Ideas for transitioning back from bio-parents visitation....rough night.

[Tap]

Today was dd11s first official unstructured visitation with her biodad since June.  He had been having her for the whole weekend for over a year, but things went bad and I cut off his access to her.  

 

He agreed to my terms to restart visitation (revolved around him attending family therapy with her).  He came to a family birthday dinner for her in October, then had her for 2.5 hours at Christmas.  ETA: They also had two 30 minute sessions in the therapists office, in the past month. Today was the start of the New Year with every other week,  6 hour visits.  

 

I had forgot how horrible the transitions back home were.  ACK!!!  Her behavior has been so much better with not seeing him, and tonight she just flipped out and was throwing a classic fit (when she got home), like she used to.  

I need a way to deal with this. I want her to see him and this is our issue, not his.  I just need to figure out how to make it go smoother. 

 

Any ideas? She is 11 but developmentally about 6 in some areas.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Tap

[OneStepAtATime]

Huge hugs. Is there a specific reason you want her to see him? Is it required? Is she asking? Is he?

 

I ask because that might affect how I would approach the situation.

Edited January 15, 2018 by OneStepAtATime

[Tap]

Is there a specific reason you want her to see him? Is it required? Is she asking? Is he?

They both want to.  They have a good bond.

 

She is extremely difficult to parent (autism/DMDD) and he was raised by a mom with mental illness and addiction.   He didn't have good role modeling to base his parenting on and his instinct is to use shame and over-punish to discourage bad behavior.

 

I want them to continue to see eachother, but only with therapy to help guide him in his parenting.  The therapist agreed that it was an appropriate time to restart visits, and specifically wants them to occur on the weeks that she sees them ( he goes to therapy every other week visit).  That way if there are any issues that come up, they can be talked about in therapy within a couple of days of them happening, not waiting 2 weeks to try to remember. 

[Ailaena]

 

The behaviour is from emotions she cannot express or contain. Dd only received sporadic phone calls but she was wrecked for about a week afterwards. I tried really hard to be present and loving and patient, which I’m sure you are, so I wasn’t very helpful. But I really wanted to commiserate since I know how hard it is :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

I've no idea. I have plenty of sympathy though. My dd's issues are nothing near as bad as your dd's but, well, I have plenty of sympathy.

 

 

It's kind of like you need to trigger the meltdown to get it over and done with.  :crying:

[Tap]

I've no idea. I have plenty of sympathy though. My dd's issues are nothing near as bad as your dd's but, well, I have plenty of sympathy.

 

 

It's kind of like you need to trigger the meltdown to get it over and done with.  :crying:

We use the term "going up and over".  We used to have to do that a lot.  Otherwise she is like a percolating coffee pot, and her angst just bubbles up and then goes down... just to bubble up again 5 minutes later.  Sometimes we had to do things to intentionally make her madder, so she could get mad and then once she had the release, she could finally calm down.   It was hard to not try to comfort her to try to make things better, but it would honestly just make things more drawn out. 

 

Your such a sweetie, and it is so hard to have to use that style of parenting. I feel sad that you have to use it too. 

[Tap]

The behaviour is from emotions she cannot express or contain. Dd only received sporadic phone calls but she was wrecked for about a week afterwards. I tried really hard to be present and loving and patient, which I’m sure you are, so I wasn’t very helpful. But I really wanted to commiserate since I know how hard it is :grouphug:

It is hard.

 

((Hugs for you too))

 

My neighbor calls it her daughters "DADitude".  He daughter sees her dad 2x per week.  She is thinking about changing it to a rotating week on/week off because dealing with the DADitude twice a week when the daughter transitions back to mom's house,  is getting to be too much.   

[Rosie_0801]

The only aspects I seem to have any control over is checking she has had protein and water. They don't stop it, but will reduce the, oh I don't even know how to explain but you'll understand the phenomenon. The severity of the trigger from nothing is enough to trigger to it actually requiring something to trigger. That may not sound like any benefit to bystanders here, but it does reduce the amount of meltdowns she needs. I can send her to use meditation techniques to calm down afterwards, but they don't prevent it because of your coffee perculator reasons. Otherwise, teaching her about trauma helps. Not in the moment, but it helps with the clean up. Sometimes I can use pictures to help her express herself, but mainly it's the "same old, same old" here.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think there is anything we can do to prevent it because we're not the cause. It's a trauma reaction.

[JustEm]

Do you talk with her about it prior to her going to visit? Like a reminder that she is loved, safe, and will be heard when she returns. My dd is 7 and has meltdowns triggered by certain things like bdays and after seeing certain people. When I know these things are coming up we spend a few days leading up talking about her feelings about it. Asking if she has any fears, worries, concerns. I also talk about how she often behaves because of these events and we try to think of ideas to prevent it, I let her make the suggestions or give me permission to suggest something.

 

We still have meltdowns almost every time but they are never nearly as intense as when we don't have those talks.

[Tanaqui]

I can't give advice in this situation, but that sounds really rough, for all of you. *hugs*

[Pegs]

I almost posted this thread earlier today!

 

My ASD kid just spent the weekend with his dad and he was a wreck this morning. He picked a battle, and I tried not to enter into to much conversation over it, then he pulled himself together so that he could attend a circus class with his best friend. Um. Okay, great!

 

I'm nodding along to all the references to just getting the meltdown over with.

[Melissa in Australia]

I absolutely hate accessvisits. Personally I don't see any benefit for my children. It is all benefit for the birth parents. The twins are a mess for weeks afterwards. It is psychological abuse.

[Ottakee]

Could dad have visits at your house and do things as part of your family? I am sure the 6 hour break is golden but the re-entry is so tough.

[ktgrok]

We use the term "going up and over".  We used to have to do that a lot.  Otherwise she is like a percolating coffee pot, and her angst just bubbles up and then goes down... just to bubble up again 5 minutes later.  Sometimes we had to do things to intentionally make her madder, so she could get mad and then once she had the release, she could finally calm down.   It was hard to not try to comfort her to try to make things better, but it would honestly just make things more drawn out. 

 

Your such a sweetie, and it is so hard to have to use that style of parenting. I feel sad that you have to use it too. 

 

Ugh, I get this. Wish I didn't. Thankfully, as a sort of adult now, my teen can now deal better. And is verbally able to understand me now when I say, "you are just trying to pick a fight. I'm not doing that."

 

But that's what it always was. Trying to start a fight. Testing , maybe, to see that we still love them, even when they are hard to love? I don't know. I do know that the usual stuff helped a bit - making sure to keep blood sugar up (ESPECIALLY since dad wasn't good about a healthy diet while there), and enough downtime. Honestly, I learned to have something to eat/drink ready and let him watch TV by himself in a dark room for an hour or so after visits (or anything else stressful, including school when he attended). He needed that quiet down time to just veg out. 

 

If you pick her up in the car, maybe having a smoothie or juice and snack in the car, and an audio book or favorite music to listen to, rather than trying to talk. I realized that car ride was NOT the time for conversation. Or if he drops her  off at your house then have a snack and a quiet room with a movie or something. Then bath maybe. 

 

Hugs. 

[Seasider]

They both want to. They have a good bond.

 

She is extremely difficult to parent (autism/DMDD) and he was raised by a mom with mental illness and addiction. He didn't have good role modeling to base his parenting on and his instinct is to use shame and over-punish to discourage bad behavior.

 

I want them to continue to see eachother, but only with therapy to help guide him in his parenting. The therapist agreed that it was an appropriate time to restart visits, and specifically wants them to occur on the weeks that she sees them ( he goes to therapy every other week visit). That way if there are any issues that come up, they can be talked about in therapy within a couple of days of them happening, not waiting 2 weeks to try to remember.

I understand. However, how do you balance the fact that in his learning curve, he still inflicts damage?

 

I am sorry I cannot offer any real solutions, as I have not walked this road, but I admire your care for this child and her father.

[PeterPan]

We use the term "going up and over".  We used to have to do that a lot.  Otherwise she is like a percolating coffee pot, and her angst just bubbles up and then goes down... just to bubble up again 5 minutes later.  Sometimes we had to do things to intentionally make her madder, so she could get mad and then once she had the release, she could finally calm down.   It was hard to not try to comfort her to try to make things better, but it would honestly just make things more drawn out. 

 

Your such a sweetie, and it is so hard to have to use that style of parenting. I feel sad that you have to use it too. 

 

Ottakee's suggestion of having biodad over to your house would help with the transitions aspect. For the emotional release, you might ask the counselor or an OT for safer ways. For me, weight activities do that. They kick in that sensory and you go oh THAT'S what I'm feeling. So something intense enough that she can FEEL it and reconnect with how she feels. There are counselors doing TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) with ASD kids, and same gig. It's a very intense sensory experience that helps release some of that. You could just have a routine, like we see biodad then we take an hour and go do some TRE. There are therapists trained in it, or you can google and find how to do it yourself.

[Acadie]

I like the ideas about having protein and a drink in the car (or waiting at the table if he drops her off). 

 

Would it help to set aside time to decompress and give her a limited choice about what she does for a few hours after she returns? Maybe 3 choices, some combination of calming, distraction, or possibly physical stimulation or exertion if that could help her get through the meltdown energy? (I know amping up would make things worse for some kids). Swimming, a bath, TV, music, a walk, swinging, painting....whatever helps her resettle herself, that she could either look forward to or choose in the moment. Some kind of ritual that tells her you're back in the place where you are heard and your emotional and physical needs are met. If you find something that helps, repeat it every time unless she gets sick of it. 

 

Would she be able to help you brainstorm a list of options? I like the book Coping Skills for Kids Workbook by Janine Halloran. She divides coping skills into Calming, Distraction, Physical and Processing Coping Skills.

 

Amy

 

 

[Spryte]

We deal with this, as well, but our visits are in our home (though they may last 6 hours, sometimes more).  We've never done overnights with birthparents, unless they are staying with us, or going on vacation with our family.  The kids still feel it afterward, and there are tears and meltdowns.  It's changed now that (one of the kids) is older, and more able to talk about it.  Less meltdown, more angst and tears.  

 

Talking in advance seems to help, and we learned that from a family therapist re: the back and forth my SS had to do.  He always left/came home a mess, those transitions were really tough.  We tried to go to a week on/week off as your neighbor hopes, but could never work it out.  We switched every darn day of that kid's life, except for vacations.  Poor kid.  He still feels it, as an adult.  But that's another story, for another day.  I hope your neighbor is successful!

 

Editing to clarify that DSS's situation was different, being in a shared custody situation.  DS and DD's birthparents are a different scenario, and we try to maintain contact because we feel it's best for them.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Spryte

[Tap]

Could dad have visits at your house and do things as part of your family? I am sure the 6 hour break is golden but the re-entry is so tough.

I have maintained a firm rule that he is not allowed at our house to provide a clear "do not cross' line in the sand.  I don't want him showing up at our house if I limit visitations or to try to come by the neighborhood to contact her.  We live in  a neighborhood of about 100 homes with only one way in, so there is no way he would be here for any reason other than seeing her. I don't want him to feel like he is part of Our lives.  I am okay with her visiting temporarily in his life . LOL 

[OneStepAtATime]

Is it possible during this attempt to reincorporate bio visits again to start very, very slowly in limited fashion and ONLY with a trained professional in the home or a neutral setting with the two of them at first, maybe in a controlled environment, to help him and her to interact in a more positive, healing fashion?  In other words, have someone trained in this type of thing sitting with them and helping them learn healthier ways to deal with and build up the relationship?  In shorter increments?  Instead of just them alone trying to navigate these waters without intentional immediate support?

[Tap]

I understand. However, how do you balance the fact that in his learning curve, he still inflicts damage?

 

I am sorry I cannot offer any real solutions, as I have not walked this road, but I admire your care for this child and her father.

That is why I insisted on the family therapy.  Their relationship deserves a chance, but also had to change from what it was previously.  By requiring him to participate in family therapy with her, the therapist can hopefully offer him some insight in how his own upbringing is affecting his relationship with his daughter.  

 

I am not legally bound to give him visitations per our agreement. So, if he wants to see her, he has to do it on my terms. 

[PeterPan]

What about a public place she goes to anyway that isn't really his life? Like a roller skating rink or a restaurant...

[OneStepAtATime]

Ugh, I get this. Wish I didn't. Thankfully, as a sort of adult now, my teen can now deal better. And is verbally able to understand me now when I say, "you are just trying to pick a fight. I'm not doing that."

 

But that's what it always was. Trying to start a fight. Testing , maybe, to see that we still love them, even when they are hard to love? I don't know. I do know that the usual stuff helped a bit - making sure to keep blood sugar up (ESPECIALLY since dad wasn't good about a healthy diet while there), and enough downtime. Honestly, I learned to have something to eat/drink ready and let him watch TV by himself in a dark room for an hour or so after visits (or anything else stressful, including school when he attended). He needed that quiet down time to just veg out. 

 

If you pick her up in the car, maybe having a smoothie or juice and snack in the car, and an audio book or favorite music to listen to, rather than trying to talk. I realized that car ride was NOT the time for conversation. Or if he drops her  off at your house then have a snack and a quiet room with a movie or something. Then bath maybe. 

 

Hugs. 

This helped DD when she was under tremendous emotional stress.  Although the situations were not exactly the same, in a way they were.  She did not feel safe, there was a lot of emotional damage already, she had continuing enormous emotional strain going on in her young, inexperienced brain that she just did not have a way to easily process so she needed space, food, downtime to detox.  She would also swing a lot.  Swinging helped.  It still does.

[Tap]

Is it possible during this attempt to reincorporate bio visits again to start very, very slowly in limited fashion and ONLY with a trained professional in the home or a neutral setting with the two of them at first, maybe in a controlled environment, to help him and her to interact in a more positive, healing fashion?  In other words, have someone trained in this type of thing sitting with them and helping them learn healthier ways to deal with and build up the relationship?  In shorter increments?  Instead of just them alone trying to navigate these waters without intentional immediate support?

He did have two sessions in the therapists office with her.  Sorry, i forgot to mention that.  The therapist actually wants them to have a longer time together so they can have some issues to work on in therapy. She knows there will be a honeymoon period and we are working through that now. 

 

The bigger problem right now is transitioning her back home.  He is being on his best behavior and spent the day actually doing things with her at their visit.  They went bowling and to the pet store, out to lunch, etc.  He used to just sit on the couch and check out, playing video games.  Their visit was good.......coming home......not so good.  Going from having a day when you get pretty much everything you want and have constant fun, makes coming back home a bit of a let down. 

[Spryte]

He did have two sessions in the therapists office with her.  Sorry, i forgot to mention that.  The therapist actually wants them to have a longer time together so they can have some issues to work on in therapy. She knows there will be a honeymoon period and we are working through that now. 

 

The bigger problem right now is transitioning her back home.  He is being on his best behavior and spent the day actually doing things with her at their visit.  They went bowling and to the pet store, out to lunch, etc.  He used to just sit on the couch and check out, playing video games.  Their visit was good.......coming home......not so good.  Going from having a day when you get pretty much everything you want and have constant fun, makes coming back home a bit of a let down. 

 

I remember those days.  So hard.

[Pen]

My dc is not having in person visits with his bio-dad.  They do talk on phone and even that has its similar but different during and after-effects (though a lot less so).

 

Mine tends to need the decompression, not amping up.  Walks. Nature.

 

Mine does not have ASD component, but there is a lot of PTSD.   I think visitations with bio-parents are likely to be PTSD triggers and add  PTSD also, since even if they go well they are still reminders that all is not "normal."  

 

My ds had some talk and play and art types of therapy with some CBT when younger.  

 

I have been looking into EMDR.

[MedicMom]

I understand. However, how do you balance the fact that in his learning curve, he still inflicts damage?

 

I am sorry I cannot offer any real solutions, as I have not walked this road, but I admire your care for this child and her father.

I don’t have much to offer—but I have a child who is also extremely hard to parent with mental health issues. My husband had great role modeling in parenting growing up, and he still does the same thing(shame, over punish). It sounds like bio dad does truly want to be a part of her life, and I think family counseling for them would be good. Are there any parent to parent or peer parent groups that might have someone with difficult parenting experience who can come along side him and help a bit?

[PeterPan]

He did have two sessions in the therapists office with her.  Sorry, i forgot to mention that.  The therapist actually wants them to have a longer time together so they can have some issues to work on in therapy. She knows there will be a honeymoon period and we are working through that now. 

 

The bigger problem right now is transitioning her back home.  He is being on his best behavior and spent the day actually doing things with her at their visit.  They went bowling and to the pet store, out to lunch, etc.  He used to just sit on the couch and check out, playing video games.  Their visit was good.......coming home......not so good.  Going from having a day when you get pretty much everything you want and have constant fun, makes coming back home a bit of a let down. 

 

Actually you've identified what the problem is. She's going from a situation of low demands, where she does anything she wants, back to a situation where she has to comply and deal with demands, and it's confusing and hard! My ds has behaviors with that too, and he's NOT dealing with extra baggage. It's an autism thing.

 

So challenge him to be a REAL parent and make demands. He needs to do something she doesn't WANT to do or something she'll like but that involves complying. And it can look really sneaky fun, but he needs to make demands. My dh was struggling with this, because it was easier for him to do things in ds' area of preferred interest and not make demands. He'd have ds for 3-4 hours while I'd go do this or that, and I'd come back to a really destabilized boy who couldn't comply, wasn't connected. And dh was like what's the problem, he's fine with me! 

 

So now I tell dh upfront, you've GOT to make demands and do some heavy-lifting. It's part of parenting. So they'll do an activity together that has steps where ds has to comply. Or they'll do things like word searches or crosswords together, that are really connected. And what her biodad finds will be specific to him. Can they cook together? Making cookies is a good way, because you're going to have steps and orders and compliance. If he likes building models, they could build a model together. Anything where he's giving instructions and she's doing it. Doesn't even have to be the whole time, just 30-45 minutes out of the 3-4 hours. It will be enough to get her brain in gear. 

Edited January 15, 2018 by PeterPan

[Tap]

I don’t have much to offer—but I have a child who is also extremely hard to parent with mental health issues. My husband had great role modeling in parenting growing up, and he still does the same thing(shame, over punish). It sounds like bio dad does truly want to be a part of her life, and I think family counseling for them would be good. Are there any parent to parent or peer parent groups that might have someone with difficult parenting experience who can come along side him and help a bit?

That would be  nice, but at this point he doesn't think he does anything wrong.  He publically shamed her last year and thinks her behavioral issues are due to our parenting, not her mental health issues.  The therapist says he is very hostile towards me (I already knew this) and not really willing to do much real work yet.  We are hoping that with some time, and some therapy, that he can start to see that there is some wiggle room in his parenting style. LOL

 

His mom has diagnosed Schizophrenia (not a diagnosis doctors just throw around), He says, she is just lazy. He says that our daughter doesn't have any mental health issues, but it is all just our bad parenting, even though she has been diagnosed by 3 separate psychiatrists all of who are very well regarded experts in their fields.  He once told the therapist, that he now agrees dd might be autistic, but her illness isn't related to her behavior issues. 

 

He has a long way to go, before he will go to any type of meeting where he has to be vulnerable.  RIght now, he is only going because it is  a condition of seeing his daughter.

[PeterPan]

So, for instance, if they eat a meal at his house, there can be a lot of demands and complying with that. He'll tell her to set the table, tell her to bring him things, tell her how to mix the salad, what to bring him next, what to stir. Lots of complying. Then they go watch a movie, the fun part, and it's a good time. 

 

But think about the contrast of going out to eat (no demands), a movie (no demands), and ice cream (no demands). You get a kid back who hasn't been complying for 4 hours and is really confused about who the boss is and how things work. And all he had to do was tweak the situation. He could look like he's on his Ps&Qs but be giving her a problem with her autism because of making no demands. This happens with ANYBODY I send my ds with. I'm always uber cautious about it.

 

Also, he may subtly be undermining you or saying things that are confusing to her. You might talk with whoever is on your team about how you can get on top of that. Like not so much changing what he says as maybe getting in her head with some sayings or phrases that help her process what is going on. My ds is easily confused, and when left with a vacuum of how to process it he thinks up some really screwball rules/paradigms. So if you can get ahead of that with social stories or sayings that help her reconcile what is confusing, it could help. Social stories might be a strategy for her, because you could make one custom for this situation and for your strategies for how she returns. 

[PeterPan]

Does the counselor he's seeing have any experience with autism? If not, then it would help to have a behaviorist on your team, someone who can explain the autism side of this.

[eternalsummer]

He did have two sessions in the therapists office with her.  Sorry, i forgot to mention that.  The therapist actually wants them to have a longer time together so they can have some issues to work on in therapy. She knows there will be a honeymoon period and we are working through that now. 

 

The bigger problem right now is transitioning her back home.  He is being on his best behavior and spent the day actually doing things with her at their visit.  They went bowling and to the pet store, out to lunch, etc.  He used to just sit on the couch and check out, playing video games.  Their visit was good.......coming home......not so good.  Going from having a day when you get pretty much everything you want and have constant fun, makes coming back home a bit of a let down. 

 

 

Now this I can relate to.  When DD12 spends the night or weekend at a friends' house, or goes to spend a week with her cousin, she is always in a terrible mood when she returns.  Most of it is that at her friends', or at her cousin's, she doesn't have to do dishes or sweep or put her plate on the counter; she doesn't have to share the computer; there are no siblings running around being loud, etc.  She finds it very hard to transition back to her real life, which is of course much less fun than vacation life.

 

As she's gotten older I've been able to explain to her somewhat that the reason she doesn't have to do chores at grandma's house is because grandma does them all, and because there are no younger siblings, and that's great for a few days, but only extremely rich people can live their whole lives never taking care of themselves or anyone else.  Most people have to clean up after themselves and other members of their family, and have to compromise with other people living in the house - it's just the way life is.

 

She did not get that at 10, though.

[Junie]

Tap, I have no advice for you, but as a Child of Divorce I want to thank you for the effort you are making.

 

My father was not a good parent, but he wanted to be.  I don't recall my mom having any trouble with our behavior when we returned after visitation, so I don't think I can really offer anything that will help.

 

He passed away 15 years ago.  We were never close, but I'm glad I had the chance to have him in my life, even if it wasn't under ideal circumstances.

 

Hugs to you as you work through this.

[katilac]

Please note that this suggestion does not come from me having personal experience with this level of issues, but from observation and discussions with people that do. 

 

Rosie spoke of triggering a meltdown, and this is a bit similar in some ways, but more of a steam pressure valve. Can you think of a physical, perhaps even 'violent' activity that she can engage in after visits? iirc, she is not athletic, but you don't need to be athletic to punch and kick a gym bag. That might be a start. 

 

Ideally, you could find a physical activity that she likes and could learn over time. If she would do some type of martial arts, that might help focus and calmness in the long run, while offering that quick outlet in the short run. An understanding teacher might be able to set up sparring matches with a stronger, more advanced opponent (so less true sparring and more of an outlet where dd cannot actually hurt the other person if she gets out of control). 

 

The 'violent' component isn't required - other people use running, swimming, whatever, but those require more ability and stamina to actually get release from them. 

 

Best of luck to you and her. 

[Pen]

Are you letting your daughter spend time with her bio-dad because you see it as being in her best interests, and if so, how is it in her best interests?  Her interests in this need to take precedence over both your own and her bio-father's.

 

It sounds like he may need more intensive therapy and parenting training before he is ready to interact with her.

 

And, if they are going to visit now, like they may need more structured and chaperoned visitation.

[katilac]

Riffing off of PeterPan's post, I wondered if it would be possible to write a social story about the transition, and found lots of links when I searched "writing social stories." I did see references to stories about shared custody, so there might be one already out there that would work with some tweaking. 

 

[PeterPan]

The 'violent' component isn't required - other people use running, swimming, whatever, but those require more ability and stamina to actually get release from them. 

 

 

Intensity is the word you're looking for, sensory input, something she can feel, something intense enough to match the intensity of what she's feeling. Like for me, there's this class I go to (sort of a crossfit type class) where we do stuff with hand weights. I can go in angry, etc, not really realizing it, not connected to it. I get that weight moving, and that part of my brain starts connecting. People with autism have interroception issues, and interroception is in a particular part of the brain that they're now identifying with MRIs. So when you do mindfulness or anything that helps her slow down and REALIZE how she feels and connect with it and notice it, boom you've engaged that interroception part of the brain.

 

Now you can do weight activities and dissociate an not be mindful, yes, absolutely! But ANYTHING you do to engage mindfulness and target that part of the brain will help her reconnect and notice how she's feeling. For me, weights help with that because they're intense. I've done boxing, and it's fine too. It's not so much the violence or rapidity but the *intensity*, having it be something you can actually feel. But if she's dissociating and not engaging the mindfulness part of her brain, it won't matter. You have to be doing mindfulness with her to help her turn that on and reconnect and engage it and feel it.

 

It's a very hard thing to deal with the feelings of life. It's much easier to turn them off. And it's not so much a talk about them kind of thing as a feel them, slow down, accept them, don't turn it off. Mindfulness. I think it's stuff they do in CBT and there are counselors who do CBT with kids with autism, yes, definitely. Or you can use the strategies and do it with her yourself.

 

If she hasn't practiced those strategies before, then they won't be accessible to her and useful tools in the moment. You can have layers of supports. Then, as she starts to realize how she's feeling, she can do some of it for herself. It might really take ALL the layers mentioned in your thread to get her enough support. Might not be just one thing.

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Edited January 15, 2018 by PeterPan

[ktgrok]

I can say that mindfulness helps, but sometimes they aren't ready for that right away.. Mine needs time to process first. So hence the tv time or reading or something, to settle down, for at least an hour. I think that time is needed to let stress hormones reset. We do better if we process later, or the next day. 

[Catwoman]

I don’t have any advice for you, Tap, just lots of hugs.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[PeterPan]

I can say that mindfulness helps, but sometimes they aren't ready for that right away.. Mine needs time to process first. So hence the tv time or reading or something, to settle down, for at least an hour. I think that time is needed to let stress hormones reset. We do better if we process later, or the next day. 

 

Oh yeah, totally. A lot of things like that are too late in the moment. It's something you do the OTHER days to increase their self-awareness so they realize more how they're feeling in the moment. In the moment is not the time to be teaching it, that's for sure.

[Rosie_0801]

Please note that this suggestion does not come from me having personal experience with this level of issues, but from observation and discussions with people that do. 

 

Rosie spoke of triggering a meltdown, and this is a bit similar in some ways, but more of a steam pressure valve. Can you think of a physical, perhaps even 'violent' activity that she can engage in after visits? iirc, she is not athletic, but you don't need to be athletic to punch and kick a gym bag. That might be a start. 

 

Ideally, you could find a physical activity that she likes and could learn over time. If she would do some type of martial arts, that might help focus and calmness in the long run, while offering that quick outlet in the short run. An understanding teacher might be able to set up sparring matches with a stronger, more advanced opponent (so less true sparring and more of an outlet where dd cannot actually hurt the other person if she gets out of control). 

 

The 'violent' component isn't required - other people use running, swimming, whatever, but those require more ability and stamina to actually get release from them. 

 

Best of luck to you and her. 

 

It depends on the kid. Exercise used at the wrong time is like the brakes failing on the way down a mountain. During the pre and meltdown stages, you are dealing with trauma, deep level fear. Creating current fear would make a helluva mess. The sort of mess that teaches you that ordinary meltdowns actually do have limits.