Thanksgiving Gatekeeping

[freesia]

28 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

::Waltzes in with food::  "I brought X, Y, and Z. Even thought nobody HAS to eat it,  I'm going to open the floor for five minutes of petty complaints so you can get it out of your system and the rest of us can enjoy the day.  Sis, you can start . . ."

 

Will that work? Always Be Crazier!

I may have done something like this when I knew my kids wouldn’t like dinner…. 😂 

[City Mouse]

I’d just change traditions and go away to a nice hotel for Thanksgiving 🤪 Or go camping instead which is how my DH and I handled Thanksgiving for about 15years until we moved 12 hours away

Edited November 19, 2023 by City Mouse

[goldberry]

Literally just watched a tiktok where the recommended reply to any snark/meanness at Thanksgiving was a puzzled look, pause, then "What a strange thing to say to me." then walk away.  I love it!

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

::Waltzes in with food::  "I brought X, Y, and Z. Even thought nobody HAS to eat it,  I'm going to open the floor for five minutes of petty complaints so you can get it out of your system and the rest of us can enjoy the day.  Sis, you can start . . ."

 

Will that work? Always Be Crazier!

hahahahahahwhahahahahahaha ily 😂

[Brittany1116]

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Traditional Thanksgiving foods are my favorite meal. 

I would never tell someone not to bring extra or alternate dishes, and it strikes me as odd. I would certainly never tell someone not to bring a traditional dish. (Side note here: MIL the last 2 years has had turkey, gravy, green beans, and macaroni and called it a day and it makes me twitch. We are going to my Mom's this year.😆)

Macaroni and cheese is so ubiquitous, especially in the South, that I am not surprised a lot of people call it a Thanksgiving side. It doesn't make my top 10 list but I am not shocked to see it. 

[busymama7]

4 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I have one really special holiday recipe that everyone raves over but I don’t make it for the larger crowd anymore. One because it’s expensive, but also because one year an ever-obnoxious family member showed up late for dessert only and made a big deal about “where’s the xyz?!!” which had already been put away in the fridge with the main meal leftovers. Now I just make it for the immediate family sometime in the Nov/Dec holiday season, and have delicious leftovers to send home with my own adult kids who love it. 

What is it? Can you share?

[Alte Veste Academy]

This behavior is wrong in so many ways. Two really bother me though.

The idea that families wouldn’t let any new foods in is a slap in the face to in-laws of every generation. It’s like a big you are not one of us to those not born into the family. What an individual family enjoys as Thanksgiving tradition varies, of course. When a marriage occurs, the new member of the family will almost surely have something from their family of origin that makes the day special for them, something they want to pass on as tradition to their children. What a weird reaction it is to be offended by the differences and not welcome, much less allow, the food to be at Thanksgiving.

The other thing is that a host/hostess is supposed to be concerned with the feelings and comfort of their guests. In this situation, I see all of your extended family, not just your mom, as the hosts of Thanksgiving, at least to your DH and kids. Behavior and words that makes guests feel unwelcome is the antithesis of good hosting behavior. 

[Catwoman]

8 hours ago, freesia said:

This is ridiculous. Honestly, they are being ridiculous. Of course you can bring whatever you want. That isn’t even a question honestly. I would laugh lightly and say, you’re kidding right?  And if they still pushed I would tell them to knock it off and that I’ll bring what I want and I am not going to discuss it anymore. And then I would walk away or hang up on them if they brought it up. If they tried to make family drama from that, I’d still refuse to discuss it. 
 

For the record, when we had Thanksgiving with my MIL, I always brought what my family liked best/wanted. My MIL often went rogue on the meal and this kept drama from my kids down. As long as you help clean up and take home extra food it’s all good. 

I agree.

I would tell aunt and sister to suck it up and deal with it, and to stop being so childish. 

I have no patience for control freaks, particularly when it's not even their house! 

Your mom is fine with whatever you bring, so if anyone complains, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them to knock it off. If they don't like what you bring, they don't have to eat it. It's not like you are intentionally not bringing your traditional "assigned" dish, so if you bring extra side dishes, they have no right to whine about it.

Sorry you're stuck dealing with such nonsense, Lecka! (And I would be happy to eat the dishes you mentioned -- especially the mashed potatoes without the yogurt, because I only like the kind with milk and butter! I would much prefer your sweet potatoes, too, and I'm always in the mood for macaroni and cheese, even though we don't traditionally have it at Thanksgiving.)

Maybe you should just solve this problem by coming over to my house for Thanksgiving! 😉 

[Carol in Cal.]

Want some cheese to go with that whine?  (Sometimes a useful joke.)

[Arcadia]

9 hours ago, marbel said:

I do know people like their traditional foods but having something new added when the old things are not being taken away, seems... petty and small-minded. 

My in-laws can and have behave that way. They feel it undermines their “authority” as head of the household. 
 

I wonder whether OP’s aunt and sister’s bad behavior is due to them feeling like OP is slowly taking over as host especially with OP staying nearby and bringing more dishes. 

[TechWife]

10 hours ago, Alte Veste Academy said:

This behavior is wrong in so many ways. Two really bother me though.

The idea that families wouldn’t let any new foods in is a slap in the face to in-laws of every generation. It’s like a big you are not one of us to those not born into the family. What an individual family enjoys as Thanksgiving tradition varies, of course. When a marriage occurs, the new member of the family will almost surely have something from their family of origin that makes the day special for them, something they want to pass on as tradition to their children. What a weird reaction it is to be offended by the differences and not welcome, much less allow, the food to be at Thanksgiving.

…

Yes! We spend some Thanksgivings with DH’s family. We meet up at our niece’s house because it’s geographically in the middle. Everyone makes their own side.  Her husband makes sweet potato biscuits, which is a holiday recipe he grew up with. We got the recipe from him one year and then made them at my parents’ house for the next holiday we were with them. They were well liked and my father particularly liked them. My brother has become our family sweet potato biscuit maker now! 

[Dmmetler]

Another thing....if you have people with allergies, sensory issues, or dietary limitations, the easiest way to accommodate that is to let them bring food they know they can eat. 

 

I went through so many Christmas dinners eating bread  and not much else because my grandmother used a crust on the ham that contained cinnamon and therefore the ham and gravy were dangerous for me, and most of the sides had gloppy sauces that triggered my sensory issues. It was miserable. (Made worse by being on head spinning doses of benadryl to hopefully avoid reacting, and I still wonder if one reason why my allergy eventually got to LTFA level was that I got exposed at those family events). I'm honestly thankful that we didn't live close enough to be expected to show up for Thanksgiving or Easter...or Sunday dinner! 

 

When L was younger, we had a lot of family dinners with DH's family where we ended up taking L and the other younger cousins for a "walk". Which inevitably ended up at McDonalds where they could get nuggets-which was, fortunately, about 3/4 of a mile away. Because my hypersensory kid couldn't handle anything unfamiliar and not 100% "safe" in that kind of situation and some of the other kids weren't much better off. Again, I'm thankful that we usually didn't see them on major holidays where everything was closed. 

 

 

 

[Lecka]

I talked to my husband…. His memory is that 2 years ago we were told not to bring mashed potatoes and it was a consensus among everyone and we went along with it.

Then last year we took mashed potatoes and he thought it was fine and is surprised it’s come up again.  
 

We are going to make the best of it and hope for things to go well.  
 

My husband pointed out… I think because I said I will bring some sides, my mom said something like, then she will just make turkey, gravy, and mashed potatoes.  So maybe people are mad my mom isn’t going to make more sides?  I am maybe coming across like “mom, you’re 81, you don’t have to worry about the sides,” and people would rather my mom make the sides.  
 

Then my husband thinks….. with my aunt, she has one child, who is my cousin.  He is a few months older than I am.  He needs a lot of support and he is not someone who can do everything that people his age do.  She has had some stuff where — for example, when we moved into our house here, she was really surprised that we unpacked our stuff, set up our house, etc, without my mom helping us.  She was shocked.  She she’s skeptical of me in ways, and we (my husband and I) think it’s hard for her to accept that I expect to be involved in Thanksgiving planning, it is a big contrast compared to my cousin who would not be involved in planning or bringing anything.  
 

My husband will have my back and is planning to go around saying how much he likes my cooking.  He thinks we can avoid spending much time with certain people.  
 

We might make our own plans for Christmas.  
 

I have appreciated this discussion.  
 

Edit:  I do think my mom should feel free to do less as she has gotten older and I think it’s harder for her in the kitchen.  I do not think my mom has *any* issue with this.  I do not feel like I have a lot of tolerance for people who want to just think my mom’s still in great shape and hasn’t slowed down at all.  She has not slowed down a lot — but she has slowed down.  It is a lot of organization and shopping to make multiple dishes.  I think this is maybe more what’s going on with my sister.  
 

It is also something where… it is kind-of a family thing that we like weird/healthy food like the yogurt.  My mom and this sister are really into finding ways to add yogurt to different foods.
 

I think I can just say how I think it’s fun we do yogurt mashed potatoes and I like them, I just like to have regular, too.  I think that will be fine.  

Edited November 19, 2023 by Lecka

[SKL]

I assume you aren't going on and on about the food you brought, which could put non-bringers on the defensive.  I guess my parameters would be:

• Get the host's OK.
• Make sure there's room / don't crowd out the more traditional family favorites.
• Don't expect everyone (or anyone in particular) to taste, eat, or like your dish.
• Don't comment on what you brought or what anyone else did or didn't bring, other than to genuinely compliment the cooks of the food you eat.
  • (Of course if someone else brings it up e.g. "who brought this delicious casserole," then respond as normal.)
• Don't ask others to take your food home.  If they want to, that's fine, otherwise take it back home with you.

If you do these things and people still make petty comments, my go to is the "smile and nod" response.

[busymama7]

For some laughs:

 

📸 Watch this video on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/PMsd1JnLGa2xP5BV/?mibextid=3mALyM

 

[Faith-manor]

19 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I talked to my husband…. His memory is that 2 years ago we were told not to bring mashed potatoes and it was a consensus among everyone and we went along with it.

Then last year we took mashed potatoes and he thought it was fine and is surprised it’s come up again.  
 

We are going to make the best of it and hope for things to go well.  
 

My husband pointed out… I think because I said I will bring some sides, my mom said something like, then she will just make turkey, gravy, and mashed potatoes.  So maybe people are mad my mom isn’t going to make more sides?  I am maybe coming across like “mom, you’re 81, you don’t have to worry about the sides,” and people would rather my mom make the sides.  
 

Then my husband thinks….. with my aunt, she has one child, who is my cousin.  He is a few months older than I am.  He needs a lot of support and he is not someone who can do everything that people his age do.  She has had some stuff where — for example, when we moved into our house here, she was really surprised that we unpacked our stuff, set up our house, etc, without my mom helping us.  She was shocked.  She she’s skeptical of me in ways, and we (my husband and I) think it’s hard for her to accept that I expect to be involved in Thanksgiving planning, it is a big contrast compared to my cousin who would not be involved in planning or bringing anything.  
 

My husband will have my back and is planning to go around saying how much he likes my cooking.  He thinks we can avoid spending much time with certain people.  
 

We might make our own plans for Christmas.  
 

I have appreciated this discussion.  
 

Edit:  I do think my mom should feel free to do less as she has gotten older and I think it’s harder for her in the kitchen.  I do not think my mom has *any* issue with this.  I do not feel like I have a lot of tolerance for people who want to just think my mom’s still in great shape and hasn’t slowed down at all.  She has not slowed down a lot — but she has slowed down.  It is a lot of organization and shopping to make multiple dishes.  I think this is maybe more what’s going on with my sister.  
 

It is also something where… it is kind-of a family thing that we like weird/healthy food like the yogurt.  My mom and this sister are really into finding ways to add yogurt to different foods.
 

I think I can just say how I think it’s fun we do yogurt mashed potatoes and I like them, I just like to have regular, too.  I think that will be fine.  

Would it be possible to invite your mom to your home for Christmas Eve or Day, and nor everyone else? This would allow the others to meet with her at her home on their own terms while you and your family get a break from the drama.

I get it. My brother and his wife, and their eldest daughter made every single holiday miserable for so many years that when my dad died 7 years ago, Mark and I pulled the plug on family gatherings. We get together with my, mother in law, and our kids totally separate from everyone else. We would be fine being with our adult nephews and their families, but they are so put out with their dad and step mom (their behavior is egregiously ugly), that they do not come around at all except to meet up with their grandma (mom) under the radar. We see them at their homes or a neutral place like a restaurant in order to catch up with each other.

Nasty people ruin it for everyone else. Sigh. But, we decided we were done playing these games, and coming away from every single extended family meal/get  together regretting we had gone with our kids also just done and over it.

[Lecka]

The only thing I might be doing on that list, is that I might be replacing some volume of food my mom would otherwise cook.  
 

My mom is 81 and I think if people besides her have got that motivation — they are in serious denial of the aging process.  
 

This is actually an issue some people in my family have (denial of the aging process) and I already know I’m not on the same page on this general issue.  
 

I do not think I have directly or indirectly caused my mom to not make something against her wishes, but I do think she might plan to cook more if I weren’t planning to bring what I’m planning to bring.  
 

I am also — usually the person who strips the meat off the turkey and takes care of the turkey carcass.  My husband has gone to set up my mom’s holiday table since we have lived here.  So I feel like with some of this, there are complaints from people who aren’t participating in all the work and don’t realize that there are things my mom and step-dad need help with.  I don’t think I would realize if we weren’t living here now.  
 

In no way do I think I am crowding her out or stopping her from cooking anything she wants to cook.  
 

My 18yo son is also helping her this year in the morning, I will be at my own house.  She will probably need him to lift the turkey for her and help keep track of time.  
 

She is happy to have him and is happy to be passing down a tradition to him by having him help her and see how she does things. 
 

I do think we are maybe doing some transitions like this that some people don’t like.  But if the reasons they don’t like it is they don’t want to think my mom is 81 years old, I don’t know what to do about that.

 

I am not saying she can’t do it or anything like that.  I think this is pretty appropriate though.  
 

 

[teachermom2834]

It’s awful people act like that. My family is very particular. Everything had to be done exactly the same way everytime. But also lazy. So they had lots of demands about how everything had to be but I was the one doing it. It sounds like that is how people are acting. They want everything exactly how they want it AND they want your mom to do it all. Well that’s a great deal if they can get it. 
 

The last time I hosted I did everything myself and said this is how it is - keep your complaints to yourself or save them for your own family on the ride home. Nice, huh? 
 

This year I ordered catering and told everyone I was unsure of the quality or the exact ingredients or preparations being used so if something is important to them to bring it themselves just how they like it (I.e. the exact mashed potatoes we have always required). Guess what? Now everyone is saying “I’m sure the catering is fine. I’m not that picky about mashed potatoes” lol…as soon as it is put on them to make it all of a sudden they are more flexible. 
 

 

[Lecka]

My mom will not do a holiday with just us, and she does still want to host.  I think she likes hosting but knows it’s very possible to host with other people bringing food.

 

In my memory — in my childhood we took a lot of prepared food to my grandmother’s, and when I was a teenager we took everything except the turkey, and my aunt brought the turkey, and we were all at my grandmother’s.  
 

We have already had…. Me saying my brother-in-law is rude and I don’t want to have my kids’ birthday meals with him there.  That’s already going on, and my mom doesn’t like it.  She would like it if everyone got along.  
 

I thought my uncle was drunk at my twins’ birthday last year and we didn’t have a party with them this year.  
 

As much as I know my mother doesn’t like this, we have moved here and we see them all the time now.  We see them at least weekly.  
 

I got philharmonic tickets with my sister and we go to supper together and then the concert, just the two of us, and I don’t have to see her husband.

 

So overall we have got good solutions.  
 

It is also true that my husband and I have moved here and now we are involved, and it is a change.  Some people here didn’t know that — by chance my mom has been visiting us several times on her birthday, and my husband makes her a carrot cake.  He brought her a carrot cake for her birthday since we lived here and some people were like — they thought it was too much or something.  Well, my husband has got his own relationship with my mom and step-dad at this point, he will talk to them on the phone.  We have been married for 18 years.

 

It is true that before we moved here, my husband didn’t come here very often.  I came with the kids most of the time.  My husband worked on a lot of holidays or wouldn’t have very much time off.  
 

But my parents have always visited us and they have known my husband well for years and years.  
 

It is true I don’t think my family is really welcoming to in-laws. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I do think people are really attached to my mom doing things.  
 

She does love to host.  
 

There’s also an issue with my sisters… they are 8 and 11 years older than I am.  
 

For example — in my teen years my grandparents were fading and we (my mom, my step-dad, and I) were down there at least twice a month and taking care of their house and making sure they had food, and my mom was setting up people to check on them and looking for informal home health aides she was paying.  
 

My sisters were already young adults by then and have no memory of any of this.  I don’t have memories of them going on these visits.  
 

So this is just — a pretty big difference between us.  
 

 

[ScoutTN]

They are being ridiculous and incredibly immature. Bring what you want. Enjoy the day! 
 

I would totally use some of the suggested snarky replies, but ymmv and I get that you want the day to be pleasant for your mom.

Edited November 19, 2023 by ScoutTN

[Alte Veste Academy]

LOL As a military wife, not having the ability to unpack and settle in could be disastrous!

Your DH sounds like a really nice guy, Lecka. 

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, Lecka said:

think I can just say how I think it’s fun we do yogurt mashed potatoes and I like them, I just like to have regular, too.  I think that will be fine.  

I think that’s diplomatic and a good plan.

It’s very charming that your DH makes your mom a carrot cake for her birthday!!! 

[kbutton]

21 hours ago, Brittany1116 said:

I would never tell someone not to bring extra or alternate dishes, and it strikes me as odd. I would certainly never tell someone not to bring a traditional dish

I have had to nix some ideas before after a relative brought food 3.5 hours in a relatively hot car (lay spring) with no cooler (it had meat in it). I never want to have to deal with that again, so they got assigned baked goods. Now they are not really welcome here so it’s moot.

I suspect that’s not what you’re thinking of, but some people do weird things you can’t anticipate, lol!

Generally I’m pretty chill about people bringing stuff, but I prefer they let me make the main dishes due to food intolerances. 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, kbutton said:

I have had to nix some ideas before after a relative brought food 3.5 hours in a relatively hot car (lay spring) with no cooler (it had meat in it). I never want to have to deal with that again, so they got assigned baked goods. Now they are not really welcome here so it’s moot.

I suspect that’s not what you’re thinking of, but some people do weird things you can’t anticipate, lol!

Generally I’m pretty chill about people bringing stuff, but I prefer they let me make the main dishes due to food intolerances. 

I should probably clarify that the food poisoning waiting to happen was not what makes them not welcome, lol! It’s a toxic person.

[Faith-manor]

28 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I should probably clarify that the food poisoning waiting to happen was not what makes them not welcome, lol! It’s a toxic person.

Toxic person, botulinum toxins...same same.

😁