Do you teach this?

[Liz CA]

As parents - homeschooling or not - we teach kids constantly something. I have said many times to clients before I discuss a particular concept with them: "We don't usually learn this at home / or in school"...or "I wish I had learned this earlier in life."

And I wish I had known some of these concepts 25 years ago and taught more like this at home. Are you teaching a form of this? Do you believe it would be beneficial (feel free to disagree) to pass this (or similar concepts) on? Do you feel you teach communication / cognitive / life skills by modeling or embedded in other material without thinking much about it? Or is there even curriculum nowadays (my home educating years are far in the rear view mirror but maybe I was not aware of available material at the time)? Have you taught more of this in recent months due to the impact of CV19 or other stressors?

I am talking about skills like: 

• Assertive communication - "I" statements, knowing the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive styles
• The effect of negative self-talk, how to reframe, impulse control, STOP technique (there are many different forms of this - no one right way IMHO)
• Various forms of Grounding / Mindfulness for relaxation and also to reduce anxiety or stress, distraction strategies
• Expressing anger in constructive ways or even acknowledging it is a normal emotion most everyone experiences in their lives (I remember being taught I "should not be angry." Perhaps more by inference than explicitly).

 

Any other thoughts on this?

 

[J-rap]

I've come to think that these things have a lot to do with genetics and brain-types.  I was never explicitly taught any of that ~ I just grew up in a loving, stable, and sensible family that was a good healthy model for me.  Same for my dh.

I don't know if it's the fact that our children's brains are a lot more complicated and maybe prone to some difficulties, or if times are just harder now.  BUT, in hind-site, I wish I had explicitly taught those things to our children. 

I wish I could do so much of parenting and homeschooling over again!  

[wendyroo]

2 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

As parents - homeschooling or not - we teach kids constantly something. I have said many times to clients before I discuss a particular concept with them: "We don't usually learn this at home / or in school"...or "I wish I had learned this earlier in life."

And I wish I had known some of these concepts 25 years ago and taught more like this at home. Are you teaching a form of this? Do you believe it would be beneficial (feel free to disagree) to pass this (or similar concepts) on? Do you feel you teach communication / cognitive / life skills by modeling or embedded in other material without thinking much about it? Or is there even curriculum nowadays (my home educating years are far in the rear view mirror but maybe I was not aware of available material at the time)? Have you taught more of this in recent months due to the impact of CV19 or other stressors?

I am talking about skills like: 

• Assertive communication - "I" statements, knowing the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive styles
• The effect of negative self-talk, how to reframe, impulse control, STOP technique (there are many different forms of this - no one right way IMHO)
• Various forms of Grounding / Mindfulness for relaxation and also to reduce anxiety or stress, distraction strategies
• Expressing anger in constructive ways or even acknowledging it is a normal emotion most everyone experiences in their lives (I remember being taught I "should not be angry." Perhaps more by inference than explicitly).

 

Any other thoughts on this?

 

My boys all have ASD, ADHD, anxiety disorders, and other significant mental health challenges. 
Those types of skills are the primary focus of our parenting and homeschooling.

There certainly are curricula that teach those skills, but we have never had much success with them.   For all the same reasons that my kids struggle with those skills in the first place, they also struggle tremendously with applying skills to their own lives.  We can read, discuss, practice and role play until the cows come home, but in the heat of the moment they are still going to hit and tantrum and have panic attacks.

So mostly we just plan H.U.G.E margins into our days so that we have plenty of time to talk through and "redo" situations as they come up.

[wintermom]

Mostly modelling, embedded in other activities and opportunities (e.g., theatre, business entrepreneurship, part-time job), home life, and then more specifically as needed (e.g., mindfulness). My dh is REALLY good at these areas because of his upbringing, education and personality, and he's also good at mentoring and discussing these concepts with our dc. 

[Liz CA]

4 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I've come to think that these things have a lot to do with genetics and brain-types.  I was never explicitly taught any of that ~ I just grew up in a loving, stable, and sensible family that was a good healthy model for me.  Same for my dh.

I don't know if it's the fact that our children's brains are a lot more complicated and maybe prone to some difficulties, or if times are just harder now.  BUT, in hind-site, I wish I had explicitly taught those things to our children. 

I wish I could do so much of parenting and homeschooling over again!  

 

Me too. Even though I try not to go there because I knew even then that it was inevitable I would miss something important. I think you make a good point regarding environment. Growing up in a stable, loving home where parents practice those skills maybe unconsciously if not deliberately, is a big factor.

[J-rap]

Just now, Liz CA said:

 

Me too. Even though I try not to go there because I knew even then that it was inevitable I would miss something important. I think you make a good point regarding environment. Growing up in a stable, loving home where parents practice those skills maybe unconsciously if not deliberately, is a big factor.

It is a big factor for sure, but surprisingly, not as big as I assumed it would be.  Or at least, doesn't always address everything.

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, Liz CA said:

• Assertive communication - "I" statements, knowing the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive styles
• The effect of negative self-talk, how to reframe, impulse control, STOP technique (there are many different forms of this - no one right way IMHO)
• Various forms of Grounding / Mindfulness for relaxation and also to reduce anxiety or stress, distraction strategies
• Expressing anger in constructive ways or even acknowledging it is a normal emotion most everyone experiences in their lives (I remember being taught I "should not be angry." Perhaps more by inference than explicitly).

 

Like Wendyroo, I have to be a little more intentional with my ds than the average bear. I'm not sure about the whole passive/aggressive thing, as some of that just goes over my head. I teach proper speech constructions and self-advocacy. He gets a little screwy with constructions sometimes because of his language disability, so we work on it. Misattribution is a known issue in kids with social thinking disabilities.

I got a whole bunch of posters from a couple education stores in the big city. I got them last year and had grand intentions but never got them done. This year I'm actually DOING it. I have little command clips (hobby lobby) on the door to our office and I'm rotating the posters every two weeks. It's SO easy to get stuff like this now with positive thoughts, growth mindset, etc. So this week our poster is "I am capable of doing HARD THINGS." I LOVE this for him. I'm trying to subtly, quietly get into his brain with growth mindset. I mean, it's a really nice thought that I would be so on the ball and bring growth mindset AND do intervention AND cook meals AND... But I don't. So the posters cost me very little and are my attempt to get there. I wanted to use Marines quotes, haha. Some of them are really awesome too. But this is what I had, so this is what I'm using. 

Yes, Kelly Mahler has a new Body Check Ring that you can print and laminate to do quick guided body scans. SO important. He now has bins for fidgets/sensory at each work station.

Expressing anger, hmm. Ds has no problem expressing anger, hahahaha. I guess that's a meet your dc where you are. Our biggest step is keep chemistry stable. Then it's take a break when you need a break. I should try the "should not be angry" line, haha. Wouldn't fly, but what a riot. That would be so psycho weird. I guess I'm no help there, lol. My Bible says "Be angry and sin not." Never said don't get angry. So, you know, self regulation, realizing what you're feeling, making good choices. Of course I'm the woman who tells her ds people who hit go to jail. So we just have the other extreme. We have this constant expectation that, no matter what the reason is, you STILL have to have safe behavior and make good choices. 

And like the others have said, this was so not necessary for dd, lol. But I really like my posters. Maybe they'd be just the thing for you?

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/classroom-decorations/posters-charts/growth-mindset-mini-poster-pack/p/CD636  Here's an example to get you started. Not exactly the ones I have, but that's where I got them. And these are saying mini posters, which are probably the size of what I have. Not too big, fit on a door nicely. They have SO many of these types now. And United Art and Education has Bible verse ones too. I mix them all up.

https://www.hobbylobby.com/Art-Supplies/Project-Supplies/Office-Supplies/Quartz-Command-Spring-Clips/p/80875816  Here are the command clips. They're pretty snazzy. 

[PeterPan]

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/social-studies/social-emotional-character-development/social-emotional-calming-strategies-bulletin-board-set/p/SCD110442  Social Emotional Learning posters

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/classroom-decorations/posters-charts/growth-mindset-poster-pack/p/CT352  I have some of these!!!

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/social-studies/social-emotional-character-development/emotions-photo-poster/p/SCD114055  I got a set for this, but this is really great. I put it up to have ready access. An art therapist we started to use had it too. 

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/classroom-decorations/posters-charts/chalk-it-up-motivational-poster-pack-set-1/p/CT454  again, not exactly the ones I have, but just to show you that they have TONS of these. You can buy them individually in the stores or order them in sets. 

https://www.unitednow.com/think-positively-argus-posters-combo-pack  Some examples from United Art and Ed. Love their options too.

https://www.unitednow.com/painted-palette-inspire-u-poster-pack-set-1-by-creative-teaching-press  I'm pretty sure I got some of these. The flat tire one cracks me up.

[Liz CA]

26 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Expressing anger, hmm. Ds has no problem expressing anger, hahahaha. I guess that's a meet your dc where you are. Our biggest step is keep chemistry stable. Then it's take a break when you need a break. I should try the "should not be angry" line, haha. Wouldn't fly, but what a riot. That would be so psycho weird. I guess I'm no help there, lol. My Bible says "Be angry and sin not." Never said don't get angry. So, you know, self regulation, realizing what you're feeling, making good choices. Of course I'm the woman who tells her ds people who hit go to jail. So we just have the other extreme. We have this constant expectation that, no matter what the reason is, you STILL have to have safe behavior and make good choices. 

And like the others have said, this was so not necessary for dd, lol. But I really like my posters. Maybe they'd be just the thing for you?

https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/products/classroom-decorations/posters-charts/growth-mindset-mini-poster-pack/p/CD636  Here's an example to get you started. Not exactly the ones I have, but that's where I got them. And these are saying mini posters, which are probably the size of what I have. Not too big, fit on a door nicely. They have SO many of these types now. And United Art and Education has Bible verse ones too. I mix them all up.

https://www.hobbylobby.com/Art-Supplies/Project-Supplies/Office-Supplies/Quartz-Command-Spring-Clips/p/80875816  Here are the command clips. They're pretty snazzy. 

 

I agree with your comments on anger and yet many of my clients confirm that they feel guilty when they get angry because there was some implicit message that being angry is "bad." I recall a similar message growing up but that may be a generational thing as well. Especially for women - "women don't get angry." Expressing it in a constructive way (many choices and preferences) seems to be a vital skill these days.

[Arcadia]

2 hours ago, Liz CA said:

. Growing up in a stable, loving home where parents practice those skills maybe unconsciously if not deliberately, is a big factor.

I learned those skills in the life. Being the youngest granddaughter means having to be assertive to be heard instead of being “pampered sheltered”.  Being thrown into a extremely competitive middle school environment means learning to let go of stress or risk damaging health.

Schools and organizations are trying to teach assertiveness and mindfulness. But theory and practice is still different depending on individuals.

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Liz CA said:

 

I agree with your comments on anger and yet many of my clients confirm that they feel guilty when they get angry because there was some implicit message that being angry is "bad." I recall a similar message growing up but that may be a generational thing as well. Especially for women - "women don't get angry." Expressing it in a constructive way (many choices and preferences) seems to be a vital skill these days.

Yes! 

I remember confessing to my priest how angry I was with a person, and he interrupted m and said, "righteous anger is not a sin". 

That was eye opening to me. 

[PeterPan]

3 hours ago, Liz CA said:

 

I agree with your comments on anger and yet many of my clients confirm that they feel guilty when they get angry because there was some implicit message that being angry is "bad." I recall a similar message growing up but that may be a generational thing as well. Especially for women - "women don't get angry." Expressing it in a constructive way (many choices and preferences) seems to be a vital skill these days.

That regret has to do with their social thinking. I have yet to see my ds express regret/remorse over something. To do so, you have to take the perspective of the other person and care what they were thinking. Perversely, there are groups that use that to their advantage, instilling guilt. However I have seen other parents with kids on the spectrum say their kids experience quite a bit of guilt and worry with remorse after their actions. But I'm pretty sure if you read through the social thinking profiles that will be in there. https://www.socialthinking.com/Articles?name=social-thinking-social-communication-profile

[SKL]

I very frequently work with my kids on communication skills.  One of my kids is not naturally articulate and needs to be reminded that it isn't communication until the other person understands you.  My other kid has what she calls "anger issues" and needs to learn better ways of processing emotions than her go-to snotty remarks.  I work with both of them on how to use communication to assert needs and get them met; and also communication to help the other person feel good, e.g., how to be a good guest, respect leaders, etc.  They know I consider good communication to be a very important life skill.

We have done yoga in the past, but right now, they are not particularly open to that kind of thing.  I have nice teen-level books on mindfulness, but they have not yet risen to the top of the priority list.  One thing I often do is to ask them to state how something makes them feel.  Like today one kid was complimented by her soccer coach.  How did that make you feel?  How does having a clean room (for a change) feel?

And of course I try to model good communication & thoughtful insight.

[fairfarmhand]

Yes, I do, particularly in the last few years. We;ve been through a lot and only one of my four kids naturally understands this kind of thing. The other kids have had to be explicitly taught. 

My oldest has never been very receptive. I tried my best but she's got issues that just won't let it penetrate. I hope that someday a light clicks on in her head. 

My second is naturally gifted in these areas. She's the most introverted, self-reflective kid I have. Also, the emotional struggles of our family in the last few years have helped her develop self care and emotional skills beyond her years.

Third, has to be explicitly told stuff like: Look, when you bite people's heads off for minor things, they're going to assume you're a jerk even if you're not trying to be. All people can go on is what they see and hear from you. OR Your tone is over the top. You just killed a fly with a sledgehammer. Say things more gently and people will respond much better. For this kid, anger is her comfortable emotion. She hates expressing negative feelings so envy, loneliness, sadness, etc. comes out as MAD. Still working on that.

Fourth son does ok with feelings and communication. But, he really struggles with grit. Pushing through hard things, learning that mistakes are not a sign of failure and falling short. Still working on that. 

[Liz CA]

19 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Yes, I do, particularly in the last few years. We;ve been through a lot and only one of my four kids naturally understands this kind of thing. The other kids have had to be explicitly taught. 

My oldest has never been very receptive. I tried my best but she's got issues that just won't let it penetrate. I hope that someday a light clicks on in her head. 

My second is naturally gifted in these areas. She's the most introverted, self-reflective kid I have. Also, the emotional struggles of our family in the last few years have helped her develop self care and emotional skills beyond her years.

Third, has to be explicitly told stuff like: Look, when you bite people's heads off for minor things, they're going to assume you're a jerk even if you're not trying to be. All people can go on is what they see and hear from you. OR Your tone is over the top. You just killed a fly with a sledgehammer. Say things more gently and people will respond much better. For this kid, anger is her comfortable emotion. She hates expressing negative feelings so envy, loneliness, sadness, etc. comes out as MAD. Still working on that.

Fourth son does ok with feelings and communication. But, he really struggles with grit. Pushing through hard things, learning that mistakes are not a sign of failure and falling short. Still working on that. 

 

You can google the "Anger Iceberg." I have used this successfully with adults. It is basically a visual of what lies under the anger iceberg submerged in water that others cannot see. But frequently, others would respond differently if we voiced our true emotion.

[Katy]

Yes but I was definitely taught all of these things in public schools.

I still remember rolling my eyes at the "relaxation and mindfulness" techniques of some guest instructor who taught my gym class how to tense every muscle in your body one by one as a way to willfully relax.

[kiwik]

They may have tried.  My primary memory of getting in trouble as a child was being told "it is not what you say but how you say it".  It made absolutely no sense to me and no -one ever explained so it took me until I was about 40 to work it out.  I am trying to teach ds11 but it is slow going and I still don't model well.  Ds11 has an ASD diagnosis.  I kind of wish they diagnosed ASD in so called high functioning kids when I was a kid.  Or Asperger's even.  I also wish they had listened to me when ds was 4 rather than stonewalling me until he was 10.  And that there was any kind of social skills help or support available.

[LMD]

Yes we do a lot of that. I have 4 kids to mediate, 2 of whom are teens, I feel like 90% of my life is the last 3 things especially... my daughter's 13th year (and then some) was dominated by halting those darn negative spirals.

In my house, #1 Is replaced with effective and clear communication and smart leadership techniques. Aka, screeching at your brother is unlikely to get anyone what they want.

Edited September 13, 2020 by LMD

[LMD]

Adding, self control/mastery is a very high priority for us. Dh and I both have very vivid recollections of learning this later than necessary.

[IvyInFlorida]

My boys are 2E with an alphabet soup of issues between them, so I end up having to VERY EXPLICITLY teach those sorts of skills every single day.  I find it to be the most exhausting aspect of parenting and homeschooling, honestly.  Probably because, like a previous poster, I am neurotypical and grew up in a very healthy home so I just absorbed it automatically.

[Katy]

I think it's pretty common to not know what you are projecting, emotion and energy wise.

I learned this from horses.  My dad would train the horses, and they weren't so tame like at a riding school that they'd follow the trail. If you weren't alert and calm with decent posture they wouldn't do what you asked. I spent months of learning to ride INSIDE a pasture before I was let out on a trail because I had no clue what my petulant tween self was projecting.

DH learned this from martial arts classes.  He took them continuously until he became a black belt.

We had our kids in both until Covid.

Another realm that seems to teach this poise thing very well is pageants, but I don't care for any of that so we avoid them.

[BlsdMama]

23 hours ago, Liz CA said:

As parents - homeschooling or not - we teach kids constantly something. I have said many times to clients before I discuss a particular concept with them: "We don't usually learn this at home / or in school"...or "I wish I had learned this earlier in life."

And I wish I had known some of these concepts 25 years ago and taught more like this at home. Are you teaching a form of this? Do you believe it would be beneficial (feel free to disagree) to pass this (or similar concepts) on? Do you feel you teach communication / cognitive / life skills by modeling or embedded in other material without thinking much about it? Or is there even curriculum nowadays (my home educating years are far in the rear view mirror but maybe I was not aware of available material at the time)? Have you taught more of this in recent months due to the impact of CV19 or other stressors?

I am talking about skills like: 

• Assertive communication - "I" statements, knowing the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive styles
• The effect of negative self-talk, how to reframe, impulse control, STOP technique (there are many different forms of this - no one right way IMHO)
• Various forms of Grounding / Mindfulness for relaxation and also to reduce anxiety or stress, distraction strategies
• Expressing anger in constructive ways or even acknowledging it is a normal emotion most everyone experiences in their lives (I remember being taught I "should not be angry." Perhaps more by inference than explicitly).

 

Any other thoughts on this?

 

I don't teach grounding/mindfulness, but do stress the importance of being still and taking time for reading scripture - but 
I have taught them that "venting" anger actually does not minimize anger.  Anger that is not "self righteous" offense, but rather has a basis of something was done wrong, the wrong needs to be proactively addressed so that it doesn't continue. Negative self talk, beyond just understanding personal strengths and weaknesses (This is so hard for me vs I'm so stupid) isn't acceptable as a house rule.  

To me, this is part and parcel of being a family.  In my home, things like saying, "I'm so stupid," would have been a no go and it's the same here.  Teaching a child to reframe their communication so that's clear is parenting, isn't it? 

I think there is value in teaching families that these conversations need to be had and that these are life skills, but I also admit the memes on FB along the lines of why don't schools teach LIFE skills (like laundry, managing finances, cooking) leaves me saying, "SINCE WHEN IS THIS AN EDUCATION NEED? WHY DON'T PARENTS RECOGNIZE THIS AS BASIC EQUIPPING OF YOUR OWN CHILDREN?!" But, common sense is not common and we've become very used to abdicating parenting roles and allowing others to just raise our kids.  As such, yes, this probably needs to be proactively spoken to parents as a need.

[Moonhawk]

DH did not come from a stable home environment where these things were talked about or modeled, and he is very aware of how much of a negative impact it had on his development. So he considers this a keystone of what the kids should leave the house with, and he is also teaching himself. We explicitly talk about those subjects on probably a daily basis, or at least every other day.

I wouldn't say we talk about "assertive communication", as much as clear communication and how to talk about without being accusatory or shifting blame (or creating a blame-dynamic where there should be none). 

Growth mindset is probably the biggest one we talk about since it can be done on just about any topic, and (perhaps genetic?) it seems to be a harder thing for a couple of the kids to naturally get and practice.

We take time when people aren't angry to teach them coping methods and emotional management. Then (when younger) do the same exercises with them when they actually are upset, and then (when older) ask them to try and do the exercises by themselves and choose which one they think will be most effective for this situation.

eta: the other two things we talk about a lot are that feelings are valid and okay to have, it's how you act on them that we are learning to control, and not let them control you. And the idea of cause and effect in relationships -- DH has a visceral negative reaction to the word "consequence" so we try and keep this topic very neutral and objective and use different lenses to see what would be the expected reaction to their actions and how they can change how a story goes based on their choices.

We model, too, but usually after a modeling my DH will say, "Do you see how mom defused the situation by..." or "Even though I am not happy right now, when I responded I was able to say...." type of stuff. I usually forget to point to a technique after the fact, but DH firmly believes in "scene and sequel" method of learning. 

This makes us sound either super balanced or super neurotic (eta: we are neither lol), but really this is a lot of what DH is actively working on himself so it is natural for him to discuss it with the kids.

Edited September 14, 2020 by Moonhawk

[Liz CA]

25 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

We model, too, but usually after a modeling my DH will say, "Do you see how mom defused the situation by..." or "Even though I am not happy right now, when I responded I was able to say...." type of stuff. I usually forget to point to a technique after the fact, but DH firmly believes in "scene and sequel" method of learning.

This makes us sound either super balanced or super neurotic, lol, but really this is a lot of what DH is actively working on himself so it is natural for him to discuss it with the kids.

 

You may never know the full positive impact this kind of teaching will have on children's future ability to integrate into an independent adult life, workforce, relationships.

Kudos to your dh and you for working on this so diligently. I wish I had done more of this back then.

[Katy]

2 hours ago, square_25 said:

 

 

We've been thinking about doing some sort of martial art for DD8, and this is definitely an interesting point. How do martial arts teach this? 

 

 

DH said, "Rules, boundaries, breathing.  It teaches you control of your body and eventually control of your mind.  If you go into it emotional a calm opponent is going to take advantage of that."

I also think that these days (even back in my childhood) we encourage kids to live in their heads or in virtual worlds or screens more than we have them connect to their bodies. Any practice of bringing attention to their bodies helps them to calm.

I was taught less martial arts than he was (my dad was a cop and taught me the sorts of self-defense and fighting cops use), but when I did get into a potentially violent bullying situation at a new school once I was able to stay calm and not fight back, which saved all of us from suspension.  When the teacher asked how I did that later and I described what my dad had taught me, I told her I was afraid I would hurt them.  That if I'd felt in danger I would have fought back, but I was taught to defend myself against a man who outweighed me by a hundred pounds, not to shove and pull the hair of a 12 year old.  THAT conversation also ensured no one else in that school ever messed with me again.

[Katy]

Oh, taking a video of your kids and showing it to them can help them to calm down too.  I remember HATING video of myself when I was 10-12 because I had no idea what an obnoxious brat I was being until I saw myself on tape.

[Katy]

1 minute ago, square_25 said:

Now I'm worried what I'll see if I see a video of myself 😕 . I'm sure sometimes I sound far nastier and angrier than I think I do. 

 

Don't we all!

[elegantlion]

I did a workbook on conflict resolution with ds when he was in late elementary. The reason was because ex-dh had anger issues, not with me, but didn't know how to listen well to others. I wanted to make sure ds knew how to listen and resolve instead of just have a knee jerk reaction. Seems to have work, ds is one of the easiest people to talk to. 

The others were modeled. 

[Guest]

On 9/12/2020 at 2:52 PM, Liz CA said:

 

I agree with your comments on anger and yet many of my clients confirm that they feel guilty when they get angry because there was some implicit message that being angry is "bad." I recall a similar message growing up but that may be a generational thing as well. Especially for women - "women don't get angry." Expressing it in a constructive way (many choices and preferences) seems to be a vital skill these days.

I was taught this implicitly and probably also explicitly. 

One thing I endeavored to do differently with my children than was done with my upbringing was to let them have their own opinions and views on things. My parents conveyed this idea that everything they chose was right and anything else was wrong. But I did not do this as my kids grew and might take a position different from mine. We might debate about it, but I’m not going to say they are wrong for thinking XYZ. 

[sgo95]

I can counsel my children a lot...the words come out of my mouth at appropriate times over a period of many years.  How much learning and internalizing goes on though?  My kids continue to struggle with anxiety and negative self-talk and it's not because they've never been informed of techniques to combat those feelings/issues.

[Liz CA]

12 minutes ago, sgo95 said:

I can counsel my children a lot...the words come out of my mouth at appropriate times over a period of many years.  How much learning and internalizing goes on though?  My kids continue to struggle with anxiety and negative self-talk and it's not because they've never been informed of techniques to combat those feelings/issues.

 

This is very true, isn't it? I find that with my clients, I ask them to implement the tools we discussed at least twice daily or more. We have to be intentional about it before it can become a habit. I also realized that most people like to have choices, so I lay out several ways to achieve something and provide them with a choice. The dynamics are always different with our own children, though because we are emotionally invested to a much higher degree. 

[PeterPan]

4 hours ago, elegantlion said:

a workbook on conflict resolution

title/link? 

[katilac]

19 hours ago, Katy said:

Yes but I was definitely taught all of these things in public schools.

I still remember rolling my eyes at the "relaxation and mindfulness" techniques of some guest instructor who taught my gym class how to tense every muscle in your body one by one as a way to willfully relax.

That's a legit technique that helps a lot of people, though. 

[Katy]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

That's a legit technique that helps a lot of people, though. 

 

I'm not saying it doesn't work, not at all.  Just that it wasn't adequately explained to a room full of elementary students, who were pretty universally sure it was hogwash. If I hadn't thought it was so absurd I may not have remembered it.

It honestly would have been much more useful in middle school when the guest speakers were more inclined to preach abstinence.

[elegantlion]

2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

title/link? 

It's been so long, it may have been this one. I picked it up from a local teacher's supply store. CBD apparently has it too. 

I used the activities as a starting point for more in depth conversations. 

[RootAnn]

I have only a vague idea of what you referenced so my answer would be no. 

On 9/12/2020 at 11:23 AM, Liz CA said:

• Assertive communication - "I" statements, knowing the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive styles
• The effect of negative self-talk, how to reframe, impulse control, STOP technique (there are many different forms of this - no one right way IMHO)
• Various forms of Grounding / Mindfulness for relaxation and also to reduce anxiety or stress, distraction strategies
• Expressing anger in constructive ways or even acknowledging it is a normal emotion most everyone experiences in their lives

We mostly work on situations as they come up by talking through them. We deal with anxiety a lot here. We as parents definitely express "constructive" anger sometimes.

Honestly, much of this part of your post reads like Charlie Brown's teacher's voice to me. I obviously never learned it -- at least under those names & descriptions.

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, RootAnn said:

I have only a vague idea of what you referenced so my answer would be no. 

We mostly work on situations as they come up by talking through them. We deal with anxiety a lot here. We as parents definitely express "constructive" anger sometimes.

Honestly, much of this part of your post reads like Charlie Brown's teacher's voice to me. I obviously never learned it -- at least under those names & descriptions.

 

Most of us haven't. Katy said she learned it in HS. I am sure I never have been taught anything like this in HS. I may have used words that are common to me but not everyone. I'll try to explain: mindfulness is a technique to shut out "background noise" and stay in the here and now. This is often done by labeling 3-4 things you can see, hear, smell. Grounding is a very similar practice, lots of different ways to do it, some recite a poem, a song, all the Presidents from Truman to present (one of my clients did this), the key part is to give your brain a task where you have to think about it enough to not allow emotions like anxiety to escalate. 

[Miss Tick]

On 9/12/2020 at 12:23 PM, Liz CA said:

I am talking about skills like: 

• Assertive communication - "I" statements, knowing the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive styles
• The effect of negative self-talk, how to reframe, impulse control, STOP technique (there are many different forms of this - no one right way IMHO)
• Various forms of Grounding / Mindfulness for relaxation and also to reduce anxiety or stress, distraction strategies
• Expressing anger in constructive ways or even acknowledging it is a normal emotion most everyone experiences in their lives (I remember being taught I "should not be angry." Perhaps more by inference than explicitly).

I guess we have done this, but ad hoc, not with intent. #4 was covered somewhat by AOPS, the idea of having a legitimate emotional response and then moving on to deal with the math problem. My dc and I have fully embraced this.

Ironically, hearing examples of #2 sometimes causes me to fail at #4. I get irrationally angry hearing negative self-talk, and it is mainly from women. I try to call people on this when I can. With my dc I've explained how that talk tends to be self-fulfilling. I do this through gritted teeth, though. I don't know why it sets me off so much!

We could all use some mindfulness techniques here. If I try to have them review the president's they will assume that the whole topic of mindfulness is some tricky homeschooling scam. Same with poem recitation. Maybe I'll give them those options along with intentional relaxation, is that in the same category?

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, SusanC said:

I guess we have done this, but ad hoc, not with intent. #4 was covered somewhat by AOPS, the idea of having a legitimate emotional response and then moving on to deal with the math problem. My dc and I have fully embraced this.

Ironically, hearing examples of #2 sometimes causes me to fail at #4. I get irrationally angry hearing negative self-talk, and it is mainly from women. I try to call people on this when I can. With my dc I've explained how that talk tends to be self-fulfilling. I do this through gritted teeth, though. I don't know why it sets me off so much!

We could all use some mindfulness techniques here. If I try to have them review the president's they will assume that the whole topic of mindfulness is some tricky homeschooling scam. Same with poem recitation. Maybe I'll give them those options along with intentional relaxation, is that in the same category?

 

😊 Those were just examples of what some people have been doing. You can adapt this to whatever works for you and your kids. Singing a favorite song can work, practicing a tongue twister, etc.

[Kidlit]

Big Life Journal is a great resource for some of these things. 

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, hopeistheword said:

Big Life Journal is a great resource for some of these things. 

 

What a neat resource!

[Liz CA]

On 9/13/2020 at 4:19 AM, IvyInFlorida said:

My boys are 2E with an alphabet soup of issues between them, so I end up having to VERY EXPLICITLY teach those sorts of skills every single day.  I find it to be the most exhausting aspect of parenting and homeschooling, honestly.  Probably because, like a previous poster, I am neurotypical and grew up in a very healthy home so I just absorbed it automatically.

 

I somehow couldn't find your post earlier but wanted to acknowledge that it seems harder for people who intuitively do some of these things (or have been taught by modeling) to remember to teach it rather than assume it will be transmitted by osmosis. I have to remind myself to check with every client if they have these tools even though I didn't get modeled all of them as a kid either.

[Kidlit]

7 hours ago, Liz CA said:

 

What a neat resource!

It really is!