Would you make this move?

[Condessa]

I hate the area that we live in, but dh's work has been really, really wonderful at making ds7's cancer care manageable.  My girls have finally made friends and settled in socially here.  I recently figured out that the deepest part of my loathing for this place has more to do with cancer coming to us here than with the things I dislike about this region.  Both of the places I would most love to live in are not options.  And as much as I detest it, I'm hesitant to move us to somewhere new that I may or may not like better, have the monumental task of moving ds's medical team, have to start over socially for the kids, still wouldn't have family support, and almost certainly wouldn't have as supportive of a work situation.  I feel trapped here, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that striking out for somewhere new doesn't make sense for our family.

That said, I have been thinking about a local move.  Dd13 wants to go to high school, and our schools are terrible.  We didn't really consider the schools when buying this house.  We were very satisfied homeschooling, but since having to balance it with the medical stuff, it is not so awesome.  They are still getting a good education, better than the public schools here, but it is not outstanding and creative and fun.  I don't have the time and energy to manage that anymore.  There are better public schools just a few miles away, including a small classical charter school that is pretty nearly what I would have designed for my kids.  But there's a state border we would have to move across, and even then it's a lottery to try to get in.  But if they don't get in the charter school lottery, the public schools are still better than here.  Housing is generally much more expensive, but there is a very interesting old house for sale that would be an option.  Generally dh and I look for very different things in a home, but we both took an interest in this one.  115 years old and beautiful, in pretty good condition, but we would need to put some work and money into installing heat/air and taking care of a few other things.  (It currently is heated with antique radiators, and only little window units for air.  3/4 of the year is either very hot or very cold here, and electricity is expensive.)  I'd love to eventually redo the kitchen into a craftsman style that would better fit the historical period of the home.  We'd have more space indoors and a yard that is a decent size for the middle of an older neighborhood in town, within walking range of a big park.  It would mean giving up the land and my pet goats.  I had a lot of plans for our .8 acre here, and learning to make goat cheese.  Honestly I would rather not take on the additional debt and go through the hassle of selling and moving unless it meant getting out of this region.  But if getting out isn't going to happen, maybe this is the best option.

[Laura Corin]

Just thinking things through - would fixing up the house be a big time burden for you, given how tied up you already are?

[Frances]

I would, but then again I live in an older home in the middle of a city within walking distance of everything, including all of the largest parks and several smaller ones. I can’t imagine living in the country and having to drive everywhere, especially for serious medical issues. Plus, it would seem that living in town would give your teens much more freedom and social opportunities as they get older without hopefully the need for more vehicles. My son never needed a car while living at home as he could walk, bike, or take public transportation everywhere. 
 

Just make sure you get thorough inspections and appraisal on the home so you know exactly what you are getting into. My husband can build or fix just about anything, so even our expenses for a complete remodel have been pretty reasonable. But our home will never be as energy efficient as a cookie cutter new suburban home. We have new neighbors who seem very in over their heads dealing with an older home given their finances, age, and lack of knowledge. When the first appraisal came in $100k less than their offer, they agreed to a new appraisal. I think the first appraiser was right and likely spotted that all of the recent work done by the investment owners was at the lowest level possible, as was the prior addition. Plus they still routinely have water in the basement.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Frances

[Condessa]

11 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Just thinking things through - would fixing up the house be a big time burden for you, given how tied up you already are?

Yes, it probably would be.  I might just be exchanging homeschooling time for house time if we moved and some of the kids went to school.

[Condessa]

10 minutes ago, Frances said:

I would, but then again I live in an older home in the middle of a city within walking distance of everything, including all of the largest parks and several smaller ones. I can’t imagine living in the country and having to drive everywhere, especially for serious medical issues.

This wouldn't actually save us driving for all the medical issues.  The specialists are in the big city 1.25 hours away.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Condessa

[Frances]

6 minutes ago, Condessa said:

This wouldn't actually save us driving to all the medical issues.  The specialists are in the big city 1.25 hours away.

Would it save on other driving? Our friends who live in the country have to drive to everything. Prior to the pandemic, they spent so much time driving their kids to activities and to see friends and in some cases to school. So many of the older people in our current neighborhood moved their from the country when their kids were middle school aged. They just didn’t see all of the driving as sustainable long term. Plus, having teens who can get places on their own without needing a vehicle is such a huge blessing. My son could even walk to the train station and take a train or bus to the nearby big city. So there was never anywhere he wanted or needed to be that he could not get to on his own.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Frances

[prairiewindmomma]

I would consider the move. Crossing the border changes your tax situation considerably. It relieves you of some of your homeschooling responsibilities. It relieves you of farm duties. I think whatever you can do to simplify your plate is good to consider.

[whitestavern]

Is there a private school within commuting distance for your D? That might be an easier and less expensive option. Old houses take a lot of time and money, and I say that as one who owns one! We are here 21 years and still have many projects we want/need to do. Dh does most of the work, but it’s also hard to find contractors. Most don’t want the work because it’s more involved/time consuming than the same work on a newer home.

[TechWife]

I would consider the move. If it’s a trade off between spending time homeschooling or spending time on house repair and the house repair is more advantageous, then at least time wise making that trade off seems reasonable. Now, house repairs will likely eat up some weekend time as well, so think about that. Many people enjoy that type of work and for them, it’s a fine way to spend weekends. You can pace yourself with how you prioritize different projects based on a variety of factors. 

Does the move allow your girls to maintain their social connections?

 

[lmrich]

Start with working with a real estate agent. She/he might have leads on houses that will be coming to the market. In other words.. go check out all your options before you make a decision. (I think an across town move can have lots of benefits for your family; an old home can quickly become a money pit and a major time suck)

[Condessa]

6 hours ago, Frances said:

Would it save on other driving? Our friends who live in the country have to drive to everything. Prior to the pandemic, they spent so much time driving their kids to activities and to see friends and in some cases to school. So many of the older people in our current neighborhood moved their from the country when their kids were middle school aged. They just didn’t see all of the driving as sustainable long term. Plus, having teens who can get places on their own without needing a vehicle is such a huge blessing. My son could even walk to the train station and take a train or bus to the nearby big city. So there was never anywhere he wanted or needed to be that he could not get to on his own.

Maybe a little, but not a significant change.  The kids could walk to the park and library and would hopefully make friends in the new town that could be within walking distance, but our one family of friends would still be about the same distance drive, and the others live just down the street from us and would become a drive.

[Condessa]

25 minutes ago, whitestavern said:

Is there a private school within commuting distance for your D? That might be an easier and less expensive option. Old houses take a lot of time and money, and I say that as one who owns one! We are here 21 years and still have many projects we want/need to do. Dh does most of the work, but it’s also hard to find contractors. Most don’t want the work because it’s more involved/time consuming than the same work on a newer home.

No.  The charter school would allow us to pay tuition to send her as a non-resident, but the cost is too much for us--especially considering that I think my others would want to go for high school, too, and I will have two or three high schoolers at a time.

[Starr]

I think it depends on how important the school situation is. I live in a grand old house that dh was going to renovate. 😉 I don't recommend this unless you really want to do it, have the money and aren't stressed by the hassles. Our dear friends moved 10-15 minute drive away many years ago. While we are still good friends it was never the same for any of us. We are also in the process of moving. Moving out of state is also a hassle. Everything has to be changed. You know, driver license, insurance and all the fun stuff. I'd think carefully if you have the bandwidth for all the change. It could end up great but it's not easy. Hugs to you.

[Condessa]

17 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Does the move allow your girls to maintain their social connections?

Yes.  That's a primary benefit over moving further in towards the big city where ds's medical care is.

[Drama Llama]

I loved so many things about homeschooling and my kids learned a ton, but having a place that is consistent and not impacted by illness has been really good for my kids.

[Condessa]

18 minutes ago, lmrich said:

Start with working with a real estate agent. She/he might have leads on houses that will be coming to the market. In other words.. go check out all your options before you make a decision. (I think an across town move can have lots of benefits for your family; an old home can quickly become a money pit and a major time suck)

We have been watching the market for quite a while.  It's very unlikely that we will find anything over there we can afford that doesn't need work, as dh is not at all interested in downsizing or going with a one bathroom.  Housing prices are significantly higher there, though property taxes are about half.

[KungFuPanda]

Are you sure this is about real estate and you’re not chasing the relative care-free feeling of life before the cancer diagnosis? That lightness of feeling invincible will never come back. I get it, because my family’s timeline is very divided between before and after the diagnosis. I can’t imagine adding the stress of constant renovations to a life with all of the medical obligations you’re juggling. Or moving for a school you might not get into. 
 

We’re a happy family, but we’ve been dealt a really rough hand with my son’s muscular dystrophy so there’s always a bit of a shadow there compared to before we knew. 

[Condessa]

12 minutes ago, Starr said:

I think it depends on how important the school situation is. I live in a grand old house that dh was going to renovate. 😉 I don't recommend this unless you really want to do it, have the money and aren't stressed by the hassles. Our dear friends moved 10-15 minute drive away many years ago. While we are still good friends it was never the same for any of us. We are also in the process of moving. Moving out of state is also a hassle. Everything has to be changed. You know, driver license, insurance and all the fun stuff. I'd think carefully if you have the bandwidth for all the change. It could end up great but it's not easy. Hugs to you.

Oh, this reminds me that I need to find out about state insurance if we were to move!  Our kids have secondary insurance through our state that works well with our private insurance to cover most of ds's medical costs.  I haven't yet checked whether the other state's coverage and eligibility are comparable.  That could be a deal breaker.

[Drama Llama]

1 minute ago, Condessa said:

Oh, this reminds me that I need to find out about state insurance if we were to move!  Our kids have secondary insurance through our state that works well with our private insurance to cover most of ds's medical costs.  I haven't yet checked whether the other state's coverage and eligibility are comparable.  That could be a deal breaker.

I would be very cautious about this.  

[Condessa]

8 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Are you sure this is about real estate and you’re not chasing the relative care-free feeling of life before the cancer diagnosis? That lightness of feeling invincible will never come back. I get it, because my family’s timeline is very divided between before and after the diagnosis. I can’t imagine adding the stress of constant renovations to a life with all of the medical obligations you’re juggling. Or moving for a school you might not get into. 
 

We’re a happy family, but we’ve been dealt a really rough hand with my son’s muscular dystrophy so there’s always a bit of a shadow there compared to before we knew. 

I think my desperate desire to go back to where we used to live is largely about wanting to return to before the diagnosis.  But a local move, no.  It still feels like being trapped in cancer land.

[J-rap]

I would consider the move.  That is, you can talk to a real estate agent, gather facts, figure out finances, etc.

I admit I'm partial to the home and situation you're thinking about;  that's the situation we raised our kids in and never regretted it.  We had originally considered buying property in the country and in the end bought a home built in 1912, in town, walking distance to almost everything our kids wanted to do. We homeschooled them but once they were in high school, they did a mix and were very involved in activities at the public school.  They could walk or bike to school, to their part-time job, to the local pool and tennis courts, etc.  We had our own family crisis that was a permanent change for us, so it was really helpful that our kids could get to where they needed to go independently of me. 

Once your kids are in high school, they'll probably be back and forth a lot to the school and activities.  That's a lot of work for the parents if you live in the country.  We knew plenty of families who did that, but they were absolutely committed to their land due to it being in the family for generations, making a living as full-time farmers, etc.  For us, the whole thing with all the driving back and forth as well as the upkeep of the land would have only gotten harder.

Maybe we were lucky with our home, but once we had the original changes done (it also had no AC, only fuel oil for heat, a leaky basement, 7 layers of wallpaper in every room, etc.) we never had a major problem, or barely even a minor problem, the entire 20+ years that we lived there.  

I just read the last comments about health insurance, and yes -- that could be a deal breaker and you need to be very careful about that.  We have a private state health insurance, but it will not cover anything in another state.  This is a deal breaker for us because regular health care is a necessity for my dh.

[J-rap]

3 minutes ago, Condessa said:

I think my desperate desire to go back to where we used to live is largely about wanting to return to before the diagnosis.  But a local move, no.  It still feels like being trapped in cancer land.

I wanted to say that I think a move to get away from a place that brings you so many sad memories is okay!  Whether it's this move or another one someday.  Even if the sad memories resulted in something permanent.  I don't think of it as running away from reality.  Sometimes, a change of location can make a big difference in one's spirit.  Like we have a fresh start in our new reality.  Breathe in new energy.  Our human brains are strange that way.

[Drama Llama]

I would figure out about the health insurance thing first.

I live in a similar area to you, in that there's a state line and multiple states in the same metro area.  As both the parent of a child who depended on Medicaid for enormous medical bills and as a special educator who works with kids with complex needs, I can tell you that the systems are entirely different, in terms of timelines, eligibility, and coverage.  

I think before investing time looking at specific houses, you need to figure out whether this is a realistic option.  

Here you'd have missed the timelines for applying to a charter.  If you haven't, missed them, could you apply as a tuition paying student and then move after a year if she likes it, and you want it for your other children?  Or would the tuition paying status not transition to free if you moved?
 

[Dmmetler]

3 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I would figure out about the health insurance thing first.

I live in a similar area to you, in that there's a state line and multiple states in the same metro area.  As both the parent of a child who depended on Medicaid for enormous medical bills and as a special educator who works with kids with complex needs, I can tell you that the systems are entirely different, in terms of timelines, eligibility, and coverage.  

I think before investing time looking at specific houses, you need to figure out whether this is a realistic option.  

Here you'd have missed the timelines for applying to a charter.  If you haven't, missed them, could you apply as a tuition paying student and then move after a year if she likes it, and you want it for your other children?  Or would the tuition paying status not transition to free if you moved?
 

Or could you apply, get in, and then move after that, but before fall? 

 

At one point, we considered a move to a different state for a specific school, and if they had a slot for L would have moved. Especially with schools that are not an automatic "if you live in zone you are admitted", it would stink to move first and then not get a spot. 

[ktgrok]

9 hours ago, Condessa said:

I hate the area that we live in, but dh's work has been really, really wonderful at making ds7's cancer care manageable.  My girls have finally made friends and settled in socially here.  I recently figured out that the deepest part of my loathing for this place has more to do with cancer coming to us here than with the things I dislike about this region.  Both of the places I would most love to live in are not options.  And as much as I detest it, I'm hesitant to move us to somewhere new that I may or may not like better, have the monumental task of moving ds's medical team, have to start over socially for the kids, still wouldn't have family support, and almost certainly wouldn't have as supportive of a work situation.  I feel trapped here, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that striking out for somewhere new doesn't make sense for our family.

That said, I have been thinking about a local move.  Dd13 wants to go to high school, and our schools are terrible.  We didn't really consider the schools when buying this house.  We were very satisfied homeschooling, but since having to balance it with the medical stuff, it is not so awesome.  They are still getting a good education, better than the public schools here, but it is not outstanding and creative and fun.  I don't have the time and energy to manage that anymore.  There are better public schools just a few miles away, including a small classical charter school that is pretty nearly what I would have designed for my kids.  But there's a state border we would have to move across, and even then it's a lottery to try to get in.  But if they don't get in the charter school lottery, the public schools are still better than here.  Housing is generally much more expensive, but there is a very interesting old house for sale that would be an option.  Generally dh and I look for very different things in a home, but we both took an interest in this one.  115 years old and beautiful, in pretty good condition, but we would need to put some work and money into installing heat/air and taking care of a few other things.  (It currently is heated with antique radiators, and only little window units for air.  3/4 of the year is either very hot or very cold here, and electricity is expensive.)  I'd love to eventually redo the kitchen into a craftsman style that would better fit the historical period of the home.  We'd have more space indoors and a yard that is a decent size for the middle of an older neighborhood in town, within walking range of a big park.  It would mean giving up the land and my pet goats.  I had a lot of plans for our .8 acre here, and learning to make goat cheese.  Honestly I would rather not take on the additional debt and go through the hassle of selling and moving unless it meant getting out of this region.  But if getting out isn't going to happen, maybe this is the best option.

It sounds like, if you whittle all that down, what you are left with is more land and goats (and the chores that go with land/livestock) vs less land, more indoors work as far as rennovation, and better school options. 

I think you need to clear out all the rest, as none of the rest really impacts this decision, and is likely clouding your thinking - all the 'I don't like the area, but other areas I like are not an option, but xyx, etc etc" obscures your view of the actual options you do have. Basically clear away the NOT possible options, and put them in another mental box, and just put the two options of "stay here" and "local move" on the table and look just at those. 

A LOT would depend on which would make you happier - kids in better highschool or land. And how much you like the house AS IS - because unless you have the money to redo stuff NOW, you will live iwth it as is for an unknown amount of time. If you hate the current kitchen, and can't afford to replace AC right away, don't do it. 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

53 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I would figure out about the health insurance thing first.

I live in a similar area to you, in that there's a state line and multiple states in the same metro area.  As both the parent of a child who depended on Medicaid for enormous medical bills and as a special educator who works with kids with complex needs, I can tell you that the systems are entirely different, in terms of timelines, eligibility, and coverage.  

I think before investing time looking at specific houses, you need to figure out whether this is a realistic option.  

Here you'd have missed the timelines for applying to a charter.  If you haven't, missed them, could you apply as a tuition paying student and then move after a year if she likes it, and you want it for your other children?  Or would the tuition paying status not transition to free if you moved?
 

This is true in our area as well. We have a medically complex child and we could not move across the border in any direction without losing the Medicaid system we pay to access but covers 100% of his considerable medical expenses after our private insurance -- not to mention additional state-level supports. 

Also - I will never again buy a house that needs considerable work. We did that 13 years ago and I'm still living with a lot of the things I hated about the house when we bought it. Combine 4 kids in 7 years, a medically fragile kiddo who spent more time in hospitals than home for a few years and general unhandiness and we didn't do the work we thought we'd do in order to get the house to our taste. We may move within our general vicinity but it doesn't make sense financially anymore to make upgrades that we won't get to enjoy. 

Edited February 6, 2022 by Insertcreativenamehere

[Condessa]

Aw, crud.  It looks like my kids wouldn't qualify for state secondary insurance in the other state.  That changes the math considerably.

[catz]

I would consider it. IF you can get the house livable before you move into it for the most part.  I wouldn't want to try to have a house under construction while you are dealing with busy kids going to school and a child that is undergoing cancer treatments a fair distance away.  If you suspect it's going to an ongoing project, I'd wait for the right house/set up/location.  

We live in a 1915 home in a walkable neighborhood.  I LOVE it.  But it is just ongoing work.  We have dozens of projects I hoped would be done by now but life gets in the way.  

One thing I was going to say is we have radiators in our house and were using air conditioner window units during the summer.  Which did stink, we'd hide in certain areas when it was warm.  A number of years ago we had a small duct high velocity AC put in and that has been fantastic.  So we still have radiators, I actually prefer the radiator heat to blown air.  But our whole house is cool in the summer and we didn't rip out radiators.  We looked at a number of options to get AC and that was the most reasonable.  

But anyway, if you need your kids to go to school, I think picking a less than ideal option if fine too if that is easiest right now during this season.  I think having engaged parents is really the most important thing for kids to be successful.  

[KungFuPanda]

1 hour ago, Condessa said:

I think my desperate desire to go back to where we used to live is largely about wanting to return to before the diagnosis.  But a local move, no.  It still feels like being trapped in cancer land.

Both of my kids were homeschooled for quite a while. I homeschooled DS k-12 and Dd K-8.  Dd is older. She chose to attend public high school. Having her high school within walking distance was a HUGE quality of life bonus. I did not have to plan DS’s homeschool co-ops, field trips, or marathon medical appointments around her school schedule or extra curriculars. I love being a short drive to Johns Hopkins for DS’s medical needs, but it can be a long day up there and they are perpetually behind schedule. 

I do get how much location effects your quality of life especially once you have teenagers who are out living their lives as much as they’re home. It’s a big shift away from the life of homeschooling k-8 kids. 

[katilac]

It sounds like the insurance may bar moving, but just in case:

One thing I haven't seen mentioned (but may have missed it): do the kids want to move? I wouldn't consider it if they don't, because "My girls have finally made friends and settled in socially here." It is much harder to keep up with old friends when you move than you might imagine, even a short-ish move, and they might be craving familiarity at this time.  

The schools in the other town, barring the charter they may or may not get into, don't sound great, they just sound not-quite-as-bad as your current district. Make sure you are looking specifically at what school would look like to your individual kids, not overall ratings and such. A school might have a D rating overall but could be a B or C school for particular kids. Also, take a long, hard look at the charter. Try to talk to people who have kids there. Sometimes what looks good on paper doesn't translate to reality. 

Think about what you personally mean when you say the schools are terrible. If it means the ACT scores are atrocious, does that hold true for the college-prep kids or is it because they have the entire school take it? If it means they don't offer good services for some things like ASD or dyslexia, do your kids need those services? If it means you've heard the students are out of control, can you figure out what is rumors and what is true? There are schools that are fairly terrible for every student, and there are schools that are doing a terrible job serving certain populations, but still do okay serving others. Sometimes, when there are a lot of other factors in play, good enough has to be good enough. 

I'd be reluctant to move, and no way would I take on the 115-year-old house. That is going to be hella work. If it doesn't have proper heating/air, then there are probably other things that need updating as well (bc that's what most people would do first). First things that come to mind are proper insulation, up-to-date electrical wiring and box, and plumbing. Even if all were changed at some point, even if they were changed twice, they could still be really old. I would want to see actual work papers on what was done, and not take the assurance of an agent or owner. And some old houses are just impossible to truly get up to modern code, and that's a deal breaker for me (for safety reasons). 

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

Or could you apply, get in, and then move after that, but before fall? 

You couldn't do that where I am; you have to live in that district to apply. 

OP, I personally would take a closer look at the local schools. Drill down to the details of what track/classes your own kids would be in, and see what that looks like. Talk to people who have kids in the school, taking their own goals and personalities into account. Ask to see what they are working on. Don't just listen to general chatter. Talk to teachers unofficially if possible (like acquaintances), talk to the counselor about what 

I would give my kids a lot of say at high school age, and particularly with stressors at home. A mediocre high school might be the best choice. If the school would make it hard for them to reach certain goals they have, talk honestly about that, and what can and can't be done, but don't automatically assume that a good student can't do well at a school because it doesn't offer calculus or AP classes, kwim? 

[matrips]

If you really don’t want to move, and the process and the new home would be more expensive, then what about a private school?  Are there any of those around?  And you could put the money into that and stay where you are. It’s only 4 years of high school, right? It could be cheaper in the long run.

[KungFuPanda]

Make sure the advice you’re getting about your local schools doesn’t come exclusively from homeschoolers. Homeschoolers are my people and I love them, but I valued their opinions too much and the transition to high school was harder than it had to be. To clarify, it was emotionally difficult for me to make the decision to allow it. It was a breeze for my daughter and she had an amazing high school career. Even though I knew we were in a good school district, I let those voices get to me without having first hand experience or opposing voices to balance them. 

[Condessa]

4 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I would figure out about the health insurance thing first.

I live in a similar area to you, in that there's a state line and multiple states in the same metro area.  As both the parent of a child who depended on Medicaid for enormous medical bills and as a special educator who works with kids with complex needs, I can tell you that the systems are entirely different, in terms of timelines, eligibility, and coverage.  

I think before investing time looking at specific houses, you need to figure out whether this is a realistic option.  

Here you'd have missed the timelines for applying to a charter.  If you haven't, missed them, could you apply as a tuition paying student and then move after a year if she likes it, and you want it for your other children?  Or would the tuition paying status not transition to free if you moved?
 

 

3 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Or could you apply, get in, and then move after that, but before fall? 

 

At one point, we considered a move to a different state for a specific school, and if they had a slot for L would have moved. Especially with schools that are not an automatic "if you live in zone you are admitted", it would stink to move first and then not get a spot. 

We haven’t missed the charter deadline.  Sign up for the lottery is by March 1st.  We could apply as non-residents and then move to transition to free, but the chances of getting in as non-residents is significantly lower, as they give priority to residents.

The secondary insurance makes a huge difference, though.  About $12k more in medical costs per year, until dh’s career progression puts our kids out of eligibility for our current state insurance anyway.  That’s hard to predict when that might happen, but maybe 5 to 8 years.

[sassenach]

34 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Make sure the advice you’re getting about your local schools doesn’t come exclusively from homeschoolers. Homeschoolers are my people and I love them, but I valued their opinions too much and the transition to high school was harder than it had to be. To clarify, it was emotionally difficult for me to make the decision to allow it. It was a breeze for my daughter and she had an amazing high school career. Even though I knew we were in a good school district, I let those voices get to me without having first hand experience or opposing voices to balance them. 

This. Also, I live in a district with mediocre high schools if you just look at the internet, but the real life experience has been good. Perfect? No, it's still public school, but full of everything I hoped they would get out of high school. 

Having a medically complex kid, I would never buy a house that needed significant work. It's not worth it. I need something in my life to work the way it's supposed to without constant effort. 

 

[Condessa]

3 hours ago, ktgrok said:

It sounds like, if you whittle all that down, what you are left with is more land and goats (and the chores that go with land/livestock) vs less land, more indoors work as far as rennovation, and better school options. 

I think you need to clear out all the rest, as none of the rest really impacts this decision, and is likely clouding your thinking - all the 'I don't like the area, but other areas I like are not an option, but xyx, etc etc" obscures your view of the actual options you do have. Basically clear away the NOT possible options, and put them in another mental box, and just put the two options of "stay here" and "local move" on the table and look just at those. 

A LOT would depend on which would make you happier - kids in better highschool or land. And how much you like the house AS IS - because unless you have the money to redo stuff NOW, you will live iwth it as is for an unknown amount of time. If you hate the current kitchen, and can't afford to replace AC right away, don't do it. 

 

3 hours ago, catz said:

I would consider it. IF you can get the house livable before you move into it for the most part.  I wouldn't want to try to have a house under construction while you are dealing with busy kids going to school and a child that is undergoing cancer treatments a fair distance away.  If you suspect it's going to an ongoing project, I'd wait for the right house/set up/location.  

We live in a 1915 home in a walkable neighborhood.  I LOVE it.  But it is just ongoing work.  We have dozens of projects I hoped would be done by now but life gets in the way.  

One thing I was going to say is we have radiators in our house and were using air conditioner window units during the summer.  Which did stink, we'd hide in certain areas when it was warm.  A number of years ago we had a small duct high velocity AC put in and that has been fantastic.  So we still have radiators, I actually prefer the radiator heat to blown air.  But our whole house is cool in the summer and we didn't rip out radiators.  We looked at a number of options to get AC and that was the most reasonable.  

But anyway, if you need your kids to go to school, I think picking a less than ideal option if fine too if that is easiest right now during this season.  I think having engaged parents is really the most important thing for kids to be successful.  

We could probably afford to do the heat/air right away, because we’ve been saving up to do the yard, here, and that savings would cover most of it.  That and a small repair on the basement steps would make the house comfortably livable.  Updating the awkward-but-functional kitchen and other projects would be longer term desires, but not needs.

[Condessa]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

It sounds like the insurance may bar moving, but just in case:

One thing I haven't seen mentioned (but may have missed it): do the kids want to move? I wouldn't consider it if they don't, because "My girls have finally made friends and settled in socially here." It is much harder to keep up with old friends when you move than you might imagine, even a short-ish move, and they might be craving familiarity at this time.  

The schools in the other town, barring the charter they may or may not get into, don't sound great, they just sound not-quite-as-bad as your current district. Make sure you are looking specifically at what school would look like to your individual kids, not overall ratings and such. A school might have a D rating overall but could be a B or C school for particular kids. Also, take a long, hard look at the charter. Try to talk to people who have kids there. Sometimes what looks good on paper doesn't translate to reality. 

Think about what you personally mean when you say the schools are terrible. If it means the ACT scores are atrocious, does that hold true for the college-prep kids or is it because they have the entire school take it? If it means they don't offer good services for some things like ASD or dyslexia, do your kids need those services? If it means you've heard the students are out of control, can you figure out what is rumors and what is true? There are schools that are fairly terrible for every student, and there are schools that are doing a terrible job serving certain populations, but still do okay serving others. Sometimes, when there are a lot of other factors in play, good enough has to be good enough. 

I'd be reluctant to move, and no way would I take on the 115-year-old house. That is going to be hella work. If it doesn't have proper heating/air, then there are probably other things that need updating as well (bc that's what most people would do first). First things that come to mind are proper insulation, up-to-date electrical wiring and box, and plumbing. Even if all were changed at some point, even if they were changed twice, they could still be really old. I would want to see actual work papers on what was done, and not take the assurance of an agent or owner. And some old houses are just impossible to truly get up to modern code, and that's a deal breaker for me (for safety reasons). 

You couldn't do that where I am; you have to live in that district to apply. 

OP, I personally would take a closer look at the local schools. Drill down to the details of what track/classes your own kids would be in, and see what that looks like. Talk to people who have kids in the school, taking their own goals and personalities into account. Ask to see what they are working on. Don't just listen to general chatter. Talk to teachers unofficially if possible (like acquaintances), talk to the counselor about what 

I would give my kids a lot of say at high school age, and particularly with stressors at home. A mediocre high school might be the best choice. If the school would make it hard for them to reach certain goals they have, talk honestly about that, and what can and can't be done, but don't automatically assume that a good student can't do well at a school because it doesn't offer calculus or AP classes, kwim? 

 

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

Make sure the advice you’re getting about your local schools doesn’t come exclusively from homeschoolers. Homeschoolers are my people and I love them, but I valued their opinions too much and the transition to high school was harder than it had to be. To clarify, it was emotionally difficult for me to make the decision to allow it. It was a breeze for my daughter and she had an amazing high school career. Even though I knew we were in a good school district, I let those voices get to me without having first hand experience or opposing voices to balance them. 

 

28 minutes ago, sassenach said:

This. Also, I live in a district with mediocre high schools if you just look at the internet, but the real life experience has been good. Perfect? No, it's still public school, but full of everything I hoped they would get out of high school. 

Having a medically complex kid, I would never buy a house that needed significant work. It's not worth it. I need something in my life to work the way it's supposed to without constant effort. 

The high school in our town has a reputation for bullying, though I’ve heard from a (elementary) teacher friend in the district that they’ve been making a lot of progress on improving that situation.  A few families we know have done the district transfer process to send their kids to school in the town south of here, which is supposed to be a bit better academically but have a much better school environment.  As far as academics, the schools have some good programs for agricultural science and auto repair, but if you want to take a math class beyond algebra 2 you can get dual enrollment credit for taking it at the community college, if you are an upper classman and at least 16.  (My petite 13-year-old could easily pass as 11 and is taking AOPS Intro to Algebra B this year.  I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending her to the cc even if they would allow it.)

I spoke to a counselor at the middle school a year ago when I was overwhelmed and considering enrolling the kids in school.  I asked if it would be possible to do something outside the normal sequence for a kid who had already completed the math they offered there, even if it meant me providing an alternate curriculum or transportation to the high school for a certain class.  She said no, but I could try asking the principal for special permission to allow her to (re)take prealgebra as a seventh grader instead of the normal eighth grade.  She  didn’t know if they would be willing to do that, though, as dd then wouldn’t have any math to take in eighth grade.  Maybe I should try again with the high schools, but it was pretty discouraging.

Dh thinks it will be fine if we send them to school, they learn nothing but get good grades to get into college.  But there’s more purpose to the high school years than just having social experiences and getting into college.  

[Condessa]

2 hours ago, matrips said:

If you really don’t want to move, and the process and the new home would be more expensive, then what about a private school?  Are there any of those around?  And you could put the money into that and stay where you are. It’s only 4 years of high school, right? It could be cheaper in the long run.

Yes and no.  When dd13 starts high school, we will start nine consecutive years of having high schoolers, the middle five of which we will have two or three at a time.  There isn’t a private school that’s an option, but going to the charter as tuition-paying students might be possible.  It would cost less to pay tuition for one kid than to lose the secondary insurance.  That would be about the same as tuition for two kids.

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Condessa said:

The high school in our town has a reputation for bullying, though I’ve heard from a (elementary) teacher friend in the district that they’ve been making a lot of progress on improving that situation.  A few families we know have done the district transfer process to send their kids to school in the town south of here, which is supposed to be a bit better academically but have a much better school environment.  As far as academics, the schools have some good programs for agricultural science and auto repair, but if you want to take a math class beyond algebra 2 you can get dual enrollment credit for taking it at the community college, if you are an upper classman and at least 16.  (My petite 13-year-old could easily pass as 11 and is taking AOPS Intro to Algebra B this year.  I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending her to the cc even if they would allow it.)

I spoke to a counselor at the middle school a year ago when I was overwhelmed and considering enrolling the kids in school.  I asked if it would be possible to do something outside the normal sequence for a kid who had already completed the math they offered there, even if it meant me providing an alternate curriculum or transportation to the high school for a certain class.  She said no, but I could try asking the principal for special permission to allow her to (re)take prealgebra as a seventh grader instead of the normal eighth grade.  She  didn’t know if they would be willing to do that, though, as dd then wouldn’t have any math to take in eighth grade.  Maybe I should try again with the high schools, but it was pretty discouraging.

Dh thinks it will be fine if we send them to school, they learn nothing but get good grades to get into college.  But there’s more purpose to the high school years than just having social experiences and getting into college.  

Okay, let go of whatever you were told at the middle school, that has nothing to do with the high school. 

I'd worry about bullying when it becomes an issue for my kids. It may never even come up. 

What does dd want to do? If she wants to go the local high school, and things are stressful at home, I'd give that a lot of weight. 

Before taking the word of a counselor or even principal, do your research. Some people will tell you that no accommodations will be made, but the law or state regulations might say otherwise.  

I would do as much research as possible before even talking with anyone at the school. Both into the rules and into people's personal experiences. Here are a few things I have heard of that have worked for people whose kids attend schools without higher level classes: 

Sometimes the state has remote classes that students can access at the local school. I can't think of the exact wording, but it's about offering equal access. 

Students can sometimes take outside remote courses at the local school, either during study hall or just taking a more advanced class when they would normally be in a lower level math. There is occasionally funding for this, but I'd assume you'd have to pay for it. 

The outside courses are sometimes done on an unofficial basis; that is, the student signs up for them on their own and doesn't get credit from their official high school (but you could send in a transcript for them). This can be quite manageable for a kid who has a light schedule at school (minimum credits, maximum study halls, the classes they have are pretty easy). 

Some teachers will make unofficial accommodations, and sensibly allow a student to work on precalc instead of algebra during class. 

Even if she has a full schedule, she should be able to take on at least one outside class per semester if that schedule is all easy and below level. If she has one or more study halls, she could do more. Then she could take 1-2 or possibly even more classes over the summer, and maybe the occasional high-interest short-term class. 

I am normally a person who sees a lot of negatives in having a student in a school with low expectations, but her social needs, and the need to escape what is inescapable stress at home, would weigh in favor here. I would ask her what she is willing to do in order to attend. It won't meet your academic needs, so are you willing to take extra classes as needed? 

If the school is as low level as you think it is, she might well be able to get big chunks of outside work done even while in other classes, even without official accommodations. Even if she can only do one full-time outside course during the school year, she can do 1-2 each summer and wind up with 8-12 'good' credits. That, along with good ACT scores, is going to get her into plenty of colleges. 

Oh, one more idea: everyone also assumes that CC is the one and only choice for dual enrollment, but that's not the case. both of my kids started DE on the main campus of a university in junior year. They went in person, but there are at least 2 uni's in my state that offer DE online. I cannot overstate the need for research! But it's perfectly fine to put your dd in charge of the research, lol. 

[KungFuPanda]

3 hours ago, sassenach said:

This. Also, I live in a district with mediocre high schools if you just look at the internet, but the real life experience has been good. Perfect? No, it's still public school, but full of everything I hoped they would get out of high school. 

Having a medically complex kid, I would never buy a house that needed significant work. It's not worth it. I need something in my life to work the way it's supposed to without constant effort. 

 

I’m at the point where I don’t trust schools that have zero bullying problems and the highest test scores. They often do this by trying to keep poor kids out, limiting diversity, and sweeping behavioral issues under the rug. . . all to protect their ‘rating.’  It’s gross. Any school that is full of relatively privileged kids is going to have higher test scores. That doesn’t mean any individual student is getting a better education than they would at a nearby school with more diversity and a more transparent discipline policy. 

[Clemsondana]

Not much advice, but locally I've heard horror stories about bullying...but, the vast majority of kids that we know who go to public school have a reasonably good experience.  My older (homeschooled kid) plays on one of the public school sports teams and enjoys it and the kids.  And, if the friends who live within walking distance are close, a drive of even 10-15 minutes is likely to change they way that the kids interact.  It doesn't seem like it should, but in my experience it usually does.  

I'm sympathetic to the feeling of hating part of life and feeling like a change, any change, would be an improvement.  Sometimes a specific change can improve the flow of life dramatically, but sometimes it's just adding a lot of work without making much difference in the underlying situation.  I read something recently musing about people doing renovations on a house and then getting divorced soon afterwards - the point being, they knew that something needed fixing, but the kitchen and bathrooms weren't their main problem.  You've got a lot of balls to juggle so I think my biggest thought would be whether a move would improve life for all/most of the people in your family.  What would their individual school pathways look like?  We had heard about how hard it was to play public school sports as a homeschooler, but the principal at our zoned school was awesome.  I had read about how hard AP testing was to find...until somebody told me about a private school that is open to homeschoolers.  You might find that if you talk to the principal where your kids would attend, or maybe their math teachers, that there are accommodations that could be made but you'll have to ask directly to know.  There may be other kids in the a smilar situation.  I was in a math class with 2 other kids at one point, and at another point 5 of us basically did indpendent study.  There might be a way to get your kids most of what they need.  Would they go to school with the friends down the street or do they have other friends who go to their zones school?  That can make a difference and also would give you more info about the school. 

[katilac]

Also, don't forget to start the conversation with, "My kids and their FANTASTIC TEST SCORES are interested in your school." 

[Drama Llama]

I think that you have to keep in mind that math is one subject.  To go from, my kid would benefit from supplementing math outside of school for 2 out of 4 years, to my kid wouldn't learn anything is a pretty big jump.  

 

[Ottakee]

The insurance piece is huge.

Also, is there a chance your little one with cancer will need a wheelchair accessible house at some point?  

Is public transportation a thing in either area?  If so, how easy is it to get use?

As a mom of 3 with special needs, there is just so much that goes into these considerations.....even county by county there can be differences in services.