Emotions--do you think you understand them?

[38carrots]

Here's an example. Your 10 yo DD with sensory issues is finishing her outdoor activity at camp when her brother gets sick. You end up at the ER with the 10 yo DD, her 5yo brother and her 2yo sister. Your 10yo is dirty, sweaty and is wearing uncomfortable clothes (which normally she doesn't tolerate well and tries to change out of her dirty clothing and take a shower ASAP). She gives her snacks to her siblings and she entertains them for 6 hours while at the ER. The moment she comes home, at 11pm, she gets upset at something innocuous and has a full blow screaming fit.

 

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?

Do you think most people understand?

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?)

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand? Can this be explained?

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes--for my 10yo, he would have used all of his emotional control up at the ER pleasing everyone during a scary emotional time. When the crisis was over, he could safely fall apart.

 

For several years, it's like my kid has a bucket. Scratchy clothes added a cup of water to the bucket. Loud noises added another cup. People bumping in to him in the crowded room added another cup of water. The more that bucket fills, the closer he is to a meltdown unless he can take a break and pour some water out of the bucket. His "bucket" has gotten bigger as he has more compensatory strategies and coping mechanisms, but when the bucket overflows, it's also a bigger mess.

[The Girls' Mom]

I would understand.  Dh would not handle it well.  He doesn't handle burst of emotion well in general though.  I would probably usher her to her room, and say "Look, she is beyond exhausted and has been holding it together all day.  She's done." 

 

[LucyStoner]

People rise to the stressful situation and then the stress meltdown hits once it is safe to do so. That is how I would explain it to people.

[fraidycat]

It can be explained, but only to a person who is OPEN to learning and understanding. If I recall correctly, this is an ongoing issue for you. My apologies if I'm mistaking you for another poster.

 

My DH would totally understand. I would understand. Most of my family would understand, except for my childless sister who is one that is rarely open to understanding and is "the world's best parent" who would have perfect children, but still throws huge tantrums herself as an adult.

 

At 11 pm, hot, sweaty, dirty, and after 6 hours in a hospital -I'd be throwing a bit of a hissy fit myself.

[Ausmumof3]

Like everyone else. Yes. no. No. Maybe if I thought they'd listen.

[LucyStoner]

To answer the other questions, my husband understands. We have 2 neurologically atypical children. If he didn't get it, things would be very rough.

 

My community mostly gets it. The larger overall community? Not so much. I find most people who don't get it are actually rather selfishly intolerant of children having and expressing feelings that aren't within their personal definition of "normal".

[Carrie12345]

http://barbaraboroson.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Balancing-the-Tray.pdf

 

(On autism, but doesn't apply just to autism.)

[JustEm]

Yes, i would understand. Yes, my dh would understand.

 

I would tell the person that your child just spent hours holding her own feelings back in order to help her younger siblings through a difficult time, just like any person might have to. When she got home she hadn't been able to process the emotions that had been bottled up for so long and then something just set her off.

 

People may not understand that but it can be explained so some people will understand

[bolt.]

I understand. I explain it all the time.

 

Social skills, the ability to manage one's self, the ability to rise to challenges -- these are capabilities that have limitations. They are impacted by circumstances (positively and negatively) and it's not usually under a child's control when they will run out.

 

Therefore, when a child rises successfully to a challenging circumstances, it is very much the most normal thing in the world for them to falter spectacularly at the next challenging moment: their resources are expended. There isn't enough for another tough round. This is particularly true if the child bears up well in public, but is later in a safer space (home) when the next challenge arrises.

 

This happens to adults too.

 

There are even sayings and idioms about it. (The straw that broke the camel's back.) Its absolutely the most normal way to be human, and we out to expect it in our children.

[Code Lyoko]

Yes.  Absolutely.

 

No.

 

No (even though he also has these issues).  

 

Yes, but only if (as others have mentioned) I felt they were receptive to listening/learning.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

 

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?

Do you think most people understand?

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?)

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand? Can this be explained?

 

Yes

I don't know

Yes

I don't think this is so odd to be honest. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd be damn proud of my kid for holding it together in this scenario. 

[Code Lyoko]

I'd be damn proud of my kid for holding it together in this scenario. 

Me, too.

[myfunnybunch]

Yes, I would completely understand. I have felt the same way.

Yes, I think many people would understand this, especially from a 10 yo.

My dh would be mystified and alarmed.

I would explain it as pressure building in an intense situation in which she not only held it in but used a great deal of energy to be helpful under stress. The pressure is now being released in a safe environment. The innocuous event was like the tiny pin that popped the balloon. Then I would explain the exact things that might be helpful for that child: a moment to melt down, a hug, and a warm shower and clean pajamas, for example. My dh needs things broken down.

 

Hugs to your dd. Sounds like she was a rock star. I'm impressed.

[Tap]

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?Yes,I have a daughter on the spectrum with sensory issues.

 

Do you think most people understand?  Anyone who works with kids will understand.  Even neurotypical people have meltdowns when they have hit the end of their capability to cope.

 

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?) Yes, because this is our life.

 

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand? Can this be explained?  "kiddo had a really rough day and handled it like a champ.  Her brain is now overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings from the day. Those feelings are all jumbled together and most importantly, detached from the stimulus. Since she is home where she feels it is safe, all of those feelings are coming out at one time.  They don't make sense because they are all coming out at once, without the stimulus intact. And it is coming out in somewhat unintelligible broken pieces. She just needs some time to let them all pour out, to process those broken pieces,  as best as she can,  and to move on with her night."  

 

Honestly, it is just like when something happens to you during the day and then later that night, you may be telling the story, or just going over it in your head and you get mad all over again.  You may even be in bed, trying to go to sleep, but get so mad you can't sleep. The reason you are mad is no longer in front of you.....but you still have very, very valid feelings, and very real physical symptoms to go along with it.

 

People with Autism, can't choose what to feel, or when to feel it.  But they have to process all of those feelings just the same.  They can assign an inappropriate feeling to an insignificant event, ....because the original stimulus is gone, but their body still has  bottled up feelings to let out. So those unspent feelings spew out and hit what ever is in their way.

[MercyA]

Here's an example. Your 10 yo DD with sensory issues is finishing her outdoor activity at camp when her brother gets sick. You end up at the ER with the 10 yo DD, her 5yo brother and her 2yo sister. Your 10yo is dirty, sweaty and is wearing uncomfortable clothes (which normally she doesn't tolerate well and tries to change out of her dirty clothing and take a shower ASAP). She gives her snacks to her siblings and she entertains them for 6 hours while at the ER. The moment she comes home, at 11pm, she gets upset at something innocuous and has a full blow screaming fit.

 

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?

Do you think most people understand?

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?)

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand? Can this be explained?

 

Yes.

I'm not sure. I've been blessed with a perceptive and understanding family.

Yes.

I agree with SparklyUnicorn. It just doesn't seem that odd to me that someone might lose emotional control after a stressful day, especially a young child with sensory issues.

[Murphy101]

Here's an example. Your 10 yo DD with sensory issues is finishing her outdoor activity at camp when her brother gets sick. You end up at the ER with the 10 yo DD, her 5yo brother and her 2yo sister. Your 10yo is dirty, sweaty and is wearing uncomfortable clothes (which normally she doesn't tolerate well and tries to change out of her dirty clothing and take a shower ASAP). She gives her snacks to her siblings and she entertains them for 6 hours while at the ER. The moment she comes home, at 11pm, she gets upset at something innocuous and has a full blow screaming fit.

 

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?

 

Not sure what the SN issue is in this example. I understand how anyone would need some decompression time after that. However, I think the real question is does that make it okay to flip out on people? Imo, no. We would understand and tell them something like, "ENOUGH!! We were all stressed and get it, but that's no excuse. Take some deep breaths and or go decompress for a few minutes to pull yourself together. Then everyone, including you, can go on more pleasantly." And then refuse to engage the beast.

 

Do you think most people understand?

Don't know. Most that I know would understand needing some time to catch air and regroup.

 

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?)

yes. And if he didn't I'd tell him.

 

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand?

Really? You've never had a poopy day that you managed to barely hang on to your sanity only to find you lost your mind when you finally made it home? Never lost your tempter at your kid or dh or your parents when you were younger bc whether they deserved it or not, mostly you had just reached your own limit of patience? Really never ever?

 

Can this be explained?

Yes and I think I did and do. An explaination isn't an excuse though. While we would understand it, we would still give consequences and give tips on how to better manage. Saying sorry is important. Reducing the need to say it, if possible, is even better though. 🙂

Heck. Am I the only person who has ever had multiple family members (or friends or coworkers) who needed to decompress at the same time and instead emotionally collide? This is just part of family and relationship skill development. Edited November 19, 2016 by Murphy101

[Innisfree]

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes--for my 10yo, he would have used all of his emotional control up at the ER pleasing everyone during a scary emotional time. When the crisis was over, he could safely fall apart.

 

For several years, it's like my kid has a bucket. Scratchy clothes added a cup of water to the bucket. Loud noises added another cup. People bumping in to him in the crowded room added another cup of water. The more that bucket fills, the closer he is to a meltdown unless he can take a break and pour some water out of the bucket. His "bucket" has gotten bigger as he has more compensatory strategies and coping mechanisms, but when the bucket overflows, it's also a bigger mess.

 

This, exactly, right down to the bucket analogy. We've used that figure of speech for years. The only difference I'd give in the answers is that now dh does understand very well what is going on, thank goodness.

 

Since we do have a child on the spectrum, any talk of consequences would be completely inappropriate for us, at least in the moment. Actually, any chastisement, dirty looks or maybe even just any *talking* would be inappropriate, because all of that would just add more stress when she's already unable to handle what she's got. Really, we're not into consequences so much as encouraging strategies to make that bucket bigger, and we're very proud of the progress she's made. Ymmv.

[Guest]

Uh TBH I don't understand what is here to NOT understand?

 

It seems screamingly obvious that she'd be feeling feelings after a day like that.

 

Possibly because I am the one with SPD in this house. But what is there to explain? "Had a rough day. Had big feelings**."

 

I feel like I am missing something.

 

Edit **....and kids are still learning what to do with those big feelings. Obviously. (right? it's obvious?)

Edited November 19, 2016 by OKBud

[purpleowl]

No one in my house has sensory issues (that I know of). I'd be momentarily surprised by a meltdown and then go, "Oh. DUH." Then I'd try to help the kid work through it (with reminders that being upset doesn't give you the right to be hurtful to others, if such reminders are applicable--I don't know if that would be handled differently by someone with a child with sensory issues?). 

 

DH would likely respond the same way I would. 

 

 

[poppy]

Uh TBH I don't understand what is here to NOT understand?

 

It seems screamingly obvious that she'd be feeling feelings after a day like that.

 

Possibly because I am the one with SPD in this house. But what is there to explain? "Had a rough day. Had big feelings**."

 

I feel like I am missing something.

 

Edit **....and kids are still learning what to do with those big feelings. Obviously. (right? it's obvious?)

Yeah this isn't a tricky one. I can't imagine how hard it must be to live with someone who can't grasp elementary psychology. I'm sorry OP.

[Wheres Toto]

Here's an example. Your 10 yo DD with sensory issues is finishing her outdoor activity at camp when her brother gets sick. You end up at the ER with the 10 yo DD, her 5yo brother and her 2yo sister. Your 10yo is dirty, sweaty and is wearing uncomfortable clothes (which normally she doesn't tolerate well and tries to change out of her dirty clothing and take a shower ASAP). She gives her snacks to her siblings and she entertains them for 6 hours while at the ER. The moment she comes home, at 11pm, she gets upset at something innocuous and has a full blow screaming fit.

 

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?

Do you think most people understand?

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?)

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand? Can this be explained?

 

My son has sensory issues.

 

Yes, even a neurotypical 10 year old could have some trouble after holding things together for 6 hours, when it's late at night, they are tired and uncomfortable.  I know adults who would probably have a good cry after all that.  

I would expect people who knew what happened to understand, whether or not they know the child has issues.  People who didn't know, would probably be surprised at a 10 year old having a full blown screaming fit (although I also know people who would put it down to hormones, especially in a girl).

Yes, he definitely would.  

Someone who already knows the circumstances and that your dd has sensory issues?  If they already know those things and still don't understand, I'm not sure any explanation would help.  They have to be willing to listen and empathize in order to understand.

[gardenmom5]

 

Do you understand why a 10 year old would have a fit over seemingly nothing, in the above circumstances?

Do you think most people understand?

Would your DH understand? (Could you ask?)

What would you tell to a person who doesn't understand? Can this be explained?

 

yes - I would understand why the 10yo had a meltdown. 

no, I think most people would NOT understand

in this situation, my dh would probably understand  (how he'd deal with it would vary according to his own stress level.)

one of dudeling's providers has a way of pushing someone over their own limits very fast.  her goal was their own understanding of this.  turn on heavy metal, have them stand on one foot,  pat their tummy - rub their head, they have to sing, flashing lights.  she just keeps stress loading - they will eventually break.

 

 

it wasn't the one thing - it was the cumulation of things (and it was late so the child was probably tired when taken along with the rest to the ER) until the straw broke the camel's back.  I would understand, send her to a shower/bath (water will clean her, but can also be soothing), maybe a cup of hot chocolate, then do what I could to help her calm down and get to bed.

[happi duck]

To me this sounds normal...

Not normal considering xyz...

Just normal.

 

People just have different sized buckets!

 

(Great analogy btw!)