A wedding question

[Indigo Blue]

I guess by now y’all can tell that I haven’t been to many fancy weddings and may even live under a rock, but is it poor etiquette for someone, for example, the grandfather of the bride, who is not in the wedding party, to just decide on his own to wear a tuxedo to the wedding?

Two others are planning to attend only the reception without any rsvp. 
 

I’m sorry….I will probably be dumping wedding stuff here between now and then. I just hope the bride’s day is happy and not full of family weirdness. 
 

But I honestly don’t know if the tux thing  is bad manners. 
 

Is it best for me to not try to straighten any of this out and only be concerned for myself? Let others do what they want, wear what they want, say what they want?

I feel like just not trying to explain that, yes, you need to rsvp, etc. Is it okay to just turn a blind eye to it all?

[JustEm]

I think the only time I'd bring up an clothing issue is if I knew someone was going to attend in a white gown. And in terms of a reception, if I knew someone was planning on attending without an invite.

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I think the only time I'd bring up a clothing issue is if I knew someone was going to attend in a white gown. And in terms of a reception, if I knew someone was planning on attending without an invite.

Good. That’s what I will do. 

[marbel]

Tux or not would depend on the dress code. If the is wedding formal/black tie then sure. If not, maybe the person will stand out oddly but he may not care. If it's someone's grandpa, probably no one will care anyway. But, if you are not in charge of the person, then I wouldn't concern myself with it.

People are attending without being invited, or without responding that they will be there? Either way, it's rude. If someone told me they were going to to that, I'd let them know they are being rude, and then I'd not concern myself further (assuming they are adults and you are not in charge of them). 

 

Edited February 11 by marbel

[Katy]

If this is the black tie optional one, a tux is fine. 

If there is a dinner, they really need to RSVP or the caterer might fine the bride & groom. Depending on the contract. Other black tie weddings sometimes have security to prevent wedding crashers. 

[Indigo Blue]

This wedding is cocktail attire. So, no black tie. But this person would be showing up in a tux to draw attention to himself. He doesn’t have any relationship at all with his granddaughter. 
 

But I won’t worry with any of it further,  except to come here privately and vent and post about things if I need to. 

[Carol in Cal.]

The tux is no problem IMO.

If someone is crashing though uninvited, those in charge should be warned so they can decide whether to kick them out of the reception or not.  If the wedding itself is a church wedding, it is a public event, and anyone can come, but the reception is by invitation only.  If it’s not a church wedding,  the same rule would apply to the ceremony itself.

If someone is planning to attend without RSVPing, they should be encouraged to RSVP, and also it would be a kindness to let the inviter know of their plans yourself.

[MercyA]

People can be so weird. When I got married, DH and I decided not to have any small children in the wedding party (no flower girl or ring bearer). One of his siblings brought their little girl, our niece, to our wedding dressed in a formal flower girl dress in the same color I chose for my attendants. You just have to laugh.

Edited February 11 by MercyA

[footballmom]

I wouldn’t think twice about the tux.

When we got married, we reached out to those who didn’t RSVP back either way to confirm they received their invite and get a firm headcount. The responsibility is on the person who received the invite to let the couple know if they are attending or not. Depending on the set up for the reception - seated dinner with place cards or buffet type style - the impact of them not RSVP’ing will be very obvious to the people that didn’t RSVP bc there will be no spot for them. If they told me directly they planned on attending without RSVP’ing, I would encourage them to reconsider that decision and then let it go. 

[Kassia]

@MercyA that is bizarre! 

[Indigo Blue]

47 minutes ago, Kassia said:

@MercyA that is bizarre! 

I agree. 

[QueenCat]

I'm not sure I understand.  Are people planning to come to the reception that weren't invited?  And if so, how did they know when and where? 

[Rosie_0801]

I would think it normal for anyone to show up to a wedding in their best clothes.

[Ellie]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I guess by now y’all can tell that I haven’t been to many fancy weddings and may even live under a rock, but is it poor etiquette for someone, for example, the grandfather of the bride, who is not in the wedding party, to just decide on his own to wear a tuxedo to the wedding?

Two others are planning to attend only the reception without any rsvp.

I’m sorry….I will probably be dumping wedding stuff here between now and then. I just hope the bride’s day is happy and not full of family weirdness.

But I honestly don’t know if the tux thing  is bad manners.

Is it best for me to not try to straighten any of this out and only be concerned for myself? Let others do what they want, wear what they want, say what they want?

I feel like just not trying to explain that, yes, you need to rsvp, etc. Is it okay to just turn a blind eye to it all?

MIss Manners would tell you that it's not your job/the bride's job/the groom's job/anyone's job to tell people what to wear to a wedding. There shouldn't even be a line item that says "dress code" on the invitation or anywhere else. People should decide what to wear based on when and where the wedding is. If they don't know, they can ask MIss Manners. I fail to understand why people get bent out of shape because guests, who are not in any of the official, formal photographs, were not taught proper etiquette and accidentally wear the "wrong thing" The happy couple should be glad that people took the time to show up.

Unless it's a night-time wedding in a church, and the wearer is in the wedding party, a tuxedo is way over-dressed. But again, not your job. Let it go.

Also, it is terribly rude to attend an event without an RSVP. I don't know how you could address that. It's tacky to the extreme. I would not allow them anything: no place settings (if that's going to happen), not part of the oounct for food, if it's a plated dinner, they have to wait at the door until everyone who RSVPd is fed, and they get any left-overs. That's just a fact; why should people who did what they were supposed to do suffer in any way because of people who didn't bother?

[Indigo Blue]

38 minutes ago, Ellie said:

MIss Manners would tell you that it's not your job/the bride's job/the groom's job/anyone's job to tell people what to wear to a wedding. There shouldn't even be a line item that says "dress code" on the invitation or anywhere else. People should decide what to wear based on when and where the wedding is. If they don't know, they can ask MIss Manners. I fail to understand why people get bent out of shape because guests, who are not in any of the official, formal photographs, were not taught proper etiquette and accidentally wear the "wrong thing" The happy couple should be glad that people took the time to show up.

Unless it's a night-time wedding in a church, and the wearer is in the wedding party, a tuxedo is way over-dressed. But again, not your job. Let it go.

Also, it is terribly rude to attend an event without an RSVP. I don't know how you could address that. It's tacky to the extreme. I would not allow them anything: no place settings (if that's going to happen), not part of the oounct for food, if it's a plated dinner, they have to wait at the door until everyone who RSVPd is fed, and they get any left-overs. That's just a fact; why should people who did what they were supposed to do suffer in any way because of people who didn't bother?

To be clear, I am not bent out of shape. I did not know if this person was being truly out of line for wearing a tux. I asked because I wanted to know. I have no plans to police anyone. I also wanted to make sure that that was the best thing to do….to not police people. 
 

I have lots of apprehension about going to this reception, for good reason. So I’m just trying to get a grasp on some things and will probably be here asking more dumb questions. 

Edited February 11 by Indigo Blue
Clarity

[Indigo Blue]

42 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I'm not sure I understand.  Are people planning to come to the reception that weren't invited?  And if so, how did they know when and where? 

Two close relatives, who were invited to the wedding, are giving me the impression that they won’t be giving a rsvp. I suggested that they do, but this person, who is argumentative and stubborn, doesn’t think it will matter. So  I’m following the advice given here and I’m just going to mind my own business. If I got them to rsvp, there’d be another issue right behind that one. I just can’t keep up and it’s too stressful. But I felt I was being mean, so I asked here. 
 

Most likely the bride will know that she hasn’t received these rsvps, and may follow up verbally. 

[Kassia]

35 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

So I’m just trying to get a grasp on some things and will probably be here asking more dumb questions. 

That's one of the things I love about this forum! 

I'm always surprised at how many people don't RSVP.  It causes so much additional work/stress for the host.  

[marbel]

59 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I have lots of apprehension about going to this reception, for good reason. So I’m just trying to get a grasp on some things and will probably be here asking more dumb questions. 

It's always great to ask questions and this is for sure a good place for answers or at least opinions. 

I wonder though... if you might feel less apprehensive about the wedding if you weren't thinking about someone's potential attire faux pas, or who is or is not responding correctly to the invitation. Assuming, again, that you are not in charge of those people. Just thinking about my own anxiety and apprehension; when I start feeling that way about something, I try to take the attitude that if I have no control over whatever is bothering me, I'm not going to give it space in my brain. Of course you may be wired differently so feel free to ignore me. 💗

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

It's always great to ask questions and this is for sure a good place for answers or at least opinions. 

I wonder though... if you might feel less apprehensive about the wedding if you weren't thinking about someone's potential attire faux pas, or who is or is not responding correctly to the invitation. Assuming, again, that you are not in charge of those people. Just thinking about my own anxiety and apprehension; when I start feeling that way about something, I try to take the attitude that if I have no control over whatever is bothering me, I'm not going to give it space in my brain. Of course you may be wired differently so feel free to ignore me. 💗

Thanks. It’s just like this: Someone told me he was going to be wearing a tux. I know he isn’t in the wedding party. I thought….that doesn’t sound right to me. Just to myself. I thought, well, he just wants to draw attention to himself (he does). I wondered if I was right about the tux, though, so I asked here. Just to see if I was right. I just wondered if that  was proper….or not.  I honestly didn’t know. 
 

I’m anxious about the reception, but I want to go. I’ll live through it, though. It’s fine. 
 

But you’re right about not giving any of it further thought. 
 

 

[matrips]

I’d leave it be. Maybe the grandfather just comes from a generation where you do a tux for a super special occasion and it’s an honor in his mind. I couldn’t care less what any of my guests wore. And would have not taken anything negatively. 

[pinball]

2 hours ago, Ellie said:

Also, it is terribly rude to attend an event without an RSVP. I don't know how you could address that. It's tacky to the extreme. I would not allow them anything: no place settings (if that's going to happen), not part of the oounct for food, if it's a plated dinner, they have to wait at the door until everyone who RSVPd is fed, and they get any left-overs. That's just a fact; why should people who did what they were supposed to do suffer in any way because of people who didn't bother?

Bc it would potentially cause a scene

it would make the B&G look petty

it would take the B&G away from the celebration 

And it’s probably unnecessary bc most places factor in extra/overages just for these scenarios

[Melissa in Australia]

5 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I would think it normal for anyone to show up to a wedding in their best clothes.

This

 

Unless you are my eccentric uncle. My sister had a wedding with a "mediaeval costume theme" He turned up in a loincloth and had even rolled around in his garden first to get the poor peasant look.   

[Melissa in Australia]

😁

Edited February 12 by Melissa in Australia

[QueenCat]

I don't think I've ever seen someone wear a tux as a guest when it wasn't a black tie affair. But since it isn't an immediate family member,

like my dh or son, I wouldn't say a word.

[Irish]

For both of my kids' weddings, the grandfathers did wear tuxes. As did the groomsmen and fathers, so the grandfathers did not look out of place. 

[Carol in Cal.]

FWIW, I asked my grandfather to wear his tux to my wedding.  He thought that that was improper, because it was at 11AM, but he did it anyway, for me.  He looked very distinguished.  Although he was not in the wedding party I asked him to say grace before our meal.  It is  a very nice memory.

[El...]

I'd find it cute, myself, but when I go to a wedding I'm generally in a state if mind that finds everything about it adorable. I dress myself and mine as appropriately as I can and then dismiss any urge to police other people's clothes. Really, who cares? They're there, people are getting married, it's all good. 

[Faith-manor]

14 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

This

 

Unless you are my eccentric uncle. My sister had a wedding with a "mediaeval costume theme" He turned up in a loincloth and had even rolled around in his garden first to get the poor peasant look.   

😂😂😂😂😂😂 That would be one EPIC memory!

[BakersDozen]

On 2/11/2024 at 12:20 PM, hjffkj said:

I think the only time I'd bring up an clothing issue is if I knew someone was going to attend in a white gown. And in terms of a reception, if I knew someone was planning on attending without an invite.

Guess what my mom wore to my wedding? My dress was ivory lace, mid-length skirt. So was hers. I found out when she walked into the church. She was with me when I chose my dress so she knew what she was doing. Oy.

I'd definitely say something about attending the reception w/o an RSVP.

[JustEm]

38 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Guess what my mom wore to my wedding? My dress was ivory lace, mid-length skirt. So was hers. I found out when she walked into the church. She was with me when I chose my dress so she knew what she was doing. Oy.

I'd definitely say something about attending the reception w/o an RSVP.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I eloped, so I'm not sure how I would have handled that if it happened to me. I'd like to think I would have kicked her out until she came back in anything else. But maybe not. I didn't even wear white though

[El...]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

Guess what my mom wore to my wedding? My dress was ivory lace, mid-length skirt. So was hers. I found out when she walked into the church. She was with me when I chose my dress so she knew what she was doing. Oy.

I'd definitely say something about attending the reception w/o an RSVP.

Ok, yeah, that's obnoxious. I'm so sorry. 

[Carol in Cal.]

16 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Guess what my mom wore to my wedding? My dress was ivory lace, mid-length skirt. So was hers. I found out when she walked into the church. She was with me when I chose my dress so she knew what she was doing. Oy.

I'd definitely say something about attending the reception w/o an RSVP.

That is really awful!

[bolt.]

There's something about having a successful event that kind of involves the flexibility of allowing some people to be eccentric or buttheaded in their own ways -- without it phasing anyone.

I think the desire to have everything perfectly handled so that an event can be successful is a false path. It turns every perfectly normal human variation or snafu into a 'thing of importance' on which the success of the event can turn.

Instead, an attitude that, "Some people are doofuses, and there are a few of them in my family, but we can just let them do whatever, and have a nice time anyways." -- that's the perspective that underlies an event that actually feels great to everyone. If 'nobody cares' then nobody can ruin anything.

[Indigo Blue]

19 minutes ago, bolt. said:

There's something about having a successful event that kind of involves the flexibility of allowing some people to be eccentric or buttheaded in their own ways -- without it phasing anyone.

I think the desire to have everything perfectly handled so that an event can be successful is a false path. It turns every perfectly normal human variation or snafu into a 'thing of importance' on which the success of the event can turn.

Instead, an attitude that, "Some people are doofuses, and there are a few of them in my family, but we can just let them do whatever, and have a nice time anyways." -- that's the perspective that underlies an event that actually feels great to everyone. If 'nobody cares' then nobody can ruin anything.

Thanks, Bolt. I quite agree, and I have no problem doing that. I think the thing making me a bit apprehensive is my mom. She found a reason to be slighted when my first son was born and pitched a tantrum. It was between her and Dh. She found a way to be slighted when she came to an event when ds was 17 to hear him perform. My sons were both caught up in that wrath and were hurt. And so on……This is why I would just prefer to not go. I will go, though, and I will just plan to keep my distance when possible. If my mom finds a way to be slighted or gets angry at anyone, I just plan to grey rock through it or tell her she needs to go talk to THAT person. Both parents will be wearing their chameleon personalities, and it’s tiring to watch. I’ll just find someone else to talk to and maybe have a glass of wine, which I don’t normally do, if needed. 
 

ETA: Dh and I could also slip out early, so I have plans in place……🙂

Edited February 13 by Indigo Blue

[bolt.]

Would it help if you managed to tell *yourself* (not just your mom or other folks) that if "Person A's" mother pitches a fit at another family member, for any cause, or for no cause, it really has nothing to do with "Person A"?

Like, at most, you would be a bystander that is mildly embarrassed that someone is making a public fool out of themself -- but it's not your fault that whoever is getting married happens to have a tantrum-prone old lady on their guest list. That happens to lots of people! It's up to them to have a plan for that, a plan to ignore that, or to cope with whatever fallout comes their way because they chose to extend the invitations that they chose to extend.

The relationship between the marrying couple and your mom just doesn't actually involve you.

Lots of people have chameleon personalities. It doesn't have to be painful to know that about someone, or to watch it happening. Nobody cares. Everybody either notices, and therefore knows who the family doofuses are, or doesn't notice.

It might be a good idea for you to make a pro-con list about the reasons you don't want to go to this thing... and the actual reasons you do want to go. Because you keep saying that you 'don't want to' but 'will go'. What are the factors on the 'will go' side of that equation? Why is it coming out in favour of that option? -- Then when you are preparing to go, you can read over all the reasons why yes, you actually do want to go, and you do want to be there... and it will help you focus on accomplishing those things. (And help you remember that once you have accomplished those things, bowing out early is a realistic option.)

(If the woman is going to vent herself at minors, who are members of your immediate family (ie your 17yo) that involves you. Other than that, it's not your job to protect everyone from the fact that your mother exists.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

Would it help if you managed to tell *yourself* (not just your mom or other folks) that if "Person A's" mother pitches a fit at another family member, for any cause, or for no cause, it really has nothing to do with "Person A"?

Like, at most, you would be a bystander that is mildly embarrassed that someone is making a public fool out of themself -- but it's not your fault that whoever is getting married happens to have a tantrum-prone old lady on their guest list. That happens to lots of people! It's up to them to have a plan for that, a plan to ignore that, or to cope with whatever fallout comes their way because they chose to extend the invitations that they chose to extend.

The relationship between the marrying couple and your mom just doesn't actually involve you.

Lots of people have chameleon personalities. It doesn't have to be painful to know that about someone, or to watch it happening. Nobody cares. Everybody either notices, and therefore knows who the family doofuses are, or doesn't notice.

It might be a good idea for you to make a pro-con list about the reasons you don't want to go to this thing... and the actual reasons you do want to go. Because you keep saying that you 'don't want to' but 'will go'. What are the factors on the 'will go' side of that equation? Why is it coming out in favour of that option? -- Then when you are preparing to go, you can read over all the reasons why yes, you actually do want to go, and you do want to be there... and it will help you focus on accomplishing those things. (And help you remember that once you have accomplished those things, bowing out early is a realistic option.)

(If the woman is going to vent herself at minors, who are members of your immediate family (ie your 17yo) that involves you. Other than that, it's not your job to protect everyone from the fact that your mother exists.

Yes, you’re right. The way that it involves me is that I’m her go to person for unloading how she feels about things. Well, me, and, now, a cousin, (mostly by text). It’s a text unloading, lol. I’ve seen the long strings of text that she quickly whisks away so I can’t see the screen. Then she deletes them later. And possibly everything will be fine, and I’m just apprehensive because of past experiences. At best, she will take small digs. At worst, she will become totally dysregulated…..in venting to me.  I’m concerned for me, mostly, not other people. She will hide all the negative stuff and unload on me then or later. It would have to be really bad for her to let other people see that side of her. But she did do that once at work. Full out tantrum in front of a group of coworkers. 
 

It will be fine. I have plans in place. I’m in a different place now emotionally than before. I’m “onto her” now more than ever before. I know this in my head, but my emotions still go through the motions because of all the history. I just have to let that happen and ride through them. 
 

I will keep in mind about not stepping in unless a close minor is involved, but this is not likely. 
 

Everything will probably be fine. I’m just dealing with my own (understandable) emotions and being my own worst enemy right now. 

[bolt.]

That makes perfect sense. In DBT, that skill is called "coping ahead" -- and it is highly recommended.

[GoVanGogh]

On 2/11/2024 at 2:37 PM, MercyA said:

People can be so weird. When I got married, DH and I decided not to have any small children in the wedding party (no flower girl or ring bearer). One of his siblings brought their little girl, our niece, to our wedding dressed in a formal flower girl dress in the same color I chose for my attendants. You just have to laugh.

My stepmother showed up at my wedding wearing her wedding dress. Yes, the very one - white - that she wore to marry my dad the previous year. I can look back on it and laugh now and - honestly - that wasn’t the weirdest thing to happen at my wedding. My mother had disowned me several years prior, when I was 15, because I refused to take sides in my parents’ divorce. (Judge granted my permission to live with extended family because my parents were so embattled in their divorce.) Anyhow. My mother showed up at the wedding. And acted all mother of the bride. Fast forward a few decades. She disowned my sibling on their wedding day. She loves to make a grand spectacle of herself. 

[Ellie]

On 2/11/2024 at 7:11 PM, pinball said:

Bc it would potentially cause a scene

it would make the B&G look petty

it would take the B&G away from the celebration 

And it’s probably unnecessary bc most places factor in extra/overages just for these scenarios

My question is still the same, though.   I know the last thing to be true, which does not excuse people who purposely refuse to RSVP.

[Ellie]

6 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Thanks, Bolt. I quite agree, and I have no problem doing that. I think the thing making me a bit apprehensive is my mom. She found a reason to be slighted when my first son was born and pitched a tantrum. It was between her and Dh. She found a way to be slighted when she came to an event when ds was 17 to hear him perform. My sons were both caught up in that wrath and were hurt. And so on……This is why I would just prefer to not go. I will go, though, and I will just plan to keep my distance when possible. If my mom finds a way to be slighted or gets angry at anyone, I just plan to grey rock through it or tell her she needs to go talk to THAT person. Both parents will be wearing their chameleon personalities, and it’s tiring to watch. I’ll just find someone else to talk to and maybe have a glass of wine, which I don’t normally do, if needed. 

ETA: Dh and I could also slip out early, so I have plans in place……🙂

Planning ahead, mentally, often does help when The Event actually happens.

So sorry that your mother is such a pill. 😞

[KatieJ]

On 2/11/2024 at 7:11 PM, pinball said:

 

And it’s probably unnecessary bc most places factor in extra/overages just for these scenarios

Yes, that’s true, caterers factor in extra for unexpected guests. There typically then wouldn’t be a problem if it is a buffet and guests choose their own table.
 The problem arises when there are seating charts and your  name is not listed. Whoever is in charge at that point, (host and hostess) have to scramble to find a spot for you.

[gardenmom5]

On 2/11/2024 at 11:09 AM, Indigo Blue said:

I guess by now y’all can tell that I haven’t been to many fancy weddings and may even live under a rock, but is it poor etiquette for someone, for example, the grandfather of the bride, who is not in the wedding party, to just decide on his own to wear a tuxedo to the wedding?

Two others are planning to attend only the reception without any rsvp. 
 

I’m sorry….I will probably be dumping wedding stuff here between now and then. I just hope the bride’s day is happy and not full of family weirdness. 
 

But I honestly don’t know if the tux thing  is bad manners. 
 

Is it best for me to not try to straighten any of this out and only be concerned for myself? Let others do what they want, wear what they want, say what they want?

I feel like just not trying to explain that, yes, you need to rsvp, etc. Is it okay to just turn a blind eye to it all?

What time of day is the wedding?  generally, tux's are for evening only. (please tell me it's a generic black tux.. . I remember the 70s when tuxes came in all colors . . )  for the grandfather (does he have a good relationship with his grandchild?), I'd probably let it slide.

how do you fit into this?

For those two planning on attending the reception without an rsvp, were they invited but didn't rsvp? has the date to rsvp passed? - is there a sit down dinner?  They need to let them know they're coming.  It would be really rude to show up for a sit down dinner if the wedding hosts and *caterers* don't know they're coming and are forced to find somewhere to put them at the last minute.

[gardenmom5]

On 2/11/2024 at 12:18 PM, Indigo Blue said:

This wedding is cocktail attire. So, no black tie. But this person would be showing up in a tux to draw attention to himself. He doesn’t have any relationship at all with his granddaughter. 
 

But I won’t worry with any of it further,  except to come here privately and vent and post about things if I need to. 

was he actually invited?   if he was - just let it slide.  If he wasn't, i'd let the bride know he was planning on coming so she can decide how to handle it.

 my niece was married last spring, and my brother was NOT invited for a reason . . .   I don't know if he knew where it was or not, so far as I know, no one told him when or where.  

 

On 2/11/2024 at 4:15 PM, marbel said:

It's always great to ask questions and this is for sure a good place for answers or at least opinions. 

I wonder though... if you might feel less apprehensive about the wedding if you weren't thinking about someone's potential attire faux pas, or who is or is not responding correctly to the invitation. Assuming, again, that you are not in charge of those people. Just thinking about my own anxiety and apprehension; when I start feeling that way about something, I try to take the attitude that if I have no control over whatever is bothering me, I'm not going to give it space in my brain. Of course you may be wired differently so feel free to ignore me. 💗

the potential scene of someone not invited showing up - can be anxiety producing.   someone showing up to a seated dinner when there is no place for them, can also cause a scene. (not to mention upsetting for a bride and those trying to make sure everything is under control.)
Buffets have more flexibility.

On 2/11/2024 at 5:11 PM, pinball said:

Bc it would potentially cause a scene

it would make the B&G look petty

it would take the B&G away from the celebration 

And it’s probably unnecessary bc most places factor in extra/overages just for these scenarios

overages work for buffets - they do not work for seated dinners.

On 2/12/2024 at 3:12 PM, BakersDozen said:

Guess what my mom wore to my wedding? My dress was ivory lace, mid-length skirt. So was hers. I found out when she walked into the church. She was with me when I chose my dress so she knew what she was doing. Oy.

I'd definitely say something about attending the reception w/o an RSVP.

pretty desperate of her.

don't remember where I read it, (might have been Miss Manners), the step mother purchased the exact same dress as the mother.  She refused to take it back and get something else, and it caused a lot of headaches beforehand.  Finally, the mother said that was fine, she'd get a different dress for the wedding.   She wore the first dress to the rehearsal (with the wedding party and much of the family) the night before the wedding.

well played.  very well played.