When your young adult breaks up with someone you really like

[Kassia]

Dd was in a serious relationship with a young man I absolutely adored.  They are very young and I knew it was unlikely they would stay together but I hoped they would.  Anyway, they broke up a few months ago and I don't know why.  Dd was away at college and only told me that they are now just friends.  We're close in the sense that we communicate frequently when she's away but not in the sense that she shares her deepest feelings with me.  Of course I didn't tell her this but I was very sad that they broke up because I felt like he was very good for her and he is such a good guy.  But I didn't know the reason for the break up so maybe I was wrong. I know for sure there wasn't another person involved on either side. 

She's home for the summer now doing a remote internship.  Her ex just contacted me and said that he loves dd and doesn't know what he's doing to do without her.  I feel so bad.  At first he asked me not to tell her that he contacted me and then said he didn't want to put me in that position.

I don't really know why I'm posting.  I guess just venting here because it makes me sad.  There's nothing I can really do.  

 

[skimomma]

I can totally relate to this.  It has happened twice now for us.  I did not, nor would I ever, challenge the decision.  We have a very open relationship and so I actually know exactly why both relationships failed and I don't necessarily agree with the reasons, but it is not my place to give an opinion unless asked.  It sucks to have this person as almost part of the family and then POOF, they are not. It just comes with the territory, I guess.  

[teachermom2834]

Vent away. This is a hard thing with our young people. But as you said there really is nothing you can do. But it hurts the heart. 

[Lecka]

I think it is inappropriate for him to contact you.  

[theelfqueen]

I recommend staying out of it.... my Mother kept in contact with an ex boyfriend of mine for quite a while after I had moved on and even married someone else and it hurt and annoyed me. It felt like she didn't trust my judgment (which hey was questionable but she is my mom) and liked ex better than then-husband.... I did not appreciate it. 

Edited June 27, 2022 by theelfqueen

[Spy Car]

As I was reading this (and you have my full empathy here) one of my favorite songs from childhood popped into my head.

Perhaps sneak it into your playlist?

 Bill

 

[AmandaVT]

I think this is a good place to vent - but please don't make the mistake my mom did when my brother and his long time girlfriend broke up. 20 years later, she STILL talks about how amazing she is, not often, but just enough to remind everyone that she misses his ex. 20 years later. 🙄 And my brother married an amazing woman 15 years ago - my mom also is FB friends with the ex still. This has caused a bit of tension - she's not over the top about it, but she really needs to get over it. 

[Scarlett]

In a similar vein ds21 has a friend who I adore. She (let’s call her Kenzie) has always seemed to like him as well ….but nothing ever came if it. So when he was chatting with Dh and me yesterday about his Saturday night out he mentioned Kenzie was in the group as well as another young man who was recently rejected by another girl. I said oh do those two maybe like each ?  Ds says no way. I said ‘why not?  I love Kenzie! I want to marry Kenzie.’  Ha ha 

ds says Kenzie is too picky. … so good for her I guess. She knows what she wants. 

 

[lovinmyboys]

I have no advice. I just started a thread about parenting teens because I am terrible at stuff like this. I think venting helps and I would be sad too. It’s hard when they get older because you have fewer people to vent to (at least for me).

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

I recommend staying out of it.... my Mother kept in contact with an ex boyfriend of mine for quite a while after I had moved on and even married someone else and it hurt and annoyed me. It felt like she didn't trust my judgment (which hey was questionable but she is my mom) and liked ex better than then-husband.... I did not appreciate it. 

 

2 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

I think this is a good place to vent - but please don't make the mistake my mom did when my brother and his long time girlfriend broke up. 20 years later, she STILL talks about how amazing she is, not often, but just enough to remind everyone that she misses his ex. 20 years later. 🙄 And my brother married an amazing woman 15 years ago - my mom also is FB friends with the ex still. This has caused a bit of tension - she's not over the top about it, but she really needs to get over it. 

Oh, I am definitely staying out of it!  It's not my business and dd must have a good reason since she was totally committed to him before something happened that caused her to break it off.  

Ds2 and his long-time gf broke up several years ago.  I liked her and was sad - she was definitely part of the family by then - but DH and I definitely had hesitations about her so it wasn't as hard on me as this breakup has been. Of course, dd has NO idea that I feel this way.  None at all.  Since they are still friends, once in a while I will ask about him - just how his internship is going or something like that if it's in context of our conversation.  And he brought her to the airport when she came home and I asked her if it was okay if I thanked him and she said yes - I wouldn't have done it without her approval. 

[Scarlett]

And that is the Most I have ever said about my love for Kenzie. So I am team stay out if it……(but you can still secretly hope they get back together like I hope for Kenzie and ds to be a couple)

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think it is inappropriate for him to contact you.  

Maybe.  I think he is truly devastated though.  He didn't ask me to do anything - just vented to me how he felt.  Of course, my first priority is dd and her feelings.  He said he wouldn't contact me again though.  

[KungFuPanda]

My MIL still keeps in touch with one of DH’s old girlfriends. We’ve been married 28 years. It’s ridiculous. Don’t be my MIL. He can be a great guy but not The One for her. She’s young and has time to just look after herself without some needy boy hanging on. 

[MercyA]

That would be super hard for me. I admit I like to see people paired off young and am sad when what seems to be a good match doesn't work out. 

I will say that one of my nephews broke up with his girlfriend just after high school or maybe early in college. He dated other people and I think she probably did too, but she always hoped and prayed they'd get back together. They did, they're married, and they have a beautiful son. He said he realized that he kept comparing everyone to her (and evidently everyone else fell short). So you never know. 

Huge hugs to you. 

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

My MIL still keeps in touch with one of DH’s old girlfriends. We’ve been married 28 years. It’s ridiculous. Don’t be my MIL. He can be a great guy but not The One for her. She’s young and has time to just look after herself without some needy boy hanging on. 

No, I won't be like your MIL.  That is weird.  

 

5 minutes ago, MercyA said:

That would be super hard for me. I admit I like to see people paired off young and am sad when what seems to be a good match doesn't work out. 

I will say that one of my nephews broke up with his girlfriend just after high school or maybe early in college. He dated other people and I think she probably did too, but she always hoped and prayed they'd get back together. They did, they're married, and they have a beautiful son. He said he realized that he kept comparing everyone to her (and evidently everyone else fell short). So you never know. 

Huge hugs to you. 

The same thing happened with the son and gf of a dear friend of mine.  She adored the gf and there was a break-up of about a year.  It really hurt my friend but she stayed out of it.  They got back together, eventually got married, and just had their first baby - they are blissfully happy now.  🙂  

Two of my older sons paired off young - ds1 has been with his gf for almost ten years (they started dating when he was 21 and she was 20), ds2 has been with his gf for over 4 years officially but they were very very close before that - best friends for five years before they moved to the next level.  (see, there's hope @Scarlett!).  

[heartlikealion]

54 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I was very sad that they broke up because I felt like he was very good for her and he is such a good guy.  But I didn't know the reason for the break up so maybe I was wrong. I know for sure there wasn't another person involved on either side. 

My gut reaction is she's just not that into him. Maybe she couldn't picture a future with him. But who knows. 

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

My gut reaction is she's just not that into him. Maybe she couldn't picture a future with him. But who knows. 

they were very very serious and then suddenly...it was over.  They were thisclose to signing a lease together for 14 months even though I had been warning her that was a huge commitment at her age (hard for her to take me seriously on this since I was married at her age- 19).  Fortunately, the break up happened before the lease.  It still ended up costing her financially (long story) but way less expensive and stressful than if they had signed a lease together. 

Her brothers might know what happened but I can't ask and put them in that position.

 

[Farrar]

Hoo boy. Did you tell your dd he contacted you or not?

[heartlikealion]

8 minutes ago, Kassia said:

they were very very serious and then suddenly...it was over.  They were thisclose to signing a lease together for 14 months even though I had been warning her that was a huge commitment at her age (hard for her to take me seriously on this since I was married at her age- 19).  Fortunately, the break up happened before the lease.  It still ended up costing her financially (long story) but way less expensive and stressful than if they had signed a lease together. 

Her brothers might know what happened but I can't ask and put them in that position.

oh that is quite serious. And tons of possible reasons for the breakup. 

[Kassia]

8 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Hoo boy. Did you tell your dd he contacted you or not?

no, it just happened this morning and she's working.  It really put me in an awkward situation.  I don't think I'll tell her this time.  If it happens again, I'll go to her before responding to him and ask her what she wants me to do.  Of course, if she asks me if he's contacted me I would tell her the truth.  

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

Oh, I am definitely staying out of it!  It's not my business and dd must have a good reason since she was totally committed to him before something happened that caused her to break it off.  

Good. Trust this. ❤️

[footballmom]

You have all of my sympathies.  My oldest broke off a relationship last year and I was a huge fan of the gf.  I admired that he was willing to do the hard thing out of respect for himself and her.  But, I silently miss her a lot.  He has a new-ish relationship that isn’t bringing out the best in him, but I’m biting my tongue.  My relationship with him is the long game.

[Katy]

I think you should tell her he contacted you. Always. 

[teachermom2834]

Hmmm…I’m worried if you don’t tell her he contacted you and it comes out that is going to look very bad to your dd. Which isn’t fair because you didn’t ask to get put in this position. Ugh. Young people! 

[skimomma]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

I think you should tell her he contacted you. Always. 

I agree.  It doesn't have to be a big thing, just let her know.  I run into dd's exes once in a while (small town) and even though it is never on purpose and only polite small talk is exchanged, I do let her know.  She is on good terms with both so it's no big deal.  This case is a bigger deal since you don't know why the break-up occurred and this might be important info for your dd to know.

[saraha]

Dd21 dated a boy she met online for a year. On paper he is perfect, they play the same instrument, both are learning Japanese, both have Asperger’s. Parents are both professionals and he has an incredible work ethic. He left in may for Idaho to work on his phd in some kind of rocket science, which was the plan before they met. Their last day together he gave her a card written in Japanese. She read it and he said, we’ll what’s your answer? And she’s like I can’t read this Congi, he kept after her to try and she said she started to panic. Finally he read it to her and it said I will miss you so much, will you miss me? She busted out with oh! I was afraid it said will you marry me and I was going to have to tell you no! Cue awkward silence and then she recovers and says of course I’ll miss you! They are still texting daily and dh and I are holding out hope 😆. She is going away to school to finish her bachelors and I think she wants to look around. I’m another that hopes they keep in touch and then rediscover each other. But obviously i don’t say anything.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

I think you should tell her he contacted you. Always. 

 

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Hmmm…I’m worried if you don’t tell her he contacted you and it comes out that is going to look very bad to your dd. Which isn’t fair because you didn’t ask to get put in this position. Ugh. Young people! 

 

58 minutes ago, skimomma said:

I agree.  It doesn't have to be a big thing, just let her know.  I run into dd's exes once in a while (small town) and even though it is never on purpose and only polite small talk is exchanged, I do let her know.  She is on good terms with both so it's no big deal.  This case is a bigger deal since you don't know why the break-up occurred and this might be important info for your dd to know.

Ughhhhh...I don't know how to do this without upsetting them both.  😞  I wish he hadn't contacted me - it only upset me because I care about him and feel terrible that he's sad and it put me in this awkward situation. 

They are still friendly - at least they were until very recently.  I think he's her best friend outside of her brothers but that's not saying much since she's extremely introverted.  Unless something happened in the last day or so.  I can see that they are still friends on discord - she deleted him when they first broke up and then added him back as a friend after that.  

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts.  If you have any ideas on how to tell her, I'd appreciate it.  Otherwise, I'll just hope it doesn't happen again.  If it does, I will go to her first before responding.  What a mess.  Maybe I shouldn't have responded to him this time without checking with her.  She was fine about me contacting him to thank him for taking her to the airport when I checked with her.  There really was nothing said other than him telling me his feelings and he said he wouldn't do it again.  I didn't say anything about her but I did tell him I wouldn't say anything when he first asked me not to (and then he acknowledged that he shouldn't have asked me to keep something from her). 

  

 

 

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

Dd was in a serious relationship with a young man I absolutely adored.  They are very young and I knew it was unlikely they would stay together but I hoped they would.  Anyway, they broke up a few months ago and I don't know why.  Dd was away at college and only told me that they are now just friends.  We're close in the sense that we communicate frequently when she's away but not in the sense that she shares her deepest feelings with me.  Of course I didn't tell her this but I was very sad that they broke up because I felt like he was very good for her and he is such a good guy.  But I didn't know the reason for the break up so maybe I was wrong. I know for sure there wasn't another person involved on either side. 

She's home for the summer now doing a remote internship.  Her ex just contacted me and said that he loves dd and doesn't know what he's doing to do without her.  I feel so bad.  At first he asked me not to tell her that he contacted me and then said he didn't want to put me in that position.

I don't really know why I'm posting.  I guess just venting here because it makes me sad.  There's nothing I can really do.  

 

As a parent, you should stay out of it.       

Edited June 27, 2022 by gardenmom5

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

As a parent, you should stay out of it.       

I did the best I could without basically ghosting him.  I didn't reveal anything about her and just tried to empathize with him because I felt bad.  How do you feel I should have handled it?  I wish I had checked with her first even though she would have been upset with him probably and it would have made everything worse - his feelings and their friendship.  

[teachermom2834]

In hindsight, if it happens again I just wouldn't respond to him at all. I know that sounds cruel but now you are in a pickle with keeping something from your dd. None of this is your fault and not fair that you got pulled into it. But if it happens again, I'd just not respond 😞 

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

In hindsight, if it happens again I just wouldn't respond to him at all. I know that sounds cruel but now you are in a pickle with keeping something from your dd. None of this is your fault and not fair that you got pulled into it. But if it happens again, I'd just not respond 😞 

Even if they are still friends?  He does us a huge favor by driving her to/from the airport (I don't know if he will again in August when she goes back for fall semester).  Thank you.  I'm so upset about all of this.  

[teachermom2834]

Just now, Kassia said:

Even if they are still friends?  He does us a huge favor by driving her to/from the airport (I don't know if he will again in August when she goes back for fall semester).  Thank you.  I'm so upset about all of this.  

Well, yes. Because it runs the risk of coming between you and your dd. So if he texts you again I do think you need to run it by dd before you respond. To the point of exact screenshots of what he says to you and getting approval of what you respond.

It is extremely messy and upsetting. But I don't think you can have any communciation with this guy outside of your dd. So if they are still friends she either needs to be copied in by group text or by you running all the texts by her coming and going.

I feel for you. It's a mess and very upsetting. But you really can't have your own relationship with him. Even about giving her rides to the airport. If you are going to text him to thank him for taking her to the airport I think you need to type the text and get it approved by dd before you send it. I realize that sounds ridiculous but I don't think you can have a relationship or interactions with him that don't run through your dd. I don't think you would act inappropriately but I do think it runs the risk of being misinterpreted by either dd or this guy or of this guy putting you in an awkward position again like he did this time.

The bottom line is no matter how much you care for this guy, your loyalty is with your dd and that is the relationship to protect at any painful cost.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. 

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Well, yes. Because it runs the risk of coming between you and your dd. So if he texts you again I do think you need to run it by dd before you respond. To the point of exact screenshots of what he says to you and getting approval of what you respond.

It is extremely messy and upsetting. But I don't think you can have any communciation with this guy outside of your dd. So if they are still friends she either needs to be copied in by group text or by you running all the texts by her coming and going.

I feel for you. It's a mess and very upsetting. But you really can't have your own relationship with him. Even about giving her rides to the airport. If you are going to text him to thank him for taking her to the airport I think you need to type the text and get it approved by dd before you send it. I realize that sounds ridiculous but I don't think you can have a relationship or interactions with him that don't run through your dd. I don't think you would act inappropriately but I do think it runs the risk of being misinterpreted by either dd or this guy or of this guy putting you in an awkward position again like he did this time.

The bottom line is no matter how much you care for this guy, your loyalty is with your dd and that is the relationship to protect at any painful cost.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. 

Thank you!  I did check with her before thanking him for taking her to the airport a few weeks ago and she was fine with it.  I should have done the same today before he expressed what he did to me.  I definitely don't plan on having a secret relationship with him behind her back.  And I do completely agree and understand that my first loyalty has to be to dd.  

[teachermom2834]

5 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Thank you!  I did check with her before thanking him for taking her to the airport a few weeks ago and she was fine with it.  I should have done the same today before he expressed what he did to me.  I definitely don't plan on having a secret relationship with him behind her back.  And I do completely agree and understand that my first loyalty has to be to dd.  

He caught you off guard today. You care about him and you have compassion and you responded to him as a caring compassionate person would want to. But now you know that he is capable of crossing a boundary so now you can have your guard up. Hopefully (and it sounds like maybe he did learn) he realized he crossed a boundary, too, and you won't have a repeat. Now you know and you can have your guard up. 

When I would find myself in these kind of jams (always something different because it was never predictable you know?) I would always say to dh "Why am I dealing with this? I am married! I am done dating! Why am I dating again?!?!?! I got married so I didn't have to do this anymore!" That's always how it made me feel anyway. 

Edited June 27, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

He caught you off guard today. You care about him and you have compassion and you responded to him as a caring compassionate person would want to. But now you know that he is capable of crossing a boundary so now you can have your guard up. Hopefully (and it sounds like maybe he did learn) he realized he crossed a boundary, too, and you won't have a repeat. Now you know and you can have your guard up. 

 

Wow, you expressed this perfectly.  Thank you.  ❤️ 

[skimomma]

I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.  I can totally see myself stumbling into the same situation as it would completely take me off guard.  I'd just tell your dd in a way that gives her the information but without seeming upset yourself.  Just say this happened, I was caught off guard as I now realize I probably should have checked with you before responding, if this happens again would you prefer I respond as I choose, check with you first, or not respond at all?  She might get upset but I'm guessing she probably already knows he is emotional about this.  And depending on how close he was with the rest of you, she might understand his need for closure or even just a chance to somehow let you know that he was not the dumper.  

On a related note, the mother of one of dd's exes contacted me demanding to know why my dd "dumped" her 18yo freshman-in-college son.  I was mortified!  I just told her I didn't know (even though I did) and that it was none of my or her business (as it was not).  I didn't hear from her again.  She only had my contact info at all because dd went on a trip with their family at some point while they were dating and we exchanged numbers just in case.  I did not bring it up with dd as I know she would have told the ex who would have been even more mortified than I was!  I cannot imagine what possessed her.  It was weeks after the fact but I think she may have not heard they had broken up until that point.  By then it was old news to me and the text was completely out of left field.

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, skimomma said:

I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.  I can totally see myself stumbling into the same situation as it would completely take me off guard.  I'd just tell your dd in a way that gives her the information but without seeming upset yourself.  Just say this happened, I was caught off guard as I now realize I probably should have checked with you before responding, if this happens again would you prefer I respond as I choose, check with you first, or not respond at all?  She might get upset but I'm guessing she probably already knows he is emotional about this.  And depending on how close he was with the rest of you, she might understand his need for closure or even just a chance to somehow let you know that he was not the dumper.  

On a related note, the mother of one of dd's exes contacted me demanding to know why my dd "dumped" her 18yo freshman-in-college son.  I was mortified!  I just told her I didn't know (even though I did) and that it was none of my or her business (as it was not).  I didn't hear from her again.  She only had my contact info at all because dd went on a trip with their family at some point while they were dating and we exchanged numbers just in case.  I did not bring it up with dd as I know she would have told the ex who would have been even more mortified than I was!  I cannot imagine what possessed her.  It was weeks after the fact but I think she may have not heard they had broken up until that point.  By then it was old news to me and the text was completely out of left field.

Thank you.  I like what you wrote about how I should handle this and that's what I think I'll do.  So many things come up with kids that you wish you had time to prepare for!

What a story about the mother of dd's ex!  People are so strange!  

One more thing - do you think I should say something to dd's ex if I am going to tell dd that he contacted me?  I did tell him I wouldn't - stupid stupid.  

I just want everyone to be happy and I certainly don't want to be the cause of anyone being more upset than they already are.  That's where I feel I am now if I say anything - dd will be upset with him and maybe me, and then he'll be upset if she's mad at him for reaching out.  

[skimomma]

2 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Thank you.  I like what you wrote about how I should handle this and that's what I think I'll do.  So many things come up with kids that you wish you had time to prepare for!

What a story about the mother of dd's ex!  People are so strange!  

One more thing - do you think I should say something to dd's ex if I am going to tell dd that he contacted me?  I did tell him I wouldn't - stupid stupid.  

I just want everyone to be happy and I certainly don't want to be the cause of anyone being more upset than they already are.  That's where I feel I am now if I say anything - dd will be upset with him and maybe me, and then he'll be upset if she's mad at him for reaching out.  

I don't think you need to tell him that you are telling dd.  He acknowledged himself that he should not have asked which to me seems like he rescinded that request.  But even if he didn't, there is no need to tell him IMO.

[Katy]

Text: Honey this us awkward but I think it might be more awkward if I kept it a secret. (Ex-BF) texted me earlier and said this: “(Entire quote copied & pasted)”. I said, “(Entire quote).” I thought you should know.

[Katy]

Even if you love him, going past her to you was either manipulative or immature. Possibly both. 

[teachermom2834]

24 minutes ago, skimomma said:

I don't think you need to tell him that you are telling dd.  He acknowledged himself that he should not have asked which to me seems like he rescinded that request.  But even if he didn't, there is no need to tell him IMO.

Agreed. I would not get into it further with the guy. I’d let it drop and not discuss again. Pretend it never happened. 

I can be guilty of wanting to say all the things in an attempt to make everything better when there are so many times when it is better to just stop talking. I would just let this drop with the boyfriend. I have had to learn this the hard way. Less said soonest mended or something like that? He probably wants it just to go away too. 

[Kassia]

32 minutes ago, Katy said:

Even if you love him, going past her to you was either manipulative or immature. Possibly both. 

I don't think he was being manipulative.  Immature maybe (he's not even 20 yet).  My feeling - and I could be wrong - is that he's sad and was reaching out to vent.   Maybe he felt I was a safe place to do that.  I don't know.  

[Lecka]

I have a gut instinct he may be doing the same thing with her other friends, and maybe she will hear about it and have second thoughts.

My gut instinct was delete and forget, and not mention it. 
 

But it didn’t occur to me to copy and share it with her.  I think that is a better idea.  
 

I think when someone will text the mom they will text the friends, too.  
 

It’s been years but in college I was in a friend group where exes did appeal to friends.  They would make their case to get back together, to the friends.  Men and women both did it.  Then one of them turned out to be a stalker!

Of course this person doesn’t seem like he’s a stalker from this action.  But I am so leery of this stuff now.  
 

 

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I have a gut instinct he may be doing the same thing with her other friends, and maybe she will hear about it and have second thoughts.

 

 

She's an extreme introvert with only two other friends and neither of them are close friends - I really don't think he'd do that.  He's still her best friend and the only one she communicates with regularly (unless that's changed very recently).  

I had a bf before DH who would go to my best friend and grill her about me.  When we broke up he took it very hard.  He didn't contact my friends but that was pre-texting/electronic communication.  

 

[Lecka]

Well he might be better off to branch off some from her.  But it might not be the right time for them right now.

Who knows — maybe they will end up together!  If they are still best friends at this point.

If she is best friends with him, but not romantically interested, it’s too bad as a situation but it doesn’t sound sustainable.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Oldest had a boyfriend I really liked.  They broke up. I didn't invest any thoughts of feelings in it-not my relationship and people have their reasons. She ended up marrying someone else I really like. There are plenty of great people out there.

People, especially teens and young adults, who only want to vent about a break up don't vent with the parent of the person who ended the relationship. They do it with their own friends and their own family. I think he's manipulating.

Also, some people just don't think things through.  It's very foolish and obnoxious to tell someone something first, then tell them to keep it a secret. A person who can think it through would ask if the other person is willing to keep a secret, then ONLY if they agreed to secrecy, would they actually tell them the sensitive information.  And yes, I do this.  It sounds something like, "Are you comfortable knowing something about (insert name here) without telling anyone, including them, about it?" I do it because I hate it when others try to manipulate me by dumping a secret on me without my agreeing to it.  That's manipulation that's so common, it's almost socially normative.  Knock it off, people!

So I don't think anyone is obligated to secrecy if they didn't state before hearing it that they were agreeing to be someone's confidant.  Why?  Because they may tell something that isn't the confidant's place to know and/or that information may be better off said out loud in some situations.  Most of the time that's not the case, so it doesn't need to go any further, but on occasion it is.

OP, if I were in your situation I would tell my daughter matter of factly exactly what he said and what I said in that interaction.  Then I wouldn't bring it up again. She can do with it what she wants.

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

 I just want everyone to be happy and I certainly don't want to be the cause of anyone being more upset than they already are.  That's where I feel I am now if I say anything - dd will be upset with him and maybe me, and then he'll be upset if she's mad at him for reaching out.  

Their reactions and their emotions are owned by them. 

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I don't think he was being manipulative.  Immature maybe (he's not even 20 yet).  My feeling - and I could be wrong - is that he's sad and was reaching out to vent.   Maybe he felt I was a safe place to do that.  I don't know.  

It's possibly just immaturity, but your dd needs to know, because only she can place it in context with his behavior and personality overall. 

If you said anything more than, "I'm sorry you're having such a rough time" then I like the idea of copying and pasting the entire conversation, or at least asking her if she would like you to do so. 

ex texted me, I was caught off guard and said thus and so, he initially asked me to not tell you but realized on his own that it was a bad idea, if he texts about you again, I will tell him it's not appropriate for me to discuss your relationship 

[Kassia]

40 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

. I think he's manipulating.

Also, some people just don't think things through.  It's very foolish and obnoxious to tell someone something first, then tell them to keep it a secret. A person who can think it through would ask if the other person is willing to keep a secret, then ONLY if they agreed to secrecy, would they actually tell them the sensitive information.  And yes, I do this.  

I don't know - maybe I'm naive and gullible but I don't get the impression he's manipulating.  In the time I've known him, he's been so polite, friendly, and thoughtful.  And he's very young - only 19 - and feeling emotional so I feel like those are good excuses for him to not think this through.  He did immediately take back what he said about not telling her that he reached out to me.  

 

33 minutes ago, katilac said:

Their reactions and their emotions are owned by them. 

It's possibly just immaturity, but your dd needs to know, because only she can place it in context with his behavior and personality overall. 

If you said anything more than, "I'm sorry you're having such a rough time" then I like the idea of copying and pasting the entire conversation, or at least asking her if she would like you to do so. 

ex texted me, I was caught off guard and said thus and so, he initially asked me to not tell you but realized on his own that it was a bad idea, if he texts about you again, I will tell him it's not appropriate for me to discuss your relationship 

Maybe it's because I told something when I was very young that pretty much destroyed my family that this bothers me so much.  I was so young and felt so guilty for telling.  I just don't want to cause any additional drama between them and I don't want anyone being upset with me - I shouldn't have engaged in the conversation and should have waited until dd was available so I could ask her what she wanted me to do.  I feel like he needed someone to confide in but obviously I'm not the right choice.  He didn't talk about her though - only his own feelings and it was brief.  I didn't talk about her either.  But I like your example of what to say.  Thank you.

[Tree Frog]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

don't know - maybe I'm naive and gullible but I don't get the impression he's manipulating.  In the time I've known him, he's been so polite, friendly, and thoughtful.  And he's very young - only 19 - and feeling emotional so I feel like those are good excuses for him to not think this through.  He did immediately take back what he said about not telling her that he reached out to me.  

I, too, thought it was strange he contacted you unless you had a relationship with him. What was his reasoning for contacting you?  It seems strange to ask a former girlfriend's mom for sympathy. 

My oldest dd had a relationship with someone we really liked. He was very personable and friendly when we were around. But dd's best friend noticed problems (dd likely talked about their relationship with her more than with us) and said something to dd twice about how poorly he treated her. Thankfully she listened to bff and ended it. We didn't see what dd and bff saw, but he wasn't good bf/potential husband material. We knew none of this until several months after the breakup. 

 

[Clarita]

I became really close friends with my ex's mom. As sad as she is that I'm not her DIL, we are intentional about not talking about it. I think you can tell him that you are sad about it, that you really like him as a person, but their relationship is between them. If he has any questions or concerns about it to talk to your daughter instead, because the reality is there isn't anything you can do about it.