Does anyone ever get hostile reponses when someone new finds out you homeschool?

[Parrothead]

So much more than the social questions, I get a lot of hostility when people find out we home school. The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

How do you respond to something like that?

 

Another time the mom I was talking to the conversation stared with the usual questions about the kids schooling. When it was my turn to answer I said we homeschool. The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

 

Okaaaay.

 

Give me some help so I don't have to stand there with my mouth hanging open.

[Kris]

Wow -- um -- I dunno! :lol: I usually get a lot of questions about how we do it and why we decided to -- and the occasional joking "Wanna do my kid(s), too?" -- but not what you're talking about! Good grief!

[lovemyboys]

So much more than the social questions, I get a lot of hostility when people find out we home school. The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

How do you respond to something like that?

 

Another time the mom I was talking to the conversation stared with the usual questions about the kids schooling. When it was my turn to answer I said we homeschool. The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

 

Okaaaay.

 

Give me some help so I don't have to stand there with my mouth hanging open.

 

The one time a negative response really surprised me was when our old minister heard we were homeschooling. She knew me pretty well (years earlier) so it kind of shocked me when she said, "Why? Why would you want to do that?" in a very negative tone. (like "Ick, why would you do that?")

 

I was really taken aback, I'm not sure what I responded. Probably "it works for us."

 

Sorry, no brilliant ideas here.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Yikes!!!!:eek:

 

I've never had that kind of a response, but, I have had the blank looks followed by an abrupt change of subject!

 

I guess I would say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. It's a decision we've made for our family, but, in no way do we feel that it's the only right decision for every family." And then move on.

 

I think sometimes people like that have come across one too many homeschoolers who are so enthusiastic about what they do that they come across very pushy in their views. That's happened to me, and I'm a homeschooler who doesn't need convincing! It puts people off. I think it's refreshing for some people to see that we aren't all like that and can have a regular conversation with a non-homeschooler.

[Trivium Academy]

The first one? Was she talking about herself? I would run away from that person, fast. Seriously.

The second one? I would have asked why she answered the way she did, that it sounds like she's had a bad experience of someone pressuring her to homeschool.

 

But I never know when to shut my mouth either at times.

[Remudamom]

Dang, I'd ask that first mom if she need me to call social services for her. And maybe tell the second one, "Thank God you don't want to homeschool, you'd give the rest of us a bad name for sure."

[Chris in CA]

It always amazes me how people will say right in front of their children, that they could never homeschool - and go on to state - they would go crazy having to spend so much time with their dc, etc. Although drowning oneself in the bathtub is a bit explicit! I normally don't respond, but I usually take it as an injunction against them and not homeschooling, whether they mean it that way or not. :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

The first one? Was she talking about herself? I would run away from that person, fast. Seriously.

 

This person I met last week at the meet & greet party. She didn't stay long because she had to go to a preschool meeting. In the 5 minutes I talked to her I got a lot of negativity vibes.

 

I've invited her and the kids to dd's birthday party for a last and final chance. Not that any one know about that but me and now you guys. If it is the same way again I'm going to write her off.

 

I won't be able to completely avoid contact because of all the functions we do together, but I will be able to leave things at, "Hi, how you doing?" and no more.

[PeterPan]

You know, people have such different experiences and run-ins with homeschoolers. The latter sounds like someone who got prosyletized or made uncomfortable by someone who kept talking about homeschooling. You just have to respect that they've had a negative experience and respond appropriately. "Oh good, I get tired of thinking about it too! What would you like to talk about?" And the former, well people like that are, to my small experience, saying they don't feel comfortable about the discipline or relationships with the kids in their homes and really don't think they could homeschool. Kinda hard to knock that, kwim? If they have troubles, they have troubles. I would just laugh and say I was really glad that hadn't happened to me yet, lol! and move on.

 

But yes, I've gotten actual hostility, razzing, etc. on the homeschool thing. Some people want to give you a fair chance but just aren't sure what it is, how it works, how anyone knows if you're doing a good job, what the law is, etc. For those people I usually end up explaining things in the best way the placate them and help them understand something totally unfamiliar. And some people are so into a school mindset that they feel free to be opinionated and tell you how much better that option is, whether it's socially or academically (because of course you could NEVER do as well as the schools, haha), etc. So with those people you just listen and shut up or blow it off. They just say what they want and you just smile. I have a friend who grills me about how much better school is just about every time, no joke! I love her, so we still talk. But she honestly thinks her dc's experience is so great and non-reproducible that I must be failing my dc. Oh well, lol.

[Tess in the Burbs]

well I have heard the first one in one way or another. they would basically kill their kids if they tried. I never point out they haven't tried since the kids are still here. never say never. but I just think this in my head ;)

 

the second one sounds like someone has pushed her to try or try to convince her that her choices are wrong and should change and you are just getting her 'pass the bean dip' response. I suppose if someone said that I would say ok, good, I didn't want you to convince me to change. ;) I bet she would relax some then.

 

anyway, I hope your future responses are less..hmm...violent!

[Mekanamom]

So much more than the social questions, I get a lot of hostility when people find out we home school. The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

How do you respond to something like that?

 

Homeschooling certainly isn't the best option for everyone. There are lots of educational opportunities and each family needs to do what is best for their own situation.

 

Another time the mom I was talking to the conversation stared with the usual questions about the kids schooling. When it was my turn to answer I said we homeschool. The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

 

Okaaaay.

 

Give me some help so I don't have to stand there with my mouth hanging open.

 

In that case, I'd laugh and say "Well, you asked!"

 

In general, though, sometimes other parents just need reassurance that you don't think they are choosing some kind of substandard education for their kids. Some people just get really defensive about their own choices if someone else has chosen a different way of doing things.

[Apiphobic]

The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

 

Is it possible she was referring to Andrea Yates because she homeschooled her dc?

[Joanne]

So much more than the social questions, I get a lot of hostility when people find out we home school. The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

 

That person was referring to the Yates murders. That always bothers me when it's associated with homeschooling because:

 

1) Most of her kids were not school aged.

2) It was an under responding family, not "Homeschooling". It was a medical situation that was poorly managed and under treated.

 

I'd probably consider saying "That was very hostile and disrespectful. Imagine how you'd feel if I asserted your kids would be blown away like at Columbine?"

 

Another time the mom I was talking to the conversation stared with the usual questions about the kids schooling. When it was my turn to answer I said we homeschool. The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

 

"Ok, that's probably best if your reaction is so immediately negative."

 

I've never had an overty hostile reaction. Those that have been negative have been more passive/aggressive:

 

"Oh, I could never do that"

"What about socialization?"

"Do you have a teacher's certificate?"

 

Fortunately, in my little part of the Houston Metro area, nearly everyone knows someone who resembles normal and who homeschools.

[tibbyl]

Hostile responses were more commonplace back in the 90s. But interestingly my most recent hostile response was from a client just a couple weeks ago. The comments, mean or kind, roll off my back like water with nary a point's increase in blood pressure.

 

Depending upon status of my relationship with the inquirer, my responses range from curt to civil to merely a nod of head or change in topic. I tend not to get into indepth h/s conversations unless I am certain the inquirer is genuinely interested in learning more about it. Even then I tend to limit those type conversations to people who are interested in pursuing homeschooling their own children. Even then, I do not hard-sale h/s'ing.

 

What I have found more interesting than hostility is when someone offers up a myraid of reasons why *they* can't homeschool upon learning that we homeschooled. As if I had the nerve to question the education decisions others have made for their children. As if they needed someone else's approval for their choices.

[Kathy in MD]

...The second one? I would have asked why she answered the way she did, that it sounds like she's had a bad experience of someone pressuring her to homeschool. ....

 

 

I agree. It sounds like she's had some bad 1st hand experiences from homeschool zealots.

[Stacy in NJ]

I don't necessary think either of these comments are really about homeschooling. These ladies just don't have the best manners, that's all. How do you handle someone who passes a slightly rude comment on other issues? I usually make some modest attempt to frame the conversation in a more friendly or funny way, then just move on. Hopefully, they'll realize that their comment was a bit off and try for a correction.

 

If someone passed the comment to me about the kids in the bathtub I'd probably just get big eyes, raise my eyebrows and say, "Well, alrightly then. That just may be too much information."

[Parrothead]

If someone passed the comment to me about the kids in the bathtub I'd probably just get big eyes, raise my eyebrows and say, "Well, alrightly then. That just may be too much information."

I like that one.

 

I didn't know there was a person who's kids actually ended up in the tub.

[Plucky]

I don't get many. I'm not open to talking about homeschooling with most people that don't homeschool. I do get annoyed that hair stylists feel the need to give me their opinions on homeschooling when they know nothing. I also wish chatter wasn't considered necessary when cutting my children's hair. Other than that I really limit my interactions with those that don't know anything about homeschooling.

[PariSarah]

. . . all those other topics that make people say and do stupid things.

 

I don't take it personally or seriously when some random person at a party makes negative comments about homeschooling. Shrug, change subject, feign interest in their lives for a few minutes, excuse myself to use the ladies room and find another conversation partner.

 

People whom I might have to see again, I do the same, minus the trip to the ladies room and perhaps with a comment that gives them the opportunity to ask more intelligent questions if they want. "Oh, it made sense this year. Don't know where we'll be a few years from now!" "Well, we didn't have many options for bilingual education around here, so we're just doing it ourselves." (I love using that one on people who assume we're doing it to keep ds from meeting people who aren't like us.) Followed by an "I'm interested in YOU now" question at the first opportunity.

 

I've never met anyone who doesn't take the "I'm interested in YOU" bait, at least long enough to find another topic of conversation.

 

And I actually haven't gotten any really rude comments. Thoughtless or uninformed, perhaps, but not hostile. So I don't know what I'd do with that, except the usual "did you actually just say that?" stare, followed by my standard-issue "I beg your pardon?"

[Kathy in MD]

I've had maybe one or two slightly hostile responses to home schooling. I say slightly because the individual asked worded questions about valid concerns. These were questions even homeschoolers ask themselves -- "how can I teach high school?", "I don't know enough to teach math and science!". The askers listened politely to my answers and we were easily able to carry on a short conversation with my addressing their concerns. By not becoming defensive, I was able to give a small amount of info that may have softened their attitude toward homeschooling.

 

Generally the response I get is "That's great!". Sometimes the conversation goes beyond that, if the questioner is considering it or knows someone else. Once when my ds was still in a private school, a grandmotherly type sitting next to us in a Gettysburg NP program asked if I homeschooled because it was a normal school day.

 

Probably the most "negative" questions I've ever recieved were from my mother, and those questions were always valid and usually geared toward knowing ME personally. Basically they centered around whether I would be consistant and do sufficient follow-up. My mother knew me well! And her occasional comments were good reminders and I could use one about now. OH, MOM, I need you! Her problems with my sister homeschooling were also based on her intimate knowledge of my sister's personality.

[lwilliams1922]

I think a lot of it has to do with people being unaware. I say that because I was. A few years ago I was proud to be writing the monthly check for private school tuition. In the back of my mind i may have thought home schoolers were just people that wanted to unschool.

 

I would NEVER think to say something negative though ESPECIALLY since I didn't know any real info about homeschooling. Fortunatly I met some people over the last couple of years and learned that not only could I provide a good eduation for my child, I could talior it to her needs.

a

I think a lot of it has to do with people being unaware. I say that because I was. A few years ago I was proud to be writing the monthly check for private school tuition. In the back of my mind i may have thought home schoolers were just people that wanted to unschool.

 

I would NEVER think to say something negative though ESPECIALLY since I didn't know any real info about homeschooling. Fortunately I met some people over the last couple of years and learned that not only could I provide a good education for my child, I could Tailor it to her needs.

 

Private schools advertise the benefit of having a lower student to teacher ratio. We had around 12 to 1 which was pretty good.

 

Now dd has 1 to 1 and can learn the best way for her!

 

The only negative remark I remember is from a lady that said i was doing a disservice to DD and preventing her from the socialization she needs.

 

This lady never had a conversation with my well mannered intelligent DD.

Private schools advetise the benefit of having a lower student to teacher ratio. We had around 12 to 1 which was pretty good.

 

Now dd has 1 to 1 and can learn the best way for her!

 

The only negative remark I remember is from a lady that said i was doing a diservice to DD and preventing her from the socializtion she needs.

 

This lady never had a converstaion with my well mannered intelligent DD.

[mellifera]

The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

 

 

 

Nobody asked you to.:glare:

 

I've had people ask me what we have against public schools. Which I have answered truthfully that we have nothing against public schools, but homeschooling works best for our family at this time.

[Peela]

Do you need to socialise with people like that? I mean, I dont think I would bother, unless it was important for some reason. There are enough people out there that are sympathetic to homeschooling, or at least polite for goodness sakes, hopefully you can just limit your contact with people so closed-minded?

[at the beach]

Yes, we have had hostile reactions. Also, reactions of just plain disgust, like ick, why on earth would you do THAT? Even from family. When the California case initially came out, one aunt gleefully announced to me that homeschooling was being outlawed now and my kids would HAVE to go back. I have other relatives who I think feel like my kids need to somehow tow the line and be miserable like a lot of kids in school. :001_huh: I think they think I am somehow spoiling them. IOW, they need to learn to take their medicine, too, just like everyone else. My kids are well behaved, interesting to talk with, and just plain good kids. So, it's not that they think my kids are out of control and need reigning in or anything. I can't really put my finger on why it is so distressing to people other than that they feel threatened by it. Today, my cousin told me how her seventh grader has to witness kids in her grade making out at the lockers. I told her, well, that's one reason my kids don't go to school. That stopped that conversation really quickly. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anita

[Jennifer in NH]

I don't get many. I'm not open to talking about homeschooling with most people that don't homeschool. I do get annoyed that hair stylists feel the need to give me their opinions on homeschooling when they know nothing. I also wish chatter wasn't considered necessary when cutting my children's hair. Other than that I really limit my interactions with those that don't know anything about homeschooling.

:iagree: That drives me crazy!

The only negative response I have ever received was from my uncle. He is a minister and I really did not expect the hostility, but he went on a 10 minute tirade about how pepole like me will bankrupt the public school system.:glare: Now, how are my tax dollars going to be used any differently than if my dc went to a private school..are those also bankrupting the government schools?;)

[Guest Daniel Ritchie]

People generally don't like homeschoolers because it is something which goes against the grain. :auto:

[SquirrellyMama]

The first lady's comment sounds like some of the comments I get but the ones I get are much less hostile. Usually they make the comment that they don't have the personality or patience. I usually respond that I don't either. They usually give me a strange look. I tell them that I am learning patience and God is good to help with it.

 

Kelly

[Mama Lynx]

"Don't worry, hon. I'm only out to convert on Tuesdays."

 

 

(assuming it wasn't a Tuesday. You know.)

[SquirrellyMama]

Don't worry, hon. I'm only out to convert on Tuesdays."

 

 

(assuming it wasn't a Tuesday. You know.)

 

 

I like this! :smilielol5:

 

On a side note. I love this smiley. I sit and watch it whenever someone puts it in their post.

[Chris in CA]

Oh my gosh - I must have misread that, she said she would drown her dc??? That is scary, especially in light of what has happened in the past. Yikes!

[Guest janainaz]

I think there are a lot of homeschoolers that are very harsh and judgemental. I also think people have a stereotype in mind - denim jumpers and braids.

 

I make no point to explain anymore - other than telling someone I feel called to do it. Like a person who feels called to be doctor - it is something like that. I think our need to overexplain or "sell it" to someone else makes us look insecure. What is wrong with shrugging your shoulders and saying "oh". I don't owe an explanation to anyone about why I do what I do with my kids. All you have to do is talk to them and it's clear they are super-normal, well-adjusted, confident kids. We care too much about what others think and say. If I encounter someone who genuinely is asking because maybe they are considering it or just are asking with the right heart - I might share more. But, for everyone else - they get nothing. They can go read about it.

[Parrothead]

Do you need to socialise with people like that? I mean, I dont think I would bother, unless it was important for some reason. There are enough people out there that are sympathetic to homeschooling, or at least polite for goodness sakes, hopefully you can just limit your contact with people so closed-minded?

 

The one that didn't want to discuss it is gone from the area now. At functions there was another lady who was very interested in homeschooling so she was always picking my brain. If Discuss It walked up to us while we were talking about school she would just keep on walking.

 

The other lady is very new. I don't know yet how actively involved in the station's social functions she will be. All I can really do is avoid bring up schooling topics and wait for the day she decides to homeschool. Then I'll periodically ask if her kids are safe or in the tub.

[Parrothead]

"Don't worry, hon. I'm only out to convert on Tuesdays."

 

 

(assuming it wasn't a Tuesday. You know.)

 

:lol::lol::lol: It was a Tuesday!

[abbeyej]

I get very few negative comments. But I find the best response to the sort you mention is... "Oh, I know it's not for everybody!" :) You can say it with a smile. It acknowledges that you (and many others) are happy home schooling, but that other choices can be right for other families.

 

Another possibility is, "Oh, I'm so glad we all have options to find the right schooling situation for our families"...

 

And then you move on to another subject.

 

I've found that in some cases, a response that initially *sounds* negative (or even hostile) like, "I don't know how you can [i/]do[/i] that!" are actually the beginnings of questions about home schooling... These tend to come from people who have just begun to consider the possibility, but they really *don't* think they can do it... They want to know if maybe they *could* -- or would they go nuts? Are you nuts? lol... I've had enough of these conversations that started out sounding very negative and turned out to be someone *desperate* for information... It's actually really interesting!

 

On the other hand, one of your other comments (person speaking to you), made me wonder if she happened to have had a really pushy home school experience or two that made her leery of even *talking* to other home schoolers. You know how "new converts" (to anything!) can be -- they head out trying to convert *everybody*! And sometimes can really torment their friends or even just strangers on the street. ... That person may simply have been trying to tell you, "Don't try to convert me" or "Don't see everything I say as a reason to tell me I should pull my kids out of school and home school them"...

[LizzyBee]

Only once. A cousin didn't even have words to respond, he just made a noise. A little later, he was talking about how he can't wait until his kids grow up and leave home. Alrighty then.

[JenParrish]

And maybe tell the second one, "Thank God you don't want to homeschool, you'd give the rest of us a bad name for sure."

 

"Great. I did not want to discuss it with you either." :lol:

[WTMindy]

Honestly, I don't think I have ever had a negative response. I've had people say they could never do it, but more often than not people say, "That is so great!" But, I don't think I would let it affect me if they did have a negative reaction. They don't have to like it for me to feel good about it.

[Happy]

Most people say they couldn't deal with their children all day long. I tell them honestly that I used to say the same thing. We figured it out in about six weeks.

 

That surprises them.

 

The one time I had a gal really react negatively I decided to leave her alone about educational topics. Imagine my surprise when she and her husband approached us less than six months later about homeschooling. She is in her second year and loving it! But, she had to resist hard first.

[Rebecca in GA]

I had a man corner me at a gathering to grandstand in front of his friends. I'm afraid I did something undignified, but I never regretted it.

 

I sang the Who at him.

 

"I'm a BOY, I'm a BOY, but my MA won't admit it

I'm a BOY, I'm a BOY, but if I SAY I am, I GET it!"

 

Hilarious. And even he laughed!

 

(I'm a serious weirdo sometimes. When I was a sportswriter, I learned to take abuse by singing "Iron Man" in my head. Made it easier to nod and smile.)

[Nakia]

I am sitting her with my mouth hanging open about that first lady. I cannot imagine...

 

Anyway, I mostly get really positive comments when I tell people I homeschool. Sometimes people will say "Oh I could never homeschool" or something like that. There is one lady at work who found out I homeschool and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. She said, "I cannot believe you do that to your kids. How do you stand them around you all the time? Don't you ever just want them away from you?" I said, "Well yeah, I need my alone time like everyone else. That's where dad comes in!" Then she said, "I would never homeschool." And then I said, "Well isn't it great that we have that choice?" That was about 7 months ago, and to this day, she will not speak to me AT ALL. :glare:

 

I mean good grief. How can I even "do that to my kids?" :confused::confused:

[Audrey]

So much more than the social questions, I get a lot of hostility when people find out we home school. The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

How do you respond to something like that?

 

Another time the mom I was talking to the conversation stared with the usual questions about the kids schooling. When it was my turn to answer I said we homeschool. The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

 

Okaaaay.

 

Give me some help so I don't have to stand there with my mouth hanging open.

 

 

To that first one... whoa. Perhaps recommend her a good psychiatrist.

 

To the second one... I have a stock kind of answer that goes something like. "Well, it works for us, but whatever floats your boat, eh?" and then a polite little laugh and change of subject to lighten the mood.

[Parrothead]

I am sitting her with my mouth hanging open about that first lady. I cannot imagine...

 

Anyway, I mostly get really positive comments when I tell people I homeschool. Sometimes people will say "Oh I could never homeschool" or something like that. There is one lady at work who found out I homeschool and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. She said, "I cannot believe you do that to your kids. How do you stand them around you all the time? Don't you ever just want them away from you?" I said, "Well yeah, I need my alone time like everyone else. That's where dad comes in!" Then she said, "I would never homeschool." And then I said, "Well isn't it great that we have that choice?" That was about 7 months ago, and to this day, she will not speak to me AT ALL. :glare:

 

I mean good grief. How can I even "do that to my kids?" :confused::confused:

 

I've always wondered about people who don't like their kids - or at least seem not to like them. YKWIM?

[kalanamak]

So much more than the social questions, I get a lot of hostility when people find out we home school. The last one was something to the effect that if this mom tried to homeschool her kids would end up dead in the bathtub. And it wasn't said in a joking manner.

 

How do you respond to something like that?

 

Another time the mom I was talking to the conversation stared with the usual questions about the kids schooling. When it was my turn to answer I said we homeschool. The mom said, "I don't want to homeschool. I'm not going to discuss it."

.

 

For the first one, I'd change the subject. I noticed in the troubled vanpool I used to ride in that it was considered normal and polite to run your kids down. Not one brag, not one sweet story, just "he's failing math/ I can't get him to stop calling me a c*nt/ his loud music keeps me up/ he's going to have to do summer school in English if he's going to move up to the 8th grade" type comments (those are all direct quotes).

 

For the second, I'd say, very chipper "Great, I don't want to either" and laugh.

[sweetbaby]

I don't get many "smart" responses although there is an occasional "If I did that, I would lose my mind." comment. I'm like a mother bear when it comes to my children so I know usually handle things with tact but firm responses.

[Annabel Lee]

Parrothead, it sounds like your dh works in some kind of law enforcement? Mine too. Is there any way to convey to him the eeriness you felt about it and your concern that her comment should be taken very seriously? I read the newer post about the dad already being charged. If the kids are going to stay w/ mom, is there any way your dh could influence any type of regular social worker check-ins, or mandatory phychologist visits for all of them (mom and kids)? It sounds like a very scary situation. I'm hoping, for the kids' sake, that it was her weird and twisted way of letting someone outside her home in on what kind of abuse was going on.

 

As for hostile comments about homeschooling... I've only ever gotten one that stuck out from your run of the mill "Wow, I could never do that! How do you do it?". My neighbor kids told me that when they told their dad/stepdad that we were "still doing homeschool and can't play yet", he said to them "What the h*!! is homeschool?". But those kids and their parents/step-parents are another legal/psych case. Literally. To the point that I've had to seriously consider whether to call children's services or not. It seems to me the really hostile stuff does come from people who do not like their own children and cannot imagine it any other way for anyone else. JMO though.