Not calling children by their given names

[chocolate-chip chooky]

15 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Chop the end off and add an O and you’re done. 
 

Although if you have a one syllable name we might add an end to it. 
 

My DD has a tonne of nicknames, and sometimes people are quite confused as to what her actual name is or how many girls we have

My son has a nickname that is one vowel away from a common name and he gets really upset when he gets called by that instead!

Or keep the first phoneme and then add 'azza'.

Darryl = Dazza

Sharon = Shazza

Mind you, we don't just give people nicknames here. We give just about everything a nickname.

eg Shazza will pop to Macca's in the arvo. It's right by the servo. 

[Indigo Blue]

Thanks everyone for the opinions and perspectives!

[vonfirmath]

On 12/3/2022 at 2:27 PM, Indigo Blue said:

Someone in my family has been calling a toddler in our family by a nickname instead of her given name since birth. The mom and this person rarely see each other, but this person has decided they don’t like the given name and they’ve shortened it and call the child that instead. This person is aware that the mom doesn’t like it when others call the child by the nickname. 
 

This isn’t something I would do, but how benign is this? This person is prone to doing  things like this. 
 

Do you see this in families? Is this just my weird experience? Or is it not so weird? 
 

I tend to think that you should follow the lead of the parents on this, and not call a child by a nickname of their choosing when it’s not their child. ?????

Just pondering this today. 

One grandpa calls one of our kids by a nickname instead of their name.

I have that kid decide what they want to be called. Right now they like that Grandpa has a special name for them. If they ever decide they would rather just use their name, I'll back them up.

It's not worth messing up the relationship between the two of them if it is not bothering my kid.

[BlsdMama]

My mother is so opposed to nicknames that she purposefully named her children unshortenable names so I may be sensitive to the issue at hand, lol. 
 

It is insufferably rude for people to negatively comment or call a child something other than the parents’ (and later child’s) choice. 
 

On a side topic, if anyone would like to join me in prayer that my adorable soon to be grandson is not named Nectarios, I welcome them. But if he is, I will force myself to love it and not call him anything but that, with a smile, so help me. 

Edited December 5, 2022 by BlsdMama

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

My mother is so opposed to nicknames that she purposefully named her children unshortenable names so I may be sensitive to the issue at hand, lol. 
 

It is insufferably rude for people to negatively comment or call a child something other than the parents’ (and later child’s) choice. 
 

On a side topic, if anyone would like to join me in prayer that my adorable soon to be grandson is not named Nectarios, I welcome them. But if he is, I will force myself to love it and not call him anything but that, with a smile, so help me. 

I'm not terribly opposed to nicknames but we intentionally chose names for our kids that couldn't have nicknames easily.  Good friends still made up fun names for them (for example if a kid was Kevin, a friend would call him something like "KevDog") but no formal nicknames that were used regularly.  

I agree that it's rude to call a child by a different name and hope Nectarios isn't on the birth certificate.  🙂  

[Lecka]

Sadly I would be planning on limiting my child’s time with someone behaving in this passive-aggressive way, rather than looking to foster the relationship.

There are many people that I am blessed to have in my kids’ life and I am grateful to foster their relationships.

Then there are people where I limit their time and have just escalated in decreasing the amount of time spent and having a policy that they will never be alone with my children.  
 

One of these people I dearly love and spend time with myself, but she has no filter and she says things I am not going to countenance being said around my kids.  Another one my husband dearly loves but she told one of our kids to lie to us one time, and that was bizarre.  And then I gave her another chance after my kids were older and I thought it would be okay — nope.  So she will not be alone with my kids again unless they choose to as adults.  
 

I need people to respect me as a parent if I am going to trust them.  
 

If I asked someone to stop and the person doesn’t stop, it does show that person doesn’t respect me.  If I don’t “like” it but think it’s not something I want to bring up, I think that is fair enough.  If I don’t bring it up because I already know this person is making a “thing” of it — I’m already not going to see this person much, and maybe even less in the future if they think it’s cute to keep doing stuff like this as the kids get older.  
 

 

[maize]

23 hours ago, busymama7 said:

   I lived this and while I didn't mind the shortened version when I was a kid, when I went to college I chose to go only by my full given name.   Everyone from my forner life adapted easily except my two oldest sisters and it bothers me.  Not like dramatically but I wish they would try harder. They say they "can't" but it just feels like they don't care enough to.  

  

I don't think it is about not caring. Changing a name, especially one you learned as a child, is really, really hard. I think it gets imbedded in the brain as a fundamental piece of vocabulary. Names of siblings are learned young and used constantly, I don't think it is possible to un-do a brain pattern that deeply engrained. Possible to eventually, with great effort, retrain yourself to most of the time use the new name, but for me at least it seems to take major effort even years after the name change.

And the only sibling name preference change I am dealing with is a younger sister who was always called by her full name growing up and now prefers a shortened version! Like, literally as simple as a Jennifer preferring Jen. I do try, and I don't in any way object to the preferred nickname, but when I slip (which happens often!) it has nothing to do with not caring enough. The name I called her growing up is just permanently and indelibly attached to my mental concept of her. 

Edited December 5, 2022 by maize

[busymama7]

12 minutes ago, maize said:

I don't think it is about not caring. Changing a name, especially one you learned as a child, is really, really hard. I think it gets imbedded in the brain as a fundamental piece of vocabulary. Names of siblings are learned young and used constantly, I don't think it is possible to un-do a brain pattern that deeply engrained. Possible to eventually, with great effort, retrain yourself to most of the time use the new name, but for me at least it seems to take major effort even years after the name change.

And the only sibling name preference change I am dealing with is a younger sister who was always called by her full name growing up and now prefers a shortened version! Like, literally as simple as a Jennifer preferring Jen. I do try, and I don't in any way object to the preferred nickname, but when I slip (which happens often!) it has nothing to do with not caring enough. The name I called her growing up is just permanently and idelibly attached to my mental concept of her. 

That's definitely a kinder way to look at it.  I have four sisters and 2 have adapted fine as well as my parents.  The two who haven't (and it's been like 28 years) the relationship is fraught anyways.  But it is the reason I didn't want to brand my kids with a shortened version of their name and I used their given name.   Because it is so hard to unlearn.  But as with your example it could easily go the other way too 🤷‍♀️

[Clarita]

On 12/3/2022 at 12:27 PM, Indigo Blue said:

Someone in my family has been calling a toddler in our family by a nickname instead of her given name since birth. The mom and this person rarely see each other, but this person has decided they don’t like the given name and they’ve shortened it and call the child that instead. This person is aware that the mom doesn’t like it when others call the child by the nickname. 

Pretty rude in my opinion. Even if it's a name like Samuel and it's common to shorten to Sam. It's also a reason Richard was not on my list of names to name my son. Definitely not the same as if their high schooler wants to be called MacTruck at school.

[maize]

1 hour ago, busymama7 said:

 But as with your example it could easily go the other way too 🤷‍♀️

Isn't this the truth?!

My mom's given name is one that is usually a nickname for another name. She didn't like that...so she gave all of us traditional names and did not use nicknames.

My name is one that doesn't easily lend itself to nickname formation and I, as a child, wished I could have a nickname! So when I had kids I gave them traditional names but also carefully thought out nicknames for them (somewhat unusual ones for most of them) so they could each have a full name and a nickname.

Who knows what they will decide they prefer or how they will approach naming their own kids 🤔

[Not_a_Number]

On 12/3/2022 at 9:53 PM, maize said:

I'm of the opinion that individual humans can't control other humans' use of language (or really any part of someone else's behavior) and usually shouldn't try.* While humans functioning as a group may decide that some types of language are offensive or dangerous and apply official or unofficial consequences to attempt to influence their use, most attempts to individually control what words come out of another person's mouth are neither appropriate nor effective.

That's such a wise way to live. It saves so much frustration and heartache. 

[Shoeless]

We have an elderly relative that calls DS14 by his middle name. Both DS and the relative have the same middle name, so I think it's a way to try to connect? The man is quite elderly, so I asked DS14 to please play along. The relative is otherwise lovely and kind, so this is just one of those quirky things about people. 

My family of origin is weird about my name and DS14's name. I've come to the conclusion that it's not a mistake or an accident; they're acting out complicated feelings about me via names.   (Actually, the feelings aren't that complicated. I'm the family scapegoat and this is their way of keeping me at a distance). 

• They frequently misspelled DS14's name. It's not an unusual name. In fact, his first name is the family surname, minus one letter.  Like, if my maiden name was "Peters" and I named DS "Peter"? Yeah, they spell "Peter" wrong.  Yes, I've corrected them, politely, firmly, apologetically, angrily, while smiling, crying, and shouting. They still spell it incorrectly and then yell at me that it's not that big a deal. 
• They spell my married last name wrong. Dad's peeved he didn't get an invite to my 2nd wedding, so he's being passive-aggressive and refusing to spell it correctly, (he didn't get an invite because he was acting out and threatening to sabotage the wedding)
• Dad also refused to accept that I did not change my last name in my first marriage. All mail came addressed to me with my 1st husband's last name. He pitched a fit at the airport because the airline had no record of "Felicity Jones" boarding. That's because "Felicity Peters" boarded.  He yelled at the airline clerk, yelled at my sibling who tried to set him straight, and then yelled at me about it for being difficult and embarrassing him. 

They are b.a.n.a.n.a.s. 🍌

 

Edited December 5, 2022 by MissLemon

[SKL]

10 hours ago, maize said:

I don't think it is about not caring. Changing a name, especially one you learned as a child, is really, really hard. I think it gets imbedded in the brain as a fundamental piece of vocabulary. Names of siblings are learned young and used constantly, I don't think it is possible to un-do a brain pattern that deeply engrained. Possible to eventually, with great effort, retrain yourself to most of the time use the new name, but for me at least it seems to take major effort even years after the name change.

And the only sibling name preference change I am dealing with is a younger sister who was always called by her full name growing up and now prefers a shortened version! Like, literally as simple as a Jennifer preferring Jen. I do try, and I don't in any way object to the preferred nickname, but when I slip (which happens often!) it has nothing to do with not caring enough. The name I called her growing up is just permanently and indelibly attached to my mental concept of her. 

I have this experience too.  My sister who is 2 years my junior has a name XXXXX that is commonly nicknamed as XXXie.  She was XXXie in our family from birth.  At some point as an adult, she decided that was babyish and wanted to drop the ie part, and I understand that, but I still call her XXXie when talking with family.  If I think about it, I will drop the ie, but most of the time I just forget.

My family nickname is both unconventional and childish, but I've never thought about asking family to stop using it.  Others don't use it because why would they?  😛  (Think "Marky" for "Mark").

[Ellie]

We don't use nicknames in my family. Sometimes we use diminutive forms of longer names (e.g., Bob for Robin--why??--Tom for Thomas), but not true nicknames. I am called by a diminutive form of my middle name, which has been a PITA all my adult life, and so I was careful to choose first names for my children which do not have diminutive forms. We rarely said their middle names out loud, although younger dd, who has a popular name such that there might be several where she works, uses her middle and first names interchangeably. Mr. Ellie was called "junior," or by his first initials, when he was a child; that didn't follow him into the Air Force. 🙂

None of which has anything to do with the OP, though. ITA that if the perpetrator knows that the mother doesn't like the nickname and continues to use it, then she's being tacky, at least. I can't imagine anyone doing such a thing. WTH?

[kbutton]

My parents were careful to not give us names that would have childish diminutives to overcome. I don't think they at all mind diminutives, but they wanted to avoid, for example, the -y or -ie forms that kids often drop in adolescence because some people just don't stop. 

The didn't really consider what my name rhymed with, sigh. Nothing positive, lol!

I think there are affectionate slip-ups, and there are passive-aggressive digs. I guess there are also socially clueless people as well (or people who think they are being funny, but the moment passed). PA digs would drive me crazy, and I think those are inappropriate. The clueless would get a firm request to stop it. 

[LucyStoner]

On 12/3/2022 at 6:51 PM, Farrar said:

I've known several parents who gave their children long or unusual names who were super controlling about the kid's name. "It's not Jane! It's MaryElizabethJane. What's wrong with people!" Meanwhile, the kid is off telling friends, "Call me Janie!" and "I like MJ!" It begins to feel like the name is something the parents are way more invested in controlling than the kid, which is honestly awkward. I guess I feel like the parents chafing at every little instance of "Timmy" instead of "Timothy" are being just as odd as the aunt who has decided to call him "Tim Timmeree" every time she sees him.

That’s one of my pet peeves, I will admit.

I won’t share the actual name since it’s uncommon but I know a kid whose mom named him ValueTitleHistoricalFigure and wanted everyone to say the *entire name* *every time*.  Generally, I think it’s good to go with whatever the parent or the child (once they have an opinion) wants ON THE OTHER HAND:

it’s just a tall order/big ask to call a toddler

Valiant Emperor Charles 

(actual name changed, but this is an equivalent name.)

Last I heard, little Valiant was going by something more like “Kevin” but mom was still correcting people to Valiant Emperor Charles.  
 

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by LucyStoner

[SKL]

11 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

That’s one of my pet peeves, I will admit.

I won’t share the actual name since it’s uncommon but I know a kid whose mom named him ValueTitleHistoricalFigure and wanted everyone to say the *entire name* *every time*.  Generally, I think it’s good to go with whatever the parent or the child (once they have an opinion) wants ON THE OTHER HAND:

it’s just a tall order/big ask to call a toddler

Valiant Emperor Charles 

(actual name changed, but this is an equivalent name.)

Last I heard, little Valiant was going by something more like “Kevin” but mom was still correcting people to Valiant Emperor Charles.  
 

 

I hope that kid doesn't end up being bullied.

This post reminds me that my BIL (whom nobody likes) likes to call me "[firstname]-again finnegan."  Just thinking about it makes me wanna kick him in the balls.  😛  OK not really.  But I don't say anything, because I don't want him to know he has the power to annoy me.

Edited December 6, 2022 by SKL

[LMD]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:40 AM, Melissa in Australia said:

Don't move to Australia. Just about everyone has a nickname.  It is usually short and often doesn't have anything to do with the person's real name.

When our neighbours moved beside us 20 years ago we thought they had 8 grown up children. Took us about 4 years to work out there were only 4

Haha so true! I met a colleague of dh's the other day, Barrel. I think his name is David or something. They're all like that. 

Otoh, my dear friend and her husband agonised over naming their daughter. Eventually they both chose a name and hyphenated it. Of course, people naturally dropped the hyphen and only used one name - the husband's choice. My friend was very upset, so they corrected everyone, kindly but consistently, and now she's definitely known as 'baby-girl' - and it suits her perfectly, much better than either name on its own. 

I can see it being both a big deal and nbd depending on context.

[LucyStoner]

I am not without sympathy for people who get called nicknames they don’t like but but there are so many diminutives of my name and people use them often that it just barely registers with me.  And don’t get me started on all the possible spellings. 

 I use Katie at home/work friends, but I get called Kate, Kathy, Kaitlyn, Kat and sometimes Kit or Kay.  I only correct them, once, if it matters.  A lot of the time it just doesn’t matter.  I used to get Kathy A LOT but I don’t get it so much anymore.   Truthfully it used to bother me more but now, it really just doesn’t register. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by LucyStoner

[knitgrl]

I guess for me it is context-dependent. When I was 12, one of my friends' mothers told me she didn't care for my name. She liked Adelaide much better, and then shortened it to Addie. She was the sort of person folks would have described as "a card." I was initially shocked and surprised by her announcement (because who would do that?), but then shrugged it off, and let her call me Addie. And to think my mother thought she had come up with a nickname-free name. Ha!

[LaughingCat]

As someone with an unusual name ( one of 15 girls named it in the US the year I was born according to hellaentertainment.com), I have to say -

For someone I see regularly, as long as it's clear the person is trying to say my name correctly-I have no issue with variants (and numerous people have literally been unable to say it correctly) nor issues with the person struggling to just remember it and mangling it because of that. 

But I have NO sympathy with someone who purposefully says it incorrectly or choses a different name.  And I do have control of my own actions in response to that.  I have many, many times done the very obvious thing of not even realizing they're talking to me.  And I have had to literally say to some people, "I won't answer to that name" when they tried to call me "random name" because my name was "too hard to remember".

All this was way harder when I was a kid -- but thankfully I had various people who stepped up and "corrected" for me -- including my Mom but also including numerous friends & acquaintances who had known me forever.

My name doesn't lend itself to nicknames though.  Can't even imagine what it's like for ones that have so many variants.  However, I'm pretty sure all the "Weasel" and "Barrel" type nicknames are not because someone thinks the person's actual name is "too hard to remember".

[Laura Corin]

4 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

I am not without sympathy for people who get called nicknames they don’t like but but there are so many diminutives of my name and people use them often that it just barely registers with me.  And don’t get me started on all the possible spellings. 

 I use Katie at home/work friends, but I get called Kate, Kathy, Kaitlyn, Kat and times.  I only correct them if it matters.  A lot of the time it just doesn’t matter.  I used to get Kathy A LOT but I don’t get it so much anymore.   Truthfully it used to bother me more but now, it really just doesn’t register. 

I correct people who call me Lauren - my married surname starts with an N, so it's an easy mishearing. One time I didn't correct it - because it was a socially difficult moment - ended up with Husband's boss calling me Lauren for three years, because it became awkward to correct after so long.

I don't mind being given deliberate nicknames. Currently,  as I'm in the middle of organising a family event, my brother is affectionately calling me Spreadsheet Woman.

[Carrie12345]

I don’t have experience with the original scenario, but there’s a popular name out there that’s quite nice, but the typical nickname for it makes me cringe. 2 people I know have it, and it’s hard for me to use it. I do most of the time, but I still don’t like it.

Conversely, my youngest has a cute, babyish nickname that I’ve always anticipated him growing out of. I use his proper name in conversation most of the time now, amd frequently to him, but I also use his nickname as more of a pet name now.   
When starting PT, the therapist respectfully asked him what he goes by, and he told her his nickname. Now that’s all she calls him, and it sounds weird to me coming from someone we don’t have a close relationship with!   
(Not blaming her. Excellent intentions.)

[Clemsondana]

In my family, whether people are particularly close or not, we assume no ill intent and just roll with it.  My mom had a cousin, Mary Ellen, who as an adult switched to Mary.  After correcting people good natured-ly but repeatedly because it was ingrained, she became Just Plain Mary to the extended family who rarely saw her.  She seemed fine with that.  Lots of people have nicknames that are specific to one person - my mom called one of her nieces Miss Priss forever - it had suited kid as a 5 year old and it was a joke as she got older.  I don't know if it's a southern thing or a family quirk, but Lulu, Buddy, and sticking lu or belle on girls names seems to occur frequently.  Nobody's ever cared, as far as I can tell.  One of my kids has a name that can be changed (think Bobby for Robert) and the other has a combo that is often used as an abbreviated double name (like Mary Jo for Mary Josephine).  A couple of relatives use those versions even though we don't.  It's fine and we take it as a sign of affection.  

[Kassia]

Not the same thing but when my younger cousin was born, he was called "Snookums" by the family as an affectionate nickname.  I was only 3 at the time and had a very tough time switching to his real name when everyone stopped calling him Snookums.  People were annoyed when I'd call him the old nickname but I couldn't remember to switch for a long time.

 

Also, my mother lied to her father about my name (he wanted me named after his mother so she told him she did even though she didn't) so that side of the family called me something different (tiny family) until he died and we told them my real name but they had a tough time thinking of me with my real name at that point (I was 15).