WWYD? Congratulations or silence?

[Scarlett]

If you knew a couple who just got engaged....and the relationship seems ick to you.....but it appears to be legal and not immoral......do you say 'congratulations?'  Or silence?

[vmsurbat1]

If I was in a position that I needed to say something, I would tell them  "I wish you every happiness" and leave it at that.

 

[AmandaVT]

If someone came to me and told me they just got engaged, the correct answer is always "Congratulations." (IMO) Silence would be rude and questioning the relationship also rude, even if the future spouse is three times their age and a gold digger. In the moment, the person coming to me is only looking for congratulations and support and anything else I could say wouldn't be well received. 

I had this happen a few years ago with a friend who got engaged (and later married) her boyfriend who is a raging alcoholic and barely functional. It was so hard, but I had already voiced my concerns prior to them getting engaged, so there was no benefit to me saying anything except congrats. 

[Scarlett]

How about social media?  Do you keep scrolling or say congrats?

 

[Bootsie]

I would say something like "wishing you the best..."  

[Annie G]

‘Wishing you the best’ is perfect. They will be happy to read it, and it really is true. You wish them the best, even if ‘the best’ means they break up. 

Dh’s childhood best friend was widowed a year and a half ago and he’s already been engaged twice since then. Both have been broken off by the girl, most recent one being last week. We’ve gotten really good at generic ‘wishing you the best’ kind of sentiments.  

[Scarlett]

I guess I am worried about appearing to condone this relationship in a public way that other young girls will be seeing.....but I don't want to be petty.  

[maize]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I guess I am worried about appearing to condone this relationship in a public way that other young girls will be seeing.....but I don't want to be petty.  

I doubt a social media comment such as "wishing you the best" would have any impact whatsoever on future decisions by other young women who may see it. And neither would silence from you on social media. I think it is reasonable to express good wishes to let the new fiancée know (it sounds like that is who posted?) you care about her and are not condemning her, especially if this is someone who may need to feel she has friends should things turn sour in her future.

[Junie]

If you respond to most posts by this person, I would just say congratulations.  If you sometimes respond or sometimes not, I might just skip it.

  

[Chris in VA]

Etiquette Fun Fact: You always say congratulations to the future groom, but felicitations to the future bride, as congrats implies the winning of a prize, and the bride IS the prize.??

 

[Pen]

Wishing you the best. Or wishing you great happiness. 

I had been taught one doesn’t say Congratulations to people marrying anyway as it supposedly sounds like someone successfully hooked someone and reeled zim in. 

[mathnerd]

If you don't respond to all the posts by this person and miss a lot of them, then it is OK to ignore this one. If you don't want to be seen condoning this relationship, and you do not respond on social media all the time to this person, then just stay silent. If you comment on all their posts, then, say "best wishes" and leave it at that.

Edited November 16, 2018 by mathnerd

[hippiemamato3]

It costs you nothing at all to say something kind. 

[Scarlett]

There has been so much tension around this situation.  The girl's social media has been almost completely silent for a year because they know so many disapprove.  So I had to go back a year to see a post of hers that I 'liked'.  Ugh.  I feel so torn.  

Edited November 16, 2018 by Scarlett

[HS Mom in NC]

Congratulations to both male and female.  Felicitations is antiquated and not culturally relevant today. 
No polite response or silence will influence anyone's future behavior.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I guess I am worried about appearing to condone this relationship in a public way that other young girls will be seeing.....but I don't want to be petty.  

I think you overestimate the effect your response (or non-response) has on other young girls. I doubt they care.

[regentrude]

18 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

There has been so much tension around this situation.  The girl's social media has been almost completely silent for a year because they know so many disapprove.  So I had to go back a year to see a post of hers that I 'liked'.  Ugh.  I feel so torn.  

If you do not routinely see posts from this person and don't care enough to seek them out, there is no reason to respond at all.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

How about social media?  Do you keep scrolling or say congrats?

 

social media can usually be ignored. (unless they are a close family member/friend.)

if that, or in person . . . best wishes.

[Scarlett]

Just now, gardenmom5 said:

social media can usually be ignored. (unless they are a close family member/friend.)

if that, or in person . . . best wishes.

The family was very close to us.  The girl and my boys were close friends....until she was allowed to start dating this man.  There has been a lot of tension.  I don't want to continue the tension, but I don't want to be a fake.  

 

 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

Are you going to be invited to the wedding?  

"Best wishes for your happiness" gets my vote.  

A priest I know once said that his least favorite part of his responsibilities was pre-marital counseling "because you are talking to people about the most important decision they will ever make in their lives at their least teachable moment."   

A well observed statement.  It's also given me a clue as to how much the couple is going to care what I think--and I am in the middle of this with a friend and her adult child at the moment. UGH.   

I would not be surprised if I was not invited.  I cannot explain how back and forth I am on this.   Because what you say above is true.  THEY don't care what I think.  Any young girl in my life I can discuss this type situation directly....my boys are even more disgusted than dh and myself are. So not sure there is a point to standing on my principle.  I mean I do not wish them to get married  and then fail.  Maybe they will be very happy.  And really it is not  my business (this is what I keep saying to ds because he is REALLY affected by it to the point he thinks someone should 'do' something--so I spend a lot of time trying to talk him down)…..

Ugh. I think I will let the social media post but when I see her/him in person (which I will) I will do my best to smile and wish them well.  I like the 'you must be so excited.'  ?

[Bootsie]

In similar situations, I try to focus on what the underlying principle I am trying to support is.  I support the idea of a Christian marriage, commitment, etc.  I can wish them the best as they navigate this commitment   

[SKL]

Congratulations, if the person would notice silence.

If social media and the person isn't someone I deal with IRL, I could definitely see scrolling past it.

Wondering what could be ick while neither illegal nor immoral ....

[Farrar]

I don't think you should belabor it. I do think it's fine to not say anything on social media. People will just assume you didn't see it - the algorithms are weird. In person, I think it would very rude to not say anything if you see them and they tell you. But a compromise phrase like, "I hope everything works out well," seems totally fine. Hopefully you do hope that.

[Tanaqui]

You give them their best wishes. It's not fake, because I'm sure you do want the best for this person. And then you remind yourself that other people's life choices aren't your business. (I have trouble with that last one too. I can be sooooo judgmental. But it's not good for me.)

[PrincessMommy]

I think it is fine not to say anything on social media.  It is vastly different than being told in person.

And, I understand the conflict.  Someone who knows they're doing something that many people disapprove of will cling to any approval for validation.  

[Scarlett]

Thanks everyone.  I feel better spilling it here.  ?  

[Scarlett]

38 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

I get that it's hard- especially for your sons. I know at that age I was full of opinions and it was honestly really hard to watch friends make really bad decisions. But I think with age after you see something that seems like unavoidable disasters pan into something good it gives some perspective that there's no real way of knowing when things will work out and when they won't. Even matches made in heaven can end in divorce, you know? 

 

Yes the above bolded is true.  

[Scarlett]

25 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

You give them their best wishes. It's not fake, because I'm sure you do want the best for this person. And then you remind yourself that other people's life choices aren't your business. (I have trouble with that last one too. I can be sooooo judgmental. But it's not good for me.)

Yes, I do want what is best for both of them.  

[GoodGrief]

I think it's fine to avoid saying anything on social media. In person, you can show interest by asking factual questions about plans and such without showing fake excitement, and a nice hug is appropriate.

[maize]

46 minutes ago, SKL said:

 

Wondering what could be ick while neither illegal nor immoral ....

50 year old man marrying a 20 year old woman would be ick to me but neither illegal nor counter to most religious moral codes.

[Katy]

Normally I would say nothing on social media.  But given the particular relationship you describe I would probably say something like "Best wishes for your future happiness!"

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, maize said:

50 year old man marrying a 20 year old woman would be ick to me but neither illegal nor counter to most religious moral codes.

26 year old marrying 17 year old.  

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

Personally, I’d try and look at it as a positive that he’s marrying her and not just shacking up until something better comes along. Who knows what will happen in the long run. At least they’re trying to make a go of it. That’s how I see it. Lots of people marry young and have great marriages. Unless there’s some sort of duress but sound like she’s choosing this and is genuinely happy? 

Right, it appears they are being moral.  Her parents are very much involved....but they are so young....closer to the man's age than the man is to the 17 year old!!!  My boys just see it as an old man preying on a young girl....I don't think it is quite like that...but still.  Several things make it seem worse than it probably actually is.  She looks like a little girl....he looks MUCH older than he is....he doesn't even have his own place yet (but I did hear he was getting an apartment soon)…..but in the end, they (and her parents because they will have to sign) get to make this decision.

[May]

I’d just keep scrolling. I’m sure the couple is aware of the disapproval by many.

[regentrude]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Right, it appears they are being moral.  Her parents are very much involved....but they are so young....closer to the man's age than the man is to the 17 year old!!!  My boys just see it as an old man preying on a young girl....I don't think it is quite like that...but still.  Several things make it seem worse than it probably actually is.  She looks like a little girl....he looks MUCH older than he is....he doesn't even have his own place yet (but I did hear he was getting an apartment soon)…..but in the end, they (and her parents because they will have to sign) get to make this decision.

Her and his looks are irrelevant. Whether the man has his own place is neither - plenty of young couples get married and live with family for a while.

Would you be equally upset if the groom were 18? My main concern would be the young age to make such a decision, not the age gap. As a parent, I would not consent to an underage marriage; I'd just tell them to wait. But whatever, just wish them happiness or ignore the social media post

 

Edited November 16, 2018 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Her and his looks are irrelevant. Whether the man has his own place is neither - plenty of young couples get married and live with family for a while.

Would you be equally upset if the groom were 18? My main concern would be the young age to make such a decision, not the age gap. As a parent, I would not consent to an underage marriage; I'd just tell them to wait. But whatever, just wish them happiness or ignore the social media post

 

They might make her wait....but I've been hearing through the grape vine for months that the wedding is planned for before she turns 18.  

[Scarlett]

And it is difficult to explain why it is affecting so many people so negatively.  No I would not feel as upset if he were 18....he just seems waaaay to old for her especially since this has been going on since before she was even 16.  

[Scarlett]

The boys have a pair of friends.  They began dating when she was 19 and he was 29.  They got married before she was 20.  We were VERY happy for them.  So even though that age span is more it just seemed different....she had lived on her own for a year before they started dating....she was of legal age before they started dating....it just had an entirely different feel. 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

And it is difficult to explain why it is affecting so many people so negatively.

yeah, I don't get the "so many people". I can see that the immediate family is concerned - but how can it affect strangers so much?

[Scarlett]

Just now, regentrude said:

yeah, I don't get the "so many people". I can see that the immediate family is concerned - but how can it affect strangers so much?

I didn't say strangers.  A lot of friends and a lot of family.  We were very very close.  And others were too.

[Katy]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

yeah, I don't get the "so many people". I can see that the immediate family is concerned - but how can it affect strangers so much?

 

Small religious community in a small town.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Katy said:

 

Small religious community in a small town.

Right....but  not just our little town either.  She has a lot of friends from all over. 

[Bootsie]

23 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Right, it appears they are being moral.  Her parents are very much involved....but they are so young....closer to the man's age than the man is to the 17 year old!!!  My boys just see it as an old man preying on a young girl....I don't think it is quite like that...but still.  Several things make it seem worse than it probably actually is.  She looks like a little girl....he looks MUCH older than he is....he doesn't even have his own place yet (but I did hear he was getting an apartment soon)…..but in the end, they (and her parents because they will have to sign) get to make this decision.

So she's 17 and he is 26--nine years difference and he is closer to her parents age--which would put them less than 35, which means they were probably about her age when she was born.  Maybe they do not think they made such a big mistake themselves marrying at that age.  Although it is not what I would recommend for my children, I do know some couples that married at that age, even some with significant age differences, that have had long, happy, successful marriages.  

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I know of many couples who married young with an even wider age gap.  It was common in my parent's generation.  They had long, loving relationships.  

This girl and her fiancé may be quite close in maturity levels, especially since it sounds like he is just now starting to get his act together.  26 really isn't that old, especially for young men.  And, I can see it from her parents' point of view.  At least if they're legally married, he is showing his commitment to her.  

I would just wish them all the happiness in the world.  Things will be tough for them.  They need support, not condemnation, even if their choice to marry young isn't ideal.  Young marriage worked in the past in large part because the families provided a support system for the young couples.  I don't think young marriage is destined to fail.  Not with strong support to provide scaffolding while they get their legs under them.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

Is there a chance one of your ds’s harbors more than platonic feelings for her? (not that you need to tell us- just for you to consider) but that could be adding to the difficulty for him/them about the situation. 

They were all really close and there was a time I think she did like my ds VERY much and maybe he liked her...hard to say....It has been several years, they were way too young.  But I honestly do not believe that is the reason my boys are so disgusted.  Especially since every one is affected the same way.  Adults, girls--everyone.  We all do realize we have to just deal with our own disgust because people get to make their own decisions.  But it is hard for teens because like TXMom said up thread teens are very opinionated.

Edited to add oh ha I was talking to you about you TXmom.  LOL

Edited November 16, 2018 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, jdahlquist said:

So she's 17 and he is 26--nine years difference and he is closer to her parents age--which would put them less than 35, which means they were probably about her age when she was born.  Maybe they do not think they made such a big mistake themselves marrying at that age.  Although it is not what I would recommend for my children, I do know some couples that married at that age, even some with significant age differences, that have had long, happy, successful marriages.  

They had her when they were 16.  They have both always very much said it was NOT what they wish had happened.  They have NOT Had an easy marriage.  Not at all.

[Xahm]

Frankly, I'd find it a bit icky, too. I knew a similar couple. I think he began expressing interest when she was 14 or 15 and he was around 23. Her parents set strict rules regarding their presence at all times until the girl turned 17 or so and limited physical contact to basically none. Now they are married and I hope the best for them. It was a rough courtship for them. He was clearly physically frustrated by this and spent part of their courtship stalking me to try (unsuccessfully) to get that physical desire met, which certainly colors how I felt about this relationship. Really I was just relieved when they finally got engaged so that he would leave me alone, but I was just a little older than the girl in question at the time, so I justify that selfish reaction to myself. 

That was all pretty unrelated to the matter at hand, sorry. I really hate those relationships that start with a girl so young. A fifteen year old should be light years less mature than a twenty four year old. If not, odds are that as she does mature, she will quickly grow past him, and if they are already married by that point, that could lead to real problems.

[Scarlett]

15 minutes ago, xahm said:

Frankly, I'd find it a bit icky, too. I knew a similar couple. I think he began expressing interest when she was 14 or 15 and he was around 23. Her parents set strict rules regarding their presence at all times until the girl turned 17 or so and limited physical contact to basically none. Now they are married and I hope the best for them. It was a rough courtship for them. He was clearly physically frustrated by this and spent part of their courtship stalking me to try (unsuccessfully) to get that physical desire met, which certainly colors how I felt about this relationship. Really I was just relieved when they finally got engaged so that he would leave me alone, but I was just a little older than the girl in question at the time, so I justify that selfish reaction to myself. 

That was all pretty unrelated to the matter at hand, sorry. I really hate those relationships that start with a girl so young. A fifteen year old should be light years less mature than a twenty four year old. If not, odds are that as she does mature, she will quickly grow past him, and if they are already married by that point, that could lead to real problems.

Exactly.  She was too young to make the decision to even DATE him much less have that lead to marrying him before she is even 18.

[Wheres Toto]

It doesn't seem like an ideal situation but 'disgust' seems like an awful strong reaction.   

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Where's Toto? said:

It doesn't seem like an ideal situation but 'disgust' seems like an awful strong reaction.   

Maybe.  But it is how it has affected MANY people who have watched her grow up.