Spin Off-Teens not interested in socializing

[NewIma]

I was homeschooled from 3rd-12th and was very social. I was always making my own plans, talking on the phone to friends, etc. My dd16 has mental health struggles, including severe anxiety, which she is in ongoing treatment for. That, along with covid, has gotten us to a point where she takes almost no initiative to see friends. She has two good friends we see once a week so no arranging is needed. She is busy with Girl Scouts, Youth Group, and dance classes.  She enjoys these activities but makes no effort to build relationships with the kids in her activities outside of the programs.  She seems happy seeing her 2 good friends 1x a week and otherwise hanging out with us.  For a long time I kept trying to organize friend events for her, but I've stopped. Is this within the realm of normal? Should I keep worrying or let it go?

[Rosie_0801]

It is normal to socialise when and in ways you enjoy, yes.

If she's happy, let her be. 

[SHP]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It is normal to socialise when and in ways you enjoy, yes.

This. If she is happy she is fine 

[Momof4sweetkids]

I've always been someone who preferred to have just one or two close friends. That gets a little harder as adults when people are more busy but it's what I would prefer.

[Farrar]

She sounds like an introvert. Once a week with a quality, deep friendship, and every day with family seems totally within normal for an introvert.

I will say... some kids need a lot more than that, which is also normal. And anxiety and circumstances can hold them back. And they may protest that no, they don't need more interaction when actually they do. But it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

[klmama]

It sounds like she's fine with the way things are.  Don't pressure her.  She'll make more plans when she's ready to do so.

[NewIma]

Thank you all. She is happy. I will hold onto that and work on letting my anxieties go.

[Katy]

I’ll be the voice of dissent. I’m not sure you can have a close friendship without seeing & talking more than that. Do they text or chat online constantly? If not the other girls may see her more as acquaintances than friends. That’s a problem I’d think warrants therapy. OTOH, if all the girls are similar introverts and she gets invited to things like birthday parties, it may be fine. 

[TexasProud]

Yeah, I am going to be the voice of dissent as well, though I have no solution for you.

My boys also didn't care to socialize. I tried.  I really did.  I required activities. And they were "happy." 

My oldest whose social anxiety totally went nuts at college has no friends.  He is likeable.  In fact, he just got a merit pay increase that they give to their employees that they really appreciate.  He does IT and since Covid works at home.  He goes to the movies by himself. He comes and stays with us if he gets stir-crazy in his apartment. But when I wasn't there to push him to do SOMETHING with people, he just got more and more isolated.  I guess he is happy. He likes his job.  But yeah, I wish he had at least a few people in his life.  He had a few here when we were homeschooling but when he went to college, it evaporated. 

[Elizabeth86]

I say normal. I was not a social kid, teen or adult. I kinda hate that people always think introverts need to socialize more, but no one is ever telling extroverts to tone it down. Kwim? We just are how we are!

[NewIma]

7 hours ago, Katy said:

I’ll be the voice of dissent. I’m not sure you can have a close friendship without seeing & talking more than that. Do they text or chat online constantly? If not the other girls may see her more as acquaintances than friends. That’s a problem I’d think warrants therapy. OTOH, if all the girls are similar introverts and she gets invited to things like birthday parties, it may be fine. 

I've thought about this too. If the friends were in public school, 1x a week would feel to them like they were acquaintances for sure. These friends are also homeschooled and I know the affection goes both ways. Dd is not a fan of texting,  but they do do some. 

There was some conservative parenting book a while ago that was all about how to keep your kid more bonded to you in their teens than to peers. I never read it but I think it was discussed here. I never wanted that, but somehow I ended up with their ideal scenario.  LOL

DD still needs a lot of scaffolding in most areas of her life-academics, social, etc and I beat myself up that somehow that is my fault and that somehow I created that situation. In my kinder (to myself) moments, I think, this is where my kid is at, and she is just going to need a little more time, and that is ok. 

[MEmama]

5 minutes ago, NewIma said:

I've thought about this too. If the friends were in public school, 1x a week would feel to them like they were acquaintances for sure. These friends are also homeschooled and I know the affection goes both ways. Dd is not a fan of texting,  but they do do some. 

There was some conservative parenting book a while ago that was all about how to keep your kid more bonded to you in their teens than to peers. I never read it but I think it was discussed here. I never wanted that, but somehow I ended up with their ideal scenario.  LOL

DD still needs a lot of scaffolding in most areas of her life-academics, social, etc and I beat myself up that somehow that is my fault and that somehow I created that situation. In my kinder (to myself) moments, I think, this is where my kid is at, and she is just going to need a little more time, and that is ok. 

Yes, as long as she is happy, it really is okay. And it *definitely* isn't your "fault".

That said, I understand your concern. DS rarely wanted to socialize; when we homeschooled he had little in common with other homeschoolers, and later he seemed to get plenty of interaction in class and sports. He is extremely likable and makes friends easily, but didn't seem to have a desire to spend much extra time with them. I worried constantly. Now at university he has made a solid friend group and socializes more than ever, though it is still limited especially when he is depressed. He's since been diagnosed with autism, which looking back explains why he needed less socializing than his peers, and why he still needed (and continues to need) the scaffolding you describe (not saying that's your situation).

I do think there's an enormous range of "normal" social needs, though I admit I wish I'd been able to get DS diagnosed earlier instead of writing it off to introversion. I would have worried a lot less (about everything) had I understood the effects of his autism, ADHD and anxiety, and had the concept of masking on my radar (which made him seem just "happy" enough). Again, I'm not insinuating anything about your situation, just sharing my personal experience with a kid I always suspected was a bit off the range of "normal".

[elegantlion]

Ds would have been very happy with a schedule like that. We are both very introverted. Even in college, he prefered to have fewer friends. A couple of things I noticed over the years. 1. He's happy to spend time alone - as an only child we cultivated the idea of how to entertain yourself. 2. He always gotten along much better with adults than peers his age. He wasn't into sports or pop culture, so didn't want to make small talk about stuff like that. 

Even as an adult, his social circle is small. He's happy.

[SKL]

Maybe ask her if she's indeed happy (if you haven't already done so).  Maybe check in periodically (but not often like nagging) to let her know of opportunities she might be interested in that you'd be willing to drive her to.  But take no for an answer.  🙂

[Clemsondana]

I have one child who is highly social and another who is much like yours.  That kid has a good grasp of what they want to do and whether or not they want to spend time on something.  I know that they have friends who do things without them because they know that kid doesn't want to go to movies, for instance.  But, when they are in an activity or social setting that kid wants to participate in, they all get along great.  But, kid also sees other kids almost every day - sports practice, youth group, Science Olympiad or quiz bowl practice, co-op day - and that seems to be plenty of social time for kid.  I think that my kid is just an introvert who gets along fine with others but only has so much 'people energy' and chooses where to spend it.  Kid will show initiative for doing something that they like.  When their high school ball team needs workers for tournaments, kid works a lot of shifts.  Last summer, shortly after getting a drivers license, kid asked if it was OK for them to try out the open gym basketball on Thursday nights at church.  Kid went all summer but dropped it once school started and they got busy.  I'm sure it will pick back up once school is done.  But, kid is skipping the youth Super Bowl party because it doesn't sound like how kid wants to spend 4 hours.  So...maybe there's a problem, but if your kid is happy then you may just have an introvert who is getting plenty of people time during activities.  

[mlktwins]

55 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

Ds would have been very happy with a schedule like that. We are both very introverted. Even in college, he prefered to have fewer friends. A couple of things I noticed over the years. 1. He's happy to spend time alone - as an only child we cultivated the idea of how to entertain yourself. 2. He always gotten along much better with adults than peers his age. He wasn't into sports or pop culture, so didn't want to make small talk about stuff like that. 

Even as an adult, his social circle is small. He's happy.

My 17.5 year old is similar. I’m not worried. 

[Katy]

If the other girls are similar I’d relax my worries by at least half. I’d keep some because there is plenty of science that social isolation isn’t good. But as long as she knows that and all of them are happy she’s probably ok. 

[kokotg]

Mine have all been like that--one or two close friends they see regularly and otherwise they do fine and enjoy group activities but don't seek a lot of contact with people outside of the actual activity time. Two of them have now gone off to college out of state and have done just fine socially. My oldest and most introverted had a rough first semester but then settled in fine, has close friends at school and made good friends that he's still in touch with during his semester abroad and his summer research job as well. The next kid is in his first year and seems very happy with tons of friends. I was pretty much the same way, FWIW--I had a small circle of friends in high school and one best friend I spent most of my time with. College I had a bigger group of friends, because that's easy to do in college. These days I have a couple of close friends I get together with and talk to regularly but otherwise am happy with seeing friends/acquaintances during planned activity type things or wherever I run into them and spending a lot of time at home with family. 

[alysee]

It seems normal to me but I'm an introvert. I spent my high school and college years hanging out with my two friends outside of school and then I had a core group of friends while I was at school. I participated in yearbook and that was enough socializing for me. 

My husband an extrovert always had friends over and was the life of the party but he's an extrovert. your kid is probably an introvert. It's probably enough for them. 

As for someone with anxiety I hate when people suggest anything more than I am comfortable with so I would just leave it alone. 

[SHP]

6 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I am going to be the voice of dissent as well, though I have no solution for you.

My boys also didn't care to socialize. I tried.  I really did.  I required activities. And they were "happy." 

My oldest whose social anxiety totally went nuts at college has no friends.  He is likeable.  In fact, he just got a merit pay increase that they give to their employees that they really appreciate.  He does IT and since Covid works at home.  He goes to the movies by himself. He comes and stays with us if he gets stir-crazy in his apartment. But when I wasn't there to push him to do SOMETHING with people, he just got more and more isolated.  I guess he is happy. He likes his job.  But yeah, I wish he had at least a few people in his life.  He had a few here when we were homeschooling but when he went to college, it evaporated. 

I wanted to touch on this. Not your son specifically, but so many people struggle to find things when on their own. It is actually a huge learning curve to figure out an interest, find like minded people and joining in and getting to know people. 

I made a point of teaching how to find things and get involved and encouraged teens to learn how to find their things, vs having a set of options to pick from. I think this was the most exhausting part of parenting teens.

[TexasProud]

49 minutes ago, SHP said:

I wanted to touch on this. Not your son specifically, but so many people struggle to find things when on their own. It is actually a huge learning curve to figure out an interest, find like minded people and joining in and getting to know people. 

I made a point of teaching how to find things and get involved and encouraged teens to learn how to find their things, vs having a set of options to pick from. I think this was the most exhausting part of parenting teens.

Yep...though I did try to guide him.  He HAD to do something when he lived with me.  But yeah, as usual...total failure on my part I am sure.  It makes me feel awful every time I think about it...  Each kid has a deficiency in something I should have tried harder to get them to work on.  I should never, ever have been a parent.

[Terabith]

I’m not sure it’s healthy, but I don’t think it’s unusual.  My kids haven’t homeschooled since middle elementary, and they are similar in social activities.  My youngest, in high school, sees acquaintances at school.  The people she considers her closest friends are all a couple years older and have graduated, and they pretty much just get together a few times a year now when they’re all in town.  She plays D&d online with two different groups on the weekends.  One is mostly adults (and includes my husband), and one is some people she used to game with in real life but they’re even older than main friends and one is in the Air Force.  Otherwise, it’s just with family. She seems content, but again, she’s interacting with humans at school.  During the 18 months we shut down from school for covid, though, she didn’t have that or seem to miss it much.  

[SHP]

18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yep...though I did try to guide him.  He HAD to do something when he lived with me.  But yeah, as usual...total failure on my part I am sure.  It makes me feel awful every time I think about it...  Each kid has a deficiency in something I should have tried harder to get them to work on.  I should never, ever have been a parent.

I think you are being too hard on yourself, that is an insanely difficult skill and one that many people lack. 

If a parent claims they did everything right they are probably lying or didn't actually parent.

[73349]

32 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Each kid has a deficiency in something I should have tried harder to get them to work on.

Each human has deficiencies. 🤷‍♀️ They can't all be parenting issues.

 

OP, I would ask two questions.

1. Is the kid satisfied?

2. Does the kid have some idea of how to make changes if s/he eventually wants things to be different?

 

If you've covered those, you've done your part.

[MercyA]

She sounds healthy and happy to me. I would not worry. ❤️

[regentrude]

My DS is very introverted and resisted all my attempts to get him to socialize. Even weekly park day was too much ("I just saw kids last week"). When he was a young teen, I insisted he do *one* thing each week outside the house that involved someone other than just a parent.

I am an extreme extrovert and was worried; dh is an introvert and reassured me ds would be fine. He was right.

He found a sport he loved and made connections there, and that largely fills his social needs. He interacted with his few friends online. Over the years, he branched out a bit. He has a few close friends and a girlfriend, plus training partners and study buddies, gets along well in social situations,  has a knack for teaching ( sport and his academic field) but is still easily "peopled out" and limits casual socializing to his few close friends.

Eta: your dd is involved in several group activities. That may quite possibly fill her need for interaction aside from seeing her good friends weekly. It would have been the case for my kid.

Edited February 6, 2023 by regentrude

[Rosie_0801]

So she's involved with several groups, catches up with her closest mates weekly, has to study, do her share of the housework and maintain family relationships. Where would she find the time to hunt for more people to have to catch up with, how many times a week would be acceptable if once isn't?

Do you extroverts really find that much time in a week? !!

[kokotg]

12 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

So she's involved with several groups, catches up with her closest mates weekly, has to study, do her share of the housework and maintain family relationships. Where would she find the time to hunt for more people to have to catch up with, how many times a week would be acceptable if once isn't?

Do you extroverts really find that much time in a week? !!

right?! I do find myself wondering, reading some of these responses, what an appropriate minimum amount of social time is, if hanging out weekly with close friends and doing group activities several other times is not it. 

[teachermom2834]

I guess I agree if it really is enough for her and she is happy then it is fine. It sounds similar to the amount of time my three oldest kids had and it really wasn’t fine but they really weren’t good at expressing it or doing anything about it. If I asked if it was okay they would say it was but it really wasn’t and I wish I had done things differently. It all worked out in the end but I would do things differently if I had it to do over. 

[Not_a_Number]

I'd lean on the side of talking to her about how she feels. I wouldn't push anything on her, but I'd also be curious how close she feels to her friends and whether she has a hankering for closer relationships or not. 

[mlktwins]

One of my boys prefers to be home just the 4 of us. But he is social in his Spanish class twice a week and swims 6 days a week. His twin is my social butterfly at swim and he includes his brother in all of that. We talk a lot about everything and he is truly happy this way (for now). He is off to college in August so will be interesting to see how he handles all of that.