What do you do with a child who doesn't care?

[hornblower]

you know Mark Zuckerberg really wears the same thing every day?  

http://time.com/4192840/mark-zuckerberg-wardrobe-facebook-photo/

 

The other stuff - I'd say she's the typical head in the clouds kid.  

I'd consider checklists and simplifying things as much as possible. These dreamy can't keep track of stuff people have always been around but I think the current hectic multi tasking overloaded with *stuff* life is extremely hard for them & they struggle more...

Edited November 4, 2016 by hornblower

[Junie]

If it bothers you that she wears clothes with holes in them (and it would bother me, too), you could just throw them away.  

[treestarfae]

Is she special needs?

 

1.  Velcro sneakers or sneaker clogs.

 

2.  Not sure if this is blatant disrespect to upset you by destroying quality clothes?

 

3. Sony makes nice wireless headsets with Bluetooth.

 

4.  Not sure if this is blatant disrespect to upset you by trying to destroy quality kitchen ware?

 

5.  Give her a flip phone.

 

6.  Not sure if this is blatant disrespect by destroying quality boots?

 

If she is not special needs then I would question why she is giving you a hard time. Put yourself in her shoes. Is she unhappy? Why would she act out?

 

 

 

 

[ktgrok]

And help her as much as possible, even though it feels like you shouldn't have to. When she comes in, ask her if she put the brushes away, or whatever. When you see her heading for the barn, ask her to change shoes. Keep barn shoes right by the door, so it's easy. Trust that someday she will marry someone who will keep a spare of everything hidden from her, including a spare drivers license in his wallet, just in case. (Like I did...bless my husband)

[Innisfree]

Thanks everyone. I get what you are saying and I am realizing that yes, the clothes thing is my issue. The clothes was just an example because it was fresh on my mind today but it really is everything. She'll go feed the animals and leave the feed bucket out in field and it'll get kicked around and wrecked. Sure, it's only $15 or so but it all starts adding. She'll catch one of the horses to work on it then brush it and leave the brushes on the fence and they get ruined by the rain, she leaves lead ropes and they fall in the mud. I'll buy books for the family and she'll leave them around with the spine upwards in an "A" to hold her page.- and she only does this to the family books, not her prized ones. She shoves things in drawers and pages get bent. It's mostly little things but once you add them all up, it does get to be expensive and frustrating to me.

 

The clothes, I will figure a way to deal with it and just not care what others think. Now that I think on it, I believe that part of the reason I care is because she has a hard time making friends. She admits this to me. A lot of the girls she meets go to PS (not many hs'd teen girls around here) and I'm also trying to help her fit in. I guess that can be seen as a way to change her? I don't mean to. And no, girls won't like her for what she is wearing (that's not what I mean). I'm just trying to get her to perhaps blend in a bit more? I know girls in PS notice this sort of thing. I'll work on myself and just let it go. We do work on aspects of making friends and I don't focus on clothes all that much although I guess it does sound like I do in this thread. And yes, I do see how it came across that way. Thanks for giving me perspective.

 

 

Have you read the ADHD thread? Can you see that the whole first paragraph here is ADHD/executive function related? You mentioned that you know she has executive function issues; well, that's a lot of what is going on here.

 

Several people have mentioned sensory issues as well: fiddling with and chewing on the cord, wearing the same favorite comfortable clothes.

 

You also say she's having trouble making friends.

 

Has she had evaluations? There may be more going on here than meets the eye.

 

And yet, I have to say, she sounds like a lovely girl. She's not materialistic. She isn't focused on what others think of her. You say that other people speak highly of her. So, I'd just focus on appreciating her as the lovely girl she is. Don't buy her expensive stuff she doesn't care about. Help her learn scaffolding techniques for ADHD, and refer to the aforementioned thread for a discussion about the pros and cons of medication. Get her some fidgets and chewelry. Talk to her and see how she feels about all this.

 

I'd let the concerns about looking good to others go.

[eternalsummer]

Seriously, I would have been a disaster with expensive jeans and dishes that needed special treatment and boots that couldn't be worn for boot duty.

 

I'd try to find some boots that are farm-durable and also look good.  That seems like the easiest solution to that problem.  

 

I wouldn't ever spend that much money on jeans ever.  I would be much clearer when asking her to do the dishes - say just the pots in the sink, or something.

[nd293]

I might be wrong but it sounds as though you get her way too much stuff and she doesn't value it. Stop buying stuff? That seems like the obvious solution. If she has 3 pairs of jeans and she gets paint on one then she wears a pair of jeans with paint on. If she cracks the iPhone screen she uses an iPhone with a cracked screen and if it breaks she can have no phone or a 'dumb phone'. If she wrecks the headphones she buys new ones or she listens to her online classes without headphones. It's hard to see what the issue is here. Just let natural consequences teach the lesson. Don't replace stuff and have her figure out how to earn to replace the rest. You can't make a naturally careless person care (my dd is exactly like this) but they will learn to prioritise care of certain items that are important to them.

Edited November 5, 2016 by nd293

[Tanaqui]

But you are right. Maybe I care too much. When I think about it I am sensitive to this because we are a large family and I feel very judged for this. I don't want the kids to dress frumpy and incite more judgement. We live in an area where large families are not the norm.

 

Anybody who is judging you for allowing your 15 year old daughter autonomy in choosing her own clothes is a jerk. Ignore them. Who matters more to you, anyway? Those jerks, or your own daughter?

 

[lauraw4321]

Basically everything you have written sounds like ADHD. Please have her evaluated.

[Janeway]

I'm kind of at my wits end here and hoping I can get some advice.  My oldest daughter simply doesn't care about stuff.  I don't know how else to describe it.  She's not depressed, that's now what I mean.  She simply does not take care of anything.  I'll give a few examples but these are just the tip of the iceberg:

 

1.  We buy her nice new runners.  I tell her all the time to please don't leave them tied then wear them with her heels crushing the back of the shoe.  She insists its "just for a few seconds" and keeps doing it.  Over and over.  Within a month the shoes are destroyed.  The plastic has come out of the fabric and now cuts into her heels when she wears them properly and she needs new shoes.

 

2.  She needs to help do some painting.  I ask her to wear her ugliest clothes.  She chooses a pair of new looking $120 Guess jeans stating that they are her worst jeans.  They aren't but I thought that maybe the ones that I had in mind were either in the garbage or she had outgrown them.  Plus I don't want to control what she wears.  However, when I go to do her laundry in her pile I see the ugly jeans that I had in mind (2 pairs of them).  She claims she "forgot" about her uglier ones and shrugs.  Meanwhile, $120 of jeans are wrecked.  We wear the same size and I could have had them if she didn't like them.

 

3. She needs a headset for her online classes.  She is very careless with it, leaving it everywhere.  During her classes she often curls the cord and bends it and even chews on it.  The cord gets wrecked.  It is the third set of headsets we have had to buy her for this reason in the past 2 years.  I keep asking her to put them away (she has a hook especially set up for that reason.  In fact, she has 2 hooks so she has choice of location) and to not chew on the cord.

 

4.  I ask her to do some dishes.  She goes and takes my nice Pampered Chef stoneware and covers them in dish soap.  She knows not to use soap on the stoneware as we have had this discussion a lot of times.  In fact, I don't even ask her to wash the stoneware and she could have simply washed the 8 other pots, pans and lids that have accumulated instead.

 

5.  We got her an iPhone 2 years ago.  I bought her a nice case to go with it (she chose the case).  She broke the case.  Get her another case she chose.  She keeps taking the case off and on and off and on.  Breaks that case.  Buy her a third case and now she simply opts out of using a case at all.  We keep telling her to use a case, but she says oh ya, I just took off the case, I'll put it back, but doesn't.  Finally she cracks the screen.  Doesn't phase her.  I keep telling her to use the case.  We take away the phone if she doesn't use the case.  Nothing seems to get through to her.  Finally she smashes the entire back of her phone- all the glass shatters.  She feels remorseful about that but it's still usable so she's not really phased.  Next, she smashes the entire front of the screen and we are left with no choice but to get her a new phone. Now we are back to the same battles about the case...

 

6.  I bought her some nice Hunter boots.  They fit me but I wanted her to have them.  She loves them but while she has a pair of "farm rubber boots" she wears her nice Hunter boots to do all her farm chores.  I ask her to please not do that as it will wreck the boots and she should save them to go out.  She insists that it's not a problem and nothing is going to happen or "it was just to run hay to the goats".  Within 2 months she managed to put huge holes in both boots and they are totalled.  So now, she has to wear her ugly farm boots to go out (we visit other farms and other ag events) and she's not happy that they're ugly.

 

She hates shopping.  Often, she will ask me to go out and buy her clothes as I know what colour and styles she likes and she just hates shopping.  While usually we are quite comfortable, finances have been really awful for us this past year.  Very up and down, and more down than up.  I've had to be very careful about spending so most of our purchases (clothes) have been from thrift stores.  That said, I spend hours looking for the nice brand name clothes that are in new condition.  While I think she appreciates this, she really doesn't care for brands or fashion at all.  Thing is, we live in a world that does and she's in enough classes and activities with kids who *do* care that it is important to me that she dresses well.  It isn't unheard of for us to get to an activity only to find that she's thrown on a shirt with holes in it (because it's her favorite and she's worn it so many times) or has a stain on the front.

 

Now, I realize that we buy her things and that she should have control over what she does with them, but it is disheartening (and very expensive) to watch her destroy everything we buy for her.  It takes money away from other kids who could use nice designer clothes or brand name shoes or toys or whatever.  The above are just some examples.  She just doesn't really care much to take care of things.  She had an iPad that we bought her one year and then lost it.  It bothered her for a bit and then she shrugged and claimed she didn't use it anyways.  Things like that I would have preferred to pass on to a younger sibling rather than just lose. 

 

Would this bother anyone else as a mother?  Do I just let it go and let her wreck things and do as she pleases?  She's very sweet, polite, thoughtful and considerate.  Everyone who meets her really likes her and says she's such a kind girl.  She really is, but she can't seem to take care of stuff or care much about it.  What do I do?

 

I hope to delete this later.  I don't want to complain about her on the internet but I don't know if this is my issue or hers.  I'm sad at how much money we have spent on her on things that just get wrecked and broken but I love her enough to want her to have nice things.  I don't know how to find a balance or if maybe I'm just out to lunch.  I don't want to be an awful mother so I'm here asking for some advice.  Please be kind.  I'm at a loss here. 

Umm...no..you buy her things so therefore..she should have control over them..but who has control over her? And why did you buy her $120 jeans when she does not take care of things?

 

What she needs replaced, you should purchase her for Christmas. And her next pair of jeans should be cheap ones. It sounds like only you care about her having expensive things and then you get upset when she does not treat them well. She treats them like they are the cheap things she actually wants. She is simply not a detail person nor is she an image person. She does not care about the details of nice clothes, nor does she care to have the expensive stuff. If you care about her having the expensive stuff, I think you either need to accept that the stuff will get destroyed, or let her have the cheaper stuff. You seem to let her do whatever she wants with her stuff, but you are not letting her pick what her stuff is.

Edited November 5, 2016 by Janeway

[luuknam]

Thanks everyone.  I get what you are saying and I am realizing that yes, the clothes thing is my issue.  The clothes was just an example because it was fresh on my mind today but it really is everything.  She'll go feed the animals and leave the feed bucket out in field and it'll get kicked around and wrecked.  Sure, it's only $15 or so but it all starts adding.  She'll catch one of the horses to work on it then brush it and leave the brushes on the fence and they get ruined by the rain, she leaves lead ropes and they fall in the mud.  I'll buy books for the family and she'll leave them around with the spine upwards in an "A" to hold her page.- and she only does this to the family books, not her prized ones.  She shoves things in drawers and pages get bent.  It's mostly little things but once you add them all up, it does get to be expensive and frustrating to me.

 

With my oldest, I fine him when he does certain things that would potentially end up costing money. When he was 6yo, I fined him iirc a week's worth of allowance every time I found his glasses on the floor, etc, whether they were broken or not. I fined him a a few weeks worth of allowance a few weeks ago when he dropped the iPad down the stairs twice, even though it wasn't broken, because if I wait for him to actually break it he wouldn't have enough money to pay for it at once, and suspending his allowance for a year or longer would be too much - he's 9 and has high-functioning autism, so immediate consequences are better than the risk of having to pay for the entire iPad if it were to happen to break. So far he's learned very quickly how not to get fined (I think the glasses and the iPad are the only things I've ever fined him over - oh, and I made him pay once for a poster he destroyed - but overall he's managed to keep most of his allowance). For a 15yo I might only make the kid pay if something were actually broken - not sure yet, I'm not there yet.

 

So, I'd either make her pay for the feed ruined by the rain, or I'd fine her whenever I come across a bucket of feed left out whether it's ruined by rain or not. If consequences like that don't make any difference, she either has too much money, or she'd need an ADHD evaluation and possibly meds.

[theelfqueen]

Perhaps set a budget for her and put her in charge of buying her own things ... yes, she has to shop. Make her aware of the hassle and the spending and don't buy replacements for things that shouldn't be worn out for her. If her budget runs out because she has to rebuy things ...

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[KungFuPanda]

I skipped to the end. I get that you should take care of your things, but it sounds like this is a sweet, considerate kid who doesn't care about "stuff." Stop hunting down brand name anything and just get sturdy, serviceable stuff. Or give her a set budget to purchase her own necessities and wash your hands of it. She runs out of money she does without for a while.

 

Eta: get her measurements and just shop online. She might be more cooperative if she can just point to a picture.

Edited November 5, 2016 by KungFuPanda

[slackermom]

I am not sure about how to make her care, but you can certainly require that she comply with certain standards. It sounds like you have expectations of her, and then get disappointed that she does not meet them, but it seems from your descriptions that you do not really require her to meet your expectations. I do think that you do need to let go of some of the expectations, especially around her personal preferences for clothing. On other things, like chores, set a standard, expect her to meet it, and coach her as needed to meet the standard. If she is expected to wash dishes, tell her what she needs to wash. If it is not done right, she goes back and does is again. If she makes a mess with animal feed, she needs to go clean it up. If she is wearing your clothes without permission, send her to go change into something else. It may not make her care, but it will make her treat you and your household with respect.

[Amy in NH]

Let her go with broken painty stuff or go without. Let her get a job (not from you) and earn money to buy the things she must have.

 

My kids have never owned a pair of $100 jeans. That's just crazy.

[heartlikealion]

I'm confused as well. Were the pants purchased at the price point of $120 or that was the original value? You said you often shop at thrift stores so I'm not sure if you bought those in a department store or what. I would just buy inexpensive jeans, period. And not worry about the brand, either. Depending on what you wear, no one can even read the label, anyway. A belt or long shirt often covers it up. Well not the little red tab like on Levis, but some other types.

 

I would buy cheap headphones. Could she use speakers instead of headphones? And just close the door? What about the headphones that are part of a headband? I know they make the children's ones. I don't think they all require bluetooth but the adult ones might.

 

Get rid of the shirts with stains/holes or tell her those are specifically for things like painting if you don't want her wearing them. I wouldn't want my child leaving the house in the really ratty shirt, either.

 

Agree about shopping online... that may be a good way to deal with the shopping. I've been ok with the quality of the jeans we get ds from target and The Children's Place and they all cost under $10. I am sure you can find something decent without hunting down the thrift store aisle if that's a headache.

[AndyJoy]

Except for the doesn't seem to care what she's wearing part, this sounds sooooooo much like the frustrations my mom (and I!) had with my teenage sister. She left the cordless phone outside in the rain, ruined tools by not putting them away as taught, borrowed/lost/ruined our clothes without seeming to care, left my books open face down after constant reminders not to, shoved important, delicate things in drawers and spilled makeup in there, used too much shampoo/conditioner, ruined the good towels by taking makeup off with them, and on and on. She never seemed to understand the value of money, or connect with the idea that a little preventative care would prevent disasters. As a young adult she was diagnosed with ADHD and it really gave us some 20/20 hindsight into her behaviors.

Edited November 5, 2016 by AndyJoy

[AndyJoy]

Some things that helped with my sister were/are:

 

1. A budget for clothes and toiletries with no bailouts or loans. There were a few detailed jobs she could do for a bit of extra money if desperate.

 

2. She had to do her own laundry, and was not allowed to do anyone else's or pull our wet clothes out of the washer, as she was apt to ignore instructions and ruin ours or leave them mildewing in a basket.

 

3. She was banned from borrowing my clothes, as I was very forgiving but she'd "burn" me over and over again.

 

4. As an adult she became a minimalist and it revolutionized her life. She is much less scattered when she only has a few things to keep track of. Wearing the same 2-3 main outfits has been a lifesaver for her.

[DawnM]

Let her go with broken painty stuff or go without. Let her get a job (not from you) and earn money to buy the things she must have.

 

My kids have never owned a pair of $100 jeans. That's just crazy.

 

For that matter, *I* have never worn $100 jeans.

 

OP, find a brand that is similar but more of a knock off, that is what we do.  In fact, someone on this board told me about Kirkland jeans.  They actually fit my son a little better than the Gap jeans.

 

Gap jeans were $65 regularly, $45 on sale.

 

Kirkland brand were on sale for $15.  He can get THREE pair for the cost of 1 pr. of Gap jeans.  

 

You can still look nice in non-name brand clothing.  I promise.

 

As for the headphones, I would get her a pair of toddler proof headphones, the kind even little kids can't destroy.  No one will see her in that outside the home anyway.

 

Same for the boots to wear to work on the farm.  Sturdy, indestructible, no one else needs to see them.

 

Jeans: $20-$25 can get you a decent pair.

[Arcadia]

My DS11 loves curling the wire for the headset until it breaks. So we get him the $11 one (cheaper on sale in store) because it is cheap enough to buy multiples. For him it is fidgeting issue, when we switch to Bluetooth headsets, his pens were dismantled and reassembled during online class time.

 

This is the cheap headset model that he used for online classes for years. We bought a few. https://www.amazon.com/Gear-Head-Multimedia-Microphone-AU3700S/dp/B004RJJT70

 

I have tried Hunter wellington boots at Nordstrom Rack. I find Sorel, Kamik, Bog equally comfortable and usually cheaper. I get Sorel winter boots on sale at REI.