One on one time with your kids

[Elizabeth86]

I have always been tbe type that the whole family does everything together. We need a gallon of milk?All 5 of us end up at the store. We never use a babysitter.

 

I have been grumpy, stressed and overwhelmed and not as happy as I used to be. Dh has suggested I go out alone and all this, but the thought of that never appealed to me either. Not at all.

 

Ds1 had an important dr appointment yesterday and dh had to work, so my little 2 stayed with my parents. I enjoyed my day so much. I felt like the mom I used to be. I could hear ds talk in the car. I could foucs on his questions without being interrupted. There was no arguing or yelling in the car. Ds had perfect behavior. When he talked to me I was able to look at his pretty blue eyes and take it all in. I could watch him closely and cherish looking at my son instead of nonstop scannig the room counting 123 ok everyone is here. I really got to listen to everything he had to say and it meant the whole world to me. I am so much more calm and relaxed one on one. I was happy to tell dh of my new discovery and he agreed I need to do this a lot. Then I ended up taking dd to the store with me alone that same evening. Also a good experience.

 

So it is decided I must carve out as much one on one time as I can for each of my kids. How do you do this in your home. Just looking for any advice as a good way to remember whose turn it is turn go to the store with mom. How often do you make a special day with each of your kids? My whole family really needs this.

[Guest]

I always loved to have one on one time with my kids and still greatly enjoy it as they become adults. Personally, I never did make it a schedule (you could, but I didn't). I just had a general idea that I had taken Kid A somewhere recently and now maybe I would take Kid B. I even have gone on trips with just one child; those were some of my favorite vacations. (In that case, yes I did specifically take Kid B the next time because I had taken Kid A the other time. Obviously I'm not going to forget who went to Colorado with me last time.)

 

Another reason I liked doing this was because it allows me to really immerse myself in that kid's interests. Only one of my kids likes to have sushi. Only one of my kids wants to go to the music store and try out guitars. One of my kids really loves to go on a hike.

 

I think the best way to keep it from being some sibling rivalry point is just not to make it so much of an emphasis on whose "turn" it is. Don't make a big deal about turns. Just say, "Okay, Joshy, you get to go on a mommy date this time." Don't talk about turns or why it's this kid this time. If the other kids pipe up and start talking about turns or protesting that Joshy already had a turn when he got his hair cut last week or whatever, just calmly reassure them that you are taking Joshy this time and you will take them each on another day.

[My4arrows]

I've done this in different ways over the years. When mine were a bit younger and there were less of them, I'd do a date a week with each of my boys- so each week it was a different child. This worked well when it was just two kids and a baby (who didn't need the date). Our dates were simple. Sometimes running errand together like you mentioned or times something fun like mini golf or an ice cream out. Once our fourth was born and my third was older this got more difficult (especially since DH works a lot). Now with four who all want that attention and a fifth on the way, I tend to do this throughout the day, mainly at night. Each evening I try to spend that extra time with each child, taking the extra time to listen to their stories, read a book to them that they've chosen, choosing one to stay up later with me to watch a show or do something special. I'll still do an occasional date with each of them, but it's not as scheduled as it was before. We also have a quiet time during the day when everyone goes to their own spaces to relax and do something quietly. Sometimes when I have the energy, I'll do the special time with a child then.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I only have two so that's probably way easier than 5 for one on one time.  But I just wanted to add that my best times with my kids are one on one.  When it's both of them, they often argue or interrupt each other when talking.  It's rather annoying.  They are getting better about it as they get older, but yeah one on one time with them is great.  It takes various forms.  Anything from one comes to the store with me to cooking something together to going out to a movie together.

 

 

[Rachel]

I had a nice post before the board crashed. Anyway...

 

I try to take just one kid to run errands or for a walk around the block after supper. For awhile I rotated taking them out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. I have also done read aloud with just one child during nap time.

 

My husband and I took just our oldest when we went to TX to help family with the flooding. It wasn't intentionally so we could have one on one time with him, but it was so good we are now trying to think of ways we can have a weekend individually with our other two kids.

[Rachel]

I don't worry about a schedule, just keep in mind which child you were with last time and take a different one next time.

[Arctic Bunny]

I grab just one kid to run out to the store. Driving to extracurriculars is leading to one-on-one. I also spend some time with each one alone at bed time, when they tell me about their day and ask about mine and whatever is on their mind. Lots of interesting conversations there!

[SKL]

I haven't been good about this since my 2 kids are almost the same age and do most things together.  However, I'm trying to be somewhat intentional about this now.  My girls don't do all the same activities any more, so when one is in an activity, I try to spend time with the other one.  Or when one is in the shower or watching a show the other kid isn't into.  Then a few minutes at bedtime.

 

Recently someone recommended a 10-20-10 arrangement - one-on-one quality time for 10 minutes in the morning, 20 in the afternoon, 10 in the evening.  Sounds good, but I'm not sure it is would work for us.  It seems we do more short clips and then an occasional long adventure.

[wintermom]

As the dc get older, it's going to be easier to accomplish the one-on-one, as you will be able to leave some at home more often.

 

Enjoy your peaceful outings!

[Lecka]

I have phases where one of my kids needs 1:1 time at bedtime and a 1:1 story and "talk about the day" time.

 

Only at night.  Other times of day couldn't possibly work (for the kid).

 

My oldest was like this when he was 8-10, and now my daughter is almost 9 and she is this way, too. 

 

So I do two bedtimes instead of one.  I have 3 kids and it seems like usually I do two bedtimes, and two kids are happy to share a bedtime, and then one wants his/her own bedtime, for a long enough time that it goes like that for a long time.

 

When my kids were younger, my oldest didn't get a lot of attention during the day b/c I was busy with the little kids, and we had a routine for several years where I read to him while all the kids laid with me, the little kids would fall asleep fast, and then he would get about 30 minutes of hanging out with me at bedtime.  He really relied on it at the time.  Now he is very independent at bedtime and likes to hang out with his little brother a lot, while I am spending time with my daughter.  I would never have believed that would happen ----- as he spent years being my clingiest kid ever at bedtime.  But it meant a lot to him knowing he would get that time with me. 

 

Edit:  Little brother who has never cared a huge amount about private 1:1 time at bedtime, and seems to prefer to be with me and a sibling, does want to spend some time 1:1 with me in the mornings.  He usually gets up first and comes in and snuggles up with me in the morning. 

Edited September 12, 2017 by Lecka

[nixpix5]

DH and I carve out a couple hours each Saturday (or sometimes a week day evening) and we do it this way...

 

I take kid 1 while he takes 2 and 3

Next week I take kid 2 while he takes 1 and 3

Next week I take kid 3 he takes 1 and 2

 

Then we switch. He takes 1 and I take 2 and 3 etc.

 

It is a win win since one child gets special 1:1 time and the other 2 also enjoy their time as well. Sometimes we grab lunch, go to a movie, walk around a park and talk, go to a play...it doesn't matter but it is special time.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Four kids--each kid has a "day" on a weekend once a month. The kid gets to pick what we do together, usually some ice cream and shopping. (DH takes the others. The kids could choose alone time with him if they want and I'd stay with the others). If a kid needs a haircut or new shoes or anything, this is usually when it gets handled. Nice alone time in the car to just chat. And if a month has five weekends, I spend some time alone on the fifth weekend. 

[Scarlett]

I always loved to have one on one time with my kids and still greatly enjoy it as they become adults. Personally, I never did make it a schedule (you could, but I didn't). I just had a general idea that I had taken Kid A somewhere recently and now maybe I would take Kid B. I even have gone on trips with just one child; those were some of my favorite vacations. (In that case, yes I did specifically take Kid B the next time because I had taken Kid A the other time. Obviously I'm not going to forget who went to Colorado with me last time.)

 

Another reason I liked doing this was because it allows me to really immerse myself in that kid's interests. Only one of my kids likes to have sushi. Only one of my kids wants to go to the music store and try out guitars. One of my kids really loves to go on a hike.

 

I think the best way to keep it from being some sibling rivalry point is just not to make it so much of an emphasis on whose "turn" it is. Don't make a big deal about turns. Just say, "Okay, Joshy, you get to go on a mommy date this time." Don't talk about turns or why it's this kid this time. If the other kids pipe up and start talking about turns or protesting that Joshy already had a turn when he got his hair cut last week or whatever, just calmly reassure them that you are taking Joshy this time and you will take them each on another day.

 

 

I agree with not making it a big deal.  Let it happen 'naturally'.  

 

I discovered that if I can come up with a good enough reason for being in the car alone with ds17 at least 2 hours he really opens up and we have great conversations.

[happypamama]

It IS hard to make that all happen.

 

I take my oldest two to a class one evening a week so I get a little time in the car with them without the smallboys. Sometimes I need to run errands during their class, in which case I might bring oldest smallboy. Sometimes DH takes a smallboy on errands on the weekend. It's easier when they are able to sit in boosters. We don't make a big thing out of it; it all evens out in the end. Smallboys who aren't able to go on many little trips now also have the privilege of being the babies who don't get pushed aside for a new baby. (Like, 6yo can sit next to me in the rocking chair when I read, while 4yo gets to sit on my lap. None of the others got to do that that long.)

 

The one I worry about most is 6yo. He's not old enough to do a lot of adventures with DH yet, like kayaking, and 4yo occupies the baby position. Can't take 6yo to run evening errands like I can the 8yo because 6yo will fall asleep and screw up bedtime. He's the quietest of the five of them and also the only child with close in age siblings on both sides. We try to make it a point to take 6yo on daytime errands or to ask for his help in the kitchen (he likes to cook), but yes, it is hard sometimes.

[Elizabeth86]

DH and I carve out a couple hours each Saturday (or sometimes a week day evening) and we do it this way...

 

I take kid 1 while he takes 2 and 3

Next week I take kid 2 while he takes 1 and 3

Next week I take kid 3 he takes 1 and 2

 

Then we switch. He takes 1 and I take 2 and 3 etc.

 

It is a win win since one child gets special 1:1 time and the other 2 also enjoy their time as well. Sometimes we grab lunch, go to a movie, walk around a park and talk, go to a play...it doesn't matter but it is special time.

This sounds like the perfect scenario for us. A lot of times it will be neat to be with just the 2 oldest too.

[Ravin]

I started doing this with my kids when DD's therapist suggested it several years back. The emphasis then was also on it being non-school stuff to help strengthen the parent/child bond and not have DD feeling that EVERYTHING we do is about school.

 

DD has regular counseling appointments, and we'll regularly go out to lunch before or after--not every time, maybe once a month. DD likes to join me for shopping and DS doesn't so DS stays home. For one on one time with DS, I'll play with him (Wii, minecraft, pokemon go, board games) and I walk him home from school on Fridays. Most opportunities with DS arise because DD has a social life that tends to exclude him these days--whether she's got a friend over or is out somewhere.

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited September 21, 2017 by lllllll

[desertstrawberry5]

We have a flexible rotation because without one, it tends to be unbalanced. B will always choose to stay home, Luna is always with me, Jeff feels left out, w gets overlooked, Jay gets the most outings (because he is in treatment in the city, so we do things while we're there).

With e loose rotation, I can make occasions when they wouldn't naturally arise. I was supposed to take Ben skating last night but I got sick :( When i feel better, I'll take him, and there's a sushi go round next door to the rink that we can try.

[Guest]

I agree with not making it a big deal. Let it happen 'naturally'.

 

I discovered that if I can come up with a good enough reason for being in the car alone with ds17 at least 2 hours he really opens up and we have great conversations.

I totally agree. Time in the car is one of the best ways to talk with teens about difficult subjects, too, because nobody has to stare into each other's face.

[Rosika]

My parents have always taken one kid, one night each week. The kids rotate, and keep mental track of "whose" week it is. So I don't get 1:1 per se, but my parents and the kids do. But it's all good because the kids come home refreshed, recharged, and in great spirits. My parents really get to know their grandkids, too. My older kids are local and still spend a few nights each month at my parents (usually during the week. usually when they need clean laundry or my parents need help with something.) 

 

I love that you found a way to freshen up your relationships with your kids. I'm from a large family and my parents didn't always have time to carve out for each of us. I don't think it was a "thing" back then either, though. I knew they loved me and felt they knew me pretty well, so I don't begrudge them in the slightest, but it did influence me when it came time to determining the size of my own family. It's all about finding pockets of time to share with them. I used to think it had to be a big production (manis/pedis! pro ball games!) but as you already know, just a quick grocery trip or a long car ride can be a great opportunity to connect. Maybe a better one, even. 

[MomOfABunch]

I agree that special time with individual or fewer kids is a must.  I don't have a set schedule for my 5, but I do make a point to spend time with them, without the others.  Having a schedule would stress me out and give me something else "to do."  However, I usually take one or two with me for errands, or if one needs something (shoes, supplies for a project, etc.).  Last week, I went to the store and only one wanted to go, so I just took him.  Last weekend, my teen needed a new bookshelf, so he and I went to Ikea together and my husband stayed home with the others.  Neither of those were a big deal at all, but it's nice to have some time with one without the others, especially the younger, noisier ones, vying for my attention!

 

I also have a teen that can babysit.  That makes a huge difference.

[domestic_engineer]

A veteran HSing mom once shared with me how she carved out time for each kid .........  She made sure to spend the afternoon with 1 kid on their birthday anniversary each month.  So if kid A was born on the 8th day of the month, then on Jan 8, Feb 8, March 8, April 8, etc she'd devote the afternoon to kid A. And if kid B was born not he 15th day of the month, then on Jan 15th, Feb 15th, March 15th, etc she'd devote the afternoon to kid B.

 

it worked for her, but I don't know if it'd actually work for me or for you.  But it's an idea!

[UnionJack]

We do "nights out" with our four, rotating through them one at a time (remembering by going from oldest to youngest). They always know who is up next with each parent (DH and I each have our own rotation) and we do them frequently... We want them to be happy for each others' blessings so although sometimes there's sadness/envy, it's an opportunity for them to practice experiencing joy through someone else's joy. And, it helps knowing that it also means it is one turn closer to it being his turn (we have four boys). DH typically takes them bowling or to an arcade and/or dinner (the boy for the most part gets to pick).... and I typically take them to a coffee shop to play games and have a treat and/or dinner.

 

We love the 1:1 time and think it benefits our boys and helps their dispositions.... Sometimes if one is having a period where he is being overly cranky or pesky with his brothers, etc, DH/I will comment, "he could use a night out..." And that focused time with the kid seems to be really helpful.

 

I also started 3 years ago doing (what they have dubbed) "special days" where I take them for a surprise day out. Once per child each year. They attend a private school and so we all get up and out of the house in uniforms (them) like usual, but then when we get to school, I ask whichever one I've planned to take out for the day, "Want to go out for breakfast?" or something similarly abnormal (since usually I'm giving them a hug and seeing them to their class). Their eyes light up and they ask, "Is it my special day?!" It's really cute. The first time I did it, the son who was first was so confused. It was great! He was the only one the whole idea was a surprise to:) Last year we planned each special day around a day DH could join us and he surprised each one at our first stop (the boys all kept that a secret)! We've done different things each year, including lunch out eating the boy's favorite type of food (e.g. Indian for one, breakfast for lunch for another, etc), choosing a game from a game store, riding the city's large ferris wheel, etc. It's a bit of a splurge but we kind of make a point to "spoil" them because they're not everyday sorts of things for us and they love it.

 

We spend lots of time together, the six of us, which I know they also love, but I think the alone time benefits them in so many ways.

Edited September 13, 2017 by UnionJack

[eternalsummer]

I just do it very informally - I take the baby everywhere (practically), and then often I take one other kid too.  I go out a lot for this and that.  We don't do anything fancy, but just that half hour of going out for a loaf of bread with Mom keeps the relationship existent.

[fralala]

I just want to respond to one thing that I didn't see mentioned yet.

 

Although it doesn't appeal to you, if your DH (who sounds like an amazing guy based upon this alone) is encouraging you to go out alone, and is volunteering to watch the kids, try it! Just once. You may hate it and never do it again. But if he is giving you that opportunity, just try a special Just You date where you do whatever you like to do, or once liked to do but no longer like to do because you are so devoted to your kids you don't even miss it, really. I mean, do something you don't even think is special, like go to the grocery store alone and listen to a podcast while shopping, or make a Target run alone.

 

I know you are just looking for ways to carve out more 1:1 time with the kids here, but if you can also find time to rediscover not just the mom you used to be, but the person you used to be before kids became your number one priority, you might just like it. Maybe. And even if you don't...the homecoming is so sweet, and your battery is recharged.

[Guest]

I just want to respond to one thing that I didn't see mentioned yet.

 

Although it doesn't appeal to you, if your DH (who sounds like an amazing guy based upon this alone) is encouraging you to go out alone, and is volunteering to watch the kids, try it! Just once. You may hate it and never do it again. But if he is giving you that opportunity, just try a special Just You date where you do whatever you like to do, or once liked to do but no longer like to do because you are so devoted to your kids you don't even miss it, really. I mean, do something you don't even think is special, like go to the grocery store alone and listen to a podcast while shopping, or make a Target run alone.

 

I know you are just looking for ways to carve out more 1:1 time with the kids here, but if you can also find time to rediscover not just the mom you used to be, but the person you used to be before kids became your number one priority, you might just like it. Maybe. And even if you don't...the homecoming is so sweet, and your battery is recharged.

Totally agree. When my kids were little, even when I still had nursing babies, I would do this. I would go to the library or the bookstore most times. Or sometimes I would just go to Panera and have a nice bowl of soup alone. I am introverted and very much need time apart from people, especially needy people, on a regular basis.

[heartlikealion]

Well dh generally takes ds with him on a weekly grocery store outing. Sometimes they do something like go to the movies (either before getting groceries or another day). Most Sundays I go to church with just ds. Dd and dh stay home (dd is a toddler and very hard to manage at church and dh isn't the same religion so he doesn't always come to church). After church ds and I might run an errand or get food. Now this time isn't as special as say, going to the movies or something, but it's at least some one on one time.

 

Several weeks ago I wanted the whole family to go to the museum for a Curious George exhibit. Dd was sick so just ds and I went. It was kinda nice doing something just the two of us.

 

A few days ago when dh and ds were both home I took dd out for a walk, just the two of us.

 

Most of the time dd is with us but we still try to do some fun things sometimes. A few days ago ds and I finally went to that comic book store we'd never been to. It was actually a bit out of my way but we finally got to check that off our list. I let him buy something, too even though sadly they didn't have any of the skinny comics. Just the thicker issues.

[domestic_engineer]

I just want to respond to one thing that I didn't see mentioned yet.

 

Although it doesn't appeal to you, if your DH (who sounds like an amazing guy based upon this alone) is encouraging you to go out alone, and is volunteering to watch the kids, try it! Just once. You may hate it and never do it again. But if he is giving you that opportunity, just try a special Just You date where you do whatever you like to do, or once liked to do but no longer like to do because you are so devoted to your kids you don't even miss it, really. I mean, do something you don't even think is special, like go to the grocery store alone and listen to a podcast while shopping, or make a Target run alone.

 

I know you are just looking for ways to carve out more 1:1 time with the kids here, but if you can also find time to rediscover not just the mom you used to be, but the person you used to be before kids became your number one priority, you might just like it. Maybe. And even if you don't...the homecoming is so sweet, and your battery is recharged.

An additional benefit to trying his idea *just once* is that he'll feel loved/appreciated/respected - because you tried his solution to your "problem."