S/O Bringing food to events and food allergies

[Spryte]

I never know how to handle this perfectly — there isn’t a handbook for this kind of thing! Reading the other thread is making me feel stressed though, because I hate to be the family not pulling its weight.

It has me thinking about how we handle bringing food to events and allergies. How would you handle this?

Here’s the rub: DS has life threatening allergies to seven foods; DD to one; and I am Celiac and allergic to one more food. None of us can handle cross contamination with our allergens so the safest bet is to bring food we prepare for ourselves. It’s the rare friend/family who would even attempt to accommodate for our safety. The only one of us who can eat absolutely anything is DH. So if we attend, he’s usually the only one eating, and we bring “safe” food for everyone else.

Generally, I confer with whoever is hosting and try to match (for our kids) what’s being served. At kid parties, I’d bring safe cake and ice cream, and try to match the theme. That was easy enough. But big gatherings for meals are harder.

So, say, for Thanksgiving, I make safe versions of the entire traditional meal — all of it, in the days before the event. Our kids love all the traditional foods, and this is important to them, so I don’t let them down. We pack plates for the kids, including desserts and safe appetizers in a little cooler. It’s a lot of work to make sure everything is safe for all of us. I don’t generally bring safe versions to share with the group because it’s usually fairly expensive (using ingredients we know are sourced from safe companies gets pricey), but also because not many people want to eat what we do. (Like, who’s going to eat the gluten free, dairy free, nut free, seed free, egg free, etc free dressing or dessert or whatever — other than us? 🤣 And, if it’s out to be served, potluck style, it ends up cross contaminated, so none of us can still eat it, anyway). By the time I have cooked safe versions of everything, I really don’t want to make another version, even if I could make it in our kitchen safely, so we pick up a nice dessert or something from a bakery — that no one in our family except DH can share, bring wine and kid drinks, whatever else. But I’m not making more food, ykwim? It actually feels like a huge production and a lot of work to make a big traditional meal only to pack it up in coolers, and going to another house on thanksgiving is definitely a labor of love born of wanting to be with family. I confess that sometimes I feel envious of the families that make one or two dishes to contribute, rather than making the entire meal at home in advance. 🤣

Other get togethers follow a similar theme. I make safe versions of whatever I can, we pack all food that will be consumed by the three of us with food allergies, DH eats there, and we contribute something easily made or purchased.

Is there some other way to handle this? 
 

[Harriet Vane]

I have always handled it exactly the same way as you and I have also done some sharing. Both. 

For an elaborate holiday meal, what you do sounds like the only feasible way, and I doubt anyone else thinks anything of it. 

I am now gluten free and dairy free. My taste buds have adjusted and I like the gf df desserts, etc., that I make. But honestly, other people really don't. It usually tastes "off" or weird to them. No one wants to share my gf df garlic bread, lol. Dd made me a "cheesecake" from cashews--I love it and everyone else thinks it's disgusting. They might share a gf df brownie because the cocoa covers the differences in taste and texture, but they're not as enthusiastic. It's honestly just fine for me to make the elaborate stuff just for me. 

One other difficulty is that if I share the elaborate, special thing I made that is gf df, I will get a tiny bit but everyone else there gets a zillion awesome options. It's unfair. I am thinking back to when my dd had a period of time when she was fighting an allergic reaction brought on by a long bout of stomach flu. The flu was totally resolved, but her system was really stripped raw and she was reacting to foods as if allergic (hives). Over a couple months she was able to build back health and strength and most of those sensitivities went away. (Plus in that illness she developed a lifelong allergy to PeptoBismol, which exacerbated everything until we figured it out.) In the meantime, for a while she had to eat only certain foods to avoid more hives. I sent a small plate of safe food with her to a get-together. The mom running the event insisted that everyone shares everything and dd was just too little and too timid to argue. Dd got two of the things of her plate and none of the other food because she was afraid of a reaction that would take her to the hospital again. The other kids had a feast. 

At a potluck, I might contribute something "normal" like a fruit melange or veggie tray if I thought people expected it, but most often I just bring my own food and call it a day. If I host people at my house, I make a dinner we can all eat, a dessert the "normal" people can eat, and I make do on dessert with sorbet or something gf df that I pulled from my freezer just for me.

[Harriet Vane]

Will add--especially for ds I also cooked to match what everyone else was eating. He was lactose intolerant up until he hit the teen years--he was one of those lucky few individuals for whom puberty fixed it. So yeah, I did exactly what you do, calling ahead and cooking up a storm so his plate would "match" the other kids. For myself as a grownup, however, I bring whatever I think would be nice to eat for myself or whatever is convenient. 

[kbutton]

8 minutes ago, Spryte said:

. I make safe versions of whatever I can, we pack all food that will be consumed by the three of us with food allergies, DH eats there, and we contribute something easily made or purchased.

This is not freeloading, and you don't need to change a thing. Honestly, as a host, I would excuse you from bringing something to share entirely.

I am the person that can't eat anything, and I have to make entire meals for myself before I go to things. It's definitely more effort than bringing something to share. 

My PSA for people hosting...this won't solve the problem for people who need to be super strict about cross-contamination, but it will help a LOT of people who have sensitivities or who can eat something prepped in a normal kitchen with normal levels of care:

• Let the food allergic/intolerant have first dibs on what to bring. If there are one or two things that I can bring that can be shared and no one will feel like it's subpar for being GF, it helps me out. I was making it anyway. I try to bring things that are popular and someone else would be bringing anyway, but their version would almost assuredly be bringing a version I can't eat. I have a number of recipes that require no funny replacement products at all--no one is subjected to new textures or "off" flavors for any reason. There is nothing more discouraging than seeing three dishes of corn casserole that all have gluten, and if someone had let me sign up first, I could've brought my GF version (which has always been GF and which has received rave reviews from generations of people).
• Encourage everyone else to list ingredients in their food. 
• Then, make sure the food allergic people get their stuff first (some allergies are not hard to accommodate, and they just need to be able to serve themselves before the wrong spoon gets in their dish, ya know?).
• If the allergies cannot be accommodated, then excuse the allergic person from bringing food. If it's most of the family, excuse them from bringing ANYTHING but themselves. 
   

[Pam in CT]

So, life-threatening allergies are a totally different family dynamic than ordinary slackership. 

I have a nephew with celiac.  His family (he's still young enough that his parents are carrying the load here) brings a full meal that he can eat, plus a celiac-appropriate yummy dessert that everyone can share -- that's what they do to accommodate the issue.  The rest of the family scrupulously separates "his" food from anything else that might touch or cross-contaminate -- that's what the rest of us do to accommodate the issue.

 

There are a variety of other dietary *restrictions*  -- most of us don't eat pork or shellfish, a bunch are vegetarian, a couple are vegan, a couple others steer hard away from carbs and/or avoid dairy for diet reasons, etc.  The vegans bring something vegan (and look around for side dishes/other things they can eat), the carb-averse bring something they like (and look around for side dishes/other things they can eat) etc.  Accommodation for these sorts of issues is more along the lines of "we'll make sure we've got something; y'all do what you want and we'll be fine."

[Kassia]

wow, that is a TON of work for you to attend a holiday dinner in someone's home!  I think what you're doing (bringing dessert/something from a bakery) is perfect and no one should expect more from you.

When my kids were little and had special dietary needs, I always brought food for them that they could eat.  Then, DH's aunt was diagnosed with celiac and she demanded everyone else serve food that could accommodate her diet at holiday gatherings.  I thought it was the strangest thing - she's a grown woman and can always just pack food just in case but I thought it was ridiculous for her to expect/demand that others had food for her.  We always did, of course, but I resented the expectation on her part.  

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Kassia

[vonfirmath]

20 minutes ago, Spryte said:

🤣 🤣

 

Is there some other way to handle this? 
 

If There was a family coming to our gathering that couldn't eat anything I prepared but went to that much trouble to be there I don't think I'd expect a separate family contribution every time, even if the dad was eating.

[kbutton]

5 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

The mom running the event insisted that everyone shares everything and dd was just too little and too timid to argue. Dd got two of the things of her plate and none of the other food because she was afraid of a reaction that would take her to the hospital again. The other kids had a feast. 

At a potluck, I might contribute something "normal" like a fruit melange or veggie tray if I thought people expected it, but most often I just bring my own food and call it a day. If I host people at my house, I make a dinner we can all eat, a dessert the "normal" people can eat, and I make do on dessert with sorbet or something gf df that I pulled from my freezer just for me.

Why is it that it's always the Miss Manners types that are rigid and mess it all up? The bolded is infuriating. 

The rest is what I will do when I'm no longer bringing voracious teens to the event, lol! You get ME, and I bring my own food. If you're not happy with just having me, then I will not feel welcome at your party. 

[kbutton]

7 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

There are a variety of other dietary *restrictions*  -- most of us don't eat pork or shellfish, a bunch are vegetarian, a couple are vegan, a couple others steer hard away from carbs and/or avoid dairy for diet reasons, etc.  The vegans bring something vegan (and look around for side dishes/other things they can eat), the carb-averse bring something they like (and look around for side dishes/other things they can eat) etc.  Accommodation for these sorts of issues is more along the lines of "we'll make sure we've got something; y'all do what you want and we'll be fine."

I've been to homeschool potlucks that are like this. They did ask everyone to label their items as GF, etc. so other would know and to be conversant on your ingredients if someone needed to ask. We also had some items provided by the organization that nearly all could eat to smooth out the gaps. It worked really well.

[regentrude]

I assume you have dinner with people who care for you and are glad to enjoy your company. They should be thrilled that you go to all this trouble to be able to have a joint meal, even if you're not actually sharing communal food.
If I were hosting an event of the everyone-bring-a-dish type, it would not occur to me that your family should be providing a contribution for the joint meal, since you're already bringing all the food you eat.

I hope you love those people a lot. This seems like a major hassle, especially since it is so dangerous for you with cross contamination that even a well-meaning, educated host won't be able to guarantee that they can keep you safe.. 
 

[Clarita]

In this case I would not feel offended if you bought only food for your family. If I knew you very well and may try hard to give you one dish that is safe; however I know with my BIL that, that is only doable up to a certain party size (people are not careful with serving spoon). 

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I've been to homeschool potlucks that are like this. They did ask everyone to label their items as GF, etc. so other would know and to be conversant on your ingredients if someone needed to ask. We also had some items provided by the organization that nearly all could eat to smooth out the gaps. It worked really well.

I think this works fine when it comes to dietary preferences. I can prepare vegan, gf, df food that almost everyone can eat. However, if I had a life threatening allergy, I would NEVER rely on somebody labeling their dish correctly. 
(Just an anecdote: friend has soy allergy; restaurant assured them dish they ordered was soy free, but after detailed inquiry they said they fry everything - including items in that dish -in soy oil.) Nope, I would not rely on folks knowing how to spot problem ingredients.

[Harriet Vane]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I think this works fine when it comes to dietary preferences. I can prepare vegan, gf, df food that almost everyone can eat. However, if I had a life threatening allergy, I would NEVER rely on somebody labeling their dish correctly. 
(Just an anecdote: friend has soy allergy; restaurant assured them dish they ordered was soy free, but after detailed inquiry they said they fry everything - including items in that dish -in soy oil.) Nope, I would not rely on folks knowing how to spot problem ingredients.

Exactly. I have learned that even when others try really, really hard to accommodate someone else's dietary needs, half the time they get it wrong anyway. Some people think "a little bit" won't spark a reaction. Some people try hard but since they're not used to making the adjustments, they make mistakes. 

[kbutton]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I think this works fine when it comes to dietary preferences. I can prepare vegan, gf, df food that almost everyone can eat. However, if I had a life threatening allergy, I would NEVER rely on somebody labeling their dish correctly. 
(Just an anecdote: friend has soy allergy; restaurant assured them dish they ordered was soy free, but after detailed inquiry they said they fry everything - including items in that dish -in soy oil.) Nope, I would not rely on folks knowing how to spot problem ingredients.

I agree, but many of the folks in the group were in this category, so if they had a life-threatening peanut allergy, another person with the same could decide to try their dish or not. Many of them knew each other outside of the potluck to know their level of comfort with such things.

Oh, we also used a sign-up genius, so people could list what they were bringing ahead of time. 

Doing this made the whole attitude about the potluck more friendly and open, and it solved 90% of the dietary complications. 

[73349]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

I agree, but many of the folks in the group were in this category, so if they had a life-threatening peanut allergy, another person with the same could decide to try their dish or not. Many of them knew each other outside of the potluck to know their level of comfort with such things.

 

As a pp mentioned, though, if the allergic people aren't being served first, that absolutely trustworthy peanut-free dish could have been cross-contaminated by the time the next peanut-free person gets to it.

I do not enjoy shared food events, except when hosting. We avoid the ones at one of our activities because they need it to be 100% nut-free and it's just too much for me to do that plus our own food restrictions plus not expecting other people's food to be safe by the time DS gets to it.

OP, I think what you're doing is the most that can be expected of anybody. Let your DH bring the wine and eat from the communal food, and that should be completely fine.

[YaelAldrich]

I agree with everyone else above. You aren't freeloaders at all and what you do is more than enough (for normal hosts). Some in our family keep kosher, some are vegan, some are vegetarian. Inevitably we bring food to every get together. More work for me, some awkwardness for everyone. It works more or less.

[Spryte]

Ok, good to get some extra input on this! Thanks.

I do often try to bring non-edibles for the group, too. Games that everyone can enjoy, that sort of thing. 

Admitting here, too, that last year we did a Covid thanksgiving at home without attending a big gathering, and it was absolutely glorious in the lack of food-stress. And when DS sat at the table and realized that *everything* was safe for him to eat — wow. What a moment. We might just do it every year at home, from now on. I enjoyed it on a completely different level, there wasn’t the constant vigilance that our family usually requires, and it was like being able to breathe freely.

 

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Admitting here, too, that last year we did a Covid thanksgiving at home without attending a big gathering, and it was absolutely glorious in the lack of food-stress. And when DS sat at the table and realized that *everything* was safe for him to eat — wow. What a moment. We might just do it every year at home, from now on. I enjoyed it on a completely different level, there wasn’t the constant vigilance that our family usually requires, and it was like being able to breathe freely.

Could you maybe invite a few dear friends and family whom you can afford to feed?
 

[kbutton]

8 minutes ago, Carolina Wren said:

As a pp mentioned, though, if the allergic people aren't being served first, that absolutely trustworthy peanut-free dish could have been cross-contaminated by the time the next peanut-free person gets to it.

We also had allergic people go first.

I also authored the post with the PSA about allergic people going first.

I don't claim to be able to offer a perfect allergen experience, but I do think that 3-4 small changes to how people normally do things will solve 90% of the issues, and as long as those accommodations are seen on the part of the host as making it better vs. fixing the issue entirely, I think it goes a long way toward making those with allergies feel like someone cares. They are things that could be the new norm and could signal to allergic family and friends that you're on their side.

[prairiewindmomma]

We do like you do, down to bringing our own dishes and serving utensils for those if I haven't prepackaged things into those divided dish trays with lids.  Everything else we've tried has ended with allergic reactions. It's just not worth risking another attempt at a better way.

[Spryte]

22 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Could you maybe invite a few dear friends and family whom you can afford to feed?
 

Oh yes, we can — and have. We are big entertainers (or were, pre-Covid). In the BeforeTimes, we had a standing invite for friends to gather for a meal, drinks and hang out time every Fri evening, plus lots of extra hangouts through the week. We provide all meals, foods, and if someone wants to bring a special drink to share that’s fine. It’s so much easier to have guests over! Getting together at other houses is the hard part.

We have one sort of sister-family that manages well with allergies. I love having them over for Thanksgiving. Even with them, though, we have to juggle allergies. We all want them to have their favorite foods that to them say, “holidays!” So they will bring foods containing gluten (dressing, pies) and we just separate everything (no one here is anaphylactic to gluten, just celiac. They are pretty incredible in the lengths they will go to to make sure they don’t bring any foods to which any of us are anaphylactic, and we just separate the other foods. It works. But mostly, we have been navigating huge family gatherings for Thanksgiving. I might nix that in the future now, having seen what it feels like to have an allergy-friendly Thanksgiving. 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Spryte

[TravelingChris]

35 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Why is it that it's always the Miss Manners types that are rigid and mess it all up? The bolded is infuriating. 

The rest is what I will do when I'm no longer bringing voracious teens to the event, lol! You get ME, and I bring my own food. If you're not happy with just having me, then I will not feel welcome at your party. 

Miss Manners would say that insisting that people eat things they are allergic to is extremely rude, not to say health threatening.

All I know is that I have a lot of people in my family with allergies that I have to accommodate. My son has the tick-borne mammal meat allergy.  DD1 is allergic to pineapples.  DD2 and DS are both allergic to strawberries.  DD2 is super allergic to citrus fruits.  Now a new one is that very soon to be step granddaughter is a vegan---I am really unsure of how I will deal with that at all.  Oh and DH and DD2 are also have peanut allergy.  I am allergic to limes and dragon fruit- which is usually easy to avoid. But I am also on a Coumadin equivalent which means I need to be careful how much cruciferous and dark green veggies I eat along with avoiding soy in any form and canola oil.  

But why I say that trying to make anything vegan is difficult, except something like a salad or maybe vegetable- is my main way to stay healthy is to use as most as I can less processed and natural foods.  Which means, I do not want to change baking over from using butter to using shortening.  I figure she can eat it or not when we have a dessert.  I also have no idea yet which if any holidays,, she will be over for.  I have no idea what vegans eat for holidays.  In fact, I have no idea how you keep healthy being vegan.

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

I never know how to handle this perfectly — there isn’t a handbook for this kind of thing! Reading the other thread is making me feel stressed though, because I hate to be the family not pulling its weight.

It has me thinking about how we handle bringing food to events and allergies. How would you handle this?

Here’s the rub: DS has life threatening allergies to seven foods; DD to one; and I am Celiac and allergic to one more food. None of us can handle cross contamination with our allergens so the safest bet is to bring food we prepare for ourselves. It’s the rare friend/family who would even attempt to accommodate for our safety. The only one of us who can eat absolutely anything is DH. So if we attend, he’s usually the only one eating, and we bring “safe” food for everyone else.

Generally, I confer with whoever is hosting and try to match (for our kids) what’s being served. At kid parties, I’d bring safe cake and ice cream, and try to match the theme. That was easy enough. But big gatherings for meals are harder.

So, say, for Thanksgiving, I make safe versions of the entire traditional meal — all of it, in the days before the event. Our kids love all the traditional foods, and this is important to them, so I don’t let them down. We pack plates for the kids, including desserts and safe appetizers in a little cooler. It’s a lot of work to make sure everything is safe for all of us. I don’t generally bring safe versions to share with the group because it’s usually fairly expensive (using ingredients we know are sourced from safe companies gets pricey), but also because not many people want to eat what we do. (Like, who’s going to eat the gluten free, dairy free, nut free, seed free, egg free, etc free dressing or dessert or whatever — other than us? 🤣 And, if it’s out to be served, potluck style, it ends up cross contaminated, so none of us can still eat it, anyway). By the time I have cooked safe versions of everything, I really don’t want to make another version, even if I could make it in our kitchen safely, so we pick up a nice dessert or something from a bakery — that no one in our family except DH can share, bring wine and kid drinks, whatever else. But I’m not making more food, ykwim? It actually feels like a huge production and a lot of work to make a big traditional meal only to pack it up in coolers, and going to another house on thanksgiving is definitely a labor of love born of wanting to be with family. I confess that sometimes I feel envious of the families that make one or two dishes to contribute, rather than making the entire meal at home in advance. 🤣

Other get togethers follow a similar theme. I make safe versions of whatever I can, we pack all food that will be consumed by the three of us with food allergies, DH eats there, and we contribute something easily made or purchased.

Is there some other way to handle this? 
 

Actually, we ended almost all get togethers that revolve around meals. It is so much work, and way too expensive!  And it isn't enjoyable to be constantly cooking for one group, then all my GF stuff, and then my mom's restrictions. So before covid, dh and I pulled the plug on extended family meals. Prior to going no contact with my brother and his wife, their two daughters, and one of his two sons (long history of instability and drama that just spilled over and wiped everyone out), we said on Christmas we would meet for coffee and GF dessert. We played cards and board games, had tea/coffee, and the GF dessert. My mom and mother in law eat holiday dinners with us, and we keep it simple. Roast turkey, mashed potatoes made with broth, gravy made with corn starch, roast green beans bowl of fresh fruit, one regular dessert for them, and one for me and if home from France, my sis. Rolls are off to the side away from all the food and not baked in any of our kitchens so we don't worry about cross contamination when sis is around because she is so reactive. Now we don't get together ever with my brother's family.

For Christmas, we will be two weeks in Alabama, all three of our sons, daughter, son in law, grandsons, and my mom. Dear son in law is unfortunately allergic to many foods. I really feel for him. Again we keep it simple. Fresh fruits, fresh veggies, and steamed veggies but no peppers because he is allergic to nightshades. No seafood. He has an alpha gal allergy so we will do a lot of cooking with turkey and chicken, but when we do pulled pork, it will be cooked in my instapot, and his chicken will be in their crockpot. We have a ton of countertop at the mountain house so foods cam be kept separate and labeled. However, we don't plan many meals that center around foods he cannot have. We will do chicken tacos with ground chicken twice, and this will be with nightshade free seasoning which we made from scratch. Sour cream and shredded cheese will be kept on the island. The counter top will have our GF corn chips (he and I eat it as nachos because nearly all good tasting GF tortillas have potato starch. I don't mind, and do not want GF tortillas that I use at home getting up close with his food. Everyone else's tortillas are on the table. Children are served. Adults have been trained to go get their toppings on their plates, and then load their tortillas at the table so that they do not get utensils that have touched their flour tortillas mixed with the meat and veggies.

Christmas day we won't do mashed potatoes. We will do baked potatoes. We have two ovens in the house. So we will put his sweet potato in one oven with the GF pie, and everyone else will get baked potatoes done in the other oven. We will make homemade GF bread. But none of our meals will.be based on sandwiches because it gets expensive to make GF, potato starch free bread for 10 people. We won't be keeping regular bread products in the house so we don't have to worry about grandson getting things mixed. Aebleskiver will be GF and night shade free. We have been researching recipes to make sure we can make a tasty one.

It isn't too expensive to do it by simplifying meals to being centered around veggies and fruits grains that are okay like polenta and rice. We do many meals with those two sides. I make a savory polenta of garlic and basil, and then put a pesto out that is safe for dsil, and salsa and cheese on a different counter.

The thing is though, we have narrowed our world to a small family that is all rowing together, and understands that when not around dsil, they will get to have what they want. Everyone is willing to eat this way in order to spend all those meal times together. That doesn't work always with large families. In those cases, if I wanted to get together with the larger group, it would never be at meal time. It is a crazy maker to juggle all the regular foods the allergen free foods, and not end up with cross contamination. So we would absolutely refuse big meals, and show up after eating at home in order to visit, play games, take the family photo, open presents or whatever.

It is unfortunate that everything around the holidays in America is centered around food, always lots of food, and everyone feeling pressured to eat together. It is hard to against that grain, but we have found that in doing so, we have a ton less stress.

Also, we never sit at the table as a group and pass dishes. That is just asking for cross contamination issues between people mixing up utensils, spills, crumbs falling down etc. We decorate the tables beautifully, have everyone sit down, take a photos and then carry their plates to the kitchen counter buffet. Even in my moms small kitchen, we do this, and just set up a card table to have enough room for trays. Our fruit and veggie trays tend to be rather large since these are quite popular.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Pam in CT said:

So, life-threatening allergies are a totally different family dynamic than ordinary slackership. 

Right?!  Why do so many people not get that?  I am not talking about OP or anyone in this thread, rather the clods who think that it's "unfair" for a family to bring safe food for themselves and not for others.  

No, you are not freeloading, OP. Far from it. 

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, TravelingChris said:

why I say that trying to make anything vegan is difficult, except something like a salad or maybe vegetable- is my main way to stay healthy is to use as most as I can less processed and natural foods.  Which means, I do not want to change baking over from using butter to using shortening.  I figure she can eat it or not when we have a dessert.  I also have no idea yet which if any holidays,, she will be over for.  I have no idea what vegans eat for holidays.  In fact, I have no idea how you keep healthy being vegan.

Vegan isn't really that difficult. DD and her bf are vegan, and if they just visit for a week or so, it is very easy to accommodate them with just a little bit of attention (it would be harder to switch one's diet over long term).
What do they eat? Fruits, vegetables, beans, lentils, pasta, rice and other grains, bread, tacos, curries, soups. It's easy to bake using vegan butter or coconut oil. I have hosted vegan Thanksgivings where the table was full of deliciousness.
You probably make a bunch of things that are vegan or close to vegan already. 

ETA: You can be very healthy, just need to make sure to supplement B12 which is the only thing only obtainable from animal sources. 

2nd ETA: It is NOT necessary to purchase "special" vegan foods, like meat substitutes like seitan or tofu. A long term vegan might want to, but for just shorter times, just cook natural foods you already eat.

Edited October 12, 2021 by regentrude

[heartlikealion]

Oh my goodness, bless you. I would just not eat at the gathering or host it at my own house where I know my "safe foods" stay say, in the kitchen and the kids serve themselves in the kitchen? Even that could be tricky if someone didn't cooperate and wandered into the kitchen and cross contaminated something.

Would they be insulted if you didn't eat there during the visit and had eaten before/after?? Are they insulted when you bring your cooler? (not saying they should be, just curious if they seem put out or relieved or what... do you use their microwave when you arrive?)

I mean you could see the family on another day, too?? Make a new tradition (activity that doesn't involve food??). 

[prairiewindmomma]

Before we moved far, far away, I pushed for pie Thanksgiving—getting together with thr extended family on Saturday or Sunday on the holiday weekend, mid-afternoon, just for pie. 
 

The family dynamics are hard. You want to feel part of the family but by having it be good centered, you are automatically excluded from a part of it all. Hugs!

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

Admitting here, too, that last year we did a Covid thanksgiving at home without attending a big gathering, and it was absolutely glorious in the lack of food-stress. And when DS sat at the table and realized that *everything* was safe for him to eat — wow. What a moment. We might just do it every year at home, from now on. I enjoyed it on a completely different level, there wasn’t the constant vigilance that our family usually requires, and it was like being able to breathe freely.

Thanksgiving is definately one of the harder holidays. It just revolves too much around food, even my (slight discomfort) lactose intolerance has a hard time at Thanksgiving. It's been so much nicer to have a smaller Thanksgiving where my BIL can just eat with everyone everything on the table. My kids just think mashed cauliflower is a traditional Thanksgiving food 😄.

[HS Mom in NC]

It's thoughtful and polite that you bring your own food. Anyone crabbing to you about it can go pound sand.

Wanna bring something everyone can enjoy?  Fireworks.  Everyone loves fireworks. When we decided to bow out of my side's gift exchange for scores of people, we brought fireworks. Kids love it, parents like not having to deny their kids fireworks at a holiday while not having to provide the fireworks themselves because Aunt Lisa will have plenty to share. I take the kids outside and the adults who don't want to set things on fire stay inside and have a little break. 

[Faith-manor]

3 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

It's thoughtful and polite that you bring your own food. Anyone crabbing to you about it can go pound sand.

 

Absolutely this! That is the first step. But so also think that changing your participation in the holiday to be not about food, is very wise, and will masker it less stressful. Again let the naysayers pound sand. Just show up later with a bottle of wine or something visits play a game, something like that.

[sbgrace]

Family holiday meals are a major stress point for me, and I am accomodating just one anaphylaxis person. You are doing so much work. I imagine family doesn't see this poorly, and if they do they have issues. So I vote keep doing what makes your kids happy without any concern.

I'm going share what I do, though. I make two things that are safe for my son and others will eat (a side dish and a dessert in our case). My son gets his serving(s) of those two things first, before they are even put out on the table for anyone else. The rest of his safe meal, I bring just for him. He gets his entire plate ready before anyone else starts serving/eating. We've been doing it this way for years. Once I figure out what works for him and others will like--I bring the same two "shared" things every year. It still feels awkward a bit, even after all this time. In your case, almost no one from your family is actually eating any of the shared food. I wouldn't feel even a tiny bit guilty about not contributing. 

[Spryte]

I am really liking the idea of creating some extra holiday traditions that don’t involve food.

We do a lot of hosting anyway, so the every day type of get together is covered.

But we have family that comes to visit relatives a few hours away, and the Big Family Gatherings for holidays generally happen a few hours away, where most people live, so hosting is out of the question for those. I’ve never wanted to rock the boat too much, but maybe in the future we will start some dessert/coffee visits after the main meal, or visits centered around games or activities on a different day. 
 

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

Normally, I would make and bring gluten free food if ds will be there. I'll also make vegan or lactose free if dd2 or ds' girlfriend is attending. 

I guess this is why I get so flustered about bringing a sharing dish. Because before I get to that, I've already organised one or two meals, incl dessert. 

 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Normally, I would make and bring gluten free food if ds will be there. I'll also make vegan or lactose free if dd2 or ds' girlfriend is attending. 

I guess this is why I get so flustered about bringing a sharing dish. Because before I get to that, I've already organised one or two meals, incl dessert. 

I don't quite understand. Why can't you bring a gluten free, vegan dish (or two) to share?

Edited October 12, 2021 by regentrude

[Melissa Louise]

9 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I don't quite understand. Why can't you bring a gluten free, vegan dish (or two) to share?

Um...idk? Because other people want other things? Because g/f is expensive for one but crazy for 12? Because I'm really, really bad at food? 😂

I can't even explain how much stress I feel cooking for anyone I didn't give birth to. I think good cooks don't get it.

Even if I was asked to bring potato chips, I'd stand in the aisle for half an hour trying to decide which bag would make people less mad. 

[regentrude]

27 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Um...idk? Because other people want other things? Because g/f is expensive for one but crazy for 12? Because I'm really, really bad at food? 😂

I can't even explain how much stress I feel cooking for anyone I didn't give birth to. I think good cooks don't get it.

Even if I was asked to bring potato chips, I'd stand in the aisle for half an hour trying to decide which bag would make people less mad. 

I am sorry this is stressful for you. I agree that trying to replicate baked goods with gf substitutes can get really expensive - but I would simply prepare something that is naturally gluten free. When I bring something to parties, I usually make something that hits the largest common denominator of g/f+d/f+vegan - that way, almost everybody will be able to partake. And it's something that is almost no prep work for me: pan of roasted veggies, bowl of fruit salad, hearty salad with lots of vegetables and chick peas. That all appeals to persons without dietary restrictions as well.

Edited October 12, 2021 by regentrude

[Melissa Louise]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am sorry this is stressful for you. I agree that trying to replicate baked goods with gf substitutes can get really expensive - but I would simply prepare something that is naturally gluten free. When I bring something to parties, I usually make something that hits the largest common denominator of g/f+d/f+vegan - that way, almost everybody will be able to partake. And it's something that is almost no prep work for me: pan of roasted veggies, bowl of fruit salad, hearty salad with lots of vegetables and chick peas. That all appeals to persons without dietary restrictions as well.

That's actually what I'd consider a lot of prep work! Also $. 

Luckily I won't be attending any dinners soon 🙂

I'm sure it's incomprehensible to good cooks. Your events sound lovely, and I wish I had those skills. Before celiac disease, I baked bread and would often bring that and feel good about it. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

That's actually what I'd consider a lot of prep work! Also $. 

Luckily I won't be attending any dinners soon 🙂

I'm sure it's incomprehensible to good cooks. Your events sound lovely, and I wish I had those skills. Before celiac disease, I baked bread and would often bring that and feel good about it. 

Wow! You GOT skills. Baking bread is wayyy harder than cutting a few sweet potatoes, some carrots, and a head of broccoli into chunks, drizzling them with olive oil, and throwing them in the oven for half an hour. For a total cost of $5.

[Melissa Louise]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Wow! You GOT skills. Baking bread is wayyy harder than cutting a few sweet potatoes, some carrots, and a head of broccoli into chunks, drizzling them with olive oil, and throwing them in the oven for half an hour. For a total cost of $5.

I know, but I don't bake bread anymore because of celiac. 

Food is really $$ here. It would probably be more like $12 just to roast a tray of vegies for a party. Probably around $50 to do vegies, fruit salad and salad for 12+.

That's why I normally just meet ppl for coffee, rather than do meals. 

[lmrich]

You are rocking it! Don't worry - you are bringing drinks and dessert for everyone and food for most of your family. You are pulling your weight and then some!

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[ktgrok]

4 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Absolutely this! That is the first step. But so also think that changing your participation in the holiday to be not about food, is very wise, and will masker it less stressful. Again let the naysayers pound sand. Just show up later with a bottle of wine or something visits play a game, something like that.

Yup. Doesn't mean you can't eat together, but that it isn't the focus. My mom has been much more relaxed at family get togethers since we stopped having them be about a big meal, and instead just order pizza for those eating it, and make frozen gluten free pizza for DS, or get Chik Fil A which uses separate oil and has a gluten free bun for a sandwich, etc. 

[heartlikealion]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

I don't quite understand. Why can't you bring a gluten free, vegan dish (or two) to share?

I can't speak for her, but my impression was fear of cross contamination (with serving utensils maybe)? Plus the cost of ingredients to make a larger dish vs smaller dish. I think I read those things somewhere in this thread. 

Regarding a store bought salad -- sometimes those were brought to our church potlucks. They were the ones from a big box store like Sam's. They would throw the whole thing together in a large bowl with the toppings and dressing. It served quite a few. You could actually buy two and it would not be expensive at all. 

[Spryte]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

Wow! You GOT skills. Baking bread is wayyy harder than cutting a few sweet potatoes, some carrots, and a head of broccoli into chunks, drizzling them with olive oil, and throwing them in the oven for half an hour. For a total cost of $5.

This made me laugh for some reason, not in a bad way, but because roasted veggies is the one dish I most often take to share. It works for all of us — except for picky DD — and usually everyone else.
 

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I am sorry my thread made you feel that way!  I don't think what you describe below is anything like what's going on in my situation.  I think you're doing a great job.

I probably wouldn't even do as much as you do.  I'd do for my kids, and then I might bring extra of one thing that I was already making or buying for my kids.  Knowing that I'd still need to keep my kids' separate.  But like, if my kids could eat steamed carrots, or sorbet, or a certain brand of soda, or veggies and guacamole that tasted good to non allergy people, then I'd bring that, in two containers, one to share, and one for us.  I wouldn't make something new, and I wouldn't go out of the way to buy a pie that none of us could eat, unless I really wanted to treat my DH to a pie, and we don't do gluten at home so this was my chance.  

 

Oh no, don’t be sorry! I needed to think it through again!
 

Food allergies are such a pain. DS has OAS and non-anaphylactic allergies, too, so anything raw is out, and there are just so many moving parts. Guac, hummus, salsa — all out. Blech! Such easy party foods. And so many of our foods are normal to us, but not necessarily normal to everyone else. I used to always take one of our dishes to share, but stopped somewhere along the way — I think our extended families are just into their own traditional foods for holidays (regular meals and between-holiday parties are easier). You know, only Aunt So and So’s green beans, only Uncle Frank’s pumpkin pie, etc. I just sort of gave up trying to fold people into our holiday cooking. 🤣

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[kbutton]

7 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

nightshade free seasoning which we made from scratch.

Ooh, recipe? All the taco seasoning I've seen from scratch has nightshades.

[kbutton]

7 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

Miss Manners would say that insisting that people eat things they are allergic to is extremely rude, not to say health threatening.

Where I live, Miss Manners would be more like the "everyone has to share everything they bring" types. Miss Manners says that you have to bring a dish to pass even if you're already making an entire meal for yourself. Miss Manners says that you just come and not eat--in fact, many of the people promoting this view have food allergies themselves, and if you don't want to spend all day cooking your own food to bring AND bring a dish to pass, you should eat before you come or stay home (and endure all the questions about why you're not eating). Miss Manners says that it's more important for everyone else to be comfortable than for you to annoy people with questions about what will be served. 

[heartlikealion]

Let’s vote to see if Miss Manners should cook and since she’s not Mrs she probably never had a family of her own so wasn’t packing meals for others (it’s a joke). 

Edited October 13, 2021 by heartlikealion

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

Ooh, recipe? All the taco seasoning I've seen from scratch has nightshades.

We mix cumin, onion, cilantro (finely diced), garlic, black pepper, sea salt, oregano, and coriander to taste. Dd makes it up to taste for our son in law so I don't have measurements. We tend to be " a little of this, a little of that" people. We use chicken broth for the liquid, and let it simmer. He loves rice, so we always serve rice and beans with it. Salsa is on the side on the non allergy side of counter for those who want the tomato flavor too.

[Starr]

I was the person to give dd, in her 20s, a bite of Susie's yummy cranberry pie. Who knew it had almond something in it until it hit her mouth. Potlucks make me crazy. Even restaurants, the hummus with almond oil... We have friends with many allergies that always bring food their kids can eat. I'm sorry when families make it mpre difficult than it already is.