Dress Code for Dances in the US

[Lillyfee]

My husband and me need to go to a dance from his work. We went one time when we were younger and then we never went again but this time he is expected to come (basically they told him he needs to go). I got told that the dress code is white tie.

Now I know that white tie means floor length evening dress for the woman but I wonder how strict they are in the US. In Europe we rarely have white tie events but even then a knee length nice dress would be probably ok. I fell floor length is so unpractical and looks mainly good on very tall skinny women. I am not big but have curves. I also feel a floor length dress needs to fit perfectly to look good and I don't want to spend too much.

I really do not care for events like that. They feel fake to me but my husband really wants me to come. I want to feel pretty and classy but not too styled up. 

Does it really need to be a floor length gown? The last thing I want is to be embarrassing and have people look at me because I am dressed wrong.

 

[Wheres Toto]

Generally (at least in my area of the NorthEast) for a white tie event you may see women in floor length gowns, tea length gowns, short dresses, or pant suits.  (But they will be very nice and fancy short dresses or pant suits.)

Since this seems like it's a work event that has happened regularly, I'd find a way to see some pictures or talk to another wife about what the usual attire is.    There may be a work culture that has everyone dressing a certain way.  

Edited May 5, 2022 by Wheres Toto

[QueenCat]

There isn't a dress code for the U.S. This is going to vary by region and the type of event. Usually, the invitation will you some clue.

White tie is extremely formal. More formal than black tie. Your husband will be in a tuxedo. This is an event when you should be "styled up." Floor length or very close to it (below the calves) is expected. If it were black tie, you would likely also see shorter but fancy dresses. Places like Nordstrom's have staff that can help you find a dress that fits your figure. 

[Lillyfee]

I did but everybody says something different. Most say it should be floor length but others said it's not required anymore.

I just know that every time lots of dresses are being marked as inappropriate by other wives 

My husband doesn't really know anything about the women dress code 

[QueenCat]

1 minute ago, Lillyfee said:

I did but everybody says something different. Most say it should be floor length but others said it's not required anymore.

I just know that every time lots of dresses are being marked as inappropriate by other wives 

My husband doesn't really know anything about the women dress code 

It is better to be overdressed than underdressed. 

[Katy]

If they said white tie, you need the long gown. 

[Lillyfee]

He will be in his uniform that looks like he just stepped out from the 1930s. So he knows exactly what he needs to wear 

It's a military ball. I just really dread going. 

[Sneezyone]

Floor length is expected. Will some ignore that anyway? Yes. Will they stand out, yes.

[HomeAgain]

4 minutes ago, Lillyfee said:

He will be in his uniform that looks like he just stepped out from the 1930s. So he knows exactly what he needs to wear 

It's a military ball. I just really dread going. 

Since it's a military ball, I will tell you that yes, the dress code will be.......you'll see a range.

How you look will also reflect on your husband, sad to say.  You will see what I mean when you get there.  I would definitely encourage you to find something classic and floor length.

 

FWIW, I kept exactly 3 dresses in my closet for events: a simple dark blue knee length, an origami dress that was a little longer, and a floor length light colored dress.  All three could be dressed up or down, but they were my go-tos for any events necessary.  (My dh worked in protocol for a while so it was not unusual for him to be tasked with several events throughout the year).

[mmasc]

Go floor length. For all the reasons already listed.  

[AmandaVT]

I wonder if something like Rent the Runway would work for you? Ordering a few dresses and renting one would be less expensive than buying something that you won't wear again. 

[Wheres Toto]

36 minutes ago, Lillyfee said:

He will be in his uniform that looks like he just stepped out from the 1930s. So he knows exactly what he needs to wear 

It's a military ball. I just really dread going. 

If it's military, I would definitely go with what Sneezyone and the other military wives say.  

[Lillyfee]

It's definitely good that I ask here because I mainly have friends from Europe and their reaction was "White tie? Is that still a thing? I would just go for whatever you want to wear."

[Lillyfee]

I was thinking about renting, too. I am just worried that I get a stain on some designer dress or rip it or something else crazy . I can be really clumsy.

[HomeAgain]

7 minutes ago, Lillyfee said:

I was thinking about renting, too. I am just worried that I get a stain on some designer dress or rip it or something else crazy . I can be really clumsy.

I would also suggest checking resale shops.  I paid $10 for my formal gown at the base thrift store.  It's moving season and formals often get tossed in family giveaway bins.

[mmasc]

If you have Amazon prime, there are a bunch of inexpensive dresses on there now where you can do free returns. You might need to have the length altered, but that might be worth it since the dress would be cheap. Or like @Wheres Toto said, you could go to Nordstrom and get a great fitting dress (but it’ll be much more expensive). If you live in a military town, you can also check thrift stores. I personally always have the best luck at department stores, like Dillard’s, Macy’s, etc. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

21 minutes ago, Lillyfee said:

I was thinking about renting, too. I am just worried that I get a stain on some designer dress or rip it or something else crazy . I can be really clumsy.

Rent the Runway covers that kind of stuff. I use them a lot.

the military is a whole different beast, IMO.  It seems to be very important what the wife/spouse wears.

[Lillyfee]

I was actually looking at amazon. I do have prime. I might just order some and see if one would be ok.

It's also already in 3 weeks. I just started bothering about it yesterday.

My husband and me we are both country people from a farm that grew up very simple and we are really not the people that know how to dress for stuff like that. I mean he does as he only has one option. 

We never went af5er our first year but I guess because he is longer in now they expect it at one point that he goes.

The reaction of my mom "Ball? What do you think what you guys are? Movie stars?"

My dad "Dont be like that. Let the kids go." (We are in our 30s) 

 

[Lillyfee]

That sounds good that they cover that stuff.

I am going to look into that.

[Lillyfee]

I heard that too that people look a lot what the women are wearing.

I think that is so silly.

My husband is a honest, hard working man and great at his job. We are married for 14 years without any drama and he was always faithful and good with us. That it should reflect him at all which dress I am wearing for one night is so weird. 

Obviously I am not going half naked to a dance but this strict dress code make me nervous.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, QueenCat said:

It is better to be overdressed than underdressed. 

Yeah - I was at one event, and I recall one women wearing a skimpy cocktail dress.  I felt bad for her - it was obvious she was extremely uncomfortable because the dress was very out of place.

1 hour ago, Lillyfee said:

He will be in his uniform that looks like he just stepped out from the 1930s. So he knows exactly what he needs to wear 

It's a military ball. I just really dread going. 

 - Military (which can be more rigid than what passes for "white tie" these days) - I would stick with floor or tea length.    As said - It's better to be overdressed than underdressed.    

Consider this as your part in your dh's job.

 

[Lillyfee]

What is tea length?

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

, an origami dress t

what is an Origami Dress?

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, Lillyfee said:

What is tea length?

lower-calf.  It's actually a formal afternoon dress.

and I take that back, I wouldn't wear a tea-length dress to a military ball.  Stick with floor length.

That your dh's superiors are telling him he needs to be going, indicates they like him.

[elegantlion]

I just ordered this for black tie optional wedding this summer. I'll have to have it hemmed, but it fits my curves. I don't this dress would work for white tie because the fabric is not dressy enough and too patterened, but the silhouette might. 

This same brand has a huge amount of options on Amazon that look more formal. 

This article has some idea on white tie options for women. 

If you can find pictures of previous events that might also help. 

[Lillyfee]

I love the dress 

If I find one like that a little bit more formal that would be a good option I think.

[Lillyfee]

I just really don't want any glitter or sequin on the dress and also no cut that shows the leg. 

I wonder if the shoulders need to be covered?  Would it be ok to show shoulders if you have a shawl or something to cover them during dinner? 

[lmrich]

If you have time, go to a store and try on several styles to get an idea of what you like and what you feel comfortable in. You can always order online but now you will have some base knowledge about what neckline or arm length flatters you.  Good news with a floor length gown you don't have to worry so much about shoes. 

[theelfqueen]

Ok it's a Mil Ball? There will be young wives dressed for Prom and some.of them.for.clubbing (they are the best part! Fun people watching) 

You can get away with a.cocktail dress, no problem. Yes white tie implies a.longer dress bit Mil.balls.have a variety of responses. Dress formally and avoid skimp and you will be ok. 

Edited May 5, 2022 by theelfqueen

[QueenCat]

22 minutes ago, Lillyfee said:

I just really don't want any glitter or sequin on the dress and also no cut that shows the leg. 

I wonder if the shoulders need to be covered?  Would it be ok to show shoulders if you have a shawl or something to cover them during dinner? 

Shoulders don't need to be covered for a military ball. 

[Lecka]

Ask your husband to find out what other women your age will be wearing.  

[El...]

I would say floor length, and just don't reveal any really deep crevices, in front or back. This one colonel's wife had a dress cut down to...wow...in back. She was absolutely gorgeous, but it wasn't dignified. A little cleavage is fine. Shoulders are perfectly fine.

You'll see variety. All the kind people try not to notice if someone doesn't quite fit the norm. 

[itsheresomewhere]

A friend of mine wears a tea length ( can’t wear floor length) and some very nice flats ( ( bad knees).  She says there will be a variety of all types of dresses.

[Sneezyone]

3 hours ago, Lillyfee said:

I heard that too that people look a lot what the women are wearing.

I think that is so silly.

My husband is a honest, hard working man and great at his job. We are married for 14 years without any drama and he was always faithful and good with us. That it should reflect him at all which dress I am wearing for one night is so weird. 

Obviously I am not going half naked to a dance but this strict dress code make me nervous.

Doesn’t matter. God bless it, I wore a floor length, ruched, red gown with a low V-neck, not scandalous, neckline back when my body was insane. DH was thrilled, lol, but  everyone else was very careful not to look too long or comment because it was…attractive, lol. In the photos of that night, every other woman in any picture we took was wearing black, dark blue, or gray. I kid you not. I’ll have to see if I can find an old pic because it was comedic how dour they looked. Not sure if you’re familiar with dining outs but they’re irreverent and crude by nature.

I’ve seen the occasional cream or emerald green…stunning but rare. It was totally appropriate for a dining out but Most people attending these things go for ‘blend in’. That’s never been my style. Even this dress (diff color), which is fairly conservative imo, was ‘noticed’.

Edited May 5, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Sneezyone]

58 minutes ago, elroisees said:

I would say floor length, and just don't reveal any really deep crevices, in front or back. This one colonel's wife had a dress cut down to...wow...in back. She was absolutely gorgeous, but it wasn't dignified. A little cleavage is fine. Shoulders are perfectly fine.

You'll see variety. All the kind people try not to notice if someone doesn't quite fit the norm. 

I’ve definitely seen too much crack too, of all kinds.

[Sneezyone]

2 hours ago, theelfqueen said:

Ok it's a Mil Ball? There will be young wives dressed for Prom and some.of them.for.clubbing (they are the best part! Fun people watching) 

You can get away with a.cocktail dress, no problem. Yes white tie implies a.longer dress bit Mil.balls.have a variety of responses. Dress formally and avoid skimp and you will be ok. 

The people watching is the best. At a white tie ball tho, there are fewer junior folks to provide entertainment. Holiday parties?! Buckle up!!

Edited May 5, 2022 by Sneezyone

[ScoutTN]

You will not go wrong with classic and floor length. 

[Sneezyone]

39 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

You will not go wrong with classic and floor length. 

The problem is that classic is in the eye of the beholder. Classic silhouettes in any color other than black will draw attention. When people say ‘classic’ they usually mean dark. Specificity and directness is particularly helpful to young spouses who haven’t attended many of these sorts of functions.

Edited May 5, 2022 by Sneezyone

[ScoutTN]

5 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

The problem is that classic is in the eye of the beholder. Classic silhouettes in any color will draw attention. When people say ‘classic’ they usually mean dark.

Classic cuts. Classy, not too revealing. 
Colors should depend partly on one's skin tone. I don't look good in dark colors next to my face  or in anything orangey. 

[wintermom]

You could embrace this opportunity to have some fun doing a completely different activity, while witnessing a new aspect of being married to your dh. 

Going forward with enthusiasm and a sense of fun might also help you feel less self-conscious and awkward (I'd probably feel this way, not sure if you would).  My only advice would be to wear shoes that you can walk in comfortably. They'll be hidden under the floor-length dress, presumably, and great shoes add so much for one's experience - both positive and negative. 

[Sneezyone]

25 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

Classic cuts. Classy, not too revealing. 
Colors should depend partly on one's skin tone. I don't look good in dark colors next to my face  or in anything orangey. 

Yeah, I don’t look good in dark colors either. I just know, based on what I’ve actually seen, that’s the norm so folks need to know that if they deviate from that they will stand out, regardless of the cut of the dress.

This was my Bahrain Navy Ball dress. You’d have thought I was a streetwalker. I am perfectly OK with the looks and judgment but others may not be. Intimating vs. being direct only helps those whose background knowledge helps them decode the subtleties.

Edited May 5, 2022 by Sneezyone

[HomeAgain]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

what is an Origami Dress?

I am sure there are other names for it, but it's a dress that can be worn about 20 different ways due to how it's constructed.  Mine has ruching on the sides and long lengths of fabric coming from the top.  It's meant to be a dressy-style rather than casual.  But I love it because it's also my go-to travel dress for things like cruises, where dressing up is expected but there isn't a lot of room in the suitcase. 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I am sure there are other names for it, but it's a dress that can be worn about 20 different ways due to how it's constructed.  Mine has ruching on the sides and long lengths of fabric coming from the top.  It's meant to be a dressy-style rather than casual.  But I love it because it's also my go-to travel dress for things like cruises, where dressing up is expected but there isn't a lot of room in the suitcase. 

It can also be called an Infinity dress.

[Lillyfee]

2 hours ago, wintermom said:

You could embrace this opportunity to have some fun doing a completely different activity, while witnessing a new aspect of being married to your dh. 

Going forward with enthusiasm and a sense of fun might also help you feel less self-conscious and awkward (I'd probably feel this way, not sure if you would).  My only advice would be to wear shoes that you can walk in comfortably. They'll be hidden under the floor-length dress, presumably, and great shoes add so much for one's experience - both positive and negative. 

I will try to do that and hope it will be fun.

I am afraid it will be awkward for me as I am not used to stuff like that at all. 

[wintermom]

11 minutes ago, Lillyfee said:

I will try to do that and hope it will be fun.

I am afraid it will be awkward for me as I am not used to stuff like that at all. 

No one is used to doing it until they actually start doing it. I'm sure you'll be great! What could possibly go wrong? 😉  Avoid wearing super high heels and you'll be just fine. 

 

Edited May 5, 2022 by wintermom

[gardenmom5]

 

2 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Classic cuts. Classy, not too revealing. 
Colors should depend partly on one's skin tone. I don't look good in dark colors next to my face  or in anything orangey. 

you might also ask if there are colors women shouldn't wear.   e.g. some places, women shouldn't wear a dress the same color as the military uniforms.

[El...]

2 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

Yeah, I don’t look good in dark colors either. I just know, based on what I’ve actually seen, that’s the norm so folks need to know that if they deviate from that they will stand out, regardless of the cut of the dress.

This was my Bahrain Navy Ball dress. You’d have thought I was a streetwalker. I am perfectly OK with the looks and judgment but others may not be. Intimating vs. being direct only helps those whose background knowledge helps them decode the subtleties.

I think that's gorgeous!

[mmasc]

Do you like something like this?

or this

or this

or this

These are examples of what I would wear to a military ball. (I can’t speak to these exact dresses as I haven’t bought them)These are just examples of what *I* like and feel good in, but I do think a PP nailed it when she said to go in and try some on in a store, even if you end up ordering online. I think it helps a TON to know what silhouette you look/feel good in.

ETA: for example, I know I do not look good in mermaid style dresses. I’ve tried them a million times but they just don’t work. I also don’t look good in smooth satin. I try to have some rouching, or layers of fabric. I also prefer halter or bare shoulders bc it is more flattering on me than other styles. A little bit of back showing works for me as well, but not big leg slits, etc etc etc. 

Edited May 5, 2022 by mmasc

[mmasc]

@Sneezyone The purple dress is stunning!

[stephanier.1765]

4 minutes ago, mmasc said:

Do you like something like this?

or this

or this

or this

These are examples of what I would wear to a military ball. (I can’t speak to these exact dresses as I haven’t bought them)These are just examples of what *I* like and feel good in, but I do think a PP nailed it when she said to go in and try some on in a store, even if you end up ordering online. I think it helps a TON to know what silhouette you look/feel good in.

I love your taste! Next time I'm in a situation like this, I'm asking you for advice.