Need to learn to pass the bean dip (JAWM)

[saw]

So DDs were homeschooled for high school and not once did I get a negative comment like so many get about homeschooling. I knew a few friends who probably didn't "approve", but they had the courtesy not to say this. So I never really practiced my pass the bean dip approach. Then last night I was totally blindsided at Scouts by a Scout mom who is rarely there (older Scout who is close to Eagle but can't be bothered to finish up) who asked DS12 how school was going (her son attended the same school DS left when he was that age). DS12 says no, I left X school and am homeschooled. That prompted a near-rant from this mom about how I couldn't do this because the poor kid needs to socialise and be with friends and why on earth couldn't I find another school? So I said I can't afford the private schools at that level and the school he had been in was fairly cheap. She said surely there must be another school and why not public school? So I said I live in a crappy neighbourhood and the schools are horrible. She said what about School X, which I've never heard of, or what about the selective publics that are about an hour or so away from us? Well, kids are tutored for years to get into these. No way DS would get in and plus he's missed the deadlines. But she wouldn't stop! She just kept pushing and demanding that there could be a school! I finally said no school will ever take him because he has an ed psych report saying he's ADHD. When she wouldn't stop I finally lost it and said well DDs were homeschooled and they're at [name of prestigious college 1 and prestigious college 2] so they turned out okay. Not something I'm proud of bragging about. 

I need to learn to stop these conversations or at least avoid this mom. I now feel horrible for having had to admit in public that I (single mom, four kids) cannot afford private school, don't live in the fancy expat area and have a kid with SN. It's a very wealthy Troop, and I do okay financially (weird financial situation) but am not paying private school fees for a crappy school when my DS can do better at home, even though it's super-difficult having him home and working.

Thanks for putting up with the rant -- I don't think I will need to deal with her often in the future, thank goodness, but will make a point to think of a way to deflect the conversation.

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

Eh. Don't feel shame on her account. She doesn't deserve such attention.

[Ausmumof3]

Yep!  Don’t engage from the outset.  Find a line like “that’s how we choose to educate” or “this is our families choice” and don’t go into it.  The more you give reasons the longer this stuff goes for.  You need a polite but firm way of letting people know it’s not up for discussion.

[regentrude]

I actually think your answer of telling her the colleges your kids attend is a brilliant one. It substantiates the "this works well for our family".

You should be proud of that. 

 

Edited October 9, 2018 by regentrude

[mumto2]

My choice to home educate has been questioned frequently and impolitely in two places where we have lived by strangers.  My experiences pretty much show the only way to make someone like that quit is a fact like you used regarding your daughters.  

 

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. When we homeschooled, I only had one unpleasant conversation -- with DH's aunt at a family gathering. I felt trapped, as I couldn't figure out a way to end the conversation and walk away without seeming rude. She was not rude herself but was asking pointed questions that revealed her disapproval.

It's hard to predict when that will happen. I always welcomed positive conversations about homeschooling, so I didn't want to have a "never engage with anyone and shut down all conversations" approach. I didn't want to be generally unapproachable or isolate myself from conversations. I was, therefore, taken aback to end up in an uncomfortable exchange.

I think the next time someone starts asking pointed questions, don't let yourself be pulled in by answering them or offering the reasons why you homeschool. You can practice a stock response such as, "Homeschooling works for our family, and we're happy." And then the key is to ask a question on a different topic immediately, so that the conversation shifts. If they persist, you could follow up with the information about your college kids' success and then state blankly, "I don't need any advice about this. Let's talk about something else."

Thinking of these topic turning comments can be hard on the fly, and it can definitely feel awkward, so it can help to practice ahead of time.

You definitely don't need to reveal private things about your family, such as finances and special needs. Unless you want to!!

[Acadie]

Free yourself from the notion that you need to respond to specific questions and challenges on your reasons for homeschooling. You're the parent and you're making the best decisions you can, based on your children's needs and the educational and financial resources available to your family. You don't need to justify, argue, defend or explain why to anyone, much less an aggressive, judgmental person who has boundary issues! 

I agree there's nothing wrong with stating that homeschooling is a good choice for your family, and that your homeschooled daughters are doing well at x and y universities. I also agree that you have much to be proud of! High achieving students make it easy to feel like that, but in some ways I'm most proud of being able to effectively tailor my kids' education when they were struggling, and would have struggled even more in a school setting. 

Amy

[Katy]

I generally HATE condescension, but sometimes it works faster than anything else. I find that instead of getting defensive if you put a "Oh honey" look on your face, like you pity her for being so naive and misinformed, and then say something like, "It's pretty clear you're misinformed about home schooling and I've learned it's best not to get into conversations about it with people who refuse to educate themselves on the topic" followed by whatever you said about the colleges your other two are in you will tend to shut that crap down. It probably won't change that mom's opinion, but it will tell you you don't care what she thinks and all the rude ranting in the world will be met with resistance rather than approval.

 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I actually think your answer of telling her the colleges your kids attend is a brilliant one. It substantiates the "this works well for our family".

You should be proud of that. 

 

 

I totally agree with this.  These are your "credentials" when talking to someone who clearly only cares about appearances.  Go ahead and flash them!

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

51 minutes ago, Katy said:

I generally HATE condescension, but sometimes it works faster than anything else. I find that instead of getting defensive if you put a "Oh honey" look on your face, like you pity her for being so naive and misinformed, and then say something like, "It's pretty clear you're misinformed about home schooling and I've learned it's best not to get into conversations about it with people who refuse to educate themselves on the topic" followed by whatever you said about the colleges your other two are in you will tend to shut that crap down. It probably won't change that mom's opinion, but it will tell you you don't care what she thinks and all the rude ranting in the world will be met with resistance rather than approval.

 

 

I'm stealing this!!!  

[klmama]

Yep.  Make your first answer, "I've already graduated two from our homeschool, and they are doing very well at X and Y universities. Homeschooling works well for our family."  Then change the subject.  If she comes back to it, "I'm not changing what works," and walk away.  You don't have to put up with being grilled.  

[madteaparty]

So there's two different issues--the whole financial/private school thing and the homeschooling thing. You could tell yourself that you could afford all those schools but what you are doing with DS is better. It's how I feel anyway. I could probably afford a fancy private (not going to inquire too deeply whether that's actually true or even principled or a good idea LOL. And I most definitely will not go into whether DS can get in)  but this extreme-bespoke education is better. You don't need to explain to her any more than that. And as for bragging, please.  I'd say "Clearly, I know what I am doing." Smile. Pass the cookies ?

 

[DesertBlossom]

I'm sorry. I would have gotten flustered in that moment too. She was rude and out of line.

In general, when asked about homeschooling, I try to keep it positive. Instead of mentioning why I can't or won't send my children to the nearest public school, I talk about how I love the freedom to go on field trips and spend time together. I tell them I love that my kids can do work on the level they are ready for, instead of whatever the class is doing. 

It's harded to argue with someone's positive reasons for homeschooling, but then I also avoid inadvertently offended the mom whose kids go to the public school I don't want my kid at, etc.

[happi duck]

I don't like being questioned by people.  I end up flustered and sharing things I'd rather not.  I try to bail quickly because I have found that trying to engage the questioner never works.

I struggle with homeschoolers needing to be "impressive".  Kids of all abilities and giftings exist in every kind of schooling.  I don't like the advice to shut people down with impressive stats.

I much prefer some variation of "this is our choice".

Just my two cents!

[MEmama]

I always said something positive along the lines of "it works for us" with a tone that made it clear I wasn't going to further engage. It's absolutely no one's business why I make the choices I do, and I refused to go further. I don't recall anyone ever challenging me on it, unless it was positive. Even then I shut it down. I always found it a very dull topic. Lol. 

[Angie in VA]

It depends on the mood I'm in as to how I handle that, or how I used to handle it, since I'm now an empty nester. Absolutely rule #1 is "Least said, soonest mended." Do NOT engage. 

Adopt a standard reply. "It works for our family." Repeat this if needed. But if pushed like you were, I would also be tempted to say something like, "Are you still pleading your case? This is not open for discussion."  or "Thanks for your interest in my child, but our minds are made up." I have uglier responses like, "Let me know when you're done critiquing my parenting choices so I can begin to critique yours." I'm not proud of it, but there it is.  ITA it's fine to state your dd's colleges as your credentials. 

I'm sorry that happened to you. You're the bigger person. You will be civil to her next time you see her. You'll use the standard reply if needed, as many times as needed, and then quickly change the subject. 

Hugs!

Edited October 10, 2018 by Angie in VA

[Amber in SJ]

"Socialization?  Bless your heart!"  and walk away.

Amber in SJ

[kiwik]

I got the socialisation from someone I am very fond of recently.  Her school experience was in a 12 kid rural school 75 years ago.  He kids experiences were large town 50 years ago.  I understand but socialisation through school was not working.

[J-rap]

Aw, don't feel badly!  Just don't engage at the start.  You can say something like, "Homeschooling works well for us"  or  "We've enjoyed homeschooling all our kids."  If she goes on and on about all the reasons why you shouldn't, you can say  "Yes, I know some people think that..." with a mischievous smile.  

[brehon]

11 hours ago, Amber in SJ said:

"Socialization?  Bless your heart!"  and walk away.

Amber in SJ

Since I’ve been post-40 (for awhile <ahem>) I find letting my inner Southern b$tch, I mean belle, loose works well in these situations. 

A well-placed quizzical look and slightly raised eyebrow accompanied by a “well, bless your heart” works wonders. 

And congratulations to you and your dds on successful homeschooling!

[Reefgazer]

"Bless your heart" was invented for just these situations.