super introverted child

[bethben]

My #3 is almost 12 and is very introverted.  He doesn't really look you in the eyes when he talks to you and seems to have some emotional issues that come out now and then.  I have tried to get him involved in different things, but the timing of the activities doesn't work for our family and me taking care of his older sibling with special needs.  When he does go to activities/ groups, he interacts fine for the most part but that is where it ends.  He doesn't make connections and would rather just be by himself anyway.  He does go to a once a week all day enrichment program where there are other boys in the class.  I've asked if he wants to have them over.  Nope.  His sports interests are things like running or tennis - activities that are solo sports for the most part.

 

I'm a little concerned that as he starts going through puberty, that he is going to tend toward depression unless we can stop this path he seems to be taking right now.  Public school is not an option and I'm wondering if he needs counseling.  Private school is way too expensive around here.  I could pay tuition at a local college for the same cost.  

 

The thing is - he reminds me a lot of myself.  I too was incredibly introverted and socially awkward for a while.  It took until I was 16-17 before I started to feel decent in my own skin.  Going to school did nothing for all of that and only made me introverted with low self esteem.  

 

So, should we be seeing a counselor?  Would that even help?  

[Terabith]

What kinds of special needs does his older brother have?

 

I only ask because counseling doesn't sound like it is necessarily a counseling issue, but it might be worth ruling out autistic issues.

[bethben]

His older brother has a chromosome disorder with cerebral palsy.  Totally different playing field than autism.  If it is autism, it would be mild.  He can step up to the social platform if he needs to.  Last time we had a group of families over to our house he and a bunch of boys his age were running around playing great together.  He was having fun - laughing, goofing around...  I offered to have some of those boys over.  Nope.  I think part of it is he just doesn't want to bother.  He told me his dream career one day.  He was going to open a factory in the Amazon someday run entirely by robots.  I said, "So you don't have to have to interact with people?"  Yup.

[cjzimmer1]

Honestly he sounds a lot like my oldest at that age.  DS just never really found his "group"  He was 16 when he found someone who "got" him and he's grown so much since then.  It started with that one person but once he started that connection it has grown.  While still very introverted, I see him actively reaching out to other very introverted kids who we know share the same interests.  So really I wouldn't worry too much about it at this age.  Not everyone needs to be social and personally I found it unpleasant when others tried to force me into things when I didn't enjoy being around others.  I think this is something that will sort itself out in time.  Either he will find a group and find interactions more pleasant or he is the type who truely doesn't need much company outside of family.

[Ravin]

Is he happy by himself? Because I was when I was young. I like to go out and do things, but by myself as often as or more often than with someone.

 

Never mind peers, how social is he with you as a family?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Has he been evaluated for Autism Spectrum Disorder?  Kids with ASD can "step up to the plate" for short periods of time depending on where they are on the spectrum. 

[MEmama]

He sounds like a perfectly normal preteen boy to me. I don't think I understand why you are concerned. Introversion isn't a disorder or anything you can "fix".

 

Is he concerned? Does he feel like he's missing out, or is he content?

Edited September 27, 2016 by MEmama

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree with MEmama.  My 14 year old is similar.  I ask him now and then how he is feeling, if he wants to go out and meet more people, etc.  He is happy with himself and his life so what more is there to do?  I'm not going to force him to do stuff to make other people more comfortable with the situation.  KWIM?  Now if he were struggling or unhappy then yes I'd do something to help.

 

Curious, does he have any vision issues?  I don't look people in the eyes and I assumed it was my introversion, but I no longer believe that is the problem.  My vision is just lousy and looking people in the eyes is physically annoying.  Their eyes look blurry if I get too close.  So does their face.  So who wants to stare at a blurry face?  This might not be the situation at all, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

 

 

[TechWife]

I don't see anything alarming at all. Introversion isn't a bad thing. It just is. Introverts aren't depressed. I don't see this as  "path" that needs to be stopped. It's important that you get to know him as he is and not try to make him be someone he isn't. 

[Ali in OR]

Lots of geeks (of which I am one) feel this way and blossom when they find the other geeks. Often they're in band or on the robotics team, perhaps the chess club or in drama. I might try to get my kid into one of those programs to try to find people she is comfortable with. But then after that activity, it's perfectly fine to look forward to being home alone to decompress!

[bethben]

I ask him if he's satisfied with his life and happy.  Most of the time he answers yes.  Sometimes, he has issues that he brings up like:

 

--He doesn't have a friend who makes him laugh that can get him away from his sister.  Yet, when he did have friends that understood him and he got along with, he didn't ask to have them over or even say yes when I asked if he wanted to have his buddy over.  Little sister is a very intense personality but she's found friends in the neighborhood so she's not always intense around him as much now.

--He has personal issues with his dad.  That we're working on.  

[Pawz4me]

As someone with an older teen who was just diagnosed with ASD1, I think in your shoes I'd at least consider having him evaluated. DS can "step up to the plate" quite well when necessary, although maybe not as easily as he could when he was your DS's age. As DS has gotten older and the "plate" has gotten more complicated (more nuanced with higher level social stuff required of teens versus younger kids) it's definitely gotten to be more challenging for him. Even if you don't want to have him evaluated, then maybe look for a social skills class? That's definitely a can't hurt, might help kind of thing. I'm an introvert and I do think it's a perfectly fine thing to be. But your DS sounds conflicted--he wants social interaction and yet he doesn't. That would raise alarm bells about ASD to me.

[MEmama]

I ask him if he's satisfied with his life and happy. Most of the time he answers yes. Sometimes, he has issues that he brings up like:

 

--He doesn't have a friend who makes him laugh that can get him away from his sister. Yet, when he did have friends that understood him and he got along with, he didn't ask to have them over or even say yes when I asked if he wanted to have his buddy over. Little sister is a very intense personality but she's found friends in the neighborhood so she's not always intense around him as much now.

--He has personal issues with his dad. That we're working on.

My boy isn't interested in having friends over or hanging out with most people, even kids he likes. He is extremely selective in who he befriends, and has had long spells of having no one at all. It doesn't bother him at all. He likes other people, he just doesn't have the need or desire to actually hang out with them. When he was younger I would go through periods of doubt, but honestly I don't think it's unusual at all.

 

Boys at this age are weird, awkward and conflicted creatures. Your description doesn't raise any red flags for me at all.

[City Mouse]

As long as he can interact appropriate I wouldn't worry about it to much. It sounds like he has the necessary social skills but prefers to be alone. If you want him to have more social interaction, maybe have him volunteer somewhere. I do much better in social settings when I have a task to accomplish rather that just "hanging out" with people

[zoobie]

Has he always avoided eye contact? Has he been evaluated for autism? Or depression, since that what you seem to be worried about at the moment? It could be normal or it could be a red flag for something else happening.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I ask him if he's satisfied with his life and happy.  Most of the time he answers yes.  Sometimes, he has issues that he brings up like:

 

--He doesn't have a friend who makes him laugh that can get him away from his sister.  Yet, when he did have friends that understood him and he got along with, he didn't ask to have them over or even say yes when I asked if he wanted to have his buddy over.  Little sister is a very intense personality but she's found friends in the neighborhood so she's not always intense around him as much now.

--He has personal issues with his dad.  That we're working on.  

 

I think "most of the time answers yes" is good.  if he said he was fantastic all the time, I'd wonder about that!  Nobody is fantastic all the time!  LOL

 

I try to separate introversion from other issues.  Introversion is not IMO an issue.  Maybe social awkwardness, etc. is more common among introverts, but not necessarily and I don't think they are related.  And you know we put up with the message that we are supposed to want to have tons of friends and be around people most of the time.  So we then also have to separate which part we are truly upset by, the introversion from the not measuring up to what we think people expect of us.  I would say as a kid 90% of any problem I had was thinking I didn't measure up to other people's expectations rather than being truly upset about my personality.  Once I figured this out I was much happier. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

This is not to say you shouldn't pursue an outside opinion.  I'm not an expert and can only tell you about me and my family members.  That may be useful or not.  I don't know.

 

 

[Guest]

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Edited September 9, 2020 by Æthelthryth the Texan

[SparklyUnicorn]

Lots of geeks (of which I am one) feel this way and blossom when they find the other geeks. Often they're in band or on the robotics team, perhaps the chess club or in drama. I might try to get my kid into one of those programs to try to find people she is comfortable with. But then after that activity, it's perfectly fine to look forward to being home alone to decompress!

 

Definitely.  My kid has met some people he has hit it off with via computer programming type clubs.  Only thing in his way at this point is his age because most of these people are a few years older, but are adults.  And I understand the hesitation and issues with adults being friends with kids outside of more public and structured activities. 

[bethben]

I think "most of the time answers yes" is good.  if he said he was fantastic all the time, I'd wonder about that!  Nobody is fantastic all the time!  LOL

 

I try to separate introversion from other issues.  Introversion is not IMO an issue.  Maybe social awkwardness, etc. is more common among introverts, but not necessarily and I don't think they are related.  And you know we put up with the message that we are supposed to want to have tons of friends and be around people most of the time.  So we then also have to separate which part we are truly upset by, the introversion from the not measuring up to what we think people expect of us.  I would say as a kid 90% of any problem I had was thinking I didn't measure up to other people's expectations rather than being truly upset about my personality.  Once I figured this out I was much happier. 

 

Yes.  It took me until almost college to be comfortable in my own skin and into my 30s almost 40s to be comfortable with my own personality.  School was not a good experience for me.  it's not why we're homeschooling, but just an aside note.  Ds seems to be very comfortable with himself.  He doesn't mind the lack of friendships for the most part.  I do think he longs for a good friend, but he also has to want it enough to do something about it.  He is exposed to other kids his age and I am very willing to get him involved in things that interest him.

 

We're praying that we know what to do with him.  If we need outside counsel, that we would be led to what he needs.  I'm open to it, but don't want to stir up something that doesn't exist.  There are weird dynamics going on in our family right now and we have to sort out what weirdness gets dealt with first.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes.  It took me until almost college to be comfortable in my own skin and into my 30s almost 40s to be comfortable with my own personality.  School was not a good experience for me.  it's not why we're homeschooling, but just an aside note.  Ds seems to be very comfortable with himself.  He doesn't mind the lack of friendships for the most part.  I do think he longs for a good friend, but he also has to want it enough to do something about it.  He is exposed to other kids his age and I am very willing to get him involved in things that interest him.

 

We're praying that we know what to do with him.  If we need outside counsel, that we would be led to what he needs.  I'm open to it, but don't want to stir up something that doesn't exist.  There are weird dynamics going on in our family right now and we have to sort out what weirdness gets dealt with first.  

 

School was an ok experience for me. Not great, but not bad either. 

 

I bet those with tons of friends can sometimes long for a good friend.  There are chums and then there are people we cherish on a much deeper level.  Those don't come so easily and a lot of introverts value that type of friendship more and so it takes longer, more effort, and sometimes just plain out luck.  What options do kids have for meeting people? Those who are in close proximity and that is about it. 

 

Every family has weird dynamics. 

[Sara in AZ]

I have a daughter like this. I actually wrote a post similar to this once! For my DD, I think she likes the idea of friends more than the work to maintain friendships, if that makes sense. Because truth be told, 95% of the time she prefers her own company to that of others. She is definitely not on any spectrum, it's just her personality. I have occasionally let other people get me into a tizzy about it, but finally figured out, it's just her. What has worked well are her friendships with other super extroverted people. They have so many friends buzzing about they don't get their feelings hurt when DD checks out for a bit. When she gets lonely she texts them and they hang out like they just saw each other a day ago.

 

At the point you and DS are at, I wouldn't worry at all. I think it might just be his personality. Unless he WANTS to hang out with kids and can't figure out how to make that happen, I wouldn't worry right now.

I think this describes my DD who is almost 14 fairly well. She has always been very shy and spends a lot of time alone. This has always really bothered me because my personality is very different.

 

I know she enjoys being with her friends and is happy when invitations are extended to her, but I have to really pester her to ever plan anything with them. Her friends are kind of the same way. 😊 They get along great if they ever manage to make a plan!

 

At one point, when DD was 11 ish we did take her to counseling for a year or so because I was really worried about her social development and knew that anxiety runs in the family. I don't think it was really helpful at all. I think she would have developed the same regardless. Each year she comes out of her shell just a little more in ways that are noticeable (my friends, teachers, people at church comment to me about it.)

 

In the past we have wondered if she might be slightly on the spectrum (MIL has asperger's), but careful observation (and the counselor) have shown us she is not for various reasons.

 

She is currently enrolled at a classical charter school because by 7th grade I was tired of her dragging through her work at home so slowly and spending so much time in her room alone. Her two best friends go there,and it has been a really positive experience for her. Being in the classroom and responsible for contributing to the class discussions has been wonderful for her and helped her to develop in ways I couldn't replicate at home.

[Terabith]

My kids have had a lot of peer success with role playing groups.

[MotherGoose]

How about social anxiety disorder? Is he anxious about his peer interactions and "messing up" and that's why he avoids them? That's how I was. As in I was shy, not just introverted. I wanted friends, but I was too scared to reach out for fear of rejection. I think lack of eye contact, etc. speaks to social anxiety more than just introverts. True introverts can manage interactions fine, it's just that it drains them instead if energizes them. Perhaps explore that angle a bit?

[bethben]

I don't see social anxiety.  I see that he really just doesn't care.  Now, we have to teach him how to love people but that's a whole different scenario.

[heartlikealion]

I don't see social anxiety.  I see that he really just doesn't care.  Now, we have to teach him how to love people but that's a whole different scenario.

 

Introverted people need to be alone to recharge. Playing with other kids may be very draining to him. Perhaps that's why he's so "meh" about inviting people over. He may know that afterwards he'll be exhausted or want to be alone. I don't like to be around people for long periods and have trouble finding alone time to recharge. I don't know that a child would "get" that this is a need and be able to express it.

 

[MomatHWTK]

My extroverts exhaust the introverts in our house. We have to take turns being "on" with the extroverts and then go recharge. If ONLY I could get the two extroverts to talk to each other!

 

Your Ds probably gets all the interaction he wants or needs if you have an extrovert sibling in the house. If he isn't unhappy, then he's just an introvert. That's ok.

 

I do think it is important to provide him with social skills training on how to make conversation, etc. so he can 'fake it to make it' in extrovert land. However, that training doesn't have to be hands-on. I learned a great deal from studying social psychology and business networking materials. 

 

It is possible to see the value in others without needing to interact with them. Do you KNOW that he doesn't like people or are you just making assumptions based on how you think he should respond to others?

Edited September 28, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited October 5, 2016 by 1' n'ye

[Guest]

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Edited September 9, 2020 by Æthelthryth the Texan

[Plink]

The avoidance of eye contact is the only concern I have with your description.  Introversion is normal.  Desiring to be with people but when given the choice, choosing to be alone is normal.  Avoiding eye contact is not.

 

How does he feel when he is forced to look someone in the eye?  Anxious?  Uncomfortable?  If so, then I'd look into professional evaluation.  If he simply isn't in the habit of eye contact because of whatever reason, he may benefit from a social skills class where he can intentionally practice in a safe environment.

[Plink]

I don't see social anxiety.  I see that he really just doesn't care.  Now, we have to teach him how to love people but that's a whole different scenario.

 

Adding on to my previous post because I  just saw this.  --- Is he adopted and/or dealing with an attachment disorder?  If so, your issues may go far deeper than your original post revealed.  

[Farrar]

I feel like it's always a tricky line. Introverts need more time alone, but most - and Bethben's posts seem to indicate this is true - really like to have a couple of good, close friends they can really connect with sometimes. The problem is that getting those friends takes time and effort that severely introverted people don't always like to put into socializing. Except, then, they can end up isolated and genuinely lonely.

 

I think it's a mistake to pathologize introversion. Years ago, after a week of visiting a friend once, I simply couldn't go out to a bar with her for night six of socializing. When she came home later, she was like, "Have you ever considered getting help for this?" and I swear I nearly punched her. But I think it's also a mistake to dismiss that there are pitfalls and potential problems with being an introvert as well.

 

I think the best thing is when people understand that they have to do things to overcome their personality tendencies sometimes to keep themselves balanced and happy overall. (And I think that's true for extroverts who need more quiet study time or academic types who need to force themselves to go to the gym or a whole host of other personality traits that are totally healthy but sometimes need to nudge themselves in another direction for balance.)

 

I like the role playing suggestion above if he's at all into fantasy or gaming.

[Maus]

I don't see social anxiety.  I see that he really just doesn't care.  Now, we have to teach him how to love people but that's a whole different scenario.

Mom instincts are often right on.  But you are wondering if something is wrong, which is a mom instinct, too.

 

Social anxiety doesn't look the same in everyone.  It is possible to be an extrovert and have social anxiety, and that looks quite different than stereotypical social anxiety, which is closer to what it looks like in an introvert.  

 

I have social anxiety, but I'm not an introvert (though I thought I was before my diagnosis).  I'm more of an ambivert.  I can socialize.  I love to talk to people, as long as it's small talk.  I don't share my feelings with anyone in real life, not even my mother.  I can't.  My anxiety goes through the roof.  I hate making eye contact, because somebody might see the real me.  (A diagnosis has helped, because now I am aware that the message in my head that tells me people don't really like me is probably not real.)

[happi duck]

Introverted people need to be alone to recharge. Playing with other kids may be very draining to him. Perhaps that's why he's so "meh" about inviting people over. He may know that afterwards he'll be exhausted or want to be alone. I don't like to be around people for long periods and have trouble finding alone time to recharge. I don't know that a child would "get" that this is a need and be able to express it.

 

I agree.

 

My young adult DD is an introvert and having people over is hard because it is open ended and she doesn't feel like she can just leave and take a break. If we're having a party she will go to her room for a few minutes if she needs to. When it is her guest she can't just disappear, kwim?

 

Perhaps op you can offer a get together with his classmates that is short and outside the house.

[kroe1]

After seeing my own child learn how to cope with shyness with simple acting classes, I assume everyone should try it. Do you have a local community theater that offers classes?

 

Are you willing to let him interact online? Many on this board do not have many IRL friends, but are stars on the Well Trained Mind. There are similar chat sites for other interests, real time online gaming sites, etc. where teens can meet.