trying to process my emotions...

[Noreen Claire]

This past Sunday we had a 90th birthday party for my grandmother (my mother's mother) and there was a video made up of old photos celebrating her life, set to period music. One of the photos that was displayed had my father in it, wearing a plaid jacket and a HUGE 1970s bow-tie. I was confused as to why there would be a picture of my father and by the time that I realized that he had been standing next to my mother and between her parents, the photo was gone and the next one was up. It took several more minutes for me to process that it was a wedding photo. A photo that I was told didn't exist.

My parents were married in 1974 after they found out that my mother was pregnant with me.  Any time that I asked, I was told that they got married at city hall and that there were no guests and no photographs. (They are still married.)

When the video was over, I asked my mother if there were more photos and she said, emphatically, "No," and turned away. I spoke to my uncle (her brother), who had made the video, and he said that there were, in fact, a bunch more. He sent them to me today through facebook. There was the one with my parents and her mother and (now deceased) father, one with my parents and my father's (now deceased) parents, a pair of photos of them feeding each other cake, and one with someone I think was the best man, and the matron of honor (my mother's life-long best friend, now deceased). They all take place in my maternal grandparent's home, and there was obviously a celebration, with many other family members in attendance.

I'm thrilled that I have these photos. I'm 44 years old and never new anything about my parents actual wedding day! At the same time, I am extremely angry at my mother for keeping these from me, telling me that there was no celebration and no photos. I can understand that she might have been embarrassed about getting married, 5 months pregnant and barely 20 years old, but that was 44 years ago! I guess I also feel slightly hurt, because they married because of *me*, and maybe she didn't want me to see them because she blames me for what her life has become? I don't know. 

My mother is not a talk-about-your-feelings type of person. I may not tell her that I have the photos, because I don't want to upset her. But, I'm having trouble processing my own emotions tonight.

[Catwoman]

I’m so sorry, Noreen. I would feel the same way you do.

Can you talk to your mom and ask her about it? You have already seen the pictures, so there’s no need for her to try to keep her secret any more.

[DawnM]

I am sorry.  That must feel like a sense of betrayal.  I am dealing with another situation of hurt an betrayal from a family member, I am not wiling to post about it, but I want you to know you aren't alone in family hurts and drama.

Oh, and I have made a therapy appt for this Friday.  

[homemommy83]

I totally can relate to having family hide important parts of their/ my personal life.  I feel it is important to open up to someone that you trust and get feedback on proper ways to cope mentally.  

 

Feeling that your own mother didn't trust you enough to openly tell you the truth can make a person feel lonely- like hey what else do I not know about my family.  I would have a talk to family members that you trust and see if this was just something that she was embarrassed about or the tip of things that you may not know.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

i'm glad you have the photos.   whatever her reasons for not wanting to remember her wedding - she has them.   sometimes time doens't heal wounds, and things just become ingrained.

 

 

[Junie]

(((Noreen Claire)))

My parents divorced when I was little and my mother took scissors to all of our photos and literally cut my father out of our lives.

A few years ago I offered to sort out my grandmother's photos.  I took pictures of everything so that I would  have my own digital copy.

One of the pictures was a family portrait -- with my father still in it.  I am so glad to have to have my own copy of it with him in it.

 

My mother also destroyed her wedding photos from her second wedding.  They were polaroids, so there are no copies.  ?

I understand that she was mad at my step-dad about something, but she could have given the photos to me or one of my siblings instead of destroying them.

 

I'm sorry that you were lied to, but I'm really glad you have the photos now.

[Liz CA]

Yes to what others said already...and even though it may be 4 decades later, for some people shame keeps them down. And since she is not someone who would speak with anyone about it, as you said, it's even worse and can almost grow bigger than it was initially.

None of this has anything to do with you. This is someone else's way of dealing with life. 

[Rachel]

I’m sorry! I imagine after not telling the truth for so long it may be next to impossible for her to tell the truth. Would it be possible to talk to your dad?

[Annie G]

I’m so sorry. I sort of know what you’re going through because my mom was pregnant with my sister when she and dad got married and until her dying day she wouldn’t discuss it. My sister grew up feeling guilt that every time Mom and Dad disagreed or had rough financial times that it was her fault because they ‘had’ to get married because of her.  For 65+ years that’s been a family secret, and so unnecessary. But at the time both sets of my grandparents were openly ashamed of mom (and less so of Dad!) and Mom never really got over that.

Could you write your mom a letter and tell her what you’re feeling? She might be a little more receptive with a letter that she can read and digest on her own rather than a real, in person discussion. a real conversation would be great but maybe a letter to break the ice on the topic?

I’m sorry. But I am glad that you have the photos!! 

[lmrich]

So sorry. I guess she feels so guilty even now. 

My mom is still ashamed that her dad was an alcoholic. She doesn't want anyone to know. He died in 1967. 

[KungFuPanda]

I think you should cherish your photos and not throw them in her face. Not everything is your business and you already have information that she preferred you didn’t. Her reasons are her own and I’m guessing the photos surfaced because someone else had a duplicate set. It could be as simple as not liking the way she looked as a pregnant bride, or it could be much more complicated.  While this sort of thing is important to discuss with your spouse, I’m not sure that your children are entitled to every detail of your youthful regrets. Try not to judge the full picture when there are pieces missing in that puzzle. You don’t deserve every piece of someone else’s life. She’s not JUST your mother. She’s a person who deserves some privacy. Honesty doesn’t mean giving people everything they want from you. When you asked about photos, had she told you “They exist but I’d prefer nobody saw them” would you have dropped it or hounded her incessantly?

[Chris in VA]

I understand and respect what KungFuPanda is saying. 

I will add that maybe you can help your mom find healing. Being very gentle and understanding and kind and perhaps not dwelling on your own feelings of how she hurt you might help her. IDK. It's hard when our parents come from a generation that, in general, didn't discuss feelings, tended to be private, viewed pre-marriage pregnancy as unacceptable...Core beliefs are formed very early, and influence us all our lives, and if her core belief is that there is great shame involved with her marriage, it might just have been a really hard day for her, a day she'd like to forget, erase, ignore...

Sometimes we lie to avoid pain, and it sounds like there is great pain involved. Be tender to your mom, and to yourself, too. 

 

[rjand6more]

My mother was a private person.  She loved me deeply. I know that.  There are things she just never shared.  There are secrets. I *think* she was pregnant with me when my parents married.  I don't know.  They never celebrated an anniversary.  I don't know when they married. I guess I could find that out.  They are both gone now.

Their lives are theirs.  I have peace about that. They didn't share quite a lot including my dad's time in the military post WW II. Did not realize how traumatic it was until he died and I found his honorable discharge papers when he accompanied his best friend's body back to the US.:( He never told me about that.  He always said he was a cook, it was boring.  Instead, he was a communications tech.  I figure he did not want to think/discuss it with anyone.  Too painful. I am not upset at that.  I probably would have let it go had I found out before he died.

I am so happy you have the photos. ?

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, Fifiruth said:

I would respectfully disagree with a couple of the last few comments. This isn’t an experience that is just her business that she has a right to keep private. You know that she was pregnant with you, and that that was the reason for the marriage. You were involved! So, it is your business, too, and your feelings about it matter just as much.

Exactly.  Lies never make things better.  

My XMIL was pregnant when she married my xh's dad.  She lied about it their entire life.  So far as to change the entire year they were married in. she also lied about being adopted.  

It really puts a wedge between people when you can't trust a word out of their mouth.  

[Scarlett]

45 minutes ago, rjand6more said:

My mother was a private person.  She loved me deeply. I know that.  There are things she just never shared.  There are secrets. I *think* she was pregnant with me when my parents married.  I don't know.  They never celebrated an anniversary.  I don't know when they married. I guess I could find that out.  They are both gone now.

Their lives are theirs.  I have peace about that. They didn't share quite a lot including my dad's time in the military post WW II. Did not realize how traumatic it was until he died and I found his honorable discharge papers when he accompanied his best friend's body back to the US.:( He never told me about that.  He always said he was a cook, it was boring.  Instead, he was a communications tech.  I figure he did not want to think/discuss it with anyone.  Too painful. I am not upset at that.  I probably would have let it go had I found out before he died.

I am so happy you have the photos. ?

I would say not sharing is much different from outright lies.  I still don't agree with it.....but I can understand it in some things.....like military service....that was probably so traumatic he just didn't want to ever think about it.  

[Noreen Claire]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I think you should cherish your photos and not throw them in her face. Not everything is your business and you already have information that she preferred you didn’t. Her reasons are her own and I’m guessing the photos surfaced because someone else had a duplicate set. It could be as simple as not liking the way she looked as a pregnant bride, or it could be much more complicated.  While this sort of thing is important to discuss with your spouse, I’m not sure that your children are entitled to every detail of your youthful regrets. Try not to judge the full picture when there are pieces missing in that puzzle. You don’t deserve every piece of someone else’s life. She’s not JUST your mother. She’s a person who deserves some privacy. Honesty doesn’t mean giving people everything they want from you. When you asked about photos, had she told you “They exist but I’d prefer nobody saw them” would you have dropped it or hounded her incessantly?

If she had said, "There are photos but I prefer that no one saw them," I would have asked that she leave them for me in her will and to keep them in a safe place. I can respect her wishes. She didn't trust me with that. She lied, and continued to lie after the first photo came out. This is what bothers me.

I'm not going to talk to her about them. I won't bother mentioning it to my father, either, as he is also not a share-my-feelings kind of person. It is going to take some time to deal with the fact that she lied to me. I just needed somewhere to vent.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Noreen Claire
typo

[Bluegoat]

It's great you have them now, but I'm not sure I'd bring it up with her again.  I don't see that much good will come unless you think you can create some sort of comfort for her around them.

It might be difficult though, as it sounds like you are making a bit of a guess at why she doesn't want to see them.  There really are a million possibilities - maybe it was actually a really bad day for her, or might not have been the kind of wedding she wanted. 

[Katy]

I'm sure her feelings have nothing to do with you.  I'm sure her feelings are about her own sense of shame, something she either never processed or hasn't forgiven herself for. The pictures remind her of her feelings of shame, of the people who criticized her for getting pregnant, or of the voices of condemnation in her own head.

I'm glad you have the pictures now. The truth has a funny way of coming out even when people want to pretend it didn't happen.

[kbutton]

 

On 7/19/2018 at 11:44 AM, Noreen Claire said:

If she had said, "There are photos but I prefer that no one saw them," I would have asked that she leave them for me in her will and to keep them in a safe place. I can respect her wishes. She didn't trust me with that. She lied, and continued to lie after the first photo came out. This is what bothers me.

I'm not going to talk to her about them. I won't bother mentioning it to my father, either, as he is also not a share-my-feelings kind of person. It is going to take some time to deal with the fact that she lied to me. I just needed somewhere to vent.

1

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Your feelings are valid, and I would be very hurt if this happened to me.

Regarding the quote below, my grandmother embodied this kind of crazy across the board. She asked that her wedding pics be destroyed if they were found in her sister's estate, so what really happened is they were found and saved without a remark to her. She definitely lied about the date of the marriage for years even while my grandfather always gave the real date (I think sometimes during the same conversation)! But she had so much more crazy. I think the fact that it wasn't just about a wedding date, pictures, etc., made it easier to be at peace with the crazy--we could just write it off and say it was her way of dealing with things. 

I hope you are able to work through your feelings in a meaningful way. 

On 7/19/2018 at 12:58 AM, Liz CA said:

This is someone else's way of dealing with life. 

 

[nevergiveup]

I would try to put myself in her shoes.

There are things in my past I have not told my kids and probably won't.  If they somehow find out, I hope they have the grace to forgive me.

[katilac]

On 7/18/2018 at 9:45 PM, Noreen Claire said:

 When the video was over, I asked my mother if there were more photos and she said, emphatically, "No," and turned away.

I can understand that she might have been embarrassed about getting married, 5 months pregnant and barely 20 years old, but that was 44 years ago!  

 

 

Your mom was probably just as shocked to see that photo as you were, and then felt embarrassed and put on the spot when you immediately asked her if there were more photos. She may have just answered reflexively, trying to end the embarrassment, and she may have actually thought there were no more photos (that they had been thrown away long ago or whatever). Yes, it would have been much better is she had said photos existed but she didn't want you to see them, but again, she might have been shocked and embarrassed to have that photo publicly displayed. 

Do not underestimate the deep shame she might feel about it to this day. Some people find it very hard to get past being raised to not talk about emotions and difficult events, and that is an ideal situation for shame to dig deep and become a part of you. Plenty of people carry hurt and shame to their graves. 

Or there may be a different reason she wants to hide and deny them, a reason we really can't guess at. There is no reason to assume it's about you or how her life turned out because of having you. 

Do be prepared for your mom to find out that your brother sent you the photos. 

I used to get endlessly annoyed with my parents for not being able to talk about things. Then I realized that they raised kids who could and did talk about things, it might be hard but we at least have the ability to do so, and I decided to just be glad that they gave me a gift they never had for themselves. 

I'm sorry it happened so awkwardly, and that you feel so badly about it.