Thank you

[bolt.]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No I am not. The homeowner/friend was long gone. She did not even hear the ‘thank you’. I am the one who let her in and she did not even acknowledge my existence . 

I'm not sure why you go to such trouble to make life easier for her. There are lots of potential reasons for that, so it might be worth observing yourself when things like that happen. Like, what was wrong with her typing in the password off the box, if that was already happening? Where did your urge to intervene come from?

(Possibilities: Do you feel impatient watching her do things a harder/slower way? Do you feel compassion or empathy as if she is suffering in some way? Are you concerned that some things might be too hard for her, and she would be embarrassed? Are you working hard to anticipate/avoid getting in hot water or dealing with an outburst?)

I can really see that you 'step up to make things easy' -- like a good person, out of good motives. Then you get reprimanded or ignored, and it bugs you. Have you considered just not doing that? Just being passive and giving her time and space to sort out her own business in her own ways? Maybe acting like you have all the time in the world to wait for her to figure out what she would like to do, and ask for any help she needs/wants with that? That approach can feel really weird, but it can be empowering (to both of you) to let her be in the driver's seat.

[Indigo Blue]

20 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Right. Maybe so. 
 

I am making sure I don’t respond to anyone that way. 

But you have to allow yourself grace, too. You can’t possibly know everything to say or not say before you even say or not say it. You can’t predict how she will respond. And she IS being prickly. So this is difficult. It’s not always your fault just because you didn’t make the right judgment call in any given situation. You don’t want to cross the line into walking on eggshells. I like what the poster said above something along the lines of she can choose to be/act how she pleases, but you can choose how you want to respond…or not respond. If you think she may have a problem with you overstepping and you are aware, all you can do is your best not to do that while, at the same time, not ending up having to rotate around her all the time. IF it gets to that point, maybe it’s time to put a little space between you and her. 

[Starr]

I have not found these sorts of things to get better with age. Hugs to you. 

[Scarlett]

45 minutes ago, marbel said:

I'm really confused. You had said:

Am I not understanding what the friend brought her, and when?  

The router box that had the password written on it.  

[Scarlett]

On 6/11/2023 at 4:33 PM, bolt. said:

r

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[marbel]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

In this instance a message popped up on my phone that said, ‘share password.’  Should I have just declined that option and let her and another 77 year old friend work together to put in a long series of letters and passwords?  I would have done that for anyone.  

"Hey mom, if you don't want to have to type the password in, I can share it with you from my phone. Would you like that?"

Maybe the answer would be "no thanks, I'd like to do it myself.'

My husband is a computer engineer and he can do a lot of things way faster than I can. But I prefer to do things myself because some day I will be in my 70s and will want or need to be competent on my own. 

ETA: I don't mean to be argumentative. I've had similar conversations with my husband who wants to help, and be more efficient. It doesn't necessarily fit with my own goals. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by marbel

[Scarlett]

mmm

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[bolt.]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

In this instance a message popped up on my phone that said, ‘share password.’  Should I have just declined that option and let her and another 77 year old friend work together to put in a long series of letters and passwords?  I would have done that for anyone.  

Yes, most people would have jumped in with help with the password -- but in your case, I think you've had enough "feedback" from your mom to discern that it might be good to sit on your hands in situations like that. (It's not what a normal person would do for most of their acquaintances but it might be best for your mom.)

A mindset shift might involve you asking yourself: Why shouldn't they spend their time typing in the letters? It's just time. Nobody is being hurt, and nobody is being mean to you, so it's a fine way for two elderly women to spend a few minutes. They didn't ask for help, and if they want to muddle through and feel proud of themselves afterwards: why not? It's like watching a kindergartener tie their shoes: a pointless waste of time, but also no big deal to just be patient and watch.

[Scarlett]

On 6/11/2023 at 5:30 PM, marbel said:

"Hey mom, if you don't want to have to type the password in, I can share it with you from my phone. Would you like that?"

Maybe the answer would be "no thanks, I'd like to do it myself.'

My husband is a computer engineer and he can do a lot of things way faster than I can. But I prefer to do things myself because some day I will be in my 70s and will want or need to be competent on my own. 

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[bolt.]

You don't need to "win" -- you just need to minimize her opportunities to have an outburst (on one end) and minimize the volume of hard feelings that you have about her outbursts (on the other end). You don't actually need to please her. You just have to have a livable life.

[LaughingCat]

The password one, unless your mom is tech savvy, I would take it as she didn’t even understand you had done something for her - just speaking from my experience 😀

[Indigo Blue]

 

24 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Literally no way to win.

And that’s what makes dealing with a difficult person so difficult. 

[prairiewindmomma]

9 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

And that’s what makes dealing with a difficult person so difficult. 

And this is why I shared the "give grace" message. She is going to be who she is. It's really your choice as to how you react to it. You can choose to let experiences with her frustrate you, or you can just let it all go and choose not to get frustrated. It's like living with a young preschooler during the "me do it" phase.  They want to do things, get frustrated when it doesn't go easily, and kinda lash out at everyone around them.  You don't yell at the preschooler, you help them emotionally re-regulate, and step in if they accept your invitation for help (and respect them when they do not).

Giving grace is doing so to someone who doesn't "deserve" it. It's one thing to treat someone well when they are easy to be around, it's another thing altogether to do it when they are not easy to be around.

I think you should start applying the "becoming emotionally disabled" rules to your mom in your head.  You've been posting here for a couple of years now that she has been starting to slip.  It's so very mild in the beginning it's hard to notice and remember. But I really think that's what this is.

[Scarlett]

On 6/11/2023 at 5:46 PM, LaughingCat said:

The password one, unless your mom is tech savvy, I would take it as she didn’t even understand you had done something for her - just speaking from my experience 😀

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[prairiewindmomma]

Just now, Scarlett said:

She is very tech savvy.  She is the first person I knew who had their own PC…..in like 1996.

and if her working memory is starting to fail, then it's especially frustrating to her

[Melanie32]

I agree with you. Your mom was rude and I would confront her and talk to her about the situation. If she won’t be reasonable, you can just stop helping her in any way without asking first. 
 

She is treating you (and others) very disrespectfully and I would confront her about it. I’m just now starting to really enforce boundaries with my own toxic mother and it’s hard but it’s helping. For years now I have let her rude behavior go because I always said it doesn’t help anything to confront her. I was wrong. It doesn’t feel like it helps in the moment because she is never going to agree with me that she was behaving badly. However when I do stand up to her, she does behave better for a while. It’s so much better. I wish I would have enforced boundaries with her a long time ago. 

[Shoeless]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

And to add another layer to this mess, she often says adult kids and friends of elderly ones should just ‘know’ what needs to be done to help.  There was an elderly man in our congregation….86ish….who was on a ladder cleaning out his gutters…..and we were all counseled about helping our elderly ones.  While overall that is great advice you can’t just go in and take over.  People need to ask for help.  When discussing this with my mom she said,  ‘you KNOW fitters need cleaned!’  
 

So how am I suppose to take that.   That I should be anticipating her needs but then I can’t even load up,some decorating items in her car without making her angry.  
 

Literally no way to win.

If it's a safety issue, like an 86 yo on a ladder, then I'd just step in, do the job, and ignore the snippy comments.  

Router password or other low-stakes things, I let my dad fiddle around until he sorts it out to his own satisfaction.  It absolutely kills me because there is so much dithering around. Everything takes forever, but it's like the 3-year-old that insists they can button their coat all by themself.  You just have to let them do it or else there will be tears and hard feelings later. 

Like, I watched my dad and his wife fiddle around with google maps on 2 phones and their car navigation system, debating the merits of each system.  Then they misspelled the destination name multiple times and had a whole side conversation about which was older: googlemaps database or the airport, until dad decided that the airport simply wasn't in google maps.  (Yes, it is!) Meanwhile, I'm saying, in a kind voice, "Let's just head out. I know how to get to the airport, so I can give directions if needed" because time is ticking away, and he got snippy about me being "controlling". 

*sigh* 

[Indigo Blue]

Scarlett, so do you think she has a sarcastic personality style? And she’s always been this way? 
 

If so, she’s aging and will probably lose filters, and you have been personally hurt by her many times (if I am assessing this correctly). This makes for a complicated dynamic where the history makes it much harder for you to deal with her and not take it personally. It adds a complicated layer to an already tense relationship. Does this sound reasonably close or accurate?

[Scarlett]

32 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Scarlett, so do you think she has a sarcastic personality style? And she’s always been this way? 
 

If so, she’s aging and will probably lose filters, and you have been personally hurt by her many times (if I am assessing this correctly). This makes for a complicated dynamic where the history makes it much harder for you to deal with her and not take it personally. It adds a complicated layer to an already tense relationship. Does this sound reasonably close or accurate?

Yes.Right on sister.

[Scarlett]

On 6/11/2023 at 6:19 PM, Melanie32 said:

I agree with you. Your mom was rude and I would confront her and talk to her about the situation. If she won’t be reasonable, you can just stop helping her in any way without asking first. 
 

She is treating you (and others) very disrespectfully and I would confront her about it. I’m just now starting to really enforce boundaries with my own toxic mother and it’s hard but it’s helping. For years now I have let her rude behavior go because I always said it doesn’t help anything to confront her. I was wrong. It doesn’t feel like it helps in the moment because she is never going to agree with me that she was behaving badly. However when I do stand up to her, she does behave better for a while. It’s so much better. I wish I would have enforced boundaries with her a long time ago. 

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Thanks. I think you might be the only one in this entire thread to agree it needs to be addressed.  My grandmother (mom’s mother) lived to age 93.  I am not sure I can take. 15 ray of this.  

What do YOU think? Do you think confronting her would help or make it worse? Sorry….I’m talking way too much in your thread…

[Scarlett]

On 6/11/2023 at 7:03 PM, Indigo Blue said:

What do YOU think? Do you think confronting her would help or make it worse? Sorry….I’m talking way too much in your thread…

No you aren’t.  
 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[Kassia]

@Scarlett, in any case I'm sorry you were hurt and upset.  

[Annie G]

13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Thanks. I think you might be the only one in this entire thread to agree it needs to be addressed.  My grandmother (mom’s mother) lived to age 93.  I am not sure I can take. 15 ray of this.  

I am a believer in addressing this kind of behavior. It may or may not help, but if you don’t speak up you’ll never know. And by speaking up you can at least know you tried.  Plus the rude person can’t claim you never told them their behavior was rude. 
 

[Annie G]

I So feel you on the ‘all is well’ comment. Sister in law is a royal PITA and when she acted beyond rude to dh, she waited a day or so and then sent him a text saying ‘it’s all good’.  No it’s not! You don’t just get to be hateful and then declare everything is ok without a discussion or apology. 

I hope yours turns out better than ours…after enough ‘it’s all good’ episodes, dh decided to set boundaries and we no longer have a relationship w her. 

[Rosie_0801]

It's unpleasant when communication dialects differ between mothers and daughters. I had the same issue. Even if both of us were being our politest, we still didn't hit the right note for one another. 

Look at this thread. One camp thinks your mother is being fairly reasonable, and the other thinks she's being horrid.

That's why I said there's no use arguing with people of that age. She's not going to remember to speak your dialect, even if she knows how.

[Tiberia]

I think your mom's text shows that she does care a little and has some self-awareness.

Maybe you could say, "Yes, your tone hurt my feelings. I was trying to be helpful and feel like you don't appreciate my help, and you were rude to me in front of family and friends. How can we do better at communicating our needs to each other?" And then you could lay out some ideas together.

Let her speak her piece, but then come in with your boundaries and the potential consequences. Eg. "If you insult me or get cranky, I will withdraw myself from the situation and you will have to find someone else to help you." or "If you talk to me like this (give example), I'm going to let you know that that is not acceptable, and I will (give consequence that you can actually enforce). " I know it won't be easy in person, because she may always want to be the victim or the misunderstood one, but you need to have a plan for your reactions when she can't/won't control her words and attitude.  

Sorry this is so stressful to you. 

[Clarita]

I just have to say I'm so glad my mom said "You are a full grown adult I'm done raising you. You don't need me any more and I don't need you." then moved an ocean away. I always remember in my dealings with my mom that I'm in this relationship because I want to be. I'm a grown woman the moment I don't want to be in this relationship I don't have to just because she is my mother.

This mentality on the surface have made us less close, but almost a decade into this I think our relationship has never been healthier. 

On calling her out that's up to you. Chances are she won't be happy being called out (no one is), chances are she isn't going to change her behavior with a single calling out of bad behavior. For a real change in her treatment of you it will take a change in your relationship with her. Essentially I think she needs to know (really know not just told) that she will lose her relationship with you if she doesn't treat you differently. The outcome of that will either be you no longer have a relationship with her or you two will hash out what that mutual respect actually looks like to the two of you.  

 

[Melissa Louise]

That text is pretty typical of that generation when they attempt to reach out. I'd read it with rolled eyes, understand it wasn't enough for me, and also understand it is an attempt to mend fences.

They don't have the same psychological awareness we do. They didn't grow up knowing about boundaries and self care and all of that. Do you think their parents spent a moment validating their feelings. lol?

I mean, think about our own kids, how they lap us in their psychological mindedness at times.

We to them are the same as our moms to us.

~

I can see the hurt, and the frustration, and the annoyance.

I guess I'm not sure what you want from the thread. Is it a JAWM? Then yeah, mothers are a pain. I'm avoiding mine currently.

Is it that you are right and she is wrong? I mean, unlikely. You're both right in some ways, and both wrong in some ways.

Do you want to know how to call her out? Valid.

Will calling her out work? Who knows! Probably not.

~

Idk. I am always very ambivalent.

On the one hand, I see the hurt and the way that generation of mothers hurt us, sometimes very badly.

On the other hand, I see them as lacking so much.

What to do? It's hard.

 

 

 

[Arcadia]

2 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I think you should start applying the "becoming emotionally disabled" rules to your mom in your head.  You've been posting here for a couple of years now that she has been starting to slip.  It's so very mild in the beginning it's hard to notice and remember. But I really think that's what this is.

My late mom has always been blunt. However, months before she passed she was having mini meltdowns. She was mentally sharp until she passed but that let to her worrying about medical expenses, needing help for everything and unlikely to ever recover. My husband’s late grandma had dementia and was blissfully unaware of stuff in the later years. 
 

In Chinese, there is a saying of “second childhood” when elderly people gets senile and behave like little kids.

[QueenCat]

My only thought on the water bottle is that if someone asked me to carry it, I would assume they meant until I found a trash can to toss it in... I'd never think they intended for me to carry it around for further use. 

[SKL]

I think your mom's text shows that she knows she behaved badly.

And your relative silence shows that you need more than just words from her.

That said, I doubt she's going to make a big change in her behavior.  Human nature isn't like that.  In the future, you can protect yourself somewhat by requiring her buy-in before you invest in helping her.  You might also need to put on your own emotional armor, knowing she's likely to be nasty again.

[KSera]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

In this instance a message popped up on my phone that said, ‘share password.’  

 

15 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

The password one, unless your mom is tech savvy, I would take it as she didn’t even understand you had done something for her - just speaking from my experience 😀

Agreeing with Laughing Cat, even for someone tech savvy. I have multiple times been in that situation and it happens so quickly with the share password that it’s frequently unclear what happened—often I have been in the middle of putting the password in and suddenly I’m just in. I don’t recall it ever giving me a message that someone else has shared the password with me, it just happens. 

[Scarlett]

On 6/12/2023 at 9:25 AM, KSera said:

 

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[lmrich]

It is so frustrating.. I feel your pain and discomfort. 

 

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

 But I told her.  She glanced at me and then at her phone and then said, ‘thank you homeowner!’

My guess is the glance at you is like a kid saying that “I am capable of doing it myself” while the thank you to the homeowner was a delayed courtesy response to the homeowner bringing the router over to show her the password. 

[Indigo Blue]

23 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

My guess is the glance at you is like a kid saying that “I am capable of doing it myself” while the thank you to the homeowner was a delayed courtesy response to the homeowner bringing the router over to show her the password. 

This is exactly what I thought when I first read the original post. I thought, gee, this doesn’t sound so bad. Then, after reading more and realizing the history and the fact that Scarlett was SO upset, it made me think that must have been one of those things where it doesn’t sound bad on paper, but had you been in the room, you would have seen the person was totally being a smarty pants. Things can be taken the wrong way for sure, but putting it all together it makes sense. At least it does to me. 
 

 

[Indigo Blue]

IDK I just feel it’s best to take things as presented because it just seems to be the most productive and is the way I prefer to receive advice here. Just my opinion. 

[Melanie32]

I’m honestly astounded at how many people think it’s no big deal for your mother to talk to you this way! My mom is very toxic but she rarely is openly sarcastic and rude to me like your mom has been. Mine constantly criticizes everything and and everyone, is super manipulative and plays the martyr if she is ever called out on her behavior. But even she would never say that to me. To tell a grown woman to stop talking in front of others is extremely rude and disrespectful. To say it to someone who is helping her husband to load her things is just mind boggling to me. 
 

I know that we have to be more patient with people as they age but I don’t think ignoring this kind of behavior does anyone any favors. 

 

 

[SKL]

My mom hasn't talked to me that way since I was out from under her roof, but I've been told to stop talking by other older women.  One of my kid's riding teachers has done it to me multiple times.  I take it as her setting a boundary.  It's not sweet, but I don't find it hurtful.  (Then again, she's not my mom.)

My mom has her own ways ... she will just cheerfully cuss at me if she feels questioned.  Others seeing that would probably take it differently than I take it. 😛

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, Melanie32 said:

I’m honestly astounded at how many people think it’s no big deal for your mother to talk to you this way! My mom is very toxic but she rarely is openly sarcastic and rude to me like your mom has been. Mine constantly criticizes everything and and everyone, is super manipulative and plays the martyr if she is ever called out on her behavior. But even she would never say that to me. To tell a grown woman to stop talking in front of others is extremely rude and disrespectful. To say it to someone who is helping her husband to load her things is just mind boggling to me. 
 

I know that we have to be more patient with people as they age but I don’t think ignoring this kind of behavior does anyone any favors. 

 

 

Yes. 
 

My mom wouldn’t say that to me. Well, if she is raging, she just gives a verbal onslaught of angry attacks and things to make you feel bad. Otherwise, she is much more covert. Everything happens behind your back. It’s out of character for her to act like Scarlett’s mom, which I think was openly aggressive. 
 

If my mom were unhappy in that exact same situation, she would wait until she was alone with uninvolved people/person, and complain and make you look like a terrible person. 
 

Possibly:

”I was so pissed off. I had arranged for my stuff to be taken home and so and so crammed it into my car instead. My mirror wouldn’t fit. If people would just listen to me. Oh, and so and so was so pissed off at me for wanting grandson to keep his empty water bottle. She was so snarky about it. I’m just done with them.”

This would likely  not be an accurate recount of what really happened and would likely include lies and exaggerations. For example, in my example, see how she spins the part where she yelled at the grandson for throwing away the water bottle and the mom being mad over her mom yelling at a young boy for that? That would be a narcissistic injury to her, and she’d need people to retell her spinned version to, so she could “vindicate” herself. If you were sitting on her couch listening to her version and not having been involved whatsoever, you’d actually end up feeling angry on her behalf. She’s really good at covert. 
 

Scalett’s mom is openly hurtful and she just wants to know how or whether to confront.
 

 

[Melanie32]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yes. 
 

My mom wouldn’t say that to me. Well, if she is raging, she just gives a verbal onslaught of angry attacks and things to make you feel bad. Otherwise, she is much more covert. Everything happens behind your back. It’s out of character for her to act like Scarlett’s mom, which I think was openly aggressive. 
 

If my mom were unhappy in that exact same situation, she would wait until she was alone with uninvolved people/person, and complain and make you look like a terrible person. 
 

Possibly:

”I was so pissed off. I had arranged for my stuff to be taken home and so and so crammed it into my car instead. My mirror wouldn’t fit. If people would just listen to me. Oh, and so and so was so pissed off at me for wanting grandson to keep his empty water bottle. She was so snarky about it. I’m just done with them.”

This would likely  not be an accurate recount of what really happened and would likely include lies and exaggerations. For example, in my example, see how she spins the part where she yelled at the grandson for throwing away the water bottle and the mom being mad over her mom yelling at a young boy for that? That would be a narcissistic injury to her, and she’d need people to retell her spinned version to, so she could “vindicate” herself. If you were sitting on her couch listening to her version and not having been involved whatsoever, you’d actually end up feeling angry on her behalf. She’s really good at covert. 
 

Scalett’s mom is openly hurtful and she just wants to know how or whether to confront.
 

 

That’s exactly how my mom is! 

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, Melanie32 said:

That’s exactly how my mom is! 

That’s why I posted. You nailed a description of my mom, for sure!

[Melanie32]

I have been ignoring my mom’s bad behavior all of my life. I’m a super nonconfrontational person so it’s been very hard for me to stand up to her but my family is so very tired of her comments and behavior. It is just miserable to be around her anymore. 
 

Enforcing boundaries in our relationship has been a game changer. She recently visited for a week. I thought I was going to lose my mind! Toward the end of the week I set her down and had a talk with her. She behaved like an angel for the rest of her stay and has been much better on the phone since then as well. Honestly they are just being bullies and if we let them bully us, they will just keep getting worse. I realized that I need to start speaking up sooner rather than later, and be prepared with some good phrases to confront her usual bad behavior when it rears its ugly head. 
 

I’m done with being treated that way and taking it like I had to do as a child. I’m a middle aged woman FCOL!

 

Edited to add that when I confront her she only argues and tries to shut me down or cries and says what a horrible mother she is. However she does change her behavior for a time and then we have to do it all over again when she gets bad again. 

Edited June 12, 2023 by Melanie32

[Scarlett]

On 6/12/2023 at 10:37 AM, Arcadia said:

 

On 6/12/2023 at 11:09 AM, Indigo Blue said:

 

 

Yes, there is a big picture.

On 6/12/2023 at 11:28 AM, Indigo Blue said:

IDK I just feel it’s best 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

nm

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

18 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

That text is pretty typical of that generation when they attempt to reach out. I'd read it with rolled eyes, understand it wasn't enough for me, and also understand it is an attempt to mend fences.

They don't have the same psychological awareness we do. They didn't grow up knowing about boundaries and self care and all of that. Do you think their parents spent a moment validating their feelings. lol?

I mean, think about our own kids, how they lap us in their psychological mindedness at times.

We to them are the same as our moms to us.

~

I can see the hurt, and the frustration, and the annoyance.

I guess I'm not sure what you want from the thread. Is it a JAWM? Then yeah, mothers are a pain. I'm avoiding mine currently.

Is it that you are right and she is wrong? I mean, unlikely. You're both right in some ways, and both wrong in some ways.

Do you want to know how to call her out? Valid.

Will calling her out work? Who knows! Probably not.

~

Idk. I am always very ambivalent.

On the one hand, I see the hurt and the way that generation of mothers hurt us, sometimes very badly.

On the other hand, I see them as lacking so much.

What to do? It's hard.

 

 

 

Well I don’t know.  It isn’t a JAWM.  I guess I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to commiserate. And you know how these threads just grow off bunny trails. 

[KSera]

41 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

The first time I can really re call her acting off the charts was about 7 years ago.

 

42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Mom says, ‘well, I would prefer you not focus on people being ‘older ones’.  If you really want to do something for me, you could show them how to get to know all people and not have categories like older ones. ‘.  

Between these two pieces of information, coupled with the other stories in this thread, it really does suggest your mom is really struggling with aging, and is (over)reacting in certain situations due to that. Doesn't make rudeness okay, but it could be helpful to you if you know that is a trigger.

[fairfarmhand]

@Scarlett I think people look at the individual instances and go "What's the big deal? Probably a bad day." but then you've seen the whole overall pattern and see the repetition of ugliness. And if your mom was generally a sweet person, you would explain away a single instance in your head and it wouldn't bother you.

Honestly, it sounds like your mom is getting hateful in her old age. You seem to have 2 options. You can tell her, "Mom, you're getting a reputation for being hateful and mean. I've been the recipient of it far too often and I don't like it. It makes me not want to be around you and that's where I'm headed if you can't improve the way that you speak to me and others." 

Or you can accept that your mom is going to be an old grump. And decide how much interaction that you want with her. You are allowed to decide that. 

You will need to grieve the fact that you and your mom's relationship will not look like how you pictured it as she ages. 

[lauraw4321]

One thing I stopped doing was apologizing for my mom. I did it SO MUCH as a teenager / young adult / regular adult and I finally realized that it was crazy. I would commiserate with people when they complained about her behavior, but I didn't apologize because I WASN'T THE ONE BEHAVING RUDELY.

You can and should have boundaries around how you will tolerate being treated by her. But I would likely give up on any notion of changing her. She's rude. She's unnecessarily aggressive. You can extricate from her, set boundaries with her and you can even, if you chose, explain what/why/how of the conflict. But you don't have to. And trying to "fix," "diagnose," "explain," or "enlighten," my mom was always just tilting at windmills. The perfect descriptor (narcissist, mal-adjusted, autism spectrum, whatever) will really never be able to fully capture the dynamics with a difficult parent. So I eventually stopped trying. I found it freeing.