Parenting young teens in the social media era

[Seasider]

is exhausting.

 

That is all. Expletive embellishments considered then deleted.

[sassenach]

Yep. Based on what we learned from our oldest, we’ve decided not to allow any social media at all. Ever. They have smart phones w texting, but no web browsing and no SM apps.

Edited March 3, 2018 by Sassenach

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have my luggage that overflows with parenting regrets, but no smart phone or social media until 18 has been a regret-free decision. The elder kids, who are 17.5 to 21.5, agree. The 13yo would like a phone but has no interest in social media.

 

We opted out of the whole durn experiment.

[Liz CA]

More than once have I thought how lucky I am that ds was already an adult when this whole social media thing exploded. There was Myspace when he was a teenager but we had no clue what was to come.

It must be hard because they have so little sense of how permanent their posts and pics are and a different sense of "privacy" than we do.

 

:grouphug:

[MEmama]

My teen has no interest in social media. I don't know why. We've never made any rules regarding the Internet.

 

He dropped the only friend he's had who made BAD choices. DS doesn't give second chances with stuff like that.

Edited March 3, 2018 by MEmama

[Seasider]

Yep. Based on what we learned from our oldest, we’ve decided not to allow any social media at all. Ever. They have smart phones w texting, but no web browsing and no SM apps.

We have been trying so hard to establish a balance. But yeah, we have come to the decision that there will be no social media accounts in the near future (next couple of years anyway).

 

My biggest problem right now is the texting. If a friend has a social media account, they can take anything my kid shares in a text conversation and post it on their own social media account. Tough learning curve happening here, about both the consequences of frivolous posting and the loyalty level of friends.

 

Personally I would love to just completely pull the plug, and can actually get away with that in the short term. But in the world we live in, good habits must be formed, so we will eventually go through this again. I am hoping we can at least get past a couple of drama intense years and on a little more mature, forward-looking level before re-engaging.

 

I just can't keep stretching thin enough to keep all the bases covered, so I am taking this part of it out of the game. Huge crackdown on texting coming.

 

I guess if there's a question in this, it would be whether any of you have gone to plans that allow only a certain number of texts per month. I'm thinking one group chat blown up could teach a real lesson there! A kid should not wake up each morning to find hundreds of message notifications.

[regentrude]

 Huge crackdown on texting coming.

 

I guess if there's a question in this, it would be whether any of you have gone to plans that allow only a certain number of texts per month. I'm thinking one group chat blown up could teach a real lesson there! A kid should not wake up each morning to find hundreds of message notifications.

 

But that's how kids communicate these days. How will your kid keep in touch with her friends? 

Back in the day, parents groaned because teens spent so much time on the phone talking to friends. I wrote hundreds of letters to my friends.

Texting is just another tool. Young people always had the desire to communicate. I don't see what is wrong with having lots of messages per se. I can see concerns if there is bullying, but that is about the content , not the vehicle, of the conversation.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

i have come to the conclusion that the *vehicle* of the communication can change the content of the conversation. People say things in text/on a computer that they would never say on a phone call. And often will say things over the phone that they would never say to a persons face. Now sometimes, that can be a good thing. But it can often be a BAD thing.

 

I would add the interruption factor.  A phone call interrupts once, and generally people recognize that multi-tasking while on the phone isn't going to work great (i.e. math homework plus phone).  With texting, the interruptions can be constant, but people generally don't recognize that they break concentration just like a phone call.  

 

I don't really see an issue with texting in free time, as long as reasonable limits are set in place, like bedtimes, meal times, study times, etc, that are text-free.  This is no different than most phone call policies in families.  

 

Similarly to interrupting, texts also make people feel they can be present in multiple places at once.  But having sat across from people who are texting while "being present" at the meal, has shown me that even though texting takes "just a second", it is a huge annoyance and bother to the people you are actually with.  

 

So I guess what I'm saying is, teach texting manners!  

[Seasider]

But that's how kids communicate these days. How will your kid keep in touch with her friends?

Back in the day, parents groaned because teens spent so much time on the phone talking to friends. I wrote hundreds of letters to my friends.

Texting is just another tool. Young people always had the desire to communicate. I don't see what is wrong with having lots of messages per se. I can see concerns if there is bullying, but that is about the content , not the vehicle, of the conversation.

I would have no problem with a reasonable level of communication. In the day of the landline - which I would happily reinstitute - we weren't allowed to hang on the line 24/7, constantly with an ear to a group conversation. We saw our friends regularly and had normal face to face conversations. We are not stay at home only home schoolers, we get out A LOT. Kid sees friends very regularly, for extended periods of time.

 

I wouldn't give a stick of dynamite to a person who can't handle a firecracker. I feel like we are still in the firecracker training phase. Group texts blow up, kids are texting all night long, all through times when they're sitting in academic classes, and the responses pile in until there are hundreds of messages. My child might share something in a one-on-one conversation, then have that person share a screenshot in a 15-member group chat. It's insane.

 

I monitor but try to not be overbearing about the content. But I think it's important because I've had two instances where kids were sharing about self-harm, and someone had to be discreetly notified. I am worn out and frankly concerned that my tender-hearted kid is accepting too much emotional baggage from the constant stream of thought messaging from an age group of kids that tends to be on the dramatic side.

[mommyoffive]

Thank you ladies for saying no Social Media.   

 

I am going to do that.   If they want to use it as adults, can't stop you.   

[Jean in Newcastle]

My kids have used  social media from middle school on up and have had zero problems with it.  No regrets at all in allowing it.  (Not saying that others shouldn't make other choices but it's not the only "right parenting choice" to ban it.) 

[Arctic Bunny]

We have dodged this so far. The biggest thing had been lucking into a school that does not allow devices. Although I’m sure most kids have a phone in their backpack, they are not present throughout the day. We have an emergency cell phone for whichever kid needs to go somewhere, and I don’t think texting on a phone you share with your brother is very cool. They make arrangements with their friends either at school, using my phone to text or - gasp - call, or leaving a message on the PS4. They are only 11 and 13, so things will change, I’m sure, but neither has even mentioned their friends’ SM, etc. I am shocked and surprised, honestly, as it was definitely something I’ve been concerned about how to handle.

[sassenach]

We have been trying so hard to establish a balance. But yeah, we have come to the decision that there will be no social media accounts in the near future (next couple of years anyway).

 

My biggest problem right now is the texting. If a friend has a social media account, they can take anything my kid shares in a text conversation and post it on their own social media account. Tough learning curve happening here, about both the consequences of frivolous posting and the loyalty level of friends.

 

Personally I would love to just completely pull the plug, and can actually get away with that in the short term. But in the world we live in, good habits must be formed, so we will eventually go through this again. I am hoping we can at least get past a couple of drama intense years and on a little more mature, forward-looking level before re-engaging.

 

I just can't keep stretching thin enough to keep all the bases covered, so I am taking this part of it out of the game. Huge crackdown on texting coming.

 

I guess if there's a question in this, it would be whether any of you have gone to plans that allow only a certain number of texts per month. I'm thinking one group chat blown up could teach a real lesson there! A kid should not wake up each morning to find hundreds of message notifications.

Oh, that's a hard one. We haven't dealt with cyber bullying as much as opting out of the drama cycle. One kid has felt pretty left out of that part of the social scene, though that seems to be less of an issue currently. (I think because snap chat has recently had a decline in use, so it doesn't feel like he's missing out as much). The other one has friends whose parents are more like us so it hasn't been an issue. 

 

We're liberal with texting because it hasn't been a problem. I'm sorry that hasn't been the case for you guys.

 

 

[sassenach]

I would have no problem with a reasonable level of communication. In the day of the landline - which I would happily reinstitute - we weren't allowed to hang on the line 24/7, constantly with an ear to a group conversation. We saw our friends regularly and had normal face to face conversations. We are not stay at home only home schoolers, we get out A LOT. Kid sees friends very regularly, for extended periods of time.

 

I wouldn't give a stick of dynamite to a person who can't handle a firecracker. I feel like we are still in the firecracker training phase. Group texts blow up, kids are texting all night long, all through times when they're sitting in academic classes, and the responses pile in until there are hundreds of messages. My child might share something in a one-on-one conversation, then have that person share a screenshot in a 15-member group chat. It's insane.

 

I monitor but try to not be overbearing about the content. But I think it's important because I've had two instances where kids were sharing about self-harm, and someone had to be discreetly notified. I am worn out and frankly concerned that my tender-hearted kid is accepting too much emotional baggage from the constant stream of thought messaging from an age group of kids that tends to be on the dramatic side.

This seems almost more related to friend choices than texting itself. Maybe it's more about cutting off the texting relationship with certain kids. I agree that not all relationships are fit for the kind of constant interaction that texting involves.

 

Our kids can't have their phones on at school, during baseball/dance, during dinner, or in their bedrooms/overnight. What that leaves is the spaces in between, and my kids do text a ton during that time, but it's not a problem for us because we have clearly portioned off phone-free times.

 

And their friends are healthy (enough).

[Seasider]

This seems almost more related to friend choices than texting itself. Maybe it's more about cutting off the texting relationship with certain kids. I agree that not all relationships are fit for the kind of constant interaction that texting involves.

 

Our kids can't have their phones on at school, during baseball/dance, during dinner, or in their bedrooms/overnight. What that leaves is the spaces in between, and my kids do text a ton during that time, but it's not a problem for us because we have clearly portioned off phone-free times.

 

And their friends are healthy (enough).

Yeah, I am wondering to some degree on the friend choices, honestly wouldn't see what happened as cyber bullying but more a lack of maturity (that one particular friend is, imo, somewhat attention seeking, but not mean). It's just frustrating that in the old learning curve of peer relationships - that we've navigated with all our older kids - there's a new span with social media. I'm just stretched by it in ways I wish I weren't, kwim?

[sassenach]

Yeah, I am wondering to some degree on the friend choices, honestly wouldn't see what happened as cyber bullying but more a lack of maturity (that one particular friend is, imo, somewhat attention seeking, but not mean). It's just frustrating that in the old learning curve of peer relationships - that we've navigated with all our older kids - there's a new span with social media. I'm just stretched by it in ways I wish I weren't, kwim?

 

Totally. 

[eternalsummer]

We don't have cell phones or social media accounts, and neither do the kids.

 

They have friends.  They're just local friends, to whom they talk in person or on the phone (or, occasionally, for ones we've moved away from, in letters or email).  

[Mimm]

I gave my kids cell phones and let them get social media as young teens. 13ish. I regret it. It hasn't been a good thing in their lives. I've always thought that conversations about being safe, about making wise decisions, would be good enough. But there's a whole world out there influencing your child that you don't even see because you aren't digging through every nook and cranny of their phone.

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 11, 2018 by _______

[whitestavern]

For me the biggest issue is it's just a huge time suck. We've had no issues with cyberbullying or inappropriate content (both kids are big on sharing with me--their choice) but the amount of time spent on devices is a lot. And it's a pain to try to regulate. Both are in a school that requires everything (books, assignments etc) be on an iPad. So even if they're not on a phone or computer they're on that. DD is a senior so off to college this fall. I'm not going to regulate her. It would be easier if it was just a phone call like in the old days. You tell them they're off and they're off. Now you tell them get off the computer and 10 minutes later you find them in their room on their phone. It's exhausting.

 

ETA: We live in a small town. Kids go to school in another town, which draws from a 25 mile radius. We don't have any other kids that live near us. Only a couple of other kids in our town even go to their school. So socially, the way they keep in touch is by texting. Not having that capability would have hindered social connections, which is why we gave phones to them in the first place. We did wait as long as possible... until high school.

Edited March 3, 2018 by whitestavern

[Seasider]

I gave my kids cell phones and let them get social media as young teens. 13ish. I regret it. It hasn't been a good thing in their lives. I've always thought that conversations about being safe, about making wise decisions, would be good enough. But there's a whole world out there influencing your child that you don't even see because you aren't digging through every nook and cranny of their phone.

Thank you for sharing this. I used to feel guilty about possibly invading privacy but have learned to stop feeling bad. This is my child, and I am still actively parenting.

[Seasider]

Yeah, see, in a really big city, where we are, it's been impossible to give ds daily in person contact with his friends, some of whom live hours away on public transport. And kids in our city don't phone each other. Idk why, they just don't. It's social media or school, for ds' mental health - and honestly? On a cost-benefit analysis, sm wins.

 

My girls used to do the letter thing, but again, there's a big gap between what kids were doing ten years ago, and how teens are communicating now.

 

I absolutely do not judge those who avoid social media. I would like social media to go away, and for teens these days to pick up the landline and call instead, or for us to live close enough to friends that they can walk to each other's houses every day, just like I did when I was a teen.

 

It's complicated.

I get this, Sadie. Isolation can be emotionally harmful to many personality types. My oldest would have been just fine. A couple of my others would have suffered without social connections. We have been fortunate to have proximity to irl fellowship. I realize that's not the same for everyone.

 

We do the best we can wherever we find ourselves, right?

[Garga]

Hmm..

 

As far as I know, we don't have problems with social media.  But maybe Mom is the last to know.  

 

If you haven't just taken SM away entirely, what are you doing to monitor what's going on?  

[Seasider]

 

In 2o minute I am going to a seminar by Ann Steel, a national expert on this very topic. She is presenting to our whole parish. She no longer does private practice, but she was the counselor who helped our family out of the pit dug by technology.

 

Here is the invite I sent to some people I hope will come. Edited to make it purple.

 

I hope you can find time to come to this meeting with Ann. She was instrumental (as were people in this parish) in helping us understand and deal with technology issues in our family. What we found is that although as parents, we “did everything right†(we did), it wasn’t enough and we got caught.

We are living in a world that is beyond our historical understanding, and the millennials and those younger are the canaries in the uncharted coal mines. (If you do not understand the canary/coal mine analogy, check at the bottom of this email.)

Yes, I care a lot about this. If you got this email from me, you know why I am. If you have kids you care about, if you want to be able to come alongside others who are struggling with technology issues (their own or of loved ones), if you want to understand the issues around technology better, please come. One young mother of children under the age of 5 has told me that she faces criticism from her friends for “depriving†her children of iPads and so on…and I’ll bet she is not alone. We need the information that Ann can provide so we know how to stay tech-healthy.

Ann is a terrific speaker, and she will give you a lot of ideas and information that will provide clarity and ballast for decisions we need to make for ourselves and for our family. She is not scare-mongering, but providing data and help.

It is interesting to me that it is the millennials who are developing technologies to help deal with … (wait for it) ... technology. They have seen their own youth stripped away from them and they don’t want it to happen to others. There’s some pretty great stuff happening out there…it’s not all doom and gloom.

Thank you for your consideration in reading this mail. I really hope you can make it on Saturday.

Your friend,

Patty Joanna

Re: canary in the coal mine: To make sure that they were not about to enter a coal mine containing deadly gasses, miners would send in a canary first. If the canary died from gas poisoning, they knew they could not enter the mine. Too many of our children (and some elders) are being lost as canaries in the technology mines.

Wow! I wish I we're there to attend!!!

 

Does she have published materials? I would love to learn more about what she speaks to. Any link appreciated.

 

Party Joanna, I am sorry that you've had to suffer to come to this point. But I am grateful for your voice on this issue.

[Mimm]

I hear you. Fwiw, dd20 didn't have any access to social media till she was 17, only saw friends IRL, spoke on the phone or wrote letters, and the same influences were out there waiting. Some of our kids are more susceptible than others, I guess. So you can do everything 'right', and still have things turn out wrong. Don't be hard on yourself.

 

Thank you. I agree that some kids are very much more susceptible to these influences.

[Bluegoat]

Yeah, I've let dd13 get instagram recently, and I would love to get rid of it.  I don't see it as being entirely similar to the phone in days gone by.  For one thing, with a phone you generally had to share with other members of the household, and at the least they could hear it when it rang.  Texting doesn't seem to be like that, it seems to be extremely easy to text without parents knowing and so difficult to set limits.  And the conversational content seems to be fairly different, at least for girls.  I also notice dd has a hard time ignoring something like a text - she actually feels compelled to answer.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

My teens use smart phones and sm to communicate. In our area, it’s just how kids keep in contact. They don’t really use sm other than to message friends. They rarely post themselves.

 

I do have unlimited access, if I want it. I don’t check on the oldest anymore, he’s 18. Youngest is 15 and I check less often than I used to but I can if needed.

 

We’ve had discussions for years now about internet safety and what is appropriate.

 

We haven’t run into cyber bullying yet, although a friend did which prompted more discussion.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

is exhausting.

 

That is all. Expletive embellishments considered then deleted.

 

It is, it’s a 24/7 thing now. Even for kids who done regularly use it. Hugs for you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yeah, I am wondering to some degree on the friend choices, honestly wouldn't see what happened as cyber bullying but more a lack of maturity (that one particular friend is, imo, somewhat attention seeking, but not mean). It's just frustrating that in the old learning curve of peer relationships - that we've navigated with all our older kids - there's a new span with social media. I'm just stretched by it in ways I wish I weren't, kwim?

 

I do think that friend choices is huge.  Both my kids hung out/ hang out with friends who are much older and more mature.  Dd had two friends who were bullies - one in real life and not on social media who is now not a friend any more and one on SM who dd dropped as soon as she turned from being a supportive friend to being mean.  I know these friends - even some of ds' online friends have asked to talk to me in games or have attended my teen Sunday school classes via Skype - and while I understand that anyone can make bad choices, I trust that these particular kids are using SM appropriately to hang out, to share cat videos (or weird sea creature videos in the case of my ds and his gamer friends ;) ) and other innocuous things (from my perspective).  It is a time suck at times but as long as my kids get studies, work and volunteering responsibilities done, I don't care.  I don't see it as any different than using the time to watch tv or to go to movies or to hang out at the mall like we did when we were young. 

[Guest]

Yeah, see, in a really big city, where we are, it's been impossible to give ds daily in person contact with his friends, some of whom live hours away on public transport. And kids in our city don't phone each other. Idk why, they just don't. It's social media or school, for ds' mental health - and honestly? On a cost-benefit analysis, sm wins.

 

My girls used to do the letter thing, but again, there's a big gap between what kids were doing ten years ago, and how teens are communicating now.

 

I absolutely do not judge those who avoid social media. I would like social media to go away, and for teens these days to pick up the landline and call instead, or for us to live close enough to friends that they can walk to each other's houses every day, just like I did when I was a teen.

 

It's complicated.

I agree - it is complicated.

 

Where I live, teens in the homeschooling community can kind of get by without social media because it’s more common for hs parents to delay or prohibit smart phones and/or social media. However, once my kids began B&M school (9th grade), it would have been intensely out-of-step with the culture to not have a smart phone and/or at least be on SM. Like, it is literally right up there with being the only girl at school in 1978 whose mother insisted she wear a dress every day.

 

Teens now communicate through texting and using SM. I delay this as long as possible, but I see the future and it includes social media. 😠My youngest is 13 and is still homeschooled. At present, he has an ipod he can text through (but no internal data) and no SM accounts yet; he does not feel the need for it. But I expect he will want one by 9th grade. Amongst his non-homeschooled friends, he is the only one who does not have a smartphone. Most of them have fancier phones than mine!

[Farrar]

It is incredibly socially limiting for my kids not to text their friends. I am simply not willing to do it. We already homeschool thus they don't see their friends daily. No one makes phone calls anymore. I do not think it's healthy to cut them off socially in this way.

 

If we had an issue with it, then we'd put limits on it, just like back in the day if a teen was on the phone all the time, you might get grounded from it for awhile or have the time limited or something. Ds did lose his phone for a day for using it when he wasn't supposed to (checking it during a meeting) and I also cut his data when he went over his limit, though I know exactly how he went over - he's on there watching gaming videos on the bus and then during the hour after class when he waits for his brother, so that's not social media. But I just don't feel like I can bury my head in the sand on this one. It would be too cruel to my kids.

 

It's a different landscape than even five years ago.

[Bambam]

I have two - one in college and one in high school. Oldest wasn't that interested in social media/texting/etc until she went to college and that pretty much is how the kids communicate. She was rarely on her phone before she left and actually was not happy about getting a smart phone. I pushed it as she is geographically challenged and she needed a GPS device to tell her how to go.  My high schooler uses social media (FB only) and texts and messages her friends. Everyone probably lives in a 45 minute radius - but texting/messenging allows them to maintain some loose contact. We haven't had any drama, but her friend group is pretty small and most all the parents are pretty much in the same general parenting mode. We've seen no friend drama - but we have watched it happen with distant 'friends' (inappropriate posting, vague booking, questionable photos (not content but from a wisdom standpoint) - and we have talked about those and what it looks like to others - both now if they don't really know the person - and what it will look like later. 

 

I understand the desire to not participate in SM, but I don't see that as being realistic in our local world. I'd rather mine learn and be guided by me while at home and hopefully use discernment and wisdom once they leave. It appears to be working for us so far (that and pretty selective/restriction policies on your SM friends on the parent's part). Come back in three years - and we may have changed our attitudes!

[LucyStoner]

My son has a smartphone but no interest in social media.  Some of his schoolwork depends on his phone, however, so the idea of taking away his phone seems preposterous to me.  It's also a tool that helps him with executive functioning and allows him to have some independence with transportation.

 

 

 

 

[teachermom2834]

I am searching for balance on this issue, always. On one hand, I really don't want to completely separate my dc from their culture and this is most definitely their social culture. On the other hand, it just is more than most kids (obviously not all) can handle.

 

I have chosen to delay, delay, delay as long as possible without being overly restrictive. My current 15 yo did come to need a way to be in touch with me. He has an old flip phone. He does text on it but obviously it is not as convenient as a smartphone or even a dumb phone with a keyboard. But he does text on it so he isn't completely cut off. A smart phone will come when there is a need. There will come a time when he needs apps or better ability to group message or google maps or whatever and then he'll have one. But I will drag it out and delay it. And then it will be locked down as far as social media goes. But he will eventually have that too. I really feel like every month, year their brains can grow and they can mature without it the better off they are. So we'll keep delaying as long as possible or as long as seems reasonable. My older kids had them around 15-16 but they had iPods younger which was just as big of an issue. I'm not making that mistake again.

 

We have had the kids put their phones up at bedtime until they graduate high school. That has helped. They need to sleep and nothing good happens after midnight tends to apply to phones as well.

 

I originally tried to monitor more than I do now. While I reserve the right to access their phones I really didn't like the dynamic of constantly checking their phones. And there are a zillion messaging apps and I couldn't keep up if I tried. I'd rather wait until they are older and then be more hands off. I think if one allows their kids to have these phones they need to accept that there is no way to monitor 100% and accept that they won't know everything their kid does on there. For that matter, a lot of kids have phones or iPods their parents don't even know about. But I don't feel like I should or want to know everything about my older teens.

 

It's a hard thing. But like everything else in parenting we are feeling our way and trying to find balance. We make mistakes. The kids make mistakes. We brush ourselves off and learn from it and move forward.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree - it is complicated.

 

Where I live, teens in the homeschooling community can kind of get by without social media because it’s more common for hs parents to delay or prohibit smart phones and/or social media. However, once my kids began B&M school (9th grade), it would have been intensely out-of-step with the culture to not have a smart phone and/or at least be on SM. Like, it is literally right up there with being the only girl at school in 1978 whose mother insisted she wear a dress every day.

 

Teens now communicate through texting and using SM. I delay this as long as possible, but I see the future and it includes social media. 😠My youngest is 13 and is still homeschooled. At present, he has an ipod he can text through (but no internal data) and no SM accounts yet; he does not feel the need for it. But I expect he will want one by 9th grade. Amongst his non-homeschooled friends, he is the only one who does not have a smartphone. Most of them have fancier phones than mine!

 

I will say that I would not send a kid to public school without a phone and the ability to text with his friends, any more than I'd send him in horribly unfashionable clothes, or forbidden from popular music and movies. I don't mind creating a very alternative lifestyle, but I don't put my kids into mainstream settings without the tools to blend in and navigate.

 

As homeschoolers whose friends were too busy for a lot of texting, or whose friends also had parental or self imposed restrictions on endless texting, my boys did not feel too isolated by their dumb phones with limited texting.

[regentrude]

 But social media... ugh. Just ugh.

 

you realize that you ARE using social media by being on this board?

Edited March 4, 2018 by regentrude

[Mimm]

you realize that you ARE using social media by being on this board?

 

With a bunch of adults in a moderated setting where bullying isn't allow. Also, unless I haven't been invited to the right social groups, I don't think anyone is sharing topless selfies. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thinking about this thread, I realized that we did ease into it. Not out of fear. Just because we didn’t have the money or need for some communication tools until my kids were a bit older.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AmandaVT]

I plan on holding off on social media as long as possible - hopefully until 16 or so. DH is a therapist and most of our friends are currently therapists and school psychologists. I've heard too many horror stories from all of them. Through all socioeconomic areas here, all types of kids, bullying, and sexting are everywhere on social media. 

 

"No, you won't send me a nude? I'll find one online and tell everyone in school it's you anyway"

 

These friends and DH are all level headed people who enjoy technology themselves and the biggest advice I've gotten from them is to hold off. So I'm holding. 

[Farrar]

If it worked for anyone here to strongly limit access to text or social media, then that's great. Really. But also, it really is such a different landscape even than five years ago.

 

We went through no less than four "dumb" phones before giving in and buying smart phones and I haven't regretted it. The dumb ones were all so low quality they died really fast. The quality wasn't reliable enough that I wanted to research and try again. My kids having phones - because they take public transit around the city - is really not negotiable at this point.

[Guest]

With a bunch of adults in a moderated setting where bullying isn't allow. Also, unless I haven't been invited to the right social groups, I don't think anyone is sharing topless selfies. ;)

You haven’t been invited to the Clothing Optional Social Group?

 

😄

[Peaceseeker]

This is a timely post because my 14 year old just started asking about a phone. We have done a dumb phone for activities for the last couple of years. I asked her about social media but she said she is not interested in that right now. I don't think any of her home school friends are on any SM yet. I think she mostly wants to text and listen to music. She is always swiping our phones to walk around with headphones in.

 

Part of me worries about the change but I just really feel these few teen years she has at home are for learning how to fly while I am still in the cockpit. I dislike the idea of waiting until she is 18 and then everything hitting at once. I have seen quite a few 'homeschoolers gone wild' when they turn 18 around here. There are a lot of very strict families in our circle and I am not seeing great results from all that cracking down and control honestly. I have decided to take a different approach and trust my kid and give guidelines and rules and pray. Lots of praying. And talk with my kid about all of it. Lots of talking.

 

Reading this thread may be making my anxiety worse now though. No one wants to make the wrong decisions for our children. But there was no manual on this stuff. And they live in such a different world. I think we are just going to have to navigate it together as a family and hope for the best.

[Tanaqui]

"No, you won't send me a nude? I'll find one online and tell everyone in school it's you anyway"

 

And if they're going to do that, they could do it even if it was "You're not online? LOL, whatever, I'll find one online and tell everyone in school it's you anyway".

Or they could do it without the pretext of the conversation first, for that matter.

[SanDiegoMom]

It really is dependent on the friends, imo. My oldest dd got a smart phone when she was 13 or 14, and my youngest at 12 have them. They don't use social media at all - even my oldest only uses it to keep up with meetings on campus, dorm meetings, etc. She uses her phone for music, videos, texting and facetiming her friends. And definitely gps, because she is severely directionally challenged and gets lost so easily! My yougers use it for facetiming their friends while playing minecraft, and my younger daughter even plays with Legos with a friend over FaceTime! I would never dream of taking away their method of communication. Their closest friends, all of them, live far away but stay close because of texting and facetiming.

 

Now my oldest did go out recently with some girls who spent the whole time taking selfies and posting them on instagram. She was bored to death and said she won't be going out with them again.

[fairfarmhand]

My kids use social media and they’re fine.

 

My oldest dd has a terrible learning curve with the smart phone. You know it’s bad form to check your email on your phone while mom is mid lecture right???

The phone was replaced by a tracfone with limited texts and that helped.

But now at 20 she seems to moderate it well.

 

 

Ironically it’s been grandparents who are the bad example. One will ignore whole conversations even though we came 4 hours to visit in exchange for the text that just came in. The other is obsessed with Facebook. Spends hours a day checking it out.

 

My kids, being on the receiving end of this. Don’t appreciate it. Particularly if they behaved that way on a visit their phone would be gone for a long time. We talk a lot about being present for those around you.

 

 

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[Pawz4me]

Ironically it’s been grandparents who are the bad example. One will ignore whole conversations even though we came 4 hours to visit in exchange for the text that just came in. The other is obsessed with Facebook. Spends hours a day checking it out.

 

We've noticed the same thing. DH's sister-in-law, who is in her early 60's, is positively glued to her phone.

 

At our family Christmas gathering his sister (53) and mother (82) spent a huge amount of time taking stupid pictures of themselves to post on . . . something.. 

 

Meanwhile the younger set (19-early 30's) were actually spending the time talking to each other. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I asked dd16 last night if she had ever had any cyber bullying or anyone suggest or try posting anything inappropriate. She snorted and said “is this question because of something you read on your board? My friends aren’t into that, Mom. That stuff is stupid..â€.

 

 

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[MEmama]

We've noticed the same thing. DH's sister-in-law, who is in her early 60's, is positively glued to her phone.

 

At our family Christmas gathering his sister (53) and mother (82) spent a huge amount of time taking stupid pictures of themselves to post on . . . something..

 

Meanwhile the younger set (19-early 30's) were actually spending the time talking to each other.

We've had the same experience that both my parents and in laws are glued to their devices. Both sets have to travel cross country to visit and we have to seriously work to get them away from their screens. It sends a strong message to the only grandchild, that's for sure.

[Tanaqui]

I wonder if some of you have time to convert your homes to Faraday cages before the next grandparental visit....

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds (now 20) had a computer gaming problem when he was 13. It had nothing to do with SM. His brain couldn’t handle some of the chemicals released by first person shooter games. It simultaneously made him rage and be addicted. We went cold turkey on those types of games for two years (but not other computer uses). Then as his brain matured, he was able to reintroduce them.

 

He likes to game but he and his friends spend hours talking about music, books, history, philosophy,God, science..... If there are sticky subjects or the rare drama (things like suicide or cutting have come up ) they ask for my input. I have no problem with these things coming up. They are real life problems that young people deal with.

 

I’m glad that they ask for my involvement and input though. It’s why I have spent hours playing Runescape and other games getting to know these young people. (Actually on Runescape I have had complete strangers tell me their problems once they find out that I am a mom and finally get over their shock. ). I don’t play those games now but when ds was reintroduced to gaming I spent a lot of time gaming with him. It was important to him just like telling me all about legos or Star Wars was important to him when he was little.

 

 

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