Older teens and chores

[Scarlett]

I give up.  I mean the things that I have asked of them to take care of on a regular basis neither of them seem able or willing to do.  Remove wet washcloths from shower.  Close the shower curtain.  Make your bed.  Put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Take the trash out. (assigned to ds17)  Clean their bathroom once a week (assigned to dss16).

 

I just talked to my sister.  She has a 19 year old son that left the home earlier this year in crisis because he was doing drugs and had them in her home.  And she has a 14 year old and 16 year old dd who are giving her fits over things like putting sexual pictures of themselves on social media and my sister found text evidence of sexual activity...and a total blow out ensued when the phone was taken away and the XH called cps on my sister and her husband.  

 

And the 17 year old boy down the street is in jail for kicking the door in of  the elderly neighbor lady and stealing 100K worth of stuff. 

 

So, lately my boys not doing their chores seems so trivial.  I don't know.  I can't process all of this.  I mean I sometimes get so angry when I see the FEW simple things I ask of them UNDONE but really should I just let it go?  Try to enjoy the time I have left before they leave home?  

 

Then I say, 'heck no.'  This is part of parenting and they need to be responsible for these simple things.  So, then how do I get them to do it without it  being a constant battle?

 

Ugh.

[Rosie_0801]

Yeah. I think you should let some of those things go and have more of a house mate relationship. Don't sweat the small stuff, and unmade beds and open shower curtains are small stuff. Give up on washcloths in the shower and use one of those things made of netting that probably have a name. They can be hung off the tap handle and will drip dry in no time.

[Scarlett]

Yeah. I think you should let some of those things go and have more of a house mate relationship. Don't sweat the small stuff, and unmade beds and open shower curtains are small stuff. Give up on washcloths in the shower and use one of those things made of netting that probably have a name. They can be hung off the tap handle and will drip dry in no time.

 

 

ds17 is the only one of them that uses washclothes.  He won't use something that has to be reused.  LOL...and I have to walk right past his room....I can't stand an unmade bed.  And the kitchen piles up when people don't do their part.  

 

Sigh.  

[Rosie_0801]

Close the bedroom door and you won't have to see the bed?

[catz]

I let my kids keep their rooms how they want.  But in shared space, I require my kids to clean up after themselves.  I'd just shut their bedroom doors if you don't want to look in there.  I don't allow food in bedrooms.

[regentrude]

I let my kids keep their rooms how they want.  But in shared space, I require my kids to clean up after themselves.  I'd just shut their bedroom doors if you don't want to look in there.  I don't allow food in bedrooms.

 

ditto. Their bedrooms ate their business. If you don't like how they keep their bed, then close the door.

 

I expect them to clean up after themselves in common areas.

[regentrude]

ds17 is the only one of them that uses washclothes.  He won't use something that has to be reused.  

 

I don't understand. You throw the washcloths away or what???

[TeenagerMom]

I have a 15 yr old and 17 yr old here.  Bedrooms are there business as is their laundry.  I would also be letting go of the shower curtain thing and the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.  Unloading/Loading the dishwasher once a day would be on the chore list that they could alternate weeks, etc.  The washcloths I would take issue with, simply because they will start to mold if left in there.

 

I have 1 teen that is actually responsible, with pay, for the dishes, trash, and feeding the animals because he wants spending money and can't work yet.

 

The other teen has a job and pays her bills so she doesn't really have any responsibility beyond cleaning up after herself, cooking meals when I need her to, and running errands.  She also chauffeurs her brother around for me as needed.

[kiwik]

I don't understand. You throw the washcloths away or what???

I think she washes them every time they are used once.

[J-rap]

When my kids were older teens, they were so busy with school, extra-curricular activities, jobs, not to mention looming independence, that for the first time chores took back seat.  Now, if they were just sitting around playing on the computer that's a different story.  But I did give them some space.  They could do what they wanted with their rooms.  But, they did still need to pick up after themselves in public spaces.

[katilac]

I don't understand. You throw the washcloths away or what???

 

They get washed in the washing machine, they are not reused in between washings. 

 

Rosie is saying to use a sponge/poof that you hang to drip dry. It does not get put into the washing machine between uses. 

[Annie G]

I required them to maintain the public spaces to my standard (don't leave your mess in our public space), but their bedrooms were their own. It drove me crazy but that's my problem.  

 

The bathroom is a middle ground- I don't require it to be as clean as mine but I do expect it to be reasonably clean. It's still my house and I don't want a nasty toilet to get stained too much or the shower grout to get mildew from not being cleaned. 

 

I know teens and young adults are super busy but when they are out on their own they have to find time to handle these kinds of things so I figured they might as well get used to it now.  

 

Disclaimer: Two of my four adult children are slobs despite this method.  So it's not like I have a great track record. 

[Joker]

Mine don't have chores and they are 18 and 15. They help when asked and they can keep their rooms how they want (one is tidy and one is a disaster right now). They are also the only two who use their bathroom so they work it out among themselves or one gets tired of a mess and cleans it. I don't view them having chores as some parental responsibility, though. 

 

Sometimes I worry but I do remember having no chores and my mom did all the work because it's what she preferred yet we all figured out how to take of ourselves and our homes when we moved out.

 

Dh and I went out of town two months ago and left ds and dd home alone for the week. My mom is only a few minutes away and did check in on them twice. They managed to get themselves to school everyday, get their homework done, feed themselves, take care of the dogs, and keep the house clean. So, when they knew there was no one else to clean up they were able to get it all done themselves. I'm not worried about them being able to take care of their spaces and themselves anymore once they move out. 

 

 

[Frances]

I'd let their rooms go, but maybe try just consistently enforcing the other chores for a week or so and tying them to benefits they get from being part of the household. Such as, you're welcome to join us for breakfast (or lunch or dinner) after x, y, and z are done. Or yes, I'll be happy to drive you to your activity after you finish your chores. Or sure, you can watch TV, as soon as your chores are done. Hopefully soon they will just become part of their normal routines, and no reminders will be needed.

 

As an aside, I have to say that cleaning the bathroom sounds like a lot more work than taking out the garbage. Maybe they would prefer to rotate chores. We used to let our son choose for the bigger chores like cleaning the entire kitchen, cleaning the main bathroom, and doing yard work, and we often tackled those together or at the same time. The smaller chores were just automatic, having used the above technique from a very young age. And his room vacillated between pristine and down right frightening, but it was in the basement, so I didn't care.

[Scarlett]

I'd let their rooms go, but maybe try just consistently enforcing the other chores for a week or so and tying them to benefits they get from being part of the household. Such as, you're welcome to join us for breakfast (or lunch or dinner) after x, y, and z are done. Or yes, I'll be happy to drive you to your activity after you finish your chores. Or sure, you can watch TV, as soon as your chores are done. Hopefully soon they will just become part of their normal routines, and no reminders will be needed.

 

As an aside, I have to say that cleaning the bathroom sounds like a lot more work than taking out the garbage. Maybe they would prefer to rotate chores. We used to let our son choose for the bigger chores like cleaning the entire kitchen, cleaning the main bathroom, and doing yard work, and we often tackled those together or at the same time. The smaller chores were just automatic, having used the above technique from a very young age. And his room vacillated between pristine and down right frightening, but it was in the basement, so I didn't care.

Taking out the trash is pretty much a daily/ every other day commitment.....and to the curb once a week. Bathroom is a once a week job....and dss16 doesn't work...so it seems fair and both boys are ok with it.

[Scarlett]

Mine don't have chores and they are 18 and 15. They help when asked and they can keep their rooms how they want (one is tidy and one is a disaster right now). They are also the only two who use their bathroom so they work it out among themselves or one gets tired of a mess and cleans it. I don't view them having chores as some parental responsibility, though.

 

Sometimes I worry but I do remember having no chores and my mom did all the work because it's what she preferred yet we all figured out how to take of ourselves and our homes when we moved out.

 

Dh and I went out of town two months ago and left ds and dd home alone for the week. My mom is only a few minutes away and did check in on them twice. They managed to get themselves to school everyday, get their homework done, feed themselves, take care of the dogs, and keep the house clean. So, when they knew there was no one else to clean up they were able to get it all done themselves. I'm not worried about them being able to take care of their spaces and themselves anymore once they move out.

Honestly i am not as concerned about them knowing how to take care of themselves when they move out as I am with wanting my own house kept clean and neat now.

[gstharr]

Chores are a tough one for me.  I grew up doing chores. In my family, around 10 y.o everybody did their own laundry and ironing.  Boys did the yard work, girls did the inside work, and we all did dishes.  I would like my 12 y.o to do chores. In theory is allowance is based on it.  But, he does 10-15 hours per week in after schooling, and sports activities that I never had to do ( or my parents  not could afford to do with me).  Mostly, i bite my tongue, and encourage him to relax and play when he can. 

Edited November 30, 2017 by gstharr

[nixpix5]

When I had teens at home I let them keep their room how they wanted and to shut their door so I didn't have to see it. Common use areas we treated like dorm space, if you used something then clean it up or put it away. I felt like their job was to do their school work and help maintain shared space. For a period of time I assigned a set of dishes to everyone and had a limited amount of towels to get them used to maintaining theirs because we had towels disappearing into their pits of doom and dishes piling up in the sink. That worked well and I didn't have to do it for too long.

 

They do eventually become clean. When I visit my boys' house I am always amazed at how tidy it is and I swore they would be living in squalor when they were teens :)

[Selkie]

My kids are 19, 17, and 15 and they have been doing chores since they were little. The younger two are busy with school and the oldest works full time (he's taking a gap year), but we expect them all to do their part in keeping the household running smoothly. Their daily chores include cleaning the kitchen after dinner, taking out the garbage, sweeping or vacuuming the main floor, and washing the dogs' food bowls and filling water bowls. On weekends, they have a few hours of additional chores, like yard work or cleaning.

 

In addition, two of them have horses so they do horse chores in the early morning and evening.

 

I don't care what their bedrooms look like, though. That's their space and they can be as messy as they want.  :)   

 

 

 

 

 

 

[eternalsummer]

I'm with regentrude - at this age, common areas is what I'd insist on.  Their bedrooms - just close the door and pretend it is Martha Stewart quality back there.  But they can hang up washclothes or you can stop washing them (and/or buying them); they can keep the shower from mildewing or they can de-mildew it weekly; they can do the dishes and take out the trash and vacuum and sweep and mop and wipe down the baseboards and dust the ceiling fans and clean the bathrooms and make dinner and clear the table and do the laundry.

 

Our kids do all of these things, and they are 6, 9, and 12; we are not (not) authoritarian or controlling parents, at all.  We're just very busy and we have lots of little kids.  This house would not function without their help, not for 2 or 3 days.  It would be a disaster or we'd get behind on the business and that would be worse.  So they help, because without their help there are no dishes to eat from or cook on, and thus no dinner; there are no clean clothes to wear, and thus no way to walk to the park (because you can't go in the pajamas you've been wearing for 2 days); the floor is sticky and crumbly, which makes me snappish and unpleasant, the trash builds up and you can't throw anything away because the bags are full, etc.

 

They don't do these things on autopilot, or without our help, but they do them.  It is the only way.  It's like insisting on wearing a seatbelt - the car doesn't go without the seatbelt.  Dinner doesn't get made if there are no clean dishes.  Computer isn't free for kid use if the house hasn't been swept, etc.

 

I do not know how I'd go about addressing this with teenagers, though.  Dynamic is so different.

[Joker]

Honestly i am not as concerned about them knowing how to take care of themselves when they move out as I am with wanting my own house kept clean and neat now.

 

Oh, I get it. I said mine help when asked. It's just they have no set chores and nothing that is expected to be done by a certain time. When their laundry needs done, they just do it. I have no set times or days. If I need help with dishes, I ask one (usually whoever is closest to me) and they do it. Things get done daily but there is no set list of who does what or when it gets done. 

[Scarlett]

I'm with regentrude - at this age, common areas is what I'd insist on. Their bedrooms - just close the door and pretend it is Martha Stewart quality back there. But they can hang up washclothes or you can stop washing them (and/or buying them); they can keep the shower from mildewing or they can de-mildew it weekly; they can do the dishes and take out the trash and vacuum and sweep and mop and wipe down the baseboards and dust the ceiling fans and clean the bathrooms and make dinner and clear the table and do the laundry.

 

Our kids do all of these things, and they are 6, 9, and 12; we are not (not) authoritarian or controlling parents, at all. We're just very busy and we have lots of little kids. This house would not function without their help, not for 2 or 3 days. It would be a disaster or we'd get behind on the business and that would be worse. So they help, because without their help there are no dishes to eat from or cook on, and thus no dinner; there are no clean clothes to wear, and thus no way to walk to the park (because you can't go in the pajamas you've been wearing for 2 days); the floor is sticky and crumbly, which makes me snappish and unpleasant, the trash builds up and you can't throw anything away because the bags are full, etc.

 

They don't do these things on autopilot, or without our help, but they do them. It is the only way. It's like insisting on wearing a seatbelt - the car doesn't go without the seatbelt. Dinner doesn't get made if there are no clean dishes. Computer isn't free for kid use if the house hasn't been swept, etc.

 

I do not know how I'd go about addressing this with teenagers, though. Dynamic is so different.

Yes, it was quite easy when my son was little. He was a great help. With no attitude. Edited November 30, 2017 by Scarlett

[eternalsummer]

Well, sources say he'll be friendly again when he's about 22.

[kroe1]

I never gave my kids any chores. They have turned out fine, so far. I would ask them to help me with whatever I was doing on a regular basis, but, it would be something different from day to day. The one thing I never do is let one clean up his own room. Cleaning their rooms keeps me knowledgeable about what they are doing.

[Sarah CB]

I require periodic cleanings of their rooms. For the most part, I just don't worry about what the rooms look like, but every once in a while I insist they clean.

 

I have two teens - one is 15 and the other is 17. They don't work, but they are quite busy with volunteering, music, and homework.

 

My 15 year old does the garbages and cat litter. This is a daily task. However, he probably only does it 4 or 5 times a week. My 17 year old does the lawn mowing in the summer, it's a weekly chore. In the winter, he is responsible for the bulk of the snow shovelling, but everyone pitches in when it's really bad.

 

Both boys are responsible for fully cleaning the kitchen after dinner. It took some training, but they actually do a great job. Thankfully, this is one I don't have to nag them about. 

 

I've started ordering Hello Fresh once a month and each of my boys is responsible for cooking one of the dinners. This is also working well. 

 

Younger boy (12) is responsible for scooping dog poo (a few times a week) and setting the table. 

 

 

[mom@shiloh]

It's your house and you're the mom, so if you like things clean and the beds made, that's ok and they should learn to live within the boundaries that you set.  They're not unreasonable standards, so I don't agree with just shutting the door. Of course, that's fine for the others who want to do it that way, but you're saying that you're not ok with it.  And, that's ok.  

 

The question isn't if those should be your standards.  Those are your standards.  So, your real question is:  how do I enforce those?  

 

Honestly, I think the issue here is if your kids are going to show you respect.  The cleaning up is just the symptom of the disease. So, if you look at it in terms of teaching your kids to respect your perfectly reasonable house rules, I'd explain that to them and then commit to making this a hill to die on.  

 

Your bed is a privilege and not a right.  It can and will disappear if you abuse the privilege.  Ditto with everything else.  Privileges can be earned back.

 

 You're the only one who can tell if this is an attitude question that you want to address with drastic measures or if you just prefer to let this one slide.  Either way, I think it's beneficial to make a decision and stick with it.

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't make my kids do much, but I'm big on "clean up after yourself".  I still have to remind them for the simplest things.  I guess this is just an ongoing process though.  It's not that we'll tell them something once or even 1000 times and they'll get it.  If that were the case maybe they'd leave the house when they were 10.  LOL

 

On the plus venting helps prevent us from strangling them right?  :laugh:

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

It's your house and you're the mom, so if you like things clean and the beds made, that's ok and they should learn to live within the boundaries that you set.  They're not unreasonable standards, so I don't agree with just shutting the door. Of course, that's fine for the others who want to do it that way, but you're saying that you're not ok with it.  And, that's ok.  

 

The question isn't if those should be your standards.  Those are your standards.  So, your real question is:  how do I enforce those?  

 

Honestly, I think the issue here is if your kids are going to show you respect.  The cleaning up is just the symptom of the disease. So, if you look at it in terms of teaching your kids to respect your perfectly reasonable house rules, I'd explain that to them and then commit to making this a hill to die on.  

 

Your bed is a privilege and not a right.  It can and will disappear if you abuse the privilege.  Ditto with everything else.  Privileges can be earned back.

 

 You're the only one who can tell if this is an attitude question that you want to address with drastic measures or if you just prefer to let this one slide.  Either way, I think it's beneficial to make a decision and stick with it.

 

And when you've got kids who'll be moving out in a year or two, you might find it is time to transition from 'make your bed out of respect for me' to 'are these kids going to call home? It's going to be awfully quiet around here.'

[Scarlett]

Rosie I don’t want a bad relationship with either one of them. Of course I want them to want to be there and want to come back to visit and call me. But if they care so little for me they cannot even make their bed and put their dishes in the dishwasher than I’m not sure they will be calling home anyway

[almondbutterandjelly]

Ah, but you are taking it personally when they don't see it as a personal issue.  They aren't saying hurtful things to you.  They are not making their beds or putting dishes away.  That has nothing to do with you, from their perspective.  Those are very separate things.  Just because you care a lot about those things does not make them care about those things.  It is not personal.

 

FWIW, we don't make our beds in my house unless company is coming.  And dishes sit on the counter above the dishwasher until my dh loads. 

 

It's really not about their feelings toward you.

 

((hugs))

[Annie G]

Ah, but you are taking it personally when they don't see it as a personal issue.  They aren't saying hurtful things to you.  They are not making their beds or putting dishes away.  That has nothing to do with you, from their perspective.  Those are very separate things.  Just because you care a lot about those things does not make them care about those things.  It is not personal.

 

FWIW, we don't make our beds in my house unless company is coming.  And dishes sit on the counter above the dishwasher until my dh loads. 

 

It's really not about their feelings toward you.

 

((hugs))

 

But it becomes personal when their actions (or more accurately, inaction) leads to more work for Scarlett.  Not putting their dishes away means Scarlett has to do it.  If the son doesn't take the trash out, she probably does it.  Or at the very least she has to remind/argue with him to do it. More work.  So even though the boys aren't saying hurtful things, it feels just as disrespectful and selfish when a teen doesn't do simple things that he knows will bring his mom pleasure and make her life a little easier. 

 

It might not be a reflection of how they feel about her (though it might), but it is about how it makes Scarlett feel.  It's a tricky knot to untangle. 

[fairfarmhand]

SO I have a 19 almost 20 yo sharing a room and bathroom with her sister. Here's how I handle it.

 

She does her own laundry. it bugs her sister for the room to be totally messy (no food mess, just cluttery messy clothes, shoes, books, etc) so we have an agreement that she cleans her room every Saturday. I did tell her that it was her responsibility to plan for cleaning it. In other words, if she has an all day commitment on Saturday, it gets cleaned Friday night or something. I remind her to clean it every weekend when we're discussing weekend plans.

 

I don't sweat bed making. 

 

Things like dishes, trash, etc. easy, 5 minute chores, I remind when they have a few minutes. So if she's on the couch doing homework, I'll say "When you have a break or before you go to bed, please take 5 minutes to x, y, z." 

 

For the washcloths, I would probably start placing just a handful of my less nice washcloths in their bathroom. When they got gross, I'd let the son figure out what to do with it. I'd be very up front. "I've continually asked you about this. Here's what's happening from now on. I don't care if they get mildewed or gross. If they do, then you get to replace them with your own money. Do not use the ones in my bathroom. You're old enough to figure this out. If you hang them up, they dry, I'll be glad to wash them. If they're soggy and gross, it's up to you to handle them." And I'd stick to it. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

It is not just his bathroom. It is the main bathroom that all guest use as well. So I want the wash clotus out and the shower curtain shut the sink wiped dry and a fresh hand towel hung up.

 

They are not allowed to have food in the bedrooms. So far they have abided by that miraculously .

 

Reminding them does no good. This morning I sent a reminder text 45 minutes before they left for school and both of them left things in that reminder text undone.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I have no answer for you, just wanted to empathize. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

So I got home after the boys got home from school. Ds's plate and cup from breakfast were still on the kitchen table even after my txt to him telling him how upset I was that they didn't do their few simple chores AGAIN. He had made himself a sandwich and he literally had to push the plate out of his way to sit down and eat. So a spirited discussing ensued and he tried saying there was no way he could put his dishes in the dishwasher in the mornings because he is too sleepy. Same reason he forgets the washcloth. He sits at the kitchen table for about 30 min very morning eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. I told hm to set an alarm ten min before he needs to leave and spend 3 min doing the few things i want done. He insisted he was incapable of doing that. So I told him to stop eating breakfast. He said he would pass out from hunger. I said well stop on the way but don't dirty my dishes if you are incapable of putting them in the dishwasher. He stormed off to his room while I finished up working for my boss....he came out just before I left and his mood was much better.

 

I didn't see dss16. Dh was texting him and his response was he shouldn't have to do any cleaning up for other people. Meaning my son....which no one exactly asked him to do that but I have said since dss is home all afternoon it would not hurt him to tidy up the kitchen before someone has to start cooking....but this whole attitude of ' not my problem'. Holy Crap. Ds17 gives him a ride to school every day which btw is not Ds's responsibility.

 

Now Dh and I are fighting and I just want to run away.

[JudoMom]

So I got home after the boys got home from school. Ds's plate and cup from breakfast were still on the kitchen table even after my txt to him telling him how upset I was that they didn't do their few simple chores AGAIN. He had made himself a sandwich and he literally had to push the plate out of his way to sit down and eat. So a spirited discussing ensued and he tried saying there was no way he could put his dishes in the dishwasher in the mornings because he is too sleepy. Same reason he forgets the washcloth. He sits at the kitchen table for about 30 min very morning eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. I told hm to set an alarm ten min before he needs to leave and spend 3 min doing the few things i want done. He insisted he was incapable of doing that. So I told him to stop eating breakfast. He said he would pass out from hunger. I said well stop on the way but don't dirty my dishes if you are incapable of putting them in the dishwasher. He stormed off to his room while I finished up working for my boss....he came out just before I left and his mood was much better.

 

I didn't see dss16. Dh was texting him and his response was he shouldn't have to do any cleaning up for other people. Meaning my son....which no one exactly asked him to do that but I have said since dss is home all afternoon it would not hurt him to tidy up the kitchen before someone has to start cooking....but this whole attitude of ' not my problem'. Holy Crap. Ds17 gives him a ride to school every day which btw is not Ds's responsibility.

 

Now Dh and I are fighting and I just want to run away.

 

Why are you arguing with them?

 

So he didn't get the dish in the dishwasher before school.  Not a big deal.  He gets to do it when you see it, though, if it's that important to you that he does it.  Same thing with the washcloth.  He gets to stop what he's doing when you see it and does it then.  Don't argue, just calmly tell them to do what they forgot to do.

 

But good heavens, the relationship is more important than the dishes or the washcloths.  I highly doubt it's actually a personal attack on you, even if it feels that way.  

 

(And, just so I don't sound like I don't understand, I have my own triggers with my teens that I have to counsel myself not to argue with them about)

[lllll]

So I got home after the boys got home from school. Ds's plate and cup from breakfast were still on the kitchen table even after my txt to him telling him how upset I was that they didn't do their few simple chores AGAIN. He had made himself a sandwich and he literally had to push the plate out of his way to sit down and eat. So a spirited discussing ensued and he tried saying there was no way he could put his dishes in the dishwasher in the mornings because he is too sleepy. Same reason he forgets the washcloth. He sits at the kitchen table for about 30 min very morning eating his breakfast and looking at his phone. I told hm to set an alarm ten min before he needs to leave and spend 3 min doing the few things i want done. He insisted he was incapable of doing that. So I told him to stop eating breakfast. He said he would pass out from hunger. I said well stop on the way but don't dirty my dishes if you are incapable of putting them in the dishwasher. He stormed off to his room while I finished up working for my boss....he came out just before I left and his mood was much better.

 

I didn't see dss16. Dh was texting him and his response was he shouldn't have to do any cleaning up for other people. Meaning my son....which no one exactly asked him to do that but I have said since dss is home all afternoon it would not hurt him to tidy up the kitchen before someone has to start cooking....but this whole attitude of ' not my problem'. Holy Crap. Ds17 gives him a ride to school every day which btw is not Ds's responsibility.

 

Now Dh and I are fighting and I just want to run away.

 

:grouphug:   I'd be upset about the attitudes, too.  Maybe it's time for a family meeting or something?  And no one leaves the table until the problem is solved ...  And a method of accountability is set up.

 

Is something else going on, Scarlett, that's upsetting you?  (No need to answer.  Just thinking ...)

[Scarlett]

And when they are in a shared house with house mates, guess what ? Nobody will care about the bed, true, but do you guys know how many arguments happen in shared houses over people who don't pull their weight in keeping common areas clean ? They are not going to be popular, trust me, if they leave everything for someone else to pick up.

 

Plus - ya know, Scarlett is entitled to some respect. Kid may not care two hoots that the washers sit there wet and gross, but his mom does. It's not an imposition to do a small, easy thing, because you know it matters to mom. It's just part of being kind to each other. I remember dh had a thing about tea bags, and so I used to try extra hard not to leave them sitting around - yeah, it seemed petty to me, and I couldn't care less if there are a hundred tea bags sitting on the kitchen counter - but he did, so I did the small thing.

Thank you. My son is trying to convince me I am over the top and unreasonable by wanting the dishes put in the dishwasher right away.

 

And he is trying to convince me he is incapable of doing these small morning chores.

[Scarlett]

Why are you arguing with them?

 

So he didn't get the dish in the dishwasher before school. Not a big deal. He gets to do it when you see it, though, if it's that important to you that he does it. Same thing with the washcloth. He gets to stop what he's doing when you see it and does it then. Don't argue, just calmly tell them to do what they forgot to do.

 

But good heavens, the relationship is more important than the dishes or the washcloths. I highly doubt it's actually a personal attack on you, even if it feels that way.

 

(And, just so I don't sound like I don't understand, I have my own triggers with my teens that I have to counsel myself not to argue with them about)

But it is a big deal to me. Especially when I reminded him before I left the house. I don't want to have to come home and either do it myself if he isn't home or to tell him AGAIN to put his dishes in the dishwasher.

[fairfarmhand]

Thank you. My son is trying to convince me I am over the top and unreasonable by wanting the dishes put in the dishwasher right away.

 

And he is trying to convince me he is incapable of doing these small morning chores.

I, being the sarcastic and horrible mother that I am, would insist that he place the dishes in the dishwasher right away that second while I stood there with a stopwatch timing him. It probably takes less than 2 minutes. Then I would tell him that if the 2 minute job is out of his ability in the morning, he is choosing to do all the dishes that night. In other words, to save 2 minutes in the morning, he will give me 15 that evening. He can choose where he wants to spend his time.

 

And he's full of it.

 

Scarlett, it isn't personal. He's not trying to be mean. He's not trying to hurt your feelings or annoy you. He's being lazy and sloppy and making excuses. Don't get emotional. Don't tell him that he's being inconsiderate because, frankly, he probably doesn't care. Just tell him that at his age, he's capable of doing this and it's his decision on how he wants to handle the dishes.

[Joker]

I'm one who doesn't think it's a big deal for it to be done later. If it's just a plate and cup, I don't see why that would prevent anyone else from doing anything else in the kitchen. It just comes across as rather controlling to me to not only have daily chores but for you to decide when those chores must be done. I've never had issues with any roommate doing their cleaning on their own time. I would have had to find a new one if they always insisted I put away my dishes when they deemed it necessary.

[Scarlett]

I, being the sarcastic and horrible mother that I am, would insist that he place the dishes in the dishwasher right away that second while I stood there with a stopwatch timing him. It probably takes less than 2 minutes. Then I would tell him that if the 2 minute job is out of his ability in the morning, he is choosing to do all the dishes that night. In other words, to save 2 minutes in the morning, he will give me 15 that evening. He can choose where he wants to spend his time.

 

And he's full of it.

 

Scarlett, it isn't personal. He's not trying to be mean. He's not trying to hurt your feelings or annoy you. He's being lazy and sloppy and making excuses. Don't get emotional. Don't tell him that he's being inconsiderate because, frankly, he probably doesn't care. Just tell him that at his age, he's capable of doing this and it's his decision on how he wants to handle the dishes.

My mom told me to remove the shower curtain, all washcloths and not allow them to use the dishes at all. And if they don't make their beds stuff all their covers under their bed. :)

[lllll]

My mom told me to remove the shower curtain, all washcloths and not allow them to use the dishes at all. And if they don't make their beds stuff all their covers under their bed. :)

 

You could simplify the bed issue by allowing them a bottom sheet and a sleeping bag.  It takes about 5 seconds to pull the sleeping bag up over the bed every morning, and the bed is 'made'.  That's what I did for my kids and it worked really well.  Get cheap ones so you can throw them away when they get grungy.  Hard to wash nice, thick sleeping bags.

[Sandwalker]

You could simplify the bed issue by allowing them a bottom sheet and a sleeping bag. It takes about 5 seconds to pull the sleeping bag up over the bed every morning, and the bed is 'made'. That's what I did for my kids and it worked really well. Get cheap ones so you can throw them away when they get grungy. Hard to wash nice, thick sleeping bags.

We used quilts and duvet covers, so no top sheet, just pull up the duvet and it looks great, easy washing. :D

[Scarlett]

His bed is never made to my standards but I let that pass if the covers are pulled up and straight. I know the sheets are wadded up underneath...but whatever.

[Laura Corin]

Is it your house or is it the house of all the occupants? Have you asked them about the things you (Scarlett) do in the house that also drive them crazy? Maybe time to start a dialogue.

[Scarlett]

Is it your house or is it the house of all the occupants? Have you asked them about the things you (Scarlett) do in the house that also drive them crazy? Maybe time to start a dialogue.

It s my house. I am happy to provide a home for them, but I am not of the belief that it is a democracy. They are free to tell me what they dislike. Which apparently is that I make them do chores.

[Joker]

I don't think her list of chores is a big deal. I do think it's over the top to decide for her 17 year old when those chores must be done during the day. It seems ridiculous and controlling to me.

[Joker]

Maybe she just wants  a clean kitchen after breakfast. It's not a hanging crime. 

 

Re garbage and other chores - there are good reasons for those to be done in a timely manner.

 

Yeah, but she's here venting because she's not getting what she wants and everyone is fighting. So, I still just don't get it. Letting them take control of when they do those daily chores might help and I'm just pointing out that it's not just her ds who finds it all a bit over the top. I find it that way as well as 40 year old adult. 

[cave canem]

I never understand the conclusions drawn from the "relation-trumps-all" viewpoint.  What basic behavior should we excuse able-bodied housemates from out of fear of being disowned in five years?   I don't think I should function as a domestic servant in order to be acknowledged as a mother.  

 

If it is reasonable to put away things, it is reasonable to do it within a given time frame. This seems to be the way the world works in general. I put a sign up in our kitchen:  Do it now.  I read it aloud if someone starts a phone fest with a mess still strewn around.  What is the real hardship in finishing one thing before starting another?

 

I would not keep trying to persuade him how reasonable you are.  Just lay out the expectation and come up with a consequence.  Does your son get to drive his car to school no matter what?  My son isn't supposed to leave for school until the dishes are done.  We drive him, but I don't think his having access to a car would change the chore expectation.

 

For a while each family member here had one assigned plate, mug, bowl, spoon, fork, knife.  Only one sharp knife was left in the kitchen.  Any dirty dishes left around were disappeared to the basement and had to be fetched by the owner to wash and reuse.  Everyone's habits improved pronto.  

 

I wouldn't die on a made bed hill, but I do think there are limits to acceptable room mess.  

 

edited to clean up an incoherent sentence.

Edited November 30, 2017 by cave canem