to dd "isn't that what you wanted?")

 

After an affirmative nod or response from dd, I would have again addressed the dr. "Do you have a problem with the observation of dd's palor that I just gave you?"

 

Let her explain. If she truly does not want you in with dd, even at your dd's request, or continues her attitude, then fire her. Find a new DR. She's not the only dd that can help your dd.

 

But, as to who pays the bill.......I know as a mama bear protecting my cubs I want to agree with you, but in principal....my dh pays my medical bills and when I go to the dr. I do NOT want him in there with me. There are things I need to discuss sometimes (just as an adult teen may need to discuss with the dr.) that whomever is paying the bill simply does not need to hear. I wouldn't ever want dh to think he had the right to come into each of my medical appointments simply because he was paying the bill, kwim?

 

This is also the reason I always ask aloud in the waiting room. Then there is no mistake. All know what the patient wants.

Edited February 26, 2009 by Katia
Find a new DR....NOT a new DD...sorry :-)

[Karen sn]

I am 36 and still would welcome my mom in the doc's office.

Your dd needs to learn how to communicate with the doctor - I think your presence helps. Sometimes our family members see something we do not.

 

And - if a doc said, "OOOOOOOkay" in that tone to me - I would immediately ask if there was a problem and why she talking to me in that tone. Then I would tell her that I expect to be spoken to with respect or I will find a better doctor.

 

And I would!

[Jackie in NE]

As in, when you get the sense from the Dr. that you're not wanted in the room..... just ask him/her...... "Excuse me, do you have a problem with me being a part of this?" Get it out in the open. Let your dd express what her desires are..... Let the Dr. say his/her piece. Then, if you don't agree, get a new Dr. The point of the whole thing is to get the best care for your dd, not what is, and what is not legal age, and also not what the Dr.'s opinions are with respect to the raising of children, and the involvement of parents.

 

An aside...... I have recently accompanied my 82 yr. old mother to two Dr. visits, in order to help her in her fight with cancer. She requested me there so that I could keep all the facts straight, and give the Dr. details that she might forget. The Dr.s were very respectful to me. I don't think that's any different than what you're talking about with your dd.

 

Our focus was on getting the best care for my mom. We all just wanted to get an accurate exchange of information.

 

When I hire a Dr., I want his/her medical advice, not an attitude about rights!

[pageta]

I'm with the OP on this issue.

 

For years I had ongoing medical issues that required doctor visits on average of every three months. The issues started at about age 18. Due to things that were going on in my family at the time, I handled most of those visits alone.

 

It is very difficult as a patient, especially one who is not feeling well, to take in all of information provided during a doctor visit. There were many times that I didn't agree with the decision the doctor was making, be it for tests or medication or even surgery, yet there was an intimidation factor. As a young adult, the doctors expected me to submit to their know-how simply because they were older and had a med school degree.

 

When I was about 28, I was told by someone who worked in a hospital never, ever to try to go it alone. She was adamant about the need for an advocate, a second pair of ears, an independent perspective. I've never forgotten that advice.

 

I find it very ironic that people are strongly encouraged to accompany elderly relatives or friends to the doctor for just that reason, while the same medical personnel have a problem if a parent tries to be that same safety net for her child.

 

I totally agree with this post. I had some medical issues in my mid-twenties and my mother went with me (she had to drive me). But she was able to think of things I might not have thought of. She gave me confidence to speak up.

 

A doctor is an authority figure, and it wasn't until I was in my thirties that I finally had the confidence to stand up for myself when I needed to. Even then, I still wish I had someone with me to help be an advocate. It's hard to stand up for yourself when you're being a victim, but when you see someone else being victimized, it's much easier to say something.

 

Doctors are people, too. Yes, they are trained to ask questions. But they inevitably bring their own opinions and biases to the conversation. And they are an authority figure so they can be very intimidating even to the boldest among us. Eighteen is very young to be handling a medical condition by oneself.

[fivetails]

then fire her. Find a new dd.

 

I know it's a typo, but this made me ---> :lol:

[Karen sn]

 

 

I don't mean to come across in a harsh way, but I think you need to start letting your daughter learn to be an adult. In part that means taking care of her own health concerns. There is nothing wrong with you being supportive. But insisting that the doctor treat her like a child is not the way to go.

 

I find it ironic that we don't let 18 yo kids make decisions regarding alcohol, and yet we consider them adults.

I do not feel that this woman was expecting her dd to be treated as a child. I took it to be that she expected the doctor to treat the pt's mother with some respect.

 

I have gone many times to the doctor with adult friends - both when they were seeing the doc and when I was seeing the doc. Any doctor who does not respect that healing is holistic and DOES involve one's family/friends is not a doctor I personally would EVER go to.

[Guest Katia]

I know it's a typo, but this made me ---> :lol:

 

:lol::lol: I didn't catch this at all! My dd and I are reading your post and laughing our heads off.....guess I should find a new DR. not a new DD! :lol:

[Parrothead]

I agree that your dd is going to have to make it known that she wants you involved. If she doesn't you will continue to have these type problems.

[StaceyinLA]

My oldest dd is almost 20 and I still go with her to the dr often (if she asks). I was with her the first time she went to the gyno (though I didn't stay for the exam part, but she was nervous). The dr discussed sex with her in front of me (well, asked if she had been active). Dd told her it was fine to ask whatever with me in there. Then, after I left, she did ask her again if she had been active just to be sure she wasn't saying no because of me.

 

Just a couple of weeks ago, I took this dd to her pediatrician (yes, she still sees him) because she had a sore throat. I stayed with her during the appt. She had horrible strep. She couldn't have driven herself to the dr, and she asked me to come in.

 

This dd works and is now paying her own health insurance. She is actually quite independent, yet she still wants me there sometimes. I see nothing wrong with that. And, if I'm there, I expect that the dr will be considerate of me and what I have to say (and they have).

 

I also take my mom to the dr a lot, and have ever since her heart surgery. I have had no issues with those doctors either - they have all been very appreciative that someone has been with her who could fill in any gaps in information.

 

I guess I'd be pretty ticked to have been treated like this.

[swellmomma]

 

I'm sure you have your daughter's best interests in mind. However, I'm a little weirded out by your instance that she is "not yet equipped to answer or ask all of the questions". This is about her body and her health concerns. I think at 18 she should be able to handle that. Unless there is some reason why she cannot speak for herself, the doctor is in the right here. Legally your daughter could insist you not be in the room. It wouldn't matter if you are paying the bills or not. The fact that she wants you with her should mean a lot to you. That she feels comfortable involving you in her life and with her health issues says a lot about her relationship with you. What more could a parent ask for in that case?

 

How does your daughter feel about the doctor? Does she feel confident that the doctor will address her concerns? That is what matters. Not whether or not you like the doctor.

 

I don't mean to come across in a harsh way, but I think you need to start letting your daughter learn to be an adult. In part that means taking care of her own health concerns. There is nothing wrong with you being supportive. But insisting that the doctor treat her like a child is not the way to go.

 

:iagree: By the time I was 14 my mom dropped me off at the dr's office when I needed to go and picked me up when I was done, she didn't come in with me at all. I would be very embarassed if she had tried to come in with me and then take over the talk with the dr. Help coach her through how to discuss the concerns with the dr, coming up with a list of questions etc. Definitely still go there for support if she wants you there but as support only not as her voice with the dr.

[Barb_]

If your daughter is 18, the doctor should be talking to her and not you. Your daughter's legally an adult.

 

See now, this rubs me the wrong way. We're paying her insurance. We're paying her doctor bills. We're paying her living expenses. Sure, she's legally an adult, but she's without real adult responsibilities. I don't intend to follow her into the office when she's 25, living on her own and paying her own expenses. However, she's not yet equipped to answer or ask all the questions.

 

The doctor seems to disagree with me. I'm sure others do, too.

 

I appreciate your viewpoint, though. You expressed this nicer than the doctor did. :) I'm struggling to find the balance of supporting my child while still giving her independence.

 

Weeellll.... it's your choice to take on her support right now. If you were still paying her expenses at 25, would you still follow her into the office? Financial support really isn't everything. I understand your point that she needs to be guided, and if there is something potentially serious going on, I would agree with your need to be closely involved. Heck, if there was something potentially serious going on with my husband, I'd be following him in too. He isn't famous for asking the right questions. But I think you'd be better served by thinking of your 18yo as an adult because that is the way the law (and other people) see her. As a previous poster said, there's nothing wrong with hanging around and asking questions, but your daughter really needs to give permission in front of the doc. He's in an awkward place...although he is helping put himself there. Really, he should be upfront and tell you exactly what he needs from you and dd in order to move forward. Sarcasm really isn't getting him anywhere. Maybe you're giving off resentful and irritated vibes without realizing it?

 

Barb

[MBM]

I'm all for bringing an advocate along. Many times I'll accompany my MIL, and her doctors have no problem with it. It's so much better for both the patient and medical personnel to have as much information as possible in order to successfully diagnose and treat a condition.

 

You might also want to talk with your daughter about keeping her own medical records. Here is a helpful site if you're interested:

 

http://www.myphr.com/faqs/index.asp

[rainforest mama]

I think it really depends on the person. I went off to university at age 17 and couldn't imagine my mother coming in to the doctor's office with me at that point. I have always been very responsible and more mature than my age though.

 

However, my mother could probably use some help from me in the doctor's office since she is severely Aspie. I have been her advisor and confidant since I was a young girl. She really needs someone to take charge of the situation for her.

 

I really don't think the financial aspect of this discussion means anything. If a person needs help with a doctor, the doctor should respect that, whether or not the person involved is over 18 or being paid for by someone else.

 

JMHO, Lana.

[JFSinIL]

My kids are 17, 17 (autism), 15 and 12. If they are seeing the doctor because they are really SICK, then I am there with them. If it just a check-up, it is their call. Usually I am there to make sure the kid mentions x,y or z then, if it my 17-yr-old ds, I leave. If it is his autistic twin, I leave only if the doctor needs to see anything not suitable for a mom's eyes ;). For my dds, so far I have been staying, per their request.

 

This reminds me I need to find a regular doctor for the twins by late Sept. Sigh.

At least our pediatric dentist is in practice with her hubby the regular dentist so I do not have to hunt for new dentists for these almost adult kidlets!

 

When my oldest goes off to college fall 2010 I am pretty sure he will call me if he gets sick.

[AnnetteB]

I've often transported and accompanied my MIL (who lives with us and is dependant on us) to the Dr, and while I try to let her handle things as much as possible, I find that lots of doctors will at least look at me occasionally, as if to acknowledge that I may be part of the information/ decision making loop.

But I think that it is handled entirely differently with young persons - teenagers and preteens. There's almost a militant atmosphere of "they should be handling this themselves." "Legally an adult" is given much more weight than "a dependant still at home not ready yet to face the world alone." It seems clear that the parent is regarded as the "enemy" at times. My dd12 has Type 1 diabetes which requires routine dr. appts. every 3 months, so I have seem this end of the spectrum as well. I am not looking forward to what the next several years will bear. We do plan on keeping dd in our homeschool until she is 19, so that she will continue to have insurance coverage for insulin and supplies and we will be able to help her with the relentless blood sugar checks, carbohydrate counting, and insulin dosing that must be done multiple times each day, every day- no vacations, no breaks.

 

Lawana

Our dd, 10, has type 1 also and it seems that our endocrinologist appreciates our involvement and it is really a Team Effort. We've been told that the successful diabetes patient always has someone looking out for them. I know that when I am ill, I am not necessarily the clearest thinking and sometimes dh has to say, "You need to see the doctor." Likewise, I have had to take him in hand and send him to the dr.....or drive him to the ER! It is polite to ask if one should stay or go when the doctor sees the patient, but I think that a good doctor appreciates how a family participates in healing and care.

[Tammy]

Well I am on my husband's health insurance....but I don't pay for it....he does. So does that mean all my medical information is given to him? No....I would hope not.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

At this point it means that I go and sit in as I would for a friend. She and the doctor do the talking and I interject if I have questions or feel something is being missed - same as I would if I was accompanying a friend. I serve as backup.

[Janet in Toronto]

Another POV.

 

My DS is 17. I have been trying to get him to be more independent and responsible wrt his health care. He will be going away to university in the fall and needs to feel comfortable managing these things on his own. He is very good about managing school work, exercise, and diet. This is one more area that he is ready to grow in to.

 

For example, he recently hurt a finger playing sports. I drove him to the doctors office and waited in the reception area, but told him to go in on his own, explain his problem, and take notes if necessary. If he needed me, he was to have the nurse bring me in. He was reluctant at the beginning, but he gained a huge sense of self-confidence from this. He had to get an x-ray after the appointment, and he went up to reception, signed himself in, and got the xray while I read a magazine. He also had the doctor write the name of a recommended topical cream on a piece of paper so he could take it to the pharmacy. I was very proud of him.

 

I have started doing the same thing with the dermotologist. This guy is bad about talking to me and not to DS, and it makes me crazy. He peers around at his skin (acne is the issue), then turns and talks about it as if DS is not even in the room. From now on, I'm in reception, but he sees the doc on his own. If he needs a health advocate, or is very unwell, I"m there to talk for/with him. But otherwise, he needs to learn how to manage these interactions on his own.

[Ria]

Like it or not, the law says that your dd's medical information is protected from you. Unless there's a specific reason you need to be in that office, I'd let her handle it herself. If you wish to speak to the doctor, have your dd ask the doctor if it would be okay if you come into the room or speak with her afterwards.

 

Our doctor is a good personal friend of our family, but he's strict about HIPPA law, too...and I don't go into the room with my kids, either.

 

Ria

[lllll]

At this point it means that I go and sit in as I would for a friend. She and the doctor do the talking and I interject if I have questions or feel something is being missed - same as I would if I was accompanying a friend. I serve as backup.

 

Same here.

 

I can't imagine sending dc in to talk about medical things with a doctor. I mean, good grief, I have a B.S. in Medical Technology and I even have to ask for clarification - frequently. How is the kid supposed to know what the heck the doctor is talking about! And what doctor wants to have his patient's mother calling him on the phone to try to figure out exactly what his instructions were after trying to decipher what the kid came out with? I mean, if the doctor wants to sit and write detailed instructions which the kid can pass on to me, fine. Including side effects and other such details which, in my experience, the doctor doesn't even mention unless asked about. It's a one-in-a-million doctor who will take the time to do that - or even has the time. And it's not really his job to educate my dc about medical issues either. He's there to practice medicine - not teach it.

 

The way I've always handled this is by doing a lot of explaining before, sometimes during, and mostly after, any and all encounters with anything medically related. I want them to know what to expect, what kinds of questions to ask right then while they have the doctor in the room, how to recognize when something's not right, etc. I model this for them and encourage them to ask and talk also. I don't just throw them out there to sink or swim. Not with health issues. Too much at stake there. And way, way too easy for an overworked nurse or doctor to make a simple mistake which could have lifelong consequences. ............IMHO

 

Also, I wouldn't start this process with the doctor's visit. I explain medical things to our dc constantly. Just yesterday we had a discussion about pneumonia - the different kinds, the symptoms, the dangers, how it generally kills, etc. - which came about as a result a cold which 20yod has. And every time I hear they've added a new shot to the mile-long list which they now inject into newborns, I begin a discussion about that whole mess. I explain to them that should they ever have children, despite what the doctor may tell them, they CAN opt out of the shots or spread them out over a period of YEARS vs months, etc. Most doctors won't tell them this.

 

It's more about teaching them to think, IMHO. Law or no law.

 

FWIW

[AnnetteB]

:iagree:

[Holly IN]

My oldest dd is almost 20 and I still go with her to the dr often (if she asks). I was with her the first time she went to the gyno (though I didn't stay for the exam part, but she was nervous). The dr discussed sex with her in front of me (well, asked if she had been active). Dd told her it was fine to ask whatever with me in there. Then, after I left, she did ask her again if she had been active just to be sure she wasn't saying no because of me.

 

I also take my mom to the dr a lot, and have ever since her heart surgery. I have had no issues with those doctors either - they have all been very appreciative that someone has been with her who could fill in any gaps in information.

 

I guess I'd be pretty ticked to have been treated like this.

 

I am floored too!! I thought the OP problem was how the dr treated her. It is evident in the post that her dd wanted her there. My goodness....If I had to go in alone at the dr at the age of 18 I would have passed out. :001_huh: Really...I didn't want to go to the dr by myself!! After I got married I mustered up enough energy to go by myself. At that point I was ready. I wasn't ready at age 18.

 

I am really surprised at how many of you are telling this mom to back off. I am floored by this!

 

Holly

[LizzyBee]

Even though the child is legally an adult (which is laughable) at the age of 18....

 

Why is it laughable? At 18, I was married. I lived 1000 miles from my parents, made a budget, paid all my bills on time, grocery shopped, went to the dr and dentist by myself, bought my own clothes, cooked, cleaned, etc.

 

As to the OP's question, I think if her daughter wants her there, the doctor should respect that. Hipaa rules don't apply if the patient waives them.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I am floored too!! I thought the OP problem was how the dr treated her. It is evident in the post that her dd wanted her there. My goodness....If I had to go in alone at the dr at the age of 18 I would have passed out. :001_huh: Really...I didn't want to go to the dr by myself!! After I got married I mustered up enough energy to go by myself. At that point I was ready. I wasn't ready at age 18.

 

I am really surprised at how many of you are telling this mom to back off. I am floored by this!

 

Holly

 

Just a different perspective, I guess. I can't imagine my mom going to the doctor with me when I was 18. And I only go to my older kids' appointments when I'm invited. (And if the docs need more info than they're getting (IMO), I've been known to email them.)

 

We work stuff like that out via discussion. I have access to my 19 y/o ds's medical info, but our mutual agreement is that this access is for one specific problem. Everything else is his business unless he makes it my business. He's a grown person. And I always ask dd(16) if she wants me to accompany her to appointments. So far, she wants me to. But when she's 18, unless she specifically asks me, she will be on her on in that regard.

 

None of this has any relevance to the OP if her dd wants her there. But I do find it a bit odd to be going to the doctor for general checkups with another adult unless there's a specific issue that I and only I have information about. But I think this is our family comfort zone. We also make it a point to bring up relevant medical history that our kids will need once they hit fifteen or so. (For example, my dd's history of blood clots which would contraindicate certain birth control methods later on, etc, or our family's mental health history and the attendant vulnerabilities that they may face.)

 

Also, we're not dealing with major illnesses and complex medical issues, so there's that factor in our way of doing things.