Letting others drive your kids in a texting and driving era?

[JumpyTheFrog]

My oldest is 13 and so far we've be able to avoid the whole issue of other parents driving him around. However, I suspect that it will begin to come up. I see soooooooo many people texting and driving in our area. When I was a teen, my parents had a rule that I couldn't ride with any teenage drivers. I like that rule for my kids, but I feel like a large percent of parents need to be added to the list.

How often do you see people texting and driving where you are? I've seen people on their phones while turning left at a major intersection. 

If another parents is offering to drive, how do you find out if they text and drive? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing people will admit to.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I'd like to add that my concern about this is big because I know it is one of the most likely ways for my kids to be killed. I let them roam the woods, as long as they bring the walkie-talkies. I'm not worried about random kidnappings like many parents. I'm worried about distracted drivers.

[Pen]

I think it’s a real problem!  I don’t have a good answer.  

[Moonhawk]

So, yeah, we don't let anyone drive our kids except ourselves and my parents. MIL is no longer on the list (though we've avoided all situations that would actually let her know that so far). This is a serious pain, and will get worse as they grow up and want to drive with friends/other families. But, I've known too many people killed in car accidents because of texting, and also just teenage driving skills. We've already told our kids this is going to be how it is. They are at the agreeable age and don't see how this will be a problem when they are older, but we're just trying to establish it now so they know it isn't us picking on their friends or friends' families when they get to that stage. Maybe I'll change my mind then...but no, I won't, lol.  

On the one occasion another mom wanted to drive my daughter I just apologized and said we have a blanket rule on this after a previous incident. (Previous incident was an adult texting while driving kids and almost getting in an accident.) 

IDK how'd you vet individual parents, unless you take a chance with them for one time and ask your kids later if they were texting, but kids may not notice (because of talking with friends, etc) and this opens them up to danger that first time. Also will make the other parent ask why you're changing your stance if they did actually text the first time. 

[Jentrovert]

Following, because this is something I have worried about too. So far only three other adults have ever driven our dc, people we trust not to text/speed/etc. And it has only been a handful of times. But I know as they get older it will be more of an issue.

[JustEm]

oh that is such a hard one.  Texting and driving is a huge problem here and if I see someone I know doing it I call them out on it. I know the people who have driven my kids around do not use their phones when driving.  If I were to find out that they did it even just once, they would NEVER drive my kids around again.  I don't know what I'll do once my kids are of the age to get rides from other parents.  I have been training them from a very young age that using the phone while driving is extremely dangerous and if they are a passenger in a vehicle where someone is that they should request that they stop.  And if they do not then they should ask to be dropped off at a safe place where they can contact a reliable person.  I can only hope that I'm training them to be proactive when it comes to keeping themselves safe.

[catz]

Our state just instituted a hands free law this month. I hope it helps.  

I have a 15 and 18 year old now.  And well, the older they are the harder it is to control this kind of thing.  My 18 year old is leaving for college soon and then I will have no control.  So I would just say you want to be stepping toward the place where a teen is making good decisions about who it is safe to ride with and what good driving looks like.  A 13 year old should be able to identify someone texting or driving unsafely.  We started getting to a place where my kids were in carpools and ended up in friends parents vehicles around age 12+, though maybe a little bit prior for special occasions.   My kids weren't getting into cars at that point when I didn't have at least have a good acquaintance relationship with the other parent. 

I can tell you neither of my kids would have any issue calling out someone for texting and driving now.  So just regular conversations about what safe driving looks like is helpful.  Both for when kids learn to drive and for riding.  

 

[theelfqueen]

I had to scold my father for texting and driving a week ago. 

[Pen]

32 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I have started following my dad’s first driving instructions to place my hands on the steering wheel at the “10 and 2” positions. So many townships are adding laws about use when driving, I want to be easily seen with both hands on the wheel!

Sorry OP, this doesn’t really answer your questions. There have been adults I wouldn't let my kids ride with for a variety of reasons before cell phones were an issue. 

 

That’s no longer recommended if you have air bags unless you’re going too slow for air bags to deploy in case of crash. 

9 and 3 may be visible enough — and not have the injury from air bag problem.  

 

 

Edited August 17, 2019 by Pen

[KathyBC]

I think people do a lot of things by themselves in their vehicles they might not do while transporting other people's kids. YMMV.

[Bambam]

I totally understand this concern, and I wouldn't have let my kids ride with anyone I knew texted while driving. Once they reached 17, we let them make the decision about which of their friends they felt safe riding with. 

My concern? All the other people texting and driving that can hit you while you are doing nothing wrong. 

[regentrude]

The adults I trust with transporting my kids I trust not to text while they are driving my kids. The kids would have TOLD me.

I am much more concerned about the texting idiots who drive the other cars that could hit the one mine ride/drive in. Far far more concerned.

[regentrude]

16 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

If another parents is offering to drive, how do you find out if they text and drive? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing people will admit to.

since you are not talking babies, your child would be able to TELL you at the first instance.

[regentrude]

16 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

I'd like to add that my concern about this is big because I know it is one of the most likely ways for my kids to be killed.

I don't think that is correct. It is more likely that the drive of another car is texting than that the person transporting your child is. People driving other people's kids tend to be more careful than when they are on their own.

[J-rap]

Maybe we've been lucky, but the people my children drive with are responsible.  They do not text and drive.  My children would tell me if they do.

Of course when they were very young, cell phones and texting weren't yet a thing.  Otherwise I guess it'd be up to me to really talk with my kids about it.  I do have a pretty good feel for the families/relatives my kids end up getting rides from though.  If I felt the drivers were unsafe, I wouldn't let my kids ride with them.

I actually do not see many drivers doing that in our state anymore.  Plus, our state just passed a law allowing only hands-free.  

 

[73349]

I've only let DS ride with one other parent (whom I'd gotten to know a bit and found responsible--also the only friend's house where he's slept over) and official scout leaders so far.

If you want to know about people's attitudes toward driving safety, you might ask them, if they offer to drive the kids, if they have any safety rules your DC should know about. For example, they might say, "Of course my car doesn't go until everyone's buckled, and I appreciate it if kids keep the noise level down. And of course I know Sally knows better than to litter!" or, "If you get the front seat, you have to answer my phone for me if it rings." (OTOH, their not saying anything like that doesn't mean they're not conscientious; they may just expect that everybody knows how to behave.)

Or you can just expect to drive your kid on your own--then you don't have to deal with people running late, etc., either.

[HomeAgain]

I worry for my kid when he's on the road, period.  It doesn't matter who's driving.  But I taught him how to be safe, how to decline riding in a car he's not comfortable, and we don't allow teen drivers to carry our kids except in slim circumstances (oldest would ride a mile in his bf's car about a year after the kid got his license.)

I'm not worried about a driver texting when they have my kid.  I do worry about the clash between traditional habits and rule of the road here.  Locals have their own quirks, like stopping in the lane to let a driver turn left in front of them.  Tourists don't do that.  My neighbor already got rear-ended this summer because of that habit.  So, yeah. Everything has its risks, but I would really dig deep if I felt that my idea of risk was overblown and figure out where that feeling is coming from and how to use facts to counter that nervousness.

[Mbelle]

I was very worried when my kids were young and so I just did all the driving.  As they got older and I got to know people better it was easier to let them go because I trusted the people they were with.

Last year my state made driving and texting(phone can not be touching any part of your body) illegal, and it has made a huge difference.  People still do it, but it's not nearly as bad as it was.

[SKL]

I don't screen who gets to drive my kids, assuming it's a responsible adult/parent.  If they had a horrible driving record, I'd probably know it and I wouldn't ask them to drive.

I just want to mention something.  I use GPS to get around a lot these days, as my kids need to be in so many different places.  I can often be seen holding my iphone and glancing to make sure I'm getting the next turn right.  Others probably assume I'm texting.  I'm sure someone here will say "well you should pull over before you look at your GPS," but that is not realistic.  I wonder how many other "texting drivers" are actually just trying to navigate properly.

[regentrude]

41 minutes ago, SKL said:

I just want to mention something.  I use GPS to get around a lot these days, as my kids need to be in so many different places.  I can often be seen holding my iphone and glancing to make sure I'm getting the next turn right.  Others probably assume I'm texting.  I'm sure someone here will say "well you should pull over before you look at your GPS," but that is not realistic.  I wonder how many other "texting drivers" are actually just trying to navigate properly.

That's not safe either. Why don't you mount it on the dashboard and let it use voice commands? 

The problem with texting drivers is real. One boardie and her son got almost killed by one.

[Mbelle]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

That's not safe either. Why don't you mount it on the dashboard and let it use voice commands? 

The problem with texting drivers is real. One boardie and her son got almost killed by one.

My dd did a defensive driving course and they had them read their phone and drive through cones.  The impact of knocking over lots of cones while trying to read the phone was very convincing about how dangerous it is. 

We have dashboard mounts and voice commands.  

[Pen]

 

47 minutes ago, SKL said:

I just want to mention something.  I use GPS to get around a lot these days, as my kids need to be in so many different places.  I can often be seen holding my iphone and glancing to make sure I'm getting the next turn right.  Others probably assume I'm texting.  I'm sure someone here will say "well you should pull over before you look at your GPS," but that is not realistic.  I wonder how many other "texting drivers" are actually just trying to navigate properly.

 

I look at maps whether paper or digital before I leave or when pulled over.  

If I am using iPhone GPS to navigate I have it “speak” to me. 

[frogger]

Cars have been made safer and safer and passenger deaths have gone down. Making people in vehicles safer regardless of driver decisions has come at a cost to pedestrians though and pedestrian deaths and injuries has risen dramatically.

 

Cars have way more blind spots due to thicker pillars that will support the weight of the car in a rollover, side airbags, head rests in the back seats that protect from whiplash but block more of the already decreased back windshield. Supposedly sensors are supposed to help but honestly any new technology has bugs that need worked out. At the same as we have decreased visability and made cars super comfortable so drivers feel completely safe and detached from outside world we have added distractions in the form of more buttons (rather than a few simple knobs for the heat or headlights which are quickly memorized and don't even need looked at) and stupid cell phones whether they are being used for navigation or something else. 

 

Consequently, pedistrian and cyclist deaths have increased dramatically since 2008. I realize that there are  more cyclists now but even walking to your work from your parking area is more dangerous. This is one reason (among others) many parents drive their children ridiculously short distances to school and activities. 

I am much more concerned with my children simply being near a road, even on a sidewalk. The last 2 boys that got hit in our town just recently were actually on the sidewalk. Even roads posted at 20mph because drivers feel safe to double the limit while looking at their phones. Even at marked crosswalks because local drivers refuse to stop at crosswalks even with flashing lights. You have to wait for a space in traffic and dash across. Even when looking both ways, someone new could be turning onto the road. 

Edited August 17, 2019 by frogger
Spelling on a phone

[katilac]

 

6 hours ago, regentrude said:

since you are not talking babies, your child would be able to TELL you at the first instance.

That assumes that the teen notices to begin with (unlikely in the third row of a van or SUV), and is also willing to tell you (wanting to ride with their friends can be a big deal for some kids). 

2 hours ago, SKL said:

  I wonder how many other "texting drivers" are actually just trying to navigate properly.

They have inexpensive devices meant to hold your phone in a viewable position for just that reason. This leaves both hands free for the wheel, and you can choose a position that doesn't involve looking down or away to the side. They are readily available almost anywhere (of course including Amazon and Walmart) for less than $20. 

Edited to add that I meant to agree that relying on voice commands is the way to go, but I do look at my GPS/phone when at red lights. 

My kids are good and sick of hearing me say that it is always better to miss a turn than wreck a car. That's why U-turns exist. We had a horrible, heartbreaking case of two moms and their daughters going to a concert together. The mom who was driving swerved because she was about to miss her turn and the SUV rolled over. One mom and one daughter died. 

Edited August 17, 2019 by katilac

[Bambam]

Since at least one kid is usually in the car if I need to use my phone GPS,  one of us puts it on voice commands, and the kid holds it and I can ask them any question that is needed. I rarely use the GPS though because I know this town and the neighboring one. I only use the GPS if we are in a large metroplex or I'm headed somewhere I don't know where it is.

My youngest will leave next week. Then I will pull over, set up the phone GPS, turn it on so the directions are audible. I don't understand why I would need to hold it to look at anything. If I did want to, I would pull over. I pull over if I get a text that I think might be important - or wait till a red light. 

[PeterPan]

8 hours ago, SKL said:

I use GPS to get around a lot these days, as my kids need to be in so many different places.  I can often be seen holding my iphone and glancing to make sure I'm getting the next turn right.  Others probably assume I'm texting.  I'm sure someone here will say "well you should pull over before you look at your GPS," but that is not realistic. 

Google will read you the instructions and gives you plenty of notice. You should not need to look at the screen.

[SKL]

I'm not saying texting and driving isn't a problem.  I've been rear-ended by a dude who was doing something on his phone.  I'm just saying not every person holding or looking at a phone is distracted.  I have had many cases where my GPS helped me make better driving decisions than I would have made otherwise.

I don't know about you guys, but my GPS randomly stops talking to me sometimes.  Also the voice doesn't tell enough info for certain complex situations that require a bit of planning.  The GPS also tells me other useful info such as the speed limit and the slowdown/traffic jam that is coming up.

As for those of you who say you look at the map before you leave, that's great if you can memorize an entire complex trip through an unfamiliar area.  I'm not that smart.  Also, GPS lady often re-routes me while I'm driving, due to changes in the traffic situation in my large metro area.  (Or if I do miss an exit, which may take me to someplace where pulling over isn't a viable option.)

I'm a one-handed driver anyway, so mounting it wouldn't really make a difference.  That said, I don't always hold it in my hand - only once in a while when I need info that GPS lady isn't voicing.

[wintermom]

We don't do a lot of carpooling, and 2 of the moms we do carpool on with occasion don't text much at all and certainly not while driving. My dd mentioned a friend's father who texted when she got a ride with him, and we do all the driving to and from this family's house now. 

[May]

I take the next door neighbors kids to various places and never text while driving. I feel it’s up to me to set a good example and get them to and back safely. When they are with me, one of them is in charge of the my phone and the GPS😊 We don’t have a mount in either one of our cars, DH doesn’t like any I have suggested😳 So, when I’m by myself, I do occasionally look down even after the verbal instructions. Youngest daughter was in a fender bender with a mom who was driving and texting.😕 Thankfully, no one was injured but as a result, I’m extra careful when driving other people’s kids.

[Pen]

15 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

I also rely heavily on gps but I have my teen in the car play navigator, using her phone to look it up. While we are driving together, there’s a lot of “hey text your dad and tell him mom says blah blah blah.”

i do wish my vehicle had a good place to mount my phone on the dashboard while I’m driving. If I’m alone and using gps, I look up the address before beginning the drive, and the phone is tucked under the seatbelt shoulder strap so I can easily hear the navigation instructions. 

 

I usually stick mine in a cup holder since I am only listening not looking, but if you have air vents there are mounts that can attach to the air vent slats

[Pen]

13 hours ago, SKL said:

I'm not saying texting and driving isn't a problem.  I've been rear-ended by a dude who was doing something on his phone.  I'm just saying not every person holding or looking at a phone is distracted.  I have had many cases where my GPS helped me make better driving decisions than I would have made otherwise.

I don't know about you guys, but my GPS randomly stops talking to me sometimes.  Also the voice doesn't tell enough info for certain complex situations that require a bit of planning.  The GPS also tells me other useful info such as the speed limit and the slowdown/traffic jam that is coming up.

As for those of you who say you look at the map before you leave, that's great if you can memorize an entire complex trip through an unfamiliar area.  I'm not that smart.  Also, GPS lady often re-routes me while I'm driving, due to changes in the traffic situation in my large metro area.  (Or if I do miss an exit, which may take me to someplace where pulling over isn't a viable option.)

I'm a one-handed driver anyway, so mounting it wouldn't really make a difference.  That said, I don't always hold it in my hand - only once in a while when I need info that GPS lady isn't voicing.

 

What GPS system are you using? 

 

What you say say you are doing is illegal in my area.  

People are supposed to get off roadway completely (not even a red light, or stop sign)— and review maps or gps or smartphones or laptops. 

 

We are in the teenager learning to drive stage and  trying to instill legal and safe habits.    “Just glance briefly at your hand held device while driving” isn’t.   

Edited August 18, 2019 by Pen

[prairiewindmomma]

A few thoughts:

1. Apple maps are more reliable for me than google. I use apple CarPlay with audio directions. That said, any audio like that is a distraction point...which brings me to point #2

2. There is a certain amount of risk that we have that we encounter everyday. It’s statistically safer for me to take public transport everywhere but I like the convenience of driving (for the most part). Even if you are a safe driver, that doesn’t protect you 100% from other unsafe drivers.

3. The teen years are really about the transition to self-governance for a teen. While we should make reasoned judgments about the big safety questions—you don’t want to launch a kid (in five years!) who can’t fully handle adult life. Many of your son’s peers will themselves be driving in a couple of years. Hold the reins lightly, iykwim.

Between this and the predator thread, I am wondering, OP, if you are feeling a bit anxious about other things in life.....

[prairiewindmomma]

The last two states I have lived in have had “hands free” laws. It is illegal to both text and drive and to hold a phone in hand. A device must either be mounted or integrated.

[Pen]

26 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

A few thoughts:

1. Apple maps are more reliable for me than google. I use apple CarPlay with audio directions. That said, any audio like that is a distraction point...which brings me to point #2

 

I also have found Apple more accurate for the voice directions.  Google got me lost last time I used it.  

However,  I like to look at Google maps first because it gives me a better topological view of the potential drive.  (Though not temporary things like construction, I can see what roads look like they will be more teen driver friendly, for example.) 

We don’t have any onboard systems yet to compare and I haven’t gotten any special app.  The iPhone plus Apple does a much better job than our former android Tracfone for navigation, but even that did allow hands free listening to directions.  

Also, if I have to do something different than advised to go with traffic flow or for some safety reason or even preference not to go a particular route, Apple readjusts quickly and gives me new directions based on my new location.  

Recently I couldn’t get to the far right lane for a freeway interchange and Apple picked up with a new route based on my new position in a complicated cloverleaf type situation extremely well.  

 

[Pen]

29 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

The last two states I have lived in have had “hands free” laws. It is illegal to both text and drive and to hold a phone in hand. A device must either be mounted or integrated.

 

 where we are also has it required to be single touch or voice command operation, not something requiring more than one touch to operate even if mounted

also According to Ds according to his current driver ed you can get a distracted driver ticket for holding drinks, food, cigarettes... as well as electronics, if they are a distraction.  And some places apparently have it illegal to eat food or drink (even non alcohol) while driving.

Because people think such things aren’t a distraction, but studies show they are.  

[Pen]

Other things to look at might be vehicle type and condition.  For example,  tires nearly bald was a concern to me with one person we knew. I’m not all that concerned about a small sporty car driven by the father of a friend of Ds who I think is a safe driver.  But a similarly small sporty car driven by a teenager would concern me.   

[TABmom]

I guess I can feel honored that no one has ever acted like they didn't want their kids to ride with me! I don't text and drive. I often have a kid answering my texts when I am driving and that seems pretty standard in our circles. I've gotten texts that were clearly written by my friend's kids while they were presumably driving. It's also not at all unusual for me to say or have said to me "sorry, I didn't see that text in time. I was driving." Texting and driving is definitely a problem- but not so much among my middle-aged mom friends. 

[SKL]

11 hours ago, Pen said:

 

 where we are also has it required to be single touch or voice command operation, not something requiring more than one touch to operate even if mounted

also According to Ds according to his current driver ed you can get a distracted driver ticket for holding drinks, food, cigarettes... as well as electronics, if they are a distraction.  And some places apparently have it illegal to eat food or drink (even non alcohol) while driving.

Because people think such things aren’t a distraction, but studies show they are.  

Last I read, drivers on long trips are advised to eat, drink, play with the radio etc. as it reduces the chances of falling asleep at the wheel.  I am sure there are offsetting pros and cons of many of these decisions.

I do think different rules are needed for people just learning to drive.  There are so many things going on - things that become mostly automatic once you have a fair amount of experience.

[frogger]

35 minutes ago, SKL said:

Last I read, drivers on long trips are advised to eat, drink, play with the radio etc. as it reduces the chances of falling asleep at the wheel.  I am sure there are offsetting pros and cons of many of these decisions.

I do think different rules are needed for people just learning to drive.  There are so many things going on - things that become mostly automatic once you have a fair amount of experience.

 

I wish people had the common sense (I'm not referring to your post but people in general) to distinguish keeping your mind semi-focused on a highway that just runs straight in the middle of nowhere and bores you out of your mind versus eating their burger while merging 20 below the speed limit onto a 4 lane freeway full of traffic going 75-80. I see that all the time though.

 

That advice does not apply to populated areas where there are pedistrians, traffic turning this way and that, and directions to follow. It is highly unlikely that this thread is talking about carpooling across long unpopulated areas.

 

Depending on where I'm at I'll pull over or peek at a stop light if no one else is with me to give directions. Google maps pretty much always works for me but sometimes I like to actual see the map too and so I pull over.

 

My major issue is with actually paying attention to what is going on around you not hands on the steering wheel but I guess hands free laws do(if obeyed) keep people from texting and clicking through stuff which is also taking their attention off the road and their eyes off the road too. From what I can tell many American drivers are oblivious to everything around them. They can cut off a tractor trailer and be completely unaware and never speed up or modify their position or speed what so ever.

Edited August 19, 2019 by frogger