Prayers for dh’s family please

[Starr]

I'm sorry that you are back where you started. It's a situation where you don't have control and is too much for this particular aide. And sil is unlikely to turn this over to you. If she doesn't know how to cook I doubt handing her a recipe will help very much. So difficult.

[Jean in Newcastle]

12 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Regarding food, although the elderly may be used to eating simply, they tend to also be very used to eating very specifically prepared stuff, very set in their ways.  It sounds like someone needs to give this aide specific recipes with lots of detailed instructions on how to make them.

That was really sad about the abused filet mignon.   But see, if I was faced with a freezer with filet mignon, I would know what *I* would do with it, but I would not necessarily know what *they* would typically do with it.  And typical is so normalized within each family that it’s shocking to have anything else made that fits some other family’s norms.

Yes, I am an experienced cook (though I wasn't at age 20) and I would be extremely uncomfortable cooking for another family.  I don't know their tastes and likes. 

Also- for even $16 an hour I would expect "cooking" to be on the order of scrambled eggs and toast, spaghetti with a jarred sauce etc.  I would not expect to be cooking from scratch and I would not be offering filet mignon. 

[fairfarmhand]

Well...aide can't cook. 

However, MIL is safe. And that's pretty important too. Really, I think for $16 an hour SIL's expectations are a lot.  A housekeeper/cook, yes, perhaps 16 an hour is fair. A sitter, perhaps 16 an hour is fair. But for the both of them in one person, that's a bit ask.

[kbutton]

I think if someone could pre-prep food for the crockpot or instant pot, it might be okay to ask the aide to do it if all else is stable.

The activities…the aide is not an activity coordinator or occupational therapist.

Someone needs to plan things, prep things, and then let the aide step in. Asking her to think creatively about activities or cooking at that price point is silly.

Just have the day planned out, the food planned out, and save the thinking tasks for what happens if things go mildly sideways (MIL needs and extra change of clothes or hates an activity, etc.).

If they want the aide to do all of those kinds of tasks, then they need to keep each individual task as small and uncomplicated as possible. Otherwise, I think they are asking too much.

Carrying out plans and making plans you have to carry out are different levels of difficulty. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

39 minutes ago, saraha said:

They offered her $12 but she said she wouldn’t do it for less than $16 which sil was very unhappy about but since she was literally the only person who offered to do it, she didn’t have a choice. I have no idea what sil has told the aid what her jobs are. All I know is what fil and friend told me.  Poor thing, I guess she asked fil what to cook and he said whatever. There is a beef out in the freezer( we raise our own) so she went out, grabbed four filet minion and put them in a crockpot with potatoes and carrots and a lot of salt. Like she literally doesn’t cook, shes been a full time working wife now mom since she moved out and got married and they always ate sandwiches or eat out so I’m told, which, no shame, just that she is unprepared for the job she is doing. I think the expectation was that she would come in, take care of mil, cook and run the house from what dh says.

Fil was telling me about her cooking when I went over Thursday with their dinner. They were eating the filet minion, and I was surprised they were already eating. I asked who cooked and he laughed and was telling me the poor girls attempts. I guess no one had any kind of plan so she was just opening the fridge and trying whatever. All she wrote on the grocery list was potatoes and carrots. Sil texted Saturday wanting to know if anyone had done their shopping (none of us have ever done their shopping before so not sure why we’d get a wild hair and just do it) so she picked up some groceries while she was doing her own shopping. It’s an unorganized mess. I am home quite a bit and could absolutely help get things organized etc but dh is like nope.

as a side note, while fil was telling me about her cooking, I turned to mil and said, you know, when I first married dh, I didn’t know how to cook either, and you helped me. Maybe you could help her and give her a little guidance? She shook her said I’m not helping anyone 😆

Your dh is wise in saying not to get involved. 

Having FIL get takeout is not a bad plan.  Sure, it might be more expensive that way and less nutritious but a lot of seniors take care of food needs this way.

Perhaps I'm grossly misunderstanding something but I don't understand why you would be asking your MIL with dementia, who can't take care of her own needs, to give cooking lessons?! 

[saraha]

Just now, Jean in Newcastle said:

Your dh is wise in saying not to get involved. 

Having FIL get takeout is not a bad plan.  Sure, it might be more expensive that way and less nutritious but a lot of seniors take care of food needs this way.

Perhaps I'm grossly misunderstanding something but I don't understand why you would be asking your MIL with dementia, who can't take care of her own needs, to give cooking lessons?! 

I wasn’t seriously suggesting it. I was trying to involve her in the conversation as she doesn’t really talk unless spoken to directly. Up until few months ago she would still make things like instant pudding or stirring oatmeal. It was more just a way to bring her into the conversation instead of just listening to us talk. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I’m trying to think what I would have done at age 20 in this job.  I think that more than anything I would have been embarrassed.  Embarrassed not to be all that busy, embarrassed not to know what to do, embarrassed to talk down to someone old enough to be my grandmother.  Embarrassed that everyone seems to know what I should do except for me, so I must be pretty dumb if it’s that obvious but I don’t see it.  And that embarrassment would have driven me to either creativity or out of the job, eventually.  

As a much older person, I would not be embarrassed by any of that.  But at 20 that would have been dominant.

I think that if I were alone most of the time I would look for cookbooks and a Bible and maybe picture books.  I’d read the cookbooks when MIL was sitting quietly, and I’d read the Bible and picture books aloud to her intermittently.  But I would feel very self-conscious to do any of those things in front of FIL.  It would just be awkward.

It’s a tough spot.  I hope she finds her way.

 

Edited January 25, 2023 by Carol in Cal.

[saraha]

20 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Yes, I am an experienced cook (though I wasn't at age 20) and I would be extremely uncomfortable cooking for another family.  I don't know their tastes and likes. 

Also- for even $16 an hour I would expect "cooking" to be on the order of scrambled eggs and toast, spaghetti with a jarred sauce etc.  I would not expect to be cooking from scratch and I would not be offering filet mignon. 

 

19 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Well...aide can't cook. 

However, MIL is safe. And that's pretty important too. Really, I think for $16 an hour SIL's expectations are a lot.  A housekeeper/cook, yes, perhaps 16 an hour is fair. A sitter, perhaps 16 an hour is fair. But for the both of them in one person, that's a bit ask.

 

12 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I think if someone could pre-prep food for the crockpot or instant pot, it might be okay to ask the aide to do it if all else is stable.

The activities…the aide is not an activity coordinator or occupational therapist.

Someone needs to plan things, prep things, and then let the aide step in. Asking her to think creatively about activities or cooking at that price point is silly.

Just have the day planned out, the food planned out, and save the thinking tasks for what happens if things go mildly sideways (MIL needs and extra change of clothes or hates an activity, etc.).

If they want the aide to do all of those kinds of tasks, then they need to keep each individual task as small and uncomplicated as possible. Otherwise, I think they are asking too much.

Carrying out plans and making plans you have to carry out are different levels of difficulty. 

I whole heartedly agree with all of this. When my snowbird is in town, I plan, shop and cook plus run the house for $20 an hour with absolutely no personal care involved

[Carol in Cal.]

8 minutes ago, saraha said:

I wasn’t seriously suggesting it. I was trying to involve her in the conversation as she doesn’t really talk unless spoken to directly. Up until few months ago she would still make things like instant pudding or stirring oatmeal. It was more just a way to bring her into the conversation instead of just listening to us talk. 

Well, sure, and it’s reasonable to think that someone might recall familiar recipes through muscle memory or some other route, even with dementia.  That’s not uncommon, and it’s actually sometimes fairly dangerous in that they attempt to cook but crazily.  

[saraha]

3 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I’m trying to think what I would have done at age 20 in this job.  I think that more than anything I would have been embarrassed.  Embarrassed not to be all that busy, embarrassed not to know what to do, embarrassed to talk down to someone old enough to be my grandmother.  Embarrassed that everyone seems to know what I should do except for me, so I must be pretty dumb if it’s that obvious but I don’t see it.  And that embarrassment would have driven me to either creativity or out of the job, eventually.  

As a much older person, I would not be embarrassed by any of that.  But at 20 that would have been dominant.

I think that if I were alone most of the time I would look for cookbooks and a Bible and maybe picture books.  I’d read the cookbooks when MIL was sitting quietly, and I’d read the Bible and picture books aloud to her intermittently.  But I would feel very self-conscious to do any of those things in front of FIL.  It would just be awkward.

It’s a tough spot.  I hope she finds her way.

 

I tried this appeal to dh when we were discussing it, I remember being 20 and especially would feel weird if fil was just watching me be silly or fun or sing or be confused or struggle. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Are Meals on Wheels an option in your area? My grandmother lives so rurally that they don’t deliver but someone can pick up a weeks’ worth in town.  That might be good for both in laws at least to have on hand.

I did a similar job occasionally in my early 20s for an elderly lady with advancing dementia who needed 24/7 supervision. But I helped her take her meds, heated up already prepared food(it might have been Meals on Wheels or it maybe was a frozen tray from the local senior center), and helped her to the bathroom.  Other than that, she was at a point in the dementia where she didn’t talk much or have much interest in activities, so she watched TV.  It was private pay, but even in 2005 I was making $15 an hour just for that little work.

[fraidycat]

I feel for that poor young girl. She has been thrown into a job, with expectations, but no training on how to meet those expectations and no "tools of the trade" provided. 
 

Low paying jobs are basically follow the checklist jobs. If she is expected to define her own work and be creative in activities, etc. she is not getting paid nearly enough.

 

Edited January 25, 2023 by fraidycat

[saraha]

43 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

Are Meals on Wheels an option in your area? My grandmother lives so rurally that they don’t deliver but someone can pick up a weeks’ worth in town.  That might be good for both in laws at least to have on hand.

I did a similar job occasionally in my early 20s for an elderly lady with advancing dementia who needed 24/7 supervision. But I helped her take her meds, heated up already prepared food(it might have been Meals on Wheels or it maybe was a frozen tray from the local senior center), and helped her to the bathroom.  Other than that, she was at a point in the dementia where she didn’t talk much or have much interest in activities, so she watched TV.  It was private pay, but even in 2005 I was making $15 an hour just for that little work.

I’m not sure if they deliver out here but our county has it. They aren’t interested. I wonder if sil feels like since they are paying so much more than she wanted to, they expect her to do more.

She didn’t come again today, so nephew is over there. I texted him and asked if the three of them had enough for lunch and dinner and he said he thought so. I told him to give me a shout if they need supper. He’s 25, but doesn’t know how to cook either.

 

Edited January 25, 2023 by saraha

[Spryte]

I’ve said before that I think they are asking too much of one caregiver, and underpaying to boot, so rather than beat that dead horse …

Have you checked care.com? In my area they have options for senior care. Maybe you can get an idea of the going rate for caregivers in your area and a realistic look at what caregivers there will do.

It may be that SIL needs to find separate options for caregiving and cooking. Our caregivers only ever heated food we had prepared, or did very minimal meals (eggs, sandwich, heated soup), and never, never did this without a written note. “Please heat the soup in the red container today, and use the bagged salad. Please have some, too! If you all need snacks, please help yourself to X,Y, and Z from the pantry.”  But if your SIL is looking for home cooked meals, daily, I’m sure she can find someone to cook at their home and drop it off. What about signing up on that lasagna site? Lasagna Love, or something? And Meals on Wheels, even if they pay a small fee, would cover a meal a day. They are church people, so what about a meal train type thing?

Edited January 25, 2023 by Spryte

[Harriet Vane]

5 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I’ve said before that I think they are asking too much of one caregiver, and underpaying to boot, so rather than beat that dead horse …

Have you checked care.com? In my area they have options for senior care. Maybe you can get an idea of the going rate for caregivers in your area and a realistic look at what caregivers there will do.

It may be that SIL needs to find separate options for caregiving and cooking. Our caregivers only ever heated food we had prepared, or did very minimal meals (eggs, sandwich, heated soup), and never, never did this without a written note. “Please heat the soup in the red container today, and use the bagged salad. Please have some, too! If you all need snacks, please help yourself to X,Y, and Z from the pantry.”  But if your SIL is looking for home cooked meals, daily, I’m sure she can find someone to cook at their home and drop it off. What about signing up on that lasagna site? Lasagna Love, or something? And Meals on Wheels, even if they pay a small fee, would cover a meal a day. They are church people, so what about a meal train type thing?

All good points.

My MIL and FIL lived on Seattle Sutton meals for years. Honestly, those were waaaaaaay better than what FIL was cobbling together from the grocery store. 

I also realized as I was thinking about the aids we had when FIL lived with us--not only were they paid considerably more per hour (more than double what your aid makes), but they also spent a good deal of time doing their own thing. Usually they would do some basic household tasks for FIL--change his bed sheets or tidy up his room--and they might help tidy up my kitchen (doing dishes, wiping counters). We had a couple aids who were nursing students, so after the chores were done they almost always studied. FIL would rotate between napping, watching the fish tank, and watching football. The aids prepped his food as the others have described (heating in the microwave, that sort of thing) and kept him company while he ate. They handled all toileting, thank God, and they dressed him in the morning or got him into pajamas at night. 

One aid we adored did actually sit and do activities with him. She was a gem. She read him Reader's Digest articles or did simple sorting kinds of things. She was hired privately full time by another family after only a few weeks and we were so sad to lose her. 

[saraha]

20 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I’ve said before that I think they are asking too much of one caregiver, and underpaying to boot, so rather than beat that dead horse …

Have you checked care.com? In my area they have options for senior care. Maybe you can get an idea of the going rate for caregivers in your area and a realistic look at what caregivers there will do.

It may be that SIL needs to find separate options for caregiving and cooking. Our caregivers only ever heated food we had prepared, or did very minimal meals (eggs, sandwich, heated soup), and never, never did this without a written note. “Please heat the soup in the red container today, and use the bagged salad. Please have some, too! If you all need snacks, please help yourself to X,Y, and Z from the pantry.”  But if your SIL is looking for home cooked meals, daily, I’m sure she can find someone to cook at their home and drop it off. What about signing up on that lasagna site? Lasagna Love, or something? And Meals on Wheels, even if they pay a small fee, would cover a meal a day. They are church people, so what about a meal train type thing?

I made a care.com account last summer, no one interested in looking at it.

I used to do the bulk of their dinners and would still, but no one asked me to continue. Sil told dh they are payong aide what she asked for so she can take care of it. 🤷🏼‍♀️Dh said to stay out of it until someone asks. I did text my friend after thinking about last nights conversation about it with dh, and said that I had been thinking about how I could help and that since old people like their food the way they are used to it, she can give the aide my number and I would be happy to come up and show her recipes were or how they liked certain things. 
This way I feel like I’m being helpful if someone wants it, but also sticking by dh’s one and only boundary 😆

[saraha]

I just sent dh a text saying that if he does talk to sil and they decide together it would be helpful to have me make schedules, menu plans, activity options or whatever organizational stuff, I am willing to do that. I didn’t offer to go back to cooking all the meals but I did pass on that after crowd sourcing the well trained forum, sil is expecting too much and under paying. Expecting her to plan and cook all meals was too much, but asking her to serve premade meals, leftovers or frozen dinners is appropriate. Then I said I would drop it until someone asked me to do something. So now I’m trying to go all Elsa and let it gooooooooo

[saraha]

I need to hide dh's phone or something. (Not really, that would really tick him off, but yeah) I guess while I was making lunch sil texted him and his brother asking for a conference call. Dh didn't say anything to me and I thought he went upstairs to lay in the bed instead of the couch for a while. (He is 2 days post eye surgery on his good eye and is finding it difficult because for right now he is basically blind.)

Anyway, he comes down to eat and tells me that Sil is upset because fil didn't do their grocery shopping while aid was there during the week and decided yesterday evening to take mil and go to Walmart! She hasn't been out of the house except to church since her hip surgery and at church has to walk maybe 15 feet to the building and then another 20 feet to her seat. So she hasn't walked any kind of distance since the surgery. So I am sure you can guess what happened. She collapsed. Walmart called the squad and other shoppers helped her get to the front of the store. He then leaves her on a bench to get in line and pay for their groceries. The squad comes. The paramedics ask fil if he wants her to go to the hospital and he says "ITS UP TO HER." Yup, he left the decision of whether to go to the hospital or not up to HER. So of course she says no. So they come home and go about their evening. Sil finds all this out this morning at CHURCH. I guess she lost her temper and yelled at him and had him near tears.

I asked dh what she wanted a conference on, he said she didn't. She just wanted to only have to tell the story one time. Dh usually does the chores on Sundays, but obviously cant so I guess his brother and nephew were taking care of it. Dh's response was well, he's just going to keep doing those things as long as she is living there. His own neurological decline is showing. His sister also said that she has been sleeping a lot and doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning. Everyone thinks the clots are probably back since fil refused to put her back on the blood thinners.

So dh is dealing with his possible blindness, he and I are stressed to the max, and his family are acting up. I just need a break.

Edited February 5, 2023 by saraha

[saraha]

So it just dawned on me to ask dh how he read the text!!! He said he put it up right next to his bad eye and could read it 🙄he just said he’s getting ready to take a nap so maybe I’ll go and steal it. I keep hearing it buzz so I know they are still texting.

[prairiewindmomma]

A few thoughts:

1. In your shoes, I wouldn’t try to manage Dh. He can choose to engage or not.

2. There are all kinds of tech adaptations for the blind. Dd became blind and others in our house have vision issues. Ask him if he wants to turn on text to speech in the accessibility settings. Likewise, he can use the Speechify app to access his email. 
 

3. Dh’s family are not likely to change. 

 

[kbutton]

30 minutes ago, saraha said:

I asked dh what she wanted a conference on, he said she didn't. She just wanted to only have to tell the story one time.

I don't blame her for that part, but sheesh, it's not like you guys don't have enough going on.

31 minutes ago, saraha said:

His sister also said that she has been sleeping a lot and doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning. Everyone thinks the clots are probably back since fil refused to put her back on the blood thinners.

That's not good.

I hope that your SIL realizes that your FIL is not up to this and finally does something about it.

In the meantime, stay the course! 

Does your DH have a lot of restrictions while recovering?

[saraha]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

I don't blame her for that part, but sheesh, it's not like you guys don't have enough going on.

That's not good.

I hope that your SIL realizes that your FIL is not up to this and finally does something about it.

In the meantime, stay the course! 

Does your DH have a lot of restrictions while recovering?

Yes, but not as bad as last time where he had to be facedown for three weeks.

[kbutton]

Just now, saraha said:

Yes, but not as bad as last time where he had to be facedown for three weeks.

Oh, that would be terrible to do twice! I'm glad it's more flexible this time.

[saraha]

17 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

A few thoughts:

1. In your shoes, I wouldn’t try to manage Dh. He can choose to engage or not.

2. There are all kinds of tech adaptations for the blind. Dd became blind and others in our house have vision issues. Ask him if he wants to turn on text to speech in the accessibility settings. Likewise, he can use the Speechify app to access his email. 
 

3. Dh’s family are not likely to change. 

 

Do you have any specific recommendations for me to look at? I didn’t know this til earlier but I guess he can read out of his bad eye if he holds his phone right up to his face. Otherwise it’s sort of big shapes kind of things he can see. He keeps crashing into things when he tries to walk around. Hoping for a better outcome for other eye, but I’m a researcher and if that is not what happens I want to already have some ideas 

ETA: oh my gosh I’m so sorry about your daughter. She must be amazing. Sorry I came across rude, I am not firing on all cylinders today.

Edited February 5, 2023 by saraha

[fairfarmhand]

Check out Jennifer Rothschild. She’s a Bible teacher who has been totally blind since the age of 15. She’s an amazing woman and so inspirational.

[prairiewindmomma]

When ^dd^ lost her vision, (she has since passed) it happened suddenly. She became low vision first—much as you describe dh’s bad eye. We had an occupational therapist come out to the house to do an evaluation and help us adapt. 
 

As far as navigation goes: We put bright yellow traction tape on the step edges to help with navigation. Eventually we removed that because it was no longer necessary. We removed a lot of furniture to create clear navigation paths. No more leaving a backpack or jacket on the floor, especially in entryways. Everything became very fixed place. Things in our house are always returned to the same place every time because there is no scanning to look for it, iykwim. If we are all in the kitchen and people are moving around, I will often say things like, “Hot behind you” if I am taking stuff out of the oven. We sound like a commercial kitchen 😏 but with knives and other stuff in the chaos, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And, it feels natural at this point.

We have fixed seating at the table. For dd, we got a bright placemat. When she was low vision and not fully blind, her plate and silverware and cup looked like shadows on the placemat, so they were easier to find. I never tried to hand her something, I put it on the table. (You lose depth perception when you are low vision.)

A lot of stuff becomes muscle memory when you don’t use vision. Your hearing also picks up. My kids all have different step patterns even though three of mine are all within a couple of inches and pounds of each other. We still generally say something when we come into a room or leave it, though, like “hey” or “I am heading upstairs” so it’s easier to keep track of who is in range in part of the house. 

Given dh’s vision prognosis, I would start adapting life now. It’s easier to do so while there is some remaining vision. I would also give a hard look at the disability policies and finances. Rip the bandaid and deal with it while you have a cushion of time. 
 

Fwiw, Dh does the phone to the eyeball part of the time, and text to speech a lot. He uses huge monitors to bump font size quite a bit. 
 

I’d look at Speechify and the KNFB reader. https://nfb.org/programs-services/knfb-reader

Edited February 5, 2023 by prairiewindmomma

[Grace Hopper]

40 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

A few thoughts:

1. In your shoes, I wouldn’t try to manage Dh. He can choose to engage or not.

2. There are all kinds of tech adaptations for the blind. Dd became blind and others in our house have vision issues. Ask him if he wants to turn on text to speech in the accessibility settings. Likewise, he can use the Speechify app to access his email. 
 

3. Dh’s family are not likely to change. 

 

I agree with all of this EXCEPT that dh is very recently post-op and really should have a period of time when his people (all his people) respect his need to recuperate stress-free. So in saraha’s shoes I would also be thinking of putting his phone away through the rest of today. Not like there’s anything he can do (plus I don’t trust sil to be beyond asking for him to do something despite his eye status).
 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I see where you are coming from, but respecting people’s agency, especially when they are losing abilities, is super important. He’s not a child. He needs to be empowered to manage his own life, whether he can see or not. 
 

It’d be like taking a phone away from a woman who just had a c-section and is in recovery. Does her body need rest? Would she better off in a calm and supportive environment? Of course, to both of those. But we would never suggest taking away a woman’s phone.

[saraha]

I get about respecting his agency, and I am trying to do that. But at the same time, he is really stressed out and worried and I don’t want them to add on. 

[Storygirl]

Google "sight centers" or "services for visually impaired" and other phrases like that, and include your state's name. If I remember right, you live in the same state that I do, and there are centers that offer adaptive training for people with low vision or blindness in various parts of the state. The state department of vocational rehabilitation also has services for people with low vision and can provide things like tech needed for employment.

Even if he retains his full eyesight after his recovery, it's not bad to look into these kind of resources, especially if it's possible for the problems to recur or worsen.

[Bambam]

To me, FIL saying to the EMS folks to ask MIL about whether she wanted to go to the hospital - that means he is struggling with decisions and that, to me, is a cry from him for more help in making good decisions for MIL's care. It may be that he is just exhausted and simply cannot make any more decisions, or it may be that he realizes he needs help but is unable to ask for it. 

I know you can't do anything about it. But maybe the children can think about that and talk to FIL about if this is so. It is possible he needs specific suggestions. Dad, we are going to do all the grocery shopping now. Here is a blank sheet of paper on the refrigerator, write anything down that you want (or make it a checklist of things they normally buy?). Dad, this is the weekly schedule of meals coming - Monday lunch - XYZ, Monday supper - ABC, Tuesday lunch - ABC leftovers, etc. 

And if no one wants to listen, there isn't much you can do about that. I might be tempted to contact SIL and remind her that your DH is recovering from surgery, and low stress is what he needs to recover NOW. 

 

[saraha]

28 minutes ago, Bambam said:

To me, FIL saying to the EMS folks to ask MIL about whether she wanted to go to the hospital - that means he is struggling with decisions and that, to me, is a cry from him for more help in making good decisions for MIL's care. It may be that he is just exhausted and simply cannot make any more decisions, or it may be that he realizes he needs help but is unable to ask for it. 

I know you can't do anything about it. But maybe the children can think about that and talk to FIL about if this is so. It is possible he needs specific suggestions. Dad, we are going to do all the grocery shopping now. Here is a blank sheet of paper on the refrigerator, write anything down that you want (or make it a checklist of things they normally buy?). Dad, this is the weekly schedule of meals coming - Monday lunch - XYZ, Monday supper - ABC, Tuesday lunch - ABC leftovers, etc. 

And if no one wants to listen, there isn't much you can do about that. I might be tempted to contact SIL and remind her that your DH is recovering from surgery, and low stress is what he needs to recover NOW. 

 

I thought about sending her a text, but dh would not like that.

He keeps his phone on silent, so after he drifted off, I took it into the kitchen to charge it. Hopefully out of ear shot out of mind 

I think fil does not realize how bad off mil is. I think he’s either in denial, or incapable of understanding. She walks, she talks (if spoken too first) she answers yes or no questions, she tells him she loves him, so in his mind everything is fine. This is also the same man that swears that when they had covid last January it wasn’t too bad. He and dh’s brother got into a huge argument about it because fil swears I didn’t move in with them for two weeks. When I did and even helped him to the bathroom he was so weak. So his mental capacity is also diminished and he is making bad decisions when it comes to her health care.

Edited February 5, 2023 by saraha

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I see where you are coming from, but respecting people’s agency, especially when they are losing abilities, is super important. He’s not a child. He needs to be empowered to manage his own life, whether he can see or not. 
 

It’d be like taking a phone away from a woman who just had a c-section and is in recovery. Does her body need rest? Would she better off in a calm and supportive environment? Of course, to both of those. But we would never suggest taking away a woman’s phone.

I get what you are saying. I might want my phone after a C-section. But if I had eye surgery, looking at small writing on a blue light screen seems… not conducive to healing? I get what you are saying about agency, though, and using other (ie, audio, audio communication) features of a smartphone would probably be comforting. 
 

But yeah, everyone involved here is a full grown adult, so…. 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

He keeps his phone on silent, so after he drifted off, I took it into the kitchen to charge it. Hopefully out of ear shot out of mind 

I think taking a phone during a nap is a kindness unless he's specifically stated that sort of thing bothers him. 

[TechWife]

4 hours ago, saraha said:

I get about respecting his agency, and I am trying to do that. But at the same time, he is really stressed out and worried and I don’t want them to add on. 

Can you say something like this to him:

“I’m worried about your stress level. Can I take care of your phone for a while? I’ll watch and if any emergencies happen I’ll let you know, but otherwise can we leave the rest and catch up on it in the morning?”

He can send a text to them to let them know that since he’s recovering from surgery he’s only able to respond to emergencies right now. 

I heard about this app just this weekend and it sounds very useful. I wish we had access to it when my parents were elderly. It might be of benefit to your family & take some stress off your SIL, too. Maybe if your dh puts it out there like that, she might respond. It’s a caregiver support coordination app created by someone after they cared for an ill family member who passed away. It’s called ianacare. iana= I am not alone 

Edited February 6, 2023 by TechWife
Snout not snout - it did it again! About - there!

[Forget-Me-Not]

I wondered if SIL would pop up while your DH was recovering. She really is beyond the pale bothering him with this. 

[saraha]

1 hour ago, TechWife said:

Can you say something like this to him:

“I’m worried snout your stress level. Can I take care of your phone for a while? I’ll watch and if any emergencies happen I’ll let you know, but otherwise can we leave the rest and catch up on it in the morning?”

He can send a text to them to let them know that since he’s recovering from surgery he’s only able to respond to emergencies right now. 

I heard about this app just this weekend and it sounds very useful. I wish we had access to it when my parents were elderly. It might be of benefit to your family & take some stress off your SIL, too. Maybe if your dh puts it out there like that, she might respond. It’s a caregiver support coordination app created by someone after they cared for an ill family member who passed away. It’s called ianacare. iana= I am not alone 

I went and looked at the iana care, that looks so cool! Dh shot it down immediately saying he doesn’t think anyone would use it. 🫤 I told him that’s fine, the kids and I will use it for you.

Edited February 6, 2023 by saraha

[City Mouse]

Another resource for your husband is your state Commission for the Blind, division for Blind services, or vocational rehabilitation. It has different names in different states. This agency can provide all kinds of training and resources for individuals with visual impairments- technology training, specialized equipment, orientation & mobility training. 
Hopefully his surgery will be successful and such services will not be needed. 

[TechWife]

If your dh is a veteran, the VA did a good job with occupational therapy for my dad when he lost his vision. They also provided hearing aides for him too, BTW. He applied to have a driver take him to his VA appointments but they denied it saying he didn’t meet the criteria. It was wild, but since there were already enough family members around to help, no one pushed it. There are other BA benefits , like aid & attendance. Let me know and I’ll send the links to you after I dig them back up. 

[saraha]

9 hours ago, TechWife said:

If your dh is a veteran, the VA did a good job with occupational therapy for my dad when he lost his vision. They also provided hearing aides for him too, BTW. He applied to have a driver take him to his VA appointments but they denied it saying he didn’t meet the criteria. It was wild, but since there were already enough family members around to help, no one pushed it. There are other BA benefits , like aid & attendance. Let me know and I’ll send the links to you after I dig them back up. 

Thank you, but he’s not a vet

[cjzimmer1]

@saraha I've been thinking of your family all week and was wondering how is your DH doing? (Apologies if I missed an update somewhere).

[saraha]

54 minutes ago, cjzimmer1 said:

@saraha I've been thinking of your family all week and was wondering how is your DH doing? (Apologies if I missed an update somewhere).

Thanks. We just made another trip back up to the doctor yesterday. He’s having a lot of pain. They did all kinds of tests and an ultrasound but couldn’t find the source of the pain so he’s just trying to deal with it as best he can. His spirits are pretty low as his job and the farm need a man with at least one good eye, but that is looking less and less likely as time goes on. So lots of thinking about life style changes as he’s only 48. I know there are so many that have things worse than we do, but it’s still hard.

Thanks for thinking of us.

PS: if anyone is missing sil stories, yesterday while we were at the doctor, sil texted saying fil wants two new recliners but dh needs to make sure he gets one mil can get in and out of easily. Preferably in tan or brown. Fil stopped by yesterday morning to see if we needed hog feed, but didn’t mention going shopping. 🙄 dh can’t even see from one side of the room to the other, he’s not about to take anyone furniture shopping. She’s so daggone bossy

 

Edited February 11, 2023 by saraha

[cjzimmer1]

21 minutes ago, saraha said:

Thanks. We just made another trip back up to the doctor yesterday. He’s having a lot of pain. They did all kinds of tests and an ultrasound but couldn’t find the source of the pain so he’s just trying to deal with it as best he can. His spirits are pretty low as his job and the farm need a man with at least one good eye, but that is looking less and less likely as time goes on. So lots of thinking about life style changes as he’s only 48. I know there are so many that have things worse than we do, but it’s still hard.

Thanks for thinking of us.

PS: if anyone is missing sil stories, yesterday while we were at the doctor, sil texted saying fil wants two new recliners but dh needs to make sure he gets one mil can get in and out of easily. Preferably in tan or brown. Fil stopped by yesterday morning to see if we needed hog feed, but didn’t mention going shopping. 🙄 dh can’t even see from one side of the room to the other, he’s not about to take anyone furniture shopping. She’s so daggone bossy

 

I'm so sorry things aren't going well.  No matter what someone else is going through, what you and your DH are going through is very difficult so please don't diminish that in light of someone else's troubles.  I'm sure the realization that life will never be the same is very hard on your DH.  WiIl keep praying for your family to find peace in where ever life's journey takes you. 

[QueenCat]

46 minutes ago, saraha said:

Thanks. We just made another trip back up to the doctor yesterday. He’s having a lot of pain. They did all kinds of tests and an ultrasound but couldn’t find the source of the pain so he’s just trying to deal with it as best he can. His spirits are pretty low as his job and the farm need a man with at least one good eye, but that is looking less and less likely as time goes on. So lots of thinking about life style changes as he’s only 48. I know there are so many that have things worse than we do, but it’s still hard.

Thanks for thinking of us.

PS: if anyone is missing sil stories, yesterday while we were at the doctor, sil texted saying fil wants two new recliners but dh needs to make sure he gets one mil can get in and out of easily. Preferably in tan or brown. Fil stopped by yesterday morning to see if we needed hog feed, but didn’t mention going shopping. 🙄 dh can’t even see from one side of the room to the other, he’s not about to take anyone furniture shopping. She’s so daggone bossy

 

Please, please don't compare what  you are going through to others. It's "your" hard and it's okay to feel any way that you need to! As for sil, she needs to be told that the furniture shopping is not happening and to not ask for any kind of help until YOU tell her that it's possible. And if you need me to do it for you, I'd be glad to. 

[saraha]

17 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

Please, please don't compare what  you are going through to others. It's "your" hard and it's okay to feel any way that you need to! As for sil, she needs to be told that the furniture shopping is not happening and to not ask for any kind of help until YOU tell her that it's possible. And if you need me to do it for you, I'd be glad to. 

Yeah. Dh has only been responding to her texts that ask how he is doing. The rest he just ignores. I told him I could text her and have her send me the texts so he doesn’t see them/strain to read them but he said no thanks. I don’t think he trusts me…😆

[sassenach]

I'm so confused. Does SIL know that DH can't see right now? 

[saraha]

10 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I'm so confused. Does SIL know that DH can't see right now? 

She should, he told them both he was having emergency surgery on his good eye. She has texted him a couple of times asking how he’s doing, but I don’t know what he said back. Maybe she assumes since he’s texting he must be fine?🤷🏼‍♀️ He holds the phone like three inches from his eye and painstakingly texts, instead of telling people to just call him. His two employees under him text instead of call too. He won’t let me do it for him and won’t ask that they call instead. 🙄 I just breathe through it whenever I see him trying to read or send a text.

Edited February 11, 2023 by saraha

[sassenach]

31 minutes ago, saraha said:

She should, he told them both he was having emergency surgery on his good eye. She has texted him a couple of times asking how he’s doing, but I don’t know what he said back. Maybe she assumes since he’s texting he must be fine?🤷🏼‍♀️ He holds the phone like three inches from his eye and painstakingly texts, instead of telling people to just call him. His two employees under him text instead of call too. He won’t let me do it for him and won’t ask that they call instead. 🙄 I just breathe through it whenever I see him trying to read or send a text.

If you have iPhones, Siri can read those texts to him and he could voice text back.

I would send out a text to the siblings to let them know that he's out of commission for the foreseeable future and that texts are laborious for him to read right now. He may not like it but sometimes you have to do for husbands what they won't do for themselves. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Has the doctor said whether his trying to read texts (or anything else) right now could be further damaging to his eyes?  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your family is dealing with a life altering situation with regards to your dh’s eyesight. Dealing with his care, the final outcome of his surgery and the future for him and your entire nuclear family is all consuming right now. The selfishness of his family of origin (especially SIL) is mind boggling.