Draining in-law. A vent.

[Garga]

When I talk on the phone I can't really remember exact conversations. So when I talk with MIL on the phone, I can't quite tell you afterwards while I'm so DRAINED. But she's started replying to my messages on FB and now I can pinpoint the problem because it's in writing.

 

2 days ago: I invited her to a little play/presentation my son will be doing in May.

 

She writes back, "Well, I think I can go. I have an eye doctor appointment earlier in the day, but I should be able to see by evening."

 

Huh? She won't be able to see?? I ask, "What kind of appointment is it? Is it serious?"

 

She writes back, "Oh just a regular exam."

 

So why wouldn't she be able to see? Ok, whatever.

 

Yesterday I invite my FIL and her to a birthday lunch at a restaurant that's an hour from us all.

 

"Are you guys available for lunch on Sunday?"

 

She writes back, "I hope you don't mean this Sunday. We're not available this Sunday."

 

I write back, "Yes, this Sunday. Well, how about Saturday then. When are you available on Saturday?"

 

She writes, "Dad can't go on Saturday, but I can."

 

So I say, "Ok, how about 11 then?"

 

I don't hear from her and I'm starting to feel bad that Dad can't go, so I write that maybe we can all suck it up and go on Tuesday night (even though it's a 2 hour round trip to the restaurant and it will really be hard on my DH to do all that driving after he's already driven 2 hours that day and worked all day.)

 

She writes back, "Oh, if it's at 11, Dad can go, too."

 

Sigh. Then why did she say Dad couldn't go? I asked her what time. Dad doesn't have anything to do until 5pm that night. Why didn't she just tell me what time they were available, like I asked?

 

It might seem like a little thing, but EVERY SINGLE INTERACTION is like this. I make a statement or invite her to something and lo and behold, there's a problem. There's ALWAYS a problem.

 

Only...there's not a problem. She'll be able to see perfectly fine by 7pm at night. Dad will be able to be there after all.

 

It drains me soooo much. I almost never call her because of this. I've switched to messaging, and while it's irritating, at least on FB messaging I don't have to try to keep my voice level when she starts coming up with "problems."

 

Just had to vent.

 

P.S. She's not a mean person. Just very draining and somewhat of an Eeyore.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Garga_

[zoobie]

That would drive me bonkers. I'd probably just stop asking until she told me when they WERE available. In person must be even worse. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

She's probably having her eyes dilated at her eye appointment. 

 

Her problems don't seem to be that big to me.  Perhaps it is a matter of perception? 

[bodiesmom]

I get it. I sooooooo get it.

My MIL and SIL are the exact same way.

Sorry OP. It is a pattern of behavior that sucks the life out of you.

[ksr5377]

Oh my word.  I could have written your post.  My MIL is wonderfully loving and a good person, but she drives me absolutely crazy.  I have explained to people that it's just like we're not on the same plane.  Every conversation is a struggle, and I can tell that she feels it too.  While I'm sorry you have to deal with it, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one!

[Garga]

She's probably having her eyes dilated at her eye appointment.

 

Her problems don't seem to be that big to me. Perhaps it is a matter of perception?

No, they're not big. It's just that each time we make plans, there's always a reason for her to say No, can't do it. And then turn around and say, Oh well, really I can.

 

Why can't it go down like this:

 

"Sunday won't work for us."

"How about Saturday? When are you available Saturday?"

"We're free until 4:00."

"Then how about lunch. We'll leave at 11:00?"

"Sounds good, see you then!"

 

Happy and no "problems." No one saying, "Oh, someone can't go" only to turn out that yes they can go.

 

How about this way;

"Oh, I have an eye dr appointment. My eyes will be dilated and I might not be able to drive. Could I ride with you?" (We live 6 minutes from each other.)

"Sure!"

 

Why all the drama, "I might not be able to seeee!" "Dad can't goooo!!"

 

It's small, but it's always like that. Every single time we try to make a plan there's a roadblock. Never a cheery response. There's always an issue.

 

It's just a vent. She's not mean. I just get worn out in every conversation we have. Those were 2 examples out of 23 years of examples. And I'm serious that I have never, ever once had a conversation with her making plans that didn't have a problem. It's just incredible really how there can always be a problem when making a plan. And it never is a problem. It's just a negative thing to say that doesn't even turn out to be a problem. I hate picking up the phone to talk to her. I know that each conversation will last twice as long as it needs to with her pointing out a problem that isn't a problem. And then we have to talk and talk about the problem which isn't even a problem.

 

It's hard to describe I guess.

[Callie]

She's probably having her eyes dilated at her eye appointment. 

 

Her problems don't seem to be that big to me.  Perhaps it is a matter of perception? 

I agree she is probably having her eyes dilated.  I cannot see for several hours after and have to make appointments when dh can drive me home afterward.  He on the other hand has no problem seeing after the dilation so it must affect people differently.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

 

She writes back, "Well, I think I can go. I have an eye doctor appointment earlier in the day, but I should be able to see by evening."

 

Huh? She won't be able to see?? I ask, "What kind of appointment is it? Is it serious?"

 

She writes back, "Oh just a regular exam."

 

So why wouldn't she be able to see? Ok, whatever.   d.i.a.l.a.t.i.o.n.  makes *everything* blurry as well as photosensitive.

 

 

Only...there's not a problem. She'll be able to see perfectly fine by 7pm at night. Dad will be able to be there after all.  I've had dialation exams that I'm still not seeing well by evening.   I'll usually do late afternoon - so I have part of the day to be productive and can sleep off the rest of the drops.

 

 

just tell her you need a yes or a no.

eta: - let her know maybe counts as "no".

 

 

Edited March 10, 2016 by gardenmom5

[zoobie]

Circular talking. My mother does this. If I call you and ask if you want to meet for lunch in 2 hours because we will be out by your house, it's ridiculous that you don't have time to shower and "get ready." (She's only 61 but acts 99.) Everything has a qualifier. Everything comes with a sigh. And a litany of her issues. And a recounting of some other person's issues wholly unrelated to the topic at hand. Or seriously, feeding your cats 30 minutes later than usual is NOT a real problem. It feels like she's just complaining about the effort she has to put out to get together with us, or that she's doing us such a huge favor by overcoming all of these difficulties. So I stopped asking. I told her to let her know if she ever wants to meet. *crickets* 

 

Um, that may be my own vent... ;)

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

just tell her you need a yes or a no.

eta: - let her know maybe counts as "no".

 

 

You can't do that with people like this.

Because IME if you say, "I need a yes or a no" they will say, "Well, why do you need an answer?  I don't see why you need an answer."  And so it goes...

 

[fairfarmhand]

Oh I get it.

 

Some of it I think is manufactured drama. Some of it is just not having a life so that one thing (an eye appointment) is the thing that *could* take over the whole day. Some of it is inflexibility. "Oh, I already have ONE THING happening that day. That's the only thing that will happen. Oh, wait, you want me to do something else that day. Wait, I'll have to reset my whole mentality about that whole day."

 

Yup. It is exhausting.

[PineFarmMom]

I think it is more with the fact that the interactions like that happen repetitively more than that that type of interaction is a big deal. That is just wearying.

 

I have a person in my life that I can't just have a quick conversation with. I want to ask a question, tell about an upcoming event, offer help, and I go in knowing the conversation could last 30 minutes. Then the conversation can't be had without ongoing, continued interruptions where I cannot even finish a sentence. I hang up exhausted and frazzled. None of it is huge...just wearying!!

[MysteryJen]

That is my mom. I feel like a need a drink after every conversation. She is not nasty or mean, just, idk, exhausting. We did, in fact, stop asking her to come and see anything, because it always seemed like such a giant hassle, requiring multiple phone calls, or random fretting about the drive (less than 30 minutes), even though she regularly makes drives of that same length...using the same highways.

 

I feel tired just thinking about those conversations.

[Pink and Green Mom]

This sounds like my MIL and to a lesser extent both of DH's sisters.  It is almost as if some sort of "mini drama" has to ensue over every little thing in the world.  It is like she cannot even get up out of bed in the AM and go make coffee without there being some sort of drama about the coffee maker, the spoon, the mug, etc.  It is exhausting. 

 

I used to be very hurt and upset that these healthy and financially able people never make the trip from up north to see their grandchildren here in FL.  Now I thank my lucky stars they don't come. 

[ksr5377]

My issue is almost the opposite though.  MIL will agree to things instantly.  Then she'll bring up every issue (real or imagined) for why it won't work, wanting to hash it all out with me.  For example, she was going to watch our one daughter for 2 hours one afternoon.  She had agreed weeks before.  Then the morning of she called me concerned because the weather wasn't nice.  What would my daughter do if she couldn't go outside and play?  What if she became hungry?  And on and on.  It took 30 minutes of reassuring her before it was OK again.  If she were older I think it would be a bit less frustrating, but she's all of 55, works full time and is pretty active.  She was watching my 8 year old, so not physically demanding like a baby/toddler.  When we have these interactions I don't understand how she functions in all other aspects of her life.  

[Tenaj]

My mother-in-law is similar.  Nothing can ever be simple.  If I invite her over for supper, it can never be arranged in one conversation.  It's always involves her calling me multiple times about silly details.  I joke that she never can send just one email or text she has to send multiple ones on the same issue.  Yesterday it was that she was buying candy for my kid's Easter baskets (which I'm very thankful for!).  But I got at least four texts while she was at the store asking what color to get, that she doesn't like yellow, maybe purple is better, that store doesn't have the colors she wanted.  I was ready to scream!

 

It is draining.  I've always assumed it partly her personality - I think she's a perfectionist and therefore every decision has to be *perfect* or it can't be made so she contacts me for "permission" to not be perfect , if that makes sense.  Also, she's had thyroid trouble for the past few years and the medication often gets out of whack for her and in those times, it's really impossible for her to make even the simple decisions of life because her thought processes are just not clear.

 

 It's almost like she can't think sequentially about anything so for her, an appointment in the morning takes everything she's got to remember that it's happening first of all, then to make the calculations to get herself there on time would be another challenge, so for me to add one more thing to later in the day is useless because she's so preoccupied trying to remember the first two things she just can't even think about something else.    Yes, we've had very similar situations to the OP - LOL!

 

 

 

 

[Garga]

You guys get it!  Feeding the cat 30 minutes later is a PROBLEM.  Driving on a road that she's driven on 100 times before is now a PROBLEM. 

 

We've never, ever, ever, in my memory arranged a get-together where she didn't call back after all the arrangements were (tediously) made, to try to change the arrangements.

 

My FIL just shakes his head and says, "Women are like that.." and it drives me nuts because I'm not like that!  It's just his sweetheart who's like that and not the rest of us.

 

And I'll grant everyone that the dilated eyes is probably an actual problem.  :)  I'm just so glad she's messaging me back.  So much nicer than the drawn out phone conversations.

 

It does seem to be a pretty common personality if so many of you are also dealing with it.  I really wonder what's going on in her head and what motivates this type of behavior?  I have noticed she doesn't have many close friends and feel bad for her, but at the same time I'm so drained after talking with her. I want to hang out with her in theory because she is generous and loving, but in actuality I get so worn out because of all the problems and plan-changing and fretting.

 

 

Edited March 10, 2016 by Garga

[justasque]

It sounds very much like executive functioning problems to me. "Can you do this on this day" means she has to remember (or look up) what else she has planned, think about prep time and travel time for those things, anticipate any other complications (changing outfits, feeding the cat at a different time, etc.), in order to give you an accurate answer. She may find it difficult to gauge how much time each of those things will take, and difficult to sequence them properly to make it all fit together. And by asking her for an answer on the phone, right then, you're putting her on the spot - she has to do this processing on the fly. She is thinking it through while talking to you - thinking out loud. For some people, this stuff comes easy - so easy they don't even realize they are doing it. But for others, it just doesn't. The cat feeding, for example, isn't a "problem", but it is something that needs to be thought through before giving you a solid answer.

 

As she gets older, it's not going to get any easier. Perhaps asking her these things by text or FB message will help her have a bit of time to work out the details before responding to you. Or perhaps you can help her through the process - "Yes, you would have to feed the cat earlier. What if you fed him at 10:30 and I picked you up at 10:45?" Expect there to be a conversation (rather than hoping to get the call over with quickly), and prompt her to work through the various "problems" so that she has a plan. Then you could follow up with a quick email laying out what you've discussed so she has it for reference and doesn't have to work it out again later.

 

Yes, it feels draining to have to deal with this. But look at the flip side - you have been blessed with a mind that doesn't work this way!

[J-rap]

That IS very draining.  Someone close to me is exactly like that.  It is difficult to understand why everything seems to become so, well, difficult for this person.  They would respond in the same way as your MIL.  I ask a simple, clear question and the answer always leaves me very confused.  It's at the point where sometimes I don't want to even bother, but of course I do, because I love this person very much!  I'm beginning to wonder if this person in my life has some kind of condition like ADD or something.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but we can never communicate a message even when it seems like it should be easy and obvious.  It always becomes confusing and complicated and draining.

[Garga]

I will admit- I tend to hedge when someone simply asks me if I'm available. "For what?" Is what I want to say, but then that feels rude. So I hedge until I find out what they really want. I have been set up too many times by someone calling and saying- hey are you busy Saturday? And no, I might not be but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to do anything with the person calling. If I say no I'm not I don't know what I'm signing up for. And yeah, I am learning "No, thanks" is a completely sentence but it's taken me almost 40 years to figure that out. So maybe she's hedging. You seem pretty direct in your questioning though, which is how i prefer people to ask- Would you like to go to lunch Saturday? is much preferred to Are you busy Saturday? Or maybe she is just a commitaphobe. There again, check and check for my husband and myself on social engagements. We are notorious for answering "let's play it by ear," and because we're that way we really only socialize with people who are the same because we drive type A personalities insane for understandable reasons. So maybe she's some variation of those but doesn't want to be rude. Which makes her just keep talking it in circles because what she's doing is talking herself INTO it. Some peoples natural inclination is just NO.

 

Just curious- would you consider her an introvert or an extrovert?

 

I don't think it's that.  She does most of her hedging and re-planning for the things she initiates.  See, I'm an introvert.  I almost never initiate plans.  She is always the one inviting us to things.  So, while a good theory, I don't think it's that. 

 

 

It sounds very much like executive functioning problems to me. "Can you do this on this day" means she has to remember (or look up) what else she has planned, think about prep time and travel time for those things, anticipate any other complications (changing outfits, feeding the cat at a different time, etc.), in order to give you an accurate answer. She may find it difficult to gauge how much time each of those things will take, and difficult to sequence them properly to make it all fit together. And by asking her for an answer on the phone, right then, you're putting her on the spot - she has to do this processing on the fly. She is thinking it through while talking to you - thinking out loud. For some people, this stuff comes easy - so easy they don't even realize they are doing it. But for others, it just doesn't. The cat feeding, for example, isn't a "problem", but it is something that needs to be thought through before giving you a solid answer.

 

As she gets older, it's not going to get any easier. Perhaps asking her these things by text or FB message will help her have a bit of time to work out the details before responding to you. Or perhaps you can help her through the process - "Yes, you would have to feed the cat earlier. What if you fed him at 10:30 and I picked you up at 10:45?" Expect there to be a conversation (rather than hoping to get the call over with quickly), and prompt her to work through the various "problems" so that she has a plan. Then you could follow up with a quick email laying out what you've discussed so she has it for reference and doesn't have to work it out again later.

 

Yes, it feels draining to have to deal with this. But look at the flip side - you have been blessed with a mind that doesn't work this way!

 

Maybe it is these things.  For Christmas Eve, we all get together and order food from Pizza Hut and bring it home to eat together.  She said, "Tell me what you guys want and I'll order it."  So I wrote a simple list of what we wanted, in categories (pizza together, wings together).  All she had to do was pick up the phone and read the list verbatim to the person answering.  Oh, the fretting over that!  She just seemed really taken aback at our choices of food and asked us about 4 different times to confirm if that's what we *really* wanted.  Yes, we do want the wings.  No, we've never eaten them before.  Yes, we still do want to try them.  If we don't try them, we'll never know if we like them.  Yes, we do want them.  Really, yes we do.

 

I think it might be getting worse or I'm just getting less patient in dealing with it.  I know I need to put on my patient hat when dealing with her because she's in her mid-70s now and it won't get better and I don't want to be mean to her about it.  When I first met her, she was only 49 and this way, so it's not entirely a symptom of getting old, but it seems that the fretting is on a slightly more elevated level than in the past. 

 

I think the idea of perfectionism that someone mentioned might be part of it.  She wants Christmas to be PERFECT, so if we end up getting wings that we don't want, we'll all be just so upset and she'll feel bad for us.  But we were smart and ordered plenty of pizza, so that even if we didn't like the wings, it was ok.  But she couldn't seem to accept that.  Those wings really threw her for a loop!  I was so exhausted dealing with it.  That conversation did more to mess up my happy Christmas Eve than eating a yucky wing would have ever done. 

 

Clarifying:  I wasn't ordering for everyone.  I was just ordering for my dh, kids and myself.  Everyone else in the family ordered what they wanted, so it's not like ANYONE except my dh, kids, and I were expected to eat the wings.  All the rest of the family had the food they wanted.

 

 

Edited March 10, 2016 by Garga

[Garga]

That IS very draining.  Someone close to me is exactly like that.  It is difficult to understand why everything seems to become so, well, difficult for this person.  They would respond in the same way as your MIL.  I ask a simple, clear question and the answer always leaves me very confused.  It's at the point where sometimes I don't want to even bother, but of course I do, because I love this person very much!  I'm beginning to wonder if this person in my life has some kind of condition like ADD or something.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but we can never communicate a message even when it seems like it should be easy and obvious.  It always becomes confusing and complicated and draining.

 

 

Yes, that's it.  I was practically in tears on Christmas Eve.  I wrote the list and I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't just call Pizza Hut and rattle off the list at the person answering.  And the thing is that I could hear the tears sounding in her voice, too.  She was so frustrated that she couldn't figure out why we were ordering wings and I was so frustrated wondering why it was an issue. 

 

I've started mostly sitting in silence when we get together because anything I say causes so much angst.  It's not just me.  It's everyone.  Almost everything that anyone says is an issue or problem. 

 

Well, I'm venting away here so it sounds like I don't like her, but that's not true. I know that in her heart she's a kind and gentle and giving woman.  And that's why this bugs me so much.  It's such a big block in getting closer to her.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Garga

[shawthorne44]

I get you!  

 

As my DH frequently points out about his mother, You tell her about the silver lining and she ALWAYS points out the cloud.   I am really lucky on the MIL front, but she still gets to me.  

[MysteryJen]

Perfectionism is a part of it, but I also think there are control issues, at least for my mom. If I did the invite (which I do not anymore), then I set the time, the menu, the activity, etc. In my mind, that is how invitations work. Host/guest. The endless phone calls seemed to be a passive-aggressive way to alter the invitation, quickly making me regret ever issuing it. Now, if she calls to invite us (not the random phone calls lamenting that she never sees us), I say yes or no and will not haggle over days, times, restaurants, etc.

 

I think it is personality, not age, as my Dmil never has behaved that way.

[zoobie]

She sounds highly anxious. My dad is as well. He's much happier when someone else is "in charge" and worries that his decisions will cause hurt and upset even when they're inconsequential (like the stupid wings!). 

[AK_Mom4]

Anxiety.  I have a family member that is similiar and will worry about every detail of a simple event.  Going out to eat at a restaurant becomes a major production with so much consultation and debate and concern and DRAMA.

 

And then it escalates when this person gets in a room with another family member with a similar personality.  

 

You have my sympathy, OP!   I am fortunate in that I don't see these folks regularly.  Once a year or so is plenty.

[fraidycat]

Thank you for verbalizing why I find a person I know to be such an energy vampire. It's the *manufactured stress* and constant discussion about said "stress" (that is actually just every day life). It wipes me out!

[gardenmom5]

You can't do that with people like this.

Because IME if you say, "I need a yes or a no" they will say, "Well, why do you need an answer?  I don't see why you need an answer."  And so it goes...

 

 

I have, with two specific people in my family.  It's all in how you word it.  I'm not as blunt as that.

eg.  - I'd like to take you to lunch at ___, will that work?  well blah blah blah . . . "is another time better?" blah blah blah . . . .   "oh well, I"m sorry it won't work for you, I'd love to do it another time."   you might get a WAIT . . . oh, so it does work?

you will get a yes, or (if it's more blah blah) the answer is no.  then say good-bye and hang up.  *you* have to make definitive statements.

 

my family members LEARNED to give me a straight answer.

I also had one that would be. late. (by an hour or more) to every single family dinner. . . . my grandmother would always hold dinner (while the food got cold).  I took over, dinner was served at the time it was announced to be served - and that person was only late for dinner at my house ONCE.   after that - they showed up ON TIME.  (we also took one at her pious word she "doesn't eat steak" while dh was asking everyone how they wanted theirs prepared.  each steak was prepared *to a particular persons specifications*.  she was quite irate she had no steak.  dh promptly apologized (made NO mention of her previous denials), and asked her how she'd like it prepared 'oh, I don't want one'.  she sulked the entire meal - but she never played that carp with us again.  she was also quiet pious about how she didn't eat chocolate . . . later she was drooling over the chocolate cheesecake. (she had two pieces - and asked for both.)

 

eta: one person did it becuase they were anxious and could be guided into a straight answer.  the other person was simply a controlling maipulator.

Edited March 10, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Hen]

Yeah, I get it. My grandmother lives with us and she is the most depressed person I know.  I had high hopes that once we got her away from her abusive husband, she could find some happiness, but I realize now it is her character and she will never be happy.

 

Every morning, I give her a cheery "good morning!" and ask her if she'd like an egg or something for breakfast. She always, always sighs and says something like " well, yes, I guess I better, maybe it will help."  She has never ever been able to just say "yes, that would be nice." :001_rolleyes:

 

I used to get what I called "the death report" every morning, a list of how many times she had to get up to use the bathroom, how she swears she almost died or her dog almost died....I started ignoring it and it finally stopped after about 9 months.  With every interaction or conversation, she has to end it with a worry, a complaint or a dark prediction.

 

....I upped my anti-depressant meds after she moved in, it helped some. :D

 

 

[zoobie]

I just spent 20 minutes trying to figure out which coloring page my 3 year old wanted and what she wanted to drink. I thought of this thread the whole time.

[Garga]

I have, with two specific people in my family. It's all in how you word it. I'm not as blunt as that.

eg. - I'd like to take you to lunch at ___, will that work? well blah blah blah . . . "is another time better?" blah blah blah . . . . "oh well, I"m sorry it won't work for you, I'd love to do it another time." you might get a WAIT . . . oh, so it does work?

you will get a yes, or (if it's more blah blah) the answer is no. then say good-bye and hang up. *you* have to make definitive statements.

 

my family members LEARNED to give me a straight answer.

I also had one that would be. late. (by an hour or more) to every single family dinner. . . . my grandmother would always hold dinner (while the food got cold). I took over, dinner was served at the time it was announced to be served - and that person was only late for dinner at my house ONCE. after that - they showed up ON TIME. (we also took one at her pious word she "doesn't eat steak" while dh was asking everyone how they wanted theirs prepared. each steak was prepared *to a particular persons specifications*. she was quite irate she had no steak. dh promptly apologized (made NO mention of her previous denials), and asked her how she'd like it prepared 'oh, I don't want one'. she sulked the entire meal - but she never played that carp with us again. she was also quiet pious about how she didn't eat chocolate . . . later she was drooling over the chocolate cheesecake. (she had two pieces - and asked for both.)

 

eta: one person did it becuase they were anxious and could be guided into a straight answer. the other person was simply a controlling maipulator.

Hmmmm. I like this.

 

I've started mostly going silent. When she brings up a problem with the plans, I just stay silent and wait for her to finish talking about it. Usually she's the one who initiated the plans, so it's hard to say, "Oh, that won't work for you, then nevermind." I suppose I could still say it.

 

MIL: Do you guys want to come with us to dinner?

Me: Sure!

MIL: Will Friday work?

Me: Sure!

MIL: Oh, but Friday will be so busy. There will be such a long wait for a table ((this is never true in our area)) ((this is how she derails her OWN plans.))

Me: Ok, then, I guess it won't work out.

 

Yes. I could do that.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Garga

[forty-two]

Yes, that's it.  I was practically in tears on Christmas Eve.  I wrote the list and I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't just call Pizza Hut and rattle off the list at the person answering.  And the thing is that I could hear the tears sounding in her voice, too.  She was so frustrated that she couldn't figure out why we were ordering wings and I was so frustrated wondering why it was an issue. 

 

I've started mostly sitting in silence when we get together because anything I say causes so much angst.  It's not just me.  It's everyone.  Almost everything that anyone says is an issue or problem. 

 

Well, I'm venting away here so it sounds like I don't like her, but that's not true. I know that in her heart she's a kind and gentle and giving woman.  And that's why this bugs me so much.  It's such a big block in getting closer to her.

 

This thread is making me want to cry for your poor mil.  Probably because I'm over-identifying with her and seeing frustrating my kids' future spouses in my future :(.  For me it's a combination of perfectionism, anxiety and depression making life hard, and my habit of externally processing my way through problem solving.  Simple things can be *really* hard some days - and either I talk it out, or I just lock up and say and do nothing.  It's actually a sign that I'm *functioning* when I work through all the problems out loud - I'm thinking, I'm making an effort, I'm working through things to come to a conclusion.  When things are really bad, I just lock up and ignore people's attempts to communicate until they give up and go away.  Even when I'm feeling great, I still tend to plan by thinking of all the problems and then working through them - and I do most of the processing aloud; it gets a bit pathetic sounding when I'm feeling overwhelmed and am having *problems* working through the problems (but haven't given up entirely), but thinking of problems and solving problems is my default planning method.

 

I can see myself getting stuck over an unexpected order just like your mil.  I can get "stuck" when something I'm in charge of doing just simply does. not. make. sense. and I cannot do it until I understand it - "just rattle it off" without understanding it feels *impossible*.  I need to know what the *(^&^*&^% is going on before I can do it :hissyfit:.  Usually I'm self aware enough and functional enough that I turn it over to someone else because I can't do it - and I'm better about taking on stuff because it feels expected but then locking up because it's beyond me - but usually when that's happening it would be a kindness if someone else would rescue me by volunteering to take over.

 

I've dealt with my problems with making plans with my inlaws by turning it entirely over to dh and just going along with whatever.  Almost everything they plan doesn't work out like they thought it would, for entirely predictable-to-me reasons, yet it surprises them every. single. time.  I can't handle taking one ounce of responsibility by getting involved, because it stresses me out to think of all the potential problems and work around them plus all the conflicting requirements (dh's sis is high maintenance and if I got remotely involved, I'd be just as high maintenance, and no one needs that).  I just foresee the likely problems, bring plenty of water, snacks, and activities for me and the kids to deal with the inevitable snafus and delays, and keep my expectations low.  When particularly unlikely-to-work plans are floated, I have dh quietly tell his mom I'd really rather do something else.  Otherwise we do what we do, and I try to make muddling through an adventure (though sometimes it burns a bit that me, the only person who *knew* it was a bad plan and didn't want to do it in the first place, is the one who has to go to the effort of keeping cheery for the kids so the other adults' bad moods don't affect them).

 

Despite all that, I do love them and think they're good people :).  They just drive me bonkers with how they plan badly - too little consideration of the potential problems ;).  They probably think I'm too picky (which is kind of true ;)), but they love me anyway.

[Garga]

This thread is making me want to cry for your poor mil. Probably because I'm over-identifying with her and seeing frustrating my kids' future spouses in my future :(. For me it's a combination of perfectionism, anxiety and depression making life hard, and my habit of externally processing my way through problem solving. Simple things can be *really* hard some days - and either I talk it out, or I just lock up and say and do nothing. It's actually a sign that I'm *functioning* when I work through all the problems out loud - I'm thinking, I'm making an effort, I'm working through things to come to a conclusion. When things are really bad, I just lock up and ignore people's attempts to communicate until they give up and go away. Even when I'm feeling great, I still tend to plan by thinking of all the problems and then working through them - and I do most of the processing aloud; it gets a bit pathetic sounding when I'm feeling overwhelmed and am having *problems* working through the problems (but haven't given up entirely), but thinking of problems and solving problems is my default planning method.

 

I can see myself getting stuck over an unexpected order just like your mil. I can get "stuck" when something I'm in charge of doing just simply does. not. make. sense. and I cannot do it until I understand it - "just rattle it off" without understanding it feels *impossible*. I need to know what the *(^&^*&^% is going on before I can do it :hissyfit:. Usually I'm self aware enough and functional enough that I turn it over to someone else because I can't do it - and I'm better about taking on stuff because it feels expected but then locking up because it's beyond me - but usually when that's happening it would be a kindness if someone else would rescue me by volunteering to take over.

 

I've dealt with my problems with making plans with my inlaws by turning it entirely over to dh and just going along with whatever. Almost everything they plan doesn't work out like they thought it would, for entirely predictable-to-me reasons, yet it surprises them every. single. time. I can't handle taking one ounce of responsibility by getting involved, because it stresses me out to think of all the potential problems and work around them plus all the conflicting requirements (dh's sis is high maintenance and if I got remotely involved, I'd be just as high maintenance, and no one needs that). I just foresee the likely problems, bring plenty of water, snacks, and activities for me and the kids to deal with the inevitable snafus and delays, and keep my expectations low. When particularly unlikely-to-work plans are floated, I have dh quietly tell his mom I'd really rather do something else. Otherwise we do what we do, and I try to make muddling through an adventure (though sometimes it burns a bit that me, the only person who *knew* it was a bad plan and didn't want to do it in the first place, is the one who has to go to the effort of keeping cheery for the kids so the other adults' bad moods don't affect them).

 

Despite all that, I do love them and think they're good people :). They just drive me bonkers with how they plan badly - too little consideration of the potential problems ;). They probably think I'm too picky (which is kind of true ;)), but they love me anyway.

Hugs. And this is why I have vented here and have never, ever been impatient or mean to her about this issue. Well, actually, 11 years ago when I was pregnant there was that one time when the hormones kicked in really badly that day and I did say (over endless discussion over where to eat a pretty mundane dinner), "Oh for heaven's sake! It's one single meal out of our whole lives! Does it really matter where we eat this one stinkin' meal?!" And she burst into tears and I felt like the lowest worm on the planet. I think that one blow up in 23 years is not so bad.

 

Other than that one time, I just patiently deal with it. It honestly does drain me and I have started to disengage when she's fretting, but I still try to be kind to her. There is something going on--anxiety or something. It's not healthy and I (in the kindest way possible) will not take that anxiety into or onto myself. I give her space to talk and talk through the problem and then we do what she finally settles on.