Can you "put on a smile"?

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, TechWife said:

I’ve found that the higher you go, the more honesty there is, but the people are incredibly skilled communicators and can deliver information and opinions in a classy way. That’s businesses though & not politics. That’s an environment without comparison, I think. I couldn’t deal with it. 

True that. It doesn’t always come with curse words but the message is crystal clear.

[fairfarmhand]

Yep. 

I don;t know anything about the rest of the US, but I do know that Southern women are amazing at this. 

[TechWife]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Yep. 

I don;t know anything about the rest of the US, but I do know that Southern women are amazing at this. 

It’s a survival skill. 

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, TechWife said:

It’s a survival skill. 

Ooohhh, excellent framing.

[Garga]

3 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

No, it's not. My bosses have appreciated my frankness precisely because so many are willing to tell them what they want to hear and not what they need to know. Unpleasant realities can be delivered frankly and without offense. I will say that my experience is in politics/government where shining people on is common and frankness is unexpected and, often, refreshing. I've had people ask me, directly, about my reasons for leaving a job (the boss) where I explained in abstract terms that there was nothing they could do to make me stay working for that man. The man was later fired. This is a thing. When I met with Gov. Beebe and he asked me about our project (re: misrepresentations and collusion between industry and his high-level apppointees), I related what I knew and he grinned from ear to ear (it was a GOOD day!). Seriously, the higher you go, the less honesty there is. I feel like men don't share these concerns for propriety and manners. They routinely act like jack holes with impunity at work. Doing it in less subtle ways as a woman is no different in terms of gaining respect and credibility. 

I don’t see this as what the OP is talking about at all.  Putting on a happy face isn’t the same as not being frank.

The OP is talking about someone having a personal bad day and then spewing all their negative emotions onto everyone else. That has nothing to do with frankly and honestly providing feedback on an issue. 

If I had a fight with my husband before work, I’m not going to go in and snap at my coworkers or burst into tears or answer the phone with a snotty attitude. If I had a fight with my husband before work, I’m going to give my coworkers a smile and say Good Morning, I’m going to keep my tears to myself (maybe a stall in the bathroom if it’s really bad), and I”m going to be polite and helpful to the callers. 

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

I don’t see this as what the OP is talking about at all.  Putting on a happy face isn’t the same as not being frank.

The OP is talking about someone having a personal bad day and then spewing all their negative emotions onto everyone else. That has nothing to do with frankly and honestly providing feedback on an issue. 

If I had a fight with my husband before work, I’m not going to go in and snap at my coworkers or burst into tears or answer the phone with a snotty attitude. If I had a fight with my husband before work, I’m going to give my coworkers a smile and say Good Morning, I’m going to keep my tears to myself (maybe a stall in the bathroom if it’s really bad), and I”m going to be polite and helpful to the callers. 

That’s not what OP said so that’s all I had to go by. No, it’s not right to spew angst onto unsuspecting /undeserving peeps.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Sneezyone]

3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I see it as being professional.  I can be professional in personal relationships as well as in a work setting.  This doesn't mean necessarily hiding my inner most thoughts or emotions but I don't feel the need to let those all hang out at all times either..  There is a time and place for sharing those thoughts and emotions. 

Professionalism doesn’t require fakery. When I worked in Hawaii, I had a public person call me and complain that the city wasn’t doing what she wanted for her monkey pod tree. She paraded me, cursed at me, and I was calm. At the end of her tirade m, I told her that I appreciated her concerns, would refer the issue to other parties and unceremoniously ended the call. There were zero repercussions as a result. You seriously don’t get to be an ass to people doing their jobs.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Tree Frog]

4 hours ago, plaidpants said:

I am a very shy, reserved person who used to work a public facing informal education job.

I have a persona for that. Depending on which assignment it is, sometimes I'd drawl more or use particular stories and movements.

I have one for "family gathering" too. Or like "work, and I have to be social".

This is what my dd did when she worked at Chipotle. She called herself "Customer Service First Name" and had the drawl and bless your heart attitude nailed. Then, when Customer Service First Name wasn't needed, she went back to her normal, introverted self. She said her co workers used to comment about how different her regular personality was from her Customer Service personality. She usually didn't have any problems with dissatisfied customers.

[happi duck]

33 minutes ago, Garga said:

I don’t see this as what the OP is talking about at all.  Putting on a happy face isn’t the same as not being frank.

The OP is talking about someone having a personal bad day and then spewing all their negative emotions onto everyone else. That has nothing to do with frankly and honestly providing feedback on an issue. 

If I had a fight with my husband before work, I’m not going to go in and snap at my coworkers or burst into tears or answer the phone with a snotty attitude. If I had a fight with my husband before work, I’m going to give my coworkers a smile and say Good Morning, I’m going to keep my tears to myself (maybe a stall in the bathroom if it’s really bad), and I”m going to be polite and helpful to the callers. 

Thanks for understanding.

This thread went a bit sideways and I feel misunderstood.

I am genuinely not talking about being fake or not being frank or survival mode.  I mean being able to choose to change your demeanor if you want to for any host of good reasons.

[Sneezyone]

8 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Thanks for understanding.

This thread went a bit sideways and I feel misunderstood.

I am genuinely not talking about being fake or not being frank or survival mode.  I mean being able to choose to change your demeanor if you want to for any host of good reasons.

Sorry. Your words didn’t match the intent. Yea, Code-switching is a thing. It’s not new.  Most people do it without thinking.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Faith-manor]

5 hours ago, happi duck said:

I wasn't sure how to phrase this.  What I mean is can you, when needed, change your demeanor?  For example, I record lessons for my job.  If I'm feeling lousy I can still put on a smile and use a pleasant voice in order to get my recording done.  My late mom could be in the middle of chaos but if the phone needed to be answered she answered with a pleasant "hello?". If I'm having a panic attack dd can choose to speak calmly to me.

Is this a super power that the women in my family possess? Lol!

I thought most people can do this when needed but dh says he literally can't.  

BTW, I don't mean denying emotions or faking it through life.  I mean short term ability to respond in a way that is a little more up or light compared to how you feel. 

 

 

Yes.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Pam in CT]

"Code-switching" is indeed a good frame. 

And the original context of "code-switching" as a term did speak to a form of/ aspect of survival skills. 

[happi duck]

18 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Sorry. Your words didn’t match the intent. Yea, Code-switching is a thing. It’s not new.  Most people do it without thinking.

Welp.  Alrighty then.

I know about code switching and that's a way bigger concept than what I'm talking about.

I think I was pretty clear about not knowing how to phrase what I was asking about.

Looking back at my op I just can't imagine how you get to "didn't match the intent" and *frankly* this feels mean-spirited.

[Ausmumof3]

Most of the time.  Sometimes probably more successfully than others. I don’t buy that men can’t they just haven’t been used to having to do it as much. They certainly can in situations that require it.

this is quite topical down here right now because of Grace Tame.

[marbel]

@happi duckI think your OP was clear. 

I read it to my daughter and she told me how she used to marvel at the way I could be in the middle of something awful but pick up the phone and say hello in a nice calm voice, sounding as if all was right with the world. 

[Sneezyone]

11 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Welp.  Alrighty then.

I know about code switching and that's a way bigger concept than what I'm talking about.

I think I was pretty clear about not knowing how to phrase what I was asking about.

Looking back at my op I just can't imagine how you get to "didn't match the intent" and *frankly* this feels mean-spirited.

Yeah, there’s nothing mean spirited about it, it’s my observation. Which goes back to people, women in particular, viewing *any* critique, no matter how benign, as hostile or of ill-intent. It’s not. It’s just not. Different interpretations do not equal malintent.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Sneezyone

[happi duck]

4 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Yeah, there’s nothing mean spirited about it, it’s my observation. Which goes back to people, women in particular, viewing *any* critique, no matter how benign, as hostile or of ill-intent. It’s not. It’s just not. Different interpretations do not equal malintent.

Consider saying "that's not how I understood your op" instead of "your words didn't match the intent".  I literally said "I wasn't sure how to phrase this" and gave examples that weren't woman being doormats etc.

Your comments do feel mean and not benign.  I feel like you are willfully misunderstanding. 

Of course everyone has their own interpretation, opinion etc.  That doesn't mean I can't say  your comments feel mean-spirited.

[katilac]

I will replace my ambiguous dot with an explanation that I accidentally posted nonsense letters and then couldn't delete the post. 

And, while I'm at it, yes, I can change my demeanor pretty well but I do need a minute or two sometimes. I am less talented at instant reactions (no poker face). 

I also think men change their demeanor at work, for sure. I think they probably do it less than women do with co-workers, but just as often with clients and such. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by katilac

[Sneezyone]

Not worth it. Consider adding JAWM.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Indigo Blue]

.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Jean in Newcastle]

4 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Happi duck, I really am interested in your question. I want to be sure I do understand. And it’s not because I think you didn’t explain it well. Probably just me….anyway, can you think of another example? What about a mother who is raging at her children and then the phone rings and she answers and her entire demeanor immediately changes and she tries to act as if she had been joyfully happy all day along as she laughs and jokes with her friend? Is that it? Or is it more like someone had a misunderstanding at home and after arguing with family or whatever, now goes to work and is easily able to switch off and do her job with a happy face even though she is still angry inside? Those two scenarios are a bit different. The first seems more like a cover up or an act. The second seems more like someone just putting a professional face on when they are sad or mad inside and doing their job anyway. Anyway, I just want to be sure I’m thinking on this in the way you’re asking because it’s an interesting question. 

I’m not the OP but your examples seem strange to me. I have never “raged” at my kids. (I have lost my temper but it doesn’t fit the uncontrolled scenario that I imagine with the word “rage”. ). I wouldn’t see my keeping my temper with someone else (who did nothing to me) to be two-faced. Though honestly, with a close friend I would probably confide in them if my kids were young. With older kids I wouldn’t because I consider that to be betraying their privacy. 

[fraidycat]

Yes, I am able to shift my energy/voice/demeanor to be more pleasant to answer a phone or "be in public", physically or virtually.

Although, I don't really need to as much anymore. My default tends to be more pleasant and kind most of the time no matter where I am - I've worked on it for years! Though, I still have my moments.

[Katy]

8 hours ago, MEmama said:

Yes. I think women in particular are trained early to do this. We are expected to perform. 
 

I have never, ever seen a man fake “smileiness”. If they are mad, they seem mad. If they are ambivalent, they come off that way. A woman who appears merely neutral is labeled a bitch, the same is not true for a man. 

DH used to fake unhappy all the time. He used to call it "management face" before he switched to calling it "resting asshole face."  He must be happier now because I rarely notice it anymore, but for the first several years of our marriage he'd make this face whenever he zoned out and I'd ask why he was angry.  It seemed to be completely out of context of whatever the situation was.  He'd say he'd just gotten used to staring at people on the line and using the scary face for work.

At the same time, the company he worked for when I first met him had an environment that at best I would describe as abusive. The only other place I've ever heard of being so awful was Vietnam-era military.

[SKL]

I have learned how to do it.  Basically I turn off my usual analytic mode and turn on a lighthearted shallow mode, and this "other me" smiles easily.  I guess I learned this for the purpose of maintaining friendships with people who like chick flicks.  😛  I mean nobody wants to hear all the things I found stupid about the movie.  Just laugh at the stupid like everyone else does.

[SKL]

I also do the opposite when I really need someone to hear me seriously.  I've had people ask me why I'm angry ... I'm not angry at all, I just need the other person to actually hear and register and act on what I'm saying, which is about 20% as likely if I say it in my normal voice.

[Clarita]

Yes I think I'm pretty good at it. What I am horrible at is the opposite, which is to have people take me seriously; I need a "resting asshole face". 

[popmom]

@regentrude are you teaching post secondary? I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

[regentrude]

6 hours ago, popmom said:

@regentrude are you teaching post secondary? I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

Yep. At a 4 year STEM uni. That's the irony. These students should know better. But when the state leadership makes masking a political issue....It is REALLY hard to keep smiling 

[popmom]

9 hours ago, regentrude said:

Yep. At a 4 year STEM uni. That's the irony. These students should know better. But when the state leadership makes masking a political issue....It is REALLY hard to keep smiling 

How incredibly frustrating. We haven’t had any statewide mask mandates in a long time, but our universities have very strict mask mandates in place. 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, popmom said:

How incredibly frustrating. We haven’t had any statewide mask mandates in a long time, but our universities have very strict mask mandates in place. 

we are a public uni and not allowed to have a mask mandate by our governor and his board of curators .
The Attorney General in our state is suing school districts over their mask mandates, and is suing health departments to force them to cease quarantine and contact tracing. Cause he wants to run for senate and thinks that will endear him to his voters.
Greetings from deep inside freedumb land.
 

Edited January 28, 2022 by regentrude

[popmom]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

we are a public uni and not allowed to have a mask mandate by our governor and his board of curators .
The Attorney General in our state is suing school districts over their mask mandates, and is suing health departments to force them to cease quarantine and contact tracing. Cause he wants to run for senate and thinks that will endear him to his voters.
Greetings from deep inside freedumb land.
 

That’s crazy. I am angry with you. I absolutely detest how political this has become. Our governor is R, but has handled all this better than I expected honestly. 

[Garga]

18 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I’m not the OP but your examples seem strange to me. I have never “raged” at my kids. (I have lost my temper but it doesn’t fit the uncontrolled scenario that I imagine with the word “rage”. ). I wouldn’t see my keeping my temper with someone else (who did nothing to me) to be two-faced. Though honestly, with a close friend I would probably confide in them if my kids were young. With older kids I wouldn’t because I consider that to be betraying their privacy. 

Well, the person you’re responding to had a mother who raged at her children. So, I wouldn’t doubt that she’s speaking from experience at seeing her mother raging and then picking up the phone and talking sweet as a kitten, much to the trauma of her children.