Question if you are depressed or married to someone who is

[Kassia]

I've always struggled with anxiety and/or depression but it's been especially bad this past year.  DH has been wonderful but I feel like such a burden to him and that it's not fair to him to be stuck with a wife who is always miserable.  I am functioning and can do whatever needs to be done but the anxiety/depression is always there and am hopeless that it will ever get better.  So, what do I do - do I divorce him to give him the chance to have a happy life?  I love him very much and don't want to ruin his life.

I'm wondering about those who have similar issues.  If you are depressed, what do you do about your spouse?  And, if you're married to someone who is depressed, how do you feel about how it affects your own life and marriage?  

 

[gardenmom5]

I think that's the depression talking. I would likely make things worse - not better.   Have a real conversation with your husband.

I found yoga helpful - and after a knee injury, I really need to get back as my anxiety has been pretty bad of late.

[Junie]

(((Kassia)))

You are not ruining your husband's life by staying with him.  You are both honoring your vows "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".  Mental illness is illness.  Just the same as a physical illness.  And it helps to recognize that.

I have struggled with a physical disability (Rheumatoid Arthritis) for 16 years -- for more than half of our marriage -- and dh has stuck with me and been supportive.

I have also had some mental struggles (although I haven't been formally diagnosed), and dh has helped me through that.  He (now) understands when I talk to him and he is able to help me frame things in my mind in a more healthy way.  And while I haven't asked him specifically, I don't think that he minds.  It's just part of who I am and he accepts that.  I know that he loves me and I know that he doesn't want a divorce.  

[bolt.]

I too feel like sometimes I'm not pulling my weight (practically) or providing the relational reciprocity that my spouse has the right to expect from a partner. And when I am particularly bleak, I fall into thinking it will always be this way, and improvement is impossible.

But what you are saying her are *classic* and *textbook* symptoms of the depression itself. (1) "Things will never get better" and (2) "My loved ones will be better off without me bringing them down."

These two thoughts are NOT reasons to actually leave your spouse as an attempt to set him free from the burden of yourself. They ARE very good reasons to get in touch with your mental healthcare provider and tell them that you are having some particularly low 'lows' and you need to increase the type or frequency of the help you are getting.

There are truths about love that you are not seeing right now. The people who love you *deserve* the freedom to continue to love you. It would be wrong for you to unilaterally take that away from them. Even if you think it might be 'for their own good'.

Don't put your symptoms in the driver's seat of your life. They know how to murmur bleak nothings into your ears... but they don't know how to drive. Stay in control and make the choice to 'do the next right thing' no matter how hard it is to resist the lies depression can so compellingly bathe you in. Act from the truths you used to believe, when things were a little less bleak for you. They are a wiser guide for life's decisions than the things that seem to make sense right now, when you are so low.

[marbel]

I was just going to say what Junie did - when you married, did your vows include that stuff about sickness and health, better and worse?  

Neither my husband nor I have been diagnosed with depression but we have had some bad times that probably would have resulted in a dx if we'd pursued it. (So I am using the word "depressed" as a mental/emotional state, not a diagnosed illness here.) Recently I have been depressed over a job I hate. A few years ago he was depressed because he was laid off rather traumatically and was out of work for a long time (which necessitated me taking the job I hate). There have been times I have said I should leave him so he could "marry someone who isn't crazy" (also someone younger, prettier, not fat, etc., etc). 

But we were and are committed and no one would be helped by one of us leaving. 

Are you seeking therapy of any kind? I hope so.

Your post makes me so sad. I don't know if this is welcome but I am praying for you. Because I do know the feeling of being a burden. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

The main thing you could do for your husband, your marriage, and yourself, is be absolutely determined to get better.  

That's what to focus on.  How to get better.  

[cintinative]

I have had depression and anxiety most of my life.   I have heard in my head the lie that I am not worth being friends with because I am just too needy, etc.  There have even been times when I believed that lie. But let me assure you, just as others have upthread, it's just not true.  

Will there be people who just can't handle it that you are depressed? Yes. But that does NOT mean that you are unlikeable, unlovable, and moreover that your life doesn't have great value.  Some people just can't handle vulnerability. 

It sounds like your husband cherishes you.  He is willing to come alongside you in some really hard times.  That is HUGE.

For my depression, I have to be VERY intentional about self-care. Daily exercise, talk therapy, good sleep, medication, reaching out to friends, good boundaries.  It's hard, but I have learned that even with these in place, I can still start to slide.  With them, I am far more likely to persevere through rough seasons.

If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I strongly encourage it.  It is one of the best things I have done for myself.  

[Kassia]

21 minutes ago, Junie said:

 

You are not ruining your husband's life by staying with him.  You are both honoring your vows "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".  Mental illness is illness.  Just the same as a physical illness.  And it helps to recognize that.

 

 

8 minutes ago, marbel said:

I was just going to say what Junie did - when you married, did your vows include that stuff about sickness and health, better and worse?  

 

Are you seeking therapy of any kind? I hope so.

Your post makes me so sad. I don't know if this is welcome but I am praying for you. Because I do know the feeling of being a burden. 

 

Thank you to all who have responded - your support, advice, etc. is very much appreciated.

I have had medical issues for the past 5+ years and he's been wonderfully supportive, helpful, etc.  I have felt like a burden to him because of all of that but it feels different than the mental issues because I could still be a good companion to him in many ways.  Now I don't feel that way and I don't see an end to it.  

I'm not getting therapy but I did talk to FOUR doctors this year about my depression/anxiety and got no help at all.  

 

 

[Lawyer&Mom]

I had crippling anxiety at the beginning of the pandemic, and now I don’t.  (It was preexisting anxiety massively triggered by COVID infection and pandemic stress.)  It took a combination of talk therapy, SSRIs, methylated B vitamins and time for me to get better.  But I did.  It will probably take a combination of treatments and time for you to get better too, but treatments for anxiety and depression exist and are totally worth pursuing.  Please ask your husband for help.  That’s the best way to help him. 

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The main thing you could do for your husband, your marriage, and yourself, is be absolutely determined to get better.  

That's what to focus on.  How to get better.  

I've tried.  I've spoken with four doctors already this year (I was posting this earlier at the same time you were posting) and they don't care.  I can't keep wasting money trying to get help.  I've given up.  

 

3 minutes ago, cintinative said:

 

It sounds like your husband cherishes you.  He is willing to come alongside you in some really hard times.  That is HUGE.

 

If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I strongly encourage it.  It is one of the best things I have done for myself.  

Dh is so great.  One day he told me "I know you're doing the best you can" and I just cried and cried - it meant so much to me that he felt that way.  

No therapist right now.  Our insurance is so lousy and I've already spent so much on useless doctors.  I can't start all over again trying to find a therapist.  And I do wonder how much of it is biological, which means a therapist can't fix it.

I do have some DBT books waiting for me at the library.  I know that has been highly recommended here.

[cintinative]

2 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

I'm not getting therapy but I did talk to FOUR doctors this year about my depression/anxiety and got no help at all.  

Gently, it could be that mere medication is not going to get at the root of this thing.

We are all of us the product of our upbringing, prior experiences, etc.  Sometimes we don't realize that we are carrying around a lot of unspoken hurts and expectations. That is where counseling can really help.

If I had only medicated and had not gone to counseling, I would not be as emotionally healthy now.  I might have been able to medicate through the severe lows, but the source of some of those accusing voices would still be there.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

I had crippling anxiety at the beginning of the pandemic, and now I don’t.  (It was preexisting anxiety massively triggered by COVID infection and pandemic stress.)  It took a combination of talk therapy, SSRIs, methylated B vitamins and time for me to get better.  But I did.  It will probably take a combination of treatments and time for you to get better too, but treatments for anxiety and depression exist and are totally worth pursuing.  Please ask your husband for help.  That’s the best way to help him. 

I'm glad you got help.  I just went to doctor #4 last week and it was a waste.  We were so hopeful that THIS was going to be the one who was going to help but he didn't care.  DH was so sweet and told me how bad he feels for me.  

[heartlikealion]

I would never jump to that conclusion. There are so many other things that could be addressed/resources exhausted first. 

Are you willing to do any of the following/already doing:

Diet changes

Evaluate for vitamin deficiencies/take supplements

Exercise

Medication

Get involved in something (hobby, class, volunteer)

I have done all of the above. I do sometimes struggle, but I'd say it's more situational depression right now. 

[Lawyer&Mom]

3 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I'm not getting therapy but I did talk to FOUR doctors this year about my depression/anxiety and got no help at all.  

Therapy was a game changer for me.  While my regular doctor did put me on the SSRI, for which I am very grateful, it was my functional medicine doctor who tested my methylation status and put me on the right B vitamins.  A good functional medicine doctor is so worthwhile. 

[Kassia]

Just now, cintinative said:

Gently, it could be that mere medication is not going to get at the root of this thing.

We are all of us the product of our upbringing, prior experiences, etc.  Sometimes we don't realize that we are carrying around a lot of unspoken hurts and expectations. That is where counseling can really help.

If I had only medicated and had not gone to counseling, I would not be as emotionally healthy now.  I might have been able to medicate through the severe lows, but the source of some of those accusing voices would still be there.

I have SO much baggage.  And that's part of the depression - I am just so weary of carrying around this baggage day after day after day and don't see an end to it.  But counseling is expensive and I don't even know of a good one.  I just can't keep wasting money on bad/useless/harmful treatment.

[cintinative]

@Kassia if you are a person of faith, there may be sliding-scale counseling available (outside of insurance).  That's what I have used for five plus years now.  The hard thing is finding a good fit counselor.  If you have any friends who work in counseling, you could ask them for some names. Otherwise, your church (if you have one) might have a list of counselors that they refer to.

[heartlikealion]

Oh yeah I forgot to list therapy. There are several forms of therapy. 

[bolt.]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

I have SO much baggage.  And that's part of the depression - I am just so weary of carrying around this baggage day after day after day and don't see an end to it.  But counseling is expensive and I don't even know of a good one.  I just can't keep wasting money on bad/useless/harmful treatment.

It's very frustrating that bad counselling/therapy costs the same amount as good counselling/therapy -- and that you never know what you are going to get if you try.

I recommend trying anyways.

Even though I don't know your financial status, I think you are worth it. Very few of the costly things that we spend money on are "worth their cost" on the same scale as paying for (even a 50/50 chance at) recovering your mental health. Yes, if you have bad luck at first, you might "waste" some money by paying someone who doesn't help. If that happens, you can move on to someone else. Eventually you will find a good mental healthcare provider that can use their professional skills to help you climb out of this hole you are in.

I think you can probably afford to keep trying. I'm not totally sure you can "afford" to cut yourself off from the possibility that money invested in your health could actually improve your health. It's not a guarantee, but it is a possibility.

[cintinative]

3 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I have SO much baggage.  And that's part of the depression - I am just so weary of carrying around this baggage day after day after day and don't see an end to it.  But counseling is expensive and I don't even know of a good one.  I just can't keep wasting money on bad/useless/harmful treatment.

I SO hear you on this.  I didn't even realize how many carloads I had until we started unpacking it all.  

The financial stress of paying for medical stuff is also a big deal.  It sounds like you had just fallen down your own healthcare "rabbit hole" and when you started to emerge, you found all of this emotional health stuff lingering.  That is natural and hard. It is a grief to deal with any loss, and health issues are losses in their own way.  

It can be hard when you are depressed to find the energy to seek help. Also, when people let me down repeatedly, I start to go into the catastrophizing: "everyone is going to let me down."  That's just the anxiety and depression talking.   If your husband is willing, maybe he could help do some of the leg work of researching counselors.  That might help on the financial end too--he would understand the cost implications the same time you do.  

It can be very hard to self advocate. Please don't give up.

 

[JustEm]

I'm so sorry you have gotten no help from your doctors. I have had very similar experiences and have tried many times to get medication and have been unable. Every doctor just says I'm an overwhelmed sahm who homeschools so just exercise more and get more me time. They disregard that my mother is diagnosed depressed, her dad was bipolar, her brother is schizophrenic, multiple of my siblings suffer from the same issues above. But no, I've beaten the odds and am just not taking care of myself.

I have held a lot of guilt over feeling like a burden in the past. the only thing to get me through that was actually talking to dh about it  Have you had a discussion with your dh about how you feel like a burden? If he's been supportive through all your issues so far what makes you think he wouldn't continue to be supportive? Discussing if he is happy is important. And being on the same page about him seeking out ways to support himself through difficult times is important because it is exhausting always supporting other people. Caretakers have to have time to not be supportive 

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, cintinative said:

@Kassia if you are a person of faith, there may be sliding-scale counseling available (outside of insurance).  That's what I have used for five plus years now.  The hard thing is finding a good fit counselor.  If you have any friends who work in counseling, you could ask them for some names. Otherwise, your church (if you have one) might have a list of counselors that they refer to.

Thank you, but I'm agnostic so no church available.  

 

6 minutes ago, bolt. said:

It's very frustrating that bad counselling/therapy costs the same amount as good counselling/therapy -- and that you never know what you are going to get if you try.

I recommend trying anyways.

Even though I don't know your financial status, I think you are worth it. Very few of the costly things that we spend money on are "worth their cost" on the same scale as paying for (even a 50/50 chance at) recovering your mental health. Yes, if you have bad luck at first, you might "waste" some money by paying someone who doesn't help. If that happens, you can move on to someone else. Eventually you will find a good mental healthcare provider that can use their professional skills to help you climb out of this hole you are in.

I think you can probably afford to keep trying. I'm not totally sure you can "afford" to cut yourself off from the possibility that money invested in your health could actually improve your health. It's not a guarantee, but it is a possibility.

Financially, the past five years have been really hard due to medical issues.  And this year DH has had an enormous amount of dental work (that will spread to next year) that will probably end up costing us a total of 20K out of pocket.  And then there's all the other normal life expenses - cars, home, kids, and all the inflation.  I just can't spend more money on bad treatment.  And it's very difficult emotionally.  

 

One thing I forgot to mention as far as therapy is that I have post-concussive syndrome, which makes it very hard for me to have conversations.  Easy talks are fine but anything that is draining emotionally wipes me out immediately and my brain shuts down.  Therapy would be very difficult for me right now even if it were free (but I would definitely take advantage of free therapy if offered!).  

 

 

[stephanier.1765]

{{{{Kassia}}} I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. I wish virtual hugs were as good as real ones. There are so many wise replies to your thread so I'm not going to add to them. I just want to add my support and to reiterate that you are lovable and worthy. Your physical limitations and your depression don't make you less. Not one iota! What I know of your DH is that he is not thinking he would be better off without you. Please talk to him. Maybe you two can brainstorm some ideas on how to find you therapy and a doctor. I don't know enough to guide you in this but maybe there are people/organizations that you can call that can get you into a good doctor. This needs help the same way your ankle needed help. Please don't quit trying!

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

I'm so sorry you have gotten no help from your doctors. I have had very similar experiences and have tried many times to get medication and have been unable. Every doctor just says I'm an overwhelmed sahm who homeschools so just exercise more and get more me time. They disregard that my mother is diagnosed depressed, her dad was bipolar, her brother is schizophrenic, multiple of my siblings suffer from the same issues above. But no, I've beaten the odds and am just not taking care of myself.

I have held a lot of guilt over feeling like a burden in the past. the only thing to get me through that was actually talking to dh about it  Have you had a discussion with your dh about how you feel like a burden? If he's been supportive through all your issues so far what makes you think he wouldn't continue to be supportive? Discussing if he is happy is important. And being on the same page about him seeking out ways to support himself through difficult times is important because it is exhausting always supporting other people. Caretakers have to have time to not be supportive 

Thanks so much.  Yes, I talk to DH about it a lot.  He's been wonderful.  I really don't know how he does it - I know I'm difficult to live with because of my physical and emotional limitations.  He's also dealing with his mom's cancer, which has been made more difficult since he doesn't even like her and is obligated to do a lot for her.  

[Lawyer&Mom]

Have you done Ancestry or 23andMe?  If so you can download your raw data file and look up your methylation status yourself with https://geneticgenie.org.  
 

The site can be a bit overwhelming, so maybe a group project?

[happi duck]

We ended up in debt over a very highly recommended therapist and it ended up truly useless.  I totally get not trusting that route.

Of all the therapy I've had for anxiety and depression ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) has been the best.  I have a therapist for this but perhaps there are workbooks or online sources of information?

(hugs)

[bolt.]

15 minutes ago, happi duck said:

We ended up in debt over a very highly recommended therapist and it ended up truly useless.  I totally get not trusting that route.

Of all the therapy I've had for anxiety and depression ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) has been the best.  I have a therapist for this but perhaps there are workbooks or online sources of information?

(hugs)

DBT, which she has already mentioned, has lots of overlap with ACT. They are very compatible.

[Kassia]

27 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

Have you done Ancestry or 23andMe?

I haven't, but thank you.  

[JustEm]

If you have talked to your dh and he is happy then what about him makes you think he isn't telling the truth? Depression is a bitch and it really distorts our thinking so if a trusted loved one who has always supported you is telling you he's fine then trust him. He's more trustworthy than your depression. 

If you want to talk more privately about your struggles with someone who has had to go at it without help from drs just pm me. I'm a constant work in progress but as of late I feel like I've got things managed better than any other point in my life.

[Terabith]

I have had severe depression and anxiety off and on for most of my life, and it’s been serious many times.  I have had a number of hospitalizations.  Honestly, objectively my husband probably should have left me in the first couple years we were married, before we had kids.  He not only stuck with me through severe depression but also through my not being able to brew tea for several years after we married.   He says he knew what he was getting into when he married me and that I am a good companion and that he would have a hard time finding someone else he could live with.  
 

Did any of the doctors you saw diagnose anything?  Did they prescribe any meds?  What made them useless?

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I’m not sure what your insurance is or what state you are in, but you may consider trying a matching website like Headway or Alma. They can often match you with both a therapist and a mental health prescriber who are in network with your insurance to work together on your treatment plan. 
 

Also, for low cost therapy without insurance, try Open Path Collective. It is a directory where therapist offer low cost/ sliding scale appointments. There is a one-time sign-up fee, and after that the price range is $30-$60 per session. But you can search the directory and communicate with someone before deciding to join. Expect fully licensed therapists to charge $50 and provisionally licensed to be closer to $30.  
 

Be direct in your initial contact. Describe long- term, treatment resistant depressive and anxious symptoms. Let them know that you need an acceptance based intervention style and someone who understands neurodivergent women. 
 

I hear your depression hijacking your prefrontal cortex in your posts. Please remember that depression is a dirty, filthy liar. Don’t believe a word it is saying to you. Many hugs and good luck. 
 

[J-rap]

I'm really sorry about your depression and that you've had to carry that burden.

I've been hearing so much about ketamine therapy for depression lately, which seems to help when nothing else does.  I don't know much about it but have been told about it by people I respect.

As someone from the other side, my dh is pretty severely disabled (he wasn't always), and on top of that he also sometimes gets quite depressed due to his circumstances.  But you know what?  He's the love of my life and if he told me I should leave him so that I could do what I want and live a "happier" life, I'd just laugh.  Life can be very complicated and hard and we'll all have some really hard paths to walk, but I'd rather be on those hard paths with my best friend (my dh).

[mommyoffive]

Everyone here is giving you great advice.  I hate that your doctors have not treated your depression at all.  I am sorry.  There are some crappy doctors out there.  I heard all the reasons why you can't seek out therapy now.

What does make you feel a little better?  Is there anything that you can do daily to feel a little bit better?  Sit outside, in the sun, go for a walk, cuddle an animal, eat chocolate, drink some tea, enjoy a show, volunteer, or talk to friend?   

I have family history of depression and other mental health disorders.  The pandemic put me in a real low place and I am trying to get myself better.  I am pushing myself to do things when sometimes I don't want to make myself happier.  Some days I don't want to go out on a walk because I am just not in a good place, but when I do I always end up feeling better after it.  

[Kassia]

55 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

If you have talked to your dh and he is happy then what about him makes you think he isn't telling the truth? Depression is a bitch and it really distorts our thinking so if a trusted loved one who has always supported you is telling you he's fine then trust him. He's more trustworthy than your depression. 

If you want to talk more privately about your struggles with someone who has had to go at it without help from drs just pm me. I'm a constant work in progress but as of late I feel like I've got things managed better than any other point in my life.

He is supportive but I'm sure he's not happy.  I mean, I know he loves me and he is so devoted to me but he can't be happy with someone who is so miserable with herself and life.  He wants me to get help and he'll do anything to help me but I can't say that he's happy and I don't think he would either.  

I may take you up on the pm offer.  Thank you.  ❤️

 

 

32 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I have had severe depression and anxiety off and on for most of my life, and it’s been serious many times.  I have had a number of hospitalizations.  Honestly, objectively my husband probably should have left me in the first couple years we were married, before we had kids.  He not only stuck with me through severe depression but also through my not being able to brew tea for several years after we married.   He says he knew what he was getting into when he married me and that I am a good companion and that he would have a hard time finding someone else he could live with.  
 

Did any of the doctors you saw diagnose anything?  Did they prescribe any meds?  What made them useless?

Your DH sounds like a very special guy too.  Did the hospitalizations help?  That must have been a scary time for both of you.  How are you now?  

None of the doctors diagnosed me with anything or prescribed anything.  Here's a brief rundown.  

Dr. #1 - a family doctor who I went to to rule out anything serious from my concussion.  I told him I was very depressed and all I did was eat and sleep (I normally never sleep but I slept for three weeks straight after the concussion) and he told me that was "bad."  He advised me to call friends and sit outside in the sun.  This was in January when it was bitter cold and we have no sunshine for weeks at a time.  And I had just had major foot surgery and was nonweightbearing so getting outside at all was difficult and even more difficult with snow on the ground.  Then he told me to sit by a window.  Ok...

Dr. #2 - my gynecologist when I went for my annual visit.  I only checked off anxiety/depression on the current issues form I filled out when I got there.  Nothing was mentioned.  I don't really like her and didn't pursue it.

Dr. #3 - the endocrinologist I saw recently for other issues.  I marked off anxiety/depression again on the forms and nothing was said.  I told him my quality of life was very poor due to mental and physical issues.  

Dr. #4 - new family doctor for my annual visit.  I told him I was struggling with anxiety/depression and that it was bad.  I also told him that my irregular heartbeat has been worse in the past year and I didn't know if the anxiety was causing the irregular heartbeat to get worse or if the irregular heartbeat was causing the anxiety.  He said, "chicken/egg" and that was it.  

 

 

 

15 minutes ago, Big Buckin' Longhorn said:

I’m not sure what your insurance is or what state you are in, but you may consider trying a matching website like Headway or Alma. They can often match you with both a therapist and a mental health prescriber who are in network with your insurance to work together on your treatment plan. 
 

Also, for low cost therapy without insurance, try Open Path Collective. It is a directory where therapist offer low cost/ sliding scale appointments. There is a one-time sign-up fee, and after that the price range is $30-$60 per session. But you can search the directory and communicate with someone before deciding to join. Expect fully licensed therapists to charge $50 and provisionally licensed to be closer to $30.  
 

Be direct in your initial contact. Describe long- term, treatment resistant depressive and anxious symptoms. Let them know that you need an acceptance based intervention style and someone who understands neurodivergent women. 
 

I hear your depression hijacking your prefrontal cortex in your posts. Please remember that depression is a dirty, filthy liar. Don’t believe a word it is saying to you. Many hugs and good luck. 
 

The problem is that my insurance has a very high deductible.  This is the first year I haven't met it and would have to pay 100% of the expense, which we just can't do - especially not knowing if it would help.  I wonder if a lot of this is related to lack of estrogen or anemia or the concussion in addition to my other problems.    Thank you for the hugs and support.  

4 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I'm really sorry about your depression and that you've had to carry that burden.

I've been hearing so much about ketamine therapy for depression lately, which seems to help when nothing else does.  I don't know much about it but have been told about it by people I respect.

As someone from the other side, my dh is pretty severely disabled (he wasn't always), and on top of that he also sometimes gets quite depressed due to his circumstances.  But you know what?  He's the love of my life and if he told me I should leave him so that I could do what I want and live a "happier" life, I'd just laugh.  Life can be very complicated and hard and we'll all have some really hard paths to walk, but I'd rather be on those hard paths with my best friend (my dh).

Thank you.  I'll look into ketamine therapy.  I'm sure your DH really appreciates all of your love and support.  ❤️  

 

A big big thank you to everyone who responded.  It means so much to me.

[Kassia]

11 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

 

What does make you feel a little better?  Is there anything that you can do daily to feel a little bit better?  Sit outside, in the sun, go for a walk, cuddle an animal, eat chocolate, drink some tea, enjoy a show, volunteer, or talk to friend?   

 

I work out every day (which is a double edged sword because I also exercise compulsively - I love it but it also causes a lot of problems).  I walk with DH every day and enjoy that time with him.  Eating makes me feel wonderful because it soothes and distracts me but it is also a double edged sword because I've gained a bunch of weight this year from self-medicating with food.  I've struggled with disordered eating my whole life (which is a big part of the depression).  

[mommyoffive]

Are you at home all day?   I can't remember if you work outside the home.   

Could you join a group?  Volunteer?  Get together with friends?  Does being around people help you?

[Terabith]

One of the hospitalizations helped a lot, because they got me on an old tricyclic antidepressant that has worked amazingly well.  I’m doing really well now.  It took like three hospitalizations over six weeks or so, but a med cocktail that works makes ALL the difference.  
 

I have heard really good things about both ketamine and TMS.  
 

I think the issue is that you need to make an appointment with the complaint and reason for visit being depression.  Mentioning in passing or checking it off as a concern doesn’t tend to get it addressed.  There’s also online treatment that sends meds through the mail. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I am not sure that you really know whether your DH is happy or not.  Depression projects something awful, I've noticed.  Depressed people usually think everyone else is depressed or at least miserable, too, and often it's not factual.  It is easy to use this as something else to be depressed about.  And it is easy to make other people unhappy by bugging them about whether they are happy or not and maybe even accusing them of lying if they say they are not unhappy.  Both of those are self-fulfilling prophecies, and feed a downward spiral.  Please try to avoid them.

Your doctors are the wrong specialties for these problems.  It's no wonder that they didn't know what to do.  I am a bit surprised that they didn't refer you to a therapist or psychiatrist--that is the direction that you should go.

If this illness is making you miserable and making you want to leave your husband, it is bad enough to be worth spending money to treat it.  Even Suzy Orman would call going into debt for something like that 'honorable debt'.  I'm not suggesting that you actually need to go into debt, but worrying too much about the cost to move forward and try to get better is not serving you well.

Figure out your next best move to get better, and the move after that, too.  And then go after them, and focus on them instead of on these extraneous things.  I know it is hard, but I believe that you can do this.

[JustEm]

You say you don't think he'd say  he was happy. So, that means you haven't talked with him about it. You're just making assumptions. It is a huge leap to go from 'i think he'd say he wasn't happy' to 'should I divorce him so he can have a chance at a happy life.' 

That is the depression clouding your brain. He very well could be unhappy but you won't know unless you ask. And you won't know what will help get him back to happy unless you work with him.

[Heartstrings]

I’ve told my husband this a million times…depression lies to you.  It is not a trustworthy narrator of your life.  
 

 

Were you depressed before the concussion?  Have you seen an actual psychiatrist with an MD or just counselors?  With the concussion it seems like a psychiatrist would be a better bet.  Have you looked at ENSR or magnetic stimulation? Have you had your genes tested to find useful medication? Acupuncture has been show helpful and is often covered partially by insurance.  
 

When you say you “can’t afford” more treatment would your husband agree with that, or is your depression telling you that you aren’t worth it? Depression is a liar, on many topics. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, mommyoffive said:

Are you at home all day?   I can't remember if you work outside the home.   

Could you join a group?  Volunteer?  Get together with friends?  Does being around people help you?

I am home but don't want to join a group.  Especially now with the concussion - too much brain activity wipes me out. I can't even talk on the phone to my kids for long before I start getting fuzzy/queasy.  

 

 

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

 

I think the issue is that you need to make an appointment with the complaint and reason for visit being depression.  Mentioning in passing or checking it off as a concern doesn’t tend to get it addressed. 

I just expected that if you bring up anxiety/depression to your family doctor and say it's an issue - to the point that it could be causing heart palpitations - that it would be addressed.  

 

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I am not sure that you really know whether your DH is happy or not.  Depression projects something awful, I've noticed.  Depressed people usually think everyone else is depressed or at least miserable, too, and often it's not factual.  It is easy to use this as something else to be depressed about.  And it is easy to make other people unhappy by bugging them about whether they are happy or not and maybe even accusing them of lying if they say they are not unhappy.  Both of those are self-fulfilling prophecies, and feed a downward spiral.  Please try to avoid them.

Your doctors are the wrong specialties for these problems.  It's no wonder that they didn't know what to do.  I am a bit surprised that they didn't refer you to a therapist or psychiatrist--that is the direction that you should go.

If this illness is making you miserable and making you want to leave your husband, it is bad enough to be worth spending money to treat it.  Even Suzy Orman would call going into debt for something like that 'honorable debt'.  I'm not suggesting that you actually need to go into debt, but worrying too much about the cost to move forward and try to get better is not serving you well.

Figure out your next best move to get better, and the move after that, too.  And then go after them, and focus on them instead of on these extraneous things.  I know it is hard, but I believe that you can do this.

I don't think DH is unhappy with life but certainly wishes his wife wasn't depressed if that makes sense.  I mean, that seems obvious - a spouse who isn't depressed would be more enjoyable as a companion than a spouse who is.  I don't ask him about his happiness level but do tell him how much I appreciate his support and acknowledge the difficulties he has dealing with me.   

I need a little break before pursuing treatment again.  We had high hopes for the endocrinologist and that didn't work out and then high hopes for the family doctor and that didn't either.  Not just for the anxiety/depression but for other physical issues as well.  Total bust.  I need to regroup and get my strength up to try again.  

 

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

You say you don't think he'd say  he was happy. So, that means you haven't talked with him about it. You're just making assumptions. It is a huge leap to go from 'i think he'd say he wasn't happy' to 'should I divorce him so he can have a chance at a happy life.' 

That is the depression clouding your brain. He very well could be unhappy but you won't know unless you ask. And you won't know what will help get him back to happy unless you work with him.

I addressed this in my answer above.  🙂  Also, the concussion makes it difficult for me to have serious conversations because my brain gets overloaded and shuts down immediately.  

1 hour ago, Heartstrings said:

 

Were you depressed before the concussion?  Have you seen an actual psychiatrist with an MD or just counselors?  With the concussion it seems like a psychiatrist would be a better bet.  Have you looked at ENSR or magnetic stimulation? Have you had your genes tested to find useful medication? Acupuncture has been show helpful and is often covered partially by insurance.  
 

When you say you “can’t afford” more treatment would your husband agree with that, or is your depression telling you that you aren’t worth it? Depression is a liar, on many topics. 

I was depressed before the concussion but it's gotten much worse this year.  I've had cycles throughout my life of depression so it's not something new.  And I'm sure it's both nature and nurture since I had a traumatic childhood and my father suffered from extreme anxiety.  I haven't seen a psychiatrist or tired any of the treatments you've mentioned.  We could afford treatment but we can't afford to keep seeking treatment and coming up empty-handed which has been our experience with most doctors (not just for the mental issues but everything).

And I'm just too tired to keep trying.  I've tried and tried and gotten nowhere but frustrated and poorer.  Every day is hard.  

 

[KSera]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

I'm glad you got help.  I just went to doctor #4 last week and it was a waste.  We were so hopeful that THIS was going to be the one who was going to help but he didn't care.  DH was so sweet and told me how bad he feels for me.  

I was going to ask you what kind of doctors, but you answered lately. I would go directly to a psychiatrist. This is what they do, and I can’t imagine a psychiatrist just shrugging and sending someone on their way with no treatment if they come in reporting depression. 

[JustEm]

Hugs!

[Terabith]

I'm sure he does wish you weren't depressed. I've lived through times when I wasn't depressed and my husband or one of my kids was, and that was really hard.  (Four out of four of us in the house on antidepressants.  Youngest started just after her fifth birthday.).  It sucks, but usually more in a "I want to make this better" than a "I don't want to be married to this person."  One thing we DID learn is that my husband can't try to make me better.  He's not even really a great person for me to talk to when I'm depressed in depth.  He can't be my primary confidante when I'm depressed.  Which was a sucky thing to learn, but things got MUCH better for both of us when we realized that and figured out who I SHOULD talk to when I'm depressed.  We all have to detach a bit when family members are severely depressed.  (Honestly, while we've done loads of counseling, I find it of fairly limited utility with a few exceptions like EMDR for trauma.  Meds, on the other hand, rock.  For us, here in a house where the primary issue is that we're all wired for depression and anxiety.) 

Honestly, it sounds like you're experiencing significant post concussive symptoms, and it sounds, to me, like the depression is at least partially related to the concussion?  I don't know much about brain injuries, but I'm not 100% sure intense exercise is a good thing in that case?  I think you probably need to see either a psychiatrist or a neurologist.  (The concussion actually makes me lean more towards neurologist than psychiatrist, but there is significant overlap in their trainings.). I'm not sure this is really in the wheelhouse of a GP, though they certainly should have attempted to address it.  

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Terabith

[Annie G]

My oldest sister has had depression for 57 of her 70 years. Even medicated it does still impact her life. Her husband has passed away but for the many years they were married he did NOT want to divorce.  He loved her. For better or worse. Sure, he’d have loved it if she hadn’t been depressed,  but he loved her no matter what. I’m sure your husband feels the same. He sounds like a great guy.

A neurologist and/or psychiatrist are worth exploring.  If the concussion’s lasting effects are causing the depression, you need a neurologist. And a psych can help you with anxiety and depression.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low.

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

 my husband can't try to make me better.  

Honestly, it sounds like you're experiencing significant post concussive symptoms, and it sounds, to me, like the depression is at least partially related to the concussion?  I don't know much about brain injuries, but I'm not 100% sure intense exercise is a good thing in that case?  I think you probably need to see either a psychiatrist or a neurologist.  (The concussion actually makes me lean more towards neurologist than psychiatrist, but there is significant overlap in their trainings.). I'm not sure this is really in the wheelhouse of a GP, though they certainly should have attempted to address it.  

 

Yes, this is something I realized early on.  I can lean on him (literally) for physical issues but there's no way he knows how to deal with mental issues and I don't want to burden him by talking to him about them.  I can tell him I'm having a bad day or something like that but I'm not going into detail because there's nothing he can do.  

I think the PCS makes the depression worse because the symptoms themselves are depressing.  I can't have a conversation without shutting down, I can't think, my anxiety is triggered by the tiniest things now, etc.  It's depressing to live like this - there's just no way around it.  

 

And, again, I want to thank everyone for responding, caring, offering support and advice, etc.  You guys are the best.  ❤️  ❤️  ❤️  

 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Annie G said:

My oldest sister has had depression for 57 of her 70 years. Even medicated it does still impact her life. Her husband has passed away but for the many years they were married he did NOT want to divorce.  He loved her. For better or worse. Sure, he’d have loved it if she hadn’t been depressed,  but he loved her no matter what. I’m sure your husband feels the same. He sounds like a great guy.

A neurologist and/or psychiatrist are worth exploring.  If the concussion’s lasting effects are causing the depression, you need a neurologist. And a psych can help you with anxiety and depression.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low.

Thank you for sharing.  It got me teary because I think my DH feels the same way.  I don't understand why but he loves me and wants to take care of me and stick with me.  I'm glad your sister had a DH like that too.  

 

[annandatje]

I left him.  I was quite young and full of life and wanted desperately to escape the moodiness and despair that I had grown up around.   We were NOT married but were in a serious relationship.

Edited October 4, 2022 by annandatje

[Clarita]

4 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I don't understand why but he loves me and wants to take care of me and stick with me.

Because you aren't as much of burden on him as you think you are; that's part of the depression illness.

I only have friends who have depression. When I hang out or talk with them during their depression (a few of them are close enough that we made routine plans) what they thought they were burdening or putting me through was at 10x more than what it really was. I as the friend am just taking care of a friend like you do when a friend breaks a foot, gets sick, or just give people food/meals because it's a nice thing to do. 

[Kassia]

28 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Because you aren't as much of burden on him as you think you are; that's part of the depression illness.

I only have friends who have depression. When I hang out or talk with them during their depression (a few of them are close enough that we made routine plans) what they thought they were burdening or putting me through was at 10x more than what it really was. I as the friend am just taking care of a friend like you do when a friend breaks a foot, gets sick, or just give people food/meals because it's a nice thing to do. 

I do think it's different with a friend than a spouse.  I'm glad you were able to help your friends through tough times and that they were open to your help.  I've definitely been withdrawing from my friends due to the depression.  

[Catwoman]

Kassia, I don't have any advice for you, but I'm sending lots of hugs -- and I also want to let you know that I'm 100% sure that your dh would be absolutely devastated if you were to divorce him. It is so obvious that he adores you and that he values you far more than you value yourself.

I'm so sorry the PCS is still so bad. 😞