Do you like your dd's "boyfriend" or ds's "girlfriend"?

[sheryl]

DD starting dating recently.  She was head over heels with her best friend; they grew up together.  But, apparently the feeling wasn't mutual.  He's a good kid though and DD was heartbroken!  Knowing that dating this kid was not going to be a reality she accepted dates with a few guys.  One guy is too much older but nice.  The 2nd guy was nice as well but, well let "no" suffice.  Now she likes this guy from a church young adult group and they've gone on a few dates but I don't care for him.  Something about him makes me uncomfortable.  DD knows I have this concern/opinion.

So, do you like your child's/y.a's. boyfriend/girlfriend?  If not, have you advised them against it?  Any other comments? 

[Jaybee]

Currently, we like all our children's spouses! But when we had concerns about a girlfriend, we voiced them. Thankfully, he saw things for himself soon after. We had some concerns about another, but time took care of it, and we are glad he is now a part of our family. We were very careful about how we did it, but we did voice concerns. We decided that we couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't say anything, and then later regretted it due to problems that arose. But we do it more as a "this and its effects are some things you should think about" rather than a "we don't like so and so."

[teachermom2834]

“I like Jane Doe. She’s a sweet girl and nice to have around. My life experience leads me to have some concerns...I could be wrong but here are some red flags I see....but that’s just what my experiences tell me. I could be wrong. Just had to do the mom thing and point that out. When is she coming over? What can I have here to make her comfortable, etc etc”

That is kind of how it has gone around here and it has been okay. The relationships have ended before any damage done and it never was like I made them break up or caused any drama. 

It is a balancing act for sure. I don’t enjoy it at all.

[sheryl]

3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

My oldest is 22.  I have learned a lot because I was 25 when I met DH and DD was already 6 when we got married.  SO, I had a lot of perspective.

 

Her first actual "boyfriend" was at about age 17 for her.  He was ok.   I never advised for or against.............until religious conversion started to appear and I advised against converting to a religion that wouldn't allow family to support major decisions (ie family who didn't believe couldn't attend a wedding in a beliver's temple.)   Eventually, it became obvious to her and us that converting to the religion was more important to him than his realtionship with her.

 

In college she got SERIOUS with a guy.  He was..........................................ok.  He wasn't, and isn't, a terrible person.  But, as my youngest sister said.............I have higher standards that "well, he's not doing drugs."   In a general sense, he wasn't an a$$hole, he wasn't a druggie, he wasn't a delinquent, he wasn't a terrible person and really, he LOVED DD.  

 

Love, honestly, isn't enough.  

 

We, meaning myself, DH, and honestly, the whole rest of my family (Dd is the oldest grandchild, and niece of a very close family....she is like everyone's oldest kid.)  made our opinions known but never forbid anything and kind of left it at that.

 

And................she broke up with him.  She is smart and eventually saw exactly what all of us saw.  

And we all have to learn from experience, which sucks, but it is true.  

This.  It's soooooooooooo hard watching her experience this.  To me, I see it and it's done.  She doesn't see it, yet.  

[Guest]

I am happy with dd’s boyfriend, which is fortunate, because I have a notion he will be my son in law one day. 

Ds had a very nice gf with gorgeous hair and flawless skin, but he wanted to be a free agent in college, so they broke up. She still “likes” posts of mine on FB when they include him so, who knows...maybe that could be re-heated. 

I haven’t had concerns with anyone so far, though. I think the script @teachermom2834 posted is a good middle ground. I don’t think it would be wise to say nothing. I might make a stronger statement if I saw something really squirrely, though, i.e., “Jane said she was coming over, you washed your truck and took a shower and then she decided at the last minute to go eat pizza with her friend Taylor instead? I’m not diggin’ that.” 

[BakersDozen]

We initially liked dd's now husband when they were just friends. We were anxious when they began dating. And we despise him now that they are married. But we say nothing (although we did before they married as did just about every person our dd and the young man know). Thankfully, we rarely see him which is fine with us.

That experience was enough to make our next in line kids declare that they are never dating or getting married. For now that is fine with us as we are still recovering from the drama/trauma of it all. Although 18yods has recently become interested in a girl who is, to put it kindly, an idiot. But it's a fling so we're just watching as are her parents (thankfully, we have fantastic relationships with the kids whom our dc have been interested in...lol, we adore our dd's in-laws but can't stand their son!).

 

[Jaz]

13 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

We initially liked dd's now husband when they were just friends. We were anxious when they began dating. And we despise him now that they are married. But we say nothing (although we did before they married as did just about every person our dd and the young man know). Thankfully, we rarely see him which is fine with us.

That experience was enough to make our next in line kids declare that they are never dating or getting married. For now that is fine with us as we are still recovering from the drama/trauma of it all. Although 18yods has recently become interested in a girl who is, to put it kindly, an idiot. But it's a fling so we're just watching as are her parents (thankfully, we have fantastic relationships with the kids whom our dc have been interested in...lol, we adore our dd's in-laws but can't stand their son!).

 

 

I'm sorry this is your situation. Would you be willing to share some of the red flags? What made you move toward anxiety about the relationship? 

[Carrie12345]

I like my daughter’s boyfriend. He’s a great kid. 

I like my other daughter’s girlfriend. She’s almost like one of my own kids. 

It does bother me to think that, statistically, they’re unlikely to be “the ones”.  I am worried about not liking future people. 

[sheryl]

BakersDozen, I'm sorry about your situation.  Margaret, sorry, too, to hear about your dd's finance.  

Well, this boy that dd is dating turns 21 this Monday (she's 19+).  He has a record: criminal and driving.  This is my dd who is unsuspecting b/c she is naïve.  I don't even know what the criminal charge could be.  I found this on the internet and I'm assuming it's reliable.  He was ticketed for speeding, also.  

Since when is there a "schedule" to dating?  IOW, when dh and I dated in college we went out maybe once a week.  We were friends first and after we dated some time we becoming increasingly more serious with each other and at 2 years or so we were talking marriage (preliminary).

DD tells me that y.a. her age date for a month or so and become "exclusive".  Is this normal today?  I will say that we have friends and when they met in college, she told me a few months ago that "by the end of the evening we were holding hands".  

I don't know.  Maybe dh and I just took our time.  Maybe I'm just in a bad mood over this boy!  HELP!

[klmama]

29 minutes ago, sheryl said:

DD tells me that y.a. her age date for a month or so and become "exclusive".  Is this normal today?  I will say that we have friends and when they met in college, she told me a few months ago that "by the end of the evening we were holding hands".  

Yes, it's very common.  

As for the criminal charge, does your state have online court records?  Google "Ohio state records" (subbing in your state's name) to see if there is a way for you to find out the charge(s) online.  

Edited October 5, 2018 by klmama

[sheryl]

6 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I’d be worried about the criminal charge.  Does your dd know?    It could be nothing, really.  But of course, it could be something. She needs to know.   I’d just ask him, but I’m pretty outspoken.  I know everyone is different.   I don’t think you googling his name will be a big deal.   I’m pretty sure nearly everyone does that now.  

I just wanted to say thank you for that!  Appreciated!

[sheryl]

4 minutes ago, klmama said:

Yes, it's become pretty typical to be an exclusive couple within an extremely short time.  

As for the criminal charge, does your state have online court records?  Google "Ohio Court Records" (subbing in your state's name) to see if there is a way for you to find out the charge(s) online.  

Yes, we have court records for public inspection, I believe.  

My DD is such a sweet girl but is just so innocent. I think I need to at least ask this guy.  FWIW, I just don't like the guy period even before I knew he had a record. Just found that out yesterday.   

[J-rap]

I'm sorry...  I'm sure that's nerve-wracking for you.  I do see dating as being different these days.  When I was a teen and early 20's -- in the 70's and early 80's, we would casually date several people at once.  I mean, one might go out with boy #1 on Friday, boy #2 on Saturday, and then boy #3 on Sunday, and do it again the next weekend.  (Although I never dated to that extent!)  That kind of dating was totally acceptable and wasn't considered sleazy or unkind.  When I tell that to my kids today, they're kind of shocked.  Now it seems to be pretty much one at a time, so it gets more serious more quickly.

We really love our ds's wife and our dd's husband.  We're really fortunate I guess!  ? 

(Edited for privacy.)

 

Edited October 6, 2018 by J-rap

[gardenmom5]

my biggest concern child was just after high school graduation, I was struggling with how I could break it up without driving child away - when said child broke it up them self.  I supported their opportunity to get to know this person - and they didn't like that significant other.

2dd never dated any guy more than a few times.  she finally stopped even introducing them as she figured she'd be dating someone new the next month.   the first time we met dsil was thanksgiving, and it was VERY apparent something was different - they started talking marriage that weekend.   - they're perfect for each other, and have been married three and a half years.  she was a 4th year grad student.  I get along well with him, and he calls me mom.

1ds has a gf he'd like to marry (she has a chronic medical condition - so he'd like to be done with school, working, and can afford her medical bills), I do not know her well enough to say whether I "like her" or not.  I do have trust in this child and we've spoken in depth about  the relationship on a number of occasions.

dh is "much older" than me.  I had MANY (former friends, and family) pull me aside and try to break us up.  we're perfect for each other - and have been married 36 years.  he's healthier than me.

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

We’re nuts about ds’ gf!  I don’t know what will happen to dh or I if they break up.  They’ve been together a year and are talking about moving in together next year, so we’ll see.  When they first started dating though, it was a little hard.  We didn’t know her at all and didn’t know if she was good for ds and I’m sure her parents were thinking the exact same thing.  Anyway, she started spending a lot of time with ds and ds wanted to bring her over all the time, so we got to know her better pretty quickly.  She’s what I’d have chosen if I could pick someone for him.  They suit each other so well.  But who knows what the future holds...    

I have a dear friend that told her dd that if she divorced her second husband, they were keeping him.   (he's been so good for her . . . . )

 

3 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

 

Love, honestly, isn't enough. 

ding ding ding we have a winner!!!!

no it isn't.  can you respect them?  (do they respect you?), and even more importantly - do you trust them?

dh was trying to counsel a woman (she was in her 30's, daughter of his parent's close friends) to NOT remarry her husband (but I love him . . . )  he kept trying to focus on the fact she could NOT "trust him".  she didn't listen.  after more hurt,  she divorced him a second time.

[Tap]

DD19s first boyfriend at 14/15 was a lost soul.  He had a rough upbringing and I believe he was drug affected (mom was on meth during pregnancy).  He was one of those kids who always had an excuse/lie when he did something wrong  and it was never his fault (teachers always seemed to lose his homework etc).  I was worried about the negative affect he was having on dd, but just decided to wait it out. You know the expression "keep you friends close and your enemies closer" well I adamantly applied this to him.  He was a charmer and has a fun personality when others were around. In the quiet times he would open up and reveal a very different life than he portrayed to most of the world.  He desperately wanted to hide his emotional hurt side and learned to manipulate others to get what he wanted with charm and humor. He once told me that he seriously overplayed how excited he was when people gave him presents (even it he didn't like them)....so it made the giver happy and then they would buy him more presents. Due to his lack of family,  I drew him close to our family, and truly cared about him. When he was around dd, it was the only time he passed his school classes. He dropped out within a year of them breaking up.  I mentored him and nurtured him and gave him the experience of having a full time mom.  I even got him into therapy to deal with some of his family issues. When dd and he broke up, I was elated she was free of him but I was also sad to know that he no longer had someone parenting him to become a productive adult.  Last I saw him at 18yo, he was dirty (looked homeless) was buying cough syrup to get high with.  At the end of the 18 months of them being together, dd told me that she may have not done great in school that year, but she learned more about life that she could ever quantify.  She felt the trade off was worth it in what she gained in life experience and maturity. I agree!  (but only because she wised up and dumped him instead of following in his footsteps)

DD19s Husband (different guy) and I get along great.  We got along fine in the beginning of them dating, hit a rough spot in our relationship mid way, and now we get along great again.  I even flew to Texas to see him graduate Air Force Basic Training.  I was determined, after our rough spot, to put it right again and I was finally able to overcome those hurdles.  DD really feels it was all rooted in a miscommunication and his not knowing me well enough to be able to trust that I say what I think. The fist couple of months after the rough spot,  I changed the way I spoke to him (tried to be really clear)  and he learned to trust that I don't hide judgement or innuendos in my words.  He is a brilliant man and takes phenomenal care of my daughter (chronic health issues). He has a bright future ahead of him, and together they will build an incredible life.  We are blessed to have him in all of our lives. 

[Amber in SJ]

Know thy child! 

We had some concerns about our first dd's first real boyfriend at 17.  He just wasn't very nice to her.  He would say unkind things and then say he was just kidding.  If he did it in front of me, I would call him on it.  My dd & I didn't have an easy relationship at that point so I knew if I told her we didn't feel good about it, she would be married to him faster than I could blink.  I am not even kidding.  I know this because, one evening when he came to pick her up he urged her to hurry even though they were early for the movie because he was afraid the showing would sell out and she told him she had already bought the tickets on-line.  And he said,

"That's why I like you. You think ahead so I don't have to. It almost makes up for what you look like!"  

I could tell from her face she was devastated. He talked like that to her all the time. She is not a joking/ teasing person.  I told him that was unkind and if it continued he wouldn't be welcome in our home.  That night she tried to convince him to drive to Reno to get married, pretty much to spite me.  Luckily, he didn't go for it.  

Her next boyfriend was openly gay.  I didn't have a problem with the fact that he was gay, just the fact that he was dating my daughter while not finding her physically attractive because getting married to a girl was what his family expected.  He was out to his family, but they still expected him to marry a girl.  They even discussed getting married and he let her know that he was fine with getting married and having a family with her through artificial insemination or adoption, but he would never be interested in teA with her.  He also expected to be able to have teA with men that he did find attractive even after they got married.  When she told me I believe I said, "You are making this up to mess with me, right?"  It was like a soap opera.  

She grew up so much over the next few years.  We adore her husband.  

Amber in SJ

[Liz CA]

4 hours ago, sheryl said:

BakersDozen, I'm sorry about your situation.  Margaret, sorry, too, to hear about your dd's finance.  

Well, this boy that dd is dating turns 21 this Monday (she's 19+).  He has a record: criminal and driving.  This is my dd who is unsuspecting b/c she is naïve.  I don't even know what the criminal charge could be.  I found this on the internet and I'm assuming it's reliable.  He was ticketed for speeding, also.  

Since when is there a "schedule" to dating?  IOW, when dh and I dated in college we went out maybe once a week.  We were friends first and after we dated some time we becoming increasingly more serious with each other and at 2 years or so we were talking marriage (preliminary).

DD tells me that y.a. her age date for a month or so and become "exclusive".  Is this normal today?  I will say that we have friends and when they met in college, she told me a few months ago that "by the end of the evening we were holding hands".  

I don't know.  Maybe dh and I just took our time.  Maybe I'm just in a bad mood over this boy!  HELP!

 

I am sorry that this is worrisome. Can you find out what the supposed criminal charge was?

3 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I’d be worried about the criminal charge.  Does your dd know?    It could be nothing, really.  But of course, it could be something. She needs to know.   I’d just ask him, but I’m pretty outspoken.  I know everyone is different.   I don’t think you googling his name will be a big deal.   I’m pretty sure nearly everyone does that now.  

 

I agree that a criminal record may be a cause for concern but I think we have to be sure that it's accurate. Googling and finding things on Radaris or similar does not seem reliable to me.

[BakersDozen]

6 hours ago, Jaz said:

 

I'm sorry this is your situation. Would you be willing to share some of the red flags? What made you move toward anxiety about the relationship? 

First red flag showed up when dd was signing up for college classes. She home schooled with me through her senior year and her classes were not easy. I'm a tough teacher but she did great with mostly Honors/AP courses and was very ready for the Honors English at college. This guy, whose parents finally gave up on him in 8th grade and "graduated" him to the local CC, who almost failed his remedial classes, convinced our dd that she wasn't smart enough for the Honors class and that she couldn't handle taking more than 2 classes each semester. He even approached me one afternoon and informed me that as he was taking classes himself he was familiar with how difficult college could be and that I should go easy on my dd and not push her to do something she was unprepared for. I wrote him a kind yet blunt letter highlighting the difference in their education along with the fact that instead of encouraging my dd he was discouraging her not to mention putting himself in the "parent" role. His parents backed me/us up 100%. And that started it...

He basically inserted himself into our dd's life as her husband/father. Multiple situations arose in which he was the leader - and not a good one, either. His parents tried to intervene/admonish him but to no avail. Long story short: They started dating and went from zero to 60 very quickly. People they were around spoke to them, we met all together to discuss what was going on...and the two of them went to their respective homes, packed a bag, and walked out. They lived with friends (until the friends realized what a loser the guy was and kicked them out) and in his car. Weeks passed...we didn't see our dd despite living in a small community. And then we started getting phone calls one night asking if there was anything people could do for us and how was our dd? We had no clue what they were talking about because instead of calling us, instead of involving us out of fear of losing his control, this guy posted on FB that our dd was in a diabetic coma in ICU. She almost died and he didn't tell us. He knew she was sick...friends they were with knew something was wrong...but he refused to contact us...asserted that he knew what he was doing and would take care of our dd himself.

Our world fell apart. I thought I was going to go into labor at only 30 weeks, the physical effect was that horrible on me. Everyone...everyone told this guy to go home to his family and let us minister to our dd. He refused. It wasn't until she was discharged and they had nowhere to go that she came home. For a few weeks we tried to heal and work with her but the guy met up w/her again and eventually they ended up together. As his parents told us, he is a pathological liar and master manipulator...never trust him.

So we see our dd only when he is out of town. When she is here he calls her over and over. If by chance he comes over with her he leaves (with her) after 10 minutes or so. I am the enemy to him...he has to "win" against me.

And the worst thing is that we couldn't stop this. She had people trying to talk to her and intervene in this disaster that was happening...but he is controlling and recognized her weaknesses...and he got her. When he is not around she is the most delightful person and we talk/laugh for hours. But we only see her 2-3 times a year...she lives 15 minutes away.

My consolation is that her in-laws and his siblings are everything I would wish for when my dc marry. She got the dud of the family, but at least she got great in-laws. My in-laws, on the other hand. blame me for everything that happened and hate me with everything in them. It's been a lovely 4 years...one of the main reasons I went into hiding including running from this site. I've never been such a mess as I was then.

And now I'm crying. I miss my girl.

 

[Lizzie in Ma]

We adore youngest's boyfriend.  They will have been together a year on 10/31.  The kid is tall, dark and handsome, salt of the earth, blue collar kind of guy.  They met at school, he is in the automotive shop and is going to be a mechanic.  He is a true gentleman.

Oldest and her husband just had their 1st anniversary.  It has been an incredibly tough 1st year of marriage with his mental health issues.  I love the kid, but I wish it were not the case.

[Jaz]

BakersDozen, thank you for sharing. I too am heartbroken for your family.  I hope I didn't cause you more pain by asking you to share. 

[easypeasy]

Liked one quite a bit but knew he wasn’t a good fit for dd. DD also figured that out pretty quickly. Didn’t care for the other one, but dd tired of him quickly and he was gone. 

Both girls pretty much swore off dating after that. 

I’m not complaining! ?

[G5052]

One of mine is dating a long-term friend from a homeschool class. Both are a year out of high school.

My only concern is that the individual doesn't seem to have adult goals that they are acting on, but it seems to be a healthy relationship. I see a lot of good in the individual. They aren't obsessed with each other and are taking it slow. My kid seems to see it for what it is.

My other one is focused on work and school and doesn't seem interested in anyone at all.

Many of their friends are being a bit crazy in that department, so I have a lot to be thankful for.

[Lady Florida.]

Ds isn't dating anyone right now but we loved his girlfriend of 2+ years. Then again, we've known her since she was 3 and he was 5 - her family was in our homeschool group. They're still friends though it took a while for him to get over her when they broke up. I'm still good friends with her mother.

We love our dil and there have probably been only 1 or 2 of dss' old girlfriends we didn't really care for. It wasn't our business though so we didn't say anything. I'm just glad he married the one we liked best. ? 

[marbel]

I like my daughter's boyfriend, though I don't know him well.  He's a bit long-distance so they don't see each other too often, and consequently we don't see him much. But his family background is similar to ours, religious beliefs and moral values are similar.  I like the things I hear about him (though of course my daughter could be lying but I don't get that vibe). I've met his family briefly a couple of times and I like them all.  According to things he and my daughter have said, his mom and I might have been homeschool-mom soulmates. 

We talk a lot about relationships, not settling for being treated badly, etc. My husband and I both had bad first marriages so we try to share wisdom gleaned from those experiences with our kids. We've talked about respect, autonomy, etc., a lot over the years. They have seen some bad situations among people we know and those often generate discussions about how they might do things differently. 

We have also taught them to take care that they don't get so involved early on that they get their heart broken or break the other person's heart if the relationship needs to end. I watched a nephew fall hard for girls/women and get his heart badly broken numerous times and I don't want that for my kids - if I can help them avoid it - which of course I understand I may not.  

My other kid has had no relationships and none on the horizon; I feel a mix of relief and sadness over that. He is mostly in heavily male environments and he's socially awkward. I hope when he transfers to finish his bachelor's he will find more opportunities to meet and befriend young women.  Of course there are females in his CC classes and he talks with them but he is not one to stick around after class or join clubs. Maybe that won't change if he's away at school, but I hope it does. 

[sheryl]

BakersDozen - yikes, I'm so sorry!  I respect your sharing of your family dynamics though it must have been hard.  You said you had tears in your eyes.  Here is a virtual hug!  This situation concerns me though and I'm not her mother.  My heart breaks as well that you and your dd only see each other 2-3 times a year. Does her dh work?  I'm not sure the age of your youngest one - do have 13, but is there a way for you and your dd to meet once a month in another "away from your sil" community?  Meet for an hour somewhere 15 min away where you know he will NOT be?

Marbel and ----   See, that's a concern for me.  This boy attends the same church young adult group but it doesn't mean he's a Christian. 

Does anyone know (Liz Ca you're right) HOW to get information on someone?  Other than the internet sites.  Can you buy a record re: someone else? 

I'm amazed at your wonderful responses.  I'm sorry for those of you who have faced challenging times. 

This kid just bought a Kawasaki speed motorcycle 2 days ago. I told her NO WAY is she riding with him.  Thankfully she doesn't want to.  She has wonderful "guy" friends.  Two of her best friends are guys whom she loves.  She is friends only with them and that's as far as it will go.  She's going to y.a. tonight and I HOPE that guy is NOT there.

[Jenny in Florida]

I adore my son's girlfriend. They've been dating for about three years, and we consider her family.

He really hadn't had a "girlfriend" before, just a few isolated dates. 

My daughter has had more mixed experiences, but had only one relationship to speak of before she moved out on her own a few states away. I was lukewarm-to-unenthusiastic about that one person but expressed my opinion only when my daughter asked and then in measured terms.

Since she moved away, she's been through several relationships of varying lengths and levels of seriousness. Of geographical necessity, I've been in the loop only based on what my daughter has shared about each person. Some have seemed great; others set off warning bells when she talked about them. In each case, I mostly listened and, again, expressed opinions only when she asked me directly what I thought. (P.S. - I haven't been wrong yet.)

For the last year or so, she seems to have settled down into a much more healthy and stable relationship. I haven't yet met the person (*)  face to face, but we've traded a few texts and messages about things like package deliveries for my daughter's birthday and have waved and said hi via Skype. I haven't had a chance to develop the kind of closeness I have with my son's girlfriend, but I definitely have a good feeling about this one.

The plan is that they will be coming to town for a visit (mostly to Walt Disney World, but incidentally to see us) in late December. I'm looking forward to that.

Funny aside: When she first moved out on her own, my daughter invested a lot of energy and hopes into online dating, which led to one failed relationship after another. I kept gently suggesting that maybe the whole online thing just wasn't a great idea and shared that my most successful way of meeting potential partners had always been just living my life and doing things I liked to do, because that allowed me to meet other people who liked and valued the same things. My daughter repeatedly dismissed that whole concept, but her current partner is someone she met at work. 

(* I don't want to derail the whole conversation with this issue, but the reason I'm not using pronouns in this description is that my daughter's partner is working through some gender issues. I'm trying to be respectful of that.)

[Jenny in Florida]

20 hours ago, sheryl said:

Since when is there a "schedule" to dating?  IOW, when dh and I dated in college we went out maybe once a week.  We were friends first and after we dated some time we becoming increasingly more serious with each other and at 2 years or so we were talking marriage (preliminary).

DD tells me that y.a. her age date for a month or so and become "exclusive".  Is this normal today? 

 

I wonder about this, too, but I will say the timetable thing doesn't seem to be limited to young folks. I have a friend at work who is in her late 40s, widowed a few years ago. She's been doing the online dating thing for the past couple of years, and I have been repeatedly surprised at how quickly each of her relationships seems to progress. They go from the initial face-to-face meeting for coffee to exclusivity and "I love you" and, in one case, moving in together, within weeks or just a few months. Then they flame out (or, in that one case, turn unpleasant and difficult to extricate from) just as quickly.

With both my daughter and my friend, it's all I can do sometimes not to throw myself in front of them, waving my arms above my head and yelling, "No! Slow down!" 

Edited October 5, 2018 by Jenny in Florida

[BakersDozen]

Quote

My heart breaks as well that you and your dd only see each other 2-3 times a year. Does her dh work?  I'm not sure the age of your youngest one - do have 13, but is there a way for you and your dd to meet once a month in another "away from your sil" community?  Meet for an hour somewhere 15 min away where you know he will NOT be?

I/we have tried to meet up w/our dd in ways/places where her dh would not be...and he was with her. I don't think he allows her to keep anything from him...he always finds out. If they are here and she gets up to go into the kitchen where I am, he follows her. She cannot be out of his sight or hearing. It's sickening.

[sheryl]

27 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

I/we have tried to meet up w/our dd in ways/places where her dh would not be...and he was with her. I don't think he allows her to keep anything from him...he always finds out. If they are here and she gets up to go into the kitchen where I am, he follows her. She cannot be out of his sight or hearing. It's sickening.

Well, I'm sorry!  My niece (now 34) dated someone when she was in her 20's (mid, maybe) and he was very controlling.  She saw that and broke up with him.   I don't know.   I guess to keep "tabs" on her/them, would your older 2 be able to "meet" for lunch or something once a month?  If children are in their future it will only complicate matters.  (((Hugs)))

[easypeasy]

4 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

I/we have tried to meet up w/our dd in ways/places where her dh would not be...and he was with her. I don't think he allows her to keep anything from him...he always finds out. If they are here and she gets up to go into the kitchen where I am, he follows her. She cannot be out of his sight or hearing. It's sickening.

 

What a very literal nightmare. I am so sorry. ? Thank the heavens that she has a stable in-law system, at least... there's gotta be a tiny silver lining somewhere!

[Ivey]

BakersDozen - I'm so sorry that you're in such an impossible situation. I do hope that her in-laws are keeping an eye on her. 

On 10/4/2018 at 8:17 PM, sheryl said:

Since when is there a "schedule" to dating?  IOW, when dh and I dated in college we went out maybe once a week.  We were friends first and after we dated some time we becoming increasingly more serious with each other and at 2 years or so we were talking marriage (preliminary).

DD tells me that y.a. her age date for a month or so and become "exclusive".  Is this normal today?  I will say that we have friends and when they met in college, she told me a few months ago that "by the end of the evening we were holding hands". 

 

From my experience and my kids', things seem to move a lot more quickly than they did 30 years ago. When I was dating, we went out once or twice a week and didn't hang out in between except for the occasional lunch date, which was definitely a "date". After a few months of "dating", we'd become a couple. Now, young people seem to spend a lot more time together, which means that they get to know each other and become emotionally invested in a fraction of the time.

My 19yo broke up with his longterm girlfriend in July, after dating for about three years. They're both very independent and went off to different colleges last year, which seems to have turned the relationship into more of a friendship, and neither of them seem to have been too upset about it. I really, really like her and I know she was good for him. I think they'll remain friends. He's since jumped into the college dating scene, and I'm glad she set such a high standard. 

I absolutely adore my oldest son's boyfriend of nearly two years. They were friends for several years before becoming involved romantically and I liked him from the moment I met him. He's gentle, level-headed, and a natural caretaker, and I absolutely hope that they last. 

[Carrie12345]

On 10/4/2018 at 10:17 PM, sheryl said:

Since when is there a "schedule" to dating?  IOW, when dh and I dated in college we went out maybe once a week.  We were friends first and after we dated some time we becoming increasingly more serious with each other and at 2 years or so we were talking marriage (preliminary).

DD tells me that y.a. her age date for a month or so and become "exclusive".  Is this normal today?  I will say that we have friends and when they met in college, she told me a few months ago that "by the end of the evening we were holding hands".  

In my circles growing up (early to mid 90s,) "dating" was, by default, exclusive.  Or expected to be, at least. "Will you go out with me?" was really "Will you be my boy/girlfriend?"  Formal dates were a rarity; people just hung out.  Making out with various people here and there was an entirely different... category.  But no one was going to the movies with Mike on Friday and on a picnic with John on Sunday.  Well, unless maybe they broke up with Mike on Saturday.  Otherwise, it was very much considered cheating. And pretty much everyone would know, because both the movie and the picnic were most likely group activities!
 

[DawnM]

Older 2 have not dated at all yet.  They are 20 and 18.  Youngest is 14 and has had a girlfriend for about 6 months now?  They hang out in groups though, they are too young to really date.  But they go to school together, and over the summer, they all got passes to our local theme park and went every week or two and went in a large group.  And they went to a community pool and house to hang out in a large group.

 

Now taht summer is over they go to the football games and sometimes hang out with a group on the weekends.

 

I like her, but she is 14, and very giggly.  She is a serious student and very smart.  She is good for him that way.  

[G5052]

15 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I wonder about this, too, but I will say the timetable thing doesn't seem to be limited to young folks. I have a friend at work who is in her late 40s, widowed a few years ago. She's been doing the online dating thing for the past couple of years, and I have been repeatedly surprised at how quickly each of her relationships seems to progress. They go from the initial face-to-face meeting for coffee to exclusivity and "I love you" and, in one case, moving in together, within weeks or just a few months. Then they flame out (or, in that one case, turn unpleasant and difficult to extricate from) just as quickly.

 

I've observed the same thing among my agemates. Each was less than six months from coffee to getting married. Some did a lot of Skype dates because they were some distance apart.

Blows my mind, but those relationships are still together. The online dating systems do some of the screening I guess.

[marbel]

19 hours ago, sheryl said:

<snip>

Marbel and ----   See, that's a concern for me.  This boy attends the same church young adult group but it doesn't mean he's a Christian. 

<snip>

Well, yeah, you can never really know.  And, if I've learned anything from this board, it's that people's beliefs can change, often quite dramatically.  This would apply with any faith or really any moral/ethical system.  

So you have to go by how they live.  In my daughter's case... they met at a Christian summer camp.  They both attended for several years.  They started as friends and slowly moved to dating status. After aging out of the camp, he and some of his family members continue to volunteer there. They do community service through their home church. In other words, they don't just show up Sunday morning to get their obligation over with, or just attend fun youth events. Still not guarantees, but all the evidence is good.  And we know a bit about how their family lives. I can also see that they are not of the type of Christian family that denies their daughters education, career choices, etc. That would be a red flag for me!

(I have actually never met in real life a Christian family that denied their daughters education, career, etc. but I have heard they exist.)

Edited October 6, 2018 by marbel

[sheryl]

Ivey -

From my experience and my kids', things seem to move a lot more quickly than they did 30 years ago. When I was dating, we went out once or twice a week and didn't hang out in between except for the occasional lunch date, which was definitely a "date". After a few months of "dating", we'd become a couple. Now, young people seem to spend a lot more time together, which means that they get to know each other and become emotionally invested in a fraction of the time.

Carrie -

In my circles growing up (early to mid 90s,) "dating" was, by default, exclusive.  Or expected to be, at least. "Will you go out with me?" was really "Will you be my boy/girlfriend?"  Formal dates were a rarity; people just hung out. 

These combined!  Maybe there's just too much of a generational gap.  I think I'm pretty hip (not a stick in the mud even though I'm conservative).  I went with girlfriends and we would go to the football game or whatever game and Pizza Hut afterwards many times and met up with others to form a group.  Or, maybe we went to a party once in a blue moon.  Aside from an occasional date here or there, I had a good guy friend and we just hung out as friends.  He'd ride his bike over to my house.  Ivey, yes, a girl had a date with a guy.  Maybe she went on a date with someone else.  When I met dh in college it was the end of freshman year in college.  We just saw one another here and there as friends.  He asked when I was returning for sophomore year and I told him I'd be heading back early.  As I recall (if correct), my plans changed and I did not return "early".  Well, I did not convey that to my now dh/then boyfriend at the time and he made arrangements to return early which was a big deal as we both attended a university in Ohio and he was from Milwaukee which was an 8-9 hour drive.  I'm originally from Ohio and only had an 1 1/2 hour drive.  So, he ended up returning early and I rolled in at the usual time before classes start.    We went on our first date Sept. 19.  So from meeting April 10 and our first date was 4 months later. 

I need to realize that that was then but as I told dh today about all of this, some things are better left unchanged!  Still, I know dating rules might have changed a bit.  But, I don't know if it's for the best.  JMHO!   We didn't become a "couple" until sophomore year.  I belonged to a sorority and he joined a frat.  He lavaliered me that spring - about 1 year after we met.  We wrote letters/called that summer and entering junior year, we talked "what if" and "marriage" questions (where to live, how many kids, etc).

Now just like Carrie says, it's like someone asking to go out is asking to be boyfriend/girlfriend on that same date or 2nd date! 

It distresses me a bit b/c I see a mentality that the guy wants the girl or the girl wants the girl as a "trophy" to proudly display upon the mantle of Instagram (if that makes sense).  Certainly there are those exceptions out there but I would venture to say for most it's wise to have several dates with the same person to find true compatibility,  DD says and I've seen her text that her peers are texting questions to "get to know the other person".  I guess it's normal if that's the only thing they know but sometimes old school is best.  I still believe that in real life/face to face is best.  You not only communicate verbally but non-verbally as well.  Non-verbals will give more insight to the person.  You can't get that over text.

OK, enough ranting, I guess.  But, it really does bug me! :LOL!

 

[Mimm]

I don't. HUGE red flag here, but I don't feel like he respects her boundaries. I've expressed concern about this to her, and I hope she pays attention. She has a good head on her shoulders. He also is constantly in trouble with his parents. From his perspective they are being unreasonable. I don't talk to them so I don't know their side of the story but I'm inclined to think they aren't being that unreasonable. The mother is agoraphobic so my daughter spends more time at his house than he spends over here. But I feel comfortable that they aren't left alone in the house so I put up with that. He doesn't do well in school (this is the main source of conflict between him and his parents) and a few times he's done things that I felt were holding my daughter back instead of encouraging her to move forward. Like when she got her permit, instead of being happy for her, he got upset that he didn't have his yet. It was supposed to be a happy day for her but she was all defeated because of him. She's ambitious and hard working and deserves someone who is going to support and encourage her, not bring her down. I try to remind myself that he's very young and makes mistakes as well and may well grow and mature into someone who deserves her but right now I just don't feel like he does. ?

[sheryl]

1 hour ago, --- said:

Slightly off topic, but I'm listening to an audio book called Spy the Lie  and it's fascinating.  Non-verbal is definitely something to look at.  I'm on my second time through it and will probably have to listen to it over and over.  

https://www.amazon.com/Spy-Lie-Former-Officers-Deception/dp/1250029627/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538952812&sr=8-1&keywords=spy+the+lie

Thanks for that!  I'll check it out.