S/O question: If you don't have THAT kind of marriage, how do you make it . . .

[KidsHappen]

through the rough times. I have always wondered that. What is your motivation? Your coping mechanisms? How do you find the inner strength and resolve to do it especially if you don't have a strong support network? These are honest questions but I realize that they may be too personal. If so please don't take offense (none is meant) and feel free to skip them.

[Heather in Savannah]

I made a commitment before God, the day I married dh. Loving him has become an act of the will rather than a passionate response. I have two incredible sisters who are my best friends, and because they know dh see things for what they are. They are always there for me and I appreciate them sooooo much. They are the ones with whom I share matters of the heart.

[Rhonda in TX]

I will stay as long as they are young. DH and I do not fight much, so they are not living with that. My support system is my friends and family.

 

I also hope and pray that things will improve over the years. I know it can be better. I just need DH to believe that, too.

[dhudson]

My motivation is two fold...

 

What I do for my husband, I do for God, which helps me avoid the , "I did this for you so you should respond in kind." We both try to maintain this attitude and it has helped a ton!

 

Secondly, my parents were divorced and I had several step-parents (my mom just kept marrying and divorcing) so I NEVER want that for my own children. Since I'm in this for the long haul, I figure I need to make it good. I want to thrive not just survive. So we do several things to help - consistent date nights (2x a month we trade babysitting with a friend). We find activities to do together. We laugh together, we won't go to bed mad, we allow each other space to do their own thing two or three times a month. Each of us gets a weekend away with friends once or twice a year. We also try and make a point of going away together (without kids) at least once a year - sometimes a weekend, a week or once we took 15 days and went to Europe. We read books like Love and Respect and other marriage books to keep us on track, we have attended the Marriage for a Lifetime retreats. I think we just try and be deliberate in our relationship like we are in schooling and parenting our children and it works.

 

I am happy and he is happy and our kids are happy so I think it's a good place to be. I am heartbroken for the women on this board who are not in a good place in their marriage and I am praying for them.

[Trivium Academy]

Commitment and loyalty mostly and the rest I'll leave unmentioned.

[saw]

things are getting very complicated around here. I just hope I can keep it together long enough to see whether things get better. I was just thinking today about trying to get a network of supportive friends and other things I can do. Objectively speaking I am okay (kids are great, fortunate to have a great job, minimal financial concerns, supportive family) but it's just not what I would have wanted or would have expected. That's probably said too much right there.

[Sweetpeach]

I stayed because:

 

I made a promise before God;

 

I believed even in the worst of times that we could survive the sh*t and heart-ache;

 

We found loving, gracious marriage mentors that helped us negotiate, spoke truth into the both of us, helped us discuss hard things and weren't scared to get into the trenches with us;

 

I finally realized that God was God and I was not . . . meaning that I could only do me and dh could work his problems out. This was a hard one, because I wanted to fix us but I now believe with everything in me that it only takes one to change a relationship;

 

I stayed because dh is a fabulous, engaged father and I wouldn't leave because I would never want to steal from my children the daily presence of having a daddy;

 

I stumbled over three fabulous books that encouraged me through the depths of marital crazy. Love & Respect. Surrendered Wife. The Good Marriage.

 

In the end, I stayed because I couldn't imagine ever being without dh. I could see that our relational problems grew out of past brokeness that we both brought to the marriage. We both wanted the best for each other and so we've worked hard at changing how we see ourselves and how we treat each other.

 

(My dh was not suffering from any of the BIG A's: abuse, addiction, adultery. I absolutely do not stand in judgement of women who have to make gut-wrenching choices about their futures.)

[ELaurie]

I don't believe I have another legitimate option available to me.

 

I also feel it would be damaging for my dc to be without their dad; he's a good father to them in many ways.

[rafiki]

.

[Jill- OK]

I made a commitment before God, the day I married dh. Loving him has become an act of the will rather than a passionate response.

 

I also agree that it's important to have some kind of support system. Not a "Bash DH Team", but a few someones who know and even appreciate/love your husband, too, and can encourage you in the path you choose (not everyone can be counted on to support a decision to stay in a challenging marriage). I think you have to be careful to keep the venting to a minimum, and I know not everyone has friends that can be trusted to fill this role, but I believe they're important, not only for your sanity, but sometimes for an honest perspective and reality check.

 

I don't know that I should be offering advice. (I'll be watching this thread with interest). I don't feel that I do a good job, most of the time, but I'm continually trying new things and looking for new answers. Building a good life for yourself outside of your marriage relationship (I'm not talking about romance, just pursuits that you develop for yourself, interests, etc.) does a lot to take off the pressure, and sometimes can even resolve some of the problems that result from hoping for unrealistic things from a single relationship.

 

It's also helpful to keep in mind that marriages don't have to be perfect to be productive and even spiritually enriching. Finding good things and focusing on them is very important (something I need reminding of, often). God put my husband and I together, I have no doubt of that, and while some of the things I've learned have been hard, they've still been worthwhile, and I know that comparing my marriage to others' won't do anything but depress me, lol, but if I look at what it can teach me, on its own...the perspective is totally different.

 

So, for all of those who are discouraged by hearing how wonderful and 'in love' other couples still are, after years of marriage, I'd just offer the suggestion to try and look at your own marriage for what it is, on its own, not in contrast to Suzie and Johnny's relationship, or even (maybe especially) Claire and Jamie's, lol. ;-) (That's a reference to a fictional literary romance, for everyone wondering).

[HappyGrace]

and my kids, mostly.

 

Also having watched my stepson and his mother from the time he was 4 til his present age 18, and the kind of life and problems they have and not wanting that for my kids or myself, no matter what. Plus I know I'd be tied to him anyway as long as I have kids, and at least this way I feel I can guide them best spiritually, with homeschooling, etc. I just don't want to deal with the pain of divorce. It would definitely be out of the frying pan and into the fire, in my case anyway.

 

Also being a child of divorce who had a wonderful childhood and then the trauma of divorce when I was 16. Still desperately wishing to this day my parents were together instead of having to deal with stepparents. I want my children to have both their parents.

 

I pretty much have the life I want for myself and my dc, and I don't want to leave it. (There's no fighting anymore, and on the surface we're happy.)

 

I know he loves me; he's just a broken soul who prefers to live that way and not change. I've come to being okay with not being able to help him change; I just live my life the best I can before God.

 

I go forward trusting in God alone.

[Sweetpeach]

I know he loves me; he's just a broken soul who prefers to live that way and not change. I've come to being okay with not being able to help him change; I just live my life the best I can before God.

 

I go forward trusting in God alone.

 

I used to think that this was what weak women did . . . those that were too scared to kick the dead weight to the curb and forge ahead with hard-core girl-power! I used to think that I had a right to impose my agenda on my dh's emotional healing. In the past, I put on him 90% of the burden to change, be better, do the next thing, etc etc etc.

 

Now I know that God is God and I don't love my dh more than God does . . . in fact, God grieves my dh's hurt a zillion times more than I'll ever be capable of and so I rest in that. I rest in knowing that my validation, love, goodness comes from a Loving God and I do my very best to pour that respect and honour into my dh. There's a song we sing at church . . . "You're more than enough for me" and I make a choice to believe that when my dh can't love me deeply.

 

We have lovely days and painful days. I wish it could be all fixed but it never happens on my time.

 

Encouraging all of us WTM girlies without THAT marriage to hang in there! I think the joy of working it out brings such reward.

[lighthouseacademy]

I have been married just over 10 years now. Dh and I have had a rather blissful marriage, but last year we struggled horribly. We could not seem to talk, didn't feel connected, didn't enjoy being married etc. It was rough. Some things we did were focus on serving one another, make sure to go on dates and have FUN- we went ice skating, etc, and forgive. We are religious and we prayed together and separately. We finally pulled through it and things are MUCH better now. Life with kids is tough- you are torn in many directions and it is difficult to remember that truly, the most important relationship after your relationship with the Lord is that of husband and wife and the kids are second. As wives and mothers, it is so easy to switch those two priorities. As many other posters have stated, and I will restate, I was a child of divorced parents. It plain old SUCKS and it doesn't matter how old the child is. It is worth working out the problems and rekindling the love that you had once upon a time. No, life isn't going to be fireworks all the time, but if you put the effort in to serve one another and find time to spend just as a couple, and remember on the wonderful reasons that you chose to be married to each other, you can indeed find happiness in marriage.

[TraceyS/FL]

I"ve been trying to answer this all afternoon.

 

I'm not sure how - i've lost the urge to go on as is, i am getting more bitter about certain things (that i can't do anything about), and i don't like what i'm turning into as a person. I've been married 16 years by the way, and on my 3rd round of trying to make it work. IT's been a long 5 years.

 

I long for "that kind of relationship", maybe someday i'll get it, but i need some time to find ME again.

[LizzyBee]

1. Commitment before God

2. I knew without a doubt that dh is the person God intended me to marry, and on days that I wish I weren't married to him, I hold on to that.

3. Dh and I were both married and divorced before we met. We know the grass isn't always greener and nobody is perfect.

4. Our previous divorces make our kids insecure about our marriage (even though our kids are ours together - neither of us has kids from our 1st marriage). If my prev divorce affects my kids that way, I can only imagine how devastated they'd be if dh and I were to get divorced.

5. We've had good years and bad - and I think we've reached a point where we recognize that the cycle is normal.

6. My oldest dd returned to school this year, and she is seeing the effects of divorce on some of her friends. She told us she's glad we're still married. That makes me want to press on, stay married, and make our marriage better than it is.

7. Statistics show that many couples divorce when they have young children. I think knowing that helped me realize that it's normal for that stage of life to be extremely stressful and divorce would only increase the stress, not relieve it. Now that my kids are older, our home is less stressful and dh and I get along much better.

8. After 16 years of marriage, I still go weak in the knees when my dh winks at me from across the room. :-)

Edited November 14, 2008 by LizzyBee

[Guest janainaz]

Rough times are just rough times. We go through seasons in our lives and we have to extend grace. You have to force yourself to see a situation from your spouses shoes. I think when you have too many expectations on this life to be "happy" you set yourself up for failure. Life just isn't always bliss. Movie romance is a facade. This is not to say romance does not exist, but when you've been with someone a very long time - day to day is not hearts and roses. It's life. I've been with my dh for 14, almost 15 years. We are building a life together.

 

I went through divorce as a kid and I could never do that to my own kids. I learned from my mother's mistake of thinking the grass was greener on the other side. She left my father after 14 years of marriage to move to California and hit the bars. She's 62 and miserable. My dad was a good husband, not perfect, still a typical man doing stupid things, but he was a good man for long-term - for a life.

 

No matter who you are married to, you go through rough seasons. You can't depend on your spouse for your own happiness. Grace and acceptance open the doors for change - willing, from-the-heart change.

 

People need to start reciting wedding vows they actually mean. Maybe they aught to just stick with "for better" and leave the "for worse" part out. Because when the worse comes - people end up divorced. The biggest problem is when people buy into the lie. Lust and love are two different things entirely and this generation is very confused.

[8filltheheart]

through the rough times. I have always wondered that. What is your motivation? Your coping mechanisms? How do you find the inner strength and resolve to do it especially if you don't have a strong support network? These are honest questions but I realize that they may be too personal. If so please don't take offense (none is meant) and feel free to skip them.

 

I posted on the other thread that my dh and I complete each other and are beyond being individuals, but are truly one.

 

That does not imply that we are not human and have not suffered. 17 yrs ago after the death of our dd, we almost ended in divorce.

 

Why are we where we are today? B/c we realized that marriage was more than a word. We were joined in a sacramental bond and it was more than us. It was and is a union sanctified by God.

 

If we were not believers and strengthened through grace, I would be a mother of 2 and single......b/c my conscience would never have allowed me to remarry.

 

Our marriage isn't focused solely on us. It is blessed and joined by God and that is there daily to move us beyond the here and now.

 

Our daily lives are not full of bliss. We have a mentally ill teenager that leaves us in turmoil more days than not. But, we are strengthened through our love, which is blessed by our Lord. And we face our lives joined completely together. W/o that love and strength of both dh and God, I would deflate. Together, we are joined and peace flows through our love.

[OnTheBrink]

Rough times are just rough times. We go through seasons in our lives and we have to extend grace. You have to force yourself to see a situation from your spouses shoes. I think when you have too many expectations on this life to be "happy" you set yourself up for failure. Life just isn't always bliss. Movie romance is a facade. This is not to say romance does not exist, but when you've been with someone a very long time - day to day is not hearts and roses. It's life. I've been with my dh for 14, almost 15 years. We are building a life together.

 

I went through divorce as a kid and I could never do that to my own kids. I learned from my mother's mistake of thinking the grass was greener on the other side. She left my father after 14 years of marriage to move to California and hit the bars. She's 62 and miserable. My dad was a good husband, not perfect, still a typical man doing stupid things, but he was a good man for long-term - for a life.

 

No matter who you are married to, you go through rough seasons. You can't depend on your spouse for your own happiness. Grace and acceptance open the doors for change - willing, from-the-heart change.

 

People need to start reciting wedding vows they actually mean. Maybe they aught to just stick with "for better" and leave the "for worse" part out. Because when the worse comes - people end up divorced. The biggest problem is when people buy into the lie. Lust and love are two different things entirely and this generation is very confused.

 

Nice advice, but it doesn't apply to every marriage gone bad.

 

Never say never. There are circumstances you can't foresee, even after having been with someone many years.

[TraceyS/FL]

Nice advice, but it doesn't apply to every marriage gone bad.

 

Never say never. There are circumstances you can't foresee, even after having been with someone many years.

 

Thank you Michelle..... I never thought i'd be here today, but well, i am.

[sunshine]

My motivation is two fold...

 

What I do for my husband, I do for God, which helps me avoid the , "I did this for you so you should respond in kind." We both try to maintain this attitude and it has helped a ton!

 

Secondly, my parents were divorced and I had several step-parents (my mom just kept marrying and divorcing) so I NEVER want that for my own children. Since I'm in this for the long haul, I figure I need to make it good. I want to thrive not just survive. So we do several things to help - consistent date nights (2x a month we trade babysitting with a friend). We find activities to do together. We laugh together, we won't go to bed mad, we allow each other space to do their own thing two or three times a month. Each of us gets a weekend away with friends once or twice a year. We also try and make a point of going away together (without kids) at least once a year - sometimes a weekend, a week or once we took 15 days and went to Europe. We read books like Love and Respect and other marriage books to keep us on track, we have attended the Marriage for a Lifetime retreats. I think we just try and be deliberate in our relationship like we are in schooling and parenting our children and it works.

 

I am happy and he is happy and our kids are happy so I think it's a good place to be. I am heartbroken for the women on this board who are not in a good place in their marriage and I am praying for them.

 

 

There is a lot of WE's in there. That is the key. WE. When it is not a WE thing, then you have a recipe for pain.

[sunshine]

I"ve been trying to answer this all afternoon.

 

I'm not sure how - i've lost the urge to go on as is, i am getting more bitter about certain things (that i can't do anything about), and i don't like what i'm turning into as a person. I've been married 16 years by the way, and on my 3rd round of trying to make it work. IT's been a long 5 years.

 

I long for "that kind of relationship", maybe someday i'll get it, but i need some time to find ME again.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I understand.

[5kidsforME]

Rough times are just rough times. We go through seasons in our lives and we have to extend grace. You have to force yourself to see a situation from your spouses shoes. I think when you have too many expectations on this life to be "happy" you set yourself up for failure. Life just isn't always bliss. Movie romance is a facade. This is not to say romance does not exist, but when you've been with someone a very long time - day to day is not hearts and roses. It's life. I've been with my dh for 14, almost 15 years. We are building a life together.

 

I went through divorce as a kid and I could never do that to my own kids. I learned from my mother's mistake of thinking the grass was greener on the other side. She left my father after 14 years of marriage to move to California and hit the bars. She's 62 and miserable. My dad was a good husband, not perfect, still a typical man doing stupid things, but he was a good man for long-term - for a life.

 

No matter who you are married to, you go through rough seasons. You can't depend on your spouse for your own happiness. Grace and acceptance open the doors for change - willing, from-the-heart change.

 

People need to start reciting wedding vows they actually mean. Maybe they aught to just stick with "for better" and leave the "for worse" part out. Because when the worse comes - people end up divorced. The biggest problem is when people buy into the lie. Lust and love are two different things entirely and this generation is very confused.

 

I realize some people don't take marriage as serisously as it should be taken.

 

BUT...you need to be careful, no one knows what truly goes on behind closed doors. Its easy to judge.

[sunshine]

SweetPeach said:(My dh was not suffering from any of the BIG A's: abuse, addiction, adultery. I absolutely do not stand in judgement of women who have to make gut-wrenching choices about their futures.quote[

 

And we thank you for that.

[Heather in Savannah]

I used to think that this was what weak women did . . . those that were too scared to kick the dead weight to the curb and forge ahead with hard-core girl-power! I used to think that I had a right to impose my agenda on my dh's emotional healing. In the past, I put on him 90% of the burden to change, be better, do the next thing, etc etc etc.

 

Now I know that God is God and I don't love my dh more than God does . . . in fact, God grieves my dh's hurt a zillion times more than I'll ever be capable of and so I rest in that. I rest in knowing that my validation, love, goodness comes from a Loving God and I do my very best to pour that respect and honour into my dh. There's a song we sing at church . . . "You're more than enough for me" and I make a choice to believe that when my dh can't love me deeply.

 

We have lovely days and painful days. I wish it could be all fixed but it never happens on my time.

 

Encouraging all of us WTM girlies without THAT marriage to hang in there! I think the joy of working it out brings such reward.

 

I can get so focused on all that I don't have that I lose sight of what I do have...what God has blessed me with. I need to spend more time praying and less time looking at myself.

[kalanamak]

I will stay as long as they are young. DH and I do not fight much, so they are not living with that.

 

I choose to stay for kiddo. We get on pretty well. I don't miss having a romantic relationship, not sure about him (he's pushing 60). I have no support in this, I wouldn't bore anyone with it.

 

I dream about a duplex with his goodwill junk packrat stuff on his side, and his kitchen a caked on mess, and two tv's going. And mine shelves and shelves of books, a few of my parent's antiques and a kitchen floor so clean you could eat off of it. If we had that division there would barely a contentious word.

 

I have learned that as possibly part of his severe dyslexia, he has to have everything out in sight or he forgets about it. Hence everything out in sight. He was raised in filth, and I think he is doing the best that can be expected. But I still dream....

[Plucky]

I love my dh. We were honeymooners for years and years. We've had many struggles and were on the verge of breaking up once. I try to remember that sometimes we are passionately in love and other times we are friends getting on each other's nerves and that we cycle in and out of these phases. I think the number one reason (besides the kids) that we are together is that even when we were at our lowest, hardest time, it crushed us both to bring each other true heart break. So it's not always an intense, passionate romance. It's real people loving, caring, trying to do their best and often failing. It's the constant struggle of accepting each other as we are, and we're not quite there yet, hence the struggle.

[Plucky]

 

Our daily lives are not full of bliss. We have a mentally ill teenager that leaves us in turmoil more days than not. But, we are strengthened through our love, which is blessed by our Lord. And we face our lives joined completely together. W/o that love and strength of both dh and God, I would deflate. Together, we are joined and peace flows through our love.

 

This is a great testimony. I think it's important that other couples know that they aren't abnormal with struggles. Everyone is always portraying their marriages as wonderfully loving and a lot of them probably are, people don't like to advertise that they struggle. Some of us struggle and keep on loving, and make it, often sheerly by the grace of God.

[Lovedtodeath]

x-post After going through the wringer for a year and a half our marriage is really really happy.

My DH is very good looking and turns heads everywhere he goes. When we were going through our problems, I thought he was downright ugly. If you don't love your DH (I didn't.) then you need to do something. I recommend Relationship Rescue. Once you get both of you committed to it (and you may have to drastically make DH realize that something has got to change) that book works really well to get both of you noticing the things that you do to sabatoge the marriage, and puts an end to the cycle. One thing to note: when you are infatuated with someone, you tend to look for reasons (excuses) to love them. Try applying that to your mate.

 

We are now happier in our marriage and with each other than we have ever been. He is really hot to me again. There are always ebbs and flows and good days/ bad days.

[Rosie_0801]

There is a lot of WE's in there. That is the key. WE. When it is not a WE thing, then you have a recipe for pain.

 

That's about it. Too much time around here is spent with me having tantrums, but that's the only way to get things going sometimes. We've been together 6 1/2 years, a daughter and most of a second pregnancy; I'm 28 and he's 32. I figure we're still young and we'll get better at it all with practise. Yesterday we managed to figure out why throwing tanties is the only way to get stuff done, which is a great achievement. We now have some idea on how to combat the problem, and we'll just have to keep practising until it becomes habit and the problem resolves. I'm sure in another ten years we'll still have our issues, but with ten years more practise, we have to be better than now! I am confident we will get there because we know we are on the same team, even when on different sides of an issue. The destination (a resolution) is the same, we just have to compromise on the road to take. I'm the one who starts all the arguments because I'm the one who can identify the problems and put them into words. Once they are in words, he is always willing to work on it. I can trust that he'll be willing, which is the important bit, but not that he'll follow through. Unfortunately neither of us are especially creative minded when it comes to thinking up solutions. I tend to think things are as simple as just doing it, whatever it is. He needs all sorts of memory tricks, which I find it hard to wrap my head around because they seem to take as much memory as the original issue. Maybe that's one of those things I'll learn to understand over the next ten years! Still, like he says, I'm like a terrier with a rat when it comes to problems and I will keep shaking it until it is fixed. Not very pleasant in the short term, but it means problems get identified. If they are identified, they can't catch us when we aren't looking. I sort of visualise marriage as being a river full of rocks. We get caught on a lot of rocks, but we knew they were there so we can get off without getting tipped out. It's unpleasant, but part of life. It's the rocks you haven't identified that will tip you out, because you happily sail right into them, not knowing they are there.

Even with all of this I still consider ours to be a good relationship. I guess I don't believe in the fairy tale. My grandmother's last words to my grandfather were "You are a stubborn old bugger!" so I view relationships as things that mature over time, but don't ever reach perfection, just like people mature over time but don't reach perfection. It's the aiming for perfection that causes the maturation though, I think.

I also read a lot about men, women and relationships. I spent 15 grand and numerous years studying stuff that doesn't matter, so I'm not going to try and wing it with something that does!

Ok, well I feel silly carrying on with all of that to a bunch of women who are older and more experienced that I am.

 

Rosie

[Amy in Orlando]

I also agree that it's important to have some kind of support system. Not a "Bash DH Team", but a few someones who know and even appreciate/love your husband, too, and can encourage you in the path you choose (not everyone can be counted on to support a decision to stay in a challenging marriage). I think you have to be careful to keep the venting to a minimum, and I know not everyone has friends that can be trusted to fill this role, but I believe they're important, not only for your sanity, but sometimes for an honest perspective and reality check.

 

I don't know that I should be offering advice. (I'll be watching this thread with interest). I don't feel that I do a good job, most of the time, but I'm continually trying new things and looking for new answers. Building a good life for yourself outside of your marriage relationship (I'm not talking about romance, just pursuits that you develop for yourself, interests, etc.) does a lot to take off the pressure, and sometimes can even resolve some of the problems that result from hoping for unrealistic things from a single relationship.

 

It's also helpful to keep in mind that marriages don't have to be perfect to be productive and even spiritually enriching. Finding good things and focusing on them is very important (something I need reminding of, often). God put my husband and I together, I have no doubt of that, and while some of the things I've learned have been hard, they've still been worthwhile, and I know that comparing my marriage to others' won't do anything but depress me, lol, but if I look at what it can teach me, on its own...the perspective is totally different.

 

So, for all of those who are discouraged by hearing how wonderful and 'in love' other couples still are, after years of marriage, I'd just offer the suggestion to try and look at your own marriage for what it is, on its own, not in contrast to Suzie and Johnny's relationship, or even (maybe especially) Claire and Jamie's, lol. ;-) (That's a reference to a fictional literary romance, for everyone wondering).

 

:iagree: I absolutely agree with Jill.

[Joanne]

Well, as a Christian

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I don't believe I have another legitimate option available to me.

 

As a Christian, I believe the option I chose was very legit.

 

A marriage on paper only isn't Biblical.

[Lovedtodeath]

Ok, well I feel silly carrying on with all of that to a bunch of women who are older and more experienced that I am.

 

Rosie

 

That would be me! Funny, I thought we were the same age. Your marriage sounds a lot like mine was about 6 years ago. We are on year 15. The difference is that I was like your DH and vise versa. :) (Well, DH also had a tendency to walk all over me, never consider any of my feelings, and I believed that he did not love me.) The book along with Godly resolve is what fixed it for us.

[CactusPair]

the kids, the kids, the kids. he is the best father. i can trust him with my children.

 

He doesn't commit any of my personal non-negotionable no-no's.

 

and...

 

realizing that life outside of this personal marriage/homelife would bring hardship I simply cannot bear for a variety of reasons. It's the question that Ann Landers used to advise readers to ask themselves: Are you better off with him or without him? I know my answer.

 

also knowing that even if he can't/won't change, I can change my own emotional/mental responses to the problems, even though this is extremely challenging.

 

also knowing that even the most hellish problems/times seem not to last forever, even though they may last for years. we've been unbelievably resilient.

 

also knowing that there are many wonderful things about him I love and appreciate even while I may be filled with rage at a particular moment or even most of my waking moments.

 

knowing that we do have, or at least had, terrifically good times just being. he makes me laugh, even when i detest him.

 

and finally knowing the we have a shared history, a shared life, no one knows me or my kids like he does--and no one knows him like I do--and no one ever could.

Edited November 14, 2008 by CactusPair

[Mad Jenny Flint]

We have had our ups and downs in nearly 16 years of marriage. We still struggle with some of the very same issues, on and off, that we have struggled with since the very beginning of our marriage. Through our marriage, though, each of us has become a better person. Because we both want to. I think that is key.

 

I used to believe that anyone could make it through in marriage, and that divorce was for weak people. I guess I am a little wiser, because I now realize that staying together takes work and commitment from both sides. Sometimes it also takes patiently waiting for the other person to decide that they are truly committed and to start working, too. In some relationships that just. doesn't. happen... and I would not judge anyone for no longer wanting to bang their head against the same wall for years.

 

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dh and I want this marriage, and we are committed to one another. We have both adjusted and changed and worked and tried to make things better when we've hit those rough patches. We have both been patient with one another while we do that. And, we remember why we like each other in the first place. That's what it takes.

 

Some people say "you are so lucky to have a good marriage." Nope. It takes more than luck. However, I would say that I *am* lucky to have a man in my life who has the character and integrity to work at it when necessary, so that I am not left to work alone.

[lighthouseacademy]

Ok, well I feel silly carrying on with all of that to a bunch of women who are older and more experienced that I am.

 

Rosie

 

I will be 30 in December and Dh will be 34 in January... but we married when I was 19 and he took me to my senior prom so that would be why I have more experience...but I am not much older!

[Rosie_0801]

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine was about 6 years ago. We are on year 15. The difference is that I was like your DH and vise versa. :) .

 

Groovy! I'll tell dh when he gets home that we're going to be fantastic and charming in 6 years time. That's a much more positive estimate than my ten years! I'll tell my brother too. He's the one I vent to, since he likes dh regardless of what I whinge on about. I'm sure he'll be delighted.

;)

Rosie

[Lovedtodeath]

Actually, after thinking it out, it was more like 4 and a half or five years. And we are charming. We make our friends sick. :tongue_smilie::D

[Peek a Boo]

As a Christian, I believe the option I chose was very legit.

 

A marriage on paper only isn't Biblical.

 

this is kinda where i am too.

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33489

 

I still KNOW that scripturally we are bound to each other for life, regardless what happens legally. And i also know that even if I thought the situation was hopeless, and remarried, being divorced/remarried is not the entire definition of a sinner ;)

 

I'm at peace w/ using legal options to secure the future for me and the kids, and have been awestruck at what it took to see a positive turn around in dh. But as his helpmeet I'm holding him accountable to continue that change --5 months is a Very. Short. Time. and I can still see signs that need to be vigilantly watched.

 

Some people need an I-beam to the forehead instead of a yes-[wo]man. Only you know what your marriage needs to thrive..... or at least stay afloat. Mine was going down and taking the kids with it. I wasn't going to watch them flounder like that.

 

good luck!

[Jennifer3141]

We're atheists mostly so we made promises to each other without anything else getting in the way.

 

We stay together because there's no else we'd rather be with. He still makes me laugh. We still laugh at Seinfeld-isms together. And when I see him across a room, my heart skips. His eyes crinkle up when I say something funny to us and there's a look that only I get from him.

 

He falls more in love with his kids everyday.

 

We have mutual friends and a life that we made together that we both love.

 

We disagree on enough minor stuff to keep it intersting and all the major stuff that would break any deals.

 

We trust each other and know that the other will never deliberately try to hurt the other.

 

We maintained an open-ness about our intimate lives that's enables us to never get broed or dissatisfied. The rule is, you have to try anything reasonable once. ;)

 

Jen

[Jenny in Florida]

I made a commitment to my husband and to this marriage. Unless it got to the point at which the situation were actually damaging to one of us, I wouldn't quit.

 

I have a commitment to my kids. Again, unless the situation is damaging in some way, I believe they are better off growing up with stability and security. To leave my marriage would turn their lives upside down.

 

In the end, my husband and I are good friends. We always have been. He is an honorable, well-meaning person (with some flaws, as we all have). He loves his kids and works hard to do right by them. Aside from "personal fulfillment," I can't think of anything to be gained by walking away.

[Peela]

How do I make it through the rough times in my marriage?

Because the momentum of a pretty established life built with him and our children is a strong force, and it would take a lot of effort to move out (in our situation, I would be the one to move out, with the kids). I have done it before- it's a big thing. So that's one incentive to stay and keep going.

Another is the kids.

But for me, I am personally not willing to stay in an unhappy marriage or one where in the long term, I feel too separate from my husband, even though we both thrive on our independence. He knows that. We are not Christians and we don't have those types of beliefs around the whole issue-that we should stay together no matter what- we just feel its worth a really good shot, for the sake of the whole family. We know we love each other- that's not an issue. Whether we can live together is an issue, at times.

 

But when it gets bad, I get really, really honest about it. So does he. One or the other of us will really tear things open for a good look. We are both willing to give each other our total honesty, to the best of our ability, and go from there. It hurts, but it hurts anyway, so may as well put it all on the table and see what happens. Usually, just being able to talk about it helps- really talk- even if it doesnt get "fixed". We both have areas we wont compromise on, but we have compassion for each other.

 

My parents also divorced. It devastated me. I will try everything before going there myself, but ultimately I would not stay just because we are married. I dont even believe my parents should have stayed together. It would have been good if they handled the whole thing better for my brother and I, but they couldn't and I get to learn from their mistakes.

[mrsdash]

I just wanted to say what I'm sure everyone knows already but....

every situation is different. I stayed too long and I did it "for the kids".I was married to my ex for 20 plus yrs. and my children were not devasted when I filed for divorce. After lots of discussion with my 2 teens, they seem to respect me for it and at times, have thanked me. I don't feel like I did any damage to them. I also know that had my mom left my father when I was young, my life would have been happier.

Of course Im not saying "don't try, file for divorce everyone!", that's not what I mean at all. I'm just saying that not all dc end up devasted by the outcome.

[TraceyS/FL]

My best friend wishes very much her mom had not "stayed for the kids" - because that was a by far nastier divorce when the kids were 30 and working for the Dad's biz (that mom ended up with) than it would have been when they were younger.

[st_claire]

We are pretty happy together. But if things started to get really bad, I would try counseling. We have made a commitment to each other and we will give it our best shot. If however, counseling did not work, I would certainly consider divorce. Over half of all marriages end in divorce. Why be so sure that yours won't? Be happy for the good times you shared, and agree when its time to move on with your lives.

[G5052]

In our case, disability and chronic health problems had made things so very much harder than they once were. DH has chronic pain, neurological issues, and PTSD. He's a man of courage and very tender-hearted, but he's often absent mentally from our family because of the heavy personal load he carries and of course crankiness is the norm. I've learned to enjoy the times when he's himself and overlook when he's "away" or edgy. Thankfully that's as far as it ever goes. Statistically, any one of his issues has a 95% divorce rate after 5 years, and we're still married after six years of this!

 

I think it helps that we are both peaceful people and very committed to each other. We've also both seen a psychotherapists with specialities in DH's issues as a couple and apart, and it helped immensely, frankly much more than counsel from our church. I'm not bitter about that, but cite it as a case where we had to go elsewhere to truly get help.

[ELaurie]

A marriage on paper only isn't Biblical.

 

I agree Joanne.

 

Neither of us has walked in one another's moccasins.

 

I wish you much happiness.

[OnTheBrink]

I agree Joanne.

 

Neither of us has walked in one another's moccasins.

 

I wish you much happiness.

 

 

:grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

As a Christian, I believe the option I chose was very legit.

 

A marriage on paper only isn't Biblical.

 

Maybe the poster that you quoted did not have a legit reason, but you did. I know someone who did not have a legit reason IMO and she went ahead and did it anyway. Now her DH has custody. She moved out of the school district, on purpose so that he would. She just wanted out. She was unhappy. No good reason for it. She got married and started a family too young, and I think her attitude needed adjustment.

 

this is kinda where i am too.

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33489

 

I still KNOW that scripturally we are bound to each other for life, regardless what happens legally. And i also know that even if I thought the situation was hopeless, and remarried, being divorced/remarried is not the entire definition of a sinner ;)

 

I'm at peace w/ using legal options to secure the future for me and the kids, and have been awestruck at what it took to see a positive turn around in dh. But as his helpmeet I'm holding him accountable to continue that change --5 months is a Very. Short. Time. and I can still see signs that need to be vigilantly watched.

 

Some people need an I-beam to the forehead instead of a yes-[wo]man. Only you know what your marriage needs to thrive..... or at least stay afloat. Mine was going down and taking the kids with it. I wasn't going to watch them flounder like that.

 

good luck!

 

Peek, I couldn't agree more.

[6packofun]

I stay. That's what makes it "work".

 

And in a strange paradox, staying is the only selfish thing I seem to do in this marriage...because it's easier for ME than it would be to leave, be a divorced parent sharing custody and trying to figure out the working world at this stage in my life. I want to homeschool. I'm selfish about my kids and so I stay.

 

Dh and I get along fine and are friends. We laugh and have some good times. But when I teach my daughters to be oh so careful about who they choose in a spouse because the rest of their life literally depends upon it, yeah, I'm thinking of MY choice. With regret.

[Colleen]

I've been thinking about this question since yesterday ~ "How do you survive a challenging marriage?" ~ and have yet to hit upon an answer. I've read all the replies and surprisingly, I didn't connect with much of what others said. Despite my Christian faith, I can't honestly say it's what keeps me married. Perhaps if we'd actually had a religious ceremony, something tangible to represent the covenant, I'd more readily fall back on that. In reality, we had a civil ceremony in the midst of a day skiing and I actually didn't give marriage a whole heckuvva lotta thought beforehand.

 

I do believe our marriage should be a reflection of Christ's union with the Church, but ours is not and just sticking it out based on my faith isn't what keeps me going. It's more what Peela said: Changing the momentum would take a lot of effort, a lot of upheaval, and I'm not up for it. I don't want to put my kids through it, either. Which is not to say I think people should always and ever stay in a marriage purely for the sake of the children. But despite what is, more often than not, a complete lack of communication and connectedness between my husband and myself, our boys have a good life. We have a good life. An easy life when compared to so many, many people in the world. Goodness! It isn't as if my life, our life, is all hand-wringing and woe. We have an abundance of good times, as a family, and yes, even Hans and me once in a blue moon.

 

I don't believe changing our life drastically so I can actually be a single single person, rather than a married single person, is in everyone's best interests. And change, for us, would be very drastic indeed. The fact that we're partners in a business, that my husband is not a U.S. citizen ~ these things would serve as further complications.

 

No, it's just not worth it. On the other hand, I seem to have reached a point wherien nothing relating to my marriage seems worth it. I find that the more I just tune it out, the happier I am, strange as that may sound. I don't know that I'm even wired to be married.

 

Any-hoo. Yada yada yada. Chalk this up to another ramble on my part.:tongue_smilie: