Parenting young teens in the social media era

[amy g.]

For us, we modify our plan depending on the child.

 

My older children all had smart phones and SM accounts by the time they were 13. My oldest just uses her SM to post pictures of her art work. She texts photos to her sisters and all of her emails are about school. I know because once our phones got linked and I got all of her content. I thought, “Girl, do you even think about anything other than school? “

 

Ds had to be monitored more. He had a Runescape account at 10 and then got pretty involved in LEGO forums because he was buying guns, adapting them and then selling them for a profit. He briefly had a FB account, but shut it down and deleted it because of his desire for privacy.

 

Looking back, I wish I had asked them to use fake names for their FB accounts even if it is against the rules.

 

My middle daughter has more social needs than the rest of us. We were in a pretty isolated place, but I made sure she had homeschool classes several times a week. She never bonded with those kids. We also sent her across the country to art camp every summer. That is where she made her friends.

 

She relied on texting and Skype for almost all of her social life because her friends were all over the world. Everything was fine until this one friend....

 

She loved to stir up drama. Dd has an issue that she wants to take care of everyone and solve everyone’s problems. If she had been born in my generation, she would have been sneaking the land line and staying on the phone all night or sneaking out of the house to be stay with a friend who was having a crisis.

 

She crossed my line by being grouchy to her siblings (lack of sleep) and lying to her dad about where her iPod was so he wouldn’t take it away.

 

At that point, I figured my kid was crying out for help, so I took away all screens for 18 months. I talked to her teachers and she had to hand write all of her papers and do all of her research with the card catalog.

 

This only worked because she was physically very far from her friends.

 

When she earned her screens back, she was much better able to set limits. And I gave her one uninterrupted hour each evening to talk to her friends.

 

But here is the thing, her underlying problem is the same. She is in a dorm and a close friend on her floor attempted suicide this semester. That is the kind of thing that sends her spiraling. She is tempted to not leave his side, stay up all night taking care of him, miss her exam the next day....

 

Instead, she called the authorities, let him know she was there for him when he got better, went to sleep, went to class, took her test....

 

I think the only reason she did that was because she KNEW if she let friends interfere with her school work, I’d drive up there and jerk her out of school in a heartbeat. But how could she know that if we hadn’t gone through all of the challenges and learning opportunities with her friends when she lived at home?

 

Really, I feel like SM is inherently neutral. I remember when I first got internet at home and my grandmother thought it was only for porn. She couldn’t figure out why I would want that. Instead, I made great friends and learned things that I never would have learned in my own little neighborhood.

 

I think alcohol is neutral too. It can be used for good and for evil. But my own family has a tendency towards alcoholism so our policies are going to look different from another family’s. That doesn’t make either one wrong.

 

My 11 year old has an iPhone. She uses it to take pictures to send her sisters. She listens to audiobooks. She can’t really even text her friends much because most of them don’t have phones and if they do, they are only allowed to use them a couple of hours each weekend. I’m not too worried about this kid yet. Asked her to look up something for me, and she didn’t even know how to get to the internet on her phone.

 

She also has a sport that takes up a huge amount of time. She only watches movies when she is sick. Otherwise she is reading a book or playing outside.

 

I don’t see any reason to limit her screen time, but I absolutely would if she shows signs of needing help.

 

So for us, our policies look different depending on the kid and the time.

[unsinkable]

This seems so...I don't know. Dismissive? I'm not sure how to phrase it. Victim blaming?

 

I asked dd16 last night if she had ever had any cyber bullying or anyone suggest or try posting anything inappropriate. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

 

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[Jean in Newcastle]

This seems so...I don't know. Dismissive? I'm not sure how to phrase it. Victim blaming?

 

 

I think that you need to read a bit more critically.  She said "that STUFF (ie. cyber bullying and inappropriate pictures) is stupid".  Do you like those things?  Do you think that those things are victims? 

[unsinkable]

I asked dd16 last night if she had ever had any cyber bullying or anyone suggest or try posting anything inappropriate. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This seems so...I don't know. Dismissive? I'm not sure how to phrase it. Victim blaming?

 

 

I think that you need to read a bit more critically. She said "that STUFF (ie. cyber bullying and inappropriate pictures) is stupid". Do you like those things? Do you think that those things are victims?

She snorted, which people sometimes do with derision and scorn. I wasn't there, so I don't know if she snorted with delight or derision. But given the rest of the post, I took it as a negative type of snort.

 

Then she went onto to say HER friends aren't into stupid stuff.

 

To me, that implies that if it happens to Other People, it is bc THEIR friends are into stupid stuff. HER friends are better than that. SHE is better than that.

 

I think of kids starting at new schools and new activities, and reaching out to form new friendships. They are taking a risk, and sometimes they "get burned" by being bullied by someone they thought was a friend, that they could trust.

 

Or even long term friendships can sour and kids can become the victims of their former "best friends."

Edited March 4, 2018 by unsinkable

[Jean in Newcastle]

She snorted, which people sometimes do with derision and scorn. I wasn't there, so I don't know if she snorted with delight or derision. But given the rest of the post, I took it as a negative type of snort.

 

Then she went onto to say HER friends aren't into stupid stuff.

 

To me, that implies that if it happens to Other People, it is bc THEIR friends are into stupid stuff. HER friends are better than that. SHE is better than that.

 

I think of kids starting at new schools and new activities, and reaching out to form new friendships. They are taking a risk, and sometimes they "get burned" by being bullied by someone they thought was a friend, that they could trust.

 

Or even long term friendships can sour and kids can become the victims of their former "best friends."

 

Stop putting words and motives into my 16 year old daughter's mouth.  She snorted because she thinks it is funny when I ask her things based on what I read on the board.  I know that you don't like me but leave my daughter out of it. 

[Wheres Toto]

Ironically it’s been grandparents who are the bad example. One will ignore whole conversations even though we came 4 hours to visit in exchange for the text that just came in. The other is obsessed with Facebook. Spends hours a day checking it out.

 

My kids, being on the receiving end of this. Don’t appreciate it. Particularly if they behaved that way on a visit their phone would be gone for a long time. We talk a lot about being present for those around you.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Dh is 13 years older than me so his classmates are now 61-64 years old.  We've gone to a couple informal reunions in the past few years with them.  I always laugh about all of them being on their phones, taking pictures to post, etc.  I tell dh it's because they didn't grow up with it and never learned to moderate.   :cool:

 

He laughs and points out that they didn't even grow up with color tv.  

 

   

[Ausmumof3]

I plan on holding off on social media as long as possible - hopefully until 16 or so. DH is a therapist and most of our friends are currently therapists and school psychologists. I've heard too many horror stories from all of them. Through all socioeconomic areas here, all types of kids, bullying, and sexting are everywhere on social media.

 

"No, you won't send me a nude? I'll find one online and tell everyone in school it's you anyway"

 

These friends and DH are all level headed people who enjoy technology themselves and the biggest advice I've gotten from them is to hold off. So I'm holding.

Not that I'm not planning the same strategy but, I imagine the therapists and psychologists see the negative outcomes more than any positive ones because the success stories don't end up in the therapists office.

[Ausmumof3]

Ds (now 20) had a computer gaming problem when he was 13. It had nothing to do with SM. His brain couldn’t handle some of the chemicals released by first person shooter games. It simultaneously made him rage and be addicted. We went cold turkey on those types of games for two years (but not other computer uses). Then as his brain matured, he was able to reintroduce them.

 

He likes to game but he and his friends spend hours talking about music, books, history, philosophy,God, science..... If there are sticky subjects or the rare drama (things like suicide or cutting have come up ) they ask for my input. I have no problem with these things coming up. They are real life problems that young people deal with.

 

I’m glad that they ask for my involvement and input though. It’s why I have spent hours playing Runescape and other games getting to know these young people. (Actually on Runescape I have had complete strangers tell me their problems once they find out that I am a mom and finally get over their shock. ). I don’t play those games now but when ds was reintroduced to gaming I spent a lot of time gaming with him. It was important to him just like telling me all about legos or Star Wars was important to him when he was little.

 

 

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You are the mum I want to be ...

[Scarlett]

We have been trying so hard to establish a balance. But yeah, we have come to the decision that there will be no social media accounts in the near future (next couple of years anyway).

 

My biggest problem right now is the texting. If a friend has a social media account, they can take anything my kid shares in a text conversation and post it on their own social media account. Tough learning curve happening here, about both the consequences of frivolous posting and the loyalty level of friends.

 

Personally I would love to just completely pull the plug, and can actually get away with that in the short term. But in the world we live in, good habits must be formed, so we will eventually go through this again. I am hoping we can at least get past a couple of drama intense years and on a little more mature, forward-looking level before re-engaging.

 

I just can't keep stretching thin enough to keep all the bases covered, so I am taking this part of it out of the game. Huge crackdown on texting coming.

 

I guess if there's a question in this, it would be whether any of you have gone to plans that allow only a certain number of texts per month. I'm thinking one group chat blown up could teach a real lesson there! A kid should not wake up each morning to find hundreds of message notifications.

A friend posting a private text to social media is not a social media problem. That is a friend picker problem.

 

And 100s of text notifications per day? Again that isn't social media.....that is a moderation issue.

 

I don't believe we can turn back the clock on social media and texting. Just like with any tool, some will misuse it. My nieces have gotten in so much trouble with their smart phones.....my boys? Very little issue. Neither of them post to social media although they do look through IG at friends posts.

 

Our boys had phones at 12 but that had more to do with them going off to visitation....if we had not needed to r each them during those times we would have delayed phones for a few years. My son got a smart phone at age 14. And that is the last phone I have bought or will buy for him.

[Scarlett]

For us, we modify our plan depending on the child.

 

My older children all had smart phones and SM accounts by the time they were 13. My oldest just uses her SM to post pictures of her art work. She texts photos to her sisters and all of her emails are about school. I know because once our phones got linked and I got all of her content. I thought, “Girl, do you even think about anything other than school? “

 

Ds had to be monitored more. He had a Runescape account at 10 and then got pretty involved in LEGO forums because he was buying guns, adapting them and then selling them for a profit. He briefly had a FB account, but shut it down and deleted it because of his desire for privacy.

 

Looking back, I wish I had asked them to use fake names for their FB accounts even if it is against the rules.

 

My middle daughter has more social needs than the rest of us. We were in a pretty isolated place, but I made sure she had homeschool classes several times a week. She never bonded with those kids. We also sent her across the country to art camp every summer. That is where she made her friends.

 

She relied on texting and Skype for almost all of her social life because her friends were all over the world. Everything was fine until this one friend....

 

She loved to stir up drama. Dd has an issue that she wants to take care of everyone and solve everyone’s problems. If she had been born in my generation, she would have been sneaking the land line and staying on the phone all night or sneaking out of the house to be stay with a friend who was having a crisis.

 

She crossed my line by being grouchy to her siblings (lack of sleep) and lying to her dad about where her iPod was so he wouldn’t take it away.

 

At that point, I figured my kid was crying out for help, so I took away all screens for 18 months. I talked to her teachers and she had to hand write all of her papers and do all of her research with the card catalog.

 

This only worked because she was physically very far from her friends.

 

When she earned her screens back, she was much better able to set limits. And I gave her one uninterrupted hour each evening to talk to her friends.

 

But here is the thing, her underlying problem is the same. She is in a dorm and a close friend on her floor attempted suicide this semester. That is the kind of thing that sends her spiraling. She is tempted to not leave his side, stay up all night taking care of him, miss her exam the next day....

 

Instead, she called the authorities, let him know she was there for him when he got better, went to sleep, went to class, took her test....

 

I think the only reason she did that was because she KNEW if she let friends interfere with her school work, I’d drive up there and jerk her out of school in a heartbeat. But how could she know that if we hadn’t gone through all of the challenges and learning opportunities with her friends when she lived at home?

 

Really, I feel like SM is inherently neutral. I remember when I first got internet at home and my grandmother thought it was only for porn. She couldn’t figure out why I would want that. Instead, I made great friends and learned things that I never would have learned in my own little neighborhood.

 

I think alcohol is neutral too. It can be used for good and for evil. But my own family has a tendency towards alcoholism so our policies are going to look different from another family’s. That doesn’t make either one wrong.

 

My 11 year old has an iPhone. She uses it to take pictures to send her sisters. She listens to audiobooks. She can’t really even text her friends much because most of them don’t have phones and if they do, they are only allowed to use them a couple of hours each weekend. I’m not too worried about this kid yet. Asked her to look up something for me, and she didn’t even know how to get to the internet on her phone.

 

She also has a sport that takes up a huge amount of time. She only watches movies when she is sick. Otherwise she is reading a book or playing outside.

 

I don’t see any reason to limit her screen time, but I absolutely would if she shows signs of needing help.

 

So for us, our policies look different depending on the kid and the time.

Very much my view on phones and social media.

[Scarlett]

I plan on holding off on social media as long as possible - hopefully until 16 or so. DH is a therapist and most of our friends are currently therapists and school psychologists. I've heard too many horror stories from all of them. Through all socioeconomic areas here, all types of kids, bullying, and sexting are everywhere on social media.

 

"No, you won't send me a nude? I'll find one online and tell everyone in school it's you anyway"

 

These friends and DH are all level headed people who enjoy technology themselves and the biggest advice I've gotten from them is to hold off. So I'm holding.

For all those horror stories there are kids who use it with no issues. Neither of my sons have been bullied at all. We did keep the phones out of there rooms u til about a year ago....and until less than a year ago I had the password to Ds's phone and I read theough all his stuff when ever I wanted. No issues. He was 17 when he asked me for privacy. After a thoughtful, well reasoned discussion about more freedom while he still lives at home I agreed.

[unsinkable]

Stop putting words and motives into my 16 year old daughter's mouth. She snorted because she thinks it is funny when I ask her things based on what I read on the board. I know that you don't like me but leave my daughter out of it.

I'm not sure what liking you had to do with my opinions of the ideas expressed in your posts. But it is a great way to dismiss what I'm saying...

 

Let me understand you...

 

You're saying you can post what your DD says in defense of your opinion, and no one is permitted to question you? BC, AFAIK, I'm speaking to YOU, not your 16 yo DD.

 

I take your posts as you using her words to defend your opinions.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm not sure what liking you had to do with my opinions of the ideas expressed in your posts. But it is a great way to dismiss what I'm saying...

 

Let me understand you...

 

You're saying you can post what your DD says in defense of your opinion, and no one is permitted to question you? BC, AFAIK, I'm speaking to YOU, not your 16 yo DD.

 

I take your posts as you using her words to defend your opinions.

I posted what she said because I thought it was interesting and funny. I didn’t post it as a footnote to a thesis.

 

What am I defending? That some kids don’t have trouble with SM? Ok. I believe that and have seen that in my experience. Do you have a problem with me saying that?

 

I understand that some kids do have problems with SM. My experience doesn’t contradict or threaten those who have had that experience or who are parenting with that in mind. And actually, I did parent with that in mind. But as I saw how my particular kids handled it, I gave them more freedom just as when I saw how my son was not handling gaming well, I gave him the limits he needed. Is this the point you want to call me out on?

 

As others have also said, I see a lot of the SM drama to be a friend picking issue. Is this the terrible opinion that you want to address by going after my daughter instead of simply saying what you disagree with?

[eternalsummer]

I think it would generally be considered victim-blaming to suggest that girls who have bullying or sexual harassment problems with social media, or whose social media contacts spread vicious rumors about her, primarily have these problems because they've chosen the wrong friends.

 

It might be true - but so is the correlation between getting drunk at parties in college and being sexually harassed or raped.  It's still kind of in bad taste to say well, that won't happen to me because my friends and I aren't into that kind of stuff, kwim?

[Catwoman]

I posted what she said because I thought it was interesting and funny. I didn’t post it as a footnote to a thesis.

 

What am I defending? That some kids don’t have trouble with SM? Ok. I believe that and have seen that in my experience. Do you have a problem with me saying that?

 

I understand that some kids do have problems with SM. My experience doesn’t contradict or threaten those who have had that experience or who are parenting with that in mind. And actually, I did parent with that in mind. But as I saw how my particular kids handled it, I gave them more freedom just as when I saw how my son was not handling gaming well, I gave him the limits he needed. Is this the point you want to call me out on?

 

As others have also said, I see a lot of the SM drama to be a friend picking issue. Is this the terrible opinion that you want to address by going after my daughter instead of simply saying what you disagree with?

I have been following this thread and I have to say that maybe I’m missing something, but I didn’t get the impression that unsinkable was “going after†your daughter. I saw that she was commenting on your post, but I didn't get the impression that she was being malicious or making a personal attack on your daughter.

 

I feel like I must be missing something here because unsinkable seemed to be posting her opinion on something you posted, and don’t we all do that whenever we quote each other and disagree about something?

[Seasider]

Stop putting words and motives into my 16 year old daughter's mouth. She snorted because she thinks it is funny when I ask her things based on what I read on the board. I know that you don't like me but leave my daughter out of it.

Jean, I like you! But I did get the same initial feeling as unsinkable from the post you shared about your dd's response... that y'all thought my kid and her friends must be...stupid.

 

I am glad you clarified her position, thank you.

 

Cyberspace - the imperfect medium.

[Seasider]

A friend posting a private text to social media is not a social media problem. That is a friend picker problem.

 

And 100s of text notifications per day? Again that isn't social media.....that is a moderation issue.

 

I don't believe we can turn back the clock on social media and texting. Just like with any tool, some will misuse it. My nieces have gotten in so much trouble with their smart phones.....my boys? Very little issue. Neither of them post to social media although they do look through IG at friends posts.

 

Our boys had phones at 12 but that had more to do with them going off to visitation....if we had not needed to r each them during those times we would have delayed phones for a few years. My son got a smart phone at age 14. And that is the last phone I have bought or will buy for him.

The social media is not the problem.

 

The social media exacerbates the problem. Thought I'd made that pretty clear. If not - well, I just did.

[Scarlett]

The social media is not the problem.

 

The social media exacerbates the problem. Thought I'd made that pretty clear. If not - well, I just did.

Sorry. I didn't read the rest of the thread. I can delete my post if you prefer.

[Catwoman]

Jean, I like you! But I did get the same initial feeling as unsinkable from the post you shared about your dd's response... that y'all thought my kid and her friends must be...stupid.

 

I am glad you clarified her position, thank you.

 

Cyberspace - the imperfect medium.

I must admit that the post confused me as well, and I interpreted the post the same way you and unsinkable did. I was glad that unsinkable posted to ask for clarification.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it would generally be considered victim-blaming to suggest that girls who have bullying or sexual harassment problems with social media, or whose social media contacts spread vicious rumors about her, primarily have these problems because they've chosen the wrong friends.

 

It might be true - but so is the correlation between getting drunk at parties in college and being sexually harassed or raped. It's still kind of in bad taste to say well, that won't happen to me because my friends and I aren't into that kind of stuff, kwim?

It would be victim blaming if I said that they have brought it on themselves. But I didn’t say that. In fact I said that one of DD’s online friends did turn on her. And no longer is a friend. But I don’t see a reason to ban SM for a group of friends who have not abused it. What would be the point?

 

The reason I asked my dd the question was because I wanted to make sure that it was not part of her experience without me knowing about it. I was pleased that she thought that those activities were dumb because that tells me that it wasn’t a social experience and environment that she was just going along with. Because some kids do go along with it. Not because they are stupid but because they are young and inexperienced and want others to like them.

 

I really do not understand what has happened here. I have not said anything controversial. If people misinterpreted what my dd said, that she said that people are stupid, then they misread what I posted. I have done that on occasion when reading too quickly. And I have apologized when it was pointed out to me.

 

I am not the only person who said that there is a friend component to SM drama. I don’t see anyone going after anyone else with guns blazing.

 

And with that, I am done with this SM drama. I have given my opinion and my experience just as every other poster in this thread . I have tried to be respectful of others and their children’s experiences and their parenting choices. I haven’t even disagreed with anyone. I have made different choices based on my particular kids and circumstances but that isn’t disagreement. I don’t think that I am out of line to expect the same consideration.

[Terabith]

My kids (12 and 14) have smart phones, and the 14 year old has social media, although she doesn't use it much.  However, they both do spend a lot of time texting.  It's how communication with friends happens.  Even my very introverted kid needs social interaction.  As a side benefit, since we got her the phone (at Christmas, at 12.5), her spelling has improved exponentially.  For a dyslexic kid who has been spelling at the first grade level since she was in first grade, that's HUGE.  It's honestly made more of a difference than all the thousands of dollars we've spent on OG tutoring.

[Seasider]

Sorry. I didn't read the rest of the thread. I can delete my post if you prefer.

No need to delete! It's a convoluted situation, convoluted issue.

 

We do need to train our kids to use tech wisely, because this is their world. But as a weary parent, I'm saying I don't want to do it *today*. Or maybe not for another year.

[Catwoman]

It would be victim blaming if I said that they have brought it on themselves. But I didn’t say that. In fact I said that one of DD’s online friends did turn on her. And no longer is a friend. But I don’t see a reason to ban SM for a group of friends who have not abused it. What would be the point?

 

The reason I asked my dd the question was because I wanted to make sure that it was not part of her experience without me knowing about it. I was pleased that she thought that those activities were dumb because that tells me that it wasn’t a social experience and environment that she was just going along with. Because some kids do go along with it. Not because they are stupid but because they are young and inexperienced and want others to like them.

 

I really do not understand what has happened here. I have not said anything controversial. If people misinterpreted what my dd said, that she said that people are stupid, then they misread what I posted. I have done that on occasion when reading too quickly. And I have apologized when it was pointed out to me.

 

I am not the only person who said that there is a friend component to SM drama. I don’t see anyone going after anyone else with guns blazing.

 

And with that, I am done with this SM drama. I have given my opinion and my experience just as every other poster in this thread . I have tried to be respectful of others and their children’s experiences and their parenting choices. I haven’t even disagreed with anyone. I have made different choices based on my particular kids and circumstances but that isn’t disagreement. I don’t think that I am out of line to expect the same consideration.

Have you considered that perhaps the problem was that your phrasing was confusing, and not that we misread what you posted? I’m not trying to be argumentative; I’m just suggesting that several people apparently interpreted your post in the same way, so maybe you weren’t quite as clear as you thought you were. Now that you clarified and we know what your daughter meant by her comment, no one seems to be criticizing her at all. I know I’m not. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have you considered that perhaps the problem was that your phrasing was confusing, and not that we misread what you posted? I’m not trying to be argumentative; I’m just suggesting that several people apparently interpreted your post in the same way, so maybe you weren’t quite as clear as you thought you were. Now that you clarified and we know what your daughter meant by her comment, no one seems to be criticizing her at all. I know I’m not. :)

All I had to do to “clarify†was to point out the actual grammar of what I wrote.

[unsinkable]

I think it would generally be considered victim-blaming to suggest that girls who have bullying or sexual harassment problems with social media, or whose social media contacts spread vicious rumors about her, primarily have these problems because they've chosen the wrong friends.

 

It might be true - but so is the correlation between getting drunk at parties in college and being sexually harassed or raped. It's still kind of in bad taste to say well, that won't happen to me because my friends and I aren't into that kind of stuff, kwim?

If I wrote:

 

I asked dd16 if she had ever had any one inappropriately touch her or sexually assault her. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

What conclusions would be drawn? Would people see the problem with this line of thinking then?

[ChocolateReignRemix]

If I wrote:

 

I asked dd16 if she had ever had any one inappropriately touch her or sexually assault her. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

What conclusions would be drawn? Would people see the problem with this line of thinking then?

 

That doesn't make sense as assault isn't something you are "in to" so your comparison is faulty.

[unsinkable]

That doesn't make sense as assault isn't something you are "in to" so your comparison is faulty.

I replaced "cyber bullying or anyone suggest or try posting anything inappropriate" with inappropriately touch or sexually assault.I

 

I replaced the forms of abuse.

[Tanaqui]

That doesn't make sense as assault isn't something you are "in to" so your comparison is faulty.

 

Are you suggesting that bullying is?

 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I replaced "cyber bullying or anyone suggest or try posting anything inappropriate" with inappropriately touch or sexually assault.I

 

I replaced the forms of abuse.

 

Cyberbullying is something Jean's daughter and friends can commit, but she is staying they don't participate in it.

 

Sexual assault is something they would be victims of, and therefore they do not choose participation.

[Tanaqui]

ChocolateReign, you're making a distinction that doesn't make sense.

 

Cyberbullying is something they can commit OR be victims of. Sexual assault is something they can commit OR be victims of. Obviously neither of these things happens without both a victim AND a perpetrator.

 

Edit: And not to put too fine a point on it, but while I'm sure her daughter is telling the truth, the fact remains that most people who are "into" bullying and harassing and assaulting others don't exactly admit it to their parents. "Oh, yeah, Mom, my friends and I love making other people feel bad!"

 

For that matter, many victims also don't tell their parents, even when directly questioned.

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by Tanaqui

[IfIOnly]

My son says that a good amount of the kids in his high school classes are disengaged and on their phones all through class. I'm sure it's a mix of texting, SM, and playing games the kids are doing. It's amazing to me that the parents and teachers don't mind. Also, he does not have a cell or social media accounts and is doing very well socially.

Edited March 5, 2018 by IfIOnly

[Catwoman]

All I had to do to “clarify†was to point out the actual grammar of what I wrote.

Wow, Jean.

 

I was trying to be nice because I felt badly that you were upset, yet still gently let you know that your post was phrased awkwardly and that it didn’t necessarily convey the message you intended.

 

But you’re still acting like several people were apparently too stupid to understand what you meant.

 

That’s kind of insulting, and I’m surprised that you won’t acknowledge that if several people all interpreted your post in the exact same way, maybe they misread the intention behind your post, but they probably didn’t misread your actual post.

[unsinkable]

How about this:

 

I asked dd16 if she had ever had any one haze her. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

What is implied about hazing and who it happens to?

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Are you suggesting that bullying is?

 

Read my additional post.  Teens do engage/participate in cyberbullying. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

How about this:

 

I asked dd16 if she had ever had any one haze her. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

What is implied about hazing and who it happens to?

 

Much better.

 

Now why is the daughter saying hazing is stupid and her friends are not into it so awful?

[Tanaqui]

As others have also said, I see a lot of the SM drama to be a friend picking issue. Is this the terrible opinion that you want to address by going after my daughter instead of simply saying what you disagree with?

 

I don't think it's so clear-cut. It seems evident to me that a great many people are harassed online by perfect strangers. That includes kids and teens. I'm glad it hasn't happened to your kid, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 

[Tanaqui]

I read your post, ChocolateReign. I replied to it. I didn't think it made much sense, though. Do you imagine that when kids get assaulted by other teens, nobody actually committed the act in question?

 

Ridiculous!

 

Obviously, assault is a two party job. You need one person to do the assaulting, and the other to be assaulted. Just like bullying - one person bullies, the other is bullied. When you're assaulted, somebody did it! And when you bully, somebody is getting harmed!

 

These two things are alike.

 

More than alike, they're often the same. Cyberbullying often takes the form of sexual harassment, and it's often done at the same time, and by the same people, as IRL assault.

 

Now why is the daughter saying hazing is stupid and her friends are not into it so awful?

 

Because she's implicitly saying that the people who get harmed by hazing practices are stupid. "You were forced to do this dangerous, disgusting, and degrading thing? LOL, so dumb!"

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by Tanaqui

[ktgrok]

Thank you ladies for saying no Social Media.   

 

I am going to do that.   If they want to use it as adults, can't stop you.   

 

You all realizing we are discussing social media  ON social media, right?

 

This forum is social media. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

ChocolateReign, you're making a distinction that doesn't make sense.

 

Cyberbullying is something they can commit OR be victims of. Sexual assault is something they can commit OR be victims of. Obviously neither of these things happens without both a victim AND a perpetrator.

 

Edit: And not to put too fine a point on it, but while I'm sure her daughter is telling the truth, the fact remains that most people who are "into" bullying and harassing and assaulting others don't exactly admit it to their parents. "Oh, yeah, Mom, my friends and I love making other people feel bad!"

 

For that matter, many victims also don't tell their parents, even when directly questioned.

 

You are interpreting the daughter's comment rather oddly.  Some teens are into bullying others. She said that bullying is stupid and her friends are not into it.

 

That doesn't say anything about victims of bullying.  I simply cannot see how what the daughter said is controversial or diminishes victims.

[ktgrok]

We don't have cell phones or social media accounts, and neither do the kids.

 

They have friends.  They're just local friends, to whom they talk in person or on the phone (or, occasionally, for ones we've moved away from, in letters or email).  

 

This IS a social media account. Forums are a type of social media. 

[IfIOnly]

I plan on holding off on social media as long as possible - hopefully until 16 or so. DH is a therapist and most of our friends are currently therapists and school psychologists. I've heard too many horror stories from all of them. Through all socioeconomic areas here, all types of kids, bullying, and sexting are everywhere on social media.

 

"No, you won't send me a nude? I'll find one online and tell everyone in school it's you anyway"

 

These friends and DH are all level headed people who enjoy technology themselves and the biggest advice I've gotten from them is to hold off. So I'm holding.

Thank you for sharing!

[Tanaqui]

You are interpreting the daughter's comment rather oddly. Some teens are into bullying others. She said that bullying is stupid and her friends are not into it.

 

And some teens are into sexually assaulting others. And generally, the bullying and the sexual assault are two sides of the same coin. Either way, you're not likely to tell your mom about it.

 

And you know what? I'm not interpreting anything "oddly", as seen by the fact that many people agree with me.

 

You might disagree with this understanding of what was said, but it's clearly something that multiple people think is a reasonable interpretation of the words.

 

What seems odd to me is that the part you bolded has little to do with what you said. It looks like you were specifying the part where I pointed out that if her daughter DID like to bully people online she's not going to volunteer that information to Mom... but instead you talked about how this has nothing to do with victims. Not seeing the relevance between those two sets of text. Did you mean to bold that part?

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by Tanaqui

[Tanaqui]

She said that bullying is stupid and her friends are not into it.

 

That doesn't say anything about victims of bullying.  I simply cannot see how what the daughter said is controversial or diminishes victims.

 

Went back to the original post. Her daughter was not asked if SHE had bullied anybody, but if anybody had tried bullying HER.

 

Answering "Have you ever been bullied?" with "Bullying is stupid" doesn't make much sense. I don't see another way to understand that exchange.

 

Edited March 5, 2018 by Tanaqui

[KathyBC]

We've talked about similar ideas before, being proud of and backhandedly praising our "nerdy" kids. I have one of those and am proud of how out of touch he chooses to be with the dark side of SM. I expect Jean's post might have come across better if prefaced with something like "Brag alert". Parenting young teens in the age of social media is exhausting for some of us, like the OP, so yes, that conversation reported the way it was can come across as dismissive.

 

If you read all of her posts however, she's pretty genuine in stating her family's situation. It would be nice to put the pitchforks away.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

And some teens are into sexually assaulting others. And generally, the bullying and the sexual assault are two sides of the same coin. Either way, you're not likely to tell your mom about it.

 

And you know what? I'm not interpreting anything "oddly", as seen by the fact that many people agree with me.

 

You might disagree with this understanding of what was said, but it's clearly something that multiple people think is a reasonable interpretation of the words.

 

What seems odd to me is that the part you bolded has little to do with what you said. It looks like you were specifying the part where I pointed out that if her daughter DID like to bully people online she's not going to volunteer that information to Mom... but instead you talked about how this has nothing to do with victims. Not seeing the relevance between those two sets of text. Did you mean to bold that part?

 

I personally interpret people making the same odd interpretations as hive group think so it doesn't mean anything to me.

 

You still haven't explained why Jean's daughter saying her friends aren't into bullying is diminishing victims.

 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Went back to the original post. Her daughter was not asked if SHE had bullied anybody, but if anybody had tried bullying HER.

 

Answering "Have you ever been bullied?" with "Bullying is stupid" doesn't make much sense. I don't see another way to understand that exchange.

 

Except what she actually said was:

She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

Taking out the "my friends aren't into that" changes the meaning a great deal.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

For everyone helpfully pointing out that this forum is social media, as if the parents whose 13yos are not on Instagram don't know that, please remember that a lot of parents have different rules for what adults and minor children are allowed to do...

 

My college student takes interstate trips with his girlfriend (now fiancée), plays music in bars as one of his many forms of employment, lives with a roommate who has mainstream, non-Puritan adult habits and semi-sketchy friends, and uses texting and social media daily. Actually, FB Msgr is the primary way he contacts me. His father and I have no problem with any of this. He is a very responsible adult who has a good reputation, highly visible jobs in community and college, a 3.9 GPA, and a full ride scholarship to grad school. His career field is in the clergy; he is a "liberal" Christian but not a libertine.

 

If my 13yo son had friends or roommates who partied, or went on week long trips with a girl, or played music in bars, DH and I would have something to say about that. He is still a child. He doesn't have the same privileges as his 17yo brother, or as his two adult brothers. We think that's normal; we will continue to keep a few rules and restrictions in place for awhile. He will grow in responsibilities and privileges until he's an adult.

 

Our adult children who did not use smart phones or social media until about age 18, did not go hog wild with it, anymore than they went out and became drug users or hellions in other ways. They had not been raised in a bubble. They all used the Internet at home and at the library, all were out in the community with activities and jobs, some had part time classes, they all drove, etc.; they were not sheltered, or expected to live under a lot of control as adults, so there was no need for rebellion or the losing of their minds. They'd had plenty of real life already.

[bethben]

We were of the mindset that you give a 12 year old web access with parental oversite so they can learn how to deal with all the junk coming at them from phones and the internet. Ds#2 has done ok. He still has some issues with staying up too late and we remove the temptation for a while. Ds#3 has been a nightmare. He has shown some addictive behaviors and is totally device free. We have a Mac and I limit his server to the ability to use word processing only. We had to get a safe to hold unused devices because he figured out ways to get around passcodes and find the devices that didn’t have them. He may not get anything until he’s much older.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SparklyUnicorn]

My teen has no interest in social media. I don't know why. We've never made any rules regarding the Internet.

 

He dropped the only friend he's had who made BAD choices. DS doesn't give second chances with stuff like that.

 

Same here.  Neither kid cares.  One asked to join Facebook and I said sure.  His only "friends" are my husband and me.  I don't think he ever even looks at it. The other kid likes reading/posting on Twitter, but..ya know..Twitter.  It's not that exciting.  He doesn't post pictures of himself or anything like that. 

 

They both now have phones, but 99% of the time they don't even charge them (neither do I...neither does my husband). 

[Bluegoat]

My son has a smartphone but no interest in social media.  Some of his schoolwork depends on his phone, however, so the idea of taking away his phone seems preposterous to me.  It's also a tool that helps him with executive functioning and allows him to have some independence with transportation.

 

I have a real issue with this needing a phone for school thing, though it seems to happen here too.  It's not like the school is providing them and they are pretty expensive, it's not like asking you to buy your kids a scribbler or even a textbook.