Getting married and Moving Overseas

[Tree Frog]

My oldest dd is getting married the beginning of April. She is in the Navy and will likely be moving overseas within a week of her wedding. Before she moved to her current training location, she and her fiancé sorted all their items into long term storage, short term storage to take overseas with them, and items they need at their current training location. 

She is wondering how to handle their gift registry. Because they combined their households, they don't need many items. In addition, because they're hoping to move OCONUS, they would not be able to use or easily store items they are given. I suggested waiting until later this month when they should know where they'll be moving so she knows what they may need to store, but she's concerned about sending out invitations prior to having the registry figured out. (They're planning to send the invitations out the end of this month.) I also suggested asking for donations towards their honeymoon or towards purchasing items overseas once they arrive. The registry will allow guests to gift money towards a specific gift, so they could choose which items they would like to gift towards. She was concerned that some people would prefer to give them gifts that mean something personally to them, which is how she likes to give gifts.

If the items can't be stored while they're overseas, they'll likely come home with us to store. However, we won't have a lot of extra space to take things home with us. We live 13 hours away from where the wedding will be and have a small SUV we'll be driving with 4 adults, one of whom we'll be picking up en route from an international airport, so he may have more than normal luggage with him. There's also a small chance her 70 lb GSD will return with us until he's out of quarantine and can be shipped to them.

She is using a registry site, but we aren't sure how to word the registry so it doesn't sound like a money grab.

Any suggestions or thoughts?

 

[Lecka]

How much leave will they be allowed to take at the end of training?  Would they want to request leave, and then be able to pack their items with their household goods?

Are their orders to this new location going to come to them as two singles?  How do they know they are going to be assigned to the same location?  
 

I think she should really ask at her training location.  How long is it going to take to process the paperwork for them to be married.  Are they just going to show up at the new duty station with a marriage certificate?  
 

I think she will find out if she asks and people will be able to tell her.  
 

My first choice would be for her to have her wedding items before she moves and get stuff into stuff she’s shipping or stuff she’s storing.  It will make it easier when she finishes the overseas tour I think — I’m not sure, but I would think so.  
 

If they are keeping private (?) long-term storage during the overseas tour, maybe they can add some items to that storage before they leave.  
 

It might not be very expensive to just mail some boxes to an OCONUS address.  It’s not expensive like it would normally be to ship overseas.  That might work for a lot of smaller items.  I think flat-rate USPS shipping boxes can be shipped OCONUS at the same rate as if within the US.  I’m not sure but I think so.  
 

People at her current location might be able to tell her how long that would be likely to take, too, if anyone has been stationed there before.  

[bolt.]

Honestly, I love it when a couple who doesn't need gifts just says so, and doesn't offer to accept money as a substitute.

I think they should simply explain the situation and say something like, "As highly mobile members of the Navy, we have no need of any more belongings or household goods! Highly sentimental folks are welcome to send small objects of deep personal meaning directly to (DD's name)'s parent's address where they can be kept safe for us until we are in the United States again. But, really, everyone should simply come and enjoy the celebration. If you feel the need to honour the occasion with money, please select a charity to receive your generosity on our behalf."

[scholastica]

Often, the registry will allow gifts to be shipped directly somewhere. If they know for sure which items they can’t take, they can have them shipped to your address and you won’t have to drive them home from the wedding. 

[BusyMom5]

I have had family overseas and I would give the couple money to purchase household items in the country they land in.  I think it's perfectly fine to say that's what is needed most- money towards household appliances they can use wherever they end up.  They may even need kitchen cabinets- those are not standard everywhere;)  

I'd items are purchased that can't be used, and include a gift receipt, return them.  Don't feel guilty!  I would not be storing stuff like that for years.  

[KungFuPanda]

A lot of people don’t include registry information in mailed, paper invitations anyway. If they’re using a website, I’d find one that allows them to have a “coming soon” page or allows them to post that they don’t have and address for shipping NOW but will update in the future when they do. That way they can be set up for cash gifts right away and let people know they’ll update for physical gifts in the future if that’s a gifting preference. 

[footballmom]

I guess my answer to how to best communicate their situation and registry request / guidance would depend on how big the guest list is for the wedding. 

[chiguirre]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

How much leave will they be allowed to take at the end of training?  Would they want to request leave, and then be able to pack their items with their household goods?

Are their orders to this new location going to come to them as two singles?  How do they know they are going to be assigned to the same location?  
 

I think she should really ask at her training location.  How long is it going to take to process the paperwork for them to be married.  Are they just going to show up at the new duty station with a marriage certificate?  
 

I think she will find out if she asks and people will be able to tell her.  
 

My first choice would be for her to have her wedding items before she moves and get stuff into stuff she’s shipping or stuff she’s storing.  It will make it easier when she finishes the overseas tour I think — I’m not sure, but I would think so.  
 

If they are keeping private (?) long-term storage during the overseas tour, maybe they can add some items to that storage before they leave.  
 

It might not be very expensive to just mail some boxes to an OCONUS address.  It’s not expensive like it would normally be to ship overseas.  That might work for a lot of smaller items.  I think flat-rate USPS shipping boxes can be shipped OCONUS at the same rate as if within the US.  I’m not sure but I think so.  
 

People at her current location might be able to tell her how long that would be likely to take, too, if anyone has been stationed there before.  

Lecka brought up a lot of good points. My Navy dd is stationed OCONUS so we've dealt with some of this stuff.

The most important thing is that they try to get their paperwork in for colocation before they get their first duty stations assigned, otherwise they might end up on different continents. There's a lot of red tape to get colocated, so be prepared for a lot of running around to get things sorted out.

Sending things to an FPO costs the same as the US rate BUT it takes a long time. My dd's Christmas chocolate that I sent before Thanksgiving arrived for Easter last year. I could follow the tracking to see it go to Bahrain, back to Chicago, to Italy, back to Chicago before it finally got to dd in San Francisco.  Amazon ships most items to an FPO, so that might be a way to go with their registry. I'd encourage people to give them cash or Amazon gift cards if they really don't want to do cash.

Good luck to the newlyweds. Dd has enjoyed her time OCONUS. I hope they do too.

[TechWife]

1 hour ago, Tree Frog said:

I also suggested asking for donations towards their honeymoon or towards purchasing items overseas once they arrive. The registry will allow guests to gift money towards a specific gift, so they could choose which items they would like to gift towards. She was concerned that some people would prefer to give them gifts that mean something personally to them, which is how she likes to give gifts.

…

She is using a registry site, but we aren't sure how to word the registry so it doesn't sound like a money grab.

 

Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I think it’s inappropriate to ask for money. I especially think it’s inappropriate to ask for money towards something optional, like a honeymoon. IME, money is a very popular wedding gift, especially from relatives. It’s my go-to for our relatives that are marrying. Based on that, I don’t think it needs to be requested. If she wants to register for anything, then she can list your address as the delivery address. Perhaps she can rent a small storage locker for any gifts they receive while they are overseas. 

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

How much leave will they be allowed to take at the end of training?  Would they want to request leave, and then be able to pack their items with their household goods?

Are their orders to this new location going to come to them as two singles?  How do they know they are going to be assigned to the same location?  
 

I think she should really ask at her training location.  How long is it going to take to process the paperwork for them to be married.  Are they just going to show up at the new duty station with a marriage certificate?  
 

I think she will find out if she asks and people will be able to tell her.  
 

My first choice would be for her to have her wedding items before she moves and get stuff into stuff she’s shipping or stuff she’s storing.  It will make it easier when she finishes the overseas tour I think — I’m not sure, but I would think so.  
 

If they are keeping private (?) long-term storage during the overseas tour, maybe they can add some items to that storage before they leave.  
 

It might not be very expensive to just mail some boxes to an OCONUS address.  It’s not expensive like it would normally be to ship overseas.  That might work for a lot of smaller items.  I think flat-rate USPS shipping boxes can be shipped OCONUS at the same rate as if within the US.  I’m not sure but I think so.  
 

People at her current location might be able to tell her how long that would be likely to take, too, if anyone has been stationed there before.  

They don't know if they'll be able to take leave after training. If they do, they will likely move, then take leave for a honeymoon where ever they're stationed. However, it's equally possible that she won't receive leave and will immediately travel to her new duty station and begin working, possibly deploying immediately. Unfortunately, no one at her training is able to answer her questions at this point, in large part because any information given will be dependent on what drops for her class. No one knows that info yet.

Only dd is in the Navy. Paperwork getting him added before they leave won't be a problem.

Because the Navy is storing her long term items, I would be very surprised if she were able to add to it. It would simplify things if she could. I didn't consider shipping her gifts to her. That's a good idea. Thank you.

The problem right now is that she won't know where she's going until probably Feb., so she doesn't have anyone specific she can ask. Dh has some Navy contacts he's connecting her with.

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

Honestly, I love it when a couple who doesn't need gifts just says so, and doesn't offer to accept money as a substitute.

I think they should simply explain the situation and say something like, "As highly mobile members of the Navy, we have no need of any more belongings or household goods! Highly sentimental folks are welcome to send small objects of deep personal meaning directly to (DD's name)'s parent's address where they can be kept safe for us until we are in the United States again. But, really, everyone should simply come and enjoy the celebration. If you feel the need to honour the occasion with money, please select a charity to receive your generosity on our behalf."

I agree. I don't know if she's even considered that. I'll suggest it to her. I appreciate your wording.

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, scholastica said:

Often, the registry will allow gifts to be shipped directly somewhere. If they know for sure which items they can’t take, they can have them shipped to your address and you won’t have to drive them home from the wedding. 

 

1 hour ago, BusyMom5 said:

I have had family overseas and I would give the couple money to purchase household items in the country they land in.  I think it's perfectly fine to say that's what is needed most- money towards household appliances they can use wherever they end up.  They may even need kitchen cabinets- those are not standard everywhere;)  

I'd items are purchased that can't be used, and include a gift receipt, return them.  Don't feel guilty!  I would not be storing stuff like that for years.  

 

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

A lot of people don’t include registry information in mailed, paper invitations anyway. If they’re using a website, I’d find one that allows them to have a “coming soon” page or allows them to post that they don’t have and address for shipping NOW but will update in the future when they do. That way they can be set up for cash gifts right away and let people know they’ll update for physical gifts in the future if that’s a gifting preference. 

They're using a website, so this would work well. I think she was thinking that if she's sending her invitations, she also needs to have her registry set. I think some of it is overthinking and panicking a bit about what needs to be done for the wedding while she training.

1 hour ago, footballmom said:

I guess my answer to how to best communicate their situation and registry request / guidance would depend on how big the guest list is for the wedding. 

They're expecting about 150 guests.

55 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

Lecka brought up a lot of good points. My Navy dd is stationed OCONUS so we've dealt with some of this stuff.

The most important thing is that they try to get their paperwork in for colocation before they get their first duty stations assigned, otherwise they might end up on different continents. There's a lot of red tape to get colocated, so be prepared for a lot of running around to get things sorted out.

Sending things to an FPO costs the same as the US rate BUT it takes a long time. My dd's Christmas chocolate that I sent before Thanksgiving arrived for Easter last year. I could follow the tracking to see it go to Bahrain, back to Chicago, to Italy, back to Chicago before it finally got to dd in San Francisco.  Amazon ships most items to an FPO, so that might be a way to go with their registry. I'd encourage people to give them cash or Amazon gift cards if they really don't want to do cash.

Good luck to the newlyweds. Dd has enjoyed her time OCONUS. I hope they do too.

We have lived OCONUS and had items shipped to our FPO. The Christmas gifts sent before Thanksgiving arrived mid summer. I hadn't considered sending items to the or having them shipped to her or us.

[Lecka]

The added information sounds good!

I would think (?) she would have orders 2 months in advance?  Probably?  I understand nobody can say when orders will come or what the report date will be, but if it’s usually 2 months (or something) I would feel fine planning off of that, with an understanding it’s not 100%.  And then just add that but assume you will have more information later.  
 

She might have options with when she schedules transportation.  Often the people in the transportation office are very kind and helpful.  

[Ginevra]

My nephew and his wife were moving onto a sailing vessel for a long-term trip at sea. Their registry had only donation options, though you could pick like, “Contribute to the main sail” or “Contribute to food stores.” The wording was nice and said something like, “As we will be on a sailboat with 90 square feet of living space, we would most appreciate contributions towards our vessel for those inclined to give a gift.” 
 

My dd also did not have a registry of stuff; she only had a donation button. It said something like, “When COVID is no longer an issue, we plan to take a trip to Italy. If you would like to contribute towards our dream honeymoon, this would be most appreciated.” 

[Toocrazy!!]

The last few weddings I’ve been invited to had website registries with options to gift toward something- a couch, a mattress, a honeymoon, Airbnb cards, etc. I think people are much more understanding now that a lot of people getting married have a lot they need, or want less “stuff.” Most people want to give a gift of some sort and are happy to contribute. 
Closer friends and family will probably ask, and you can lead them towards cash. 

[Tree Frog]

2 hours ago, Lecka said:

The added information sounds good!

I would think (?) she would have orders 2 months in advance?  Probably?  I understand nobody can say when orders will come or what the report date will be, but if it’s usually 2 months (or something) I would feel fine planning off of that, with an understanding it’s not 100%.  And then just add that but assume you will have more information later.  
 

She might have options with when she schedules transportation.  Often the people in the transportation office are very kind and helpful.  

Our AF experience tells us she should have advance notice. She's stuck on having something set up for the registry before invitations go out. However, everyone she's inviting either already knows the circumstances (friends) or has someone they can ask (family).

That's a good idea about transportation. Thank you.

[Tree Frog]

 

1 hour ago, Ginevra said:

My nephew and his wife were moving onto a sailing vessel for a long-term trip at sea. Their registry had only donation options, though you could pick like, “Contribute to the main sail” or “Contribute to food stores.” The wording was nice and said something like, “As we will be on a sailboat with 90 square feet of living space, we would most appreciate contributions towards our vessel for those inclined to give a gift.” 
 

My dd also did not have a registry of stuff; she only had a donation button. It said something like, “When COVID is no longer an issue, we plan to take a trip to Italy. If you would like to contribute towards our dream honeymoon, this would be most appreciated.” 

 

1 hour ago, Toocrazy!! said:

The last few weddings I’ve been invited to had website registries with options to gift toward something- a couch, a mattress, a honeymoon, Airbnb cards, etc. I think people are much more understanding now that a lot of people getting married have a lot they need, or want less “stuff.” Most people want to give a gift of some sort and are happy to contribute. 
Closer friends and family will probably ask, and you can lead them towards cash. 

These are what I was thinking she should do, though I like @bolt.'s idea of donating to a charity, too.

Thank you for all your thoughts and ideas.

[Drama Llama]

I would make a very short registry, with things they will actually want to take with them, and a note saying that since they anticipate leaving the country and they already have more than they can travel with!   Then, I would have them reach out to a handful of key people, the best man/MOH, their parents, whoever is the biggest gossip in the family, and suggest that if people say "everything's sold out, is there anything else they want?" that person can suggest cash for things like travel or appliances in the new country.

I think most people will read between the lines, and either send cash, or ask a friend or family member who will suggest cash.  

[marbel]

I don't know anything about the military but just about gifts in general.

Wedding invitations don't include gift/registry information so she should not delay getting her invitations out because of that. As someone said upthread, that can be included in a wedding website later. A wedding registry isn't required at all anyway.  

From what I'm told by young people in my life... none of your daughter's peers are going to be offended if the registry is for money contributions, or if there is no registry at all.  Older people (like myself!) like registries and some are offended by requests for cash or contributions to a fund.  I like a registry because I have little imagination when it comes to gifts, and I like to know what people want.  So if cash is what they want, yay! Easy for me, easy for them. 

If some people are upset, another relative can clue them in/calm them down. I guess that will be you, but maybe there are aunts, cousins, etc who can have a word with people who might not understand. 

 

 

Edited January 2 by marbel

[QueenCat]

I get the issues your daughter is facing, but I really hate it when people ask for money (gift cards included in this). It's one thing if people give money on their own (common), it's quite another to directly ask for it. 

[livetoread]

4 hours ago, QueenCat said:

I get the issues your daughter is facing, but I really hate it when people ask for money (gift cards included in this). It's one thing if people give money on their own (common), it's quite another to directly ask for it. 

But why? I mean I know about the etiquette, but why is asking for material things fine, but asking for money is not? Is there a good reason for the etiquette? I struggle to come up with a reason good enough to overcome the simple reality that money is often the better gift. Not always, but often, so why should a couple pretend it isn't?

Edited to add that I understand asking for anything is suspect and one shouldn't come across as greedy or expecting anything. But to me, once you are crossing that threshold, say with a registry, then money should be every bit as acceptable as a toaster oven.

Edited January 2 by livetoread

[QueenCat]

Just now, livetoread said:

But why? I mean I know about the etiquette, but why is asking for material things fine, but asking for money is not? Is there a good reason for the etiquette? I struggle to come up with a reason good enough to overcome the simple reality that money is often the better gift. Not always, but often, so why should a couple pretend it isn't?

 To me, cash is likely putting a price tag on what you gave. There's nothing wrong with giving money, I often do. I don't like being asked for it when I might have been thinking of something else. 

[elegantlion]

the last wedding I attended had an online registry. The couple are both adults who combined households, they didn't need stuff. Their registry includes some household items but they had their honeymoon broken down into days and events. So your $50 paid for them to take the train or use toward a hotel. Knowing that this couple loves to travel, I would have rather spent money on that part of their life than more stuff or just a general cash fund. I'm not against cash and have done that, but I like the idea of knowing that they cash is going toward an experience. 

[TechWife]

46 minutes ago, livetoread said:

But why? I mean I know about the etiquette, but why is asking for material things fine, but asking for money is not? Is there a good reason for the etiquette? I struggle to come up with a reason good enough to overcome the simple reality that money is often the better gift. Not always, but often, so why should a couple pretend it isn't?

Edited to add that I understand asking for anything is suspect and one should come across as greedy or expecting anything. But to me, once you are crossing that threshold, say with a registry, then money should be every bit as acceptable as a toaster oven.

It’s actually not fine. We’ve just become accustomed to it. It has always been rude to ask for gifts or money.

When I married 30 years ago, I don’t make my registry public and neither did any of our friends. It was available to those who asked for it, either by phoning family to inquire as to the location or by contacting the department store directly. There were very few places to register, in any case. We didn’t register for every tiny thing. We registered for dishes, kitchenware, linen and some people also registered for luggage, which was proportionally more expensive then.

It was also understood that there is a difference between a shower gift, and a wedding gift. Giving a shower gift isn’t a substitute for a wedding gift. 

[Tree Frog]

17 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

the last wedding I attended had an online registry. The couple are both adults who combined households, they didn't need stuff. Their registry includes some household items but they had their honeymoon broken down into days and events. So your $50 paid for them to take the train or use toward a hotel. Knowing that this couple loves to travel, I would have rather spent money on that part of their life than more stuff or just a general cash fund. I'm not against cash and have done that, but I like the idea of knowing that they cash is going toward an experience. 

After talking with her last night, this is what they're thinking to do. They will have honeymoon expenses and will need a dog kennel to fly their dog to them and hard sided cases to transport their bikes. Gifts could be sent to us, but they wouldn't see or open them for 3 years if they immediately move overseas. 

[Bootsie]

49 minutes ago, livetoread said:

But why? I mean I know about the etiquette, but why is asking for material things fine, but asking for money is not? Is there a good reason for the etiquette? I struggle to come up with a reason good enough to overcome the simple reality that money is often the better gift. Not always, but often, so why should a couple pretend it isn't?

Edited to add that I understand asking for anything is suspect and one should come across as greedy or expecting anything. But to me, once you are crossing that threshold, say with a registry, then money should be every bit as acceptable as a toaster oven.

IMO, a gift registry is different than "asking for material things".  This is why the gift registry is not listed on the wedding invitation.  The registry provides suggestions, information regarding the couple's likes and tastes, information regarding what the couple would like, needs, or lacks.  It is there to be a guide and helpful for the gift giver.  A gift registry will contain items from a variety of price ranges, allowing the guest who is able to budget $20 for a gift to provide a thoughtful gift, as well as the person who can budget $200 for a gift.  It also allows the gift giver who makes homemade potholders for gifts to know whether pink or orange, pastels or primary colors are more likely to be appreciated.  It isn't about a list of "the better gift".  

My mom, who is in her 80s, still has some wedding gifts and is reminded every time she uses them (Mrs. Malone gave me this gravy boat...)  Requesting money is very different because it isn't something that the giver would say "I never thought of that; thanks for the suggestion" or "It was really helpful to know that you would live blue towels rather than mauve".  It doesn't give the gift giver a range of choices.  The gift giver who can only afford $20 cannot feel that they were able to give a nice measuring cup or a set of coasters that the couple will use.  Instead of the gift being the focus, the denomination is the focus.  The $200 gift giver gave 10X more.  

I agree that in many instances cash is the more useful gift for the couple.  But, if someone is close enough to the couple to be invited to the wedding, they are also probably close enough to know that is the case in the particular situation.  It isn't like someone needs to be told "we prefer Benjamin Franklin to George Washington"

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

2 hours ago, elegantlion said:

the last wedding I attended had an online registry. The couple are both adults who combined households, they didn't need stuff. Their registry includes some household items but they had their honeymoon broken down into days and events. So your $50 paid for them to take the train or use toward a hotel. Knowing that this couple loves to travel, I would have rather spent money on that part of their life than more stuff or just a general cash fund. I'm not against cash and have done that, but I like the idea of knowing that they cash is going toward an experience. 

After talking with her last night, this is what they're thinking to do. They will have honeymoon expenses and will need a dog kennel to fly their dog to them and hard sided cases to transport their bikes. Gifts could be sent to us, but they wouldn't see or open them for 3 years if they immediately move overseas. 

An older couple who was getting married once did a gift registry where essentially people were giving cash, except they made all these categories of stuff. They had all the reasonable priced items like dishes but what they wanted was a European vacation and a yacht so we contributed to those. I thought it was cute. (Yes, technically they didn't need a dime, but people like to give.)

I come from a culture that views it as rude to give anything other than cash for a wedding so 🤷‍♀️. I also agree with your DD about making a registry before the invitations. It's not necessary but sure saves a lot of grief when people complain you don't have enough on your registry. I have 16 GIANT plates because I got so overwhelmed by putting things on the registry. Also don't gift givers actually want to give things people want??

[mum]

Our daughter just got married and one of the items on their registry was monetary donation to honeymoon fund. Many people did that, including some of our extended family and they commented how happy they were to do that. 

Our son was USMC when he married. He was changing duty stations 2 weeks before wedding. Outgoing duty station couldn't give leave for the duty station he would actually be at. He did not find out that he had leave to attend his own wedding 3000 miles away until 2 days before the wedding. I had guests in my house  from far away before I learned if my son would be there. It was very hard. But that's how it goes and there's no changing it. I learned over his 6 years in USMC to not count on anything and not make any advance plans. 

[chiguirre]

3 hours ago, TechWife said:

We registered for dishes, kitchenware, linen and some people also registered for luggage, which was proportionally more expensive then.

 

 

3 hours ago, Bootsie said:

My mom, who is in her 80s, still has some wedding gifts and is reminded every time she uses them (Mrs. Malone gave me this gravy boat...)  Requesting money is very different because it isn't something that the giver would say "I never thought of that; thanks for the suggestion" or "It was really helpful to know that you would live blue towels rather than mauve".  It doesn't give the gift giver a range of choices.  The gift giver who can only afford $20 cannot feel that they were able to give a nice measuring cup or a set of coasters that the couple will use.  Instead of the gift being the focus, the denomination is the focus.  The $200 gift giver gave 10X more.  

I agree that in many instances cash is the more useful gift for the couple.  But, if someone is close enough to the couple to be invited to the wedding, they are also probably close enough to know that is the case in the particular situation.  It isn't like someone needs to be told "we prefer Benjamin Franklin to George Washington"

How many couples getting married today don't have dishes, kitchenware and linens? Plus, these items are just not very expensive unless you're opting for high-end brands. Most young people just starting out are probably fine with Rachel Ray instead of Le Creuset. That's not going to make much of a gift registry list if each guest wants to give $100-200.

I bought dd a set of cookware, dishes, kitchen gadgets and tea towels for $300 during Amazon's Black Friday sale since she'll be moving into her first apartment soon. (They all got to her FPO on time too, yea Amazon!) I got good deals, but these items are just not as expensive now as they were 30 years ago relative to other purchases like education, housing and travel. 

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, chiguirre said:

 

How many couples getting married today don't have dishes, kitchenware and linens? Plus, these items are just not very expensive unless you're opting for high-end brands. Most young people just starting out are probably fine with Rachel Ray instead of Le Creuset. That's not going to make much of a gift registry list if each guest wants to give $100-200.

I bought dd a set of cookware, dishes, kitchen gadgets and tea towels for $300 during Amazon's Black Friday sale since she'll be moving into her first apartment soon. (They all got to her FPO on time too, yea Amazon!) I got good deals, but these items are just not as expensive now as they were 30 years ago relative to other purchases like education, housing and travel. 

Yes, the idea is that because you aren’t putting a lot of stuff on your registry, you ask for higher quality items. We’re 30 years in and use the French white casserole dishes (which are better quality than what they sell as the same today), the stainless silverware & Henkel’s knives daily. I also still have my formal China & crystal that we use on special occasions. The everyday China lasted about 23 years, IIRC. When we weren’t down to just a few plates & bowls left, we purchased another high quality set on our own that will hopefully last as long.

Most people today don’t register for formal China from what I understand, but everyday is requested and there’s a wide variance in quality between brands.

It is really okay that if there’s not much on a registry. 

Edited January 3 by TechWife

[KungFuPanda]

I’d encourage your daughter not to stress about the timing of the household registry. People have until a year after the wedding to send a gift. A delay in posting a registry won’t matter. I’d have them do a cash registry where people can donate now for things like a honeymoon fund, the bike cases, the kennel, etc . . . a clear direction for cash donations. I’d also tell her to post somewhere that a household registry will be shared as soon as possible after receiving orders or a shipping address. People will understand and most people will probably choose the early/cash route. Those who don’t like that option can get in on the later registry. 

[Sneezyone]

Even the 3-star DH works for doesn't regularly entertain with fine china. They have a staff and cooks and access to official service sets. Srsly. It's just not a thing anymore.

Overall, life is more casual and less fussy now and that's OK. I would not encourage them to make a registry and ask for things they can't use when they reach their destination. By the time they return, they may want and need different things.

Regardless of whether fluffernuts are ruffled, what they NEED is the flexibility to obtain items that may work with alternate power cords/plugs, and the financial resources to do the things that bring them joy during their down times. If you couch it that way to those who ask for suggestions, 8/10 people will have -0- issues because they want to support and aid the young couple and put them first, not enslave themselves to etiquette.

[Tree Frog]

51 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’d encourage your daughter not to stress about the timing of the household registry. People have until a year after the wedding to send a gift. A delay in posting a registry won’t matter. I’d have them do a cash registry where people can donate now for things like a honeymoon fund, the bike cases, the kennel, etc . . . a clear direction for cash donations. I’d also tell her to post somewhere that a household registry will be shared as soon as possible after receiving orders or a shipping address. People will understand and most people will probably choose the early/cash route. Those who don’t like that option can get in on the later registry. 

The bolded is what I told her. She likes to have everything done on her timeline and some things can't be until she knows where she'll be going.

[Tree Frog]

30 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Even the 3-star DH works for doesn't regularly entertain with fine china. They have a staff and cooks and access to official service sets. Srsly. It's just not a thing anymore.

Overall, life is more casual and less fussy now and that's OK. I would not encourage them to make a registry and ask for things they can't use when they reach their destination. By the time they return, they may want and need different things.

Regardless of whether fluffernuts are ruffled, what they NEED is the flexibility to obtain items that may work with alternate power cords/plugs, and the financial resources to do the things that bring them joy during their down times. If you couch it that way to those who ask for suggestions, 8/10 people will have -0- issues because they want to support and aid the young couple and put them first, not enslave themselves to etiquette.

The bolded is what dd is trying to avoid. She would prefer items such as sheets for her mattress and towels.

I plan to answer questions about their registry the way you suggest in the second paragraph.

[Garga]

Register. Receive the gifts. Return any that can’t be used for cash. 

[Laura Corin]

5 hours ago, Garga said:

Register. Receive the gifts. Return any that can’t be used for cash. 

But they probably won't know what is useable until they are already overseas. It doesn’t make sense to me to be designing a system that will lead to mass returns from overseas. Even if the shipping is cheap in the forces, that's a big environmental impact.

I really feel that this is a situation where the practicalities require cash, whether designated for future needs or for charity.

[Harriet Vane]

6 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

But they probably won't know what is useable until they are already overseas. It doesn’t make sense to me to be designing a system that will lead to mass returns from overseas. Even if the shipping is cheap in the forces, that's a big environmental impact.

I really feel that this is a situation where the practicalities require cash, whether designated for future needs or for charity.

A dear friend of mine moved to South Africa after she married. The fact is, stuff just cannot easily go that distance. Her friends all understood and were enthusiastic in their support of the big journey. The stickiest person of all was her own mother--not out of any mean spiritedness, but out of sheer emotional enthusiasm and sentimentality. She wanted to buy things for her last launching daughter, and many of her purchases were disastrously impossible to bring from the US to Africa. 

[marbel]

8 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

But they probably won't know what is useable until they are already overseas. It doesn’t make sense to me to be designing a system that will lead to mass returns from overseas. Even if the shipping is cheap in the forces, that's a big environmental impact.

I really feel that this is a situation where the practicalities require cash, whether designated for future needs or for charity.

This is also a situation where the people giving the gifts need to keep the recipients in mind, not their own desires. Obviously OP and her daughter don't have any control over that, but it doesn't do anyone any good to pretend that this is not an unusual circumstance requiring a little out-of-the-box thinking re: gifts. It just makes no sense to register for things that may not work out and then return the toaster ovens and crockpots that can't be used.

 

Edited January 3 by marbel