Adjusting to a move

[fastforward]

Asking for a "friend" because she often sees that you all have varied experiences and give good advice.

 

Generally speaking, how long should one give themselves to adjust to a relatively big move?  When should one expect the highs and lows to subside and just get one with the day-to-day living, especially if the move was very much desired?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

[Penguin]

I don't know about a timeline, there are just so many variables. I just made an international move, and it basically sucked up all my mental energy for four months. I got off the plane October 1, and am just now feeling like "the move" is in my rear view window. And (1) I have a lot of moving experience and (2) moved back to a state I have lived in before.

 

 

[TheReader]

What Penguin said.

 

When we moved TO Brazil, some of us were fine from day one, then crashed at the 6 month mark. Others of us were struggling for the first few months, and finally feeling somewhat settled into a routine at that point.

 

When we moved back FROM Brazil, things were wonky because we were in temporary housing for 6 months, so we landed, had to start house hunting, and didn't settle because our permanent home was going to be about 70 miles from where we lived while we adjusted.

 

So that complicated things, but in both cases I'd say it was 6 months or so before any of us (kids included; don't discount the adjustment it will be for them, too) felt like we were back on solid footing, not just keeping our head above water. Longer than that, though, before we felt really at home again...

 

I guess I'd say it's a bit like grief, and give each family member (and yourself) as much time as is needed, for the initial adjustment, the ups and downs, the settling in, and the feeling that things are thriving again, not just surviving. Waves of homesickness for the place you leave behind can sneak up on you, so prepare for that as well.

 

But as for a timeline...it's so individual. There's really no way to predict.

[wendy not in HI]

6 months to be comfortable. 2 years to have real friends and feel at home. Then we move again. That's our pattern.

[Amira]

Usually it takes me a month or two to be able to deal fairly competently with everyday life.

 

It's about six months before I start to feel comfortable dealing with everyday life.

 

It's not till the second year that a lot of things really start to get easier to deal with.

 

And then we move again.

 

Someone places are harder to move to and being happy to move there doesn't necessarily make a big difference, although it can.

 

ETA that I didn't see Wendy's post before I posted so I wasn't trying to copy. :)

Edited December 16, 2016 by Amira

[wendy not in HI]

Right at the beginning of a move I tell the kids to give it two weeks. Things that stress you out the first couple days at home and school mostly get better by 2 weeks. That doesn't mean you will have a best friend, but two weeks is another sweet spot with a move...

 

Moving is the pits. I don't think it gets better with practice... it is particularly difficult for high school students to find their place, and I try to be especially sensitive to that. Best of luck to your friend!

[wendy not in HI]

And then we move again.

 

Someone places are harder to move to and being happy to move there doesn't necessarily make a big difference, although it can.

 

ETA that I didn't see Wendy's post before I posted so I wasn't trying to copy. :)

Great minds and all that!! It is somehow comforting to know we are not alone in this! We are six months into a one year assignment... I wish we could have 2 years here!!

[regentrude]

Not sure what level of adjustment you are asking. Leading a normal daily life, going to work, school, having a functioning household - a few days. Knowing your way around town and area - a few weeks. Feeling at home with a sense of community and stable circle of friends - a few years.

 

It took me several years after we moved from the town in which I was born and had lived for decades close to all family members to a different continent where a different language was spoken and I did not know anybody except DH.

I struggled with homesickness especially around the holidays for close to a decade.

 

 

Edited December 16, 2016 by regentrude

[FriedClams]

A year.

 

We're on week one.

 

Moving is really, really hard.

[Guest]

For

Ev

Er

[fastforward]

A year.

 

We're on week one.

 

Moving is really, really hard.

 

I'm sorry.  :(

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 25, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[fastforward]

So, I guess my expectations were way off kilter.  I fully expected to be up and running right away, which is pretty much what happened.  We even had a friend from back home visit us at around the 3 week mark and the husband mentioned how surprised at how together we looked.  I think I desperately wanted to keep up appearances.  After 3 months, I guess we're ok, but not where I want to be.  I'm impatient this way.

 

I cannot complain as nothing bad has happened, but I want things to move so much more quickly.  Plus I'm worrying about things outside of my control like if we'll have to move again in a year because we are no longer homeowners but renters, and if my new acquaintances are really just being friendly, but not looking for friendship.  Stupid stuff.  

 

And the homesickness is indeed creeping up on me at inopportune times.  I miss the dumbest things from my old state!

[Penguin]

OP, whatever you are missing, it isn't dumb to miss it. Hang in there!

 

Like I said, I am midway through month three. I have unpacked and pushed through 95% of the beauracracy part of moving, and can find my way around. But I am far from feeling connected to this place.

[The Girls' Mom]

We've moved a lot, and honestly it has varied greatly with each move.  

 

I had one in which I never really felt adjusted.  We moved again after two years.  

 

I had one that I felt at home after a few months.  But, unfortunately, we moved again after two years.  

 

We moved back "home" nearly 5 years ago.  Its a place I've lived the bulk of my adult life, but I'm still not really adjusted.  Mostly because I didn't really want to be here.  

 

I think it will depend on the place, the timing, etc.  

[HomeAgain]

6 months is the honeymoon period for us.  After that, the world sort of crashes a bit, the homesickness and fretfulness sets in if it's not a welcomed move.  It usually takes a full 18 months for it to feel like "home", having gone through a year of seasons and knowing what to expect, but that 6m mark is well known here for being rather frustrating.

[teachermom2834]

We are about 18 months into our only move. We feel generally adjusted for the most part. The high schooler has had the hardest time and he might never fully adjust. He is counting down to leaving for college.

 

The rest of us feel pretty well adjusted. Then something will happen and I'll have a hard day and I will blame it on the move/not fitting in here. However, for me I think that is the default. It is like when the kids were little and things got out of control I would blame homeschooling. It was just the easiest thing to blame.

 

I will say that I have met very good girlfriends and that is critical to my adjustment and by extension that of the whole family. We also have excellent neighbors. I have come to realize that I desperately need friendship and community outside my home. If I move again I know I will have to work very hard to make those connections. I think I would be miserable without them no matter my location.

 

I realize I didn't answer your question directly. For me the one year mark was significant. We had been through every season/holiday and got a feel for what happened in the community at those times.

[Annie G]

It took us a year. We had to go through a full cycle to adjust to our new normal- everything from developing new 4th of July festivities to handling Christmas while being far away from our families and friends. It took a year to adjust to not having family attend the kids' concerts or shows, finding new couples to hang out with, and watching the kids go through the same things. 

 

We'd be doing just fine, navigating our new town, and then BAM. Something unexpected would upset me.  A new friend lived in a nearby town and we bought pool passes together and enjoyed a summer of hanging out at the pool. Then that winter I took our kids ice skating at a park by our house and discovered WE HAVE A POOL IN OUR TOWN. It is within walking distance of my house.  And all summer I had been driving 20 minutes to the other pool.  

 

OP, you sound like you're adjusting well.  Even when a move is something you want, it takes time to adjust.  It's ok if you're still adjusting.  :grouphug:

[BooksandBoys]

Each move is different, but something like a month to not feel utterly overwhelmed every day by all the little things (this time, it took me more than a month to remember how to use this microwave. It was just wonky).

 

Three months to more or less know my way around and for the kids (and me) to stop crying about the move.

 

Six months to have my routines in place so I don't constantly need to go to the grocery stores for things I forgot and to streamline errands. Six months to have acquaintances that we feel we can call to play. I also always hit a wall at 6 months and feel like I'll never belong and I'm a failure because we'll never be happy. Two years to feel like I belong. Sometimes three. Once, I never felt like I belonged. We move again shortly after I feel like I belong.

 

And I'm just talking about moving to a new region of the country. Within any given area, I tend to move to a new house every year or two. So that messes everything back up.

 

The feeling that people aren't really friends but just friendly is a tough one, and one I understand completely. I'm lucky to have found a big network of good people very quickly here (within three months...unheard of for us), but none of it feels safe and real.

 

I'm hitting a wall with this move right now. It's month 5, and I think the 6 month blahs came early because of the timing of the holidays.

 

Hugs. Moving is hard.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's been 11 years since I moved.  I'm used to living here, but I'm not in love with the place.  I guess I never will be.

 

I think like others have said there are so many factors.  One thing that has been tough on me is having no family around and not knowing anyone. 

[Sarah CB]

6 months to be comfortable. 2 years to have real friends and feel at home. Then we move again. That's our pattern.

 

Having moved a lot - both as a child and as an adult - I totally agree.

[maize]

18 months to feel fairly comfortable in the new place.

 

Several years to really feel settled.

 

For a place to actually feel like I belong and this is home? Maybe never; that's not something I have experienced and I suspect I will spend my entire life feeling like I'm a nomad just settling somewhere for a bit.

Edited December 17, 2016 by maize

[maize]

Random rant: why, oh why, did autocorrect change nomad to monad?!? I went back and corrected it and it tried to change it again.

 

I seriously wonder sometimes if the folks who program the autocorrect feature mess with us on purpose.

[momto3innc]

We've had three moves.

One (which was a super short term one) I felt settled super quickly, like within a couple weeks. However it was an area where I had vacationed quite a bit so it was already familiar.

For my two "real" moves, they were totally different. One I felt settled after about a year (had friends, had traditions, felt like home when we can back from vacation).

The last move? Well it's been two years and still hasn't really happened. I mean I obviously know my way around by now and have some friends. But no true community and still feel like we are just settling in. So it really really varies.

[SamanthaCarter]

Our last move has been the hardest emotionally for me. It was an in-town move, my fist chance to pick a house to buy. I had to come to terms with not being able to afford something more comfortable than what we would end up with, and then the house we did get ended up not quite being what I thought it was. It feels really final for various reasons. So six months in and some antidepressants later I'm still a bit in mourning and trying to figure out how to organize and decorate.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Seasider]

6 months to be comfortable. 2 years to have real friends and feel at home. Then we move again. That's our pattern.

Same here. I've found it takes a true 2 years to get support systems in place - new physicians, church, kid activities - longer than one might think.

[Jaybee]

6 months to be comfortable. 2 years to have real friends and feel at home. Then we move again. That's our pattern.

 

I was going to say something similar. I can learn to get around pretty quickly. But it usually takes me about 3 years to really settle in. It's a gradual thing, but I've noticed that the 3rd year is where I start to hit my sweet spot. It also varies whether domestic or international, and where international. I've learned to be patient with myself, and not rail against the time it takes me with the, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I adjust?" types of questions that I threw at myself my first major move.

[staceyobu]

We are 18 months post a big move. I feel fairly settled and less homesick in the last couple months. The first year was a lot of ups and downs.

[fastforward]

Thanks, y'all.  (See, I can talk like someone from my area already!  :laugh: )

 

So, how do I handle adjusting until hitting the sweet spot of fitting in, assuming that it will happen?  Obviously, I cannot rush things along and I have to exercise a lot of patience with life in my new place and with myself, to be honest.  The desire to fit in immediately is so strong and it's frustrating to feel like I must be doing something wrong because things are perfect, if that makes any sense.

 

I have to admit, moving has been so much harder than I thought it would be.  

[Liz CA]

Not sure what level of adjustment you are asking. Leading a normal daily life, going to work, school, having a functioning household - a few days. Knowing your way around town and area - a few weeks. Feeling at home with a sense of community and stable circle of friends - a few years.

 

It took me several years after we moved from the town in which I was born and had lived for decades close to all family members to a different continent where a different language was spoken and I did not know anybody except DH.

I struggled with homesickness especially around the holidays for close to a decade.

 

I often wonder if age has anything to do with it. When I was younger, I moved easily even between continents and never felt homesick. If I had to make a major move now, I'd be tired before I got started.

 

Edited December 18, 2016 by Liz CA

[SanDiegoMom]

Between ages 22 and 30 I moved four times and had no problem adjusting. This move took six months for the depression to abate, and now 2 1/2 years in I am still counting down the days to our next move. However our last move took about 3 months to adjust and then felt like home.

[HomeAgain]

Thanks, y'all.  (See, I can talk like someone from my area already!  :laugh: )

 

So, how do I handle adjusting until hitting the sweet spot of fitting in, assuming that it will happen?  Obviously, I cannot rush things along and I have to exercise a lot of patience with life in my new place and with myself, to be honest.  The desire to fit in immediately is so strong and it's frustrating to feel like I must be doing something wrong because things are perfect, if that makes any sense.

 

I have to admit, moving has been so much harder than I thought it would be.  

 

It's.......hard.  My coping mechanism is to take pictures of EVERYTHING.  I caption them, I blog/social media.  I amuse myself with the differences and try to find the good.  This weekend my kid got the shock of his life when he sat down to hear a story from Santa, and "Santa" walked in wearing a Stetson and large belt buckle, while the story omitted sugarplums and mice, substituting "armidillers" instead. 

When we got here I threw myself into as much as possible, meeting new people and volunteering.  Now, I'm content to be ready to move again.  I've already looked up our new community on Facebook and started talking to people there.

[regentrude]

I often wonder if age has anything to do with it. When I was younger, I moved easily even between continents and never felt homesick. If I had to make a major move now, I'd be tired before I got started.

 

I don't know whether it is age; my overseas moves at different ages had too many other factors differing to make them comparable. The first time I moved to the US, I was on my own (DH was 1,000 miles away in a different state), did not have children and consequently had far fewer responsibilities, and I knew the move was temporary. I had my life together in a week, but did not start making friends until I was there for 6 months, and really settled in after a year.

When I moved to England, it was with two small children, I knew it was for one year only, and I never really settled in.

This last move, I had two preschoolers and I knew it was long term/permanent. Complete different scenario.

 

I think it is harder to move with children. I felt the absence of my extended family much more acutely since I had kids, because I could not give them the experience of closeness to family that I had growing up, and I was missing this very much. Also, for parents, there are much different needs for a support network that are simply not present for single adults. Lastly, cultural differences in parenting and approach to childhood definitely made it harder for me to raise my children in an unfamiliar culture, because many things I knew and appreciated about childhood from home did not apply here.

Edited December 18, 2016 by regentrude

[wendy not in HI]

Thanks, y'all. (See, I can talk like someone from my area already! :laugh: )

 

So, how do I handle adjusting until hitting the sweet spot of fitting in, assuming that it will happen? Obviously, I cannot rush things along and I have to exercise a lot of patience with life in my new place and with myself, to be honest. The desire to fit in immediately is so strong and it's frustrating to feel like I must be doing something wrong because things are perfect, if that makes any sense.

 

I have to admit, moving has been so much harder than I thought it would be.

It does just take time, but here are some dorky things I generally do when we move:

-Go to the closest grocery store so often that the workers become familiar and feel like "friends"

-Ditto the library

-Say yes to all sorts of things - volunteer too much, go to any church or school functions, etc - I am generally a say no kind of person, but getting out and doing things helps me find friends and helps keep the blues away

-Join a gym and go to as many classes as I can

-Sometimes the same people start showing up at different things: gym, library, kids classes, etc. That's where friendships start for me.

-Walking around the neighborhood when others are walking, neighbors start to look familiar and it feels good to recognize the person you are waving at.

-Taking treats to neighbors at the holidays

 

I'm really bad at making friends. Sometimes I took around and wonder how others can find friends so quickly, it almost feels like magic when a real friendship happens. So the most important thing I do is to make sure I am cultivating my relationship with my hubby.

[BooksandBoys]

It's.......hard. My coping mechanism is to take pictures of EVERYTHING. I caption them, I blog/social media. I amuse myself with the differences and try to find the good. This weekend my kid got the shock of his life when he sat down to hear a story from Santa, and "Santa" walked in wearing a Stetson and large belt buckle, while the story omitted sugarplums and mice, substituting "armidillers" instead.

When we got here I threw myself into as much as possible, meeting new people and volunteering. Now, I'm content to be ready to move again. I've already looked up our new community on Facebook and started talking to people there.

I do something like this. I buy little books about the birds, trees, and flowers of the area and learn as much as I can about the natural environment until it feels like I understand the area. I spent the first 18 years of my life on one piece of land (except for a one year temporary move south...incidentally very close to where I live now), but that stability meant I knew the land. I knew the trees and the birds without ever studying them.

 

When we moved west last time, it was shockingly disconcerting to have my kids asking me about the flora and fauna and having no answers. Learning helped. It's helping this time too (we are in the south now).

I also try to just pay attention to the differences, treating the move as an opportunity to learn a new culture. We may speak the same language in the US, but expectations are so different in different areas. We honor that, just as we would intentionally learn the culture if we moved overseas.

 

And, really, the Santas with a thick southern drawl might have been what pushed my oldest to figure out the Santa thing this year. â˜ºï¸ It was just so different than anything he's ever seen/heard before.

[mumto2]

Both of my closest friendships in my new country happened because our families took a chance on each other. In both cases I happened to start a casual conversation with another woman with a child my dc's age. In both cases there was an activity mentioned and we decided to go together. In both cases the dh's were not happy campers. Could not believe they were stuck with strangers doing that, etc! Best things we ever did! It didn't always work but twice it did.

 

Some friendships develop over time. When you get your home well organized try to find something you enjoy doing and go. Yogo class, knitting social at a shop, book group. Something for you. Be pleasant and talk to those people who are willing to chat. Positive results do happen.

 

Btw, I totally agree with the timeframe others have indicated. I still morn my old life occasionally when something major happens there but wouldn't go back.

[JessReplanted]

We made a "huge" move from PA to TX, and 4.5 years later I can say that we are truly happy here and have been blessed with an amazing community. Of course, it is time for us to start thinking about our next move. ☹ï¸ï¸ We will hopefully move back to a familiar place & be closer to family, but the thought of moving again is dreadful.

 

Our first few years after the move were REALLY difficult. Give yourself a lot of time to adjust.

[JessReplanted]

Thanks, y'all. (See, I can talk like someone from my area already! :laugh: )

 

So, how do I handle adjusting until hitting the sweet spot of fitting in, assuming that it will happen? Obviously, I cannot rush things along and I have to exercise a lot of patience with life in my new place and with myself, to be honest. The desire to fit in immediately is so strong and it's frustrating to feel like I must be doing something wrong because things are perfect, if that makes any sense.

 

I have to admit, moving has been so much harder than I thought it would be.

One of the biggest things that helped me was to change my perspective from trying to find friends to just being friendly towards others. I stopped feeling so desperate to have people in my life and was able to focus on others. Now I feel very blessed by the various amazing people the Lord has placed in my life.

Edited December 18, 2016 by JessReplanted

[sassenach]

We've done big moves within the US several times and each time it took me about a year.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited February 4, 2017 by .qp_

[Dynamite5]

So, I guess my expectations were way off kilter.  I fully expected to be up and running right away, which is pretty much what happened.  We even had a friend from back home visit us at around the 3 week mark and the husband mentioned how surprised at how together we looked.  I think I desperately wanted to keep up appearances.  After 3 months, I guess we're ok, but not where I want to be.  I'm impatient this way.

 

I cannot complain as nothing bad has happened, but I want things to move so much more quickly.  Plus I'm worrying about things outside of my control like if we'll have to move again in a year because we are no longer homeowners but renters, and if my new acquaintances are really just being friendly, but not looking for friendship.  Stupid stuff.  

 

And the homesickness is indeed creeping up on me at inopportune times.  I miss the dumbest things from my old state!

I think it sounds as though your future is unsettled, so no wonder you aren't feeling at home.  

 

For me, it takes about 2 years to really begin to feel at home in a new place.  It takes me a while to find a dentist, doctor, a hairdresser I'm happy with, friends and activities for the kids, couple friends, groups such as book clubs, short cuts around town and other things that are important to our family. Moving can be exciting and a great adventure, but it is also a lot of work.

[amy g.]

It has been 6 months since we moved from Texas to Northern California. The movers were awful and a ton of our furniture was broken, so that caused more stress than usual.

 

It took 3 months to get everything (including the garage) unpacked. Other than that issue, it felt like home right away.

 

I agree to saying yes to activities. Before the moving van even arrived, I had the kids signed up for swim team and I was volunteering at VBS. A month later I was teaching Sunday school.

 

We have awesome neighbors which makes the transition pretty painless. We already have hosted 2 parties here and are planning another one for next week.

 

I'm a pretty introverted and anxious person, but I tell myself that I just have to do it so the kids can have community and I find out that I end up enjoying myself.

 

I'm 50 and not a particularly flexible person so I sure hope I end up living in this house for the next 50 years!

[fastforward]

I rarely tried to fit in.  If I made friends, it was because they accepted me as I was (Southern accent and all).  Sometimes I never made real friends before we moved again.  But I also passed up a lot of things because of homeschooling 5 kids.  Hs'ing was very time-consuming and I loved it, so never minded missing out on other things.  It was enough for me to chat with other mothers at the few hs activities we did when dc were young.

 

I was wondering where you came from and where you're trying to adjust to.  Unless that's too personal, of course.  But it might help you get more specific suggestions, if you wanted them.

 

:grouphug:  

I moved from the Northeast to the South, but not deep South.  I am trying very hard to resist the urge to blast what passes for pizza here. (I kid!)  I do yearn for a good matzo ball soup, but frozen Tabatchnick did the trick. ;)

 

I absolutely cannot complain about how hospitable some folks have been.  We have been invited and 'checked on' here way more than back in our old state, which is absolutely awesome.  I'm so grateful for the local homeschooling mom who sent me a message to see if I was feeling better today after having to bow out of an activity last week.  Really, really appreciative.  

 

I need an attitude adjustment, I think.  And for the holidays to be OVER.