Childcare while homeschooling JAWM

[Petrichor]

I have a 3rd grader. He needs to actually do schoolwork sometimes. 

 

3rd grader probably has ADD or ADHD. Getting a diagnosis isn't too important to us right now, because I'm fine with giving him whatever accommodations he needs.

 

DD is almost 2. Old enough to be a distraction, too young to stay in the toy section of the basement without trying to get us involved in her play or color for an extended period of time, but young enough for me to not feel comfortable closing her in a room by herself for 2+ hours.

 

We don't have a baby monitor, never needed/felt comfortable with one, and don't have a safe room for DD to stay in by herself anyways. And even if I did rearrange the house to make it possible to leave her alone, I'd still be running back and forth, and DS doesn't get anything done when I leave for 5 seconds. In fact, he does the opposite, he will start something new, and refuse to go back to the school task. 

 

I am very fortunate that my parents and my inlaws live in the same city as me. 5-10 min drive away. And they also like my kids enough to have them over and even babysit them. Great, thanks, love you - would love you even if you didn't want to watch them!

 

One day, back when I was at my wits end with DS's level of distraction and trying to figure out how to help him get some work done, I asked my mom if she would be able to watch DD in the morning while DS and I do school. "Yes, I love the darling, bring her over!" It was working well for DS's attention span, and it seemed like the baby was the #1 distraction causing problems with DS's schoolwork. Great! 

 

My mom seemed fine with watching her, so I would call her each morning to see if she was awake and wanted to watch DD. I'd even phrase it as "are you available to watch her?"

 

Some days she could, some days she couldn't, but if DD was there, DS had trouble with picking DD up and not staying at her house for 3+ hours, nearly always giving me trouble when it was time to go. 

 

Turns out, she felt taken advantage of. Ok. Fine. Then let me know! Please! 

 

So I stopped taking DD to my mom's. I looked into preschools (DD is too young) and considered daycare (feasible but $$) DH asked MIL if she could watch her for 2-3hrs/day. She wanted to. Great, DS can do school in relative peace!

 

Now, my mom is disappointed in me, thinks I'm a wreck because I can't/don't want to do school with DS while DD is there. Great. Thanks for letting me know. :/

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Well I know a bit how you feel. Most of us, though, don't have childcare options. A better choice could be using a movie, special playtime bins for her on the floor, or breaking your son's lessons up a hit by subject so you can switch between them. It's totally doable to homeschool with littles, even with special needs, but it often involves flexibility and getting a wee bit creative to make it work. I have a couple kids with distraction issues, one who I'm positive has moderate ADD, and it's a lot of breaking up the work and refocusing her to manage but it is doable and it does get better. Especially during naptime or when people are watching an iPad in the other room.

 

Hence why my older kids are finishing their language arts and history at 5:00 at night ;)

 

I'm sorry your mom bailed on you - it sounds like the miscommunication issues were hers, not yours, though. That's a bummer!

Edited September 8, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[Bambam]

It is tough to figure out a way to balance everyone's needs. And hard when people aren't 100% up front with you.

 

Just a heads up - once you figure out a good solution, something will change, and you will get to start trying to find a new solution all over again.  Although this seems horrible and depressing - it really is a blessing that your children are growing and developing - and it does model for them how to keep trying and modifying and being open to new ideas until you find something that works. And that is a great life skill to model for our children! 

[Jyhwkmama]

I have a special needs kid and I totally get this.

 

Seriously, I would just cough up the cash for daycare or to pay a mother's helper to play with your daughter in the basement.

[MedicMom]

I'm coughing up the cash for daycare. Both my mother and mother in law managed to homeschool multiple children without the use of day care, but I can't. My oldest is 2E and takes all my energy, my middle is thriving in public school and my youngest, who is 2, is hell bent on destroying everything in his path.

He starts day care three mornings a week on Monday.

 

You may be able to find someone who is willing to watch your toddler for a couple hours a day in their home for less than day care prices.

Edited September 8, 2017 by MedicMom

[LMD]

Ugh, I'm sorry. It would be so simple if people were clear and honest instead of passive aggressive. I hope your mom gets over it and the 'disappointment' fades.

 

Homeschooling with a 2 year old is hard, no question. Try to take some time to build a good routine with both kids, it will pay off!

[Artichoke]

Instead of taking dd to mom or mil could they come to your house instead?    This way ds could also see and spend time with them too.   It wouldn't be as distraction free, but you'd not have the travel time or an upset ds who wants to stay at grandma's house.   Grandma would also get to see both of the grands and maybe even spend a little time visiting with you.  You could maybe even have set days that each grandma comes to the house.   Best wishes to you!

Edited September 8, 2017 by Artichoke

[Garga]

When I had kids, my MIL very quietly and politely let me know that if I went back to work, she would not be a childcare option.  She didn't want there to be any misunderstandings about it.  Sure, she'd invite the kids over for time with Grandma, but she would not be a daily childcare provider. 

 

I can picture your mom cringing every morning when the phone would ring with you asking if she could watch your DD.  She probably never really wanted it to be a long-term thing, but she should have told you that.  For her to then turn it around to say that she felt taken advantage of wasn't nice at all.  It was a miscommunication on her part, not you taking advantage of her.

 

I wouldn't start going down that same path with your MIL.  

 

 

And as far as your mom thinking you're a wreck for not schooling with your DD there, I think that links back to her resentment over watching your DD when she secretly didn't want to.  She was put in the uncomfortable position of having to tell you she didn't want to babysit, and now she's twisting it back on you because she didn't like being uncomfortable:  to make herself feel better she's telling herself that you are the one who failed, because you are the one who doesn't want to homeschool with a 2 year old in the house.  So, all the discomfort was all your fault and not hers.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Garga

[Bluegoat]

That's too bad.

 

I think the thing with calling each day is - it seems like a one-off.  People might be happy to do that, even if they don't totally feel like it - they want to help out in a pinch.  But if they are going to be asked a few times a week - that's a little different - you kind of want to know ahead of time that is what the arrangement will be.

 

If your MIL is happy for a more regular thing, that's great.

[MotherGoose]

I'm completely sympathetic here. I just hired a lady to come for six hours a week to sit with toddler. I am eternally,h thankful to her and both for the ability to pay her. Relatives are not an option due to distance.

[meganrussell]

Maybe your mom could watch her once or twice a week, your MIL once or twice a week, and you could keep her home the rest and try to Homeschool with her there. Maybe one or both would be willing to come to your house once or twice a week to sit with dd.

[SereneHome]

Well, I know I wouldn't like daily phone calls.  I would have preferred ONE sit-down conversation that spelled out all or at least some of the details. 

 

To me, daily phone calls mean "I am in a pinch, again" or "I can't handle something today, again", while one conversation would mean "I would like to give son consistent uninterrupted time - I need X hours daily, are you available?"

 

Basically, one is planned and thought out, the other - I am panicking and need your help NOW.  And if I was getting daily phone calls that I thought were like that  - I would have felt that I am the last minute solution to what seems to be a constant problem.

 

 

ETA:  around here some women get "mother's helpers"  who come to their house to play with the kids who are not school age yet.  I think it's cheaper than actual day care

Edited September 9, 2017 by SereneHome

[Artichoke]

Well, I know I wouldn't like daily phone calls.  I would have preferred ONE sit-down conversation that spelled out all or at least some of the details. 

 

To me, daily phone calls mean "I am in a pinch, again" or "I can't handle something today, again", while one conversation would mean "I would like to give son consistent uninterrupted time - I need X hours daily, are you available?"

 

Basically, one is planned and thought out, the other - I am panicking and need your help NOW.  And if I was getting daily phone calls that I thought were like that  - I would have felt that I am the last minute solution to what seems to be a constant problem.

 

 

ETA:  around here some women get "mother's helpers"  who come to their house to play with the kids who are not school age yet.  I think it's cheaper than actual day care

 

 

Yes, this.  I wasn't sure how to explain this, but you did it well.  I'm a grandmother who helps with childcare for my grandchildren while DIL goes to college classes.  We have a weekly routine of when I have the grands.  I'm the grandma who is in town and not working except for tutorial classes and subbing.  When the kids are out of school for breaks, their other grandma usually has them for part of the time, and I have them for the other.  DIL does a wonderful of asking in advance and getting  things on the calendar.   Personally, I think asking in advance and having a set schedule/routine is what makes our situation work so well  Best wishes as you find what works for you and yours!

[Catwoman]

That's too bad.

 

I think the thing with calling each day is - it seems like a one-off. People might be happy to do that, even if they don't totally feel like it - they want to help out in a pinch. But if they are going to be asked a few times a week - that's a little different - you kind of want to know ahead of time that is what the arrangement will be.

 

If your MIL is happy for a more regular thing, that's great.

:iagree:

 

I know this is a JAWM thread, but I can understand why your mom felt like she was being taken advantage of, if you were calling her every morning to see if she was up and to see if she was available to babysit. If she wasn't awake, the phone would have woken her, right? That's annoying! And it was probably also uncomfortable for her to feel like she had to come up with an excuse on the days she didn't feel like babysitting. It makes perfect sense to me that she assumed she would be helping you out occasionally, not that you would be asking on a daily basis.

 

If you need babysitting on a daily basis or even a few days a week every week, you should probably be paying someone for that service, whether it's your mom, your MIL, or someone else. I don't think it's fair to ask for free child care on a regular basis.

[Artichoke]

:iagree:

 

I know this is a JAWM thread, but I can understand why your mom felt like she was being taken advantage of, if you were calling her every morning to see if she was up and to see if she was available to babysit. If she wasn't awake, the phone would have woken her, right? That's annoying! And it was probably also uncomfortable for her to feel like she had to come up with an excuse on the days she didn't feel like babysitting. It makes perfect sense to me that she assumed she would be helping you out occasionally, not that you would be asking on a daily basis.

 

If you need babysitting on a daily basis or even a few days a week every week, you should probably be paying someone for that service, whether it's your mom, your MIL, or someone else. I don't think it's fair to ask for free child care on a regular basis.

 

 

Slightly disagreeing here.  There are grandparents who are okay with babysitting for no pay.   DH and I are fortunate to be in a financial position where we don't need the money.  Sometimes that bothers our dc so we compromise on taking the grands somewhere when we're babysitting and  letting the dc pay for the outing.    It does get more complicated though when a grandparent needs the money, especially when they won't take the pay.  Personally, I think it's totally acceptable for a grandparent to accept pay for babysitting if that's either the agreement or the need. 

[Petrichor]

Yeah, I get what you all are saying about how the daily phone calls come across to her. I asked her about it before I started leaving her, and her answer was "sure! I can watch her, if I'm awake and home!" Phone calls didn't wake her either. But if she doesn't want to watch her, that's fine with me. She's afraid that saying "no, I can't watch her anymore" means "I don't love her." Which, of course, it doesn't. 

 

I guess my first post wasn't clear. After I figured out that my mom didn't want to watch her anymore, I was looking into daycare options, and DH suggested asking his mom. DD goes to his mom's house daily now. She's there for much shorter, because the DS doesn't insist on staying over there for 3-4hrs after school time, and if DS does stay there for a little bit, MIL has no problem encouraging him to leave.

 

My mom, on the other hand, pulls the "oh let them stay" thing, when I say I need to go home to cook or clean, or need to go grocery shopping - and then they play on the computer, are given all the sweets and they never want to leave.

 

Also, if MIL has plans for the day, she has no problem telling me she can't babysit that day or needs DD to get picked up earlier than usual. One week, she had a lot of work to do, and told me she couldn't watch DD. Totally fine.

 

Since it isn't easy for me to get the kids to leave my mother's house, and she doesn't want them over indefinitely, we haven't been going over there as much this past month. So she asks me why not. And I stand there thinking "really, like, you don't get why not?" I'm not trying to be vindictive. I can't control my kids when they are at her house. So our only option is to not be there so often, right? That way, she doesn't feel stepped on, but now she's acting like I am preventing her from seeing her grandkids. :/

 

And then she asked DS why they haven't been coming. And he told her "mom said you're busy." And she's outraged at that. She's never too busy for her grandchildren, apparently. Well, the week I told him this, she was busy doing something (or at least, told me so). And she's believing DS over me; acting like I'm trying to turn him against her.

[Catwoman]

Slightly disagreeing here. There are grandparents who are okay with babysitting for no pay. DH and I are fortunate to be in a financial position where we don't need the money. Sometimes that bothers our dc so we compromise on taking the grands somewhere when we're babysitting and letting the dc pay for the outing. It does get more complicated though when a grandparent needs the money, especially when they won't take the pay. Personally, I think it's totally acceptable for a grandparent to accept pay for babysitting if that's either the agreement or the need.

I think it's fine if the grandparents offer to babysit for free, but I still think it's best to at least offer to pay when it's going to be a daily responsibility. In your situation, it sounds like your dc would be willing to pay you, but because you don't need or want the money, they try to do other things to show their appreciation, which I think is very nice.

[Petrichor]

Slightly disagreeing here.  There are grandparents who are okay with babysitting for no pay.   DH and I are fortunate to be in a financial position where we don't need the money.  Sometimes that bothers our dc so we compromise on taking the grands somewhere when we're babysitting and  letting the dc pay for the outing.    It does get more complicated though when a grandparent needs the money, especially when they won't take the pay.  Personally, I think it's totally acceptable for a grandparent to accept pay for babysitting if that's either the agreement or the need. 

 

I am pretty sure my mother wouldn't have accepted any pay from us. That would make her feel uncomfortable. I've handed them money for things that I've asked them to order for us, and they wouldn't take it. 

 

I was (am) fine with paying for daycare for DD. But we aren't because MIL wants to watch her. DH does pay MIL an allowance - it's a cultural thing. If they didn't still have kids living with them, they would be living with us.

 

The part that bugs me the most is that my mom thinks(or at least, says) that it is wrong for me to have anyone helping me with caring for DD during DS's lessons and that it is a shame that I can't juggle both things at once.  

[Petrichor]

I know I tend to be wordy, and over-explain things, but what happened to this being a JAWM?  :huh:

[rebbyribs]

I know I tend to be wordy, and over-explain things, but what happened to this being a JAWM?  :huh:

 

Total sympathy on the trying to homeschool an easily distracted 3rd grader with an almost-2-year-old in the mix!  BTDT and doing it again with the next set of 3rd graders and toddler  :willy_nilly:

 

And I've certainly had miscommunication and hurt feelings with my mom, although not the same sorts of issues as she lives on the other side of the country and we only see her a couple times a year.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yeah, I get what you all are saying about how the daily phone calls come across to her. I asked her about it before I started leaving her, and her answer was "sure! I can watch her, if I'm awake and home!" Phone calls didn't wake her either. But if she doesn't want to watch her, that's fine with me. She's afraid that saying "no, I can't watch her anymore" means "I don't love her." Which, of course, it doesn't.

 

I guess my first post wasn't clear. After I figured out that my mom didn't want to watch her anymore, I was looking into daycare options, and DH suggested asking his mom. DD goes to his mom's house daily now. She's there for much shorter, because the DS doesn't insist on staying over there for 3-4hrs after school time, and if DS does stay there for a little bit, MIL has no problem encouraging him to leave.

 

My mom, on the other hand, pulls the "oh let them stay" thing, when I say I need to go home to cook or clean, or need to go grocery shopping - and then they play on the computer, are given all the sweets and they never want to leave.

 

Also, if MIL has plans for the day, she has no problem telling me she can't babysit that day or needs DD to get picked up earlier than usual. One week, she had a lot of work to do, and told me she couldn't watch DD. Totally fine.

 

Since it isn't easy for me to get the kids to leave my mother's house, and she doesn't want them over indefinitely, we haven't been going over there as much this past month. So she asks me why not. And I stand there thinking "really, like, you don't get why not?" I'm not trying to be vindictive. I can't control my kids when they are at her house. So our only option is to not be there so often, right? That way, she doesn't feel stepped on, but now she's acting like I am preventing her from seeing her grandkids. :/

 

And then she asked DS why they haven't been coming. And he told her "mom said you're busy." And she's outraged at that. She's never too busy for her grandchildren, apparently. Well, the week I told him this, she was busy doing something (or at least, told me so). And she's believing DS over me; acting like I'm trying to turn him against her.

That is manipulation. You need to be direct. "Mom, we have found a childcare option that works for us. If we need to supplement that childcare I will call you. ". I would expect to hear more manipulation at that. But I would be firm but polite in repeating that.

 

I would also set up a time to visit your mom with the kids perhaps weekly or whatever works for you. Unless she is dangerous or harmful to your children I would try to give her some grandma time. But I would keep that time separate from the school childcare.

[Artichoke]

I am pretty sure my mother wouldn't have accepted any pay from us. That would make her feel uncomfortable. I've handed them money for things that I've asked them to order for us, and they wouldn't take it. 

 

I was (am) fine with paying for daycare for DD. But we aren't because MIL wants to watch her. DH does pay MIL an allowance - it's a cultural thing. If they didn't still have kids living with them, they would be living with us.

 

The part that bugs me the most is that my mom thinks(or at least, says) that it is wrong for me to have anyone helping me with caring for DD during DS's lessons and that it is a shame that I can't juggle both things at once.  

 

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I distinctly remember my own mom telling me that I chose to homeschool so I could just deal with it.   Thankfully, it sounds like your MIL is understanding.    

[Forget-Me-Not]

Yeah, I get what you all are saying about how the daily phone calls come across to her. I asked her about it before I started leaving her, and her answer was "sure! I can watch her, if I'm awake and home!" Phone calls didn't wake her either. But if she doesn't want to watch her, that's fine with me. She's afraid that saying "no, I can't watch her anymore" means "I don't love her." Which, of course, it doesn't. 

 

I guess my first post wasn't clear. After I figured out that my mom didn't want to watch her anymore, I was looking into daycare options, and DH suggested asking his mom. DD goes to his mom's house daily now. She's there for much shorter, because the DS doesn't insist on staying over there for 3-4hrs after school time, and if DS does stay there for a little bit, MIL has no problem encouraging him to leave.

 

My mom, on the other hand, pulls the "oh let them stay" thing, when I say I need to go home to cook or clean, or need to go grocery shopping - and then they play on the computer, are given all the sweets and they never want to leave.

 

Also, if MIL has plans for the day, she has no problem telling me she can't babysit that day or needs DD to get picked up earlier than usual. One week, she had a lot of work to do, and told me she couldn't watch DD. Totally fine.

 

Since it isn't easy for me to get the kids to leave my mother's house, and she doesn't want them over indefinitely, we haven't been going over there as much this past month. So she asks me why not. And I stand there thinking "really, like, you don't get why not?" I'm not trying to be vindictive. I can't control my kids when they are at her house. So our only option is to not be there so often, right? That way, she doesn't feel stepped on, but now she's acting like I am preventing her from seeing her grandkids. :/

 

And then she asked DS why they haven't been coming. And he told her "mom said you're busy." And she's outraged at that. She's never too busy for her grandchildren, apparently. Well, the week I told him this, she was busy doing something (or at least, told me so). And she's believing DS over me; acting like I'm trying to turn him against her.

So what you're saying is . . . you can't win.  If you ask her, she's feels like you're taking advantage.  If you don't ask her, you're keeping her from your grandkids.

 

I know this is JAWM, but I was really cringing at the part where you said you were calling *every day* "to see if she was awake" (so if she wasn't, did you wake her???) and if she was available.  That would be enough to get me twitching every time my phone rang.  Perhaps the solution is to set up a regular time with her, maybe something that butts up against another activity, so you can say, "No, sorry, we can't say, we have piano (or whatever) this afternoon."  Or maybe she's sort of expecting you to be the "bad guy" and tell your son that no, he can't stay, even when she's saying he can.  

 

There's a weird dynamic here.  I sort of get the impression that she's a little manipulative.  You may just have to draw firm boundaries, smile sweetly, and let her feelings be hurt sometimes.  Remember that the alternative doesn't win you any points either.  

Edited September 9, 2017 by Forget-me-not

[GoodGrief]

Your mom is probably feeling a little guilt that she didn't want to watch your daughter every day, but now the other grandma has agreed.

 

I don't think you have done anything wrong, honestly. I don't understand why your mom wasn't being direct sooner and telling you to stop asking for childcare every day, if she wasn't really into it. That's on her, in my opinion.

 

And if other grandma wants time with your daughter, that's awesome! It won't be forever. They will have some special memories.

 

You are doing fine. Don't worry another minute about this.

[Catwoman]

I am pretty sure my mother wouldn't have accepted any pay from us. That would make her feel uncomfortable. I've handed them money for things that I've asked them to order for us, and they wouldn't take it.

 

I was (am) fine with paying for daycare for DD. But we aren't because MIL wants to watch her. DH does pay MIL an allowance - it's a cultural thing. If they didn't still have kids living with them, they would be living with us.

 

The part that bugs me the most is that my mom thinks(or at least, says) that it is wrong for me to have anyone helping me with caring for DD during DS's lessons and that it is a shame that I can't juggle both things at once.

Could your mom be feeling a little jealous now that your dd is spending so much time with your MIL?

 

I can't think of any other reason -- it sounds like your mom doesn't want to babysit, but she doesn't like the idea of your MIL babysitting, either. Could your mom be worried that your dd will start to prefer your MIL over her?

[LMD]

Yeah, I hate the passive aggressive martyr game. What would happen if you said, exasperatedly "mom, what exactly are you envisioning here? How often and under what circumstances do you want to see us/the kids?"

(My mum would go all super sulky and vicious, which is why we don't see her anymore. Your relationship is hopefully better and so getting it out in the open might help?)

[heartlikealion]

school is so hard for me for similar reasons! Every few seconds dd is asking me to look at what she built, drew, etc. You have my sympathies.

 

This is not necessarily helpful to your situation, but we do some schooling when dh is home (or he does it with ds) and we started having a college student do some school with ds a couple nights a week. We are paying her in food lol. That's what she wants, anyway. Part of our curriculum is online so when ds is on the computer I'm with dd. But that's only good if he's understanding the online lesson.

[Bluegoat]

It might be that your mom wants to help. but it was just too much time for her.  She also might feel guilty which makes people behave oddly.  It sounds like the arrangement you have now is great, I'd just try and make sure your mom has some occasions to "help" too, and see her grandkids.  Go see a movie or something adult and fun.

[maize]

It sounds to me like your mother has a difficult time determining and enforcing her own boundaries.

 

I'm not sure what the deal is with her trying to guilt you about needing child care. Whatever it is though is her issue not yours.

[kiwik]

I think it was all a misunderstanding. Perhaps you just need to sit down and talk. Maybe each grandma could do one day a week and you could employ someone for another.

[desertstrawberry5]

It sounds to me like your mom wants visits but not child care. I think that's reasonable. That's what my in-laws wanted and we did our best to make time for that.

Would you and your mom like to have a standing date? Wednesday afternoons or whatever?

 

I understand about unclear expectations. My mil would always tell me to call her when I needed a break or needed some time away. I never did. I was in school, and spent enough time away. So I never asked. What she really wanted was time with my kid. If she had asked i would have happily dropped him off. But she didn't say it that way , so I didn't know.

Edited September 9, 2017 by desertstrawberry5

[desertstrawberry5]

P.S. Many of us have/ are managing difficult kids and toddlers. We have tons of advice and ideas of you want it.

[heartlikealion]

Maybe you can tell your mom directly that it's hard to get the kids to leave so when you come over there could she please not offer them sweets, encourage them to stay, etc. She may need a direct answer. Since she didn't get a direct answer she asked your ds. At least, that's how I interpreted this.

 

My MIL watches her other grandchildren every day. She picks them up from school and they stay til Mom picks them up. She makes sure they do their homework and gives them snacks. She watches them all summer, too. Personally, from an outside perspective, I do think she's taken advantage of. I think she stocks her house full of snacks and such. She spends her gas money waiting in car pick up lines daily. So just be mindful that even if your MIL agreed to do it she may deserve some compensation.

[Bluegoat]

Maybe you can tell your mom directly that it's hard to get the kids to leave so when you come over there could she please not offer them sweets, encourage them to stay, etc. She may need a direct answer. Since she didn't get a direct answer she asked your ds. At least, that's how I interpreted this.

 

My MIL watches her other grandchildren every day. She picks them up from school and they stay til Mom picks them up. She makes sure they do their homework and gives them snacks. She watches them all summer, too. Personally, from an outside perspective, I do think she's taken advantage of. I think she stocks her house full of snacks and such. She spends her gas money waiting in car pick up lines daily. So just be mindful that even if your MIL agreed to do it she may deserve some compensation.

 

That's good advice, but the OP mentioned her MIL gets an allowance from the dh for cultural reasons.  It may be that helping out is the other side of that particular cultural tradition.

[heartlikealion]

That's good advice, but the OP mentioned her MIL gets an allowance from the dh for cultural reasons.  It may be that helping out is the other side of that particular cultural tradition.

 

Hm I forgot about that. And maybe compensation was the wrong word. I just meant do extra things for her. Give her a treat now and then or pick up groceries for her or whatever. You know, something to make her life easier and show gratitude. Plus when she said that the MIL wanted to I didn't know if the MIL really wanted to so much as simply agreed to lol.

 

[Rosika]

:grouphug:

 

I feel like with moms, sometimes you just can't win.

 

And I'd feel disappointed that my mom wouldn't have just said something to me. Even if she were trying to play nice, I'd feel hurt that she couldn't be honest about feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of, if that was the case. Then I'd be irritated that the was mad at me for not picking up on something she never clued me into. Like, I'm all emotional from postpartum hormones, but it'd make me question our entire relationship that my mom couldn't just say, "Hey. I didn't mean every day." Or even that she could feel overwhelmed, herself, at having one child but then question my feeling the same way with both kids home WHILE homeschooling. So all that to say that I'm sorry. I empathize greatly. 

 

When my older kids were younger, our set-up was similar to yours. My family were openly against homeschooling, which didn't help. We lived with my parents for 5 years, so the oldest kids still considered that home as "one" of theirs. My parents kept the kids' rooms, etc. So getting them to leave took, like, an hour. I'm not going to lie, my kids are now teens and adults and it still takes them a good 30 minutes to get out of the door at my parents' house. Drives me NUTS. They still never want to leave! So, good luck with that part and if you find any secrets - do share. LOL

 

I think the idea of a set, rotating schedule would be perfect. One grandma each takes a day, a standing day that they can plan around. If you need that third day, a mother's helper comes into the home, at least until the baby is old enough for preschool. This sounds like it'd be great for developing family relationships, everyone would know ahead of time what expectations were, and you'd have some respite. I hope you guys figure out a solution that works for everyone. I hate when little misunderstandings like this put a damper on relationships.  :sad:

 

 

[Petrichor]

That's good advice, but the OP mentioned her MIL gets an allowance from the dh for cultural reasons.  It may be that helping out is the other side of that particular cultural tradition.

 

Yes, it's not just an allowance, there's way more open family relationship than just that. We help them out, they help us out, and nobody expects to get something in return for each good deed.

 

I think it's more like they consider us part of their nuclear family and vice versa, and everyone just helps out however they can and whenever they are needed.

[heartlikealion]

Yes, it's not just an allowance, there's way more open family relationship than just that. We help them out, they help us out, and nobody expects to get something in return for each good deed.

 

I think it's more like they consider us part of their nuclear family and vice versa, and everyone just helps out however they can and whenever they are needed.

 

I think doing something out of the norm long-term is more than just a deed here and there. That is why I was suggesting a special way to show thanks or to make it easier. I don't think my MIL expects something for what she does, either... but I just think doing extra is nice and can go a long way.

[KungFuPanda]

I'll bet your mom loved the idea of watching your dd so much, but the reality was a little exhausting especially considering a pick up that dragged 3-4 hours. I'm sure she enjoyed the time with the kids, but so much open ended time was more than she could happily absorb. Now it has to sting a bit that MIL is getting that time without the tacked-on 3 hour pick up. I'd throw her a bone, give her one day a week, and usher your kids out the door after DS gets 20-30 min of grandma time.

 

It's good you were smart enough to ask for help. SO MANY homeschoolers would let the schooling suffer before outsourcing toddler care. This is a season and kudos to you for keeping school up to par while you work your way through it. When you only have two kids, efficient homeschooling with a toddler really isn't a skill you HAVE to master if it can be avoided. It should get easier when she's older and you won't need so much support.

[fralala]

Almost 2 is a difficult age.

 

For moms and grannies alike!

 

I have a mother who makes very judgmental comments, too, but given that she's my mom and I was there!!! for my entire childhood, I take them with a grain of salt and note them down as Things Never To Say To My Own Children. ("I don't understand why any mother wouldn't want to spend every moment with her own children," is one of them. I mean, that was so hilarious it wins a prize, and I think your mom's unwillingness to identify with you-- My goodness, keeping a toddler safely occupied is a big challenge, and I don't want to do it every day, either! I have other things I need or want to do, too-- goes in a similar category. But here's the thing...and you don't have to answer...do/did you have any silent judgments about her for being a grandmother who didn't want to be around her grandchild for just a few hours daily? Because if I've inherited one thing from my mom, it's my impulse to judge when I'm feeling unhappy with a situation, rather than to accept and reflect. Or, even if you didn't judge, if she is a judgmental person, she was likely already bristling defensively against potential invisible judgments. In any case, what I'm trying to say is, I hope you don't her judgment hurt you because you're in a position many of us share. It's not easy, and it is temporary.)

[Melissa in Australia]

P.S. Many of us have/ are managing difficult kids and toddlers. We have tons of advice and ideas of you want it.

I agree. Many kids here. Homeschooled them all, all but 2 have special needs. My Twins especially have very high complex needs. If they were in a school they would qualify for aids.

[mytwomonkeys]

Sorry that happened. Miscommunication really stinks. I know this is JAWM thread, but I was wondering about the days you have both children if your little one still takes a nap? When my kids were small it worked well to do the three 3's with my daughter during my son's nap time and I could often do any educational videos, computer learning, or sometimes read-alouds or even crafts when he was awake. Just wondering if nap time was an option. Hugs.

[Petrichor]

P.S. Many of us have/ are managing difficult kids and toddlers. We have tons of advice and ideas of you want it.

 

Yeah, I tried that first, and did read a whole bunch of threads on how to manage toddlers. It was very hard, school wasn't getting done, and we considered putting DS in school. 

 

Now that it's not a day after day thing - schooling with DD around, I CAN do school with DS while DD is home. It's just much more difficult, and not usually a positive learning experience for DS. 

 

Sorry that happened. Miscommunication really stinks. I know this is JAWM thread, but I was wondering about the days you have both children if your little one still takes a nap? When my kids were small it worked well to do the three 3's with my daughter during my son's nap time and I could often do any educational videos, computer learning, or sometimes read-alouds or even crafts when he was awake. Just wondering if nap time was an option. Hugs.

 

DD naps in the afternoon, or sometimes not at all. And that's my rest time, if I don't get it, my patience runs out. It's also way past the time that DS has an ounce of interest in doing any schoolwork. 

[StephanieZ]

Your mom is out of line in her criticism. That's unfair and unkind, IMHO. 

 

Do whatever works for your family, and don't sweat the critics (even if they're your mom!)

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

Personally, the only real "school" we ever used was when my eldest was 2 1/2 - 3 1/2, she went to an ADORABLE "2 day 2s" preschool. It was 3 hours, two mornings a week, 8-10 kids and 2 wonderful teachers, who ONLY worked those two mornings and were SAHM the rest of the time. The kids were all home-full-time kids except for those 2 mornings a week, It wasn't a daycare that offered part-day (which I would NOT want, all those worn out teachers and worn out kids!) It was simply lovely. They played and did crafts and played dress up and just had a wonderful time. Essentially, it was a 2 hour I used those two mornings to do all the doctor appointments for my newborn and my post-pregnancy self, and to do my shopping/errands/etc. 

 

If you could find something like that for 2-3 mornings a week, that might be fantabulous, so keep on the lookout for next year. 

 

I've always lived far out of town, so something like that wouldn't have been very helpful for me for homeschooling, but if I lived close to a good preschool, I'd totally have considered it 2-3 mornings a week for my toddler(s) while I was schooling an older kid. Keeping a 2 year old entertained and out of trouble is rough!

 

Hang in there. 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Yeah, I tried that first, and did read a whole bunch of threads on how to manage toddlers. It was very hard, school wasn't getting done, and we considered putting DS in school.

 

Now that it's not a day after day thing - schooling with DD around, I CAN do school with DS while DD is home. It's just much more difficult, and not usually a positive learning experience for DS.

 

 

DD naps in the afternoon, or sometimes not at all. And that's my rest time, if I don't get it, my patience runs out. It's also way past the time that DS has an ounce of interest in doing any schoolwork.

I feel ya. I've read all the threads too. Still absolutely crazymaking. If I had a relative in town willing to watch ds I'd be on it like white on rice.

[heartlikealion]

I feel ya. I've read all the threads too. Still absolutely crazymaking. If I had a relative in town willing to watch ds I'd be on it like white on rice.

 

For real. I know someone with a toddler the same age as mine. They are not alike in public. Very diverse behavior at library events. We both have boys in the same grade and she said she homeschools when her toddler naps. I told her mine doesn't even nap daily. Lol

[Ausmumof3]

I resorted to iPad time to get it done.

 

It's tough. Unless your mum homeschooled she probably just didn't realise.

[Guest]

Sorry. I have an awkward relationship with my mom and interactions could never just be "normal." It was always some weird kind of drama. Now she won't call me at all, yet when I call her, she gushes about how nice it is to hear from me. It drives me bananas.

 

I also understand having a very difficult toddler. BTDT. I did have paid childcare help at one time for a year of so, although the purpose was slightly different because I had WAH employment, too.

[Guest]

Yes, it's not just an allowance, there's way more open family relationship than just that. We help them out, they help us out, and nobody expects to get something in return for each good deed.

 

I think it's more like they consider us part of their nuclear family and vice versa, and everyone just helps out however they can and whenever they are needed.

 

 

The bolded is the same for my inlaws. It's nice, but it's so different.

 

And I totally know what you mean about your mom. I can just picture it. We live far from family now, and lived *very* far from family for six years.... My mother did us a favor last year and I was so grateful. I told everyone how nice it was. Well, a few months later she lashed out at me about how she DID! SOMETHING! FOR! ME! and, at the time, she was *so* enthusiastic about doing the favor. I can't read minds, but I do understand English, so if there's something that needs to be changed or something wrong or whatever MOTHER, you have to open your mouth and speak! If we lived close by I know for sure it would be the same situation of her insisting I let the kids stay longer, then complaining at some point that my kids are there too much. I'm making her sound horrible--she is not! but when it comes to stuff like this, she's maximally aggravating!

 

Plus I think she kind of takes stuff out on me because she feels like she can. But I digress :nopity:

 

OTH, my MIL and SIL and FIL just....they just jump in and help. They're like that with each other, with us, with friends, with their own brothers and sisters, with co-workers.... They have other flaws, like anyone, but when it comes to saying what they can do, and what they are willing to do, and then doing things they are absolute tops. And if they can NOT help for any reason, it's NBD. We're all grown ups.

 

 

It's totally lame that your ma didn't just open her mouth and speak, and I totally agree with you that her opinion about how easy things "should" be with a toddler is whack.