Just annoying or (verbally) abusive?

[Alicia64]

Totally abusive.

[jelbe5]

Yeah, that. I want a grandparent experience for my kids. I am hanging on to the idea of a loving, supportive, kind, enjoyable extended family experience. It's just so far from reality. I guess it's hard for me to accept. When I see friend's parents be so sweet and loving with their kids, I feel like I'm burning up with envy. Some people have no idea how good they have it in that regard.

I am so sorry. Do you have other older adults in your life who can be surrogate grandparents? Letting go of that dream can be hard but you might be able to create the grandparent family you wish for by seeking out older adults who could provide a healthier relationship.

[kewb]

Your fathers behavior is unacceptable and abusive.  I would never subject my kids to him on the off chance that he will turn into the Norman Rockwell grandparent you want him to be. He is not that person and your expectations need to change. 

 

If you truly want to pursue the relationship for yourself then I would visit without the children and start laying down firm boundries.  I know coundeling is not as easy as it sounds and you have tried in the past but it is worth pursuing.  Just because your current relationship is normal for you doesn't mean you can't change yourself and how you react to your normal.

 

[Rebel Yell]

Honestly, this makes my day. Because sometimes it seems like all this awful stuff I've done/ have done to me/ lived through all amounts to pointless hardships. I get discouraged thinking nothing good has or will come out of it and that I'm just a screwed up lady trying to live a normal life now, finding it hard to relate to others since many who have been where I am are not living normal lives now. 

 

But this is like a hug from God. Not to sound dramatic but really. 

 

:grouphug:

 

[Crimson Wife]

  As far as counseling with my dad (over video conference or whatever) he would probably laugh hard if I suggested it. He just thinks I'm a PITA and that's all there is to the "problem". This is not a person you can reason with or who really cares what you say.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would be firm about his agreeing to go through with some reasonable number of family counseling/therapy sessions with you if he wants to have access to you and his grandkids.  He has free will and it is ultimately his choice whether or not to participate but you are totally within your rights to set it as a precondition for continued contact with him. As a Christian, you are obligated to honor him as your dad, but being a follower of Christ does not mean you have to be a doormat. Your current relationship does not sound healthy (whether it is abusive is not something I have enough info to judge) and it is reasonable to insist on seeking professional help to repair it if he wants to be a part of your and your children's lives.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Oh, sweetie.  He insults you, your husband, and your kids.  Stay away.  Let go of the "shoulds."  He will never be the parent or grandparent you wish.  ((hugs))

[Kiara.I]

He also likes to lecture me about how I do such stupid things in life, like our recent move to a different state that he says "was stupid". He loves to talk trash bout DH too. 

 

Aw, I'm sorry.  :(

 

IF you want to maintain contact (and that's up to you, really) you could limit it pretty sharply.

 

For instance, set a boundary for yourself of not listening to insults, of yourself, your kids, or your husband.  So when you're on the phone, the instant he says "That's stupid" he gets "Bye, dad. <click>"

 

Trash talking your DH? No way you listen to that.  Again, <click>.

[Crimson Wife]

Oh, sweetie.  He insults you, your husband, and your kids.  Stay away.  Let go of the "shoulds."  He will never be the parent or grandparent you wish.  ((hugs))

 

I believe people can change IF they truly want to. Plenty of people hit a point where they get a "wake-up call" that finally motivates them to turn their lives around for the better. Not infrequently that catalyst is the result of "tough love" when a well-meaning-but-enabling loved one has had enough.

 

I don't think we can say "never" with the OP's situation. It won't be easy, but repentance and turning over a new leaf never is. That doesn't mean it's impossible.

[pinkmint]

Well my dad actually called today. I want to say thank you to all of you who helped give me some needed perspective and strngthen my backbone. He and his wife called me on speaker phone and asked if I could come visit by myself, without DH and kids since it would be a nice break for me and more affordable. I was shaking and sweating because I knew I had to stand up to him.

 

I politely told him that the relationship we have is not strong enough for things like me visiting them. I told him I don't think it's normal or ok for him to be so rude and disrespectful all the time, cursing and insulting me and fixating on my offenses to him and his wife. His wife chimed in with a little lecture about accepting him for who he is, how he's not going to change and how he's like that with everyone. I said that's fine for her to feel that way but I just don't agree that it's ok. 

 

I told them there's a reason they only see us twice a decade. I said we would visit if we could pay for it ourselves (not going to happen any time soon). 

 

It's bittersweet. I don't like confrontation, but I don't like my DH, kids and I being treated like garbage in the name of some fantasy about having a caring and involved grandparent. It feels good to say the truth. How he acts is not normal or ok. 

 

[mamiof5]

What an amazing story of strength and faith. I didn't read all the responses, but skimmed quickly. Rape, drugs, abusive childhood? Sounds like you have dealt with A LOT, and it's not easy to try to live a "normal" life after that. Totally hear you on counseling, expensive, time consuming etc. Besides, I don't know...it doesn't work for everyone, but when it comes to counseling I am always hesitant on trying to have another human being try to make my life better. I can relate in a very minimal way with what you have gone through (not nearly to the extent of what you mentioned, but along those lines...and it has been HARD to not let it affect my adult life), but I have found that, as they say, God is my strength... He gives me the peace and strength I need, when I need it. No counselor can do that. I will pray for you, very much. And as far as the initial question... I know nothing about PSTD...I'd probably try to give him some slack. I don't think I'd visit though, if he really wants to see your family he can come (and if that visit went horribly wrong I'd probably limit those as well, as sad as it might be). You can't control others' actions or words, but you can control how it affects you and how much you expose yourself and your family to such behavior. Maybe when he brings up the taco story you politely end the conversation? I really wish you the best, and will pray that you are surrounded with loving, respectful people. Will also pray for God to give you the strength to leave the past were it belongs, in the past. I can't use cute emotions, but big hugs!

[Professormom]

Well my dad actually called today. I want to say thank you to all of you who helped give me some needed perspective and strngthen my backbone. He and his wife called me on speaker phone and asked if I could come visit by myself, without DH and kids since it would be a nice break for me and more affordable. I was shaking and sweating because I knew I had to stand up to him.

 

I politely told him that the relationship we have is not strong enough for things like me visiting them. I told him I don't think it's normal or ok for him to be so rude and disrespectful all the time, cursing and insulting me and fixating on my offenses to him and his wife. His wife chimed in with a little lecture about accepting him for who he is, how he's not going to change and how he's like that with everyone. I said that's fine for her to feel that way but I just don't agree that it's ok.

 

I told them there's a reason they only see us twice a decade. I said we would visit if we could pay for it ourselves (not going to happen any time soon).

 

It's bittersweet. I don't like confrontation, but I don't like my DH, kids and I being treated like garbage in the name of some fantasy about having a caring and involved grandparent. It feels good to say the truth. How he acts is not normal or ok.

:clapping: for Pink!

 

You handled that beautifully... Truly. Firm, balanced, and you removed the emotion from the situation. It would be especially hard having both of them on the phone.

 

You rock, girlie:-)

Edited February 17, 2016 by Professormom

[almondbutterandjelly]

Good job, Pink!

[Alexigail]

Nice job!

 

If you haven't, I'd suggest reading the book "Toxic Parents".  

 

 

[happi duck]

(Hugs) and (thumbs up)!!

 

I understand the grandparent dream. I didn't have grandparents and neither do my kids. It's hard not to be jealous sometimes.

[Katy]

Great job!

[gardenmom5]

Aw, I'm sorry. :(

 

IF you want to maintain contact (and that's up to you, really) you could limit it pretty sharply.

 

For instance, set a boundary for yourself of not listening to insults, of yourself, your kids, or your husband. So when you're on the phone, the instant he says "That's stupid" he gets "Bye, dad. <click>"

 

Trash talking your DH? No way you listen to that. Again, <click>.

Ding ding ding. And we have a winner.

You can't have a conversation about how he talks to you. It will end with you frustrated and him angrier.

Just enact a no tolerance policy. When he's out of line. . .bye dad. And don't talk to him again that day.

 

I had lots of phone calls with my grandmother that were under five minutes.

[TammyinTN]

When you visit could you make it short and sweet?  Like 2 or 2 1/2 hours tops.   No staying overnights at their place or them at yours and just keep it civil and kind.  

[Zinnia]

Good job, Pink!

[StephanieZ]

Would you let them pay for those things? I agree having our own car and space would make it much more handle-able. But this is the kind of thing that would be brought up for many years to come. "We paid for your visit and _______ (insert angry remarks about something I did as horrible as the stopping at a taco place thing)!!!"

 

I feel grief over the fact that my kids basically never see him, and we already have weak relationships all around on both DH and my side. He wants to see them and I'm basically not letting it happen. I wish it could happen though. 

 

Nope. 

 

I wouldn't accept money or gifts from him under these circumstances.

 

If you can't afford to visit on your own terms, DO NOT DO IT.

 

You can invite him and his wife to visit you if you like (and let him pay his own way and recommend a HOTEL for him to stay at).

 

Personally, I'd not visit with him at all until he has gotten over giving you grief about your taco stop.

 

Sure, I can understand it being rude to ask for fast food on the way to his home. Obviously, that's not very polite. But, you were pregnant, exhausted, craving, and, well, so what, you were a little rude.

 

It is a LOT MORE rude for him to harp on you about it all these years.

 

Nearly 20 years ago, some of my inlaws pulled nearly the same thing, but without the pregnancy excuse. They lived 3 hours away from us (we had very recently moved cross country, so that was new), and we'd invited BIL, SIL, and their kids (middle school age) to Sunday dinner at our house. They arrived on time, with FRESH take-out (still eating it!) from the fast food place about a mile from our house. Dinner was already in the oven, to be served within the hour.

 

Dh and I were offended and irritated, and to this day, we joke about it AMONG OURSELVES. We NEVER said a word to our in-laws about it then or since then. We love them, and we wouldn't make a big thing about it . . . To me, what your dad has done is much, much worse than one thoughtless craving-induced moment . . . 

 

If you really want to do something about your dad, then I'd suggest coming up with a one-line response and using it verbatim every time he brings the subject up. "Yes, Dad, I'm sorry that I was rude that one time to stop at a restaurant on the way to your home where you were going to be feeding me. My excuse was exhaustion and pregnancy induced cravings. I've apologized. You've rudely nagged me about it dozens of times. I'm done with this topic. Can you be done with it?" 

 

That's probably not the best response, but something along those lines MIGHT shut him up. If it does, maybe your phone relationship can improve enough to want to visit with him in person. 

Edited February 17, 2016 by StephanieZ

[Tsuga]

I truly appreciate the input, everyone. 

 

Yes, my dad could be described as kind of a bully with no social skills. I always thought it was because he was from a different country... that's part of it, but definite;y not all of it. Speaking of which, when he came to the US he joined the Army right away and learned to speak English there, involving many curse words and foul language that he just never let go of. He can't express himself in English without cursing. Like I said there are many more ways that he is aggressively nitpicky about things, the taco thing is one example and I don't have time for more right now. He also likes to lecture me about how I do such stupid things in life, like our recent move to a different state that he says "was stupid". He loves to talk trash bout DH too. 

 

OMG my ex-husband too! He knew English before the Army but it went downhill fast! And the attitude. I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've reached a healthy conclusion.

 

I am not a "cut contact" type of person when the other person isn't physically abusive or on drugs but limited contact can really make a relationship much better, LOL!

[gardenmom5]

Nope. 

 

I wouldn't accept money or gifts from him under these circumstances.

 

If you can't afford to visit on your own terms, DO NOT DO IT.

 

You can invite him and his wife to visit you if you like (and let him pay his own way and recommend a HOTEL for him to stay at).

 

Personally, I'd not visit with him at all until he has gotten over giving you grief about your taco stop.

 

Sure, I can understand it being rude to ask for fast food on the way to his home. Obviously, that's not very polite. But, you were pregnant, exhausted, craving, and, well, so what, you were a little rude.

 

It is a LOT MORE rude for him to harp on you about it all these years.

 

Nearly 20 years ago, some of my inlaws pulled nearly the same thing, but without the pregnancy excuse. They lived 3 hours away from us (we had very recently moved cross country, so that was new), and we'd invited BIL, SIL, and their kids (middle school age) to Sunday dinner at our house. They arrived on time, with FRESH take-out (still eating it!) from the fast food place about a mile from our house. Dinner was already in the oven, to be served within the hour.

 

Dh and I were offended and irritated, and to this day, we joke about it AMONG OURSELVES. We NEVER said a word to our in-laws about it then or since then. We love them, and we wouldn't make a big thing about it . . . To me, what your dad has done is much, much worse than one thoughtless craving-induced moment . . . 

 

If you really want to do something about your dad, then I'd suggest coming up with a one-line response and using it verbatim every time he brings the subject up. "Yes, Dad, I'm sorry that I was rude that one time to stop at a restaurant on the way to your home where you were going to be feeding me. My excuse was exhaustion and pregnancy induced cravings. I've apologized. You've rudely nagged me about it dozens of times. I'm done with this topic. Can you be done with it?" 

 

That's probably not the best response, but something along those lines MIGHT shut him up. If it does, maybe your phone relationship can improve enough to want to visit with him in person. 

 

after traveling, I can understand wanting to get something to eat.  she may or may NOT have known the wife had prepared food at home.  she may or may NOT have been able to eat the food that was prepared.  (with 1ds - the sight of chocolate made me naseous.  it was so sad . . . )  I also understand because I have a child who had specific foods she could eat after flying. 

 

my grandmother's sense of worth was wrapped up in food (but then behind people's backs she'd gripe about - "general' - people expecting her to feed them.  I refused to eat at her house.  which also made her mad.)

 

(sevearl years ago, I had my brother staying at my home for the holidays. he had already been there several days, and he asked my *mother* when we'd be serving dinner.  she said at 8pm (where does she come up with this stuff?).  20 minutes before we'd have dinner on the table (at a reasonable dinner time), they took off for their favorite fast food place.  Mom went with them.  she loved fast food . . . . that was the least of his offenses - and I've never brought any of them up to him.  the fact I was serving three meals a day for his family of four - in addition to my family of six, and he NEVER helped, ticked me off the most.   and on christmas morning, his kids opened their presents as fast as they could - barely looking at one before moving on, didn't give a fig about anyone else, and then took off as soon as their presents were done. . . .

I never invited him back.

[Crimson Wife]

  His wife chimed in with a little lecture about accepting him for who he is, how he's not going to change and how he's like that with everyone. I said that's fine for her to feel that way but I just don't agree that it's ok. 

 

Accepting that people are flawed and make mistakes does NOT mean that one has to put up with someone who is unrepentant and not making an effort to avoid future mistakes.

 

I've got a temper and struggle with keeping my cool. Sometimes I lose it and go off on people. When I calm down, I apologize for anything out-of-line that I said and for my general tone. I'm probably never going to be successful in controlling my temper 100% of the time but that doesn't mean that I should just shrug my shoulders and expect those around me to accept the yelling without so much as an apology on my part.

[bolt.]

Well done!

 

It's an excellent start. But, so sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but: expect a brief pause, then expect excrement to hit the propeller. They were surprised. They are going to talk it over, then call you to give you a piece of their mind (dad or both).

 

Just because they want to give you a piece of their mind... Doesn't mean you have to accept the gift.

 

Make a plan or 3 to exit that conversation before poisonous comments get into your brain and start worrying you for years. It's not worth it.

[Scarlett]

Wow, that was a great job!  Good for you!

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

Well done.

 

:grouphug:

[gaillardia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug: Feeling your pain and your victory! Recently going through some nasty family issues myself and it is hard to know what to say to the bully when you're right in the middle of being bullied, which is part of the illness.

 

Moving on...good for you and your family. :hurray:

 

edited to delete unnecessary info

Edited February 18, 2016 by Gaillardia

[jelbe5]

This is a victory. The fact that his wife chimed to say you should just accept him as he is and he won't change (people CAN and DO change when they are ready to put in the work) reflects how dysfunctional they are. Kudos to you for protecting yourself and your children and for walking down a new path.

 

When you are ready you might want to see if there is a senior center or elder care facility that would enjoy regular visits. You have a chance to create the extended family you dream of. Be creative and go for it! I visit a 100 year old woman weekly and those visits have enriched my life in countless ways.

Edited February 18, 2016 by jelbe5

[MomatHWTK]

The only thing worse than a narcissistic bully is a narcissistic bully with an enabler.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would not go there.  Not sure I'd even talk to him anymore.  You are an adult and he treated you like a child regarding the taco thing. 

 

 

[pinkmint]

Again, thank you everyone. 

 

The mind games are already somewhat in effect and I anticipate, as someone mentioned, that it could get worse. My dad and his wife mentioned how his knees and other things are going bad, he's getting old, we don't know how much longer he'll be around etc, all he wants to do is see me and my kids, how he cares about me...

 

Meanwhile 24 hours earlier he was yelling at me on the phone about all the "stupid sh*t" I do. I guess the fact that his wife puts up with this makes him think others will too. Does he ever just wonder though why no one likes him (wife aside) and he basically has no friends and strained relationships with his kids all around? 

 

I do get twinges of guilt. He is getting older (70's) but they almost make it sound like he has dementia or something, so his behavior can be excused and that's not true. He acts exactly like he's always acted and his memory is just fine. How else could he remember the taco thing and all my other minor offenses over the years? 

 

To some extent I wonder if it's good to let some things pass due to his age and obvious issues and damage from his past but should people just be allowed to have zero control over their behavior? Maybe there's some old school, old country mentality like you could get treated like complete and utter poop but you just deal with it because having family members in your life is non negotiable.  I refuse to believe that he's too old to change. At this point his age is more of an excuse it seems. Besides, isn't not giving up on someone a good thing? I mean, I am giving up on him in a sense... I'm giving up on acting like everything is ok. Isn't it good to not put up with their awful behavior and want better for them? 

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

  all he wants to do is see me and my kids, how he cares about me...

 

If he really wants to have a relationship with you, then it is reasonable to comply with a request to participate in a few sessions of family counseling/therapy. It's not like that's some completely whacko thing for you to ask. You're keeping the door open for a continued relationship but he needs to choose to step through that door.

 

Sounds to me like he's being manipulative and while it's tough, you need to stay strong. {{{{hugs}}}}

[shawthorne44]

Yeah, that. I want a grandparent experience for my kids. I am hanging on to the idea of a loving, supportive, kind, enjoyable extended family experience. It's just so far from reality. I guess it's hard for me to accept. When I see friend's parents be so sweet and loving with their kids, I feel like I'm burning up with envy. Some people have no idea how good they have it in that regard.

 

I have an Evil Grandmother.   Let me tell you from experience, that it is MUCH better to have no relationship with a bad grandparent.   

 

Will your children get love and the grandparent experience from your father?   No no no no no no.   Your kids have already gotten the cultural message that grandparents always loves their grandchildren unconditionally.   Then your father makes fun of your children?????     I remember being depressed as a kid because "What kind of messed up person isn't loved by their grandmother?"    PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSE, save your kids from that.  

 

If that is their only grandparent or the best option (shudder), and you want your kids to have the grandparent experience then ask the local old folks home if anyone there would like to play XYZ game with some kids.  

[LucyStoner]

The only thing worse than a narcissistic bully is a narcissistic bully with an enabler.

Now isn't that the truth!

[TranquilMind]

Long story short, I can't remember ever feeling like I had a decent relationship with my dad. I am a grown up now though, and a Christian as well, and would like to do my best to overlook as much as I can. He has been split up from my mom since I was a small child, and has had irregular involvement in my life. He has a wife who is not an easy person for me to like, but same thing with her. I want to try my best. 

 

Often when I talk to him on the phone, maybe once a month, he brings up the topic of DH and I and the kids coming to visit them (visits are rare because of circumstances). We don't have the means to travel several states away but he has offered to help. I'm wary of visiting them. I'll just give one example that pertains to what I'm asking in the title of this post. There are many examples, but I'll give one. 

 

The last time we saw my dad and his wife for a proper visit (aside from one brief lunch while we were in the middle of a cross country move), was 6 years ago. On the way back to their house from the airport I asked to stop at a fast food taco place that is local to there that I missed going to. I was also pregnant and tired and traveling with a toddler. 

 

Almost every time I have talked to my dad for the past 6 years since then (this is not an exaggeration) he brings up me stopping at the taco place. It was offensive to him and his wife because they had food at their house. I was being an incredible pain in the ass. He gets so angry when he talks about it saying  "if you visit again don't do stupid sh*t like that". 

 

Annoying or abusive? But what I'm really asking is if this type of thing (and trust me, many more like it) is worth considering not visiting them on account of it being a true problem. Or am I just being difficult and too sensitive? 

Wow, dad sure seems angrily fixated on a long ago event.  I'd tell him to knock it off, that if he had ever been pregnant and eager for a certain type of food, that he would get it and that you do not feel guilty about getting tacos, and you never will.  And he'd better not bring it up again.

 

Sounds like you need to push back.  I don't know about the visits, but I certainly would retain my own space, and not stay in his.  Or be prepared to leave at any time if he pushes the boundaries. 

[gardenmom5]

I have an Evil Grandmother.   Let me tell you from experience, that it is MUCH better to have no relationship with a bad grandparent.   

 

Will your children get love and the grandparent experience from your father?   No no no no no no.   Your kids have already gotten the cultural message that grandparents always loves their grandchildren unconditionally.   Then your father makes fun of your children?????     I remember being depressed as a kid because "What kind of messed up person isn't loved by their grandmother?"    PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSE, save your kids from that.  

 

If that is their only grandparent or the best option (shudder), and you want your kids to have the grandparent experience then ask the local old folks home if anyone there would like to play XYZ game with some kids.  

 

This:

 

OP: my grandmother . . . . words cannot express how sorry I am my dad didn't take a promotion that would have required us to move from the PNW to the Bay area. it would have gotten us away from my grandmother.  . . . (I've a friend who as an adult - understands why her father took a job in seoul. she said the rest of the family is nuts, but they grew up half a world away.)

I can look back and see how much of the relationship we had with her was GROOMING for an abuser.  (eta: she was pscyhologically abusive - but it also left us open to be abused/taken advantage of/bullied by alot of other people we encountered. with the pscyhological conditioning of "you accept it, because you "have" to." - becasue you aren't worth being treated "well".) I realize my mother was broken, and afriad of ticking off the witch.   but,  the damage it did to us, her children . . . not pretty.

your job - is to protect your children from being abused.  if that means they have no relationship with your father, well, c'est la vie.

Edited February 18, 2016 by gardenmom5

[GAPeachie]

Well my dad actually called today. I want to say thank you to all of you who helped give me some needed perspective and strngthen my backbone. He and his wife called me on speaker phone and asked if I could come visit by myself, without DH and kids since it would be a nice break for me and more affordable. I was shaking and sweating because I knew I had to stand up to him.

 

I politely told him that the relationship we have is not strong enough for things like me visiting them. I told him I don't think it's normal or ok for him to be so rude and disrespectful all the time, cursing and insulting me and fixating on my offenses to him and his wife. His wife chimed in with a little lecture about accepting him for who he is, how he's not going to change and how he's like that with everyone. I said that's fine for her to feel that way but I just don't agree that it's ok. 

 

I told them there's a reason they only see us twice a decade. I said we would visit if we could pay for it ourselves (not going to happen any time soon). 

 

It's bittersweet. I don't like confrontation, but I don't like my DH, kids and I being treated like garbage in the name of some fantasy about having a caring and involved grandparent. It feels good to say the truth. How he acts is not normal or ok. 

 

Bravo!  I can relate to so much of what you have written.  

 

It is bittersweet.  I have had a very real mourning period of letting go of hopes.  It's not in the cards for my children.  All I can do is try to change it for my children and beyond. 

 

And I hear ya on the not feeling up to par compared to others at church etc yet they admire you.  It's a juxtaposition that puzzles me often.  I usually just say that we all have our hurdles and that some of us are better at acting okay.  For me, it very much feels like "acting" sometimes.  One of my survival strategies was compartmentalizing things.  It's the only way I was able to do so well in school growing up despite an unpredictable home life.  

 

My true inner circle knows my past and struggles but I don't broadcast it, ya know?  When I start to compare, my husband reminds me that I'm living for my Audience of One... God is my Ultimate Audience.  I find myself saying things to myself to remind myself of this often. 

 

((HUGS)) 

[bolt.]

If that's "all he really wants" why isn't he arranging a hotel room for himself, hopping on a plane, train or greyhound -- and accomplishing his own alleged objective.

 

Then he he needs to do is call and say, "Hey, I'm thinking of coming to town to see you. I'll get a room at the super-8, and want to know if a few days the 2nd week of (month) is good for you. I can pick another time if it's not." (This is what normal people who 'only want to see their relatives' do.)

 

Clearly, he wants something more or something different than what he says. You don't live on the moon. He's not under house arrest.

Edited February 18, 2016 by bolt.

[amsunshine]

I broke contact with my mother almost 18 years ago. At that point, I asked my priest about that scripture. Both my mother and I were members of his congregation so he was not speaking in a vacuum.

 

He told me I was the hero of the story because actually being the one to break the cycle is MUCH harder than to just follow along behaving the way you were brought up to behave in a dysfunctional family.

 

He told me that if I were to stalk her, try to damage her other relationships, try to get my siblings or her siblings to break contact with her, try to get her fired or evicted, all of those things would be dishonoring.

 

Saying, "I choose to raise my children in an evironment where people behave and speak respectfully." Was not dishonoring it all, but would ultimately bless her in the end.

 

Take it with a pound of salt, but it is one man's interpretation of that scripture.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this.  These are such wise words.

[Misha]

I would ask myself if I would stay in the relationship if the person were someone I was not related to. 


My first husband was emotionally and verbally abusive - that was almost 20 years ago, at this point in my life, I don't allow anyone to treat me with anything less than respect. I understand that detaching from a parent can be wrenching, but another question to ask yourself is this - is this a relationship dynamic you want to model for your children?