Skills for Successfully Launching into College Life

[pehp]

For those of you who have launched a child into college, what skills or experiences have you found are most helpful in making that a smooth transition? My son will be 11th grade next year (though he’s an older 10th grader now). I’m trying to be proactive in thinking this through. I’m not just talking about academics—although there is that—but also socially, emotionally, practically. All kids are different, but he’s: 1) a boy 2) an introvert (albeit a very friendly and theatre-involved one!), 3) not a child with close friends, 4) very cerebral, 5) a bit of a procrastinator/easily distracted. I think he’ll need some transition help. 

My 13-year-old daughter, on the other hand, could probably go to college today and win at everything. 😄 Such different humans! 

[happypamama]

My young adults have chosen not to go to college right away, but I would say these are things that they have needed to know or that helped us when we transitioned to college back in the stone age. 

 

1) Knowing any medical diagnoses, how to get more meds, how to reach a doctor. They may need you to assist in scouting out doctor and pharmacy at college.

 

2) Laundry

 

3) How to ask for help, and how to be a student that professors want to help -- be proactive, check for office hours, let the professor know if you are struggling, etc. I was far better prepared for this than my husband was, and it was harder for him than it needed to be. 

 

4) I am not a partier, and neither are my kids, so I am not an expert at all, but especially if they're at a school known for partying, I'd discuss that with them, don't accept drinks you didn't see opened, etc. I'm sure someone else will have more useful info. 

 

5) Stress that they can always call you, any time, day or night. If they're worried or struggling or overwhelmed, call home. They don't have to be alone. One kid lives on their own, near enough that I can be there quickly if needed but far enough away that they handle daily life on their own. But they text or call if they're unwell or overwhelmed, and they know that if nothing else, I will help them prioritize and figure out where to start. 

 

6) Go join a club or activity. Go to the new student open house type stuff. Then you're not the only newbie. A part time job can also be a good option for an introverted kid-- it helped my one kiddo talk to people and make some friends without a lot of pressure. (Of course, balancing studies can be a lot for some kids.)

 

And for you, know when to hover and when to back off. Reach out to let them know you're thinking of them and that they aren't forgotten but don't bug and be okay if they don't respond immediately. Help but let them handle (and stumble!) too. Understand that their schedule may be different when they come home, and be understanding. My kid has also asked that if we make big changes to the house (their home for almost two decades), we let them know, and I remember that from my own college years, that it could be very jarring if my parents made big changes, even things like painting a room, without telling me. 

Edited April 20 by happypamama

[Farrar]

I firmly believe kids who are leaving home for colleges should take a trip away from home solo beforehand at least once. I think kids struggle sometimes when they've literally never been away from home. Camp, pre-college program, weekend trip to auntie's in another state. And take the bus or the train solo if possible. I just think these are life experiences for kids that help a lot. They build confidence and independence that kids need.

Cleaning skills are kind of key. Dishes, vacuuming, laundry. They need those to live in a shared space where no one is cleaning for them.

The ability to ask for help. They'll have to walk into office hours, the writing center, the math tutoring center, etc. and ask for help on an assignment. Or explain to a prof why they need an extension. Or ask for help with an internship. Or finding a job on campus. Or getting a letter of rec or a reference. Seriously, this generation struggles with this in my experience. They have to get comfortable with asking humans for help and not assuming that an internet site will take care of the thing for them if they just navigate the system just right.

[ScoutTN]

Adding to the above lists:

Basic budgeting - with an app is good.

Seconding away from home experiences, especially longer than a week. 

 

 

[rzberrymom]

I think taking at least one dual enrollment class REALLY helps. That way, he’ll already have the hang of asking for help, going to office hours, navigating a campus, emailing professors, using Canvas, etc. The stress of transitioning to living alone is plenty for a kid to deal with, so I think it’s nice to already feel confident about the things above.

[8filltheheart]

Self-management, meaning

1-they manage their daily life responsibilities independently--cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, automobile maintenance, etc

2-they know how to budget time appropriately--balance academic time with healthy living necessities (physical, mental, and spiritual needs)

3-they are strong independent thinkers with healthy self-esteem who do not succumb to peer pressure (for example, saying no to going to a party when other priorities take higher precedence)

4-they know how to budget $$ (Our kids do not get to go to the bank of mom and dad for $$ withdrawals at will. Food, gas, medicines, toiletries...$x needs to be budgeted to make sure all expenses can be met.....iow, real life.)

5-they know how to self-advocate (this applies to all areas of life....drs, teachers, employment.)

[royspeed]

5 hours ago, 8filltheheart said:

5-they know how to self-advocate (this applies to all areas of life....drs, teachers, employment.)

In a two-part article, my wife and I explored in some depth the skills involved in advocating for oneself:

• Advocating for oneself, Part 1 —  How adolescents learn to stand up for themselves;
• Advocating for oneself, Part 2 — College admissions essays & interviews.

I just re-read parts of these articles; I think they hold up quite well. — Here's an extended excerpt from Part 1:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Homeschooled vs. public school students
Now you've probably already noticed that homeschooled students often have a natural advantage in their dealings with adults: students who have never done time in the public school system have never absorbed the false values and wrongheaded norms that often prevail there.

The fact is, students in the school system often seem to view all adults, including their teachers, as adversaries: it's us against them. They've learned from an early age that the smart move is to game the system at every turn; it's what the cool kids do. The teacher or the coach or the principal is part of the system and therefore to be deceived, placated, jollied along, or even treated with open hostility; the notion of being sincere and open, of developing real relationships with such adults, based on mutual respect, may be a foreign concept — one that never enters their minds.

The shame of it is that students who fall into this mindset not only distance themselves from their teachers; they may never develop a real commitment to learning, never become real students.

Fortunately, as a result of homeschooling, many of our students don't have to overcome this mindset. They're accustomed to dealing with adults, and they're already inclined to view teachers as allies and, best of all, mentors who can guide them through the labyrinth of learning. For a student with this mindset, a healthy relationship with a teacher can then become a template for other important relationships with adults — like relationships with employers.

The strategy: Invest in adult relationships
So we parents must encourage our students to invest in their relationships with adults.

Such investments are like savings accounts: make regular deposits, and you will one day reap the benefits. College professors, for example, often learn of opportunities students aren't necessarily aware of — fellowships, research projects, internships, special programs involving study abroad, and so on. The students whom professors steer toward those opportunities will most likely be students they're already in relationship with — and especially students they've come to like and respect.

There's another type of benefit that comes from strong relationships with teachers — a benefit your student will need if something ever goes wrong. Imagine, for instance, that while at college, your student encounters a crisis of some sort and is likely to miss a deadline for a report or essay. In that circumstance, a student who is in relationship with the teacher — and has already earned his or her respect — can draw on that account, request that he or she bend the rules or relax a requirement, and that student may find the teacher surprisingly cooperative, even encouraging.

Now there are a number of learnable skills and practices vital to cultivating a strong relationship with a teacher. What follows is our guide to these skills and practices.

Classroom skills & practices
Our students' advocating for themselves begins with their behavior in the classroom — and here we have in mind both physical classrooms and online classes.

We're often surprised when, at the end of a semester-long class, a parent tells us, Emma says this was the best class she's ever taken. She loved every minute of it… Yet from our perspective, as Emma's teachers, she was silent and seemingly unengaged throughout the entire course.

The point is, being engaged is not sufficient. Your student must be visibly engaged, an active participant. We recommend that parents coach their students to do all of the following:

• Ask questions. Honest questions bring you into relationship with the teacher, signal your readiness for dialogue. Honest questions also indicate your genuine engagement with, interest in, curiosity about the subject matter of the course — and to a good teacher, few things are more welcome than intellectual curiosity.
• Don't hang back. Some students are reluctant to jump into class discussions. In our experience, such shyness is usually traceable to students' fear of being judged, i.e., they're not as smart as other students, not as articulate, insightful, or original. Parents can help by simply getting their students to voice these fears, tell the truth: they want to be liked, and respected; they don't want to seem stupid... For some students, simply voicing these fears can help loosen up those fears. The key is that our students be honest with themselves about what makes them hang back.
      Now a student may make reasonable-sounding excuses, telling his or her parents things like There was something I wanted to say, but another student said it first... — when what actually happened was something like this: The student hung back, waited, and waited, watching the other students volley ideas and observations, and someone eventually said what the student was thinking. — So Another student said it first..., though technically accurate, is not honest reporting.
• Insist on understanding. In class and with homework, when something doesn't make sense to you, engage with the teacher about the point you don't understand. — And take heart: If you don't understand it, it's likely that others don't as well, and you'll be the one who had the courage to say I don't understand. The teacher will respect you for it.
   

[kbutton]

6 hours ago, 8filltheheart said:

5-they know how to self-advocate (this applies to all areas of life....drs, teachers, employment.)

We’re still in the prep phase, but this seemingly straightforward statement is a whole rabbit hole for kids with language issues who appear to be relatively neurotypical and on the ball. Just a heads-up for anyone listening in with that mix of not fun stuff!!!

@royspeed, I love this post. It’s so true from my older son, though he didn’t go on to college (but it applies on the job too!). He actually has language issues too, but they show up differently.

With my second who has quirky language issues—the first chunk of the post set him up to not believed when we get to the part about insisting on understanding. Participating and building up those relationships makes adults use shorthand with him, consider him really with it, and because he either doesn’t know he’s taking things too literally or rigidly, or because my kid is struggling with something that is “too dumb to be a real question for such a smart kid,” he is left high and dry. It’s quite tragic and has created utter drama for us all year with DE classes.

Again, awesome advice. If you find that these things go sideways with your particular kid, I just want you to know that you are not alone!!!

We are in the process of finding out how to have this kind of a disability accommodated, and we’re finding (so far) that it’s not really acknowledged or supported except with paid programs and coaching (very expensive) that might or might not even consider him a good fit.

[idnib]

I don't have any specifics except to say the biggest factors in DS's college readiness were having a job, volunteering, taking dual enrollment courses, and most importantly, brain development.

When DS was finishing 10th grade like yours is now, I was really wondering how it was all going to come together in a way that he could thrive in college and have the right skills. But things really gelled his senior and gap years and I feel it was based on brain development and trying to get him to do things too early would have been counter productive. When he was young I tried to teach him how to tell time because it was the next lesson in Singapore so that must be when to do it, right? After days of those time-telling struggles I gave up and came back a while later and it took less than half an hour. Lesson learned!

[8filltheheart]

My kids have all been more than prepared academically, even without DE. They have not all been ready to move out and go away to 4 yr college, though. I personally think moving out and going to college away from home is a different set of skills than going to class and earning a degree. Our current college sr was definitely not ready to juggle all the balls 4 yrs ago. She has lived at home and commuted. She has done a huge amt of maturing the past 4 yrs.

But, for our family college is not seen as some sort of rite of passage where they get to go off and learn to become adults by whatever means. College is simply a single option out of many for planning a path to adulthood. But, being able to function independently as an adult is a prerequisite from our perspective for moving into a college campus.

[lewelma]

I wanted to add that it is OK for kids to not be completely independent when they go off to college.  My ds went from homeschooling in NZ with mom-made curriculum (and no DE) to attending MIT in the USA. There was no way I could prepare him for that - not the educational rigor or the cultural differences (both schooling type and country).  So almost every night he would call to ask questions about how to organize assignments and make a study plan, but more importantly to get a listening ear while he tried to sort out the emotional rollercoaster that was this adjustment phase. He had no experience dealing with kids like the ones he was going to school with, and he didn't understand the cliques and rivalries (especially the 30 MOP kids -- the kids who went to the US top math Olympiad camp together the prior year). It took about 3 months to find his feet, and we were with him during that process.

Just saying, that not all things can be prepared for. His transition was smooth, but only because we continued to be heavily involved in the first semester.

Edited April 23 by lewelma

[Bootsie]

I think an important category of skils is "making choices"--everything from understanding that choices are an every day part of life, having strategies for making choices, learning to accept the consequence of choices, and knowing how to learn from poor choices.   Time management and money mangement are really about making choices.  

[ScoutTN]

@idnib What did your Ds do for his gap year? 

I think one would be very helpful for my Ds and I’m trying to get lots of ideas of what that could look like.

[Roadrunner]

I agree with @lewelma. Mine was certainly lacking in all skills other than academic and has been learning slowly. Now almost finishing up his freshman year, he can do a lot he wasn’t able when he started out (from vacuuming to attending an office hour). He hasn’t been away from home prior to college. 

[8filltheheart]

14 hours ago, lewelma said:

I wanted to add that it is OK for kids to not be completely independent when they go off to college.  My ds went from homeschooling in NZ with mom-made curriculum (and no DE) to attending MIT in the USA. There was no way I could prepare him for that - not the educational rigor or the cultural differences (both schooling type and country).  So almost every night he would call to ask questions about how to organize assignments and make a study plan, but more importantly to get a listening ear while he tried to sort out the emotional rollercoaster that was this adjustment phase. He had no experience dealing with kids like the ones he was going to school with, and he didn't understand the cliques and rivalries (especially the 30 MOP kids -- the kids who went to the US top math Olympiad camp together the prior year). It took about 3 months to find his feet, and we were with him during that process.

Just saying, that not all things can be prepared for. His transition was smooth, but only because we continued to be heavily involved in the first semester.

There is zero way that I have time to be there to offer that level of support to my adult kids in general.  The only exception has been with our autistic ds and that is simply bc he absolutely lacked the skills to function as an adult and has had to have direct support to not only navigate but also be micromanaged to learn the skills (over almost 15 yrs).   My other kids only get peripheral support once they graduate from high school and zero academic support.  They have to learn to manage all of those balls on their own.  Our dd who has lived at home had a time to learn how do them all gradually.  But, I have no clue what goes on in their college classes other than just simple 30 sec sharing.  (ETA: emotional support, otoh, is always available  🙂 )

Edited April 23 by 8filltheheart

[idnib]

4 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

@idnib What did your Ds do for his gap year? 

I think one would be very helpful for my Ds and I’m trying to get lots of ideas of what that could look like.

He mostly did the things I mentioned. It wasn't an official gap year where he had been accepted to college and taken a year, rather it was a year after high school. He just didn't feel ready and I think that would have been the case regardless of the fact that the pandemic kept him home a lot during those prime high school years when kids turn more outward to the world.

He worked and taught classes at the local dojo, volunteered and lead groups at the local aviation museum, took classes at a couple of local community colleges, and did all of his college applications. The last part he was really happy to have not done during fall of his senior year!

He spent time in such varied conditions from teaching martial arts to 6-year olds to working on repairing airplanes with elderly volunteers, and from leading public tours to taking classes with people of many backgrounds than him gave him some good experiences.

[Malam]

20 hours ago, lewelma said:

he didn't understand the cliques and rivalries (especially the 30 MOP kids -- the kids who went to the US top math Olympiad camp together the prior year)

I take it they were all a clique? Where did the rivalries come in to play?

[Malam]

2 hours ago, idnib said:

He mostly did the things I mentioned. It wasn't an official gap year where he had been accepted to college and taken a year, rather it was a year after high school. He just didn't feel ready and I think that would have been the case regardless of the fact that the pandemic kept him home a lot during those prime high school years when kids turn more outward to the world.

He worked and taught classes at the local dojo, volunteered and lead groups at the local aviation museum, took classes at a couple of local community colleges, and did all of his college applications. The last part he was really happy to have not done during fall of his senior year!

He spent time in such varied conditions from teaching martial arts to 6-year olds to working on repairing airplanes with elderly volunteers, and from leading public tours to taking classes with people of many backgrounds than him gave him some good experiences.

Did taking college classes after graduating affect his ability to apply as a freshman?

[lewelma]

23 minutes ago, Malam said:

I take it they were all a clique? Where did the rivalries come in to play?

No they were not all a clique, --some of them really hated others, and some worshiped the top IMO kids, and some just needed a group so they didn't have to meet new people at uni. To get to the MOP level, you have to be very competitive. So there was a lot of jockeying to figure out your position in the pecking order when they got to MIT and met new kids. Some were like we are the USA MOP group so we are the best.  The MOP kids had a certain vibe, and although my ds did all the competitions and had met some of them at the IMO, he in general tried to steer clear of them.  Lots of non-MOP kids were collaborative rather than competitive so he hung out with them, and some of the MOP kids were trying to break away from the clique (and one of these will be in his wedding in July).  Very strange stuff from my ds's point of view who had spent a quiet life in NZ working from home at his own speed. 

[lewelma]

6 hours ago, 8filltheheart said:

There is zero way that I have time to be there to offer that level of support to my adult kids in general.  The only exception has been with our autistic ds and that is simply bc he absolutely lacked the skills to function as an adult and has had to have direct support to not only navigate but also be micromanaged to learn the skills (over almost 15 yrs).   My other kids only get peripheral support once they graduate from high school and zero academic support.  They have to learn to manage all of those balls on their own.  Our dd who has lived at home had a time to learn how do them all gradually.  But, I have no clue what goes on in their college classes other than just simple 30 sec sharing.  (ETA: emotional support, otoh, is always available  🙂 )

Oh I hear that!  I just wanted to give a different viewpoint for people who needed to hear it, who have kids that need to go to university for many reasons but are not totally ready to do it independently. My younger also needed lots of support in his first year in university.  He has dysgraphia and he was not actually ready to go to university from the point of writing, but for our family dynamic (and other reasons), I could not teach him anymore at home.  So in that first year I acted as an intensive writing coach and tutor. We could have hired one, but it was free to use me and more efficient as I had been working with him on writing for 3 hours a day for 6 years so knew how to help.

All I'm saying is that there is a discourse that says that kids must be independent at 18, and not all cultures or families do it that way.  

[Clarita]

I was not "prepared" for college, went to public school so I was not prepared really academically or being independent. Unless your student really doesn't care about going to college or doing well in college they will be able to find help. TA's and professors are available for help and are usually quite clear how and where to get their help (IMO at any reputable school that should be a minimum). A student does have to be motivated enough to seek the information (by looking it up or asking), showing up to class, going to the office hours, etc. Help won't seek you out but if you ask help will be there.

Professors/TA's will give tidbits on how to study for their classes, RA's/friends can show you how to do your laundry, the bank will help you write that rent check, etc. An NT student who is motivated to succeed in college can figure it out. I'm also pretty sure you'd be able to handle that random phone call from your college child to ask "Mom what detergent do I buy to wash my clothes!!"   

[ScoutTN]

Are there really 18 yo kids who don’t know how to do laundry? 😱🙄 

[Clarita]

49 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

Are there really 18 yo kids who don’t know how to do laundry? 😱🙄 

Relax, it was an example. I did need help figuring out the campus coin/card operated machine, because the one I used at home didn't have need to have money inserted into it. Someone took a minute to show me how to start it. 

[Lori D.]

1 hour ago, ScoutTN said:

Are there really 18 yo kids who don’t know how to do laundry? 😱🙄 

Yes, there really are.

We encountered one when doing a campus tour. As we passed a young woman with her university tour guide, the woman was saying in ALL honesty, in a rather put-out tone, "But, who's going to do my laundry?!!" And the tour guide was responding, "You do your own laundry. Every dorm has laundry facilities..." 

😱

[pehp]

13 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Are there really 18 yo kids who don’t know how to do laundry? 😱🙄 

I’ve had to make a concerted effort to allow myself to allow my kids to do their own laundry, because I. love. laundry. And am rather jealous of anyone else using my washing machine. 🫣 However when they were both 10 years old they learned to operate and wash. I suspect the tricky bit for most college kids is operating those pay-as-you-go machines and, well, remembering to do it!!! 😄

[pehp]

On 4/22/2024 at 9:38 PM, Bootsie said:

I think an important category of skils is "making choices"--everything from understanding that choices are an every day part of life, having strategies for making choices, learning to accept the consequence of choices, and knowing how to learn from poor choices.   Time management and money mangement are really about making choices.  

YES this resonates with me so much. A framework for making choices is essential to good adult functioning, I think, so one isn’t tossing along on the sea of “whatever feels right” or “whatever is easiest,” etc…..because making choices NOW is what leads to the things later. I’m waiting for my 16 year old to fully understand this. He’s excellent at making good money choices but is struggling with time…I am choosing to see this as a process of maturation. We talk a lot about how the me of tomorrow (or next week, month, year) will either thank or curse the me of today for the choices I make…. 

[ScoutTN]

@pehp Laundry at every college we looked at is free. No coin-fed machines. No card swipes. Just regular, commercial size machines.

Edited April 24 by ScoutTN

[SKL]

15 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Are there really 18 yo kids who don’t know how to do laundry? 😱🙄 

LOL dare I admit that my 17yo asked me recently how I fold t-shirts?  😛

 But yes, especially certain international students who grew up with household help.  My friends grew up having dhobis collect their laundry & return it clean and pressed.

I spent a fair amount of my dorm life teaching friends how to do various household tasks.  I've been thanking my mom ever since.  😛

[SKL]

2 hours ago, pehp said:

I’ve had to make a concerted effort to allow myself to allow my kids to do their own laundry, because I. love. laundry.

Same.  Washing dishes too.  Bad mom!

[Frances]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

LOL dare I admit that my 17yo asked me recently how I fold t-shirts?  😛

 But yes, especially certain international students who grew up with household help.  My friends grew up having dhobis collect their laundry & return it clean and pressed.

I spent a fair amount of my dorm life teaching friends how to do various household tasks.  I've been thanking my mom ever since.  😛

Or international students who grew up without appliances and only know about washing clothes by hand, but not how to operate a washer and dryer.

[Clarita]

4 hours ago, pehp said:

He’s excellent at making good money choices but is struggling with time…I am choosing to see this as a process of maturation. We talk a lot about how the me of tomorrow (or next week, month, year) will either thank or curse the me of today for the choices I make…. 

Time choices I learned in college and my first job. Part of it was maturing and part of it was finally getting the space to figure out what really works for me. My mom was much more of a finish the work without break kind of person and I needed to marinate (or a pause) in my work kind of person. So part of my learning time management was to figure out what kind of breaks (length of time and what I was doing) lead to productive work and what breaks were detrimental. 

[pehp]

4 hours ago, SKL said:

Same.  Washing dishes too.  Bad mom!

SAME.  Because no one washes like I do.  I am the master!!!! 😉 But we'll sometimes put fun music on and make the kids do it--and I leave the room so I don't have to witness it all. It gets done, and everyone is happy!

[pehp]

5 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

@pehp Laundry at every college we looked at is free. No coin-fed machines. No card swipes. Just regular, commercial size machines.

OH MY WORD!!!! I had no idea.  You mean I can stop setting aside quarters for my son to take to college?! This is excellent--so much easier than coin-operated laundry. 

[happypamama]

Some kids will not learn time management the hard way. Some kids will struggle to learn it at all. They may do just fine in college because they thrive under the pressure of the last minute.

 

Not that I know from personal experience or anything. . . I graduated with honors and high distinction, and still, the only paper I managed to write before last minute was my senior honors thesis and only because my advisor had me send him parts periodically. 26 years later, and I am still unable to do things ahead of time very well, but I can crank them out once the time crunch hits and I can hyperfocus. I've never been evaluated for ADHD, but it seems pretty likely. Sometimes what we think means they will learn from failing or feeling miserable from staying up all night or whatever does not in fact mean they will, and they may need more scaffolding with their executive function. 

 

 

[SKL]

28 minutes ago, happypamama said:

Not that I know from personal experience or anything. . . I graduated with honors and high distinction, and still, the only paper I managed to write before last minute was my senior honors thesis and only because my advisor had me send him parts periodically. 26 years later, and I am still unable to do things ahead of time very well, but I can crank them out once the time crunch hits and I can hyperfocus. I've never been evaluated for ADHD, but it seems pretty likely. Sometimes what we think means they will learn from failing or feeling miserable from staying up all night or whatever does not in fact mean they will, and they may need more scaffolding with their executive function.

I was that way with papers too.  It just never felt "done" in my view.  I turned many papers in late!  I was a good writer and all that, but just never got the "finish" part down.

40 years later and I still have finishing trouble!  At this point, I just need to retire and put it all behind me.

[Roadrunner]

57 minutes ago, pehp said:

OH MY WORD!!!! I had no idea.  You mean I can stop setting aside quarters for my son to take to college?! This is excellent--so much easier than coin-operated laundry. 

No more coins, but also not free. My kid uses a card. In fact anytime I offer him cash for anything, he looks at me as if I were from another planet. He doesn’t understand how cash is used. 😂

[kirstenhill]

1 hour ago, Roadrunner said:

No more coins, but also not free. My kid uses a card. In fact anytime I offer him cash for anything, he looks at me as if I were from another planet. He doesn’t understand how cash is used. 😂

No quarters at DD's university either, but also not free.  They load money in an app! 

[Arcadia]

7 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

@pehp Laundry at every college we looked at is free. No coin-fed machines. No card swipes. Just regular, commercial size machines.

 

2 hours ago, pehp said:

OH MY WORD!!!! I had no idea.  You mean I can stop setting aside quarters for my son to take to college?! This is excellent--so much easier than coin-operated laundry. 

Not free where my DS19 is at. He has to install an app for the washer and dryer. The advantage of the app is that it tells him when the washer and dryer are done. He rarely runs a load just like when I was in college. His campus is cash free so we got him a secured credit card when he turned 18 to use on campus. We also got him a new cellphone since his cellphone was more than 3 years old and has no more Andriod OS updates

The most important skill for my boys is to learn to advocate for themselves, whether it is health or academic. They learn to advocate for themselves academically while doing dual enrollment classes. They went through the degree audit to get their associate degrees. Health wise, my kid add me as "authorized user" on their healthcare accounts so that I can help them look if they need me to.  Financially, we don't qualify for any aid so the student bills are hyper easy to comprehend.

@pehp I get my quarters from the coin changing machines next to those coin operated rides. If I need more quarters, I could change at the bank.

[ScoutTN]

3 hours ago, pehp said:

OH MY WORD!!!! I had no idea.  You mean I can stop setting aside quarters for my son to take to college?! This is excellent--so much easier than coin-operated laundry. 

Reading down the thread, it seems like some schools require digital payment, so still parents’ money.

We only looked at 6 schools, so I guess not a representative sample, but they all have free laundry. 

[pehp]

On 4/22/2024 at 6:02 PM, 8filltheheart said:

My kids have all been more than prepared academically, even without DE. They have not all been ready to move out and go away to 4 yr college, though. I personally think moving out and going to college away from home is a different set of skills than going to class and earning a degree. Our current college sr was definitely not ready to juggle all the balls 4 yrs ago. She has lived at home and commuted. She has done a huge amt of maturing the past 4 yrs.

But, for our family college is not seen as some sort of rite of passage where they get to go off and learn to become adults by whatever means. College is simply a single option out of many for planning a path to adulthood. But, being able to function independently as an adult is a prerequisite from our perspective for moving into a college campus.

I'd love to know--if you are willing to share--what traits she had that made you decide that living at home and commuting would be a better option for her than on-campus living. I ask because my oldest is, well, my oldest, and I've never done this before.  But I can already see that his 7th grade sister will be 100% ready for on-campus college in all the ways--and it's harder for me to envision this with him, even though he's in 10th grade.He just doesn't seem "there yet," although I also know a massive amount of maturation can happen in boys in the late teens. So I sometimes wonder if he would benefit from living home and commuting.  Having never done this before, I'm trying to figure out a framework for decision-making.  We have one reasonable, small LAC that is commutable for us (about 20 mins) and another small LAC that is maybe not a great social fit that is 45 minutes away (commutable but not ideal), but the university that I think would ultimately be a WAY better fit for my son's interests, personality, and goals is 2 hours away....not commutable. So I'm chewing on all this a lot. 

[chiguirre]

I think the most important thing to develop is self confidence and the flexibility to figure it out for themselves or call for help (either from you or others). I've fielded phone calls on everything from cleaning a toilet because there's an inspection in 15 minutes to which investment fund to select for her Thrift Savings Plan. Eventually they acquire all the necessary adulting skills and you find yourself just being a sounding board for troubles with coworkers or significant others. But there will be some rough patches along the way when you can't really help, they have to do it for themselves.

The hardest call for me was the first night dd spent on her ship on a teeny island in the Pacific. Newbs live on board at first and they're by themselves because most people have a barracks room or off base housing. There's nothing you can do to make it better for your kid.  They're thrown into the deep end where they're the only new person in an established group and don't know anyone. At dd's duty station, it's even worse because your vehicle is still in transit so you're stuck trying to bum rides off of these strangers you work with to do essential tasks. If you're lucky an older sailor will help you out (this is usually the case), but it's terrifying until you find your groove and your group. Mom and Dad can't help you, you have to find your own way. It's terrifying as a parent. OTOH, it's very gratifying when they do manage to find their way and figure it all out on their own. It's even better when they step up and help out a newbie.

After all that, the college application process and studying was easy peasy. I had to help dd out looking up information on the internet because her ship was in drydock and the barge they stayed on didn't have wifi. Dd did the application by herself. I proofread her essay and that was it. I hear about her classes sometimes, but I haven't had to help with anything. She registers herself, pays the very discounted military rate tuition and takes the classes. She's all grown up.

Edited April 25 by chiguirre

[KeriJ]

On 4/24/2024 at 8:06 PM, ScoutTN said:

Reading down the thread, it seems like some schools require digital payment, so still parents’ money.

We only looked at 6 schools, so I guess not a representative sample, but they all have free laundry. 

Dd has digital payment, but it's not our money...it's hers. 

[idnib]

On 4/23/2024 at 2:04 PM, Malam said:

Did taking college classes after graduating affect his ability to apply as a freshman?

They did not because they were few enough credits for the colleges he was applying to. His duel enrollment physics class lead to an invite to a more in-depth, faster-paced physics class , but that was the only impact, aside from whatever the admissions committee thought about it.

[8filltheheart]

On 4/25/2024 at 12:48 PM, pehp said:

I'd love to know--if you are willing to share--what traits she had that made you decide that living at home and commuting would be a better option for her than on-campus living. I ask because my oldest is, well, my oldest, and I've never done this before.  But I can already see that his 7th grade sister will be 100% ready for on-campus college in all the ways--and it's harder for me to envision this with him, even though he's in 10th grade.He just doesn't seem "there yet," although I also know a massive amount of maturation can happen in boys in the late teens. So I sometimes wonder if he would benefit from living home and commuting.  Having never done this before, I'm trying to figure out a framework for decision-making.  We have one reasonable, small LAC that is commutable for us (about 20 mins) and another small LAC that is maybe not a great social fit that is 45 minutes away (commutable but not ideal), but the university that I think would ultimately be a WAY better fit for my son's interests, personality, and goals is 2 hours away....not commutable. So I'm chewing on all this a lot. 

She was incredibly introverted, shy, awkward, plus suffered from severe anxiety.  Add lack of ability to juggle multiple tasks simultaneously....it was very obvious that she was not ready.  She knew she wasn't ready.  Living at home and commuting allowed her to thrive and grow at her rate.  She is graduating on Monday and will be attending grad school next yr with a great research position.  

[Corraleno]

On 4/20/2024 at 5:43 AM, pehp said:

For those of you who have launched a child into college, what skills or experiences have you found are most helpful in making that a smooth transition?

I think that having some experience navigating college course management software is really useful. I had hoped that DS would get that from his ASU Online courses, but those courses were all very well organized, using the exact same format, with a very straightforward syllabus that was strictly followed, all lectures in the same place, assignments and quizzes clearly labeled in the correct tabs and all due at exactly the same day/time each week, etc. That was very similar to how his Lukeion courses were set up, and I think he assumed that's how college classes in general were set up.

He was more than prepared academically for college classes, but he was really thrown for a loop freshman year when he was thrown in the deep end having to do everything online, from managing every aspect of his student account, from financial aid, course planning and registration, degree audit, dorm & meal plans, etc., through the university website, to navigating a course management program (Canvas) which every instructor used in a totally idiosyncratic (and often really unintuitive) way. For example, the Syllabus folder was often empty, and in one class the syllabus would be in the Modules folder, and in two other classes it would be buried in the Files folder along with dozens of other files with cryptic labels that gave no hint what they were; in a couple of cases the instructor just emailed the syllabus to students and never uploaded it to Canvas at all. And since syllabi were often reused from year to year, they would often only include labels like Week 1, Week 2, etc., with no actual due dates.

Sometimes assignments would be in the Assignments folder, but more often they'd be in Modules or Files or not listed anywhere at all except in the syllabus that was buried in some weird folder. All assignments for some classes would appear in the Canvas calendar, but some classes didn't have any assignments show up, and other classes would have some show up and some not show up, seemingly at random, so you couldn't rely on the Canvas calendar to see what was due when. And most of those intro classes had so. many. freaking. assignments. it was ridiculous — he was often dealing with 15-20 separate assignments that needed to be turned in each week, all with different deadlines, and even within classes sometimes the due dates/times would change from week to week, so the quiz that was due by midnight Sunday one week might be due by 11 PM Saturday the next week.  

So if it's possible for your DS to take several DE classes at the local LAC, where he can learn how to navigate Canvas (or Blackboard, or whatever they use) in a real world setting, one or two courses at a time instead of being thrown into the deep end figuring it out while juggling a full load and living away from home for the first time, I think that can really ease the transition. And I second what Lewelma said about providing your kid with support if they need it, especially during the first year, because it's a LOT to figure out all at once. And despite what many people say, it's not always easy to find the kind of help you need, especially at a big university.

 

Edited Wednesday at 10:16 PM by Corraleno

[pehp]

On 5/1/2024 at 6:12 PM, Corraleno said:

I think that having some experience navigating college course management software is really useful. I had hoped that DS would get that from his ASU Online courses, but those courses were all very well organized, using the exact same format, with a very straightforward syllabus that was strictly followed, all lectures in the same place, assignments and quizzes clearly labeled in the correct tabs and all due at exactly the same day/time each week, etc. That was very similar to how his Lukeion courses were set up, and I think he assumed that's how college classes in general were set up.

He was more than prepared academically for college classes, but he was really thrown for a loop freshman year when he was thrown in the deep end having to do everything online, from managing every aspect of his student account, from financial aid, course planning and registration, degree audit, dorm & meal plans, etc., through the university website, to navigating a course management program (Canvas) which every instructor used in a totally idiosyncratic (and often really unintuitive) way. For example, the Syllabus folder was often empty, and in one class the syllabus would be in the Modules folder, and in two other classes it would be buried in the Files folder along with dozens of other files with cryptic labels that gave no hint what they were; in a couple of cases the instructor just emailed the syllabus to students and never uploaded it to Canvas at all. And since syllabi were often reused from year to year, they would often only include labels like Week 1, Week 2, etc., with no actual due dates.

Sometimes assignments would be in the Assignments folder, but more often they'd be in Modules or Files or not listed anywhere at all except in the syllabus that was buried in some weird folder. All assignments for some classes would appear in the Canvas calendar, but some classes didn't have any assignments show up, and other classes would have some show up and some not show up, seemingly at random, so you couldn't rely on the Canvas calendar to see what was due when. And most of those intro classes had so. many. freaking. assignments. it was ridiculous — he was often dealing with 15-20 separate assignments that needed to be turned in each week, all with different deadlines, and even within classes sometimes the due dates/times would change from week to week, so the quiz that was due by midnight Sunday one week might be due by 11 PM Saturday the next week.  

So if it's possible for your DS to take several DE classes at the local LAC, where he can learn how to navigate Canvas (or Blackboard, or whatever they use) in a real world setting, one or two courses at a time instead of being thrown into the deep end figuring it out while juggling a full load and living away from home for the first time, I think that can really ease the transition. And I second what Lewelma said about providing your kid with support if they need it, especially during the first year, because it's a LOT to figure out all at once. And despite what many people say, it's not always easy to find the kind of help you need, especially at a big university.

 

That's a nightmare!  It would drive me crazy to have so many changes, and I think that's got to be even harder to navigate for students with issues with executive functioning.  My son uses Canvas now in his online school, and MOST teachers and organized and do a great job, but we've got one wild card.  My son rolls with it pretty well, but it makes me bananas. You're right: that's a lot to process and support when you're also getting used to college life....!!

[Arcadia]

@pehp my DS19 did not want to stay in dorms as a 17yr 9month old. He was not emotionally ready for it. So when he could not get into the commuter state university, he happily stayed at the community college he dual enrollment in. My DS18 flat out decided he would stay in community college and transfer so he skipped the freshman application process. DS19 is now completing his junior year at a state university where he has to stay in dorms but transfer dorms are mainly single bedrooms so he has a bedroom to himself. DS18 will be transferring to a state university this fall. 
 

As for the current student protests at several campuses, we had experienced the BLM protests where employers tell employees to stay home because they won’t be able to go home otherwise. There is also heightened security at my husband’s workplace area just in case the current protests turn violent.  So my kids are well aware protests can take a violent turn very fast with instigators. 

[ScoutTN]

Found my Dd’s car registration smooshed among some other random papers as we moved her stuff out of the dorm yesterday.

Oops, parent fail! Yes, kid, your registration and proof of insurance needs to be in your car in case you are in an accident or get stopped for speeding. 
 

Gaps, always gaps…

Edited 4 hours ago by ScoutTN

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, ScoutTN said:

your registration and proof of insurance needs to be in your car in case you are going n an accident or get stopped for speeding.

I think only proof of insurance. We have the stickers for car registration but the police can just do a scan of license plates anyway. 

[ScoutTN]

5 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I think only proof of insurance. We have the stickers for car registration but the police can just do a scan of license plates anyway. 

The police always ask for both here, though we do have stickers on our tags.