My sister has stage 3 breast cancer

[SeaConquest]

She is 40, a single mother (her ex douchebag walked out on her when she was 5 months pregnant), with 2 young children (ages 3 and 6). She is having chemo before surgery, and will need assistance.

 

What can I expect during the chemo? How can I be a help to her? I don't yet know if the chemo will be every 2 or 3 weeks. Should I stay for the entire duration of her treatment (likely 3 to 6 months), or just when she has treatments? If you have been through this, what do you wish you had known? We have no history of breast cancer in our family, so this has been a shock for all of us.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice, and prayers for her.

Edited December 20, 2016 by SeaConquest

[Guest]

I don't have any experience with this (thank God) but I am so sorry for this news.  :0(  (((SeaConquest)))  (SeaConquest Sister)))

 

Lord have mercy on all who suffer in this crisis.  

 

[AimeeM]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I have no advice, but sending prayers and hugs :(

[ikslo]

No advice, but :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

She is 40, a single mother (her ex douchebag walked out on her when she was 5 months pregnant), with 2 young children (ages 3 and 6). She is having chemo before surgery, and will need assistance.

 

What can I expect during the chemo? How can I be a help to her? I don't yet know if the chemo will be every 2 or 3 weeks. Should I stay for the entire duration of her treatment (likely 3 to 6 months), or just when she has treatments? If you have been through this, what do you wish you had known? We have no history of breast cancer in our family, so this has been a shock for all of us.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice, and prayers for her.

The worst side effects are usually a few days, at least, after treatment. This varies by individual, and type of chemo used.

 

You won't know right away how much help she will need. So I'd plan for just in case you are needed the whole time, if that is possible. She will definitely need help post surgery for some time.

[quark]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I hope you receive some answers soon. Sending her the strongest healing vibes I can.

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[SeaConquest]

The worst side effects are usually a few days, at least, after treatment. This varies by individual, and type of chemo used.

 

You won't know right away how much help she will need. So I'd plan for just in case you are needed the whole time, if that is possible. She will definitely need help post surgery for some time.

Thank you. Worst case, my oldest (who I homeschool) and I can stay the entire time. My husband would stay here with my little one (who is in preschool). Thankfully, my inlaws are snowbirds, and will be in town until April to help my husband.

[Arcadia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

My uncles (three of my aunts' husbands), my aunt and my nephew had cancer. They needed home assistance at some point or another. Theirs were leukemia, colon cancer and liver cancer. So be prepared to stay the whole duration if you could.

 

I followed Robin Roberts breast cancer story on GMA (Good Morning America). Robin explained quite a bit about breast cancer and her treatments on GMA. Amy Robach of GMA also had breast cancer. Link is what Amy said about her experience with battling breast cancer, the hair loss and memory loss and how work helped distract her from worrying all the time about her cancer.

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/amy-robach-good-morning-america-details-breast-cancer-battle-article-1.1839892

Edited December 20, 2016 by Arcadia

[LMD]

I am so sorry. I know the shock, my little sister was diagnosed with it last year at 29. No family history either.

She did remarkably well through the treatments but had her partner there to help care. Our mother stayed with her for a few days around the chemo appointments in the beginning. By the end of chemo she was quite frail. Treatment went for a long time, over a year, most of which she couldn't work during, and she's still doing once a week endocrine treatment (I think that's what it is called)

 

I'm very sorry, hugs to you and your sister.

Edited December 20, 2016 by LMD

[snowbeltmom]

No advice, but  :grouphug: . 

[creekland]

:grouphug: and prayers from here.  The only experience I have with bc has been via co-workers, including the person I'm going in for now.  Her chemo is every third week, but she had surgery first and is not as high a stage as your sister.  Her worst times come from Wed - Mon the weeks she has chemo (hers is on Monday), but with each treatment she's feeling ill sooner and tired longer.  That pretty much matches the other two co-workers I know about.

 

As a heads up... the mental part of a serious issue can be worse than the physical part at times - much worse.  With that it's really tough to know what to say or do as each individual is different and when we're feeling bad mentally I think our brains are programmed to not like much of anything one does.  I encourage you to try hard to figure your sister's likes and appreciations out (adapt to her) and not get mad if she's out of character often (from sad to angry) due to being mentally overwhelmed.  Pleasant distractions that can refocus the mind are like gold.  Play games.  Go out and look at (new) things.

 

Do NOT do everything for her if she wants to do things.  Feeling helpless hasn't helped anyone I know, and it makes the mental part worse.  Of course, if she wants you to do something for her (laundry, kid care, etc), then feel free to do it, but don't assume she can't or force her not to while you do it.

[luuknam]

Are her kids in school/daycare? I'm just not sure having your oldest around all day would be a good thing. I assume it wouldn't make much of a difference when her kids are there, but she might appreciate not having a young kid around all the time.

[Penguin]

Hugs to your family. I had Stage 1 BC 10 years ago at age 41, and found great comfort in a local support group for young diagnosed women. Just want to let you know that two of the ladies I met there had Stage III and both are doing just fine more than a decade later.

[Selkie]

I'm so sorry.   :grouphug:

[Guest]

From the folks i know with bc:

 

stage three is not a death sentence

 

Help is needed with childcare, as daily living chores take most energy.

Playground outings and ecs are hard as she gets further in to treatment, if she develops an infection, or her brain is affected.

 

She needs to eat well.

 

She should see her dentist. Her immunity is lower during chemo, and infections will present themselves, possibly delaying a round of chemo. Good oral health is important.

 

You might consider genetic testing for yourself.

 

People with pnuemonia, etc should not be visiting while her immunity is low. Some don't understand and she may find herself needing a bouncer.

 

The children will have questions and need to know they will be okay. Their teachers should be aware of the situation.

[mumto2]

:grouphug: How far away from your sister does your family live?

 

If you are her main support I would try to attend the initial consultation with the oncologist so you also know what to expect with the drugs that your sister will be given.

 

For my mom(at 94) who was part of an experimental study with drugs and protocols, we were told that there was a good chance the effects would be mild. Which is why she insisted on trying it. They were until the 5th treatment but after that it was terrible, so terrible she quit. Mainly due to her age and quality of life issues. She died last summer but due to a fall. Not cancer related, as far as we know the surgery plus the completed chemo worked. On a side note...One of the girls (neighbour growing up) she did her treatments with was in her early 40's and for her the side effects hit even sooner but because she was younger and an athlete the effects weren't as traumatic. She appeared to handle it better and was having a few good days before the next treatment.

 

With a different protocol a good friend here had the one bad week/ one good week which seems to be more typical. Her husband(great guy) went to the initial oncologist meeting and all the subsequent ones. He took great notes and followed all the tips that he could. A big one was he made her buy her wig before she started the treatment. Hair loss was a huge huge thing for my friend and my mom. My mom was told hair loss was unlikely but in reality was pretty common so no wig before, unfortunately. My friend was told it would happen. My friend has had huge personality changes which still exist so be prepared.

[StaceyinLA]

I don't have personal experience with this, but I do have a close friend who is currently in treatment for Stage 3/4 breast cancer and she is doing very well. I will pray for your sister, and you as you help her walk through this.

[Kassia]

No advice, but sending big hugs.   :grouphug:

[Annie G]

:grouphug:

[mommyoffive]

I don't have any advice.  I am just sending all my prayers to her.

[SeaConquest]

Thank you all for the prayers and words of wisdom. Some more info: my sister has bipolar, anxiety, and ADHD, so she is already a volatile person (as am I). She lives in Sonoma County in Northern California. We live in San Diego. It's at least an 8 hour drive, much more with any traffic in LA/OC and the Bay area, which there always is. The oldest is in K in public school. Her younger goes to preschool part-time. I cannot put my older in school, as he is several grade levels accelerated, so he would have to come with me.

Edited December 20, 2016 by SeaConquest

[Kathy in Richmond]

Hugs Monique!! :grouphug:

 

I'm so very sorry that your sister is going through this, and at such a young age.

 

I was diagnosed with aggressive stage 2b BC a year & a half ago out of the blue (also with no family history). I had a lumpectomy first, then 4 months of chemo (one day every other week), then daily radiation treatments for another 7 weeks.

 

It's different for every woman who goes through BC, but my worst times at the beginning were 2 to 5 days following each chemo treatment. That bad period increased as the months went on, till I was out of it for pretty much the whole two weeks.

 

What helped me the most were friends who brought over dinner or treats or gift cards for restaurant take-out. Especially those friends who did it without asking first! And I can't begin to tell you how much a simple phone call or online chat or a card in the mailbox could lift my spirits.

 

And I was home alone! I cannot imagine taking care of young children at the same time. I'm sure that your sister will need lots of help with her little ones. I know a single mom here going through BC treatments right now, and grandma has moved down to help her get the kids off to school each day and help with whatever else is needed.

 

Your sister will need a ride to & from chemo appointments even if she feels well. They wouldn't release me from chemo without a driver. I was lucky that my dh's employer gave him those days off w/o counting toward sick leave or vacation. It was really nice to have him sit there with me...my appointments started at 7:30am and often went till 2pm.

 

By the time I got to radiation, I could function well. It tired me out, but I could drive, run errands, and do everything else that normal life requires. I did take the year off from all my "extras"..no volunteer work or tutoring that year.

 

I'll keep your sister in my thoughts and prayers!!

[Happy]

5 year survivor here. I had a lumpectomy then six rounds of strong chemo, then radiation.

If you can, go with her to the chemo sessions. Take books, magazines, a laptop. I got Benadryl and dozed through a portion of my treatments, but it was grand to have my husband or a friend with me.

 

Food is tricky, but if you can be flexible it helps. My family would fix or go get whatever I thought would be good. Much of a person's taste is gone or off, so food is going to be interesting. I lived on ginger ale, homemade cream of potato soup, roast chicken, and ranch dressing. (It seemed like it anyway.)

 

Energy is an issue. I regret not getting someone to regularly come in and clean. There are cleaning services that will do free cleaning for bc patients. Ask at the local breast center or support groups. My family cooks so that was easier.

 

Have on hand.... Ginger ale. unscented hand lotion (Mary Kay's Satin Hands is great.) Aquaphor for dry lips and hands. If the skin dryness gets bad, try Eucerin. I can't remember the name right now, but a mouthwash for dry mouth really helps. Stool softeners (depending on how chemo hits her)

 

Let her choose whatever hats she wants to wear...very personal decision. I wore a cute ball cap most of the time. Scarves didn't work for me.

 

The more rounds of chemo a person does, the more they will feel the effects. Rounds 4 & 5 kicked my tushy. By 6, I knew I was mostly done.

 

I worked in a limited manner. Many of my clients that year have no idea I was sick. Pull on a wig, draw on some eyebrows, and smile. ;)  My son drove me to appointments so I would have energy to do the appointment.

 

Barbara Delinsky's Uplift. Good book. A bit dated, but encouraging.

 

I'm short on time, but feel free PM ANY questions you have.

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

What kind of cancer is it?  (It can be estrogen + or -, progesterone + or - or Her2 = or -.) The kind it is determines the chemo and the type of chemo will have a big impact on how she feels.  

 

Every person's experience with chemo is different, so even the oncologist will not be able to tell you exactly, just give you an idea of what it's like for the average patient.  But as a pp suggested, I would encourage you to go to the appointments with her. Get someone to babysit for the kids. It's important because 1) the patient cannot possibly hear and correctly process everything and 2) the patient also is often deer-in-the-headlights and doesn't think of all the questions she might otherwise ask. Do have her write down any questions before going. And you should take notes while you're there. Be sure to call with any questions that come up afterward. 

 

In all likelihood, she will need help through the time when her white cells dip and then come back, so you can probably spend about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks with her and she can live normally the rest of the time. But again, that is a guess. 

 

She is likely to be tired and to have any debilitating side effects the first week following treatment. You want to be there during the time her white blood cells tank because she will be very susceptible to infection.  I would consider having her 3 year old stay home from childcare for part of the treatment cycle to avoid bringing home something that could be bad news for your sister. (for instance, she might stay home from the 2nd day of treatment until the white cells come back up. That way, if she brings something home, there will be some time for her to get over it before your sister has a very compromised immune system.  ) Your sister's risks have to be weighed against stability for her child though. At the very least,  if I were your sister, I would  inform both the 3 & 6 year old's teacher, so that other parents can know to be very careful about sending sick kids to school and the teacher can be sure her germ-passing-prevention game is really on-cue. What kids come to school with sometimes boggles the minds. Even 6 year olds are often really bad at hygiene. (I work with kids those ages. Germ-spreading practices galore, even among the older ones. We work hard to teach them to sneeze into their elbow, to stop picking their noses, to blow their noses, to wash hands, etc. etc. but it is a work in progress to be sure.) 

 

Does she have a support group of people at work or church or otherwise who can help out with meals, errands, childcare, etc? Be very bold and specific about the likes and dislikes of the family when asking for food. It doesn't do the patient much good if she has to cook for the 3 and 6 year old because someone made a chicken casserole and they like their food separate. There are lots of options such as Care Calendar or Meal Train to set that kind of thing up. 

 

Try to encourage her to exercise even when she is tired. Even a 10 minute walk will help. It will help her feel better and will improve her prognosis. 

 

And to echo previous poster, Stage 3 is not a death sentence. It is still treatable. 

[umsami]

I found the boards here very useful when I went through a scare and when a friend went through her mastectomy  http://www.breastcancer.org/

 

My Aunt had stage 3 with quite a few lymph nodes involved.  She went through chemo, lumpectomy, and then radiation.  She found radiation the toughest.  She's over 10 years out and still doing well.

 

 

With my Dad's chemo for leukemia, each treatment was different.  The first chemo treatment may be bad, but not the next, etc....but usually day 2-5 was tough.  It's really wonderful that you're willing to stay with her. She's very lucky.  <3  <3  <3

 

 

[Janeway]

I am so sorry!!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sorry :grouphug:

[trulycrabby]

You have already gotten wonderful advice, so I will offer my best wishes for your sister. :grouphug:

[SeaConquest]

Thank you all for sharing your personal stories, and for your prayers and good thoughts. They are greatly appreciated.

 

To answer one of the questions, her cancer is invasive ductal carcinoma, stage IIIA, grade 2/3, node positive, progesterone positive, estrogen positive, her2 negative, genetic testing still tbd.

 

She does attend a church, and I will see about possibly setting up a meal train for local friends.

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: