busymama7 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Let's say one spouse is trying to lose weight by following a specific eating plan. The other spouse sees the one trying to lose eating something that is clearly not on their plan and not a healthy choice in any way shape or form. The spouse says to the other "so are you giving up?" The spouse who is trying to lose gets angry at the spouse who said that but the spouse is defensive and says they were being supportive. Says that they thought they were supporting each other. This spouse is not attempting to lose weight, (really doesn't need to more than 5-10 lbs maybe). The spouse who ate the cookie is angry and upset but the other is defensive and sure that that was a way of offering support. Comments? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 One of two things: There's a lot of other things going on in the relationship that are being played out in the form of "support" and cookies. OR The "supportive" spouse may actually think he's being supportive but is absolutely clueless. I'd take it for what it is and let it go. I'm sorry. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) The cookie eater made a poor choice if they stated they were avoiding a good and then ate it, and yes, some people think they're being supportive by pointing it out. But unless the other person requested accountability the diet police thing rarely does any good. So the cookie eater would do well to politely tell the other that they will manage their own intake and would appreciate no comments on it one way or the other, to make that clear. It's easy to clear up with a little communication - if the cookie eater doesn't want editorial comments, supportive or otherwise, make that plain and then do NOT request accountability from the other spouse. If the cookie eater wants accountability and then gets upset when the other spouse tries to give it, the cookie eater is the one at fault. If the cookie eater has asked for no comments and still gets them then the frustration is warranted. Edited October 10, 2016 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Let's say one spouse is trying to lose weight by following a specific eating plan. The other spouse sees the one trying to lose eating something that is clearly not on their plan and not a healthy choice in any way shape or form. The spouse says to the other "so are you giving up?" The spouse who is trying to lose gets angry at the spouse who said that but the spouse is defensive and says they were being supportive. Says that they thought they were supporting each other. This spouse is not attempting to lose weight, (really doesn't need to more than 5-10 lbs maybe). The spouse who ate the cookie is angry and upset but the other is defensive and sure that that was a way of offering support. Comments? I would not consider 'so you are giving up?' to be a supportive comment. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I'd think the spouse *thinks* they're being helpful, when what they're really being is extremely negative. (sending the message that one infraction means complete failure. I hope their boss doesn't treat them that way at their job.. . . one infraction means failure means fired.) I hope they're good at ducking, because I'd probably punch him. I would offer suggestions of what support *actually looks/sounds like!* 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 This "so are you giving up?" would sound provocative of a verbal fight in my extended family. I have overweight or diabetic relatives and there are nicer ways to point out that someone is deviating from diet. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I think the spouse thinks they were being supportive but clearly for the dieting spouse it isn't supportive. Although, I do know people who specifically ask for that type of support. The dieting spouse needs to sit down and recognize that other spouse was trying to be supportive but for her/him it is not. Then give examples of how they can be supportive 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Supportive would be not offering the spouse a cookie or dangling one in front of him/her. Spouse is an adult and can decide on his or her own whether to eat the cookie, and that decision shouldn't be passive aggressively swiped at by the other spouse. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I guess it depends on the dynamic and whether or not the couple agreed on ground rules. Dh gets very touchy if I eat something that he has given up and vice versa. And if I gave up something and then ate it and he pointed it out, I probably wouldn't be too happy but I would know he was trying to keep me on track. Sometimes we do get tough with each other, like tell each other not to buy something. Once food gets in the house all bets are off. I'd probably consider these options for the future (any or all) • no commenting on what I eat • eat "forbidden" food in private • remove forbidden foods from home Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I can see how a spouse might think that was supportive. If it was me eating and my spouse said that I'd eat 3 more cookies just because. Personally I would rather hear something like (and tone makes a difference) "Hey, I know you're trying to lose weight. Do you want to go for a walk right now? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I do not consider that a supportive remark. Whether it's rudeness or a clueless misstep is hard to tell. If the cookie-eater (who is well within his or her right to eat a cookie without having any kind of assumptions made) were to point out that a more supportive way to put that might be a politely stated question with no implied assumption or judgment, the commenting spouse's answer could be telling. "Oops. I didn't realize how that sounded. I meant to be supportive. I'm sorry." (clueless misstep) vs. "I was just trying to be supportive. What's your problem?" (rude) Most of us can be a little clueless at times. Part of being supportive is being willing to recognize that it wasn't received as such. After all, the point of offering support is to help the other party feel *supported*. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 In our house Dh would probably like me to lose weight. I strongly try not to frame losing weight for his sake because yes, when I am mad at him about something I will eat rubbish. Which is dumb and stupid but it's how I am so I am much happier if my Dh stays right away from any comments about weight or what I choose to eat. I do best dieting when I do it alone because I made up my mind to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 This is gonna sound bad, but was anyone especially irritable due to hunger or PMS or the like? Because honestly, it sounds like overreaction to me. Yes, some cluelessness, but not to the point that it's worth nursing anger over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I'd think the spouse *thinks* they're being helpful, when what they're really being is extremely negative. (sending the message that one infraction means complete failure. I hope their boss doesn't treat them that way at their job.. . . one infraction means failure means fired.) I hope they're good at ducking, because I'd probably punch him. I would offer suggestions of what support *actually looks/sounds like!* Right. I think the dieting spouse should clearly explain if they would like for the non-dieting spouse to encourage different choices or if they even want the non-dieting spouse to be a form of accountability. Maybe encouragement for successes ONLY is good, while accountability is NOT needed or desired. And the dieting person who is tackling this difficult road gets to decide. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
busymama7 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) This is gonna sound bad, but was anyone especially irritable due to hunger or PMS or the like? Because honestly, it sounds like overreaction to me. Yes, some cluelessness, but not to the point that it's worth nursing anger over. Possibly. I am on my cycle and really uptight today. He came to me and sincerely apologized. I was more annoyed that he actually thought it was supportive than if he just said something stupid and owned it, you know? I admit that I'm an extremely difficult "dieter". It's why I usually just give up. But I am finally being treated for thyroid and hormonal issues and am losing for the first time in more than 20 years despite trying many plans etc. It is a hard balance because my kids really miss things like Sunday evening homemade cookies. I had decided to make them today for the first time in many months and then eat just one. This is not falling off the wagon for me because I know how much better I feel and I am actually losing. I was eating the cookie in peace with no emotional hang ups over it which is why it really hurt and triggered what may have been an overreaction. We are back on speaking terms and I wish I hadnt posted anything. 😒 Edited October 10, 2016 by busymama7 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
busymama7 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 Right. I think the dieting spouse should clearly explain if they would like for the non-dieting spouse to encourage different choices or if they even want the non-dieting spouse to be a form of accountability. Maybe encouragement for successes ONLY is good, while accountability is NOT needed or desired. And the dieting person who is tackling this difficult road gets to decide. I would like to have him as partner in this but he's really not capable of it as I am pretty fragile emotionally and he just doesn't know how to say the right things. Really saying anything to me just needs to be off limits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 P It is a hard balance because my kids really miss things like Sunday evening homemade cookies. I had decided to make them today for the first time in many months and then eat just one. This is not falling off the wagon for me because I know how much better I feel and I am actually losing. I was eating the cookie in peace with no emotional hang ups over it which is why it really hurt and triggered what may have been an overreaction. It was nice of you to take the time to make cookies for your kids. I'm sure they appreciated it. Good for you for being able to enjoy one without the emotional baggage. Sounds like you're doing well in your efforts. Congratulations! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 When I'm following a specific eating plan it does impact on other people in the family - it influences what we eat and what food I keep in the house and invariably there'll be some listening to me moan about my weight and my food options. So I think my spouse would be within rights to comment. Whether it's meant as supportive is harder to ascertain, and whatever the intention, I still wouldn't be happy about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I would simply say "No, I have not given up. This was a planned treat taken in moderation." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I would have bitten his fool head off. But then, I do have red hair. PS I would have forgiven him later. And returned his precious little head. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) It's obnoxious. I'm sure the cookie eater is well aware that the cookie isn't in the diet plan. Then to say "are you giving up" feels more like a taunt than a comment of genuine concern or care. Edited October 10, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I'm glad things are ok now. You could give him this list of what support looks like. Offering to cook something healthy if you are considering take out just because your way too tired to cook Making sure you have enough time for exercise and Drs appointments and self care Offering compliments on how well you are doing that don't in anyway make you feel bad about how you felt before Non supportive things include criticising when you take a small treat Criticising the way you eat or look at all. Part of learning to successfully maintain weight includes figuring out to enjoy small indulgences without over indulging. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I asked my DH about this. He thought there were better ways of wording it, but wasn't as phased by it as I was. Although he said he would never say something like it to me (he values his life). He then said if your spouse wants to REALLY show support he should eat all of the cookies so you aren't tempted. :lol: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) My husband finds it hard to know how to be supportive when I am trying to lose weight. He just doesn't know the right things to say. In general, if I am complaining a lot about not being able to eat this or that, he'll be more inclined to say something and it might or might not sound super supportive to my ears. (I am not saying you were complaining.) So I try not to talk about it much, but if I plan to eat a cookie or something otherwise "off plan" I will say something like "I'm not having any bread today so I can have a cookie tonight." My first husband would say stuff like "you won't lose any weight." When I'd protest, he'd say "prove me wrong." That was his way of being supportive. :-/ ETA: funny, I found it pretty easy to lose weight after we split up. But that was 30 years and two kids ago; it's not so easy now. :-) Edited October 10, 2016 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I'm glad things are better. :) One other option is that "so have you given up" could have been a totally benign comment, meant for no purpose other than making conversation. Clunky--yes. But it doesn't necessarily have to have been non-supportive. Communication isn't an exact science, especially where men are involved. ;) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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