Ladies, Be Prepared!!!

[Moxie]

How many times on this board and irl have we seen a woman blindsided by a divorce or death?? No one plans to divorce but the truth is that this is 2015 and no-fault divorce is a thing!! None of us are immune!

 

Make sure your name is on your home title. You don't have to be on the mortgage to be on the title.

 

Make sure your name is on the car titles.

 

Get a credit card in your own name that your dh can't cancel and use it every now and then. I know what Dave Ramsey says and if you are a millionaire don't worry about your credit rating. In the real world, credit is needed to get an apartment, car insurance, everything. Make sure you have decent credit.

 

Know where your money is and how much is there!! Savings, 401k, investments, etc.

 

Create a community around yourself. Neighbors, friends, church, etc. Don't be isolated with only your children in your life.

 

I'm sure there is more that I can't think of right now but I'm off to a funeral for a man leaving his wife and grown children behind.

 

Please do not think the shit in life will never touch you!!

[MEmama]

Excellent advice, Moxie. It's all too easy to shove these things to the backs of our minds, onto our never ending "to do" lists, or to just plain feel powerless to take them on.

 

I'm sure most of us need the reminder now and again (or routinely, as it might be).

[HRAAB]

Absolutely. It's never occurred to me to not have my name on property or accounts, yet I've been surprised by some friends who do not. I hope they never find themselves in a position to regret that decision.

[Miss Mousie]

Good advice for the gents among us, too.

 

Our situation is atypical, in that many of our assets are in my name only and I handle nearly all of the financial stuff.  When DH and I first got together, I realized quickly that he needed to learn how to do some of these things.  I started by insisting he get his own checking account (we still don't have a joint one, but we are each listed as POA/beneficiary on the other's account).  Next, I had him apply for a credit card (also in his name alone, as is mine), and I try to make sure he remembers to use it from time to time and pay it off completely with each statement. 

 

Next up:  Next time we need to hire some sort of household work (plumbing, electrical, etc.), I want to ask him to arrange it and be here while the work is done and then pay for it.  If we ever decide to get cable TV again, I will have him make the arrangements and put his name on the account and be responsible for that bill.

 

I made a sort of "crisis list" that I keep with our wills & POA papers.  It names the people who should be notified in the event of some catastrophe; it lists all our accounts and I update the info & balances annually; it lists our wishes for end-of-life situations.  I should add login and password info where applicable.

 

Currently on my mind is homeschooling.  I need to keep my records & master lists in one place and make sure he knows where they are, and I should write up some directions for how to proceed in the event I cannot (whether that's self-study or PS or whatever, he'll need to know where to begin).

 

I find it easiest to have one person in charge of day-to-day affairs, but the other partner needs to stay "in practice" too.

 

[Peaceful Isle]

I've been thinking about his as well, but in the avenue of death instead. Like, what would I do if my spouse died? My dh takes care of everything when it comes to paying bills, and dealing with our savings etc.. I could do it, no doubt. I just don't want to get too comfortable, that I am in shock if something happens and suddenly everything is falling to pieces.

 

I would urge every woman to have a career to fall back on, or start in the direction. I am blessed to have my degree in Elementary Education, but it would still rock my world. If I didn't have that, I would be looking to take online classes, night classes, or something. 

 

Life happens, and it isn't always sunshine and roses. It is always best to think outside our little homeschool life, to the what ifs that can happen.

 

I agree with Moxie to prepare yourself, because you never know. Start a savings account in your name, get a credit card, ( I have one), know the passwords to things, be alert to warning signs in your marriage, and never think junk can't happen to you.

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with all of this! And, get wills for both spouses, and life insurance, even if only to cover the funeral, burial, and a few months of expenses. Everyone is going to die someday -  failing to prepare for that day just makes the survivors feel worse, it does not forestall the inevitable.

[FaithManor]

You are so right Moxie. In our case, it is a friend whose husband died suddenly and another whose homeschooling wife was killed in a car accident. YIKES! In both cases, the other spouse was really out of the loop and it caused so many, many problems. The latter one had it the worst. His children were in middle school and because he didn't know a thing about the homeschooling, and she didn't keep records or portfolios his children were sent back one year in school "just in case" because the PS's around here to do not test homeschoolers for grade level and expect parents to produce the proof, and in reality the kids were already doing high school work so are grieving and bored out of their ever loving minds. Hopefully by the start of the new school year someone at the school will see the light and place them up a grade and in the advanced coursework for that level. So very, very hard on everyone.

 

We all need to occasional reminder to keep our ducks in a row so an already bad situation is not made exponentially worse by finances, records, etc.

[TranquilMind]

How many times on this board and irl have we seen a woman blindsided by a divorce or death?? No one plans to divorce but the truth is that this is 2015 and no-fault divorce is a thing!! None of us are immune!

 

Make sure your name is on your home title. You don't have to be on the mortgage to be on the title.

 

Make sure your name is on the car titles.

 

Get a credit card in your own name that your dh can't cancel and use it every now and then. I know what Dave Ramsey says and if you are a millionaire don't worry about your credit rating. In the real world, credit is needed to get an apartment, car insurance, everything. Make sure you have decent credit.

 

Know where your money is and how much is there!! Savings, 401k, investments, etc.

 

Create a community around yourself. Neighbors, friends, church, etc. Don't be isolated with only your children in your life.

 

I'm sure there is more that I can't think of right now but I'm off to a funeral for a man leaving his wife and grown children behind.

 

Please do not think the shit in life will never touch you!!

All good advice that I think would be common sense.  But maybe it isn't. 

 

I've had my own credit long before my husband got any. 

[Tanaqui]

All good advice that I think would be common sense.  But maybe it isn't. 

 

I've had my own credit long before my husband got any. 

You know, there are actually people in this world who think that having your own credit card or checking account is a sign of trouble in marriage, or that it CAUSES trouble in a marriage.

 

I tell them, listen, even if your partner is a saint, things can happen. It's always better to have it and not need it, you know?

 

[redsquirrel]

My mom always deeply regretted not having any credit cards in her own name. It took her a long time to build up credit in her own name.

 

I really need to do some of this.

 

I would also add that you read your tax statements and understand them and make sure you know all passwords.  This isn't about divorce, but what about death or injury? My dh and I share all passwords for phones, email etc 'just in case'.

 

My friend said her father always put the utilities, car payments etc in his wife's name because he was worried about her future. He did die first but she was ok because she had a lifetime of utility payments and credit card payments in her name. I always thought that was really thoughtful of him,

[Guest]

We don't prepare for divorce, it's a word that cannot be uttered in our marriage by longstanding mutual agreement and history. My husband would be fleeced if he ever considered it! Long story, but I only worry about that in my nightmwres - fortunately it isn't even a remote probability right now.

 

But death? We definitely prepared, because I'd rather waste the life insurance payments than not have them when I need it.

 

We do everything you mentioned with joint accounts and titles as a point of fact, because we believe all possessions and investments in the marriage belong to us both. But I confess the kid-of-divorce mentality in me was secretly relieved my husband insisted on doing everything jointly so I didn't have to make a stink of it.

 

My credit is better than my husband's - I have a utility and student loans in my name with perfect payments, and he is the primary on our mortgages and loans, so his debt ratio is worse. Mine is nearly perfect while his is just 'good' :D

[catz]

I agree wholeheartedly.  My dad died unexpectedly this year.  My mom is in her 60's and healthy.  I can't tell you the hours and hours of work she has had to do to get finances in order and she's not anywhere close to being done 2 1/2 months into it.  Happily, my parents had plenty of money.  She has another friend that is also a youngish widow in her 60's.  She's in danger of losing her home right now and found out her DH set up their life insurance wrong so she's not even going to get that.  The interests and activities my mom has done on her own are her lifelines right now!

 

Encourage your daughter (or son!) to have a trade, a skill, a career path even if their fondest dream is to be at home!  I know more than one stay at home mom who has had to go back to work unexpectedly and not just due to divorce or death.  But to layoffs, disability, etc. 

[kewb]

You need to be prepared for more than divorce. I still remember my grandmother having no clue how to write a check or where my grandfather kept important papers. He always told her not to worry because he would take care of her. And he did until he became too sick. It was a lesson that stuck with me. From day one of our marriage I know all passwords and pay the bills and know where the important papers are.

[DawnM]

This is why my father told me, "I don't care if you get a degree and never use it and just stay home and raise kids for the rest of your life, but you WILL finish college and have a back up plan and career just in case."

 

My friend's husband had a blood clot near his heart and now can't work in his field.  She has to be the primary breadwinner.  I have another friend whose husband is now in a wheelchair and can't work in his field.  She is working full time to support them.

 

ANYTHING can happen!

 

 

 

 

[DawnM]

And I am very sorry about your friend.  That is just horrible for anyone to deal with~!

[FloridaLisa]

• know the passwords and answers to all the security questions

know where the keys are to important things -- the lockbox, the safe, the gun cabinet

know where all the important papers are filed

life insurance is the best gift you can ever give your spouse. It's worth giving for every birthday, Christmas and anniversary if need be.

talk about whether your spouse would want burial or cremation. Talk about where s/he would want to be buried. 

make sure you or a trust for you and your children are named as beneficiaries for important accounts.

do not amass debt. Debt piles on problems when there is a divorce or death while no debt allows some margin after a major transition. 

have an emergency savings account of at least 3 months living expenses. 

[Guest]

We don't prepare for divorce, it's a word that cannot be uttered in our marriage by longstanding mutual agreement and history. My husband would be fleeced if he ever considered it! Long story, but I only worry about that in my nightmwres - fortunately it isn't even a remote probability right now.

 

But death? We definitely prepared, because I'd rather waste the life insurance payments than not have them when I need it.

 

We do everything you mentioned with joint accounts and titles as a point of fact, because we believe all possessions and investments in the marriage belong to us both. But I confess the kid-of-divorce mentality in me was secretly relieved my husband insisted on doing everything jointly so I didn't have to make a stink of it.

 

My credit is better than my husband's - I have a utility and student loans in my name with perfect payments, and he is the primary on our mortgages and loans, so his debt ratio is worse. Mine is nearly perfect while his is just 'good' :D

Honestly, there are lots of women who believe like your first paragraph who will end up divorced. I don't plan on getting a divorce (who does?), we don't believe in divorce but I'm old enough to know that people can change. Today's unthinkable could be the reality you live with tomorrow.

[Night Elf]

My DH wrote out all our financial information and what to do and who to contact in the event of his death. He also recently compiled a list of all bills we receive, how they arrive (online or paper), when they are due, how much they typically are.

 

I'm honestly not worried about divorce because we met after we were each separated and I saw how he handled his divorce and he saw how I handled mine. But to be on the safe side, he has included my name on all important assets that can have a joint ownership because he didn't want me to worry if divorce ever happened.

[AnnE-girl]

I wouldn't let DH sign up for his first marathon until he prepared a document for me of all our financial and insurance information. I prefer that he deal with it on a daily basis, but I needed to know how to access everything in case anything happened. He had been talking about getting more life insurance after a teacher with a young family was killed in a car accident last month, but I pointed out that it wouldn't really help if I didn't know how to claim it.

[raindrops]

Am I  building up my own credit if both our names are on a credit card account, and I am an "authorized user"?

[Catwoman]

I agree with everything you posted, Moxie, as well as with all of the suggestions others have made.

[Pawz4me]

Am I  building up my own credit if both our names are on a credit card account, and I am an "authorized user"?

 

I believe so.

 

We made our oldest son an authorized user on one of our cards.  Our credit union assures us that will start building his credit score.  I would assume the same would be true of a spouse.

 

However, I believe it's still a good idea for each spouse to have a card where he/she is the primary account holder.

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

We both have work to do in this area. Our house is in both our names (pretty sure), but our cars all our bills are in DH's only. I do have a couple of credit cards in my name and an exceptional credit score. We don't have any life insurance and only about a 1 month emergency fund. I do all our bill paying and insurance information, and handle all paper work. My DH has no idea about any of that or any of the login/password information. I do all the homeschooling also and will admit that my record keeping is lacking. I'm not sure that he'd be able to keep school going the way I currently have it. He'd have to figure out all the doctor and dentist stuff for the kids too as I currently take care of all that. I don't have a degree so a job would be difficult. I teach piano lessons but I'd have to take on a lot more students.

 

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. My DH is a police officer and has a higher than average risk of death or serious injury. In fact, he's already had one work injury that was nearly career-ending. That was a scary year.

 

We are debt-free except our house. At least we've got that going for us.

[Guest]

Am I building up my own credit if both our names are on a credit card account, and I am an "authorized user"?

The problem I would have is what if dh lost his mind and ran off with all available funds? Or got out his tinfoil hat and cancelled all our links to The Man?? I have credit cards in my name only. He can't cancel them. It isn't a big dirty secret, he knows about them and knows when I use them.

[Peaceful Isle]

I have seen great relationships fall to pieces in a matter of years! They were couples that you think will be together forever.

 

I don't think anyone here is saying not to trust your spouse, but just protect yourself. Be it death, divorce, severe illness, whatever, you need to have a plan.

 

 

[AimeeM]

This is a good reminder.

 

My concern is death. I hope I never had to figure it out, but I don't know how to file for life insurance. DH has certainly made sure he's covered with life insurance (more than one policy, plus the company he works for has benefits available for a widowed spouse), but I don't know how to apply for it... or for SS benefits for the kids.

 

The reality is that I don't know anything about our online accounts, either. Our system, currently, is that I take care of all "as you go" bills - groceries, co-pays, random bills (like for the eye doctor or things that come in the mail) with my credit card, my debit card, or the medical (FSA) card. DH takes care of all online payments and banking. Our checking is joint, and he did recently insist I get a credit card in my name (well, I'm on there with him) because I had no real credit to speak of, and he'd like my name to eventually be on the mortgage with him, etc, because he feels like *I* don't feel like I actually *own* anything (sweet man). 

 

I don't know who holds our gas or our electric; I don't know how to pay the landscaper (auto-draft) or the cell phone bills. I don't know anything about the recurring bills, other than the amount. He is more than happy to show me when I ask, but won't store passwords and account info on the computers (understandable) and I can't remember all of the information. We do have a shared drive where he shares the monthly budget and misc other important household related items with me (and I him). 

 

I think when he comes back to the states I'll ask him to walk ME through paying some of these items, because I'm a do-er, not a see-er; I have to do it to remember it - I can't just be told or shown. 

 

[Julie Smith]

Dh and I meet and moved into together a few months after that. We then meet with various people and got life, health, and disability insurance, and wrote wills. 

 

In my mind we had promised to be there for each other, and doing the above meant that we could no matter what. 

[trulycrabby]

Ack! I am the 4-star bandit! My apologies; I was trying to give 5! :o

 

What a helpful, thoughtful thread! :hurray:

[Minerva]

Yes to all of the above! Also contingency plans for schooling for the kids. I always worry that if something happens to one of the parents (illness, death, divorce) my kids would immediately have to be thrust into a school environment. I don't think this would be the worst thing in the long term but could be really traumatic on top of all of the other upheaval.  

 

I feel like I have my ducks mostly in a row, but this thread is giving me a much needed kick in the pants. Thank you! 

[lllll]

nm

[Squawky Acres]

We have thought of most of the things in this post -- assets and accounts are in both names, we have wills, a trust, and life insurance policies.  We made an effort to consolidate investment accounts with one bank after a particularly embarrassing episode during which we completely forgot about a sizable IRA, and were incredulous when the advisor mentioned it.  So yes, keep good files and check up on these things!

 

I think that making a claim on a life insurance policy is quite easy.  You just need to call your agent or the company, and they will be able to walk you through it.  The most important thing is to have the paperwork and make sure you know of all the policies.

 

In reading through these responses, I did realize how important it is to keep our school things well-organized throughout the year.  I'm good about stuffing it all into portfolios and completing standardized tests at the end of the year to comply with our state homeschooling law, but if something were to happen to me during the year, and the kids had to be placed in the public school, my husband would have no idea what to make of all of the mess and piles or what levels the children were working at.  I would hope the school could just test them and place them appropriately, but realize that some advocacy may need to take place to put them where they would thrive.

[Guest]

If your spouse has a collection, get it appraised by an expert. It might be helpful information to have in the event of divorce--division of assets--or death--a source of revenue. Unless you share the interest, it is unlikely that you will give it a proper value.

 

Also, get your health-care directive in order or if you have one, re-visit it every 5 years. Your opinion about some things can change, due to better information or changes in you health or perspective.

[AimeeM]

ETA: DH has instructions, that if something were to happen to me, to place the boys in a particular Catholic school, and to hand the principal my notes and the kids' portfolios. At this particular school, the principal's own children are homeschooled by his lovely wife (all 6 or 7 of the kids!), so he's familiar with the curriculum used, the portfolios, and the specific needs a homeschooled child would have going into a classroom environment. 

We do not know what would happen with our oldest, as her specific twice-exceptional status makes her almost impossible to place in even an "adequate" brick and mortar environment. Certainly, the public schools have already told us that they have little to offer her, and the school I mentioned above for our boys is a K-8 school, and she's entering 9th this fall. If possible, ideal for her would be a private tutor for history, literature, reading, writing, and then dual enrollment (which isn't available for her until 11th grade) for second language, science, and maths. 

There is enough life insurance on me to ensure the children would have private school (well between that and the social security they would receive). The Catholic schools here used to supplement in the case of an active catholic losing a spouse (as far as supplementing the child's catholic school education in the event of losing a parent); I'm not sure if that's still the case. My concern, financially, is that if I were to die, DH would have to hire a nanny... like, a live in nanny, possibly, because of the amount of traveling he does (business related). 

 

[Squawky Acres]

 My concern, financially, is that if I were to die, DH would have to hire a nanny... like, a live in nanny, possibly, because of the amount of traveling he does (business related). 

 

Absolutely!  My husband would need at least a live-in nanny, and possibly some other help with meals and cleaning.  That is why our life insurance policies are for similar amounts.  We are both fairly essential around here.

[Saddlemomma]

Everything is in both our names. I know where our money is but I couldn't get to some of it if I did need it....I never could open those danged-blamed combination locks!!

 

The other thing hubby has been pestering me about is learning how to snowblow the drive with our TC35 tractor.  Now I can drive the tractor--no problem.  However, snowblowing, rototilling, scrapper blading, brushhogging--those are a different kettle of fish; not to mention changing the implements and doing maintenance on the thing. 

 

Truth be told though, we love that blasted tractor, and we both could live without the car for a little while if something happened to it; but we'd absolutely panic without our tractor!

 

Guess I'll have to succumb to hubby's pleadings and start to learn.

 

Thanks for the great post Moxie!

[Guest]

One other thing to bear in mind is that you are never *done* with this, with being prepared.  Kids grow up and leave home.  They no longer need guardians, but they might need to have fincancial trustees.  (Eg. if we were to pop off tomorrow, my ds is NOT getting all of his inheritance by next Tuesday.  Even tho he is legally an adult, he wouldn't have the first idea where to start untangling everything.  We have set aside money to pay a law firm to do that, and to be his trustees for a NUMBER of years.  

 

Personal capabilities also change.  Even though you might be a great team now, something not-death can happen to screw that up.  Dementia has occurred in the lives of two of my fairly young friends...and that shifts responsibilities.  

 

In my parents' case, not related to dementia but just "the way it went," my dad would have been MUCH worse off without my mom than my mom is proving to be without my dad.  It's not always the female who is "at risk" if left alone.  My dad has departed this life now, and Mom is able to hold steady; had it been the other way around, it would have been a train wreck.  

[Guest]

Honestly, there are lots of women who believe like your first paragraph who will end up divorced. I don't plan on getting a divorce (who does?), we don't believe in divorce but I'm old enough to know that people can change. Today's unthinkable could be the reality you live with tomorrow.

Sorry, there is some history behind that statement. I could divorce him, but he couldn't do it to me. Long story :)

 

Fortunately we have a healthy, happy marriage that has improved every year! We work hard on it to keep it that way. But I agree with being prepared, nonetheless. Accidents or death are my concern.

[Tsuga]

We don't prepare for divorce, it's a word that cannot be uttered in our marriage by longstanding mutual agreement and history. 

 

I wouldn't prepare for divorce. I would prepare for independent living in case anything happened to him, even disability or death.

 

I think thinking of it in terms of, you never know who could be the breadwinner, is a healthy way to approach this.

 

 

 

 

 

I could divorce him, but he couldn't do it to me. 

 

Unless you mean you have made a specific threat on his or your children's lives in the event he divorces you, or that you are currently harboring information to blackmail him, this statement doesn't make sense.

[LucyStoner]

Truth.

 

In the words of Marilla Cuthbert- "I've always said a woman should be able to make a living. It's a very uncertain world." Or something along those lines.

 

Divorce is the number one triggering factor for women entering poverty. Conversely, men tend to be better off financially after a divorce, enjoying a higher standard of living than when they were married. As divorce laws have changed, spousal support standards have shifted drastically. A young mother divorcing a man of all but the highest means can pretty much expect minimal to zero in the way of alimony these days. This is why I wince somewhat when I see young women skipping out on their own education and professional certifications. Life and disability insurance can provide some protection. There is, however, no divorce insurance. Many states don't have community property laws.

 

Awhile back I had a woman from a homeschooling group tell me that my working towards my CPA and working very PT "just because, just in case" meant I wasn't really committed to my marriage. Um, no. I just have no intention of trying to support my family on peanuts should it become necessary for any reason at all- my husband could lose his job, become disabled, die or we could like so many others divorce even though neither of us thinks that will happen. Last I heard that woman was separated from her husband. It's terribly sad but underscores why ideally family caregivers like SAHMs have something to fall back on.

[Guest]

One other thing:  my friend the estate lawyer told me that their firm makes a TON of their money untangling things stored on electronic devices.  It's not just passwords--it is knowing where things are stored.  People have different ways of organizing things, and that includes husbands and wives being different in their online organization and security practices.  Write up a directory of Where All the Papers Are and What Are All the Passwords...and give the paper to a trusted friend to put in his/her safe or freezer.  

 

I keep thinking of little things that I have been taught over the years. 

[AimeeM]

Absolutely!  My husband would need at least a live-in nanny, and possibly some other help with meals and cleaning.  That is why our life insurance policies are for similar amounts.  We are both fairly essential around here.

We're hoping to up my policy, worth wise, incrementally. It's a very decent amount now, but not where his own is.

[Minerva]

I am really inspired by this thread. As I am making a list of everything we need and gathering up all of the relevant data it occurs to me how unsafe it might be to have all of our personal data in one place. Does anyone have suggestions on how to make the data handy to us but not to bad guys? I know it is unlikely that someone would break into our house and find our secret catastrophe binder, but you never know.

 

[Guest]

I am really inspired by this thread. As I am making a list of everything we need and gathering up all of the relevant data it occurs to me how unsafe it might be to have all of our personal data in one place. Does anyone have suggestions on how to make the data handy to us but not to bad guys? I know it is unlikely that someone would break into our house and find our secret catastrophe binder, but you never know.

For me, I decided a book with all the passcodes was a risk I can live with. If it gets stolen, I can fix that. If I die with all the passcodes in my head, well, there is no coming back from that!

[Squawky Acres]

I think a passcode book or piece of paper is important.  We have so many passcodes!  I was forever losing them and having to do that "lost passcode" thingy.

[Miss Mousie]

I am really inspired by this thread. As I am making a list of everything we need and gathering up all of the relevant data it occurs to me how unsafe it might be to have all of our personal data in one place. Does anyone have suggestions on how to make the data handy to us but not to bad guys? I know it is unlikely that someone would break into our house and find our secret catastrophe binder, but you never know.

 

I typed up the master crisis list on the computer, but I would just handwrite passwords beside the relevant account.  If you change the password, just cross out the old one and write in the new one.  We do almost no banking online, so it wouldn't be an onerous task for us. 

 

I guess you can't stop someone from breaking into your house, but there must be some non-intuitive place you can keep the list.  Maybe an old coffee can in the basement or something?

[G5052]

Truth.

 

In the words of Marilla Cuthbert- "I've always said a woman should be able to make a living. It's a very uncertain world." Or something along those lines.

 

Divorce is the number one triggering factor for women entering poverty. Conversely, men tend to be better off financially after a divorce, enjoying a higher standard of living than when they were married. As divorce laws have changed, spousal support standards have shifted drastically. A young mother divorcing a man of all but the highest means can pretty much expect minimal to zero in the way of alimony these days. This is why I wince somewhat when I see young women skipping out on their own education and professional certifications. Life and disability insurance can provide some protection. There is, however, no divorce insurance. Many states don't have community property laws.

 

Awhile back I had a woman from a homeschooling group tell me that my working towards my CPA and working very PT "just because, just in case" meant I wasn't really committed to my marriage. Um, no. I just have no intention of trying to support my family on peanuts should it become necessary for any reason at all- my husband could lose his job, become disabled, die or we could like so many others divorce even though neither of us thinks that will happen. Last I heard that woman was separated from her husband. It's terribly sad but underscores why ideally family caregivers like SAHMs have something to fall back on.

 

I've maintained a professional career along with homeschooling, and believe me, more than a once in Christian circles someone has taken me aside and said that I was headed for divorce because of that. As it ended up, we've needed the income for medical bills all along.  We're not living "high" because I'm working, believe me.

 

And we're still married too and going strong into 25 years!

[Minerva]

I guess my worry about passwords is kind of dorky, but someone stole my husband's identity a few years ago, bought a Harley, and we are still trying to find our way out of that quagmire. Now I follow all of the rules about passwords and number one seems to be, don't write them down anywhere. I have a crazy system for remembering them all that works for me (and leaves no space in my brain for anything else), but it's probably time to rethink this. Thanks all. 

[ErinE]

Get a fireproof safe and store your password book there (and passports, birth certificates, wills, and marriage certificate).

 

Great words of advice, Moxie.

[Guest]

I've maintained a professional career along with homeschooling, and believe me, more than a once in Christian circles someone has taken me aside and said that I was headed for divorce because of that. As it ended up, we've needed the income for medical bills all along. We're not living "high" because I'm working, believe me.

 

And we're still married too and going strong into 25 years!

They said that? Seriously? I love being at home and think many women thrive there, but there is no one size fits all! If you and your husband like the arrangement why is it anyone else's job to prognosticate the success of the relationship? I'd have probably stared them down until they apologized for being idiotic. In Christian love, of course.

[Renai]

Good advice for the gents among us, too.

 

Our situation is atypical, in that many of our assets are in my name only and I handle nearly all of the financial stuff.  When DH and I first got together, I realized quickly that he needed to learn how to do some of these things.  I started by insisting he get his own checking account (we still don't have a joint one, but we are each listed as POA/beneficiary on the other's account).  Next, I had him apply for a credit card (also in his name alone, as is mine), and I try to make sure he remembers to use it from time to time and pay it off completely with each statement. 

 

Next up:  Next time we need to hire some sort of household work (plumbing, electrical, etc.), I want to ask him to arrange it and be here while the work is done and then pay for it.  If we ever decide to get cable TV again, I will have him make the arrangements and put his name on the account and be responsible for that bill.

 

I made a sort of "crisis list" that I keep with our wills & POA papers.  It names the people who should be notified in the event of some catastrophe; it lists all our accounts and I update the info & balances annually; it lists our wishes for end-of-life situations.  I should add login and password info where applicable.

 

Currently on my mind is homeschooling.  I need to keep my records & master lists in one place and make sure he knows where they are, and I should write up some directions for how to proceed in the event I cannot (whether that's self-study or PS or whatever, he'll need to know where to begin).

 

I find it easiest to have one person in charge of day-to-day affairs, but the other partner needs to stay "in practice" too.

 

We are also in this situation - most everything is in my name and I take care of the finances: taxes, bills, everything. The only thing neither of us have is a credit card, and I won't because I know myself and the problems I've caused myself before. The past couple of weeks, I've had to make him start getting involved in things and advocating for himself because our marriage was in serious trouble and I asked him to leave. (I don't hate him, and we're working through it right now.) I've asked him many times what would he do if I die first. He just expects he'll die first. Seriously. Be prepared.

 

I'm working on putting all essential papers and information where he can access it, so if anything does happen, he's not totally lost (like he felt the other day when he thought it was completely over between us). He hates thinking about this stuff, so it'll be up to me to put it all together.