Why do people make comments about other’s weight?

[school17777]

It seems at big gatherings, someone comments on someone else’s weight, sometimes as a compliment, sometimes as a criticism.  I don’t understand commenting at all, especially if it’s a criticism.

[Guest]

Generally to feel better about themselves. I doubt it works well in the long term, but maybe they feel better if they can say, “well, at least I’m not as big as Aunt Marge!” 

[Pawz4me]

I don't know why. I don't think it's always to feel better about themselves, though. 

It is extremely rude.

[I talk to the trees]

My mother does this just about every time we are out together. It almost always starts with "I know I'm not skinny-mini, but..." (She has been overweight/ mildly obese her whole life,) and ends with some criticism of someone she can point to who is larger than she is. Drives.me.bonkers. But I have learned to ignore and/or redirect the conversation over the years.🙄

[scholastica]

We have a close family member who does this. She is obsessed with other people’s weight. She is very prejudiced against overweight people. She also treats them like they don’t know how to eat or exercise and it is her duty to inform them. She places a high value on thinness and sees it as a moral failing to gain weight. She has never had the misfortune of circumstances beyond her control causing her to gain weight and has always had the good fortune of the time available to her to exercise and the funds to eat what she chooses.

[JustEm]

Because, we as a society are obsessed with weight.

[JustEm]

Just now, happysmileylady said:

That exactly what I was going to post.  I don't understand the obsession.  

 

Oh, I understand it.  Companies are constantly marketing to us saying that we NEED this to fix an issue we didn't know we had. We hear it so much that all of a sudden something that wasn't a problem now is.  Example,  Listerine used to be a cleaning product until marketers decided they could sell it to the public by convincing them they needed it for their stinky breath (ads even said that people were talking about you behind you back because your breath smelled but you couldn't tell.) 

So with weight, we are constantly bombarded with images and statements about the optimal weight or look in order to sell us something.  All of a sudden it is a an issue and people need to fix it.

[gardenmom5]

in my experience - people who enjoy telling others about what they can do to improve their lives (like lose weight) - is becasue they feel out of control in their own life.   so, by them telling someone they're fat (or whatever) - they can feel superior at something.    and there are definitely subcultures that are obsessed with looks - and weight plays a part.

now - if I could just get sil to stop commenting on her own weight and what she does to exercise.  frankly my dear, I don't give a hoot. (and I'm tired of hearing about it)   now, her years of being morbidly obese (despite a lapband), has left her with difficulty walking.   

so there is weight for looks and weight for health.  (and the health thing is limited to your dr or your spouse for politeness - and it depends how your spouse says it.)

Edited December 27, 2018 by gardenmom5

[Guest]

38 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 

Oh, I understand it.  Companies are constantly marketing to us saying that we NEED this to fix an issue we didn't know we had. We hear it so much that all of a sudden something that wasn't a problem now is.  Example,  Listerine used to be a cleaning product until marketers decided they could sell it to the public by convincing them they needed it for their stinky breath (ads even said that people were talking about you behind you back because your breath smelled but you couldn't tell.) 

So with weight, we are constantly bombarded with images and statements about the optimal weight or look in order to sell us something.  All of a sudden it is a an issue and people need to fix it.

Yup. I remember the Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo commercials when I was young where it would show one nice-looking person admiring another but thinking to themselves, “That little itch...it could be dandruff!” I remember being afraid to scratch an itch on my head in public because of that dang commercial! 

Also, the Febreeze commercials capitalize on exactly this fear, too...”have you gone nose-blind...it smells fine to you, but your guests smell this...” 

There’s also an interior paint commercial in two versions: one in which the man is afraid his MIL will not approve of the paint choices and another where a snobby female friend? Or sister? Comes in ready to judge the paint color choices. In both cases, the main character is so happy when the critic is “impressed” or explains your success as, “Ooooh, you must have used a designer!” I always thingk, “Why do these people care what the snobby MIL or friend thinks? And I would be more bothered they thought I was incompetent at picking out a color!” 

[Guest]

I have one SIL who apparently thinks the only correct size to be is whatever size she happens to be. She will gossip about anyone who has gained weight but she also back-stabs anyone thinner than she is, too. (I have even heard her do this about her grown daughter.) 

It’s very obnoxious. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

So what’s the comeback? What if you recently lost a lot of weight and someone goes beyond commenting and goes on and on about how you did it? And you don’t want to say you discovered you had some medical challenges that caused the whole thing because it’s nobody’s business? What’s a clever reply to shut down the inquisition?

“I’m just generally following better health.”

”My doctor helped design a plan for me.”

”I’m really rockin’ the Spanxs this year.” 

”None of your damn business.” 😄

 

[EMS83]

11 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

So what’s the comeback? What if you recently lost a lot of weight and someone goes beyond commenting and goes on and on about how you did it? And you don’t want to say you discovered you had some medical challenges that caused the whole thing because it’s nobody’s business? What’s a clever reply to shut down the inquisition?

 

Actually I would love a more generalized, "I know this is obvious and I don't want to talk (to you) about it" response that's still kind.

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, CES2005 said:

 

Actually I would love a more generalized, "I know this is obvious and I don't want to talk (to you) about it" response that's still kind.

“Ohhh, I’m really not too comfortable focusing on my shape/size/weight with other people.  Sorry.”

[Tanaqui]

35 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

So what’s the comeback? What if you recently lost a lot of weight and someone goes beyond commenting and goes on and on about how you did it? And you don’t want to say you discovered you had some medical challenges that caused the whole thing because it’s nobody’s business? What’s a clever reply to shut down the inquisition?

 

"Wow, that's a really personal question!" or "Gosh, I just don't know how to answer that, so I'm not gonna!"

Quote

Actually I would love a more generalized, "I know this is obvious and I don't want to talk (to you) about it" response that's still kind.

 

"I know you mean well, but I don't talk about X" or perhaps "Oh, you must not have heard - in my family, we don't say the X-word" (where X is the initial of whatever it is. As an example, when people corner me to complain about a certain person who happens to live in a certain White House, I say that we don't talk about the T-word. If they continue, I have been known to cover my ears and go "LALALALA!" but I make no claims to either kindness nor maturity. That person takes up enough of my headspace as it is.)

Either way, immediately change the subject.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

“I’m just generally following better health.”

 

I actually wouldn't use that one at all, even if it's true for me, because often if a person doesn't want to talk about weight loss it's because the weight loss is connected with health that's taken a turn for the worse. I don't want to contribute to the message that thinner = better, healthier even if it's true in my specific case. (I may be overthinking this.)

[goldberry]

My parents have always mentioned weight in either a "trying to be helpful" way or "just an observation" way.  I got kind of used to it because they've always been that way.  They will also say if they don't like my hair or my clothing choices.  But it's easy to blow off because they are loving parents otherwise, just VERY direct people.  They would never comment like that outside the family though.

I once had someone I had just met tell me that although my makeup was very pretty I REALLY needed to darken my eyebrows.  I remember just looking at them with a puzzled/shocked expression.  I have trouble moderating facial expressions, so probably if someone other than my parents commented on my weight, I wouldn't be able to hide my reaction well!

[Granny_Weatherwax]

What about the not so passive-aggressive comments -

"It looks like you decided not to get the gym membership after all, eh?"

"I think you need to change the temp setting on your dryer. Your clothes are shrinking."

[retiredHSmom]

19 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I actually wouldn't use that one at all, even if it's true for me, because often if a person doesn't want to talk about weight loss it's because the weight loss is connected with health that's taken a turn for the worse. I don't want to contribute to the message that thinner = better, healthier even if it's true in my specific case. (I may be overthinking this.)

You are not overthinking this.  

Do not comment on a person's weight...ever.

I have a daughter with anorexia, I can't tell you how much it triggers her when people comment on her weight (usually complimentary) because while Americans think thinner is better it is not true and she actually needs to and is gaining weight and it kills her when people mention her weight because she worries that if she looks great now she will look bad when she reaches the weight that her doctor and dietician have decided is healthy for her.

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I actually wouldn't use that one at all, even if it's true for me, because often if a person doesn't want to talk about weight loss it's because the weight loss is connected with health that's taken a turn for the worse. I don't want to contribute to the message that thinner = better, healthier even if it's true in my specific case. (I may be overthinking this.)

That’s true. Good point. 

I have heard people joke, “Oh, I’m on the Horrible Flu diet! Dropped twenty pounds in three days!” I think that’s pretty funny! 

[J-rap]

I don't know why either.  I hate it.  I feel tense anytime I hear someone make a comment about anyone's weight, whether it's a praise  (like "oh, isn't she cute with that cute figure!")  or a criticism.  I also hate it when people say things like, "Oh I feel so fat after that meal!" 

Why do people do it?  I think it's just so engrained in our culture to talk about weight and judge people by it.  Even my own family (parents and older siblings) makes little comments about it.  They never say it directly TO someone.  Just little comments to each other like, "that cute waitress with the slim figure" or "that fat family over there."  Except the "cute" is always associated with "slim" and "fat" is always associated with something negative.  These are otherwise very loving and kind people.  I truly don't understand how smart, kind people do not get it.

[Jyhwkmama]

42 minutes ago, The Accidental Coach said:

What about the not so passive-aggressive comments -

"It looks like you decided not to get the gym membership after all, eh?"

"I think you need to change the temp setting on your dryer. Your clothes are shrinking."

 

The only correct response to these is "#### you."

Seriously. Who makes comments like that????

[Kassia]

48 minutes ago, retiredHSmom said:

 

Do not comment on a person's weight...ever.

I have a daughter with anorexia, I can't tell you how much it triggers her when people comment on her weight (usually complimentary) because while Americans think thinner is better it is not true and she actually needs to and is gaining weight and it kills her when people mention her weight because she worries that if she looks great now she will look bad when she reaches the weight that her doctor and dietician have decided is healthy for her.

 

I'm so sorry.  I'm 51 and have had eating disorders since I was a young child.  I hate having anyone comment on my weight - good or bad.  It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious and ashamed.  I'm glad your dd is working with a doctor and dietitian and wish her a complete ecovery.  

 

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I actually wouldn't use that one at all, even if it's true for me, because often if a person doesn't want to talk about weight loss it's because the weight loss is connected with health that's taken a turn for the worse. I don't want to contribute to the message that thinner = better, healthier even if it's true in my specific case. (I may be overthinking this.)

 

Yes!  My SIL lost a lot of weight when she had breast cancer.  It was not a good thing.  People would always tell her how great she was looking even though the weight loss was due to stage 4 cancer that ended up killing her. Even after that, my FIL made a big deal about how great I looked when I lost weight.  I was stunned after he watched his poor daughter waste away from being sick.  

 

I do know that some people enjoy compliments when they lose weight and get disappointed or discouraged if they think people don't notice.  I don't understand it but I have friends who feel that way.  

 

 

[school17777]

3 hours ago, scholastica said:

We have a close family member who does this. She is obsessed with other people’s weight. She is very prejudiced against overweight people. She also treats them like they don’t know how to eat or exercise and it is her duty to inform them. She places a high value on thinness and sees it as a moral failing to gain weight. She has never had the misfortune of circumstances beyond her control causing her to gain weight and has always had the good fortune of the time available to her to exercise and the funds to eat what she chooses.

 

I didn’t know you are related to my stepmom!

[regentrude]

20 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I do know that some people enjoy compliments when they lose weight and get disappointed or discouraged if they think people don't notice.  I don't understand it but I have friends who feel that way.  

I feel it's complicated. If my friend lost 140 lbs since I last saw her (because she finally got the bariatric surgery she had been wanting for years and  preparing for for months), it feels disingenuous to ignore that and not mention it. There is no way I can pretend not to notice, and ignoring it sends the message that I don't care about this very big thing that has been going on in her life.

It's very different from commenting on random strangers (which I cannot ever see a reason for), or commenting on small weight changes in a friend.

Edited December 28, 2018 by regentrude

[homemommy83]

When I was overdue with my 5th born...my husband's grandmother sees me in the middle of our last date before my baby is being born and goes as loud as she could."Oh My God Brenda you have just gotten so fat!"  I think every woman in the room wanted to stab her with their knife as it was obvious that I was having contractions every 3 minutes ( I did that without dilating outwardly for the last 8 weeks of that pregnancy-to say exhausting would be an understatement) and was clearly due. 

I also was still in a normal weight even while expecting, but he was 10 pounds and I had excess amniotic fluid so my stomach was huge...but I wasn't anywhere else...so it was clear to everyone that I was having a baby.

I bluntly told her that she was rude and that no I am not fat...I am 3 weeks overdue having your great grandson.  The overdue part was my midwife fault...and another story😉.

People can just be so rude.  Just consider the source.  

 

[JustEm]

8 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I feel it's complicated. If my friend lost 140 lbs since I last saw her (because she finally got the bariatric surgery she had been wanting for years and  preparing for for months), it feels disingenuous to ignore that and not mention it. There is no way I can pretend not to notice, and ignoring it sends the message that I don't care about this very big thing that has been going on in her life.

It's very different from commenting on random strangers (which I cannot ever see a reason for), or commenting on small weight changes in a friend.

 

I think if you have a friend who has extensively talked about their struggles with you and confides in you about how they plan to get to a healthy point for them, then you shouldn't ignore it.  Of course you talk about the success in the journey that they've shared with you.  But what you don't do is have that conversation in public with people around who haven't been part of your friends journey or who she didn't confide in.  

Likewise, if you have a friend who has never once mentioned their weight issues with you and you have no idea how they feel about being overweight and then you see them and they've lost a lot of weight, you don't mention it.  You allow them to bring it up if they want to discuss it.

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Because, we as a society are obsessed with weight.

And more obsessed society becomes the more people become obese. 

[Shoeless]

2 hours ago, Seasider too said:

So what’s the comeback? What if you recently lost a lot of weight and someone goes beyond commenting and goes on and on about how you did it? And you don’t want to say you discovered you had some medical challenges that caused the whole thing because it’s nobody’s business? What’s a clever reply to shut down the inquisition?

 

"Wow, you sure do ask a lot of very personal questions!"  Then silence.

If they press on "This is personal/making me feel awkward, so I'm ending the conversation now".  Then subject change or walking away. 

I don't feel either response is rude as long as there isn't a biting tone when spoken.  If they feel embarrassed, well, I dunno, maybe they shouldn't ask questions that make others feel awkward. 

Hand the awkwardness right back to them. 

[Kassia]

34 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

"Wow, you sure do ask a lot of very personal questions!"  Then silence.

If they press on "This is personal/making me feel awkward, so I'm ending the conversation now".  Then subject change or walking away. 

I don't feel either response is rude as long as there isn't a biting tone when spoken.  If they feel embarrassed, well, I dunno, maybe they shouldn't ask questions that make others feel awkward. 

Hand the awkwardness right back to them. 

 

Great responses. Thank you.

The last time I lost weight I had a lot of people comment on it.  It felt so awkward for me and I didn't know what to say.  One neighbor said I was looking very fit, which made me feel a lot more comfortable than people saying I looked thinner.  Another neighbor said she hoped I didn't lose weight due to being ill but that felt awkward to me, too.  I've gained weight quickly this year due to health issues and I'm really self-conscious about it.  It seems like people are fine with mentioning weight loss but not weight gain - I picture everyone judging me behind my back now.  😞  

[TravelingChris]

I was flustered last time someone noticed I lost weight.  People were complimenting me but I lose weight due to illness and I gain due to medications.  I only compliment someone who I know is trying to lose weight.

[Liz CA]

In general, I stick to: 'You look great" if somehow I feel I should comment for instance if someone has either lost weight and had been working on it for a while or if someone who had been too thin due to whatever has finally gained a little. 

[skimomma]

I am one of those people that just does not notice changes in people's weight.  I am better about noticing a new hair cut or glasses frames, but even those often go by unnoticed by me.  People have gotten offended by my lack of comment about weight loss.  The fact is, I probably didn't notice and if I did I would never say anything.  I get comments about my weight all. the. time. and it is very awkward.  I just try to avoid the whole topic whenever I can.  But what do you say when someone says, "you haven't said anything about the 20 pounds I lost?"  

[HS Mom in NC]

Because America is focused on materialism (as in the material world: physical bodies and material goods.) It's a shallowness that permeates the culture rather than highly valuing the immaterial things that matter most: relationships and ideas.  We live in a society that wants to distract itself from any thought or greater sense of meaning.  Don't believe me?  Why else would there be music piped into parking lots and video screens at gas pumps?  America in general hates focusing anything that matters.

[gardenmom5]

13 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

"Wow, you sure do ask a lot of very personal questions!"  Then silence.

If they press on "This is personal/making me feel awkward, so I'm ending the conversation now".  Then subject change or walking away. 

I don't feel either response is rude as long as there isn't a biting tone when spoken.  If they feel embarrassed, well, I dunno, maybe they shouldn't ask questions that make others feel awkward. 

Hand the awkwardness right back to them. 

fits MANY questions people ask.

 

one I got was:

I know this is a personal question - but was this pregnancy planned?   --- you're right, that is a personal question. . . . . . . . (change subject.)

[Spryte]

18 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

My mother does this just about every time we are out together. It almost always starts with "I know I'm not skinny-mini, but..." (She has been overweight/ mildly obese her whole life,) and ends with some criticism of someone she can point to who is larger than she is. Drives.me.bonkers. But I have learned to ignore and/or redirect the conversation over the years.🙄

 

Wait.  We are twins?

[Tanaqui]

Quote

But what do you say when someone says, "you haven't said anything about the 20 pounds I lost?"  

 

"I was taught that it's not polite to talk about other people's appearance, good or bad."